#how theres not more unattractive then smoking

[dodgerboxd]

the way people talk about smokers will never not infuriate me btw. u understand that is a human being yes? a human being who I Promise understands the health hazards, the risks. a human being who is well aware they smell like smoke, a human being who is well aware it's a "disgusting" habit, a human being who feels guilty and shitty every time they smoke, yeah?

[zackinthegreen]

Random questions ALL ANSWERS

Bored waiting for a ride home so i guess ill answer them all

1. Museum date or aquarium date? Why?

--museum. just got reaction

2. Describe your favorite type of weather.

-- Cold and Still

3. Name a subject/topic you know a lot about.

-- nothing

4. Do you have any friends or know anyone with the same name as you?

-- no friends but a couple people in my middle/highschool had the same first name

5. What’s something most people love that you hate?

-- uhhh I mean theres some food stuffs, pineapple, milk apparently

6. Who knows the most about you personally?

-- probably no one

7. If you could create ANY mix-up or mythical animal and have it be brought to life, what would it be?

-- Theow idk why

8. Do you think everyone in our lives serves a purpose, or are some people just there?

-- no one has a purpose

9. How do you feel about getting your picture taken?

-- HATE IT

10. Any guilty pleasure/s?

-- all things I enjoy come with not an insignificant amount of shame and guilt

11. What is your favorite Studio Ghibli film and why?

-- Havent seen any of them

12. Do you always make eye contact with people when you’re speaking to them?

-- I try to but I dont like to a lot of the times

13. Have you ever self-harmed?

-- as a kid I would slam my head against a wall but I dont think that really applies

14. What’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?

-- don't really remember

15. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach today?

-- not today no

16. Did anyone/anything get on your nerves today?

-- yeah. Film club and the terrible way its run

17. Is there something you currently want, that you can’t have?

-- to be a ghost

18. Who was the last person to make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable?

-- myself

19. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favorite character in it?

-- i guess the last movie I watched was the lighthouse but that was a while ago. Fav character the seagull

20. What are you known for?

-- am I know for anything?

21. What is something you are skeptical about?

-- a lot i guess

22.If you have a job, do you prefer morning shifts or evening shifts?

-- morings if it's not too early

23. What is something you are most confident about?

-- nothing

How about something you're really insecure about?

-- my ability to communicate

24. What do you think in general of girls with short hair? How about guys with long hair?

-- I noticed a trend in highschool of frequently crushing on tall girls with short hair. boys with long depends

25. With films in languages you do not speak, do you prefer a dub or a subtitle?

-- it depends on a lot

26. If you wear makeup, what are your preferred brands?

-- dont wear make up

27. What part of a person's body do you usually find the most attractive?

-- I dont really know

28. What/which music are you currently listening to?

the dreadnoughts just released a new album

29. Do you find smoking unattractive?

YES

30. What was the last thing you looked up on Google?

--Petey Wheatstraw

31. What is the 10th picture in your phone gallery?

-- a half finished cardboard model of ds9

32. Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color?

-- every time a movie with the joker comes out it delays me dying my hair green

33. What job would you be terrible at and what job would you be good at?

-- I'd be bad at a lot. doing okay at current job of AV lab monitor

34. Do you think forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something?

-- yes

35. What did you think was cool when you were younger?

-- I'm not sure I ever thought things were cool. like anything you could possibly do isnt cool. existing is uncool.

36. Is there a place that makes you sad to return to?

-- not that I can think of right now.

37. What's the best advice anyone has ever given you?

-- lay low

38. Have you ever treated someone badly just because someone else treated you badly?

-- yes

39. What's your favorite lyric from your favorite song right now?

-- FEELING LIKE A DEAD DUCK

40. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away?

-- walking up some steps

41. Is it true that if you can't love yourself, you can't love another?

-- I hope not

42. What's the most positive thing you could say to yourself right now?

-- it's all gonna be fine

43. What time of the day feels the most magical to you?

-- in the mornings when I'm the only one awake yet.

44. Were you a cute baby?

-- I dont think there exists a human baby capable of being cute

45. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for, but never did?

-- something said to Kass back at Drew U

46. What is any creative talent you wish you had?

-- drawing, writing, singing, playing music, acting

47. Do you think you'd make a good teacher? Why or why not?

NO. bad at communicating and cant deal with people well.

48. Do you think it's possible to fix a "broken" relationship?

-- I hope so

49. If you chose to get a tattoo what would it be and where would you want it?

-- I dont think I would get a tattoo

50. When was the last time you stayed up past midnight and what were you up to?

-- maybe about a month ago. feeling bad about some stuff I said.

[missjackil]

My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4. 

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!��� one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help. 

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts. 

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both?  Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so”  Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and  was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit. 

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs. 

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt. 

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane. 

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting. 

[lulus-sulul]

so i have a crush on this kid (d) and ive been talking to him since april i really fucking like him alot but than there's also this other kid (t) . t is a piece of shit bum and ughi dont like him n mad girls messaging ne about him like its so unattractive but he is just so fucking hot he can make me squirt n everything n eats me just for pleasure sexual shit d doesn't do ever like ya i know we not dating n its supposed to be us getting to know each other but fuck i cant get t out of my fucking head like holy shit i really cant stop fucking thinking about him i dont fucking know why like i actually though he liked me but like i also really think d fucks w me but like i know he talks to other girls . like fuck i cant even be mad at anything because im also fuckin my old friend bc he do thinks d dont like make me cum LMFAO . dude its legit 4 am n like all i think is the poor girl who messaged me that's getting played is also getting some bomb ass dick like fuck dude but d a really good guy . t now has me blocked on everything so like honestly fuck him like im onto bigger n better things now . i might move up north theres this kid hes a friend but he lives wayyy up north n i told him movin in today n he completely is ok w it like you don't understand hes the plug he lives on his own he drives he talks to me real nice he so far treats me nice like idk what if i really just go up for a month quit my job just kinda chill w the money i got for a month n see if i like it or like keep my job say im goin on vacation n go for like 2 weeks n ill turn my phone off like idk i wanna just run tf away for a week n have no one stress like if im not stressin why is everyone else like fuck idk i kinda wanna just go w the plug n see where that goes like his dad legit likes me so much its so cute i got invited to a bbq w all his family in ny like he does cute stuff but like d n like the thing is with d is idk wtf he wants like does he eventually want a relationship does he only wanna take me out n be friends like idk wtf is fucking going on n i wanna ask in person but i dont have the balls to ask him in person like bc we just declared we was friends but like since than hes been treating me ALOT better taking me out on dates , out to eat , we dont just chill in the car no more n now like i really like him now that hes actually treating me right idk how to explain the feelings i get when he texts me back or asks to go out especially when he asks to go on a date like oml i fucking love it but anyway i just needed to get all this shit off my chest like shit that felt like a whole weight was lifted off my chest goodnight got work soon i camt fucking sleep all i think about is d i just messaged him god i miss him i wanna be his girlfriend i wanna treat him right i wanna let him come to me w anything i wanna build i wanna meet his kid i wanna maybe even have one i wanna have my own place w him i wanna learn all his corny shit i really like him i like his ways i like the way he talks to me how he talks to me like a person how he jokes around w me how he smokes as much as much how he can just chill in a car watchin videos for hours i like the way he looks at me the way he cares for me i like how he likes me for me i like everything the way when he sleeps n i roll on him hell squish me or just completely push me off how i can go to him about alot i like how if i call him crying he can make me laugh or smile even ugh