#hunt is my favourite character maybe ever so when i say he deserves to suffer i mean it affectionately

[hsslilly-blog]

you NEED to get into hollywood u. i’m not even joking this is pixelberrys best game. it’s great

okay so hunt is exactly like that. he sucks but he doesn’t really. he used to be a film director but (as of the beginning of the game) he isn’t anymore (later on you find out why)(it’s because of the cult). the mc is his student and the writing around them is super weird. they have lots of stuff to work out. there is an amour plotline for him, like the ones from the fantasy photobooth in hss. the mc is not… really a stalker but they’re very weird about him (this can be said about every single character in this game, about every single thing including hunt). this questline is great because he suffers for 3/4 of it. he deserves it.

this drawing is based on the third quest on his questline. aria is hosting a date auction for her save the reef campaign and this guy is being auctioned. for some reason. the mc buys him. there’s a very weird scene with bianca if you don’t raise the bid. anyway they go on a date and after a lot of psychological torture they visit the aquarium. this is an aquarium. i’m bad at drawing FISH

yes there is a cult called the silver circle but the game doesn’t treat it as a cult. it’s a “secret society”. it’s just scientology. on level 17 the mc joins the cult and they think it’s cool until they realize it sucks because addison can’t join it. i mean there’s other reasons too. control blackmailing etc it’s a cult. yes hunt was also part of the cult (not concurrently w/ the mc) but he left and then he like. got into teaching.

this is very rambly sorry. hollywood u is a game you either have to experience first hand or you just know very random facts about it.

date auction she buys him for 215 dollars and spends 5 hours psychologically torturing him. best quest EVER.

[sarenhale]

Just watched the Endwalker trailer.... I am super excited but also heavily thinking about the expansion, and what it will mean for Zenos as a character.

Long ass thoughts under the cut.

He’s posed as the final boss here, the big bad guy, but it made me think a lot when the game and some characters explicitly say: “Maybe Zenos isn’t even our final obstacle, the final days will be’. Which also leads me to think that Zenos is just... well, vibing and thriving in the destruction, but that he could not be the reason the final days are happening and everything is going to shit.

He sure as hell is enabling things to happen, but I don’t know if I believe that he’s the instigator and the one behind the idea. I think he’s more of the opportunist taking advantage of chaos and delirium to act his plan of the final hunt, but I think it has been made clear enough that he doesn’t exactly care about Eorzea ending or wars happening to create an intricate plan such as the one put in motion by Fandaniel, he just wants to relive the hunt with his first friend and enemy once again. (Which don’t get me started, it’s so fucking sad man, don’t make me think about it or I’ll tear up...)

This led me to think ... where will this character go? What will happen? I am VERY torn about this, mostly because SE has done an incredible job at keeping everyone guessing and surprising people everytime with the story. 

Could Zenos end up being an ally? Could he be spared? Can he come to reason? I see people even mentioning that he could be a Scion... I honestly really don’t see that happening, the man is batshit insane and as much as I love him, he doesn’t give a shit about Eorzea or helping the world, and I’m sure 99% of the Scions despise him or just want to see him dead. He won’t be a Scion, that would be really out of character for everyone. (For him to be one, for everyone to accept him as such)

But I do wonder if he will end up being spared, or changing his mind. Maybe being a ‘neutral’ force? Maybe even temporarily allying with the WoL (and only with the Wol, he doesn’t care about the others) to prevent him from dying, because he doesn’t actually want his rival and friend to die. A ‘villain turned ally out of necessity��� situation with him would be cool, and would make sense if he wanted to protect the Wol temporarily from another foe, even for just ‘being the one that has to kill / defeat them’. He’s very possessive over the Wol, I feel like.

I just hope we won’t have to kill him... he’s one of my favourite characters now, so I would honestly be DEVASTATED to see him go, even if I perfectly know he would deserve it and everyone would probably be happy if he did. But I just can’t help thinking about how much I love this character, his story, what he implies, what he represents, all the things he carries with him... I feel like Endwalker will surely give us a lot of content for him, which I am excited and happy about, but I just wish we could not kill him so we get to see more.

This is where I get conflicted because my realist side tells me we already got a fake death, even if we DID kill him, and fight him with the intent to kill. He managed to escape death though, and came back. I just think it would be a bit unrealistic to have him escape death once again, and even more unrealistic having him being an ally. One could argue we already have examples of Garlean villains turned allies, with Nero, Cid and Gaius, but like... they weren’t like this.

What I love about Zenos is also what makes him unreedemable.

Zenos is mad. Zenos doesn’t give a shit about anyone, about life, death, people, slaughtering innocents, about Eorzea, hell, he doesn’t even give a crap about the world ENDING if it means he can have a final dance with his beast. And I LOVE all these unique parts about him, but I also realize those parts are what make imagining him surviving so hard, considering the circumstances. 

Cid, Nero and Gaius weren’t mad with power. Sure, they all did bad things, but you don’t see them talking about how they just wanted to fight one person to feel an emotion and destroyed countries and people for that reason. The others had reasons behind their actions (as bad as those reasons could be, their actions were still guided by logic), Zenos doesn’t. Zenos is a feral animal and follows his istincts, that’s why I find it so hard to imagine him as someone who is not a villain. I would LOVE for him to be saved, to have someone give him a chance, my humane (and emphatic ass) wants someone to take a chance on him also because I feel so close to his struggle, but my realistic side says ‘Yeah, it’s not gonna happen’. 

As much as I love this character and would like him not to die, I also realize he did horrible things and slaughtered innocents without even thinking about it. I went back to check on dialogues of people talking about facing him in the war, and man it’s bad. People basically describe how he wouldn’t even find enjoyement in killing people or winning wars, but how we was just ‘looking for a feeling’ even on the battlefield, while destroying people’s hopes and dreams in Doma and all Yangxia. It’s bad. It’s REAL bad. Sometimes I forget how... bad this character is.

“...I do not think there was any joy in it. Nor justice, nor morality, nor meaning. To him, the weight of one life is no different from that of a thousand.  A challenge had been issued and was accepted. But on finding us no challenge at all, his objective changed. There were tales of imperial soldiers being flayed for slaughtering families. For breaking brave men’s spirits. Only later did I come to understand why. He did not desire obedience. He desired hate… and men consumed by it.  A new battle. A new enemy. A new challenge. The hunt, I am told he called it. A hunt without end. And when all our best lay dead and broken, he left. He left, muttering that we had “bored” him. But our weapons, at least, held his interest. For he took a fallen samurai’s sword, having grown… fond of it. Since that day, he has ever wielded Far Eastern blades. He is said to be fascinated by ones with storied histories, and so soldiers who seek to to curry his favor often present those of defeated enemies as gifts.

Lyse: It’s like all a game to him. People are suffering -- dying -- and he’s collecting swords? “

But man. I don’t know what Endwalker has in store for me, for Zenos, but I sure hope maybe something can happen where he doesn’t die. I don’t know how the fuck that would happen, maybe we would need to see more of him and understand his story/his side better, and see if he actually does want to work with the WoL side by side instead of just fighting him. Maybe that can happen, he does care about the WoL after all, and he knows enjoyement and thrill will come out of being with them. I just don’t know how that could realistically *WORK*... But I sure does hope there’s some kind of compromise, where he maybe just can reflect on his actions and do something about them.

This is my stupid ‘I see too much of myself in Zenos to talk rationally’ self talking, but I am so sad at seeing a character that has struggles and grew up feeling nothing but apathy, being loved by no one, end up like a villain again. Having to just be put down like a feral animal. Again. 

I guess my stupid ass would just like him to be happy, found peace maybe, HELL, I don’t know if he deserves it, but some parts of me tells me he does. I just get so sad when I am reminded at how much his father, family, nation, no one gave a shit about him. That’s too much human and close to home for me to disregard everything entirely and just call him a villain. 

I also am conflicted because I wonder if what I want for him isn’t also out of character, and something that would ruin his character and story. I love Zenos because he’s unapologetically himself, does what he wants, and obeys no one’s agenda, but his wants and instincts. I don’t want his personality and story arc to be ruined by salvation or him randomly becoming an ally and everyone pretending he didn’t do anything wrong, that would make me hate him and SE so much. I would much prefer him dead than him ruined as a character. I do wonder if me wanting him to be spared death and him being unapologetically himself are two things that can’t co-exist- it FEELS like that, honestly. I have faith in SE that they will write him and the story well, and make me enjoy what happens, so at the moment I’m not particularly worried about him being ruined as a character. But I just got to the point where I am so attached that I am of course scared of losing my favourite character. I guess we will have to see, honestly only the game and what will happen in the story can tell me if I am right in having hope for him or if I am not. There’s a lot of possibility in the story, a lot of surprises in SE’s writing everything everytime, and i how they make things WORK, so there’s hope in THAT.

And maybe I want to see a different solution for him that isn’t death. Call it retribution, maybe I am projecting TOO MUCH in this character, but yeah, just being honest and baring my emotions to the world here. I guess we will have to see what happens. 

[zmediaoutlet]

For the spn ask meme: 12 & 19

oho! let’s do it:

12. Which season do you think is best written? Which is your favourite?

oh gosh. s4 I think is the best-written, and best in a lot of other ways, too: plot arc, character work, acting skills, just the look and feel and vibe all feeling totally coherent, from that first moment of Dean’s eye flashing panicked in hell to the moment of white-out when Lucifer’s released. Holy shit, it’s so good. It sucks that it’s so emotionally painful because I feel like a lot of fans avoid it in favor of comfort eps, or whatever, but... holy cow, man! Head of a Pin! Lazarus Rising! Aah!

It’s also my favorite, a lot of the time, but really my favorite is s11, because I’m not immune to seeking comfort episodes either. There are a ton of individual episodes in s11 that work really well, but again, it’s the... vibe. Sam and Dean, safe together, all their choices and the consequences from those choices rolling forward to this point---all the pain behind them---and they still just... choose this. Every day. Sam looks at Dean and says, yes, this is what I want. Dean safe in the bunker, even with Amara chasing down his heart, because Sam says, I got it, Dean, and Dean can believe him. The plot details don’t matter so much in the face of that. It’s just amazing. I’m so happy we got it. Thanks, Jeremy.

19. What does the djinn dream say about Dean?

I guess an obvious thing here would be to say the thing that always shows up in tags of that episode, i.e. Since when do you call me Sammy? and Dean’s flinch of confusion, and how that leads to everything else. That part’s never really stood out to me, tbh, other than how djinn!Sam is INSANELY HOT and Dean’s subconscious is a thirsty, delicious bitch.

What kills me about the djinn dream -- and it’s echoed with Dean’s attitude in Croatoan, and even much later when he’s a demon -- is that Dean does not want this responsibility. His whole life, he’s been saddled with hunting, and worrying about other people’s lives, and even with worrying about Sam, although of course he loves Sam and wants him to be safe and that particular aspect of the responsibility is wound inextricably around his heart. But still---when he’s shown a normal life with a normal random girl and mowing the lawn and not having to be who he is, he unspools like a spring cruelly held under too much pressure. He says, “We’re civilians!” with this half-laugh in his voice. When he gets to see Sam again, he’s fucking thrilled to pieces that Sam’s going to get married to Jess---no matter that he obviously wants Sam as close as possible, Sam is safe and he’s in school and he’s going to be married and he’s going to be okay, and that means another responsibility lifted from Dean’s shoulders. A chance that, maybe, he could make choices just for himself, for his own happiness, and no one would suffer as a result.

Of course that turns out to be fools’ gold, and of course he re-shoulders the responsibility. Because, of course, a larger point of Supernatural in general is “with great knowledge comes great responsibility” -- that is, if you know about the supernatural and you know how to deal with it and you could deal with it and choose not to, you’re complicit in every death that follows, and you are guilty, and you don’t deserve happiness. This is why Sam’s always dragged back. (This is also, actually, an interesting aspect of how Sam interacts with some people later on--cf. his conversation with au!Charlie.) Dean can’t not be a hunter if there are things to hunt. It’s counter to everything he ever knew about himself and who he ever will be. There was no chance that they’d ‘retire’---he was going to hunt until he died, and, lo, he did. By the finale he’s okay with that, and he’s made his peace. But a different djinn dream, or a wish he could have made, or a soulless episode or another stint of demonhood---his heart wishes he could just be a normal dude with a job and a partner and a life that was simple and free, and it’s friggin heartbreaking that he doesn’t get that. (Until he sort of, kind of does, when he and Sam are Ultimately Married in s11.)

[orionsangel86]

Season 14 Wishlist

Alrighty then! As per the last few season’s, each autumn before the season premier I will write a wishlist of things that hopefully will happen in the coming season, which I will then go through once the season is over.

For those of you curious:

Here is my wishlist for season 12 and here is my season 12 wishlist review

Here is my wishlist for season 13 and here is my season 13 wishlist review

Now as a slight disclaimer I need to stress that this isn’t meta, or me promising anything to happen (since I’m not a showrunner nor psychic) and is purely meant for fun - having said that most of the items on my wishlist are at least somewhat realistic wishes and within the realms (at least in my opinion) of actually happening.

So without further rambling here we go:

A decent arc for Michael!Dean. Yes, we all expect it to only last 3 episodes. which I find deeply disappointing. I would prefer if things are not as they seem and it turns out to last far longer than that.

Scenes inside Dean’s head. Like we got with both Cas and Sam when they were possessed, I really want to know where Michael has got Dean stashed away inside his head - and exactly what kind of experience that is for him. I can think of a whole bunch of different ways that could go - will Michael put Dean through hell? Or will he distract him the way of the Djinn with his idea of heaven? I am extremely excited by this idea and hope they don’t pass on the potential.

The missing scene from 13x23 when Dean said yes to Michael. There was definitely more to that and I hope so much we will see it - though I don’t think this is particularly likely.

Cas’s grief. Obviously. Last year I was all about Dean’s grief arc. This year, I need Cas’s to be just as bad. This is 10 years since the original story. Stopping Michael and changing allegiance to stand with Dean was Cas’s origin story - Remember how he reacted in season 5 when Dean was thinking about saying yes to Michael? Oh ho ho I can’t even begin to imagine how this will affect Cas. I want this to be a mirror of last year, and far worse than season 10. 

Sam’s continued leadership role. Now where I want to see Cas absolutely broken with grief over Dean’s possession, what I think would compliment it perfectly is Sam’s fearsome determination and functional leadership. It would be a great way to show how far the brothers have come to breaking the toxic codependency which has bound them to each other - that Sam is capable of functioning without Dean and without immediately trying to sell his soul or give his life for his brother. 

Sam and Cas working together. One of the things that I really hated about the start of season 10, was that without Dean around, Sam and Cas’s relationship just fell apart, and Sam was made to look pretty much like a douche by the show implying he had kicked Cas out of the bunker and blamed him for breaking his shoulder?!? (I found the whole thing very out of character for Sam but then destiel’s continued refusal to become canon tends to make Sam look occasionally douchey - but that is a meta for another day). Give me Sam and Cas as a team. Supporting each other in their grief and acting like the brothers (in-law) that they are.

Jack and Cas father/son bonding time - I mean I saw the promo and it looks like Jack is gonna be grounded for a little while... >.> but once he has written 100 lines of “I will not suggest killing my dad in front of my father” I think Cas will forgive him. I’d like to see Cas trying to teach Jack human things or mundane tasks with Dean watching them with a fond expression!

Addressing Dean’s abuse trauma - this one has been going around on tumblr recently so I’m latching on to other wonderful meta a bit here, but since last season explored Sam’s Lucifer trauma (and to an extent Cas’s Naomi trauma), it would be fitting if this Michael!Dean arc is followed up with an arc of recovery for Dean, not just from Michael, but from everything he has suffered since the apocalypse.

More seeing “behind the mask” with Dean. I think he has already massively grown into himself and out of his fathers shadow, but I’d just like more examples like with the chick flicks and the cucumber water.

Cas truly breaking free from heaven. Now I think that the ideal situation would be that Cas is the one to fix heaven, and that he leaves the angels by choice, and with them all respecting him and being thankful to him. But Cas needs to start to break free from that duty and obligation that he still feels to heaven. Even in season 13 he carried that guilt, and whilst this is more endgame stuff, I desperately want to see more progress on this. 

More hints towards Cas desiring human things and human feelings and basically desiring humanity for himself (no jokes guys, this time I DON’T mean Dean). I am a staunch human!Cas endgame girl after all. The show spent a lot of time in season 9 and 10 building on this for Cas and then it went a bit quiet. I’d like to see those threads picked up again.

In fact, when it comes to Cas, how about he starts answering some of those hundreds of unanswered questions that have been thrown at him since Carver era? How about he finds his place, where he belongs and AS WHAT in general? Cas, you have a home now and a family. Stop lingering in doorways. 

Sam showing us more of his personality. I think now that his Lucifer trauma has been somewhat addressed, Sam should be a bit lighter and more carefree. I’d like to know some more about him other than his obsession with serial killers which is frankly a worrying hobby Sam!

Mary and Cas bonding - in fact I just want to see all of the rest of Dean’s family bonding with Cas more. I want more knowing looks from Mary and even a conversation about the topic - oh wouldn’t that be a dream!

Dean coming out of the closet. Yes yes I know I know. Every year... But it is 20gayteen and next year is 20BITEEN and dammit the world is full of rainbows right now - Bert and Ernie made it official... Why can’t Dean Winchester? I’m totally cool with someone slipping THIS to Dabb. I won’t even ask for credit. ;)

Last year I wanted Sam to build on his relationships outside of Dean and we did pretty well last year with that. But of course, I want more. Maybe some Sam x Rowena? I’m game. 

On that note WITCH!SAM. I am still a huge lover of Sam practicing magick. It’s a story line with so much potential.

More badass ladies kicking ass. Aww man we were kinda blessed with this last year weren’t we? Keep it up show. Please keep it up.

Billie continuing to play a large role as Death. I find her captivating and want more.

Wayward Sisters returning. It still hurts, but we need to know what happens next.

JODY AND CAS NEED TO MEET GODDAMMIT. Also I want Cas to reunite with Claire again.

As per last year: The return of the mixtape. BRING BACK THE MIXTAPE (yup I’m gonna wish for it until I get it).

Please dress Cas up. The closest we got last year was the cowboy hat and the dreadful nazi uniform of AU Cas. Why can’t we have him in plaid? PLEASE.

Absolutely no Lucifer, Lucifer vessel or any hint of Mark Pellegrino. Plus no Kentucky fried chicken pantomime villains either. I’ll be happy if season 14 is free from this nonsense.

Saving the best for last, what do I always wish for above all else? You guessed it - DESTIEL. Do I want it to be canon? Well yes eventually of course. But in season 14 my wish is for their story to continue as it did in early season 13. More obvious destiel content, more of destiel built into the narrative and ideally, made explicit. A love confession? Even if only to a third party? That is undeniably romantic. Zero “no homo’s” would be nice. I just wish for further development on the destiel narrative. That is all. 

As always feel free to add to this with your own wishes! 

BRING ON SEASON 14!! :D

[chocolatequeennk]

Meta Monday: Rose Tyler Defence

Today’s Meta Monday post is brought to you by the person who left a full-fledged rant against Rose Tyler in a comment on one of my fics. For the record, if you spend 500 words putting down one half of my OTP, you cannot say you respect that I ship Ten/Rose. Also, RUDE.

So, I’m going to break down the comment point by point. This was left on my ficlet about Martha, and about halfway through, it switches to ranting about how Martha was treated by the Doctor. For the sake of length, I’ll cover that part next week. Bullet points in quotes are taken directly from the review.

1) Rose was selfish.

At times, yes. Because Rose was human and humans have flaws. She was a well-written character who didn’t always do the right thing for the right reason.

Can we talk for a minute about why Rose is selfish? She’d recently ended a relationship with someone who took advantage of her. Jimmy Stone took off and left her £800 in debt. When you’re used like that, you learn to look out for yourself first, because no one else will. It’s a habit that takes time to break. 

Now, this accusation often includes, “Rose was selfish to leave her family to travel,” and I will argue against that with my dying breath. It is not selfish for a young woman to decide to leave her family and create her own life. That is natural. I know Jackie and Mickey struggled with it, but that’s their thing to deal with. Honestly, them expecting Rose to never change and always be the same Rose they remembered is more selfish than Rose choosing to create her own life.

Don’t we tell girls all the time that they should plan their lives based on what would make them happy, not on what people expect them to do? Isn’t that part of what feminism is? So why do we insist it’s selfish when a young woman is actually bold enough to flout expectations and forge her own path?

2) “She ditched Mickey immediately when she heard the Doctor telling her that Tardis is a time travel machine.”

Why is it so horrible that Rose jumped at an amazing opportunity for a better life? She was obviously bored and dissatisfied before meeting the Doctor. (Look at her face when she’s working at Henrik’s. That is not the face of someone content with their life.) 

And let’s get rid of the notion that Mickey was a perfect boyfriend. Do you remember the part in “Rose” where she asks if she can borrow his laptop? And he says yes, but then in a panic tells her not to look at his email? That’s supposed to be a hint that he was cheating on her--another sign that her life was not ideal, meaning she was at a perfect spot for a change.

I understand that it hurts to be the person left behind. I’ll even agree that Rose should have said a bit more of a goodbye to Mickey than she did. (Though since the Doctor had already left once, I don’t blame her if she thought there was a clock ticking.) However, I refuse to blame Rose for wanting a different life. That’s grossly unfair. 

Think about this: Donna pitched the keys to the car she shared with her mother in a bin, then took off without saying a word about travelling. And yet, I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about the way she left her family. Why is what Rose did so much worse?

3) “She also not only made Jackie grieve over her, therefore making her get Mickey go to police 5 times the whole year.”

Oh boy. One of my favourites. 

THE MISSING YEAR IS NOT ROSE’S FAULT.

We don’t know how long Rose had been with the Doctor when they landed at the beginning of “Aliens of London.” If we go strictly by time we’ve seen, it’s less than a week. If we believe there are adventures that happen offscreen, then maybe 2-3 weeks. 

Not only that, but she had been assured that to her mum, only 12 hours would have passed. She walked into that flat thinking she’d been gone overnight, thinking her phone call from Platform One would have been plenty to ease any worries. 

It is not Rose Tyler’s fault that the TARDIS, purposely or not, skipped a full year.

That means none of the things that happened to people on Earth during that time are her fault. It’s not her fault that her mum thought she was dead. It’s not her fault that Mickey was dragged in for questioning. Jackie and Mickey resenting Rose for the missing year does not make it actually Rose’s fault. 

4) “She flirted with Adam and Jack and broke up with Mickey, making him feel like crap.”

Right. Mickey who told Rose--in the middle of trying to chat her up--that he was seeing Trisha Delaney? Which he told her purposely to make her angry? Mickey is not superior here, so don’t even try to make it out like Rose is the horrible tramp and Mickey is the long-suffering boyfriend. 

And if she’d broken up with Mickey, what does it matter that she flirted with Adam and Jack? This kind of slut-shaming needs to end. Flirting is not a sin.

5) “She ripped Tardis console to become Bad Wolf, despite the fact that Tardis was an sentient being.” 

I see this thrown out as a horrible thing all the time. Do you know who did not get angry at Rose for opening the TARDIS? The Doctor. Not once in his explanation to Jack during “Utopia” does he say anything bad about Rose opening the TARDIS. Not once does his voice betray anything but awe at what she became. 

No one knows and loves the TARDIS more than the Doctor. If he wasn’t upset with Rose for opening her heart, maybe it wasn’t a bad thing for her to do. 

Also, if you’re thinking Bad Wolf was a selfish choice, then you’re purposely reading your opinion that Rose was selfish into the text. Rose knew looking into the heart of the TARDIS could kill her--she’d seen what had happened to Margaret the Slitheen. But she chose to do it anyway, because it was the only way to save the Doctor. 

Rose becoming Bad Wolf is not about her pouting because he sent her away. That is the wrongest interpretation of that scene I have ever seen, and it makes me angry every time. In the diner, when she’s trying to explain to Jackie and Mickey why she’s so upset, she starts with, “Two hundred thousand years in the future, he’s dying, and there’s nothing I can do.” And when Bad Wolf explains her choice and her purpose to the Doctor? "I want you safe. My Doctor. Protected from the false god.” 

Not to mention her glorious speech in the diner, which is entirely about understanding that life is better when you live it for other people. Bad Wolf is Rose Tyler at her least selfish and she is absolutely brilliant. 

6) “Martha actually worked hard to become a doctor, while Rose could not even get herself a job after getting her job blown off.” 

Wow. There’s so much classist garbage in here, I don’t even know where to start.

Yes, Martha worked hard. That doesn’t mean Rose didn’t. Stop putting down one companion to praise another. 

You don’t have to have an upper class job like doctor to be a hard worker. Poor people work their tails off, doing things no one else wants to do. Even Martha complained that she had to work in a shop. (Blink)

Rose left with the Doctor twenty-four hours after Henrik’s blew up. 

No, she didn’t go out job hunting the day after almost dying. 

Lucky she didn’t, because if she hadn’t spent the day looking up the Doctor, she might not have been there when he faced the Nestene Consciousness. And the Doctor himself admitted that he would have died if it wasn’t for her.

What you’re really saying is that instead of going off to have a fabulous life, Rose should have stayed on the Estate. I’m being kind and not adding, “where she belonged” to the end of that statement, but really--that’s what you’re implying. That as a young woman from the Estate, Rose didn’t deserve the kind of life she found with the Doctor.

Why not? 

Rose Tyler was clever. Practically the first thing the Doctor says to her is a compliment because she’d come up with a logical explanation for the Autons. It was wrong, but he was impressed by her logic. 

Rose Tyler was brave. She saved the Doctor that first day, she ran into the TARDIS even though he told her it would be dangerous, she ran after the ghost in “The Unquiet Dead...” Do I need to go on? Rose Tyler shot out the window of the rocket she was on so she could kill Satan. How’s that?

Rose Tyler was compassionate. She objected strenuously to the Doctor asking Gwyneth to channel to Gelth. She saw a little boy calling for his Mummy and tried to help him. She refused to let the Doctor kill a Dalek. She was outraged by the slavery of the Ood.

Rose Tyler stood up for what she believed in, no matter what the cost. She never hesitated to tell the Doctor if she thought what he was doing was wrong, even though she knew he could always take her home if he got annoyed with her. When he was passed out from regeneration sickness, she stood up to the Sycorax in his place. She got in Mr. Connolly’s face in Idiot’s Lantern when he was being a sexist jerk, talking down to his wife. 

Rose Tyler was clever, brave, and compassionate. When she was gone, the Doctor missed her ability to spot things he missed. “Rose would know,” was not just a sentimental comment--the solution to their adventures often started with Rose spotting something out of place and pointing it out to the Doctor. (The Unquiet Dead, The Long Game, Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, School Reunion, Idiot’s Lantern and Fear Her, just off the top of my head.)

So no, random reviewer, Rose is not flawless. But she’s also not the selfish girl you insist she is.

[short-stack-apple-jack]

I want to share something personal, if that's alright, to anyone who thinks their life doesn't matter/no one would miss them/has suicidal thoughts or ideation

I know it's long but if you are one of the people mentioned above please read to the end. (I'm choosing to use letters instead of full names to represent people for privacy reasons.) 

 At the beginning of my sophomore year I transferred to a film and entertainment school so I could learn better drawing, animation, character design, etc. to improve my skills for my career. In my first couple weeks of animation class I grew very close to a boy named B. We ended up sitting next to each other most days, and he was really nice. We talked about video games, drawing, My Little Pony (which we were both very into at the time), and a lot of other things. He was one of my first friends in high school. 

 A couple months into school he asked if I wanted to go to Arby's with him at lunch because he had a coupon and Arby's does this thing where you can use a coupon up to like 5 times in one trip for the same deal. So I said yes and at lunch I met him in the lobby of our school to hunt down someone to give us a ride. He had asked most of his friends and been turned down either because they had plans or didn't want to drive, and then he realized he knew someone who would take us. He told me to follow him so I did. We ran up to this area called the weather station (an upstairs area in the north wing of our school, which used to be a news station building) where he ran up to this kid named J and asked if he wanted to go to Arby's. J said yes and grabbed his backpack. On our way out we ran into B's friend H, who he invited to come with us as well. We all loaded up into J's car and left. J and B were in the front seat and H and I were in the back. We went to Arby's, got a ton of food, listened to some weird music, and all and all it was one of the first times I really remember feeling like I belonged somewhere. I had been bullied for most of the time I was in public school, and I felt so isolated when I was home schooled. I had very few friends, and even fewer IRLs. But for once in my life I felt like people legitimately and wholeheartedly wanted me there, just over this simple interaction I had. 

 Fast forward a couple months and I'm hanging out with B and his friends constantly, and I never felt annoying about it like I had in most of my previous friendships. Right before winter break, I was met with a great tragedy. My drawing tablet I had received from my grandpa in eighth grade broke on me. Without it, I had no way to work on my drawings over the break. I was upset and anxious because I didn't know what to do with myself if I couldn't draw. So do you know what happened? The day before break B showed up at school and handed me his drawing tablet. He told me I could use it over the break if it meant I wouldn't have such bad anxiety. I cried. I was so grateful. 

 So the break passes over and I get a lot of drawing done. I was really really grateful and made sure to bring it back with me to school the first day we were back. He offered to let me use it for longer until I could buy a new one, but I told him it wasn't necessary and I was just happy to have it for the break. Some time passes on and our friendship is going as per usual. Over the course of the year there were a few times where B needed a ride home from the train station and my grandpa offered to take him. B was always so grateful for his generosity and thanked him profusely, as he knew he lived a bit out of the way. He was one of my grandpa's favourites because of this. 

 We kept talking and meme-ing and anytime I needed help he was there for me, and the same went from me to him. 

 In the beginning of my junior (his senior) year B came out as transgender, and asked us to call him "K" and "her" from now on. Most of us got it that easy and made the adjustment just fine. Others didn't, and continued to dead name her. K had a hard time sticking up for herself, especially when it came to her friends doing things that hurt her. One day she told me that this friend in our math class refused to call her K, and had really started being an ass about it. He made her feel really uncomfortable but she didn't know what to do, so the next time it happened I interrupted his sentence briefly by just saying K's name. He was confused and stopped for a sec before continuing his sentence. It happened again a couple more times, and he got really mad. He got aggressive and tried to call me out in front of everyone asking why I always interrupted him. To which I asked why it's so fucking hard for him to call his "friend" by the right name. He was dumbfounded and tried to say it was because he knew she was okay with it or something, but that's when K piped in saying "no, I'm really not. It makes me uncomfortable and I wish you'd just call me by my actual name." After that, the kid apologized and started calling her K whenever he referred to her. I think their friendship grew a little distant after, but K thanked me profusely afterwards for standing up for her. I told her it really was no big deal, because she should be called by her name. 

 The year went by smoothly and we both graduated that year (I graduated a year ahead of my class), but we stayed really close. I got married a few months later (I was proposed to in April of my Junior year by my boyfriend I'd been with solidly since September and on-off-openish-relationship-type-deal???? Since February of my sophomore year) and moved out, but we still hung out occasionally. She was invited to (and came to) my birthday parties, and helped my mom with my birthday present for last year. We stayed really close, talked almost every single day, and were in multiple group chats with our friends both URL and IRL. 

 Then last year around late March I received a call from her very late one night. She was heavily drunk, and talking about killing herself. She had mild suicidal ideation, which is different from actual suicidal intentions, so when the conversation first started I was worried but not /overly/ worried. I didn't want to call the police because I couldn't confirm she actually intended to die, but I did message her mom saying I thought she might be having a panic episode and need some comfort. The call dropped and she seemed ok when she messaged me, but she called again saying she was going to do it and she was sorry and how I deserved a better friend and how weak she thought she was and I panicked. She hung up on me and I began frantically looking up her address to contact the police. Just as I had found it, her mother messaged me saying thank you for messaging her and that the police had shown up and K was safe and going to the hospital. She said thank you if I was the one who called the police. I admitted I wasn't the one who did it, but that I was about to when she messaged me. She kept me posted on K's status. She had to stay in the hospital for a week because of her mental health and wanting to make sure she didn't do it again. 

When K got out of the hospital I was amazed. She was doing a lot better and really started making some huge strides on her well-being. I was so proud of her. The year progressed on and outside of a few instances mostly relating to her cheating ex girlfriend, K was doing astoundingly well. She messaged me right around Christmas absolutely ecstatic. She told me for Christmas her mom scheduled her appointment for her to start hormone replacement therapy, or HRT. I cried, she cried, we all cried. K was so excited to begin the process to finally feel comfortable in her own skin. 

 Her appointment was in January and she got clearance from her doctor to start the hormones. My friend, who had been out of the closet for more than a year, was finally becoming the external woman she always was on the inside. 

 About a month in, she had began having mood swings again. Not terrible, but they did take effect on her. She knew it was just the hormones though, which reassured her everything was going just as it should. Around the beginning of March she asked if she could come stay the night with me and my mom (my husband and I rent a section of my parents house currently since he is just below age qualification for his career and has to work lower paying jobs in the mean time) and of course we said yes. There is a futon in my office she was welcome to sleep on, so we picked her up from the train station and brought her to the house. We stayed up and played Minecraft and watched movies until 4 AM, when we both headed up to my office so I could draw and she could sleep. The next afternoon we dropped her off at a friend's house who lived just down the street. 

 That was the last time I ever saw K in person.

 A few weeks later in the beginning of April. I woke up a couple minutes after midnight (my sleep schedule at this point was during the mid-day to late evening because my husband was working midnight to 8 AM). We scrambled realizing my husband was late for work and I helped him put his uniform together and got him out the door. I came back down to my bedroom to finally check all my notifications from when I was sleeping. I had a message from a friend I hadn't talked to in some time. We'll call him P. P had sent me a message around 11 asking me if K was okay. Shortly after he had said "Nevermind. I'm so sorry. Let me know if you need anything." Confused, I asked what he was talking about. "K has passed." 

 I felt my heart stop. 

I sat for moments that seemed like hours staring at my phone. I couldn't believe it. I thought maybe it was just a rumor, as it wouldn't have been the first time something like that had happened to someone from our school. But I went to her profile and in the tags was a post from her mother, talking about how K had finally met the end of her suffering battle with anxiety and depression. I still couldn't believe it. The still and silent shock made my body feel completely hollow. I packed my backpack and walked up the stairs to my office, which still smelled of her oddly nice scent from the night she slept there. I laid on the futon and stared into space, completely lost in the shock and silence. 

 After an hour I heard my mom get up to go smoke. I crept down to the garage. I had a pain in my stomach, the first thing I actually FELT since I had received the news. I didn't want to be the one who told her, but I knew I had to. I went and stood near my mom, unable to make eye contact. Suddenly, from the shock I began to cry the truly, hardest I have ever cried. I couldn't breathe. I fell into my moms arms and confused she asked me what was wrong. I pulled back and tried to wipe my eyes. I tried to be composed. I wanted to be strong. But in the end, I couldn't. "K killed herself." I sobbed. 

And that's when the real pain hit.

 I watched as my mom froze in sheer terror that one of the girls she thought of as her own daughter was no longer alive. Have you ever seen pain, not sadness or anger or fear, but actual pain seep into someone's eyes? Let alone your own mother? The memory still makes me break down sobbing. I watched the pain creep into her eyes before giving birth to large cries and tears. We held each other in the garage sobbing for a long time. When she was finally able to breathe and cool down a little, she told me she wanted to let E, my step dad, know. She walked quietly up to their bedroom as I stayed in the kitchen trying to drink some water. 

She reappeared several minutes later with tears on her cheeks, taking me in her arms and begging me never to do something like that. It was the first time I ever actually heard my mom sound truly scared of losing me. I broke down once more and promised her I wouldn't. 

 A couple weeks later they announced the date for the celebration of her life (she was cremated so there was no actual funeral). It was at a large and beautiful baptist church in our Downtown area. My husband was called into work that day, so I asked my grandpa to take me. Without the body being there, my mom didn't feel like she would get any closure and said she would feel better not going, so I went alone with my grandpa. 

 On our way down to the church, my grandpa asked who it was again. I said it was K, and he didn't recognize her name and asked if he had met that friend (he hadn't interacted with her after she came out, not out of transphobia or anything but just she didn't need anymore rides and I usually went with H up to her house instead of her coming to mine, and I was very keep to myself type in high school so my family didn't hear a lot about my personal life, so he didn't remember her transitioning). I explained that he knew her as B, and that she came out during my Junior year as transgender. He said "Oh! B! He's a girl now? Well- I mean, was I guess but really? I had no idea." He got a sad look in his eyes and said it was sad, because “she (I love how easy my family adjusts to my friends being trans they literally have no issue switching names and pronouns once they know what you prefer) was such a nice girl and was really well mannered.”

 When we entered the chapel I found a pew with my other friends who were there and my grandpa sat next to me on the end. The pastor wore a rainbow silk scarf down the outside of his robe, and he talked for awhile and said a prayer before K's dad said a few words about how much he loved her, and how he was so grateful to see how much she grew as a person and how amazing she was. He told a couple stories and then there was a chance where the microphone got handed to random people who stood up (there were a lot of people it filled up the entire chapel) and they talked about their experiences with her and then we were lead in singing Lean On Me, which K and the rest of the choir sang at graduation.

 At the end the pastor talked for a little bit and he said some stuff that really touched me. "I know with the world we live in today, it's hard to find places that you feel you can be safe and accepted, and I know that even fewer of those places are found in churches. But I want all of you here today to know, that regardless of your race, creed, orientation, sex, gender expression, and even your religion, you are always welcome here, and you are always safe here. We love you, God loves you, and I love you. If you ever find yourself in a place where you are in need, please come. You will always have somewhere to go. We won't push you to join our church or turn you away because you don't believe the same as us. Please always know that." It really hit me good. I was so warmed by his words. 

 It's been a few months now, and my office still smells like her. Some days more than others. I haven't been able to openly talk about what happened without crying. There are days I literally forget to eat and drink. Days and nights I have spent in bed because I have been too depressed to get up. I haven't been able to finish any drawing I start except for one, and it was for a friend who was going through a hard time. I forced myself to get it done in a day and a half because if I didn't get it done then I'd never get it done. I haven't retained any Japanese from my lessons, when I do have the energy to do them. I have days where I see something funny or I think of something and I go to send it to her, only to realize she isn't there anymore. I have been hurting for months. 

Somedays, it's easier. Somedays I can get up and draw for awhile and go to my local anime store to play Weiß Schwarz and everything is okay, but it's still constantly there in the back of my mind and it will always return to me. It comes in waves, and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I will have walls of depression with no cause. I haven't felt strong emotions with the exception of depression since K committed suicide. I'm not suicidal or in danger in anyway. I'm depressed though. I'm hurting. My husband has been incredibly supportive and sweet through it all, but if you have ever truly thought your death would not hurt someone. If you have ever thought your life didn't matter, please please know that it does. You have people who love you and who would hurt just as bad as I have been if not worse if they lost you. If you're feeling suicidal please reach out. Get help. Do not end your life. You will hurt people, and you will be deeply missed. Find your local suicide hotline or (at least in the US) text "start" to 741741 to text with a trained crisis counselor. 

 There are people who want to help you. 

 Please give them the chance.