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39 Tweets That Nail The Difference Between Life Before And After Kids

They say having kids changes everything. While the reality may not be so absolute, parents on Twitter have shown that there is definitely some merit to the statement.

Many funny moms and dads tweet about the difference between their laid back childfree years and the experience of being a parent. We’ve rounded up some of the best examples. 

Without further ado, here are 39 hilarious tweets that sum up life before and after kids.  

Before kids: Kids will help me with everything around the house. After kids: *scrapes foreign object off wall with chisel*

— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) December 7, 2016

My goals before kids: 1) Get promoted. 2) Do a marathon. 3) Travel. My goals after kids: 1) Put on pants 2) Fall asleep without crying

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2016

Girl's Night Out before kids: Hair done, high heels, red lipstick, low cut top, perfume. Girl's Night Out after kids: Underwire bra, pants.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) December 16, 2016

Thoughts before kids: What's the meaning of life? Thoughts after kids: Does the same actress play Daniel Tiger's mom AND Justin Time's mom?

— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) February 13, 2016

Before kids: I'm not going to let kids stop me from doing what I want! After kids: *turns down literally every invitation because, kids*

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 28, 2017

Movie criteria before kids: Is it good? Movie criteria after kids: How long is it? It's already 9 and I'm really tired. #Oscars

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) February 27, 2017

Before kids: "I won't assume others find my kid cute." After kids: *Arranges furniture around play area so everyone can enjoy the cuteness.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 29, 2016

Life before kids: Who would ever need "THIS" in bulk?! Life as a parent after kids: How did we ever do without "THIS" in bulk?!

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) October 10, 2016

Marriage goals before kids: Make love daily, don't take each other for granted, disagree respectfully. After: Stay up after kids go to bed.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 19, 2016

Xmas before kids: food, unwrap, hugs, see ya! After kids: open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, tw

— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111) December 25, 2015

How I knew he was the one: Before Kids: brought me flowers & wine. Why I still know: After Kids: Brings me coffee in bulk and wine in bulk.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 27, 2015

Exciting Groupon offers... Before Kids: •Wine tastings •Pub tours •Bed & breakfasts After Kids: •Carpet cleaning •Bounce houses •Bulk wine

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 25, 2016

Before kids: Someone else pukes, YOU puke. After kids: Watching, fascinated, as your boy power-boots across the room. Meatloaf! I knew it!

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 20, 2014

Before kids: OMG these painful shoes are SO cute! *buys* After kids: I'll take these ergonomic, moderately hideous shoes in all 4 colors.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 15, 2017

Before kids: Ashamed to admit you liked that raunchy porn After kids: Ashamed to admit you really liked that movie w/ the talking cat

— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 9, 2017

Before kids: Quiet children seems like a nice goal. After kids: What's the medical term for "fear of quiet children" because I have that.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 12, 2016

Before kids: I need those shoes!! After kids: Did you see that new mop that cleans the baseboards!!

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 8, 2015

Google before kids: "Cool sex moves" Google after kids: "LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: Fall of the Golden Master Season 3"

— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) October 7, 2015

Halloween: Before kids, a great excuse to dress sexy. After kids, a great excuse to wear pajamas to a party.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 27, 2013

Trips before kids: Let's spontaneously leave for the weekend in 10 minutes! After kids: It's going to take all weekend just to pack.

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) December 31, 2016

Before Kids: Long day. Let's go out and treat ourselves to a nice dinner. After Kids: I FOUND A CHCKEN NUGGET IN THE COUCH! WANNA SPLIT IT?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2015

Disney movies and song before having kids: After having kids: http://pic.twitter.com/hbIBWmvyDt

— Corbin Adam Scott (@corbinadamscott) May 1, 2017

Saturdays before kids: (calm voice) “What should we do today?” Saturdays after kids: (panicked voice) “What should we do today?”

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) February 8, 2014

Sex before kids: raunchy Sex after kids: paunchy

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 24, 2017

Before kids, I'd milk an illness so I could stay in bed all day. After kids, I learned to mask it so they couldn't sense my weakness.

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) July 22, 2014

Before kids: Catch a cold and you're sick for 3 days. After kids: Catch a cold and you're sick for 10 years.

— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) May 13, 2016

Before sons: Secretly judged parents for giving kids Benadryl on flights After sons: Secretly wish they hadn't outlawed Children's Paregoric

— Myrrh (@ixix82) November 19, 2016

Romance before kids: Flowers, wine, candles, foreplay Romance after kids: When my husband uses air freshener after he destroys our bathroom

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) May 17, 2016

Dinner before kids: Chicken, roasted asparagus & homemade bread Dinner after kids: Cheerios picked up off the floor while cleaning up pee

— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 29, 2016

Before kids: My best friends are the ones I hear from the most. After kids: My best friends are the ones who expect the least of me.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 14, 2017

Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot. Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams "HEADS UP!"

— Court (@Discourt) March 23, 2015

Before kids: OMG, gross, I HAVE to shower everyday. After kids: Isn't showering more than a few times a week bad for your skin anyway?

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 24, 2017

Going to the movies alone before kids: Depressing. Going to the movies alone after kids: Not talk to anyone for 2 hours? TAKE MY MONEY.

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) December 18, 2015

Goals for kids before actually having them: have infinite patience, never cuss, don't let them watch TV. After: get them to put on shoes.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 15, 2017

Before kids: I'd help my kids achieve any dream, no questions! After Kids: Kid says they want to grow up to be a meatball & u need a minute

— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) September 10, 2016

NY Goals before kids: Eat better, exercise, spend more time w/friends, be open to opportunities. After kids: Keep them alive 1 more year

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 29, 2016

Things I've learned since becoming a mom: Before children: "I'd never let my children do that!" After children: "Just don't hurt yourself.."

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) February 26, 2014

Before kids: Online shopping--alone and at home--is such a luxury. After kids: Shopping--alone and at an actual store--is such a luxury.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 28, 2017

Before kids: Our neighbor is a lunatic she's constantly screaming at her kids. After Kids: Hi neighbor come on over for coffee I so get you!

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 5, 2013

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