#humandicks

[pulpoddyssey]

Seridian Multi-Global Lawsuit, Human Dicks, and Fire Asses

In 2810, we published an editorial by a contributing writer, Verr Drin regarding a very serious lawsuit involving Seridian Multi-Global Inc., and the lifespan of their “grow-your-own-pets” product. As a staff, we made a professional decision to  not print this editorial in its entirety for a few reasons. 

We deliberated about our decision and ultimately decided to share the piece in its entirety today. Let’s first go over the 4 major reasons we chose to hold back on most of this piece in 2810, just to be clear:

1. Confusion - This an opinion piece. It is not reporting. We didn’t want to confuse our readers by making them think it is anything but Mr. Drin’s opinion. To do so would be incredibly irresponsible.

2. Unsavory language - While we don’t have any specific rules for the content we publish, we do respect that others may not want to read the word “dick” 11 times or anywhere near the words “shit,” “piss,” and “gooey” alongside their morning coffee. 

2. Human egos - Humans have amazingly enormous egos. Humans reading this are very likely to get offended and may, out of a combination of anger and negligence, destroy yet another important thing needed for their survival. We apologize if this article incites anything like that.

3. Limited space - it’s pretty long and unlike the apparent infinite expanse of Internet newsprint, as a physical newspaper, we do have to limit the amount of words we print. Every ink dot in every letter costs us.  

NOTES ON A DEFECTIVE SPECIES 

Verr Drin, Staff Contributor

I recently learned that Fred (an omnipotent dog-being that isn't god but also isn't not god, you know?) had purchased a packet of "grow-your-own pets" tablets from a prank magazine. It's like those kits kids buy with a couple of shrimps who hatch out of some eggs in a little container, but on a planetary scale. Planet equals container. Life equals shrimps.

Basically you drop them into water and then in a few billion years you get some species. Generally this is how all life in the universe was formed—all life but that of the everlasting, all-powerful Fred—it's just that there are different levels in quality of the beings that grow. The main problem with cheaper kits is that they are extremely fragile. If you forget to feed them, they die. If you overwater them, they die. If you feed them too much, they die. If you drop a rock into their habitat, they die. If you place the habitat too close to the light, they die. If you place it too far, they die. These cheap ones are usually a total rip-off, in my humble opinion.

Fred has filed a lawsuit against the "grow your own pets" manufacturer, Seridian Multi-Global, Inc. for misleading claims of how long their "pets" can live without literally killing themselves. Generally the packaging promotes claims of longevity and quality. If you didn't play with these little life-creation kits as a child, I honestly feel sorry for you but, if you have, you may know that threat species self-extinction should never be an issue. However, this product seems to have gone horribly awry on Earth.

Earth is generally a nice value for $15 (earth readers, we use USD in space too, for some reason). The habitat has plate tectonics so it puts on a nice little show, it fits right into any standard star system, and it has potential for modification (moons, for example). Now, don't get me wrong, earth has a lot of dead pets, e.g. dinosaurs,  dodo, wooly mammoth, and yes, there is often some collateral damage while cleaning out the habitat. But there is a new danger brewing: a recently developed species with minimal space travel technology have been showing signs of potential self-immolation, "humans."

So, why are humans trying to kill themselves? I have done the research and I think I can understand what went wrong in the product's programming. First, let's talk about how they have gotten to this point.

After spending 98% of their existence figuring out how to use fire, humans took their sweet time doing anything worthwhile amidst constant fighting over their dicks, worrying about their dicks, and making big sculptures of their warring, troubled dicks. They wondered why they and their dicks existed and built entire societies around trying to figure that out (joke's on them, it was just Fred). Eventually, they got around to space travel and built some exploding fire dicks that they would use to fuck the sky. Additionally, while handling all of their dick struggles, the humans have been awful roommates. They have managed to find a way to hassle every other species on the planet in one way or another. The other species on Earth are all trying to do their thing while all the humans were like, "fuck you, we're awesome as fuck. Get in this box, I'm drunk."

Additionally, their programming had clearly taken a turn for the worst very early on in human development. For the prior 200,000 years, their own shit and farts had kept them content. They were only content enough to curb the dick fighting for brief moments, but they were doing okay. They consumed some shit, pooped out some shit, consumed some shit, pooped out some shit, etc. There was plenty of shit around to keep everyone going. After some time, some assholes decided it was time to take more shits than they needed to take, thus consuming more shit and shitting more shit than ever before, and at a rapid pace. But that wasn't enough. Enter the most damaging development in their code, and the most damning bit of evidence for the defense: the Fire Asses.

The humans built the Fire Asses, primitive machines which not only consumed shit, but would also provide them with more, smellier shit. Humans would work long days inside of these fire asses in exchange for currency, and continue to work in the fire asses until this day. As they had always known, you can only get as much new shit as you have old shit. The cycle remained relatively closed and safe and the program still seemed relatively stable. This was all until the humans sunk their dicks deep into the planet, discovering flaming pet goo.

Flaming pet goo was a thick liquid made of other dead pets such as the dinosaurs. The humans then discovered something magical, they could set it on fire. It could work with the Fire Asses to produce more shit than they could before, more shit than they could ever need, and more shit than there had been. They could finally take out their dicks and fuck the planet. In a way it was their most ingenious dick nonsense yet.

Then, with their dicks covered in flaming gooey shit, fucking the Earth ad infinitum, the human pets built countless Fire Asses, all farting and shitting to no end. Their dependence on Fire Asses grew until they lived in them, transported themselves in them, and worked tirelessly inside of them in order to make and consume more shit.

This brings us to today: The humans live on Earth surrounded by endless piles of shit and massive fart clouds and not a single one of them is happy (I certainly wouldn't be if I were living in a pile of my own shit). The program is clearly defective at this point, in my opinion, the defense has no case. After all the dicks and assholes, farts and shit, fucking the planet and the sky, the humans are faced with a harsh truth. They are terrible roommates and the planet has told them that it is time for them to go fuck themselves. Firing flaming dicks at each other, they fuck themselves constantly. They've dropped enormous exploding fucking dicks, fucking thousands of humans at once. They've shat and farted so much that their habitat is breaking, the cooling system is fucked, the water is fucked, the dirt is fucked, the shit is fucked, and the humans are fucked.

It is absolutely clear to me the entire "grow-your-own-pets" product is literally a fucking disaster. However, through all of the humans' problems, it seems to all come back to one single problem in the program. The humans should have never tried to get more shit than they needed.

The company who manufactures this "grow-your-own-pet" product have been under fire for quite some time now as the media coverage ramps up. The parent company, Seridian Multi-Global, Inc. is accused of false marketing and for selling a fucked up product. They are due for their first hearing this Friday the 256th on Balkar-Deezy 9. They are lawyered up and ready to fight but, this really seems like a simple case of some cheap, shitty, fucked up sea monkeys to me.