#however. I have been burned out this semester and kind of dying mentally and im still like. Fine

[elytrafemme]

within the last 30 minutes i have learned such substantial information from one email and so basically i might be doing the equivalent of 21 credits (or. More. honestly) next semester BUT not technically 21 credits and also i would be getting paid money. but i would be doing three research projects at once on top of classes. This is fine

[modvalleyrandom]

I almost died.

This is a long one, but I was in an accident on Christmas and I haven’t really talked about it to anyone at all, but I’m up late/early and might as well write. 

This last Christmas was very different from those I experienced in my past. It was the first Christmas where I didn’t wake up in one of my parent’s houses. Instead I woke up in an empty four-bedroom rental that had been vacated by my roommates the moment winter break had started. I happened to live close enough to my home town that I could drive roughly half an hour to see my family whenever I wanted, so there was no real point in moving out for winter break.

My alarm had started going off, but I had already been awake for ten minutes. I had a hard time sleeping the night before because I don’t particularly enjoy the holidays. I’m always forced by my mom to go see my dad and his side of the family. I always feel like an outsider with them so I tend to try to avoid seeing them as much as possible. The conversation always turns political, and I don’t exactly agree with them. They are aware of this, and attack me for my opinions and I don’t care for that. The only person I look forward to seeing when I go would be my grandpa. However, the mental debate going through my head was whether seeing my grandpa was even worth me getting out of bed and dealing with the rest of that side of my family.

I didn’t even really want to leave my bed. The past semester had drained me; I had failed a class, I was in a toxic non-relationship with a girl who said she cared, but acted like I didn’t exist, and I was struggling with a lot of depression. So, I just wanted to lay in bed and wallow in self-pity. That sounded much better than dealing with anything else. After about half an hour I managed to convince myself that seeing my grandpa would be worth it and got to go to Christmas Breakfast with my dad’s side of the family. After all, they would be happy to see me, even if I wasn’t particularly excited to see them. I grabbed the keys to my car and proceeded to try to put myself in a good mood.

I took the back roads to get to the freeway. I had decided it would be a bit faster and I didn’t want to waste any more time because I was already running late. The view on the backroads was also really nice because it had just stopped raining and everything looked so alive for once. I had gotten used to the dried out grass and dead trees caused by the drought. I got caught at a light just before the 99 Northbound On ramp and decided it would be a good idea to put on some music that put me in a better mood. I don’t remember the song I chose, I just remember choosing to listen to Blink-182. The light changed to green and I started to accelerate. When I started to make the right turn onto the on ramp, the back tires of the car gave out. I was spinning out on top of an overpass and froze. I remember telling myself not to panic, to pump the breaks and to try to regain traction, and to not try to correct myself. I don’t remember how many times I spun, but I do remember realizing the momentum was going to carry me off the side of the on-ramp. I also remember slowing down enough to correct myself, so I did. I managed to straighten myself out, and successfully got the car to stop spinning. However, the momentum from the turn carried me off the edge of the on-ramp.

While this was happening, I had a very short moment of relief thinking I would just sink into the wet earth on the side of the on ramp. However, I hit a trench. This caused the car to begin flipping. I remember thinking at that exact moment that this was how I was going to die. I remember keeping my eyes open until I heard the driver’s side begin to crunch under the impact of rolling over, then my eyes shut as I was slammed into the side of the door. I felt blood all over me, but wasn’t sure if it was from my neck or my head. The car flipped two more times before coming to a stop and I opened my eyes. I looked around and realized I was still alive, but I needed to leave the car. I tried to open the door, but it didn’t move. I looked around for my phone because I knew I needed help, but I didn’t know if I was going to stay conscious. My phone was on the floor just out of my reach. I crawled out of the wreck and stumbled to the driver’s side of the car, reached in and managed to grab my phone. I was really disoriented and used the voice command to call my mom. While doing this I was also trying to walk up the side of the on-ramp, but I collapsed about half way up. I remember trying to get up, but a stranger rushed to my side and told me to stop moving. My mom picked up the phone and I could hear her voice, I told her where I was and that I needed help. I think the stranger grabbed my phone and explained the situation to her as well. At this point I was in too much shock to do anything other than lay on the ground, stare at the sky, and hope that I got to see the next day.

It’s been about three months since that accident happened. I came out of it with gash on my head, and a four-inch seat belt burn on my neck. I didn’t know it at the time, but that accident was something I needed to start over. The idea of dying and leaving behind unfinished business inspired me to get my shit done. To stop wishing I was dead and instead be thankful that I have the opportunity to do something. It has also gotten me to stop stressing over trivial things. I feel kind of like the main character in Office Space. Im just relaxed and handling whatever life throws at me so far this year. If I can keep this up Ill be done with school and teaching English in Fall 2019. I can’t wait to get there.