#how to control your anger aanam verma tips to control your anger control your anger

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CONTROL YOUR ANGER

Ms. Aanam Verma  | Head of Department | Asst. Professor Biological Sciences  |  CPSM College of Education | Gurugram

HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER  | ANGER MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES | TIPS TO OVERCOME ANGER

Most people get upset simply because they don't know what to do when they experience anger in their daily life. Sometimes aggressive behaviour may get their needs met in the short-term, but there are long term consequences. Your words might cause lasting damage to the relationship or even lead to its demise. So here by, I will like to share some simple tips how to tackle the ghost of ANGER.

When calm, express the anger

As soon as your thoughts are clear, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. You must state your concern and needs in a direct and clear way, without hurting others or trying to control them.

Physical Activities

Physical activity like yoga, stretching, aerobic exercises reduces stress which is the cause root of your anger. Neck rolls and Shoulder rolls are good examples of nonstrenuous yoga like movements, which controls your body and harness your emotions. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or do some enjoyable physical activities like cycling, hit a few golf ball, playing your favourite  game.

Relaxation Exercises

There are many relaxation exercises but the key is to find the one that works best for you. Breathing exercises and Progressive muscle relaxation are two common strategies for reducing tension. Your breathing becomes shallower and speeds up as you grow angry. Reverse that trend  by taking slow, deep breath from your nose and exhaling out of your mouth for several moments. In Progressive muscle relaxation, try to tense and relax slowly your different muscle groups in your body, one at a time, along with slow deliberate breathe. Eg. Closing tightly & relaxing your fist along with breathe in & out respectively. You can use kids small smiley ball too. Stress balls are also available in the market. Relaxation exercises take practice. At first, you might feel as they are not effective, but with practice, they will.

Warning signs

Be alert & aware of the emerging signs of anger like fast heart beat, red & hot face, clenching of fist, unable to think properly etc., so that you can take control and prevent it to reach the boiling point. 

 Identify Triggers

Take stock of things that trigger your anger like traffic jams, sarcastic comments, messy room, work not at time etc. You must structure your day differently and prevent the triggers to take place. 

Be aware of your feelings

Think critically what real emotions are lurking beneath your anger. Sometimes anger act as a mask to protect you from more painful emotions like embarrassment or disappointment. Acknowledging underlying right emotion can help you to get the root cause of problem. For an example, if someone cancels a plan on which you were so excited, chances are you rush in anger but underlying emotion is disappointment, so you can explain your feelings of disappointment instead of making the scene. Be honest with your feelings, then only you can resolve the issue. Responding in anger just push people away.

 Keep your mouth shut 

When you are provoked, you may speak rubbish, which will worse the situation rather than any positive result. So, in an argument tightly close your lips as they are pasted. This will help you to take time to collect your thoughts and respond in a mature way.

Repeat a mantra

                                                          When your temper flares, repeat a mantra or calming word or phrase, that will help you to calm down and refocus. Repeat that word again and again to yourself when you are upset. ‘Relax’, ‘take it easy’, ‘you will be o.k’ or ‘everything will be fine’ are good examples.

Picture a stop sign

 The universal symbol to stop can help you calm down when you are angry. It’s a quick way to help you visualise the need to halt yourself, your actions and walk away from the moment. You can put any symbol on your back of your hand which will remind you to STOP & control your anger.

Find a creative channel

You can turn your anger into a tangible production. Consider digital creativity, painting, writing poetry or journal when you feel upset. What you can't say,  perhaps you can write. Jot down what you are feeling and how you want to respond. Processing it through the written words can help you calm down and reassess the events, increases understanding and more possible solutions. Emotions are powerful muscles for creative individuals. Use yours to reduce anger.

Practice Imagination

                                                                                                                       Just step into a close room, close your eyes, and imagine yourself in a relaxing scene. Focus on the details of the imaginary scene. Colour of shedding leaves.... movement of water….brightness of the rising sun etc. This practice can give you calmness, peace, serenity and of course strength.

Keep a calm down kit

Make collection of objects which helps to engage all your senses. When you can see, hear, smell and touch the calming things you can change your emotional state. So, prepare a calm down kit which may include scented hand lotion, an image  of serene landscape or any relaxing scene, Audio- Video spiritual passage or quotes, a few pieces of your favourite candy. Just include all those things that you know will help you to remain calm. You can create a Portable calm down kit  that you can take anywhere. For example, calming music  and images, guided meditation or instructions for breathing exercises etc. to be stored in a special folder on your smartphone. Keep your bag loaded with hand lotion, perfumed wipes & candies.

Change the focus

The best way to calm down is to change the focus immediately on something else. It’s better to distract yourself with an activity. Do something that requires your focus and makes more challenging for negative thoughts to creep in. For an Example, organising the wardrobe, deep cleaning the kitchen, weeding the garden, sign a petition, write a note to an official etc. Pour your energy and emotions into something thats healthy and productive which keeps your mind occupied and won’t able to ruminate on the things upsetting you. 

Listen Music

Let the music carry you away from your frustrated feelings. Put on your earbuds, move to the park or drive the car and listen your favourite music, humming & bopping your anger away.

Countdown

Feeling angry, countdown up to 10. If your anger touching the peak, start slow backward count. By the time you count, your heart rate becomes slow, and your anger subsides slowly. 

Sharing with a friend

Instead of whirling in the episodes that made you angry, you must have a long talk with a friend who is trustful, understands you and your all perspectives and also help you to get rid of the problem. 

Write a letter or Email

Write a letter or email expressing all the events, even minute emotions which made you angry. After that, delete it. This will help you to release the suppressed emotions and make you at ease. 

Rehearse your response

Rehearse what & how you are going to say when the same type problem approaches you. This rehearsal period  gives you chance to role play all the  solutions coming to your mind.

Practice empathy

Fit in other persons shoes and see the situation from their angle. When you narrate a story according to their perspective, you may gain a new understanding and can overpower your anger. Think like a scientist, not a lawyer

Feel the anger but avoid action

In anger person loses judgement and problem solving skills which makes him rigid & blunt. Ambrose Bierce rightly said “speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”. Anger drives us to aggress , confront,  take revenge and retaliate. It’s better to go to bed  angry, before sending angry email  keep it for few days, just walk away when fight arises.

Self reflection

Some person are proud of their anger. Even they achieved nothing, they experience a warm inner glow of self satisfaction .They believe they have accomplished something tough, powerful and righteous. But that's not.  One must see or hear himself in anger once in life. Tennis great  Roger Federer  who was a racket smashing brat in his junior years, was watching himself throwing tantrums on TV that put him off of it throughout the life. 

Take care of yourself 

Factors like alcohol, pain, fatigue, stress, sickness, unmet drives like hunger, thirst, lust, etc. act as a fuel to anger. Reduce these variables as much as possible. Take proper sleep, make routine timetable, take some time off, streamline your week, delegate, relax, and have nutrition rich diet. 

Stick with ”I”statements

Criticizm or blame game will always  increase tension. So, use ‘I’ statements while presenting the problem. Keep in mind to be specific and warm. Example say ‘I don’t feel good when you leave the table without keeping the plate in sink’ instead of saying ‘you never help in housework.

Take short breaks

Give self short breaks during stressful or overloaded days. A few moments of quiet time will help you feel better, focused and prepare you to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry.

Work on solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Always remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.  

Forgiveness

Learn to Forgive. If your anger overpower your positive side, you find yourself dipped in bitter & poisonous fluid. But by forgiving someone who made you upset will make both of you to learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship. If it finds hard to forgive the person who has done wrong to you then imagine to forgive him. This way your anger slip away.

Evaluation of anger

Analyse  whether your anger is a friend or an enemy. If you see your right is being violated, you are suffering an unhealthy situation or emotionally abusive toxic relationship, then your anger can do justice. Here, you can change the situation rather than changing your emotional state. Anger gives you the strenghth & courage to take a stand and make the right  change. Another case, if your anger is enemy, it will destroy your healthy relationships and make you upset. So, evaluate your anger is positive or negative for you.

Humor, the best medicine

Lightening the situation can diffuse the tension. Humor can give you insight that what’s making you angry or having any unrealistic expectations. Avoid sarcastic comments, it only hurt the feelings and also make situation worse. Diffuse your anger by looking for ways to laugh, whether playing with your kids, watching  stand - up, or comedy movie. 

Gratitude

End of the day, always be thankful to life, what positive things it has given you, even under hard situations. Just ignore the negative part and enrich more with gratitude for right things in your life. Anger will get no attention & will try to eliminate automatically from your life.

Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a big challenge. Seek help or consult a psychologist if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do more harmful things you regret. 

Aanam Verma