#hurt rodney mckay

[riverageleis]

I need fic recs. Can you help me get inspired and excited about my fandoms again?

[spurious]

Emily Dickinson

[sga-mcshep-4ever]

"What do you want to do with her?" "I don't know yet. We'll keep her locked up for the time being. Maybe releasing her back to the Genii would help ease tension between us." "You're extremely optimistic. You know that?" "You think so?" "Everyone getting back okay?" "Looks like it." "How fares our city?" "Well, we've begun pumping out the lower levels of the East Pier, which was flooded. There is structural damage, nothing too serious. Beckett's suffered from a minor concussion. Hasn't been able to look at this. I had to do this myself."

[lightthewaybackhome]

Stargate-Atlantis S5: E15 Remnants

You have to understand that Inquisition had a much bigger impact on Sheppard than he admitted. His people, Atlantis, were on trial because of the choices he made. I think it brought to the surface a lot of the same feelings seen in Doppelganger. Sheppard struggles with feeling like he's the biggest threat to his people.

Rodney connects aloneness with Sheppard. Sad sigh.

Woolsey is lonely, Sheppard is alone, and Rodney is cut off from the praise of his peers by the confidentiality of his work. Woolsey is isolated in his leadership, Sheppard is isolated in his warriorness, and Rodney is isolated in his genius. They're each overcome by their own strengths and weaknesses. Woolesy is easily overcome by a friendly, kind woman because he wants a friend. Rodney is overcome by praise because he wants to be acknowledged. Sheppard is overcome by isolation and torture because he believes he's the source of danger for Atlantis. This episode is a weird reflection of Home in season one. Sheppard figured that out first because things were too good. He doesn't figure things out here because he believes they should be this bad.

Sheppard tells Kolya to go to hell, so Kolya takes him there. It's so hard bouncing between the three because Sheppard is enduring so much more than Woolsey and McKay. Woolsey and McKay 'demons' help them. Just. It just hurts how broken Sheppard is.

Kolya: You can tolerate more than any man I've ever known. Why is that?

Sheppard covers his fear with a snarky remark.

Kolya: You're here in the Pegasus Galaxy to protect your people, and half the time, you can't even do that. That's what drives you, your past failures.

Kolya tells Sheppard he can't protect his people, they're as good as dead. It doesn't matter if he holds out.

Kolya's monolog is basically our insight into Sheppard's own mind. He thinks nothing he's done, that there's nothing he can do to keep his people safe. That the bad guys will always find a way to hurt them, and they'll use him to do it.

When Radek compliments Rodney, I just started crying because Rodney's all beaming while Sheppard is tortured. And it just makes you realize people can be hurting, and even their closest friends don't know it.

My heart when Kolya chops off Sheppard's hand.

😭😭😭

What is Sheppard running away from? His empty life on earth?

Kolya accused Sheppard of being easy to break, but he didn't break. They had to cut his freaking hand off. This is just another echo in Sheppard's own mind that he's not being strong enough for his people. All this was to find out what kind of people they are and see if they can be trusted. They need to keep Sheppard busy while they worked, and this horror is what Sheppard subconsciously chose.

Kolya: You torture yourself every day, John. But, in this case, it was your mind manifesting your deepest fears. You are the architect of your own self-deception.

😭😭😭The aliens apologize for what happened to Sheppard earning one of his "gee thanks" faces.

I love how, just like Doppelganger, this ends with Sheppard surrounded by friends. In light of this episode, the last really painful Sheppard episode is Vegas, the solitary man. Before Atlantis, Sheppard was very alone. I think he fears being alone again, but he's not. Rodney knows him so well, even down to the gum he likes. Then you have the final episode where Sheppard does literally save all of his remaining people with their help, as always. I know it's subtle, but ending with Sheppard and Company saving earth in a final huge battle is healing Sheppard. Yes, I wish they could have done more. A whole season of healing is what this character needed, but I'll take what I can get.

This may also be why I feel the need to rewatch this whole stupid show as soon as I finish it. I want to see Sheppard healed. But you start it over, and he gets broken all over. Really, he comes to Atlantis broken. Those soul-fractures get healed, and he gets broken in whole new ways. Why am I addicted to breaking characters???

[salchat]

Rodney contemplated his wounded team leader - his usual long, bendiness twisted into tension as he kept up the pressure on his hip.

He lifted the pad, plucked at the fabric of his pants, grunted a vague approval and dropped the bloody fabric on the ground. Then he lifted his hips, pulled his pants down as far as his thighs and swore again.

"What? Oh."

"Yes, oh," grumbled John.

"They were your favourites." Spider Man boxers - black with red and blue webs. Rodney had given them to him for Christmas. "At least you still have the others."

"Uh-uh. The Hulk got taken down by that mudslide on M5H-783. Never the same again."

"Iron Man?"

"Ancient dryers did for him."

"I told you - hand wash and air dry! I would've done it for you, along with my own delicates!"

"Delicates?"

"Well, yes. When you have skin as sensitive as mine, you need gentle fabric next to it." Rodney sniffed defensively. "Dare I ask about Captain America?"

"He's okay."

"I know he's not your favourite."

John sighed. He pulled his ruined boxers down to expose the wound on his hip. As well as everything else.

Rodney squeaked.

"Get over it, McKay."

Rodney wasn’t sure he’d ever just get over that. Or that he wanted to. But he kept an extremely tight rein on such never-to-be-expressed thoughts (and desires) and anyway, lechery wasn’t appropriate in the situation - John was hurt. Again.

He cleared his throat, fixing his eyes on John’s face - on his face, McKay. “Are you sure you don’t want me to…?”

“Nah. It’s okay. You could pick up all the crap I drop, though. That’d help.”

Rodney gulped and clamped his lips together. That sounds like a pretty accurate summary of my job, Sheppard. He wouldn’t say it, no matter how much the words kicked and struggled against the back of his teeth. Yes, he was rude and arrogant, but he wasn’t cruel. Well, not to Sheppard anyway.

Read on AO3

[whump-star]

Shards part 2B - not so mini chapter 

*This is part 2, thanks to @macgyvermedical and @criminallyfanatic for the help  on this part really appreciate it, I think I've left it at a nice point this time and am still eager to publish more in the coming days so keep an eye out, I also can not remember if this as cursing, so be warned they may be some

Back on Atlantis, Weir grew ever more worried about the colonel and the doctor. They had missed their daily check-in by almost 2 hours. “Open up the gate, we’ll try radio contact one more time”   

“There seems to be an issue” Zelenka poked his head up from his laptop just long enough to see Elizabeth's face drop. “The gate has been activated from their end, there is no way to make contact until the wormhole closes” and with that, the Czech slumped into his chair pondering the earful Rodney would unleash once he arrived at the gate room.

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A bright light flashing in front of his face brought Carson back to the land of the living, almost reminding him of the neuro exams he had done on thousands of patients (and thousands of times on Sheppard).

 “Mr, can you hear me, mr, mr, are you awake” An unfamiliar voice roused him fully awake. to his surprise, a young boy no more than 10 or 11 was standing over him shining a light in his eyes. “Aye, son I'm awake” The boy jumped slightly at the Scotsman strong accent,

 “Mr, your head is bleeding, and I think he's dead” and with that Carson jumped up a wave of dizziness and nausea coming over him but he fought the urge to expel his lunch.

“Who’s dead, son” As Carson looked around the damp dark cell, it seemed like at some point it had been clean and almost modernized but had been battered by time and was now run down and ragged.

Sheppard was laying still in the corner of the room. Carson clawed his way over unable to stand due to the intense dizziness, “Colonel! Colonel!” Carson shouted as he rubbed his knuckles against John's sternum, a faint groan barely loud enough to hear escaping his lips.

The relief instantly fell over Carson, letting his guard down and relaxing his muscles he was overcome with a wave of nausea. he did all he could to hold it down but as much as he tried the acid feeling crept its way up as the cramping in his stomach reached unbearable levels and he lost his battle with his stomach.

Just as the retching had stopped a small hand passed Carson a damp rag. He cleaned himself up and turned to the small boy in front of him, “Who have we got here then”.

The boy stepped forward almost proud to announce “i am Rraeli, and I am going to help you mr?” and with that questioning end to his sentence Carson interrupted. 

“I’m Dr. Carson Beckett, and my friend over there is Colonel John Sheppard, do you think you can help me asses the Colonel, son” The boy looked almost excited to help, Carson and Raeli carefully lifted away John's shirt and revealed a new layer of makeshift bandages covering the shards of crimson stained glass protruding from Sheppards abdomen,

 “You did this, Raeli” Carson examined the work done by the child, “this is good work”

Raeli paused for a minute “My mother taught me she was a… a…healer” 

Carson could see the solemn look on the boy's face and thought the better of poking that particular sore spot, instead, he focused once again on Sheppard.

 The blood seemed to clot around the shards as he hadn't yet bled through the new bandages and he thought better of removing them. Instead, he quickly assessed the Colonel's abdomen noting the deep bruising across his chest, the blast must have caused more damage than he originally thought. 

“Colonel!!! Can you hear me, lad, I need you to wake up for a moment” 

John's eyes blinked, he grabbed onto consciousness with all his strength and opened his eyes to a familiar shadow over his head. “Doc…you…okay…head…bleeding”

With that usual deflection, he smiled at Sheppard, his smile faded as for once it made Carson consider his own injuries he’d been neglecting.

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“How the hell is that bloody gate still open” Rodney paused for a minute before thinking back to the early days when Sheppard had been studying wraith battle techniques and how they hold gates open so no help can come and no one can escape, “CULLING!!” it was the only thing that made sense. They'd never seen anyone else use that technique and Sheppard had gone partially to warn of the possibility of wraith attack as their civilization had been advancing fast almost reaching technological age, something the wraith would likely want to stop.

“Culling, McKay are you sure?” the questioning tone of Weirs her voice getting under his skin 

“Of course, who else would be using wraith techniques, it makes sense they have gone to stop them advancing and restock their hive ships…. They haven't been culled in almost 2 years they must have done something to attract the wraith, maybe frequent gate activation or their spreading presence across that sector of the galaxy” he paused only to catch his own breath “We need the Daedalus we need to get there now and rescue them” he looks over to Weir how had an uneasy look to her.

“The Daedalus only just reached Earth it can't get here for 2 weeks and it would probably take another week just to reach…. ” her voice trailed off as she saw the defeat on Mckay's face.

Of all the times Carson could have been invited to teach it had to be when a wraith attack was likely and he had to take Colonel Catastrophe with him “I have a weird feeling about this” he spouted as he shoved half a power bar into his mouth. 

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Although Carson wasn’t happy with the Colonel's condition, he was stable enough that he could actually take care of himself. He crudely fashioned a bandage out of the remainder of his jacket and wrapped up his head. He’d noted the dizziness was less frequent, so attempted to stand, his little friend right there to help him up. Although he was dizzy it wasn't nearly as bad as before and diagnosed himself with a mild concussion.

 “Lad, what are you doing here any way you seem a tad young to be in jail” he had been so glad for Raeli’s help that he had stopped to think about why a child was with them.

“My father works here mr, he saw you two being brought in and thought I could help ” The boy's face looks as confident as ever “I snuck in to help”

“That's brave of you lad,” he thought for a minute, “your mother taught you well. Where is she I'm sure she wouldn't want her bonny boy in a place like this” For a moment Carson was concerned until Raeli responded.

“She died, the last time the monsters came… but she used to tend to prisoners so now I do” Carson was taken aback by the child's confidence, it reminded him of someone as he could tell he wasn't getting the whole truth.

“Hey…ummm…doc…” Becketts attention immediately on sheppard 

“aye, colonel what's wrong” Carson looked at the injured form of the once strong pilot.

“Breathing…seems…trick’....” Sheppard could feel every agonizing breath, it felt like his chest would explode.

“Aye, Colonel, just try to take some nice deep breaths” he held his ear to Johns's chest, listening intently for anything he couldn't hear anything too worrying, “I suspect, son, you've got some broken ribs you need to relax, ill give you another once over” 

Carson lifted Sheppard's shirt again, noting the blood that had sipped through the new dressings, his biggest concern was blood loss, he had been bleeding steadily for some time. Now if only they could get to his quarters, his med kit was sat right there.

He pondered that for a minute “Raeli, was it, could you do me a favor” The boy looked over to him he had been taking Sheppards pulse, 

“Of course mr. Anything”

“Do you think you could get to my quarters and get my medical bag” The boy looked confused for a second “In my room there is a big bag with dressings and medicine, do you think you could find it” 

The boy's face lit up “All your belongings are in the office I can get it for you right away. I’ll let father know you may need help”

Carson smiled as the boy squeezed through a small gap in the ever-decaying wall. Carson turned back to Sheppard, his face very pale and a slight sheen across his brow. He couldn't help but think back to what Raeli had said. If his father worked here wouldn't he be helping keep them captive, if so why would they both be so eager to help?

Carson's attention was drawn to the hallway on the far side of the room, heavy footsteps echoed closer as well as talking one voice was familiar, it was Raeli and someone else. 

The door swung open.

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“We have an incoming transmission from P2X-782” Rodney's heart rate increased hoping it would be Sheppard with some nonsensical excuse as to why he couldn't check-in.

“No IDC, how should I proceed” 

Weir looks over to the stargate trying to remain composed “Sheild up open communication channels” A thought lingered in the back of her head would Beckett and Sheppard really have given up Atlantis

“This is General Vaerol. We have you people. We request a delegation of your people to represent your operatives in trial” 

“What has colonel chaos got himself into this time” 

Weir, aware of Rodney's concern, overlooked his comment and gave orders.

“Have Teyla report to the gate room and get Major Lorne…

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“Rest easy captives I am Raeli’s father Talgon. I mean no harm” The older worn looking man stood over them. Carson would have been skeptical had he not been carrying his medical bag as well as what looked like food and water.

Without missing a beat, Carson introduced himself. “I am doctor Carson Beckett and this is Colonel John Sheppard” he grabbed the bag ” My friend here is very sick may I ask why we are being held” Before waiting for an answer he began tending to Sheppard.

“You have been arrested for attempting to sabotage the education center. We received intel that someone was planning a coordinated attack working with a wraith worshipper we detained earlier” The man look strained and as if he did quite believe his own words

As Carson slipped a cannula into Sheppards arm and hooked up the fluids he composed himself, “Why are we suspects, I'm here to teach, and he's just here to accompany me” 

“In our initial investigation, the general wanted to look at all the most recent arrivals to the city and when we searched your friend's quarters we found a small quantity of explosives… C4 I believe you call it” 

Carson couldn't believe that his companion's need to carry C4 everywhere could get them into this much trouble. Just as he went to respond he noticed Sheppard's voice.

“Can’t….breathe…help” Carson whipped out a stethoscope and listened intently to the colonel's lungs - “shit” they'd been in this cell for maybe 6 hours according to his watch all 6 of those agonizing hours Carson had been worried about the possibility of pneumothorax, the colonel took quite a blow and breathing had been steadily deteriorating “shit”

“I need to fix this fast, can you pass me that green pouch lad” As they spoke Sheppard's breaths got ever more ragged and shallow. Carson could see the crepitus under the skin and the cyanosis around his lips. “Hold tight colonel this is going to hurt son”

And with that slight warning, Carson grabbed the biggest needle either of his observers had ever seen and plunged it into Johns's chest. He pulled the needle out leaving a catheter that hissed slightly as the colonel took a deep breath after what seemed like forever. 

The groan that followed unsettled Carson as he’d never thought he'd have to decompress a conscious man's chest let alone his friend 

“Beck..ett..please…never..do…that..’gain” Carson chuckled slightly to himself as he turned back to the two shocked faces behind him.

Talgon looked white as a sheet. It was clear that although battled hardened, he wasn't a fan of graphic medical procedures 

“Is your friend better now?”

“Unfortunately, no. I suspect he had some internal bleeding and what I just did is only a temporary fix. I need to get him back to my infirmary as soon as I can” he looked pleadingly at his captor

“Although I do not believe you are guilty, your people have been instrumental in our advancements. The evidence doesn't look good. We have a delegation of your people coming to the planet to plead your case in a trial” * hope you enjoyed this not so mini-chapter again, the original authors' (@macgyvermedical) part 1 is reblogged on my blog, and if you have any ideas or notes please feel free to message me I'm always happy for input

[sga-owns-my-soul]

@the-mushroom-faerie you're not hiding this in the tags

stargate atlantis rewatch: tabula rasa (4x06)

[enchantedquill-40]

Title: "Silent Echoes: Rediscovering Resilience in Atlantis"

In the solitude of his lab, Rodney found solace among the hum of machinery and the glow of computer screens. He immersed himself in equations and calculations, seeking refuge from the relentless onslaught of verbal and physical assaults. The camaraderie he had once cherished shattered into fragments of betrayal, leaving him isolated within the city he had helped to save countless times.

As Rodney distanced himself, the team noticed the void he left behind. Yet, instead of remorse, their interactions with him grew colder, fueled by resentment and disdain. The once tight-knit group had become a collection of strangers, and Rodney became the outcast, the one who bore the brunt of their frustrations.

Locked within the confines of his emotions, Rodney struggled to reconcile the person he was with the one they portrayed him to be. The laughter he once shared with his team transformed into echoes of mockery that reverberated through his thoughts. With each passing day, he questioned whether his contributions to the team were worth the relentless persecution.

Desperation fueled his determination to prove his worth. Rodney immersed himself in work, throwing himself into solving problems and unlocking the secrets of Ancient technology. The more he achieved, the more he hoped to gain the acceptance and respect he craved. Yet, the team's attitude persisted, an unyielding force that eroded his self-esteem.

As Rodney's isolation deepened, a glimmer of empathy emerged from an unexpected source. Teyla, observant and understanding, reached out, recognizing the pain hidden behind Rodney's stoic exterior. Her quiet support became a lifeline, a connection to humanity in the face of adversity.

Slowly, Rodney began to thaw. Teyla's compassion served as a catalyst, breaking through the walls he had erected. With her encouragement, he tentatively reengaged with the team, confronting the hurt and addressing the misconceptions that had driven them apart.

The journey toward healing was arduous, but Rodney's resilience prevailed. Through vulnerability and understanding, he reclaimed his place within the team, forging a path towards redemption and a renewed sense of belonging. The scars remained, a testament to the trials endured, but Rodney emerged stronger, proving that even in the darkest moments, the light of camaraderie could find its way back. The wounds inflicted upon Rodney left scars that ran far deeper than the superficial fractures of camaraderie. Trust, once freely given, became a precious commodity he guarded fiercely. The constant barrage of insults and betrayals had instilled a profound fear of vulnerability, prompting Rodney to retreat even further within himself.

His sanctuary became the labyrinthine corridors of Atlantis, a sprawling city that mirrored the complexity of his own emotions. Driven by a desperate need for isolation, Rodney traversed the city's vast expanse, seeking refuge in its hidden corners and forgotten spaces. The hum of machinery and distant echoes of footsteps became the only companions he allowed.

Always moving, never settling, Rodney distanced himself from anyone who attempted to breach the fortress he had constructed. The once vibrant scientist moved like a ghost through the city, leaving behind a trail of solitude. The piercing blue glow of Ancient technology illuminated his solitary path as he sought solace in the silence that surrounded him.

His interactions with the team became scarce, limited to necessary mission briefings and technical discussions. The walls he had erected were impenetrable, shielding him from the potential pain of betrayal. Even Teyla's attempts to reconnect were met with guarded responses, as Rodney struggled to overcome the deep-seated mistrust that had taken root within him.

The city became both his haven and his prison. As he delved into its hidden recesses, Rodney found a peculiar solace in the enigmatic beauty of Atlantis. The ancient architecture became a reflection of his own intricate psyche, a maze of emotions he navigated with caution. Yet, no matter how far he ventured into the city's depths, he couldn't escape the echoes of the past that haunted him.

Despite his self-imposed isolation, the team sensed Rodney's withdrawal. Concern etched their faces, but any attempt to breach the walls he had erected was met with a stoic facade. The more they tried, the more he retreated, a self-imposed exile that seemed destined to become permanent.

Yet, Atlantis held secrets of its own. The city's artificial intelligence, embodied by the ever-watchful presence of the control room, observed Rodney's movements. Understanding the pain he carried, the city itself became a silent ally, subtly guiding him towards the path of healing.

One day, in a quiet moment of introspection, Rodney found himself standing before the iconic Stargate. The event horizon shimmered with possibilities, a symbol of the unknown. In that moment, something shifted within him. The city's silent support and the tangible gateway to new horizons sparked a flicker of hope.

Slowly, tentatively, Rodney began to reconsider the walls he had erected. The journey towards trust and self-discovery was a gradual one, marked by introspection and the realization that isolation offered no true refuge. With each step back towards connection, Rodney forged a path to rebuild not only the bridges with his team but also the fractured pieces of himself.

The scars remained, a testament to the battles fought within the recesses of his own mind. Yet, as Rodney rediscovered the strength in vulnerability, Atlantis stood as a silent witness to the resilience of the human spirit within its ancient walls. As threats loomed over Atlantis, Rodney found himself entrenched in the heart of the city, navigating its intricate passageways like a shadow. Even in the face of imminent danger, he resisted the call to return, his isolation becoming a fortress against the chaos outside.

John's voice echoed through the inner comms, a plea to bring Rodney back to the forefront of the team. Yet, the pleas fell on deaf ears as Rodney remained steadfast, his focus consumed by the intricate workings of Ancient technology. The urgency in John's tone, the concern in Jenny's attempts—all futile against the barricade Rodney had erected around himself.

Within the depths of Atlantis, Rodney delved into the heart of its systems, attempting to decipher the complexities that could save the city. The relentless pursuit of knowledge became both his armor and his escape from the harsh realities of interpersonal turmoil. The more they implored him to return, the deeper he retreated into the sanctuary of his work.

Even his sister Jenny, aware of the turmoil within Rodney's soul, couldn't penetrate the walls he had constructed. Her attempts to coax him back to the team were met with a stubborn resolve, as if Rodney had become a prisoner of his own isolation. The sibling bond, once a source of strength, now strained under the weight of his withdrawal.

John, frustrated and desperate, continued to reach out over the inner comms, attempting to bridge the gap that had formed between them. The team, sensing the absence of their brilliant yet elusive comrade, faced the challenges without his expertise. The once cohesive unit now operated with a palpable void, each mission a reminder of the missing link within their dynamic.

In the heart of the city, surrounded by the hum of machinery and the glow of Ancient technology, Rodney wrestled with his own demons. The battle outside Atlantis mirrored the internal struggles he grappled with—a war of emotions waged far from the prying eyes of his teammates.

As the threats intensified, Rodney's isolation became a double-edged sword. While his expertise and insight were sorely missed, his absence also fueled a growing desperation among the team. It was a delicate balance, one that forced them to confront the consequences of their actions and the toll it took on the collective strength of their unit.

Yet, within the labyrinthine corridors, a subtle transformation took place. The city, attuned to the pulse of its inhabitants, began to nudge Rodney towards the realization that true strength lay not only in technological prowess but also in the bonds forged with those who stood beside him. The inner comms continued to crackle with John's appeals, a persistent reminder that sometimes, the greatest battles were fought not against external threats, but within the recesses of one's own heart. John's footsteps echoed through the dimly lit corridors of Atlantis as he followed the coordinates that pinpointed Rodney's location. The urgency in his voice over the inner comms reflected the gravity of the situation, the realization that they couldn't face the looming threat without Rodney's expertise.

As John turned a corner, he stumbled upon the heart of Rodney's self-imposed exile. The room, bathed in the soft glow of Ancient technology, revealed a stark contrast to the bustling energy of the city outside. And there, hunched over a console, was Rodney—a mere shadow of the vibrant scientist they once knew.

"Rodney," John's voice carried a mix of relief and disbelief. The sight before him was staggering. Rodney, once filled with exuberance, appeared gaunt and frail. The flicker of the console reflected in his hollow eyes as he turned to face John.

John's shock was palpable. The man standing before him bore little resemblance to the confident, sharp-witted Rodney McKay he had come to rely on. The toll of isolation and self-imposed starvation had left Rodney's frame skeletal, a haunting image of someone who had sacrificed more than anyone should bear.

"We need your help, Rodney," John spoke, urgency cutting through the silence. The plea hung in the air, a fragile thread connecting them in a moment that transcended their strained camaraderie.

Rodney's response was guarded, a mix of fear and defiance evident in his eyes. The trust shattered by relentless attacks and betrayal lingered, casting a shadow over the vulnerability he now displayed. The team's pleas, once dismissed, echoed within the confines of the room, and Rodney grappled with the internal conflict of whether to emerge from his self-imposed exile.

John, wrestling with the revelation of Rodney's physical state, took a step closer. "We can't do this without you. Atlantis needs you. We need you," he implored, his voice carrying the weight of both desperation and concern.

The vulnerability in Rodney's gaze wavered as a wave of fear washed over him. The scars of past betrayals had etched deep into his psyche, leaving him apprehensive about rejoining the very team that had once turned against him. The inner struggle played out on his emaciated features, a battle between the yearning for connection and the fear of repeating past traumas.

As John extended a hand, Rodney hesitated, the tension in the room thickening. The vulnerability of this moment laid bare the fractures within their team, inviting a reckoning that went beyond the imminent threat facing Atlantis.

In that vulnerable space, John glimpsed the depths of Rodney's suffering. The once unyielding scientist, reduced to a fragile state, teetered on the edge of surrendering to the outstretched hand. The realization that their actions had driven Rodney to this point was a bitter pill for John to swallow.

"Rodney, we're not whole without you," John spoke, his tone softening. The room seemed to hold its breath as Rodney finally, tentatively, accepted the offered hand. The touch marked a fragile truce, a bridge being rebuilt between a team that had been fractured by misunderstanding and betrayal.

In the days that followed, the team worked together to face the impending threat. Rodney, though physically weakened, brought his unparalleled brilliance to the forefront. The process of healing was slow, the scars both visible and hidden, but Atlantis, resilient as ever, bore witness to the mending of bonds that had once seemed irreparably broken.

The echoes of Rodney's withdrawal lingered, a reminder of the fragility of trust. Yet, as Atlantis faced the challenges ahead, the team discovered that true strength lay not only in their technological prowess but in the resilience of their connections—a newfound understanding that emerged from the shadows of isolation. As the team rallied against the impending threat, Rodney's involvement remained a delicate dance on the fringes of connection. The wounds of betrayal ran deep, and even as he contributed his unparalleled expertise, a lingering fear overshadowed the tentative truce within the team.

"I'll help, but I don't want to be found again," Rodney asserted, his voice tinged with a mixture of determination and vulnerability. The scars of the past still fresh, he was willing to lend his brilliance to the cause but not at the cost of reopening the wounds inflicted upon him.

John, torn between gratitude for Rodney's expertise and the weight of past mistakes, nodded solemnly. The unspoken understanding hung in the air—the delicate balance they had struck was fragile, and Rodney's terms were clear.

"I come back to help, to move, but I'm no longer your teammate," Rodney continued, drawing a line in the sand. The dynamics that once defined their camaraderie were forever altered, and Rodney was unwilling to risk further heartache by fully recommitting to the team.

The sentiment rippled through the group, each member grappling with the implications of Rodney's conditions. Teyla, ever perceptive, recognized the pain etched in Rodney's eyes and the fragility of the trust he was extending. She approached him, her gaze a mix of empathy and silent support.

"Rodney, we understand," Teyla spoke softly, acknowledging the unspoken pain that lingered. "Your contribution is invaluable, and we respect your boundaries. We're here to face the threat together."

Rodney, appreciative of Teyla's understanding, offered a hesitant nod. The unspoken acknowledgment of his worth resonated, a fragile bridge being built between the fractured remnants of their team.

As the mission unfolded, Rodney's brilliance shone through, and the team couldn't deny the profound impact of his contributions. Yet, the shadow of his self-imposed exile loomed, a constant reminder that the wounds inflicted upon their team ran deeper than the immediate crisis.

In the quiet moments between tasks, Rodney retreated into the solitude he had grown accustomed to. The city's vast expanse became his refuge, a space where he could contribute without fully exposing himself to the vulnerabilities of camaraderie. The team, aware of the delicate balance, allowed Rodney his space, understanding that healing was a process that required time and patience.

The threat subsided, but the scars remained, etched into the fabric of their team dynamics. Rodney's proclamation—no longer teammates—cast a bittersweet pall over their shared victories. The city, witness to the ebb and flow of their connections, stood as a silent testament to the resilience of those who navigated its corridors.

In the aftermath, Rodney made it clear that he wouldn't return to Earth. The sanctuary of Atlantis, despite its tumultuous history, had become his home. Earth, once a distant haven, held too many painful memories, and Rodney was unwilling to risk facing those demons again.

"I won't go back," Rodney declared, a note of finality in his voice. The decision resonated with a sense of self-preservation, a commitment to safeguard his newfound stability within the ancient city's walls.

The team, grappling with the weight of their own mistakes, respected Rodney's choice. Each member recognized that the path forward involved a redefined connection—one that acknowledged the scars of the past and allowed for the possibility of healing without fully erasing the history that had shaped them.

In the quiet corners of Atlantis, Rodney found a semblance of peace. The city, with its endless mysteries and hidden wonders, became both witness and guardian to the intricate dance of healing and rebuilding that unfolded. The scars of betrayal may have shaped the contours of their relationships, but within those scars emerged a resilience that transcended the fractures of the past.

As Atlantis continued to stand as a beacon against the vastness of space, Rodney McKay, no longer just a teammate, found a new sense of belonging—a complex tapestry woven from the threads of resilience, understanding, and the unwavering strength of a city that harbored both wounds and wonders within its ancient embrace.

[ohsweetzombiecthulhu]

Morituri te Salutant Series

Over 10 years ago, I started an SGA fic after becoming briefly obsessed with the Black Knight satellite. It was a canon divergent AU where Earth was lost; h/c and angst and with plenty of world building, just sort of this meandering story that made me think of the old days that brought us things like casspeach's Animal Husbandry and shalott's A Beautiful Lifetime Event.

It was this fic that I was plodding away at on that cool October morning in 2014 when my younger brother died. When I got home that night, still in shock and heartbroken, I closed the file and mostly ignored it over the next 9 years.

Last night, as I pulled myself away from a new fandom I'd started writing for and found that it was entirely too unwelcoming to remain in, I thought of Morituri te Salutant and reopened the file, deciding that my goal for 2024 is to finish this fic by October. Will I succeed? Maybe.

If you wish to follow along as an old fandomer tries to finish her oldest WIP, please feel free. Comment on what you like, comment on what you don't like, but honestly, this fic is for me and I want to see how it ends.

7 January 2024

Morituri te Salutant: Cras es Noster

John Sheppard/Rodney McKay + Ensemble Cast

Chapter One (Mature)

[sga-mcshep-4ever]

"What did they do to you?" "I tried to keep my mouth shut. I tried, I just, I couldn't…" "What’s the meaning of this?" "I honestly have no idea." "It's a radio. The arrow points to the talk button."

[nym-wibbly]

...

...

*gulp*

John loves being annoyed by Rodney because he's so used to feeling nothing.

[lightthewaybackhome]

Stargate-Atlantis S4: E4 Doppelganger

Man, I don't know how much more pain I can take. This episode really shows how dark things are for Sheppard inside his own heart.

Keller says that they have had sequential dreams, all with Sheppard being a significant negative presence. Is that how he sees himself? That he's a danger to all his friends?

Teyla hugs John. She also tells him he doesn't have to go into Rodney's dreams. I think she knows he blames himself, but Sheppard is not about to put anyone else at risk for something he started.

John goes into Rodney's dream, tries to save him. Thinks he got him killed. Another friend dead because of him.

He faces himself and can't win. He's defeated and down. Then Rodney comes. He comes to save Sheppard. He doesn't leave him behind. But oh, the hollow of the empty Gateroom that is Sheppard's subconscious. Just made me so sad.

That last scene is so different from the table scene where they're all laughing with McKay. They're all bruised, scarred, broken, but they're together. John's not alone, not in an empty room. They're all together.

This might actually be the second hardest episode after Sunday. It hit me much harder this time around compared to the first time.

[spurious]

HELLO feel free to ignore this obviously but you seem like the best person to ask - i’ve had a shitty week and am in desperate need of mcshep fic recs. what are the coziest most sweetest soppiest saddest ones youve ever read???

I am so sorry to hear you’ve had a bad week anon!!!!!!! Let me grab some of my best Warm Blanket fics for you 💖

Painted Blind by aadarshinah

John rather thinks he would know if he and Rodney were dating.

Or: Idiots in love, take twelve.

This one is soooo sweet and funny and THEM

I Do by cathalin

The feeling expands and grows and words are pushing up his throat, and he finds himself speaking. “Is that a promise?”

This is just. 🥹🥰🙏💖

Comfort Break by @salchat

On the usual mission-gone-wrong, John and Rodney are hiding in a ruined house. John is hurt and being overly stoic about it as usual and Rodney wants John to admit to being in pain and accept his help. They talk.

Rodney being caring in his stubborn, bullheaded Rodney way 💖

four boots, five thousand two hundred and eighty feet by Pares

"So what you're saying is, learning to love yourself really is the greatest love of all!"

Just a really fun, well-written, sexy body swap fic.

In Plain Sight by lamardeuse

The day they repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Rodney marched into John's office and dragged him out.

Soooooo romantic I love this one!!!

Number Theory by Valdomarx

On another version of Atlantis, John is a mathematician who is better with numbers than with people.

But he's going to have to learn to get on with his team and their bossy leader, Rod, if he wants to survive here.

Set in the parallel universe from McKay and Mrs. Miller.

Hard-won and gradual vulnerability with a lot of team feels!

Monomial Factors by anonymous

Rodney wants a cat. John's always been a dog guy.

SOOOOO sweet this one.

The Reverse of Fascination by shrift

"I only have one idea left," Rodney said, because the situation was dire. It was desperate. It was this, or Rock Paper Scissors, and he didn't have a handy copy of the official strategy guide.

One of those fics where you can just HEAR the dialogue

Loop the Loop by alsaurus

One man's quest to comfort a friend. And maybe himself, just a little.

(AKA the one where John takes Rodney out on a million dates without realizing it.)

One of my absolute FAVES. This one is SO good and SO sweet and SO them!!!

The Suite Life by CartWrite

John did not ask to sprain his ankle, to be reassigned to the best quarters in Atlantis, or for Rodney McKay to become his new neighbor. But that’s what happened. Post-series.

Bit of a longer read but GOD is it worth it. Absolute comfort fic, it’s SO good.

Bare by @alienfuckeronmain

“Did you not know,” Teyla says carefully, shooting a concerned look at Ronon over their mostly empty plates, “that Lt. Colonel Sheppard enjoys the company of—”

“No, I did not!” Rodney manages to grit out, sucking in air desperately before grabbing his glass of water and downing it. “Since fucking when?!”

According to my ao3 history I’ve revisited this 79 times. Rodney thinking he’s homophobic when in fact he’s jealous is SUCH a good amazing trope. Also the sex scene in this is SO incredibly good 🫠

Okay I’m stopping there but like, if anyone wants to reblog with their own fluffy faves for this anon? Yes!

[winchestersheaven]

Smowkie recs McShep

i've been reading a lot of McShep fics lately and a while back i mentioned that i had plans to make a couple of fic rec posts. they're taking me forever to make, but here's the first one, finally!

@wonkyelk was one of the first authors i found, and i've read and loved SO MANY of their fics! wonderful author that made me fall head over heels for the pining!John and oblivious!Rodney trope! 💖

this is by no means an exhaustive list of the fics i loved from them, it's just a small number of the ones i read and enjoyed. my biggest recommendation with this author is to just go read their fics, it's great stuff and their language is delightful.

so here goes, in no particular order:

19 McShep fics by WonkyElk (under the cut, because this got long)

Of Sealing Wax and String 3562 words | Teen author's tags: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, POV Rodney McKay summary:

Rodney had never had so much love in his life that he wasn't desperate to catch all the drops that he could.

Smowkie: there are too many things that i love in this to mention them all, so i'll just add my favorite quote from the fic: "[...] a thoughtful look, albeit one squarely aimed at the floor, which was hardly likely to appreciate it." 💖

You’re the Book That I Have Opened 1834 words | Teen author's tags: Pining John Sheppard, Oblivious Rodney McKay, Character Study, Angst with a Happy Ending, Short, Internalized Homophobia summary:

At eighteen, John Sheppard had known a lot of things. He knew how to dance, with exactly the right level of polite formality. He knew how to ride well and the proper care of a horse. He knew everything about the theory and mathematics of flight. He knew that being a fighter pilot was the absolute dream of his life. And he knew - knew - that he wasn't into guys.

Smowkie: lovely thing, chock-full of John feels, and with this quote: "They sat in silence for a while. Silence was something John could do. It never came out awkward or wrong, you could never blurt out unintentional silence, or get your bits of silence all mixed up and taken out of context." brb, crying about John Sheppard.

How to Disappear Completely 7276 words | Teen author's tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Temporary Character Death, Feelings Realization, POV Alternating summary:

"Look, I know you don’t know me and you’re not aware of the fact that, if you knew I was missing - which you don’t, because I never existed and, even if I did, you wouldn’t have met me yet - then you’d be very, very upset about it … but I really need your help. And, actually, so does the universe."

Smowkie: this one is amazing! mild horror warning for the creepiness in the beginning, that was some well written discomfort! also, so much love the fantastic way WonkyElk chose to show Rodney's mood and vulnerability 💖

New Every Day 2047 words | Gen author's tags: Pining John Sheppard, Oblivious Rodney McKay, Angst, Short, POV John Sheppard, Character Study summary:

Sometimes it seemed like he had to relearn emotions, over and over again.

Smowkie: this one! what a lovely thing. all the John feels. i want to add a couple of quotes here too, but they're right at the end so i'm not doing that, sadly. i can quote "Especially Rodney" though, because especially Rodney 💖

Some Misunderstanding 6193 words | Teen author's tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Human Experimentation, First Kiss, POV Alternating summary:

The path to Ascension was not a smooth one.

Smowkie: this one! UNCOMFY. really really good with a very interesting style, but oof, uncomfy! love it!

All You Need is … 1830 words | Teen author's tags: Short, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst summary:

The thing about love was, that it wasn't enough. It might fill you up and set you alight and hug you close and tear your heart out and pet you gently and hang like a slow-dragging weight around your neck: but, for all of its bullying and grandstanding, it skipped right over all the practical things and let you scramble around to fix those up - or not - as best you might; but definitely with none of its assistance.

Smowkie: this made me all mushy inside, it was great 💖

Flowers and Other Ambiguities 1289 words | Gen author's tags: Pre-Slash, Character Study, POV John Sheppard, Short, Pining John Sheppard, Oblivious Rodney McKay summary:

The field was blossoming in such rich dark blues and purples, with an underlying green, that John was irresistibly put in mind of the ocean, his feet lightly stepping over the water, mindful of the lurking creatures of the deep.

Smowkie: this one holds a special place in my heart. it was one of the first McShep fics i read and it's what really sold me on the pining!John and oblivious!Rodney trope. it's such a wonderful fic, and the pining, man the pining 💖

But Soft … 1645 words | Teen author's tags: Fluff, Alternate Universe - College/University, Theatre, Short summary:

"I'm just suggesting, John, that, perhaps your speeches about Juliet, should not be notably less impassioned than your banter with Mercutio."

Smowkie: i’m generally not interested in AUs for McShep, but i had enjoyed so much from WonkyElk that i read this anyway, and BOY am i glad i did, because i adored this!

Not Early, But Not Too Late 810 words | Teen author's tags: Short, Realisations, Getting Together, First Kiss summary: 

Rodney finally learns the language.

Smowkie: this is just lovely 💖

A Matter of Mugs 2959 words | Teen author's tags: Post-Canon, Break Up, Light Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Oblivious Rodney McKay summary:

Rodney's emotional levels were generally at critical, but, right now, they were straining the banks and spoiling for a flood of world-drowning proportions. This wasn't because of a crisis, nor even anything so petty and ordinary as a mid-life crisis - not that Rodney was old enough for that, slap bang in the very prime of life as he was and intended to remain - but more of a build up of small things and not-so small things, stacking up awkwardly on top of each other and wobbling under the pressure and the terrible engineering choices.

Smowkie: this is a wonderful read, and i love how John comes first for Rodney long before he realizes his feelings for him. also Rodney and Jeannie bonding 💖 (to clarify the break-up tag: i've chosen not to add relationship tags in this post since all fics are McShep, but this fic has both the John/Rodney and the Jennifer/Rodney relationship tags, and the break-up tag is for Jennifer/Rodney)

One Stroke of The Moon 1378 words | Gen author's tags: Short, Episode: s05e06 The Shrine, Light Angst, Team as Family summary:

When the Avarro moon hangs lowest in the sky, ripe and full - so bright and summoning that your head becomes full of it and nothing else exists - then it is, that some climb to the very top of the trees, stretch out their hands and their hopes and touch her on the belly, with a reverent stroke. Those that touch the moon in this way are never the same afterwards. Nor would they want to be.

Smowkie: this is such a lovely thing. the team’s loyalty and love to Rodney is just 💖

A Staff, A Spear 2179 words | Teen author's tags: Character Study, Angst, Pining John Sheppard, Oblivious Rodney McKay, Short, POV John Sheppard summary:

For a time, he had no memory, no self; no pain. Until the sunshine cooled in his blood and the wine left him with a sigh, like a ghost, and his whole personality fell back inside him, with a thump. It was so heavy, being himself again, he could almost have cried.

Smowkie: the fic that made me make this post. this one really hits you smack in the face with John feels. it's heartbreaking and painful in the best of ways. 💖

Setting Parameters 4545 words | Teen author's tags: Hurt/Comfort, Action/Adventure, Virtual Reality, POV Alternating summary:

It absolutely wasn’t a holodeck.

Smowkie: i love a good holodeck disaster story, but this is so much more than just that, and i adore it. the McShep relationship especially, but also Teyla (and Ford too) 💖 much love! and my favorite quote: They rested against each other when they were done, in a way which, to the laymen’s mind, might very easily be confused with snuggling. guys, come on... xD 💖

A Pair of Shadows 2090 words | Teen author's tags: POV Outsider, Rodney and John are Stuck Together, Fluff summary: 

John and Rodney become joined at the hip. This is not metaphorical.

Smowkie: glorious outsider POV fic 💖

Opposite to Blue 1459 words | Teen author's tags: Short, Character Study, References to Depression, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Sheppard summary:

The first time that John had met Rodney McKay he had been brightly, regrettably, orange.

Smowkie: more John feels 💖 Rodney is such a sweetheart in this, and he pretty much killed me with the quote "the wiggly thing your voice did when you called me" 💖

A Sufficiency of Freedom 1342 words | Teen author's tags: Character Study, Short, Light Angst, Pining John Sheppard, Oblivious Rodney McKay, POV John Sheppard summary:

From time to time, people had asked John why he loved to fly.

Smowkie: this has such great imagery, a beautiful insight in John's mind 💖

An Anchor in the Mist 1620 words | Teen author's tags: Short, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, First Kiss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Sheppard summary:

Sometimes, when he was back on Earth, John would look around at the colours, the brightness, the busyness - the sheer number of people, the surrealism of it all - and wonder if it was actually real.

Smowkie: THIS ONE! i adore this one. it's John feels again, and it's hurt/comforty and angsty and sweet and loving and painful and happy and just beautiful. i want to live in this one 💖

To silent ash 1529 words | Teen author's tags: Angst and Feels, Post-Canon, Sad summary:

Dear Jeannie…

Smowkie: ah, pain. it's beautiful and so very sad. read the author's note before the fic and decide if you want the spoilers or not, but either way it's worth it imo, i loved it

Accepting a Complement 1433 words | Gen author's tags: Short, Feelings, working out a relationship summary:

He wasn't sure exactly when he and Sheppard had become 'those two' or 'you two' or 'that pair' to so many people. But, now that the phrase had jumped up and bit him, so to speak, he was very aware that he had heard it too many times to count.

Smowkie: this fic made me feel in love with McShep. i mean, i guess i am in love with McShep, that's sorta how i ship, i see something and fall in love. but this fic, yeah, it brought it out so much that i was just a mess reading it, the whole thing; giddy, grinning, the stomach thing that feels a lot like anxiety but isn't. yeah, i love this one, it made me so happy 💖

[riverageleis]

Why is this so perfect? 🥺😭 I love John being the snugglee. And Rodney is just like, Yes, you need hair kisses and I love the way your hair feels under my fingers. Gods. @acabspocky look at your blorbo.

pause

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Storm/The Eye, Pt. 4

Finally, the Genii arrive at Atlantis with Acastus Kolya at the helm. With Robert Davi acting, it's rather on the nose how much the events of the story follow the plot of Die Hard with Kolya as Hans Gruber and Sheppard as John McClane. And, as I mentioned the polysemic storytelling used by the series, the role of Holly Gennero is played by both McKay and Weir.

McKay and Weir are captured by the Genii almost immediately.

They're clever enough to keep their communicators on so that Sheppard can eavesdrop on the discussion. McKay is clearly frightened, even more so than Weir because he actually has experience of these people from before, but he's not about to give them anything that would jeopardize Sheppard (not even his own name, confirmation of which Sora provides for Kolya). Rodney is a brave little toaster but he's way in over his head. You can see by the minute tilt of his chin that he just entered What Would Sheppard Do? zone, he's trying to navigate the situation the way he thinks John would.

The fact that Weir responds verbally to Kolya's inquiry about his identity and McKay does not but is recognized anyway is exactly how the entire scenario plays out main text / sub text wise. We are verbally told: Elizabeth, from contextual cues we are able to interpret: Rodney.

We actually cut from Sheppard's reaction to what he just overheard to the storm brewing outside. Because if he was frightened of the storm and what it might do to this newly found home at the beginning of the episode, he's now terrified.

In the Genii home world when they were held hostage, McKay and Sheppard both attempted to keep the other safe in their own ways, and they continue doing just that here. Sheppard is using his military training, McKay is using his brain (and Weir is using her skills as a negotiator). McKay is trying to convey information that Sheppard could use by "accidentally" leaning on the communication panel but at the same time, he's letting him know that they are both still alive and unharmed. It's notable that all of the characters are lying to keep each other safe. They are saying counterfactual things in the hopes that the others might be spared.

Also notable: Kolya is smart enough to know that they are lying.

McKay seems to realize that he has no experience in dealing with the kind of sociopath Kolya is but he tries his best. He's being careful not to antagonize them unnecessarily and is also lying about the most important things.

Kolya has figured out that McKay is too important to be there. There must be a reason why he stayed behind. The Genii clearly recognize his importance on a lot of fronts, the least of them not being that he's the one that knows how to use the C4 to build an A-bomb which is something that the Genii don't know how to do. He would go as far as to injure McKay but it's doubtful he ever had intention of killing him.

But even under physical torture, he didn't give up Sheppard. The Genii only learn that Sheppard is in fact in the city through the radio he left in the armory himself. The only reason he gives out the plan to save the city is that he has such faith in Sheppard. This is why he looks guilty when Kolya and Sheppard have this exchange:

Kolya: Your offer is very generous, Major. Sheppard: Yes, it is. Kolya: However, Doctor McKay recently shared with me there's a plan in action to save the city. Sheppard: He did?! Kolya: He did.

Like, McKay overhears this and thinks that he's disappointed Sheppard; as though Sheppard is expressing surprise that he would do such a thing. The last thing McKay wants is to let the Major down. What their exchange is actually about is Kolya letting Sheppard know that he has hurt McKay enough to get information out of him, and Sheppard gets this.

And Sheppard's plan is to rescue them. He hides the thing that he knows the Genii care most about, the thing they can't do without, it being the C4. He's holding the most important thing to the Genii ransom because he hopes that this will be enough for him to get back the most important thing to him. Everyone is attempting to find the leverage and use it.

Knowing that Sheppard has walked into an ambush, even though he is afraid McKay tries to help him the only way he can which is by pointing out that something is invaluable (reminding them that they might break the only thing that can save the city if they start shooting at him). Likewise, Sheppard only went to the grounding station with the hope that doing what the Genii asked would keep Weir and McKay safe. And boy is McKay relieved to hear the Sheppard managed to dodge the ambush:

Note that it's McKay's reaction we get to this, and his alone.

Now, Sheppard makes the mistake of mentioning McKay because he just can't keep him out of his mouth. When you're thinking about something or someone, it's going to come out of your mouth. He tells Kolya that he's going to get "an earful from McKay for" his soldiers breaking the controls to the grounding station, and then this very thing actually happens. What he actually did was to demonstrate to a really intelligent sociopath that he knows McKay pretty damn well. Too well. And that he cares about him because damn, if that didn't signal familiarity between them.

Starting to play hardball, Kolya tells Sheppard "Say good-bye to Doctor Weir". But note that he actually looks at McKay just before he says this, thinking about something. Kolya and Sheppard are playing a game with extremely high stakes.

Now, it seems like Kolya threatening Weir is too much for Sheppard. It's the mention of Weir that throws him off the edge, right? Makes him threaten to destroy to whole city if he hurts her. Weir, and not McKay. Easy, heteronormative reading. That's what they say, after all.

The thing is, we've seen before that Sheppard is both a strategic thinker and (especially in Underground, S01E08) that especially when it comes to the Genii, he thinks that the less information they have about them, the better. He lied about the number of puddle jumpers they have. He was willing to let them know that they have a ship, but not that they have many ships. He stopped McKay from spilling the beans on how much weaponry they have. Each and every one of the characters have been lying through their teeth all through the ordeal to keep each other safe.

Kolya is likewise a strategic thinker. He's trying to figure Sheppard out. He has two hostages and he's trying to find out how he can use them for leverage. He knows all of them are lying.

Some people watch the episode and come to the conclusion that Sheppard cares about Weir the most because Kolya threatens her and he loses it. And like, he doesn't mention McKay so he must not care about him as much as he does about Weir. But it is precisely because McKay is the one he cannot and will not lose that he plays it out as though Weir is the one he cares the most about here. Giving the enemy that kind of leverage like revealing the thing you actually can't live without would be stupid. And Kolya figures it out anyway.

Sheppard tells him that if he hurts Weir, he would rather blow up Atlantis with all of them in it, indicating to him that Weir is the one he cannot afford to lose. Anything you do, just please don't kill her. And yet we end the episode with Kolya telling Sheppard that he is about to kill one of the two, and he's not telling him which. Having just glanced at McKay before he decided to test Sheppard out by threatening Weir by name.

Why would he do that? If Kolya believed that Weir was the one Sheppard cared most about like he indicated to Kolya, why would he not simply use the leverage Sheppard had just (on purpose) given him? Why suddenly be vague about which it's going to be?

Because Kolya can play 4D-chess too. And it's when Kolya tells Sheppard that he is going to kill one of them and he does not know which that is going to be that Sheppard actually capitulates, not when he threatened to kill Weir a moment ago. Notice that Sheppard was still relatively cool and level-headed when Kolya was just threatening her life; when her life was on the line, he was still negotiating with Kolya. But suddenly he loses it.

Note that while he's shouting throughout this dialogue because he's outside in the storm trying to get his voice heard, his tone of voice changes throughout:

Kolya: You killed two of my men. Sheppard: I guess we're even! [flippant] Kolya: I don't like even. Sheppard: I'm not finished yet! [bravado] Kolya: Neither am I. Say goodbye to Doctor Weir. Sheppard: The city has a self-destruct button. You hurt her, I'll activate it. Nobody'll get Atlantis. [still calmly negotiating, able to formulate a plan of action] Kolya: Even if it exists, Major, you need at least two senior personnel to activate it -- and I'm about to take one of them out of the equation. Sheppard: Kolya?! Kolya?! I'll give you a ship! I'll fly it out of here for you myself! KOLYA!! [suddenly desperate]

Sheppard is willing to do anything and say anything to keep McKay safe. The man he's fallen in love with. His home. The person he cares so much for that a stranger he's known for all of five minutes was able to figure it out and use it against him. Threatening Weir wasn't the thing that pushed him over the edge, it was not knowing which one the gun was pointed at and the fear that Kolya had figured him out, had his ticket.

This is when Kolya made himself into Sheppard's mortal enemy. And it's notable that in every one of their subsequent encounters, Kolya knows to use McKay to get to Sheppard.

Continued in Pt. 5