#hs hyperfocus moment!

[aradyke]

i have sketched. all six girlz. it took me 4 hourz. help

[alternis-dim]

haha whoopsies time to ramble about my brain

I’ve been thinkin abt my mental health a lot recently and man. man. it really sucks that I’m not diagnosed for a single thing even though both my mom and brother were, and I guess I can only attribute that to the fact that I was never ��struggling” with a nice healthy helping of eldest daughter syndrome. because now that I’m in college and living in a new place and have that fresh perspective, it’s kind of ridiculous that I’ve just been living like this for years???

 I really just went  through all of high school with super frustrating social anxiety, struggled with executive dysfunction for ages because I didn’t have a word for it, went through on and off months of depression without ever having family check in on me. and I just assumed that shit was normal and that I was lacking some “spark” that everybody had but me. it took me too fuckin long to learn that people don’t analyze their conversations line by line before they talk, or that people don’t dwell for days on a slightly dismissive or frustrated response, or that “procrastination” and “desperately wanting to get work done that I know needs to be finished but I just. can’t. start. and it’s driving me mad” are two completely different things. 

and especially this year, I’ve been looking back on my life and realizing that ADHD is probably a way bigger part of my life than I ever realized, even though I only started to suspect I have it a few months ago. it explains so much, from my fidgeting to my racing thoughts to my terrible focus and memory. it explains why I always felt like I was “slower” and lacking something compared to my classmates, as I watched them somehow manage sports, clubs, jobs and good grades. my mom nagged me for years asking me why I seemed to take so much more time to finish things. and hey, I finally have an answer! good old executive dysfunction, which I now realize has been ruling my life since middle school. not only has it always been a pain in the ass for schoolwork (my brain does NOT register things as urgent until the last moment, at which point I can finally focus and do it all in one sitting, but this was not especially practical in my last couple years of HS), but god, it’s been taking away things I love for years. I have to beg myself to start art or writing or music, I have to rely on hyperfocus to actually be able to finish video games, and almost nothing I read can hold my attention anymore. it sucks. it really sucks. I feel trapped in my head all the time.

just. now I’m living alone but I’m too anxious to seek a diagnosis, even though a counselor here told me that I did in fact score really high for anxiety and depression on screenings, because my nerves have gotten so bad that I’m terrified of the idea of wasting someone’s time and making a fool of myself. I’m even more anxious about the prospect of seeking an ADHD diagnosis, because I graduated high school as the goddamn Salutatorian and STILL do honors courses here. I feel like I’m going to get berated (or worse, accused of trying to get a diagnosis to abuse the meds), and that’s so terrifying to me. but I’m even more terrified by the fact that I just feel like it’s only a matter of time before I crash and burn, and that people are only going to be willing to help once I’ve lost my scholarships and wasted a fuck ton of money.

I dunno. I’m just sitting here super pissed about the fact that my family never gave enough of a shit to get me help and now I feel trapped in my head lol

[floralmarsupial]

what do you think daves' musical sound would be like, especially in a hs au setting? who do you think inspired him the most?

OOOoooooOOOOoo so for people interested in more musical hdcs for homestuck characters (esp in hs au) check out my music tag cause it goes pretty indepth into a few diff individual characters (esp Dave) 

But as far as what HIS sound would be I think it would definitely be edging on stuff very reminiscent of Lemon Demon/Neil Cicierega, with lots of clever editing of pre-existing songs or movie clips (either cause he likes them or to make fun of them) sampling off of viral videos and making anybody who comes over to his house get involved in what he’s making at the moment. I love the idea of Dave also making these unbelievably monotone raps about dumb shit that makes literally no sense. 

Dave making like songs that are over ten minutes long only for him to abandon them is so canon btw goddamn.

Other inspirations I think would be Zion I Mind Over Matter album, as like a very informative thing to young Dave (something he could stim and hyperfocus on for hours as a kid). Other inspos probably come from any of the weirdo shit he would get off soundcloud or from digging too deep into the youtube archives or going into crusty music shops and buying random cassette tapes cause they’re cheap and shitty.

All I know is that when it comes to Dave I will always use “innovative” as my first word choice, “disorienting” coming in second