#howdy being a criminal just in general is something great to think about

[himboextraordinaire]

MORE SHIVA CONTENT GRAAUAGAGAHU

thank you for @moenmomentsthemoe-en​ for helping me brainstorm how the neighbourhood would react to an ex-convict showing up!! here’s a silly half-shitpost/half-unironic comic for an au with my WH oc/sona/abomination, shiva :0) you can find the ref i made for him as a joke here <– the premise for this crackfic of an AU is that shiva’s been released from puppet jail and is now trying to re-integrate to the neighbourhood (much to certain people’s chagrin) with the help of his ex partner-in-crime, howdy pillar…

it’d be fun to do a short story based on this as i’ve got lots of lore and ideas as to how different neighbours would react but i wanna gauge how you guys feel first :0)

[girldong]

Howdy! Im working on a paper about systems of morality in TTRPGs. Think like DnDs alignment grid or FIST and the mercenaries. Like different explicit or implied ethical systems. Anyway, im looking for games to read. Please rec some games. Thank you stay frosty

AHHHH ty ok ok

as for systems:

LANCER, ICON, Heaven's on Fire, FIST, Blades in the Dark, Beam Saber, Armor Astir, Mork Borg/Cy_Borg, Mothership (lot of things im forgetting here also)

lots of words under the cut:

Blades in the Dark is a great one to look at for a game that more or less as its baseline conceit has players play """bad""" people who will be breaking the law

i find how it does this more interesting than the usual cyberpunk/shadowrun type stuff, as it is less of a power/heist fantasy like those and more actually interested in operating as a criminal in an environment that will react accordingly to how you conduct yourself (rival gangs, killing random people or wanton destruction generates a lot of heat, etc) as well as rewarding playing to character tropes

I also don't think they're very good games, but looking at the old 90s editions of Vampire the Masquerade is worthwhile on this subject, because they're obsessed with ideas of counterculture and playing "evil" characters in a way that is very emblematic of the shitty edgy stuff in the late 90s/early 00s tabletop scene

in general most modern stuff has actually ditched alignment and gone for something i find far more interesting- rewarding characters roleplaying in a certain way based on their class/archetype

and of course D&D and all the Gygax-isms are very colonial in nature because they're fundamentally not interested in the sort of reactivity that I've mentioned above, there's no GM tools for that. They're written like "go into the EVIL RACE'S spooky dungeon, kill them, and take their treasure." Baldur's Gate 3 can get away with being D&D (well. mostly) because it's a curated prewritten experience and was written with that "reactivity".

D&D offers no tools in its vanilla text for the GM to make the players feel in a real world with depth and consequences, and even goes as far as to keep the fucked up black and white morality of "evil" races and every other prickly trope. Of course WOTC knows this and tries to backpedal on it, but still just like. Keeps the black and white morality of the old editions.

[jae-daddy]

Red Rose (2)

Jaebum mafia au 

one / three / four

pairing: Jaebum x Reader  genre: mafia!au, romance, drama, angst, mature plot: your high school sweetheart, Im Jaebum, is the most feared criminal and you’re his one true love a/n: at this point, this is basically mafia crack - i’ll write another one that is all dangerous this one is wack right now lmao. Also in my opinion guns should never ever be used. i know this treats gun use lightly but it does not show my opinion or my views - gun use should be banned everywhere. i can go on a whole rant but i wont unless y’all want to hear it <3 but i hope y’all will enjoy this  not edit

Your palm pressed against his, as you lay your head on his shoulder. His hand wrapped around yours, the other held on your waist, as his cheek fell on your head. You softly swayed with the music playing from the boombox settled on his desk at the corner of his room.

“You look beautiful tonight,” Jaebum moved back, looking into your eyes. You let out a quiet snort at him for being so adorable.

“Sure, I do, Jaebum,” you rolled your eyes.

You had missed your ball in highschool, so here was your boyfriend making up for it in his room. You were in your yellow duck pjs, and Jaebum in a sweatshirt and pjs pants covered with Bart Simpson’s face.

“I mean it,” he kissed your forehead, and as you stared into his eyes you believed him.

Everything was magicial and beautiful. Nothing could compare to this, especially not a high school ball.

“Table number 5,” Randy woke you up from the memory you had lost yourself in.

You instantly moved walking towards the table as you pulled out your notebook and pen from your apron. You froze when you saw the group infront of you, but you pretended to keep your cool.

Jaebum wasn’t here with them, but it was the rest of the boys. They had been coming here a lot after that night. 

You don’t think Jaebum had recognised you, he ate the food, left a generous tip and walked out. He didn’t come to the diner again, but the others did. 

And they came very often. Atleast, once every two days.

“Hey, welcome back,” you cringed, but ignored it as you carried on. “What can I get y’all today?”

“Oh, howdy partner,” the pretty boy with the juicy lips said, as the others groaned in displeasure. He chuckled happily at the reaction before continuing, “I’ll have the waffles again, with two scoops of icecream and extra sauce.”  

“No problem,” you smiled, and took the orders for the rest of the group.

Your heart settled slightly as you placed their food in front of them. Jaebum was not coming again today. That made you feel relieved, but made your gut twist and heart sink all at once.

Even though he didn’t recognise you, it was nice seeing him again. It felt nice to be in his presence once again, even though things were not as they used to be.

Something about Jaebum had dulled down. Something heavy walked with him, step after step, it weighed him down. It darkened the world around him. 

Even his group of friends lessened their horsing around when he sat with them.

Something about him had changed and it broke your heart seeing him like that.

In the hour that he was here at the diner a week ago, he hadn’t laughed once. Even when his whole group was laughing and joking, he didn’t participate. Only commenting once or twice. and one rare smile that didn’t shine as bright as before. He wasn’t the Jaebum who held you in his private ball, and danced to old love songs with you.

He was someone else.

But it didn’t matter. You wanted to see him again, be around him once again. Just be in the same room, and breathe the same air as him. You missed him, and even this Jaebum was enough to warm your heart for the smallest moment.

The sky had gotten darker over your shift today. You looked at the old watch on your wrist and saw it was nearly midnight. You walked to the back, and told Randy you’ll finish after checking out table 5.

“Yeah alright, just bring the dishes in too,” he said, lost in the game of numbers as he started at his accounts book.

You nodded, even though he wouldn’t see it, and walked off. You waited twenty minutes, before the group finished.

“Was the food okay?” You asked, as you placed the check on the table.

“It was great,” one of them said pulling out his card.

“My shake wasn’t sweet enough,” the tall one, Yugyeom, said smiling sweetly.

“Yugyeom!” The one holding the card growled at him. And that’s how you knew his name. Every night Yugyeom would say something, and every night the card bearer would scrowl at him.

“You should try the double chocolate next time.” You smiled, as you took the card to the cashier.

The boys left within ten minutes, and twenty minutes later you finally left work.

Your sigh left you as a puff of white smoke, as you put on your gloves and exited from the back door into the alleyway. 

Jaebum hadn’t come today, again. You felt your heart sink, but you brushed it off.

There was no point dwelling on something that out of your control. All it did was give you sleepless nights filled with worry and a thousand scenarios of reunion of how you and Jaebum will get back together.

You shook your head, as another image of Jaebum walking into the diner missing you by a second entered your mind. He walks over to the counter, looking down at a shocked Randy.

“Where is she? Where is y/n?” Jaebum askes with agony and hope heavy in his voice. His eyes look around the diner with desperation, then back at Randy. 

Randy is taken aback by the tears shining in Jaebum’s eyes, as he tells him; “she just left.”

Jaebum curses under his breath as he rushes out the door, and runs to find you. He sees your shadow further down the road, at the crossing. The lights for the crossing turns green and you start walking.

“Y/n!” Jaebum yells. You turn around, and you freeze. Jaebum remains in his place and the traffic moves around us. His breath racing as he looks at you unable to look away. Finally, he had found you.

You’re standing there shocked; your chest heaving and your cheeks and nose painted rosy.

OMG

And its snowing!

Omg brilliant. 

And then a truck comes your way-

“Okay, stop.” You told yourself, sternly.  You closed your eyes embarrased by yourself. “What the fuck are you thinking?” “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING FUCKER?” Your eyes widened as you jumped in your place.

“What-” you whispered, holding your hands at your heart. You removed your beanie from over your ear, and stuck your head out to the left to hear better.

“You really think Marco will let you fuckers live after what you did?” You gasped as you couldn’t believe your ears.

“Omg, real gangsters.” You murmured suprised. You had never seen one, only in movies and tv shows. But they still sounded scary as they you thought they would.

Some guys laughed at that comment, and it was silent for a moment.

You wanted to take a peak around the corner and see what was going on, but you knew better.

“I do know better, right?” You bit your lip tempted. You wanted to look, just a small peak. They wouldn’t even notice you were there. You could get real close to the wall and crouch on the floor so- “No, I know better.”

You shook your head and started walking before you did something stupid.

“Yeah?” Someone chuckled making you freeze, you knew that voice. “Well, goodluck telling Marco what happened here today, fucker.”

It was Yugyeom.

You turned on your heels, walking close to the wall. You took a deep breath, and looked over the corner, and your jaw dropped.

There were about five guys on charging towards Yugyeom.

Yugyeom pulls out a gun, shoots two in their legs and is about to shoot another when gun is wacked from his hands as a punch lands on his stomach. The gun lands a few feet away from you. 

You cover your mouth to hold in the terrified gasp that was left you. The scene was straight from a movie.

Yugeyom smashed his head into the guy who had punched his stomach making him stumble back. He grabbed another one by their neck, kicking another in his balls and then knocking him out with a kick once he fell on his knees.

He twisted his arm loosening his grip, making the guy with the neck grip turn around. He pulls his back towards him, and wraps his arms around his throat. Yugyeom chokes the guy as he struggles for air, soon sliding down and Yugyeom lets him go.

The guy with the broken nose charges again, but Yugyeom right hooks before jumping and karate kicking his face. He falls to the ground, and in a matter of seconds Yugyeom has defeated five guys who were bigger than him.

You were impressed and terrified all at once. Your whole body was shaking with adrenaline as you took the scene in front of you.

This was the guy who wanted sweeter milkshake, and would laugh and smile so innocently. But this was also the guy, wiping the blood from the corner of his lips, his black shirt tore open from missing buttons revealing his chest.

Yugyeom chuckled cockily turning towards the guy who you thought was the boss because thats it goes. The minions fight and the boss sits back and watches, and then he steps in.

Before Yugyeom could turn to face him; the boss had jumped from the car infront of Yugyeom. He elbowed Yugyeom making him fall to the ground. He pulled out his gun and pointed it at Yugyeom’s head.

Yugyeom chuckled, still being a cocky little shit.

The boss slammed the gun onto Yugyeom’s face making you wince as a cut formed on his forehead.

You couldn’t think properly. Yugyeom’s arms fell weakly by his side, as he looked up and closed his eyes. He opened them slowly staring down the barrel of the gun.

Had he given up?

The boss smirked down at Yugyeom.

“Sad that you can’t give this message to your boss yourself,” he sneered at Yugyeom, leaning in closer before standing tall over him. You started moving, your body having no control of your movements.

“But your dead body would do the trick.”

He unlocked the gun, and in a second, you picked up Yugyeom’s gun, unlocked it and shot it in their direction.

The silencer must have come off, because a loud bang made your ears ring. You dropped the gun, covering your ears.

You managed to regain some of your senses and looked towards Yugyeom.

His eyes closed tightly, and he didn’t move. You heart shrivelled in your chest as your blood ran cold.

Your ears rang loudly, as you fell to the floor. You gasped for air but nothing came into your lung. 

You stared at Yugyeom, as he remained still; not moving.

You couldn’t do it. You couldn’t save him.

And then red fell on his face; little splatters and then bigger blobs.

Yugyeom opened one eye, peaking at the sight in front of him.

Both of your eyes widened as your jaws fell wide open. The boss in his black coat fell to the cold damp ground as red seeped out from him.

Yugyeom’s eyes met yours, and they widened even further.

You took in a deep breath, gasping once more. This time the frosty air filled your lungs. It burned your dry throat, and cooled your lungs as you collapsed on to the palms on your hand. Your knees bent, the grainy street digging into your leggings as you closed your eyes.

“Are you okay?” You called out, gulping.

Yugyeom didn’t answer. He stared at you for a moment before opening his mouth. But he couldn’t say anything, before he could another voice boomed from behind you.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”

You turned around only to be blinded by the bright light. You covered your eyes as your eyes adjusted to the light. You could make out four figures against the harsh lights.

“Where is your silencer, Yugyeom? Get up the cops will be here soon.” The same voice said, and this time you could tell who it was.

“We have a bigger problem,” Yugyeom got up and began walking towards you. “It wasn’t me.”

“Really? Who was it then?” The guy who always snapped at Yugyeom snapped once again.

“it was her,” Yugyeom pointed at you, as he stood a few inches away from you.

“The waitress?!” Someone gasped. “The hell?”

You looked up at the boys who surrounded you, and then at the body laying unmoving and blood spilling out from him. You left bile come up, as you turned to the side and vomitted.

You looked up one last time to see Jaebum stare at you in shock, and then darkness fell over you.

[kirythestitchwitch]

Klaroline Fic Rec Event 2020 - Day 2: Human!AU

Title: Wherewith to Sate Its Malice

Author: @cbk1000 / cbk1000

Summary: It is the Autumn of Terror. Consulting detective Caroline Forbes must join forces with the world's most dangerous criminal to solve her most challenging case yet. Caroline as Sherlock; Klaus as Moriarty. The Sherlock AU tumblr peer pressured me into writing.

Warnings: Drug use mentions, historically accurate and vivid descriptions of Jack the Ripper's victims, an abundance of hidden guns, mentions of homophobia, Kol the innuendo machine, Klaus murders people out of pique, smut, organs in jars, i think maybe the boys torture someone off screen

Status: Complete

Why you should read it: OKAY JUST WAIT. I know i literally just picked one of Jenn's stories for yesterday and I have been sweating over this decision all goddamn day but I Have Reasons.

I'll lay it on the line okay: I am monsterfucker trash and im not in a vampire fandom for some barista stories. If you are, kudos to u for liking a thing, u enjoy that thing and i will support you!!! But Human!AU is like 95% miss for me. The general lack of murder gives me hives.

HOWEVER. One day Jenn was like "I love Holmes and that Jack the Ripper shit was great in my last fic, I wonder if i should combine them," or something idk it was a hot minute ago, and then like, all of us peer pressured her into writing it. I personally begged shamelessly for it, and for more Tim/Kol. She gave me both. So like, I am very personally attached to this fic to start, but then she wrote it and it was even better.

Caroline as Holmes is incredible. She is smart ofc, and snarky, and still manages to sound like herself despite it being 1888. I absolutely believe this boss ass bitch with a smooshy heart is the world's best detective. Kol as Watson is delightful. He has gleefully taken over the opium use portion of the pair, along with lounging around on furniture and hitting on pretty boys. Enzo and Tim O'Sullivan round out the Baker's Street Irregulars with research, disguises (more cross dressing), and cheerfully trying to murder anyone that breathes on Caroline. More on that later.

Klaus as Moriarty is a balm to my soul. He is criminal mastermind nutjob, a psychopath, ruthless as hell, and generally as terrible at family dinners as ever. Literally no one is more impressed with themselves than Klaus and he genuinely believes you should be too, or else. During their disastrous first meeting, Caroline puts his balls in a vice and he's like "Is this flirting?" and then proceeds to send her coded love messages while trying to murder her. Kol being Klaus' brother and her best friend only adds to the spice of their clashes and he is always, always on her side, often with knives.

Okay so, about that breathing on Caroline thing. When Klaus falls in love, as he inevitably does, it is intense, and weird, and prone to stalking. Manipulating himself into Caroline's life and investigations is just the start, and boy howdy does he end up with guns in his face for that. Enzo is absolutely not amused at this schmuck rat bastard sniffing around Caroline's skirts. But there may also be only one bed on a stakeout.

As always, please give the Tim/Kol subplot a try since my Intense Gay Yearning whined so pathetically for it. They are happy queer murder lads just out for a gay ol' time and absolutely will kneecap a motherfucker for kicks! Rebekah's several dead (possibly poisoned) husbands are absolutely not having a good time, but Katherine, the madame she's enjoying her nights with, certainly is. Elijah would just like his family to chill tf out for like two seconds and maybe sit for tea.

There's also like, the whole entire fucking Jack the Ripper murder mystery plot supported with accurate newspaper clippings and police reports bc Jenn just balls that hard for authenticity. It's great, and creepy, and as always there are pickled organs and graphic descriptions of entrails!

Anyways this entire cast could (and would) murder me and I'd be grateful for the experience. You have not enjoyed a Holmes!AU until you've read this one and Caroline has dragged you around London along with her homicidal posse of lovestruck idiots. Please read this fic.

Thanks again @klaroline-events ! I said i would be late, I know I'm bad at this!

Runner's Up! Somebody That I Used To Know by @thetourguidebarbie : Klaus the mafia kingpin is accused of a murder he actually didn't commit and he crawls right to his ex gf Caroline's door for help in clearing his name. Caroline miiight just let the dog eat him. Tragically unfinished but delightful!

Dirty Little Secret by @she-walked-away : okay but in my defense the smut is just that damn good. Secret high school closet fucking between head cheerleader Caroline and art nerd Klaus? Longing looks across the cafeteria? Emotional rule breaking and Bad Decisions? Yes please!

Literally anything AH mafia related by @cupcakemolotov : She knows what she did and it was a direct hit against me and me specifically.

[moonvalecrossing]

Now here's something I haven't asked you in a long time: a "Fav and Least Fav" ask related to Pokémon. Favorite and least favorite Gym Leaders of each type they specialize in? Kahunas and Trial Captains will count, but if one ends up as your fav/least fav, I'd suggest separating them and the actual Gym Leader that's your fav/least fav of their type. Also, Bede and Marnie's statuses as Gym Leaders will count too, mostly just so Piers can have some competition with his sis. :P

Alrighty. Time to sit down and tackle this!

Normal Type- Least Favorite: Whitney. WHITNEY. That damn Milktank. I’m sure she’s killed many a Nuzlocke team. And yet still has the gall to cry like a baby when she loses. She also comes across as one of those vapid dumb and pretty trend girls. “Everyone was into pokemon so I got into it too!” I really think skill is the only thing they care about when they hand out the title of Gym Leader sometime because this chick really doesn’t seem to be the type who’d normally get this type of authority.

Normal Type- Most Favorite: Cheren. He is adorable baby husband. Though mostly it’s really cool to see another rival become a gym leader like Green did. I just wish they’d kept his glasses instead of for some reason swapping them to Bianca for some reason.

Fighting Type- Least Favorite: Korrina. Her character art bugs me. Is she seriously supposed to be wearing skates and also doing fighting moves? I can’t even stand on four wheel skates without nearly breaking every bone below my waist. And you’re telling me this girl runs around doing axe kicks on roller blades??? No thank you. Also she hoists a Lucario onto you. I like raising my pokemon from their earliest point and you go and make me have to take one because I’d feel bad if I didn’t since it wants to come with me now.

Fighting Type- Most Favorite: Brawly. Mostly because he’s hot. Slightly because his gym is actually a gym with workout equipment in the remake and I find that amazing and hilarious.

Flying Type- Least Favorite: Skyla. Partially because of her anime counterpart. Mostly because I hate her design. Why are her wrists so thick on those gloves? Why is she wearing boots, a cropped jacket, those weird gloves, and what look closer to boxer style panties than shorts underneath a bunch of bondage-y belts? She looks like a generic anime waifu more than a pokemon character. Like a Mega Man OC. Of one of those weird dating games where the women are just objects in female coded human form Skyla’s a humanized seatbelt.

Flying Type- Most Favorite: Falkner. Because Kahili isn’t a gym leader. Congrats, Falkner. You cute little bugger. Also he’s the only notable male flying type trainer.

Poison Type- Least Favorite: Prepare the flame shields. I don’t like Roxie. Small children as Gym Leaders bug the hell out of me. I see Gym Leaders as characters with high authority in the pokemon world. I hate the idea of kids who look like they’re only a few years out from learning the alphabet and basic mathematics having any kind of power in a region. The only exception I have is Galar because the gym leaders feel less important since they’re merely sports celebrities. ...Also I hate Roxie’s Pebbles Flintstone hair. It makes her look even more like a baby to me.

Poison Type- Most Favorite: Koga. Despite the fact I still think that he and Sabrina had their gyms switched, he’s still my favorite. He even became a member of the Elite 4 and left the gym to his daughter. I find that sweet.

Ground Type- Least Favorite: (Actually Hapu, because of reasons stated above for Roxie, except even more because this kid is a freaking KAHUNA. Why is this little mud farm girl chosen to be the KAHUNA of a whole dang island and one of the most important people in Alola? Surely the Tapus could find someone better, but then again the gods must be crazy.) Clay. Because he looks like a Texan Business Tycoon. And I’m a left-leaning American. That should probably explain things well enough. Because boy howdy do I not wanna open that can of worms. Maybe if I ever get to the point of fighting him in Black Version my opinion will change. But like I said. My real answer is Hapu. Clay just has the misfortune of being next at the bottom of the line.

Ground Type- Most Favorite: Giovanni. Because he is my mafia husbando and I am a garbage human. Have you seen a picture of the man in the “How I became a Pokemon Card” manga? Hot damn. And his newer pokemon cards? HOT DAMN.

Rock Type- Least Favorite: Gordie. This Ronaldo Fryman looking fucknugget with accessory tips from Bling Bling Boy on Johnny Test. He looks like one of those smug basement dweller types who’d call me a FEEEEEMALE if I turned him down for a date. Also his official art does the same thing I hate about Diantha’s. His knee faces more inner-forward but his foot’s pointing outward. Unless that picture’s drawn with him in mid dance spin, dude’s ankle is broken. At least he looks kind of cute when he doesn’t have his hair styled back in that douchey style. I feel like he’d yell about feemales again if I told him I thought his mom was hot. Also he’s not wearing socks with dress shoes and that should be a criminal offense.

Rock Type- Most Favorite: Roxanne is super cute. Even if she’s skirting the line of young people in positions of power she actually looks like a mature person who was ahead of her age level in school. However I will object to the idea of her being a teacher in any shape or form like in the anime. This person hasn’t even struggled through the mental ravages of puberty aint no way she should be allowed to be a teacher.

Bug Type- Least Favorite: Burgh, if only because people use him as a stereotype a lot and I hate that. Toxic masculinity is bs. MEN CAN BE FABULOUS WITHOUT BEING GAY. That said, his pants and shoes are a color crime.

Bug Type- Most Favorite: Guzma is the equivalent of a Bug Type trial captain and you will never convince me otherwise. I- what- you’re really gonna fight me on this? Fine. Bugsy. Bugsy is my precious bug-catching child. Precious baby.

Ghost Type- Least Favorite: Acerola. I’ve already stated why I hate kids in power like this. Plus I just. do not like. characters with the bubbly personality and the cat mouth. I instantly know I’m going to dislike a character the moment I see that damn catmouth. I’m not coming up with a non-trial alternative for this one. I am either neutral to or love the other ghost trainers.

Ghost Type- Most Favorite: Morty. Because 1. He’s hot. 2. He’s got a sweet scarf. 3. Agatha’s not a gym leader. :P Morty has a very nice design. After the remakes came out anyways.

Steel Type- Least Favorite: There’s only like two of these. I don’t hate Jasmine at all but she’s the only other actual gym leader of the Steel Type. So we’re gonna use Molayne anyways. Mostly because his stick-ass gangly legs give me the creeps.

Steel Type- Most Favorite: I’ve never met him but Byron looks like a miner hobo and I dig that. Plus he made Roark and Roark’s hot. (Then why isn’t Roark my favorite rock gym leader? Because not all my favorites can be because of my asexual thirst.)

Fire Type- Least Favorite: Blaine always makes me think of my grandfather and I am not that fond of my grandfather. Even though Blaine seems much much nicer and friendlier a grandpa than my actual grandfather.

Fire Type- Most Favorite: Flannery’s design is adorable and I love it. Doesn’t hurt that it’s also the kind of outfit my more pro-fire trainer would wear.

Water Type- Least Favorite: Marlon. Don’t get me wrong. Marlon’s hot. But he gets to be least favorite for lying about being a tan boy. Seriously look at that tan line around his swim suit that pastey white skin does not do his design favors.

Water Type- Most Favorite: Wallace. This one is pure thirst. Pure. Thirst. Wallace is a babe. I love everything about this fabulous bastard. Especially his hat and scarf in the remake. Especially the remake. Babe.

Grass Type- Least Favorite: Milo. I’m starting to feel like the people who design and did the art for some of these newer characters don’t know how bulkier people’s legs work. Because Milo and Gordie’s legs just look really, really wrong. These characters do not have ankles their calves just end at flat feet. Also milo’s leg is doin that broken ankle thing too. Other images don’t make them look as bad, though. Other than that I hate characters who have no whites to their eyes. It’s freaking creepy and Milo’s baby face doesn’t help. And I can not figure out the design of this guy’s eyebrows either. I know he has them but they don’t look like the anything but exist to blend with his bangs.

Grass Type- Most Favorite: Erika. I like her design a lot. I guess some of the weeb in me still exists deep in there.

Electric Type- Least Favorite: Sophocles. I just don’t like his design. At all. Only other arguments I could give are the kid with with Clemont again. That and his jumpsuit.

Electric Type- Most Favorite: Lt. Surge, Volkner, and Elesa are are great. But Elesa wins because Lt. Surge is a paranoid soldier who makes getting to him a chore and Volkner looks like he takes the same brooding pills they fed to Cloud after Final Fantasy Advent Children turned into into the broodlord. Also ‘urgh need actually challenging opponents’ characters bug me, regardless of how attractive they are.

Psychic Type- Least Favorite: Tate and Liza. But this time the main reason ISN’T because they’re babies. No, no. That’s a big reason, but even being psychics can’t save them. They have a BIG problem. The main reason for these two is that their gym team is garbage. Emerald and Black2/White2 not counting in this because of the remake being their current gym team in my eyes its just a damn solrock and lunatone! I love me Lunatone, don’t get me wrong. But damn, kids. How are you actually gym leaders with a team of pokemon that is barely suitable for the gym trainer in the first gym of the region? The only starter that can’t hit you with a super effective move is the fire starter. Being a double battle only means that I can get rid of your pokemon faster because I get to use TWO pokemon moves on my turn.

Psychic Type- Most Favorite: Olympia. Her design is absolutely beautiful. I want her dress. I want her cape. She is the black and silver space queen and she WILL BE RESPECTED IN THIS HOUSE. Even if whoever did her art doesn’t seem to realize dresses don’t slip into the navel or hug into the crotch hole. Surprised whoever drew it didn’t also add the camel-toe since they think fabric works that way. If I were her I’d strangle someone with one of those magical floaty ring bracelets. Space mom aint having non of your objectification shit.

Ice Type- Least Favorite: Candice. You live in a winter town. Your gym is an ice slide hell. Put on some goddamn pants and a coat. I’m not gonna give you any sympathy when you end up with the worst cold ever.

Ice Type- Most Favorite: Melony. She is adorable and has actual weight to her. And she loves her kids. And holy shit look at her she’s actually dressed for cold weather and ice unlike nearly every other goddamn Ice Gym Leader besides Pryce.

Dragon Type- Least Favorite: Claire is an arrogant b-witch who cant accept defeat and is worst that whitney because at least Whitney gave you your earned badge when she stopped crying like a baby. Claire refused until you did some ‘trial’ and still didn’t think she’d have to give you the badge until granddad dragon master told her to stop being a child. Also she gets more least favorite points because she’s what has prevented me from talking about how much I hate Iris here. That’s right, Claire. I dislike you so much you get MORE hate points because you prevent me from hating another character more than you.

Dragon Type- Most Favorite: Raihan is a babe and the most challenging Gym Leader I’ve ever faced. Bonus points because technically I wouldn’t call him a type-based gym leader but a strategy based leader because he focuses on weather more than dragons. Plus his “Leader Challenges You!” post makes him look a little wild.

Dark Type- Least Favorite: Marnie. Because I wanted to see her brother again so I invited him to the Championship thing and Marnie freaking cockblocked me by beating her brother in the first round. LET ME SEE YOUR BROTHER, MARNIE.

Dark Type- Most Favorite: Piers is my husband and Marnie’s just gonna have to deal with it. :P He’s super cute and his worrying over Marnie in the post game was the cutest damn thing. Plus young Piers in his rare league card is so precious and gives me life. It’s gonna take a lot of work for any other dark type trainer to top Piers.

Fairy Type- Least Favorite: Mina. I hate Mina. Lazy/Unfocused/High artist characters piss me off. Alo Mina should have been a normal type trial captain because of smeargle and the fact that Ilima has pink hair and the same huge buggy-like water eyes Valerie has. Mina even dips her damn hair in paint like Smeargle does with its tail. Mina couldn’t be assed to have an actual trial the first time around. Second time around she just made you go collect something from people you already beat.

Fairy Type- Most Favorite: Bede. If you can’t look this beautiful sparkly eye angel of a child in the eyes and find him amazing once he becomes Opal’s apprentice, you have no soul and should probably get that looked at.

[still-heta-trash]

What Hetalia Means to Me

Howdy folks, Lady here.

Hetalia was the first fandom I was actively in and the fifth or sixth anime I'd ever watched and from the very first episode I knew it would consume my life for a very long time.

Suddenly, it was my everything.

My room at the time had several posters and scrolls adorning the walls but I had two very large ones that combined would've taken up a whole one: The Great Wave of Kanagawa and that god damned Paint it, White! poster I bought at my first Comic Con for a criminal price, but to me it had been completely worth every cent. I did so many things to earn good girl points to get my parents to take me to Hot Topic to buy more Hetalia shirts than I really needed (and most of those I still have!) I had a Hetalia wallet (it's pretty busted now and I'm saddened to say they stopped making them) and had even worked on my own casual cosplays. Needless to say, I was very heavily invested.

While it most certainly made an impact on my wallet, Hetalia affected my life in many other ways as well. Drawing fanart and even creating my own Nyo! America AU ask blog (if I remember correctly she was a fallen angel, and although my art was absolute crap at the time she'd gotten pretty popular) led me to discover art, which was something I had zero interest prior to and is now a big part of my life. Writing self insert Hetalia fics pushed me to get better and better at writing and has led me to realize my passion and dream to become a publisher author. It gave me drive when I had none.

But the biggest way Hetalia impacted me was definitely socially.

I had a really, really, really difficult time maintaining let alone gaining friends. Still do, to be honest, but I made so many friends throughout the years because of Hetalia.

The people I want to talk about most are Ton and Tay.

I was a new student at a school in a different area than what I was used to and living with my mom and her new boyfriend and his son (neither of which I really got along with) and was really nervous. I had given up all of the few friends I had had for years at my old school and was so scared that I would be alone for the rest of the school year.

Then Ton, who was basically class representative, took me on a tour of the school.

"Hey, um, I don't know if you knew this, but that's a Soul Eater necklace you're wearing. Would you by chance be an anime fan?"

You bet your ass my face widened in to the biggest grin.

I had confirmed that I was then brought up my all time favorite at the time, which, I really don't think you need me to say again.

And like that we were best friends.

I went over to her house all the time after school and even dated her older sister for a bit (my first lady friend btw, who was also a Hetalia freak) and most of our conversations were centered around the show. Of course, that wasn't all we had in common, but it was a big one.

Skip ahead maybe a month or two in and Bam there's another transfer student. A boy this time. With pale blond hair, soft blue eyes, dark blue rectangular glasses, great with computers, kinda serious but laid back at the same time- yeah we thought he was just really in to Estonia and was playing the part but the closest thing this kid had ever experienced with anime was seeing a DBZ poster in his cousin's room and maaaaybe an episode or two of Pokémon. This dude even had the haircut down and for a while I was convinced he was a mega fan and was just screwing with us, but nope. Was just a really weird coincidence.

And of course, we never left the poor guy alone and only ever referred to Tay by his actual name when in reference to him to other people. Surprisingly he was cool with being called Estonia all the god damned time, especially after we showed him a couple clips of him. As far as I know he never got in to Hetalia, but he thought it was kinda funny how close in nature and appearance they were so he let it slide.

Of course, that didn't mean we didn't annoy the crap out of him in general, but every single time he'd attempted to hang out with another boy in our grade and/or below, he just came back to us after a bit. I think he secretly found us rather endearing but was way too embarrassed to admit it (he was a tad bit "tsundere-ish", as Ton had put it) I mean, as much as he complained about Ton and I, he always made sure to stick around and defend us if someone said anything. Not gonna lie, I had a tiny crush on him. Looking back he most likely had one on me too but at the time I thought he just didn't like me as much as Ton.

So he was our Estonia and Ton and I had decided that I was Lithuania (since I had always worn my hair in a long side braid and looked relatively similar to his Nyo counter part) and she was Latvia because she was ridiculously short and sweet and also because he was the only one left. Unlike poor Tay, we were still Ton and Lady, but we made lot of weird fanfics with the concept.

For the rest of the year this would be my gang. We did pretty much everything together and we'd all helped each other grow academically. We loved each other more than any other non family member any of us had ever known at the time.

Unfortunately after the school year endee we all split up and never heard from each other again.

My mom dumped her boyfriend and I went back to my old school district. Ton lost the password to her Paigeeworld and Wattpad (both of which I was forced to delete because of a rather unpleasant grounding) so after a week or so in to summer. Last time we would ever talk was the second week of school via my mother's phone. As for Estonia...

Ton and I honestly had no clue what happened to him. He was supposed to attend the same school as her, but he just disappeared without a trace. Ton had his address but he wasn't there. He was just... Gone. No note. No final goodbye. Just... nothing. And like that, nearly a year of friendship had vanished with him.

It still saddens me to this day about what happened, but I don't regret a single thing (well, except maybe finding out Tay's email) but I can say I owe it to Hetalia.

Hetalia gave me passion. Hetalia gave me skills. Hetalia gave me friends. That's why even though I hadn't really given it a second thought until recently, it will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you, Hetalia.

You're more than just a silly little webcomic or anime to me.

And thank you, the one who read this stranger's story till the end.

Stay frosty, folks.

[askfreddiemercury]

Yup, I’m doing a Fallout crossover now. This is what ‘freddie the hopeless’ has turned into now too, this is what happens when you like two things too much.

~~~~~

It all started when I was out one day delivering a packet to the stripe, I’d never been there before so I took this sort of long way just so I could marvel at New Vegas from afar like so many others. Little did I know this would cost me my life.

~~~~~

Not long after I took a small yet quick break, I was smacked on the head from behind and taken somewhere I didn’t recognize. Maybe because I was too busy looking at my hands, which have been tied together now. I try and break free, but it doesn’t work.

???: Guess who’s waking up over here?

I hear a voice say in front of me, so I look up to see three men, two look almost the same and one has a checkered coat. Who gets this fancy for a kidnapping?

Man with checkered coat: Time to cash out…

The fancy one says as he puts out his cigar by crushing it under his foot.

???: Will you get it over with?

The guy on his right (my left) says impatiently and the fancy guy just raising a finger to shut him up.

Man with checkered coat: Maybe Kahns kill people without looking them in the face. But I ain't-a fink.

He puts his arm down.

Man with checkered coat: Dig?

He then reached into his coat and pulls out a poker chip, the very thing I was delivering.

Man with checkered coat: You made your last delivery, kid. Sorry, you got twisted up in this scene.

I’m almost tempted to jump up and get back that chip when he puts it away and pulls a very fancy looking pistol out instead.

Man with checkered coat: From where you're kneeling must seem like an 18 carat run of bad luck. Truth is.

He points the gun at me.

Man with checkered coat: The game was rigged from the start.

*BANG*

~~~~~

My vision slowly comes back as I look at a ceiling fan. What happened last night? I can’t seem to remember a thing from before now that I’ve woken up. Oh no.

???: You’re awake. How about that.

I sit up while holding my head, this makes the doctor sit forward and hold on steady.

???: Woah easy there. Easy. You been out cold a couple of days now. Why don’t you relax a second? Get your bearings.

Did this doctor save me? How did he manage to save my life after I was shot in the head? That’s impossible. He then helps me stand up.

???: Okay. No sense keeping you in bed anymore. Let’s see if we can get you on your feet.

Freddie: Thanks, doc..?

Doc Mitchell: Doc Mitchell at your service. Seems you took quite the nasty blow last night, so says the robot that dug you out the ground. It took me a while but I managed to pull out two bullets and a lot of shrapnel out your head there.

Freddie: Did you say two bullets?

Doc Mitchell: It was surprising to me too, especially when I saw that you would make a full recovery. You must be real special.

As if one wasn’t enough for that asshole who kidnapped me he just had to shoot me twice. Looks like it still wasn’t enough. I simply laugh with the doctor.

Freddie: Guess so.

Doc Mitchell: Well, why don’t we start from the top? Follow me, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions. See if your dogs are still barking.

We head into another room and I take a seat on a couch while he takes a seat in another chair just in front of me.

Doc Mitchell: All right, I’m gonna say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind.

Let’s hope I can still think straight or think at all.

~~~~~

After answering many but quick questions, Doc Mitchell gets me set and ready to get on my way to hunt down the man who shot me.

Doc Mitchell: Here. These are yours. Was all you had on you when you was brought in.

He hands me some items and a note.

Doc Mitchell: Hope you don’t mind that I read it, doesn’t say much but it does mention something about a “Platinum Chip.”

The chip!

Freddie: Well, thanks again, Doc, I owe you my life.

We bid each other goodbye and I step outside into the hot weather. The first thing I do once I’m outside is read the note.

*

INSTRUCTIONS

Deliver the package at the north entrance to the Vegas Strip, by way of Freeside. An agent of the recipient will meet you at the checkpoint, take possession of the package, and pay for the delivery. Bring the payment to Johnson Nash at the Mojave Express agency in Primm.

Bonus on completion: 250 caps.

MANIFEST

This package contains:

One (1) Oversized Poker Chip, composed of Platinum

CONTRACT PENALTIES

You are an authorized agent of the Mojave Express Package until delivery is complete and payment has been processed, contractually obligated to complete this transaction and materially responsible for any malfeasance or loss. Failure to deliver the proper recipient may result in forfeiture of your advance and bonus, criminal charges, and/or pursuit by mercenary reclamation teams. The Mojave Express is not responsible for any injury or loss of life you experience as a result of said reclamation efforts.

*

Freddie: Who the hell wanted that thing in the first place? What’s so special about a platinum poker chip? My gut tells me I won’t find out. Oh well.

I put the note away and see a robot rolling around on one wheel, is that the robot Doc Mitchell mentioned digging me out of the ground? Better go and talk to it.

Freddie: Excuse me.

Making my way down the hill towards the robot, he turns to face me, now I was expecting to see a robot without a face. It has one for sure, there’s a cowboy on the screen on the front of its body.

???: Howdy partner! Might I say, you’re looking as fit as a fiddle.

Freddie: Hello. Uh, thanks for digging me out of the ground.

I chuckle nervously.

???: Don’t mention it! I’m always ready to lend a helping hand to a stranger in need.

Freddie: So, what’s your name? I’m Freddie.

Victor: The name’s Victor.

Freddie: I’ve never seen a robot like you before.

Victor: I’m a securitron, RobCo security model 2060-B. If you ever see any of my brothers, tell them Victor says howdy.

RobCo huh. Mmm alright then, seems like something they’d build.

Freddie: Do you know anything about the people that attacked me?

Victor: Can’t say I’m familiar with the rascals. Some of the fine folk in town might be able to help you out with that.

Well, that was useless. I was actually excited about this robot and maybe thought he could help me.

Freddie: Alright Victor, I'll see you some other time.

Victor: Happy trails!

He waves at me and continues to roll around, guess I better start asking around town. Looking around I decided that I’ll stop by the general store first. Please have some good news.

~~~~~

Freddie: Hello?

I say cautiously as I step inside, a man with a beard looks up from the counter with a smile.

Chet: You must be the one Doc Mitchell was patching up. The way I heard it, I didn’t think you’d be walking out of that office. The name’s Chet by the way.

Freddie: It's a miracle alright, I didn’t think I’d be waking up either. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about the people who attacked me, would you?

Chet: The leader was a New Vegas-type, typically city boy. He had a bunch of Great Kahns with him, probably hired guns. The Great Kahns normally stay in their own territory way up northwest, on account of them being enemies with the NCR.

Freddie: What can you tell me about the Great Kahns?

Chet: They’re tough sons of bitches, mean but not crazy - they’ll leave you alone unless you have something they want. They deal in illegal chems. There’s a good chance that most chems you come across are made by them.

Freddie: I doubt I’ll ever use chems but thanks for the info.

He laughs.

Chet: I don’t believe you can run packages across the Mojave just as you are.

I laugh.

Freddie: It’s a gift. Mind telling me how I can get to the strip?

Chet: There are two ways but people like us take the way through Freeside. The other way is used by the NCR in Camp McCarran, I doubt they’ll let anyone but NCR soldiers use it.

I remember the note saying something about Primm. Maybe I should head back to the express and talk about what happened to me and the package.

Freddie: I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.

Chet: You take care now.

Freddie: I’ll certainly will.

I bid the man goodbye and walk back outside the door. I equip my sturdy caravan shotgun and my broad machete.

Freddie: Better make my way to Primm then to Freeside so I can find the man who shot me and get some answers out of him.

[pokemaniacal]

Something that’s been on my mind for a bit that your professional word may be able to help with. Would you happen to know how ethnically diverse the Greek and Roman empires were?

very

next question please

…

…what, you want more?  Oh, fine, but for the record this is not the sort of thing people just “happen to know.”

Okay so I’m assuming by “Greek empire” (remember, kids: there was never a politically autonomous and unified state called “Greece” or “Hellas” until 1822) you mean Alexander’s empire (320s BC) and the Hellenistic successor kingdoms (323 BC – 31 BC), and by “Roman empire” you mean Rome starting from the time it becomes a major interregional power (say, following the second Punic War, which ended in 201 BC) rather than just Rome in the time of the Emperors.  You could spend like most of a book on each of these just corralling the data that might let us answer this question, but whatevs.

Lesson one: the ancient Greeks and Romans did not think about ethnicity in the same way as we do.  In particular, they were not super hung up on the colour of people’s skin – skin colour in ancient art is more often a signifier of gender than race, because women are expected to spend less time outside and therefore have lighter skin (which is another whole thing that we shouldn’t even get into because this is an aristocratic ideal of female beauty and of course lots of Greek and Roman women would have worked outside).  Arguably the most important signifier of ethnicity to the Greeks and Romans was actually language, with everyone who didn’t speak Greek or Latin being a “barbarian” (traditionally this word is supposed to come from the Greeks thinking that all foreign languages sounded like “bar bar bar,” although I’ve also heard a convincing argument that it comes from the Old Persian word for taxpayer, barabara, and originally signified all subjects of the Persian king).

In the modern world we have designations of ethnicity that are super broad and grow in large part out of early and long-since-debunked anthropological theory that divided humanity into three biologically distinct races, Caucasoid, Mongoloid and Negroid, and don’t really reflect a lot of important components of ethnicity.  The thing is, as the internet will happily tell you ad nauseam, race is a social construct.  Like, yes, designations of race describe real physical characteristics that arise from variation within human genetics, but the way we choose to bundle those characteristics is arbitrary, and where we choose to draw the lines is arbitrary (like, for a long time in the US, Greeks and Italians weren’t considered “white,” but today they definitely are, even though nothing changed about their genetics).  If we today were brought face to face with a bunch of ancient Greeks and Romans, we would probably be pretty comfortable with assigning a majority of them to the big pan-European tent of modern “whiteness,” but if you had asked them about it, they certainly would not have felt any kinship with the pale-skinned people of northern and western Europe from whom most English-speaking white people today are descended.  Those people were every bit as barbarian (and every bit as fair game for enslavement, for that matter) as the darker-skinned folk of the Middle East and North Africa.  Ancient Greeks and Italians also had loads of internal ethnic divisions – like, the Latins (the central Italian ethnic group to which the Romans belonged) were a different thing from the Umbrians to their east, the Etruscans to the north and the Oscans to the south.  In Greece, you had Dorians in the Peloponnese, Ionians in Attica and Asia Minor, Boeotians and Thessalians in central Greece, Epirotes in western Greece, and DON’T EVEN ASK about the Macedonians, because boyyyyyyyyy HOWDY you are NOT ready for that $#!tstorm.  The point is, race and ethnicity can be basically anything that you think makes you different from the people in another community.

So yeah, Alexander’s empire.  Alexander the Great conquered Persia, which was already the largest empire the world had ever seen at the time and incorporated dozens of ethnically distinct peoples (including many Greeks of Asia Minor, some of whom willingly fought against Alexander) through a philosophy of loose regional governance and broad religious tolerance.  Now, here’s the thing: Alexander had no idea how to run an empire of that scale.  No Greek did.  No one alive in the world did – except for the Persians.  Alexander didn’t have anything to replace the Persian systems of governance or bureaucracy, so… he didn’t.  Individual Persian governors were usually given the opportunity to swear loyalty to him and keep their posts; vacant posts were filled with Macedonians, but the hierarchy was basically untouched.  Alexander himself married a princess from Bactria (approximately what is now Afghanistan), Roxana, and had a kid with her, and encouraged other Macedonian nobles to take Persian wives as well, to help unify the empire.  Unfortunately Alexander, of course, had to go and bloody die less than two years after he’d finished conquering everything, and tradition holds that on his deathbed he told his friends that the empire should go “to the strongest,” which was an incredibly dumb thing to say and caused literally decades of war, which we are not even going to talk about because it is the most Game of Thrones bull$#!t in the history of history.  All you need to know is that when the dust settled there were basically three major Greco-Macedonian dynastic powers: the Antigonids in Greece, the Ptolemies in Egypt, and the Seleucids in Persia.

In terms of ethnic makeup the Antigonid kingdom is in principle the most straightforward because they’re basically still running the same Greece that Alexander’s father had conquered.  Even then, you should bear in mind that a) most Greek cities had legal provisions for allowing foreigners to live there under certain conditions (“foreigners” often meant Greeks from other cities, but in principle could be anyone), and b) the Greeks had a lot of slaves (many of whom were, again, Greeks from other cities, because that’s fine in ancient Greek morality, but a lot of them would have come from all over the place), and even though the Greeks didn’t count slaves as “people” or consider them a real part of a city’s ethnic composition, WE SHOULD.  The Ptolemaic kingdom in Egypt seems to have had a relatively small Greco-Macedonian upper class ruling over a native Egyptian, Libyan and Nubian peasant majority.  Members of that ruling class seem to have been kind of snobbish about any mixing between the two – only the very last Ptolemaic ruler, Cleopatra VII (yes, that Cleopatra), even bothered to learn the Egyptian language.  However, the Ptolemaic rulers did make some important cultural gestures of goodwill towards the Egyptians.  They took the native title of Pharaoh, which previous foreign rulers of Egypt hadn’t, and adopted a lot of traditional Pharaonic iconography like the double crown.  They also worshipped some of the most important Egyptian gods, most notably Isis, and may have kind of… deliberately created a new Greco-Egyptian god, Serapis, by blending together Osiris and Dionysus (Serapis actually becomes super important in the Roman period and is widely worshipped even outside Egypt).  And then there’s the Seleucids, an empire that did nothing but slowly collapse from the moment it was established.  They have a rough time of it because they have the largest land area to cover and dozens of distinct ethnic groups to bring together, and it doesn’t help that they kinda keep doing the Game of Thrones thing for about two hundred fµ¢&ing years.  They often get a bad rap in history and have a reputation for oppressing the non-Greek populations of their empire, but that’s probably at least partly because some of our most important sources for the Seleucids are Jewish, and the Seleucid kings’ relationship with the Jews broke down in a fairly spectacular fashion during the reign of Antiochus IV Epiphanes (r. 175-164 BC).  It’s not clear whether that’s representative of the Seleucids’ normal relationship with their subject peoples, or a worst case scenario.  Also, the Seleucids tend to get painted as villains in the historical record by both the other Greek powers and the Romans, and never really get much of a chance to defend themselves because we don’t have Seleucid histories.  What is clear is that they inherited all the ethnic and religious diversity of the Persian Empire, and most of their rulers were half-Persian because they followed Alexander’s example by marrying into the Persian nobility.  After an initial period of conflict they also seem to have maintained cordial relations with the Mauryan Empire of India, their neighbour to the east, for several decades, and contemporary Indian sources talk about sending Buddhist missionaries into Seleucid lands, so… like, there might have been a bunch of Greek Buddhists running around the empire; that’s a thing.

Whew.  Okay, so that is a criminally brief answer to-

OH CHRIST YOU ASKED ABOUT THE ROMANS AS WELL

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME

Right.  Romans.  One of the major schools of thought on how the Romans were able to create such an enormous and long-lasting empire in the first place is that their openness to accepting foreigners into their community gave them an enormous manpower advantage over every other ancient Mediterranean state.  Greek politics generally operates on the level of cities; even in the age of Alexander, individual cities have quite a lot of legislative autonomy.  Citizenship is also something that works on the level of cities: you aren’t a citizen of, say, the Seleucid Empire; you’re a citizen of Antioch, or Tyre, or Babylon, or whatever.  But then the Romans happen.  The Romans are weird, because they will sometimes just declare that all the people of an allied city are now also citizens of Rome.  In the early period of Rome’s expansion in the central Mediterranean, this meant (or so the theory goes) that they could draw upon larger citizen armies and sustain more casualties than their rivals.  This is how they beat Pyrrhus, the Greek king of Epirus (r. 297-272 BC), when he invaded Italy in response to disputes between Rome and the Greek colony of Tarentum; this is how they beat Hannibal, the legendary Carthaginian general, even after he annihilated the largest army the Romans had ever fielded at Cannae during the second Punic War (218-201 BC).  Now, at this point they are basically still just bringing in Italians, which we might consider ethnically homogenous even if they didn’t, but there’s more.

Once they really start to get going, the Romans enfranchise entire provinces at a time, like when the emperor Claudius (r. AD 41-54) decided to make everyone in Gaul (modern France, more or less) a Roman citizen.  The really interesting thing about this particular decision is that we actually have a copy of the speech he made to the Senate in Rome at the time, so we can examine his rationale.  Claudius’ argument is basically that being inclusive has always been what has made Rome stronger than its rivals, going right back to their mythological past, when Romulus populated his city with disenfranchised criminals from other communities (and, uh… women that they kidnapped from the next town over).  The Romans believed that everything great about their civilisation had originally been learned or borrowed from someone else – metalworking and irrigation from the Etruscans, infantry combat from the Greeks, shipbuilding from the Carthaginians, etc – so it wasn’t a huge stretch for them to believe that all these people should eventually become part of Rome as citizens (well… the ones who weren’t killed or enslaved in the conquest, anyway – no one ever said the Romans were saints).

The reason Claudius feels he needs to justify all this to the Senate is that citizenship (rather than any of the forms of semi-citizen rights that Romans would sometimes grant to their allies) will make rich Gauls eligible to become Senators themselves, and occupy other high-level posts like provincial governorships.  The decision affects the ethnic composition of the Senate, so even though he doesn’t actually need their permission to do it, he asks as a courtesy (the emperors’ relationship with the Senate is a weird and complicated thing).  Even without being a citizen, you could actually do a great deal in the Roman government in Claudius’ time.  Many of the most important jobs in the empire were ones that had existed during the age of the Republic, when Rome was theoretically a democracy, and all of those were restricted to citizens even after they stopped being elected positions – but there was also an imperial bureaucracy that answered directly to the emperor and his aides, and he was free to choose literally anyone to fill those positions.  As a result, a lot of emperors deliberately picked slaves and former slaves for loads of senior positions, specifically because their lack of citizen rights meant that they could never be political rivals, and because they were a useful counterbalance to the power of the blue-blooded Roman aristocracy.  And, again, slaves can be from basically anywhere.  A lot of these administrative slaves were Greeks, because Greek education provided useful skills for running the imperial bureaucracy that the Romans themselves often didn’t have, but emperors could and did commission literally anyone for these positions.

Eventually the emperor Caracalla (r. AD 211-217) just decided it wasn’t worth keeping track anymore and declared that every freeborn person in the entire empire, which by that point stretched from northern England to Morocco to Romania to Jordan, was now a Roman citizen.  All of these people are now “Romans,” regardless of their language or culture or religion; the only criterion is that they not be slaves or former slaves (and even if they’re former slaves, their children will be Roman citizens).  And these people can move, in ways that were never possible before the Empire existed, because Rome is the first – and so far the last – political entity ever to unite the entire Mediterranean region, which allows them to wipe out piracy almost completely and jump-start trade and travel in ways that would never happen again for over a thousand years.  My own research on Roman glass has led me to encounter glassblowers with Syrian or Jewish names working in northern Italy – people who were probably integral to spreading the technology of glassblowing to western Europe.  The Roman army also moves people around – like, a lot.  You might enlist in your home town in Syria, then serve on Hadrian’s wall and retire in northern England – in fact, we know that this happened because we’ve found stuff like inscriptions in the Aramaic language in Roman Britain.

Also Rome had, like… a whole dynasty of African emperors one time.  Septimius Severus (r. AD 193-211) and his successors were part Italian, part Punic (of Carthaginian descent – ultimately Middle Eastern, since the Carthaginians were originally a Phoenician colony) and part Berber (native North African), and Severus grew up in what is now Tunisia.  And that wasn’t really a big deal for the Romans, 1) because Severus’ Italian ancestry made him a Roman citizen, which trumps all other signifiers of ethnicity, and 2) Rome had already had a couple of emperors of Iberian (= Spanish) descent by this point who were considered some of the best ever, and the Iberians are just as “barbarian” as the Berbers as far as Rome is concerned.  Other Roman emperors of varied ethnicities include Philip (Arabian), Diocletian (Illyrian), the three Gordians (probably Cappadocian), and Elagabalus (Syrian, and incidentally the gayest Roman of all time; like, normally I would warn you to be super cautious about using modern labels like “straight” and “gay” for Romans because they just didn’t think about sexual orientation in those terms, but I make an exception here because Elagabalus was super gay).

Oh, and just because someone will definitely bring it up if I don’t, there was a big fuss in the news a few years back because someone discovered the skeletons of what they claimed were Chinese people living in, of all places, Roman Britain.  And to me, one Chinese family in Britain in the first century AD is not particularly a dramatic stretch of plausibility (a handful of people could easily slip through the historical record and just never be mentioned), but the evidence in this particular case falls some way short of “proof.”  There’s chemical data that suggests these individuals grew up somewhere far away from Britain, which is well and good, but the thing that points specifically to China is not the isotopic analysis but a study of bone morphology, and trying to determine someone’s ethnicity on the basis of what their bones look like, on the universal scale of things that are sketchy, ranks “sketchy as all fµ¢&.”  Again, I’m happy to believe that they exist, because China (Seres in Latin) and Rome (Dà-Qín in Chinese) definitely knew about each other, and we occasionally find Roman artefacts and coins in eastern Asia, or Chinese artefacts in the eastern Roman Empire, but the specific evidence for these individuals isn’t there, in my opinion.

…that was a brief answer.  Let it stand as a warning to others.

[ruffoverthinksthings]

I ask this since I know you love Elsa, what is her life and role like post G.U.

BOYHOWDY, LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT ELSA IN AURADON

Elsais particularly interesting in all of Auradon as she’s one of thefew “True” Princesses that buck the Disney Stereotype, and thustheir entire society’s tradition:

Sheis unmarried, has absolute power over her dominion, and none of herpeople look any less of her because of that

She’sone of three who rules over a traditional kingdom without a husband,the other two being Queen Elena of Avalor, and Queen Merida ofDunBroch

Shebucks the trend of princesses needing to be demure and traditionallylady-like, waiting to be saved by a brave hero, and the medievalstandard that women should only stand to the side and cheer on themen as they go off to do work, and be there to welcome them back withdinner and a company in bed when they return

Thisis particularly impressive in that alongside Agrabah and China,Arendelle is one of the major economic centers of Auradon, one of thebiggest centers and facilitators of international trade, aninvaluable link in the global supply chain of the country, and havinga LOT of influence and sway because of all the taxes and tariffs theyproduce for the country, and goods that are endemic to her country,the most famous being their chocolate.

(Youmay think I’m joking, but royals of Auradon take their sweet treatsVERY seriously.)

Herlocal reputation is that she is the “Brains” of the monarchy,being the one to study, craft, and refine all the numerous laws,trade agreements, and government projects and infrastructure that arenecessary to keep Arendelle running at top efficiency and itsresidents, permanent and temporary, happy and healthy.

Ifyou thought that the giant number of ships and diplomats coming inand out of the port trying to make good with the gatekeeper forinternational trade in their continent was complicated, imagineadding the internet, international trade with dozens of othercountries from all over the realm, with all the numerous individualorders they now have to deal with, alongside the much easier bulktrade with countries and corporations.

Acargo-liner missing its delivery of produce to Agrabah can bedevastating to the both their economies and disruptive to the livesof the citizenship, as is an influential duke from Corona notreceiving the special chocolates he needs to placate his wife.

PrincessAnna is the “Heart” of the monarchy, being the one who handlesmost personal interactions with diplomats, fellow royals, orinfluential leaders and individuals, the sole exceptions beingbusinesspersons and lawyers; sitting in for or sitting with Elsaduring meetings and conferences; and always being by her majesty’sside when it comes to public appearances, international events, andespecially whenever Elsa has to do anything with Beast.

Withthe third, Elsa may be free to go around and interact with the worldat large, but she still prefers to stay indoors and work or enjoy hermore private hobbies, the latter of which has expanded to involve theinternet and modern media; and Anna is the only one who canconsistently emotionally (and physically) restrain her when Beastinevitably does something to offend her or otherwise earn herire.

(Moreon the strained relationships between her and Beast later.)

Internationally,she is known as one of the most unabashedly progressive leaders ofAuradon, one of the fiercest proponents for universal education andstricter standards; the advancement of science and technology,especially in the telecommunications sector, and the propagation ofit among the masses; and obviously, women’s rights.

Shehas received both praise and flak because of her beliefs, heractions, and government projects:

WithEducation, majority of the states dislike her stance of completelyremoving religion and the numerous customs associated with it, alongwith her push for serious and possibly criminal disincentive andpunishments if a legal guardian/parent/state fails to comply with her“education for everyone” philosophy.

Majorityof the negative press comes from the already financially troubledmiddle and working class complaining about the extra costs of sendingchildren to school such as lunch money, transportation, and ofcourse, the lackluster and highly variable states of public schoolsand governtment-sponsored institutions that gave states like Londonan unfair advantage, and the inherently different competency levelsof teachers, or the unique geographical and cultural challenges ofthe many remote villages and places without concrete roads, much lessreliable mass public transportation.

Thecost issues is not helped by majority of the disincentive beingmonetary fines, as “jail time” is equivalent to a trip to theIsle of the Lost, and Elsa was never a fan of that, to say the least.(Again, more on that later.)

WithIndustrialization and the Information Revolution, she’s seen as ascapegoat or a heavily demonized figure by the working classes andthe industries that have been rendered obsolete, or were vastlyshrunk or forced to adapt in a hurry in the wake of the increasinglyautomated and globalized nature of production and commerce inAuradon.

Itdoesn’t help that there are still media figures who are willing toslander her, making fun of and controversies out of Elsa’s knownhabit to stay inside her quarters and surf the internet and watchanime for majority of her free time.

Oneof the most common sound-bytes is, “This ‘Queen’ just wants tostay at home all day, dealing with fiction than reality!”

WithWomen’s Rights, the only thing I’ll say is that sexism andmisogyny is well and alive in Auradon, no matter how manycelebrations they are about how equal and progressive every state hasbecome.

Elsasums up the irony of her plight like this:

“Iam constantly receiving insults and threats from women who wouldn’thave been able to publicly express their opinion without Feminism,oftentimes sent from phones they’ve bought from the verycorporations they demonize, using technology and infrastructure thatwouldn’t have even existed or been at the level it is now if wedidn’t support education and science so much.

“’LivingLike Royalty’ indeed.”

Itdoesn’t help that Beast has at many points publicly and vehementlyopposed policies and causes she was supporting, only to laterbacktrack and get much if not all of the praise when he and thepeople finally realized how beneficial it was to their lives.

Mostpeople only remember the biggest three disagreements she’s ever hadwith Beast, however: the enactment of the Magic Ban, the creation ofthe Isle of the Lost, and his changing Auradon’s originalgovernment structure from an international union of all the manystates while retaining their individual powers, to the FederalGovernment it is now with Auradon City and Beast at the top.

Allthree happened amid a very bad time for all the royals and Auradon ingeneral, the first two years After Great Uniting when the “Honeymoon”period was over and so many cultural, economic, and political clasheswere happening all over the place.

Asthe one who had initiated the Great Uniting in the first place, alongwith being the first contact of many of the states for inhabitantsacross realms, Beast, Belle, and his court had handled majority ofthe international problems, even if they weren’t formally grantedthe absolute authority they have today.

Elsawas busy with keeping the peace and sanity in Arendelle as it was amajor international hub of political and economic activity A.G.U. asit was B.G.U., but all those policies prompted her to put her regentand Anna on the throne as she took an emergency trip to Auradon City.

Thescene is oftentimes heavily dramatized in historical documentaries,though the “ugly truth of the matter” is oftentimes made muchmore pleasant for a variety of reasons, much to Elsa’s dismay. Theactual event was as follows:

Beastsitting in his office, drowning in paperwork that is being siftedthrough by Cogsworth and a small army of secretaries, lawyers, andadvisers. Belle wasn’t with him at the time, as he had encouragedher to take a vacation from all the work she was taking on herself intrying to bring peace and sanity to Auradon.

Thegrand double doors are locked, and have been for hours, Beast havingstrictly ordered that only a handful of incredibly urgent andvery specific business and emergencies be allowed to add onto theliteral mountains of paperwork he’s already dealing with.

Suddenly,it’s unlocked from the outside, the sound of the key turning thegear mechanisms like a massive explosion to the inhabitants, asthey’d had nothing but the sound of furiously scribbling pens andhushed discussion for so long.

Lumierecarefully peeked his head in. “Your Majesty, you have a veryurgent visitor–”

“Tellthem to go away, I’m busy!” Beast says.

Lumierefrowns. “Your majesty, I’m afraid she–”

Bang!

Theother door opens with a blast of frost and hail, slamming into thewall, the crystal doorknob shattering from having been frozen. TheRoyal Guards that had been chasing yelp and jump back as a giant wallof icicles erupt in the doorway, barring them and Lumiere fromentering.

Elsadoes not notice the cries and complaints of Beast’s aides or thefear in their eyes as she storms up to Beast’s desk, ice spreadingfrom her feet, seeping into the carpets, and crawling up the walls.In her hands, she carries two thick sheaves of paper, the physicalcopies of the first drafts of the Isle, and the Ban.

Beastgroans and rubs his temples, his reading glasses dipping lower downhis nose. “Elsa, now is not a good time…” he starts.

Slam!

Elsathrows her papers down onto Beast’s desk, scattering the documentshe’s already reviewing, skewering the signature he was trying tomake on one. “What are you thinking with these?!” she demanded.

Beastscowled, and shoves them to the side. “Elsa, I had someone send youan e-mail with everything you wanted to know, just like you asked–”

“Iread the damned e-mail, that’s why I’mhere!” Elsa cried. “Have you gone mad, Beast?”

Beastgroaned. “Is this about the Magic Ban? Because I think your kingdomwill do just fine making your ice palaces and skating rinks theold-fashioned way.”

“Thisisn’t just about what I do for my people for the sake ofrecreation, Beast!”Elsa cried. “Haven’t you seen what it’s like for the otherrealms? You’ve met Flora, Fauna, Merryweather, Genie, the FairyGodmother, the Blue Fairy, Yen Sid, Merlin—magic isn’t aplaything for them and thousands of other mages, it’s theirlives and how they make a living!

“Andanother note, what in the hell is this about a ‘RemoteIsland Prison’ for all criminals?!”

“Yourmajesty Elsa…” one of Beast’s aides said as they stepped in, ahand held out.

Beasthis hand on their chest, and gently pushed them back. They loweredtheir arms to their sides as they quickly stepped back; the otheraides follow suit, many of them holding the documents, tablets, andpens in their hands like they were shields or weapons.

“It’sall business, Elsa,” Beast said. “All those people are going tohave how to get by without magic like the rest of us, becauseotherwise they’ll have an unfair competitive advantage overmundanes and that’s going to kill so many markets.

“Andfor another thing, if we get rid of all the villains and theirlackeys, we won’t have to spend so much on the Royal Guard to stoptheir mischief, AND we don’t need to strain our agricultural sectoranymore than it already is.

“Icall that a win-win!”

Elsastared at him. The room literally and figuratively dropped severaldegrees as the aides began to shake, both from the cold and fear.Many of them start to slowly inch towards the nearest windows.

“Youcall this a ‘win-win?’” Elsa asked, her voice devoid ofemotion. “Is that what these people are to you, Beast?Figures on a sheet, something that affects your bottom line,dead-weight you can just throw overboard?”

Beastslammed his hands on the table and shot up. He has great deal overElsa physically in height and weight, but even that and the blazingfire in his eyes doesn’t intimidate her, the Queen of Arendellestanding as tall and cool as before.

“Elsa,I am the King of this Castle you’re in, and you will show merespect, as a guest should,” Beast said, seething.

“A‘guest’ who also sits on your advisory board, whom youformally and publicly invited and made a big show of telling thewhole world just how glad you are to have my expertise,” Elsareplied calmly. “These new orders of yours are disastrous, Beast,however you paint it:

“Socially,you’re going to be sentencing for life a good third of our totalpopulation, ripping families apart without hope of ever seeing eachother again, many of them victims of circumstance and forces beyondtheir control as the studies from London will tell you.”

Shenarrowed her eyes. “I’m assuming you read them, right?”

“Ihad someone sum it up for me,” Beast replied.

Elsaresists the sudden, magnetic attraction between her forehead and herhand. “Economically, you’re devastating a giant portion ofour working class, ripping out a majority of the people who do allthe dirty, inglorious work that keeps kingdoms like ours running, andyou free to sit around all day dealing with paperwork whileyour servants clean, cook and bring you food, and read the damnedpaperwork you were supposed to.”

Beastgrowled and bared his teeth. “Leavemy staff out of this.”

“I’mmerely stating a fact, Beast, I can’t apologize becauseit’s true,” Elsa snapped back. “This isn’t even just thepeople who scrub your floors, clean your dishes, and keep your castlefrom crumbling apart—these could be the same people helping youdraft laws, communicate with ambassadors, and keep you from drowningin paperwork in ten years, after we put them through a propereducation!”

“Wedon’t know how effective your fancy ‘universal education plan’is going to be, all we know is that it’s going to be as expensiveas shit and hard to implement!” Beast roared.

“Anddoes that mean we shouldn’t TRY?!” Elsa cried. “This isn’t aquestion of cost and figures, Beast, this is a question of morality,the ‘Good’ thing to do. Is this how you want to treat all theproblems in our new world, Beast?

“Lockthem up or put them in chains, hide them away from the rest of theworld where they can’t see them so everyone can go about theirlives pretending is sunny and shining while they suffer cold andalone, do the same thing that happened to me?

“Thesame thing that happened to you?”

Beast’shands clenched into fists, his jaw clenched so tightly the veinsunder his skin looked like they might pop at any moment.

“Thisisn’t how a monarch should rule, Beast! This isn’t how this ournew world is supposed to work! You can’t just demonize people,shove them in a drawer where they can’t bother you, make them outto be monsters like you were!

“Youdon’t get a second chance at life and freedom so you can take awayeveryone else’s!”

“Shut.Up.”

“No,I won’t shut up!” Elsa cried, frost pouring from herfingers, her magic seeping into the desk and all the paperwork atopit, turning paper soggy then into ice, ink freezing inside pens andbottles. “I am exercising my first amendment of our Constitutionthat you signed, that you agreed to follow, that allowsand protects my right to tell you that you are making a hugemistake all of us are going to regret!”

Crack!

Beastslammed his palms onto the desk, the ancient, sturdy wood shatteringinto pieces from all the ice that had seeped into the grain.Paperwork, pens, and ink jars fly off as he roars and sends themflying off every which way and out of his face.

“THENGET OUT! OUT! NOW!

“THISIS MY CASTLE, MY RULES, AND AS THE KING, I FORMALLY DECLARE THAT YOUARE FOREVER BANNED FROM EVER SHOWING YOUR FACE IN MY KINGDOMEVER AGAIN!”

Elsanarrowed her eyes at him. “We will speak again, Beast,”she said quietly, before she turned around and left.

Thebarrier of icicles fell as Elsa crossed through them. The RoyalGuards standing outside with their swords drawn were prepared tofight her and forcefully take her out of the castle and to a privatejet headed straight back to Arendelle, but the constant, violent,freezing winds and hail pouring out from her make them think twice.

Lumierepeers in, and quickly beckons the terrified aides out. He closes thedoors after the last one, leaving Beast the only one in the room. Thestaff, aides or Royal Guard, all bow their heads and ignore thesounds of roaring, rage, and destruction that echo from Beast’soffice.

TheMagic Ban and the Isle of the Lost are soon passed, with the blessingand the enthusiastic support of majority of Auradon’s residents.

Elsais one of the figureheads of the movement that tries to prevent theirpassing, but unfortunately, neither she nor her allies could inspireloyalty in the masses like Beast does; Belle was on his side,believing that she could eventually steer him towards rescinding thedecisions and supporting what Elsa and the other, more controversialroyals wanted; and the union of the Fae and the soon-to-becomeIslanders quickly dissolved after massive in-fighting, factionalism,and the increasingly evident fact that technology would soon outpacemagic and leave half of them behind.

UnlikeDunBroch, which seceded from the Union during the chaos, Elsa firmlyexpressed her decision for Arendelle to stay. “Leaders don’tleave the table, they stay, even if the head of it is prone toflipping it over,” in her words.

Shedoesn’t have as much power as she would like, as Auradon quicklyturned into the Federal Government it is when the individual statessaw the need to unify under one banner with actual executive power,but she is a part of the unofficial, but no less powerful andinfluential Trade Triumvirate of Auradon, the other members beingAgrabah and China.

Alot of Beast’s dumber or less popular decisions among herprogressive allies were kiboshed when she and the others casuallythreatened to secede and stop remitting their billions in taxes andtariffs to Auradon City.

Allof the above events have obviously made their mark on Elsa, her hairthese days looking more gray than white, having gained weight andmore than a few wrinkles from stress eating and the stress thatprompted it, and lost much of her faith in humanity and the“Goodness” of people after seeing Auradon time and againsupporting Beast to their detriment, and praising him when it wasmostly the individual states’ actions that actually brought aboutthe change.

Therewas a push to put an end to the monarchies that govern Auradon nowthat the world is changing, but she is wary after seeing the kind ofpopulation that would constitute a democracy, and the leaders theywould likely elect.

She’salso gained something of a snarky streak to her, frequently seenwhenever she uses social media: “If I seem angry and pissed off allthe time, it’s because I am,” is one of her favourite lines.

Still,it’s not all that bad.

Feminismhas made life infinitely more pleasant for her and all of herkingdom, and she’s good friends with the other princesses/queens,especially Merida, Jasmine, Mulan, and Belle. (Her stance is that sheplatonically loves the woman, viciously hates the man sheloves.)

Inspite of the lack of credit and flak she gets for being one of thekey proponents of advancing Auradon’s more helpful policies likeinternet access for everyone, better standards for education, and theglobalization and industrialization of trade and production, it makesher happy whenever a little child tells her that she wants to be aruler just like her when they grow up:

Someonewho doesn’t back down from her beliefs, even when the entire worldis against her.

Andof course, the Great Uniting brought her Anime, video games, and theInternet. “Oh, how I wish I had these when I was trapped in my roomfor over a decade…” in her words.