#how it dealt with generational trauma changed how i viewed my own mother

[grammarpedant]

grimacing and making a so-so gesture of conditional agreement at the nk .jemisin discourse im finding in the tags of this admittedly very cutting post on my dashboard

[kittyanonymity]

Hi yes, I KNOW this isn’t one of my OTHER projects, but this song gives me major Damian and Adrien vibes. I like to think Adrien and Damian could bond over shitty parents, Damian about his mom, and Adrien about his dad. Managed to get this typed up between breaks on ALiG; chapter 6 is making steady progress finally lol This would be a Daminette/Jondrien fic, with Damian and Adrien Bros. 

It won’t let me post the whole song on tumblr for some reason?? So here’s a proper link. 

More below the cut about the particular AU this spawned, as well as the lyrics. 

(also this whole album/band kicks ass, I highly recommend) 

((ALSO ALSO this is actually a Brucelie -BruceXEmilie-fic too))

tw for casual weed smoking mention I guess? and abuse themes definitely

I am your son, you are my mother I'm on my own, you're not my lover Don't tell me how to live

I am your son, you are my father You led us like lambs on our way to the slaughter Who do you think you are?

One, two, three I know you lied to me I can see Now that I'm free

It's me and the black roses  X6 

I am your son, she's not my mother You think she's perfect, to me, just another Do you think it's okay?

But I am your son, for worse or for better Despite the fact that you a homewrecker I guess that's who you are

One, two, three I know you lied to me I can see Now that I'm free

It's me and the black roses  X18

SO the idea here is this. 

Obviously the parts in the beginning about the mother are from Damian’s point of view, and about the oppression he dealt with while in her care. Talia for those who aren’t as into DC is just, WOW levels of awful. She’s controlling, and very much trying to map out all of Damian’s life; and when Damian’s young, he’s fine with this. It’s kind of a classic case of ‘mother knows best’, but at its absolute worst. This starts to change once Damian goes to stay with his father in canon of course. Age Range for Damian: 10 to 12 or so?

The next three lines of lyrics are more from Adrien’s/Chat’s perspective; the ‘lambs led to slaughter’ are Adrien and the rest of the Miraculous team, and it really is about how angry Adrien is at his father for what’s he’s done to his family, and his friends. I imagine in the background during this part Adrien realizing his father is Hawkmoth during the final altercation; Gabriel will try to Akumatize him, and before Ladybug can step in, Chat cataclysms the butterfly, and just starts. BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HIS FATHER. They’re like 18 at this point, and his transformation wears off as he goes to take the Miraculous, and once it does, Gabriel kicks him off. The fight gets ugly, but Ladybug had managed to before this fight, fix the peafowl miraculous. And when she heals Emilie while Chat’s fighting, the woman wakes up in time to see her son go flying. She beats his ass with the assistance of Ladybug. It’s gonna get sappy after that. Ages for this Adrien/Mari: 18; they’ll leave paris 4 years later, to Gotham.

Following that, the next four lines I generally see being from both boys; Damian, once he’s embraced living with his father and brothers, and becoming Robin, reflecting on how his mother was wrong; and Adrien, once his father is in prison and he moves to the states with Marinette, Chloe, and his mother and begins to find peace without the overbearing nature of his father. Maybe there will also be some true Felix and Adrien bonding?? Amelie will definitely show up cause like, holy shit, hr sister is back???! Once again, here’s ages: Mari/Adrien: 22, Damian: 23, Jon: 21

The ‘Black Roses’, for me, can be interpreted in a couple different ways. One, both boys hail from wealth; Adrien as a model, and Damian as both an Al Ghul, and the Wayne heir. Canonically, we know Bruce cultivates roses, and I’d imagine they’re grown in grief; much the same for Adrien, as his father didn’t much care for any flowers until his mother ‘died’. Two, it could just symbolize both boys breaking away from, and grieving, what they never really had; albeit, a bit angrily given the tone of the song. 

And following the first chorus, we dive a little into how Damian feels about Selina, initially. He doesn’t trust her, doesn’t want her around his family, and certainly not around his father, who is, disturbingly, the more stable parent (we all know how fucked up Brucie really is, poor man) the boy’s had. And he maybe resents Bruce a little bit, cause like, why couldn’t he have loved Talia? Why this woman? When Selina and Bruce break up, he’s even more angry because he’d been starting to like Selina and seeing them both hurting is annoying for him. It does pass of course, like things usually do. He’s shocked when Bruce introduces Emilie. It’s hard not to like her though. Selina and Bruce break up when he’s 15, and he meets Emilie when he’s 23.

The next Few lines are once again more Adrien focused, his own reflecting on how he’s his father’s son. By this point in the lyrics, he’s met Jon, and he’s terrified of hurting him how his father hurt Emilie; he doesn’t want to be anything like Gabriel, but the media has done a bit of a number on him the last few years. This is where he and Damian also start to find they have a bit more in common than they thought. 

I like to imagine the last bit of the song is these 2 blessed boys bonding over trauma slowly but surely, feat. Adrien teasing Damian over Mari (because she’s literally everyone’s crush!!), and Damian hissing half threats back to tell Jon about the hearts in Adrien’s notebook. With a guest appearance from!! Overprotective Bros Damian and Adrien with a Visiting Nino, who’s really just happy to have a Third Bro, and So Stoked to be Here. Chloe and Marinette are wondering where they went wrong. Damian teaches Adrien how to deal with trauma in a Better Way, and Adrien teaches Damian how to Be Silly. 

(Three Older Robins are S C A R E D )

AND THIS ISN’T EVEN THE PROPER OUTLINE. 

Ages by the end are all about 23 or so, one moment, math time.... 

Ok, yeah, 23 or so. As fun as it is writing teenagers again, I love writing them as adults because it opens up the door for deeper character introspection, and i am A SLUT for that shit! Plus that means Jason and Tim can smoke weed and no one can tell me otherwise. OOH AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR EMILIE AND ALFRED BONDING!!! THEY’RE BOTH PEACOCKS! I do NOT need another story to write but wow this idea is really growing on me I tell you what. 

And this doesn’t even hardly TOUCH on what Marinette and the girls have been up to in the background because holy shit. A team made of Mari, Chloe, and Emilie with Alya as back up when she shows up, plus Amelie; add in the Wayne girls and it’s CHAOS.

And Bruce, well. 

He can’t remember a time when the manor was so lively; and he surprisingly wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

I might put together a proper outline at some point but who knows lol It’s taken me ages to get the will to type this out; I’ve had this in my head since like October of 2019 I think?? so a few months

also I totally blame the inclusion of Brucilie on @kandoesfanfics-writes or littlekittykanny over on Ao3; I’ve absolutely fallen in love with the way they write Bruce and Emilie and it found its way in there! Thank you for introducing me to this beautiful ship!! <3

see you guys soon hopefully! <3

small tag list cause I think you guys might like this idea :3 

@casualdarkness  @northernbluetongue  @2sunchild2  @ivymala07  @chez-pezeater  @persephonebutkore  @weird-pale-blonde-person  @crazylittlemunchkin  @thequestionablyhuman  @da-tasuky  @vivilakitty  @zerotosiki  @mikantsume  @fandomkitty8  @miraculous786 

[actual-ongoing-dumpster-fire]

The LGBTQ+ Community - Why I have the labels but don’t feel like I fit in at the same time

Maybe it’s my general identity issues, maybe it’s my bisexuality and refusal to “pick a side,” maybe it’s my “snowflake syndrome,” maybe it’s my lack of a cohesive personality but despite knowing without a doubt that I’m bisexual and pansexual I don’t really feel accepted, visible or a part of the LGBTQ+ community sometimes.

I remember when I stopped compartmentalizing my not-heterosexual orientation and started quietly coming out selectively to people as bisexual outside of my family at around 16 or 17 (I wouldn’t come out to them until I was 18), I was told by a few people either I was gay or straight, I had to pick a side, I was confused or experimenting, I was really this orientation or that, I wasn’t bisexual. Mind you, this was from both cishets and another who was at the time a lesbian (and projecting their own stuff because now he’s transitioned, a man and married to man? I don’t know either). This wasn’t exactly super super long ago, either. This was in 2012/2013. You can say that I’ve been around the block with dealing with other people’s biphobia and bi erasure in AND out of the community.

My ex girlfriend didn’t really seem to be okay with my sexuality either. She’s a lesbian and she did NOT like the part of my sexuality that was attracted to men - she’s even asked me if I would stop being attracted to guys for her (to change my sexuality just like that). Now mind you, that relationship was toxic in many other ways and that was just the tip of the iceberg. But needless to say I couldn’t make any mention of my attraction to any guys at all because she was dealing with her own unprocessed trauma and thought every male is an evil rapist not to be trusted. Yes, male privilege is a thing and I’m very weary of cishet males myself, but I can’t just change my sexual orientation just like that.

A lot of non-bi people label me depending on who I’m dating at the moment. I’m dating a girl? They first assume I’m a lesbian. I’m dating a guy? Then I’m straight. That’s not how bisexuality works. That label does not disappear if I’m dating one person. Now I’m not monogamous any more, but that’s what I dealt with before this. Am I out to cheat on someone? No, I’m ethically nonmonogamous. Do I want threesomes and orgies all the time? No, sometimes I just want to have sex with one person, other times more than one, thank you very much. Am I ever “going to pick a side” or will I continue to be “greedy”?

A lot of cishet men see my bisexuality as a way to gratify them sexually - I talk to any cishet man on a dating app (now I filter them all out because I’m tired with a capital T) and their reaction is that it’s “hot” and then they probably formulate a plan to get into an MFF threesome with them, I’m inundated with unicorn hunters looking for a single bisexual female just to, again, sexually gratify and please the straight guy of the couple. It’s not super uncommon for the lesbians and the bi females to see bi girls that have had sex with a guy before as “tainted” and “dirty”. I’m sure there’s plenty of stories of bi poly girls who aren’t allowed to sleep with guys in their polyamorous relationships because I’ve seen on social media a few experiences about rules I wouldn’t jive well with personally.

I deal with other pansexual people defining bisexuality as only being attracted to both gender conforming cis females and cis females, that pansexual people are into “hearts, not parts,” basically defining pansexuality as “woke” bisexuality, and as someone with both of these labels, both of those definitions are fucking wrong. Bisexual does not mean sexually attracted to males and females, it means attracted to both your gender and other genders not your own gender, this can include trans people and it can include nonbinary people, pansexual means attracted to all genders. It infuriates me so much seeing gatekeeping pansexuals who try and define the bisexual label in a vilifying way and use pansexuality to be “woke” or to virtue signal, and think that all bisexuals are transphobic and enforce a gender binary.

I was traumatized by all kinds of people - straight, gay, and yes, bisexual. My rapist is bisexual. Yes, I’m working on processing it all, I’m in therapy, don’t suggest I go to therapy when I’m already in therapy, but to be traumatized by people in and out of the community, it’s really hard to feel like I have a safe space or I belong anywhere.

I view gender as a social construct, that the gender binary and gender norms are silly, I’m an intersectional feminist, but at the same time I’m a cisfemale and I feel like my parts fit my gender, I’m very gender conforming, I feel like I’m a woman and I generally like more feminine things, as absurd I believe it is that things have to be categorized in socially invented labels like “masculine” and “feminine.” I’ve never dealt with gender dysphoria, the most dysphoric I’ve felt about my body is that it actually doesn’t look feminine enough to me (I have PCOS) and if I woke up with or was born with a penis I would be very unhappy and prefer a vagina. I would be very upset to be mistaken for a he or a guy, I like makeup and girlier clothes (although I don’t wear skirts because the tight pencil-like or tight mini-skirts I like over more flowy and loose skirts I don’t like how they look on my body because I hate my stomach and would prefer to hide it at all costs and you can’t hide that if you’re wearing a tighter skirt, ya feel me?) The most “masculine” things I like would be video games, since that’s apparently a categorized thing for whatever fucking reason, and wearing jeans and hoodies sometimes, or tech-y stuff (again, why is that categorized as a masculine thing it’s just a field of study). 

I think the “I’m not like the other girls” rhetoric some girls into traditionally-viewed-as-masculine things and putting down other women who are into traditionally feminine stuff as a silly and unneeded rhetoric that just fuels the patriarchy. I think that men expecting women to be nice and quiet and meek and submissive and there only to comfort them when their fweefwees are getting to much and they want to vent away and have women lend them an ear is stupid and I resent that expectation being placed upon me more often than not. I don’t ever see myself as being the awesome housewife and wonderful mother. I don’t see myself ever wanting to be married in a traditional marriage where I stay at home, my partner works and brings in all the money, and I do all the cooking and housekeeping, even if I don’t mind cooking and housekeeping stuff (for myself, for taking care of myself).

I’m a cisfemale and very gender conforming, but the gender norms and the gender binary are, I agree, very stupid and constricting and oppressive. And I’m going to be the asshole calling out gay male and lesbian culture. They say that they’re not about traditional gender norms, but they’re just enforcing it in a different way with using labels like “twink” and “bear” or “butch” and “femme.” The twinks together with the bear and the butch together with the femme, with one being the more dominant one and “wearing the pants” in the relationship is enforcing and conforming to gender norms but in a different way, I’m sorry to tell you. 

Needless to say, there’s plenty behind why I view the LGBTQ+ community as something I don’t feel like I fit in or have a place or space for. It’s always felt like something I’ve always wanted to be a part of, that I’ve always admired from afar, even though that shouldn’t be the case because I have the labels, I am not heterosexual. But with all the gatekeeping running rampant inside and out, by both the gays and the straights, it’s pretty hard not to feel invisible and unwanted, invalidated and erased, like there’s no home for me. I don’t fit the right boxes to be a straight or a gay, according to most people, and it’s really isolating to be denied a place in “your” community because that same community who is all about fighting against the majority oppressors in power actually has their own set of norms and majority opinions and tends to cast out other oppressed people that should be accepted in the community but because they don’t blindlessly follow some arbitrary and problematic opinions they’re now cast out.

I’m bi, I’m a gender conforming woman, deal with it?

[artofaboythatoncewas]

Vacation Resorts 1

Aries: Adare Manor. “Our revenge will be the laughter of our children.” I don’t know who said that, but me makes me wanna act ballistically. «And why do you suspect that phrases like these trigger a response within you?» <Réamoinn pauses for a moment, stretches their arms into the air while using this opportunity to crack their knuckles further.> I honestly don’t know. I know saying ’I don’t know’ is a copout, but… «There’s no such thing as a copout here; this is a therapy session.» Right, right, but I feel like this is highly transactive, and I’m not offering anything of value: There’s “nothin’ in me noggin” as my mum used to say. «Well, just understand that not having the right thoughts available at the pristine moment is a perfectly normal thing in sessions, so don’t beat yourself up over it… However, I will inform you that I only have so much time for a single session of an entire day, so the more time you spend, the more you should ensure that your words are, uh, ‘quality over quantity’ as we say.» [,] <Réamoinn slouches to the side of the therapeutic sofa and begins to do that weird quirk where they jitter randomly: Likely an operative test of the body’s stimulate functions.> «Are you shivering? You look like you’re shivering; are you cold?» Aye, no. A thermostat’s not gonna heal the cold of my heart, doc. «Uh-huh, and what do you mean by the “cold of my heart”?» I thought the simile was obvious, but it basically means that I feel as if my ability to change things by myself has frozen over, and now I need something external to thaw it out of its icy state. «That sounds quite dramatic, so it must be a real detriment for you, I’m guessing.» Oh, you don’t know the extent of it, doc. You feel like a human time-capsule: Absolutely divorced from any power you have in the present to do something about the pit you’re being sucked into, and you have to accept it because there’s literally nothing you can do but wait for time to change your situation. «You know, I think what you’re describing is really applicable to a lot of other people.» I don’t doubt it, aye.

Gemini: Awanjiwo. <Thinking to themselves> I spilt goat’s milk all over my transistor, but it’s not like I needed that anyways: There’s a map of this entire scheme in my head, and it’ll be relevant so long as I keep using it. <A sudden change of psyche emerges> I could’ve given this back to that poor boy I saw earlier who had nothing for entertainment other than rusty cans, dirty footballs, and his flesh and blood companions. That kid could’ve grown to appreciate the internal workings of the radio, and who knows what education he could pursue after that… That kid could’ve became a stellar engineer! He could’ve founded the cure for cancer, mild discomfort, or working in general! No, what I decided to do with my time on Earth was keep something to myself that I never really needed: How will that reflect in eons when I’m gone? I won’t be relevant after that, but it still matters in the moment, right? But why does the ’moment’ matter; what even is the moment? Does anybody else experience the ‘moment’ differently? <A bird comes by to lick up the milk, now spilling onto the cabin floor: Rambling ensues in Truce’s mind as they contemplate why they’re here and what the radio’s dysfunction means for the ripples of the future.> [,] <A distant yelling is heard across the beach, and like that, all of Truce’s tangents cease and they perk their ears towards the sound.> Oi, what the bloody hell was that? <The signals become louder and resemble static more and more, beginning to overstimulate Truce.> Aargh, cut that crap out! Who the goddamn hell is there and why are they loud! <Truce’s hand-radio starts crackling, making them pick it up and inspect it. Suddenly, a rather clear transition comes through.> «Truce! Yes, you: The Truce who just came here from the western tip of Japen Island. Come in… Respond to me! I can see you right through my binoculars.» Then what’s the purpose of using the damn radio? Just yell at me if you’re that close for Christ’s sake. Lord knows you’re not the first stalker I’ve dealt with in my life. Fuck off, will you? […] «I mean regardless, we’re at a plane-crash site not far from where you currently are, so we’re at least worth interacting with, right?.» <Truce sets up a makeshift fire.> Yeah, get back to me before the plastic I melted collapses my lungs. <Truce throws his radio two feet out from him.>

Scorpio: Hanhwa Resort Seorak Sorano. Now, I interact with a lot of weird counselors every day, but the one I remember the best was from last year, and their name was Sonnim: They were short (as far as I’d know compared to my view), they’d always show up at the weirdest times, and they were always bossy but she said she’s like that because “you need to balance prohibited and bad behavior.” She made a big deal out of the most silly things, and I always wanted to say to her that I wasn’t really hurting anyone by doing it, so it’s not really bad. It’s worse because she also punishes me when I do truly hurtful things: She’s consistent! <Juyeon kicks her legs into the air from her spot on the bench, flicking one of her shoes off and narrowly hitting another kid.> It gets worse when I try to talk to her about it: She doesn’t seem to like honesty. <A cohort of red squirrels gather around Juyeon’s position at the recess bench.> Did I mention she’s short? I know my mom told me not to mock people for their height, but boy, she is short. I mean, I’m short even compared to other girls, but I take one glance at her and she makes me feel more confident about myself. <Juyeon kicks her legs into the air a second time, this time her other shoe remains on while the contrast between that and her shoeless foot is still present.> I’m bored… I don’t know, I think I liked it better before when there was less politics in all of it: It was about the raw fun of it all. <One of the squirrels from earlier returns to Juyeon after she kicked up an acorn beneath her feet with acorn in its cheeks: It stares down her contemplative reflection for a solid amount of time before moving onto another site in the playground.> Those weren’t even the worst parts of the whole thing… <Daylight fades and a moody night envelopes the sky: Colors start to glisten intensely as the emotions become stronger.> I don’t think she was even justified despite what she always told me. She was pretty mean all things considered. I remember her saying to me once “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”, and I respond with “I don’t kiss my mom on the lips if that’s what you mean; that’s gross.” <Electricity surges through the landscape which now looks like a mental breakdown visually translated. That one red squirrel from earlier races against the corruption with great finesse: This scene seems to be one of trauma, but that isn’t the case. All that’s there is just profound confusion.>

Capricorn: White Point Beach Resort. I hate just hearing the word “neat” in response to something positively eventful happening in my life, like showcasing the class a odd and interesting fact: “Odd and interesting” being the phrase I ingrained into myself to make me feel better. Just saying the word “neat” provokes an emotional response so barren and dreadful that one might as well not have said anything. There’s no desire to dig deeper into the cave of knowledge presented in front of people, and it’s especially more insulting when you discover that cave for them. I present my work to other people because I want to hear their perspectives too, but not everybody’s inclined to give their own unique perspective: If only they understood how truly irreplaceable and ephemeral it is, then they’d take stronger advantage of it… Back to how much I hate the word “neat”, if I just wanted to hear a word that invokes such a boring and unemotional character, like myself, then I would just recite what I think my character is in a mirror, like myself. What’d be more imaginative is the filler of words you’d usually associate with cussing, also conveniently monosyllabic, like “shit”, “cunt”, “fuck”, or “merde” if you’re feeling poignant. These words imply an insulting quality, but that’s arguably more unique than the thousands of “neats” I hear that become unique in their own collective nature. [,] I have no other emotions besides founded frustration and unfounded frustration, and that’s one painful polarity to define your life by, right? Good thing I don’t do that: Why would I? [,] If you’re gonna ask whether or not I know I sound like an asshole, I do. I think I do, but the subjective values of what makes someone an asshole are flipping my judgment to and fro. [,] I… I’m growing exhausted by all of this: It must be because of my exhaustive personality or the fact that this music is far too energetic for the situation at hand… Perhaps it’s because I camped out in freezing weather last night? No, my body is too resistant to the cold for something like that. [,] Am I in the wrong here? Nah, my students need to understand the value of liberal education through the brutality of its strict twin.

[siirkaian]

its about time i actually started designing the antagonists instead of just daydreaming about where the protags occasionally meet them

i dont generally put warnings here but. some talk of suicide below def. worth the heads up............ the read more is just because its Fucking Long tho lmao

this one has actually been slightly fleshed out in my mind? they dont have a name yet, and its hard to know what Rank they are since ive been moving the story away from violence and A Coming War for a few reasons, most recent one being my friends story (tho they dont know about mine) has gone down the route of having a war at the end.. mostly tho i want to explore telling a good and worthwhile story without a focus on just who can beat up the other team better. The main protag Barren, for example, im bringing down the route of using their visions and ability to see inside peoples minds (in cryptic, symbolic landscapes and stuff) to take down people from the inside out, generally by working through their reasoning and traumas and whatnot to enable them to see clearer and with more empowerment........  and then one protag (Kindle) who joins later knows how to fight, and the third protag (Stardust) keeps them out of trouble, but later reveals that, well, spoilers that have already been seen a million times, hes actually one of the gods who fought in the huge war that happened in the past, and when thats revealed its when he has to fight again but......... he avoids it due to carrying the trauma and issues surrounding that war, as well as his own virulent self doubt and self hatred. so. this character to get back to the point? Wouldve been like a general or something, but im not sure how far I want to take them away from that, maybe to being a high priestex or something? the gods are supremely important to the story, and, spoilers, the main goal of the main antagonist is to bring back the original creator deity of the world, Siirka

I actually have a lot of appreciation for this particular antagonist character, they werent involved with Barren’s mistreatment when Barren was raised in their city by their masters so..... Theyre very much blinded to whats going on, I guess when youre raised in a city which glorifies what the leaders are doing and you get the chance to work for them, and you havent seen the depths of their evil youre going to work extra hard and...... push little red flags out of your mind............ They were extremely loyal and fully or. Mostly. on board with everything happening that they were told about, and worked super fuckin hard to get to the rank theyre at, always pushing boundaries and training and improving and grasping for any sort of genuine praise and signs theyre doing good that they can get, wanting to do their absolute best for the cause and. be worth something to someone. it gets very obsessive, especially as doubts and red flags start actually encroaching on their goals

As Barren and co start causing more trouble, this character’s storyline actually develops separate to the protags. Definitely influenced by them and their continuous defying of the antagonists, which doesnt plant seeds in their mind but waters the ones that are there....... They start realising things arent as peachy and golden as everyone was teaching them it was, they realise their betters either dont really know what theyre doing or may have selfish intentions, or, god forbid, intentions that could land everyone in a fucktonne of trouble - basically all the views they were raised on start having major cracks and Plot Holes in them and they have to come to terms with that. They do a lot of inner work struggling both with their crumbling view of reality and with the fight between either breaking it down more or trying to patch it up with lies, the sort of lies that even the person telling them doesnt know are lies. They get more and more frantic, more detached from reality as much as they try to hold on, struggling with their own identity and with dissociation, and with their mental state unravelling under stress and the inversion of what they were taught as right being morally dangerous, and what they were told to hate being morally good, until finally their boss is killed to further the protag’s goals......... before the protagonists can get to him............ by them. and then they end their own life to prevent themselves being tortured and imprisoned by their masters. I had a scene in mind where the protag’s spend a little arc trying to get to him because they need to take him out, and this character knows theyre coming, so the protags finally get to him at night and find him dead with this character standing over him. They get a brief chat before telling the protags to run, that theyll take the blame for it and the protags will get away without being harmed if they go quick enough, and then they step out of the window BUT its very fuckin important that its made clear that theyre left with no choice - or, more importantly, that theyve finally made their own moral choice in life with their own mind and own feelings - that theyre in their right mind/not acting on despair and need to go before theyre captured - both for theirself but also so they cant be interrogated and have no chance to spill that the protags were there. They basically redeem all the bloodshed and indoctrination theyve had a hand in - and oh, i forgot this bit of important context. Because of the whole staying away from violence thing, they do it to redeem themselves, to stop at least their boss spreading anymore shit, partially also to get revenge for all the lies and stuff, but also importantly because they dont want that on the protag’s conscious. They can handle it, and since they intend to die, they will bring it to their own grave. Death happens rarely in the story, because I want it to be as heavy and serious and soul-destroying as it is irl. They do the traumatising act of having to kill someone and live with the blame because theyve already planned out that they’re going to die to avoid capture. 

Im really.......... wary of portraying suicide in Siirkaia but given Stardust is heavily implied to be back from the dead (having the god of death, Mercy’s, black hair which only he has, though for most of the story its ambiguous as to whether hes working for or is Mercy ((its neither they were lovers lmao))) and Barren and Kindle’s mother Inferno also killed herself its............... im just gonna have to cave and realise im gonna need to address it. I mean, the protags already show (as being the grandchildren/children of and a suicide victim) that its a fuckin tragedy not a solution to anything, but, look. the story is intricately tied to my own mental health and thats shit ive dealt with for years so its going in the melting pot baybey! Also. as if i will EVER write this....... but i still want however i portray it to make clear that..... its a fuckin tragedy and honestly Not The Right Choice IMO

Basically, as a character theyre very hardworking, very Very ambitious, slightly obsessive, and i guess Unhinged because oh boy i am just giving out free personal issues to these characters huh. Their story is ideally going to be a bit more fleshed out than the other antags, because theyre meant to be a bit of the protags in that side of the story. Theyre like.... a case study in the complex and not black/white concept of redemption. The Demos, the people of the story, are at their core defined by submission and being led to terrible things. They were all originally created by the terrible god of life and chaos Siirka to be entertainment. Siirka had passed by Earth and took a liking to the pain and suffering of humanity, specifically loving the way they scream, and so built a fake Earth out of his own substance/power (in universe his body and hair) that was an unoriginal almost exact copy of Earth with.... absent details, like all the animal species being just identical copies of one example of each species, in all white, and a submissive race that looked like humans so that he could rule over them..... The Demos have since been taken from Siirka’s reign, since Siirka was banished in a war by Mercy and the trio of Stardust/Moonshine/Midnight (Siirkaia until i change it roughly translating to “Siirka’s absence”/”no Siirka”/etc), but its still central to the story of the world that the Demos are susceptible to being taken advantage of - though strangely they arent Super different to humans - and to being oppressed, since thats what they were made to be............. Like, Cool Backstory Bro, but its central to everything, it represents whats happening now both metaphorically and literally, the race thats susceptible to being betrayed and used is now starting to be betrayed and used again. Cycles of abuse continuing, learning the worth of the spirit, thats all the story of Siirkaia. The protags of the story represent the spreading empowerment, thats what Mercy gave to the Demos, the power to choose, to exist, to create your own path........ And this character represents that right to choose. Theyre a flower beginning to bloom in a garden full of frost. Theyre hope, and hope taking root and being received and acted on, showing that even if your actions just help one person they were worthwhile. Of course other Demos receive that enlightenment, but this character represents the hope in the Demos, but also the “good” in the “evil”, that, while most of the antagonists’ actions are unforgivable at worst and in no way exempt from criticism at best, theres a reason people are driven to do evil things, and theres a lot of corruption of the mind and personality that happens to drive people to those points. People can act in horrible ways, but its always for a reason, whether its their own trauma or not....  Even “I wanted to” has heavy implications of reasons behind it. This character is one of the few that did the work to begin to escape the cycles they were born into and its important they have their part in the story be heard

as much as i want them to be understood by everyone, as a schizotypal person i see that most people............ do not even try to Start understand people they find slightly odd, so making them “understandably mad” as in showing them show some of the Odd traits of being detached from reality/humanity with the reasons those things come about, and, you know, with the appreciation that its not just “ooo crazy random, unpredictable, youll never know what theyll do next!!” its....... actions that just seem different to those who dont do those actions..... Either way, however i push their character in regards to being misunderstood, i really want their end to be understood, or rather. I want them to be understood in the end. Barren can be incredibly empathetic and understanding, id really love for their final moments to be..... mutual? They did what had to be done for things to change and get better, and in the moments where they meet Barren/Kindle/SD, they finally get seen for what they are, they finally get seen as an entity beyond all the lies pushed onto them, a person who was led astray, who had the goodness in their heart and found the strength to multiply it, to try and right their wrongs, who was, although it looks on the outside like they had it all, actually been manipulated and mistreated by their higher ups and used as a pawn so they didnt have to get their hands dirty, they could just pass on the work to someone else. I really want them to, while they cant really be redeemed because of the damage thats been done, have a few moments of actual peace at the end of their story

.............................or maybe they could run away with the main trio lmao but no, that cant........ really happen because of the important dynamics and the personal (as in interpersonal not about me) nature of the protags and also. while i want the Demos to be revived again at the end, they do get swept away into Siirka’s hair when hes brought back through the big boss of the antags, Ka-UrenKa-, oo spoilers. so. i dont really know if i want to kill a protagonist it seems cheap (the main trio survive because they werent made by siirka........... literally a long fuckin story) because. at current, Siirka being brought back happens out of nowhere, and while the audience technically know its coming should they piece together the symbolism of Barren’s visions, its supposed to be unexpected and. idk man. 

anything else? Oh yeah i think they were originally conceptually conceived to Brutus by the Buttress so you fucking KNOW that i couldve skipped ALL this writing just to put that song in but hey. i would say its their theme song but while inspo was taken from theme and lyrics its actually not accurate to their life beyond a few lines?? and also the overall fucking Mood

[innocencelives]

thinking about this post i made, especially the last paragraph. i just fell in love with this song called send my love to john by rina sawayama, its written from the perspective of an immigrant mother to their queer child. it describes them moving away from their home country, away from their family, changing their name, to give their child a better life. however they cant accept their child as queer, but eventually regret it, and then they see how their partner makes them happy, and how they give them the love she didnt give. without being able to vocally tell them how sorry she is, she says “send my love to john”, addressing their childs partner, a quiet acknowledgment of their sons queerness.

in the song there is a line, “we both had to leave our mothers, to get the things we want”, its really sticking with me. the idea of intergenerational trauma is so..tangible to me. having this multifaceted, sort of third person/birds eye view perspective of my family. obviously the song speaks of a vastly different scenario to mine, but the sentiment is so powerful. it acknowledges these traumas, these similar abuses, similar themes in life, similar struggles, that pass down from parents to children, from children to grandchildren. often a childs reaction to their parents toxicity creates a different toxicity for their own children. you can draw these red-string-lines across a 100 years. in understanding your trauma, you can then understand the generational path that led to it, and therefore break the cycle.

over my years of trauma recovery i have dealt with the most intense, visceral anger towards my parents, obviously my dad. now its no longer anger, its not depression either. to see the trail of abuse through my family i dont feel anger towards any of them, i just feel so, so sorry. they all deserved better. i remember as a kid i laughed at my dads stories of bullying, of humiliation from his parents and peers. his traumas were either jokes, or completely unspoken. my grandparents had another child who died of cancer at a young age, they had always loved him more than my dad. when they died, my grandparents couldnt love my dad. the stories of him being spanked in public, or being tied up after school by bullies, i see that now. my mom told me a story once- my father got home from school and their was no one even to let him in the house, they couldnt care for him, they were so consumed with grief. my dad had to use the bathroom in his backyard- he was eventually basically raised by his neighbors. those are the traumas i know of, but in his marriage to my mom i could see other patterns. she was a matriarch, she dictated everything, he was subservient to her. we all were really.

i think about how he must have felt a lack of control. people suggest a reason for sexually abusing a child could be because an abuser needs to feel power, needs to have control. it just sounded like my dad never had any control, he was always subservient to somebody. i saw this deep sadness in the way he looks at the floor, in his eyes. nothing can excuse what he did to me, but in my speculation of why he could have done this, i see his pain.

since my relationship with my dad is so complicated, i can only feel empathy and grief towards him. but to my grandpa, my zeide, i feel intensely connected to. it feels like no trauma alive can compare to surviving the holocaust. ive heard bits and pieces of his story, he spoke to many many audiences over the years about his story, how he survived. its too horrifying to put in words; ill never ever know what that was really like. but he made it, he got out of it, he moved to america, he started a successful fabric business! he married, had a kid, and that kid was my father.

i cant imagine what that does to a person. well fuck i guess i can? i didnt survive the holocaust, but i saw horrors no one should witness. hes passed now, but i feel him with me. god that makes me want to cry. he was never really there when i knew him, he had progressed alziehmers before i was even born. i guess the person i feel so connected to right now wasnt the 80 year old retired silk business owner, but the teenager in Treblinka. he got out, he did it, he survived it, and made a life for himself! i can only hope to do the same. but it stuck with him, of course it did, how could it not. even if he decided never to speak a word of it, it was there- like a poison.

both of them are like ghosts hanging over me, the sins of yesteryear affecting every move i make. all i can ever dream of is to leave it behind. thats not the right phrase for it, you cant leave that behind. you have to hold it, love it, care for it, understand it, protect it. if i am ever to live a life unburdened by tragedy, i have to set us free.

“we both had to leave our mother, to get the things we want,

so send my love, send my love to john”

i just saw a post in the BPD subreddit asking about people who were older with BPD. and alot of them still struggled but, ya know there working in a pizza shop, had a few break ups, maybe divorced or so, maybe with an estranged kid that there trying to get to know better. idk it made me think about, me growing old with cptsd. something i felt, made my life unlivable-i was sure that it was the end of me, and i was okay with that.

its helped me so much to integrate it into my identity in a way; its part of who i am, it will always be. its like this pet that follows me through my whole life, some days hurt more than others, there always there, but im at peace with them.

i noticed that more than ever when i started to feel empathy for my abusers in a way. for so long the healthiest thing was to be mad at them, and i firmly beleive your an asshole if you tell someone with cptsd to forgive your abusers. it really is the last step, after youve cried every tear. you can hold it and release yourself. my parents were good and bad, now i can see that even that rapist son of a bitch was doing the best he could with the circumstances given.

i know just how he feels, to live burdened by abuse. and he ended up on the path he did, and i chose a different one. i feel like i have this, 3D view of my generational trauma. like that movie mirai!! or moon knight, or ms marvel. i can see my grandpa at the gates of a concentration camp, i can see my dad getting beat up by classmates outside his high school. i can see it so clearly. i take all of their trauma, all of their pain, all of their anguish, all of the horror they bore witness to, the atrocities both personal and systematic, i see the pain in their eyes just as i saw it in mine. i take all of that, i hold it in my heart, and i let it go.

[scripttraumasurvivors]

1/3)Hello! I have two main characters in my story, both being abused. A is under constant pressure to be perfect in everything he does. If he makes a mistake, his father whips him, however, it’s rare he makes a mistake. Otherwise, his father barely sees him (they are rich and live in a big house). B is hit or hurt almost daily, has a barely there father, an alcoholic mother, and a brother who does drugs and sometimes he has to go get the drugs or alcohol. Otherwise, he’s ignored, verbally

2/3)abused, etc. I’m worried about B’s situation coming off as being worse than A’s. Also having trouble with coming up with problems for A to face due to the abuse other than having to change in the locker room early one day because of the marks. But B does that almost daily. I want A’s situation to be seen as just as bad as B’s even though the type of abuse and frequency and economic classes are different. Or should I not make them out to be equally bad? Or should I just not worry about it and

3/3)and let it come out how it comes? Should how they suffer be different since the abuse is different?

——-

Unfortunately, people are probably can read their own biases into the ‘how bad is it’ situation, no matter what you write.

I am personally against ranking traumas. Mostly because I’ve seen it play out too many times in real life with survivors who will never believe their trauma is bad enough.

But yes, because of frequency and additional types of abuse- most people are going to view B’s situation as worse.

Also, in general, they should probably suffer differently. Even if A and B went through the exact same problem- 

People are different. They react to trauma differently. It’s why I can’t answer the question ‘my character went through _______ abuse, what are their most likely symptoms?’ because that isn’t how trauma works.

Not in my experience.

We might instinctually assume that someone who was sexually abused is going to have body issues and someone who was emotionally abused has no reason to-

but someone who is sexually abused might still love their body. Might have no issue being seen naked. Might relish in it, in fact.

And someone who was emotionally abused, even if the abuse was not focused on their appearance, might have issues with the vulnerability that comes attached. 

I mean, I’m sure there are stats out there that tell those things. I even did a survey at one point with… I think 500+ responses. I could, reasonably, compile that data and show ‘sexual abuse survivors who I surveyed had flashbacks 90% of the time and physical abuse survivors only had then 80% of the time.’

But a. most of the people who I worked with at that time were multi-abuse survivors. It was extremely rare I dealt with someone who just went through a single kind of abuse and b. that wasn’t the point when I did the survey. My point was to show people that survivors of all types can show a variety of symptoms.

And even if I did compile that information. Even if I did find the stats from another researcher-

If everyone followed that information because they saw it,

we’d have a lot of the same survivor characters and that is something I’m very against.

Character A might have a lot of perfectionist ideals. They might even force those on people they love. Or not force, but view them through that lense. 

Character A might be terrified of being seen making a mistake, to the point of hiding it. 

Take a few people I knew that for instance, never had to do chores while they were at home because their families were much the ‘study every hour and get perfect grades’ types. Who even though it wasn’t a grade issue- got to college and were terried to let people know that they screwed up doing laundry or the dishes. 

Character A might have panic attacks, intrusive thoughts of worthlessness, nightmares. They might deal with cognitive distortions. Black and white thinking. Catastrophic thinking.

Character B could deal with any of those things as well. But you seem to be struggling more with the possibilities of what Character A might deal with. 

Hopefully that helps a bit,

TS

[nayeon-sadly-owns-me]

Mini-series post

For those who are returning to my mini-series Analogy/Review/Recap(?) of Gold Dust, thanks for reading! For those who haven’t read my Part One post about Gold Dust, I highly advised you do because you probably just end up lost and confused.

The same promises I made in the first post carry on to this one. I split Chapter 2 into two posts because its too lengthy to talk about in one shot. As usual this is a warning that I write A LOT. Enjoy~

Part Two-

First half of chapter 2

Spoilers beyond this point

Miscommunication is often an incredible frustrating trope used by writers to create drama. On the surface, Nayeon expresses self-hatred because she has led herself to believe that Momo needs normal and that means she needs her as a friend. Her past habits (being a manipulative soul eater basically) have led her to a place where she feels like anything she does is impure and undeserving of Momo. Meanwhile, Momo’s feelings have broken the surface of being romantic, only wanting to be friends with Nayeon because she truly believes that Nayeon doesn’t like her like that. With her inferiority complex, she can’t see herself deserving of Nayeon.

You might think to yourself, how can Momo think of herself as undeserving when she is an angel sent from above and Nayeon has already labeled herself as Satan. Well, remember that Momo has lived her life alone with neglectful parents who out right abandoned her when she was around the age of 11 (Maybe 12). When you’re forced to live such a lonely life, anybody who makes an effort to change that (Nayeon) becomes a precious person. Momo has seen her at her worst, but because she has convinced herself that she can’t be greedy with Nayeon, choses to look past those flaws and see the good in her. So, when Nayeon has her freak outs, Momo can only blame herself because she can’t contemplate that it just might be Nayeon being irrational and it will pass.

With as much internal trauma that these two have generated for themselves, the concept of drama coming from miscommunication can no longer be applied. Instead it becomes a journey of when they will finally come to a place where they start to understand the depths of each other’s issues and how they can finally talk about it. I wouldn’t expect this for a while though.

Trauma is hard to talk about much less unspoken trauma that has had years to fester and stick. It’s why I never felt a usual ping of annoyance over watching the cycle (that I mentioned last part) repeat itself because we could gain something new from each scene and watch the characters grow. These characters might never come to a complete understanding but to a place of acceptance, and that’s what makes it worth wild to watch them go from start to finish.

With all that said, we open up with Nayeon engaging in one of her older habits, drinking away any leftover taste of Momo. We get to witness another turning point, where her relationship with Momo (loosely term based) has now overridden her previous destructive habits. Despite the fact that Wine is known for its lingering taste, Nayeon’s brain has convinced itself that it can’t drown out the taste of Spearmint. Think of it as- Nayeon is trying to drink herself to forget, but the thought of Momo makes it impossible to do.

She has to come to terms with the fact that Momo isn’t a presence that will go away with time. If anything, it only gets stronger as time progresses. The 10 or so years she spent trying to destroy herself enough so no one else can is now slowly being minded. When you’ve dealt with severe self-hatred for that long, any idea of change can be alarming at best. Change that a person didn’t ask for can be even worse.

So Nayeon has to decide a new strategy to battle against Momo because now she is starting to remember what it’s like to feel and not just live to cause destruction.

She thinks of it as her being caught in a trap, unable to break free so she goes for her last-ditch addiction. Except Momo has already beaten her to it. Gum has become a personified version of what Nayeon has come to identify as the Momo addiction. Momo replacing the cigarette with a piece of gum is a representation of how Momo wants her to pick up a new habit to replace smoking.

Instead of smoking a cigarette that could be anywhere, she gives into her impulse and chews the gum instead. Because if Momo is in the equation, Nayeon will always choose her over anything else.

The next scene starts with Nayeon determined to stop things between them. It doesn’t last long because she sees Momo waiting with the recovered book in hand and a cute injured face. It reminds her how much she does care.

Momo begins to hint at her feelings, claiming that she can’t forget the fact that they have fucked each other in 2 separate locations. This leads to Nayeon realizing that Momo had never done anything like that before.

The panic that Nayeon expresses goes back to the games she played with Jihyo and Jeongyeon when sex was just a tool. With Momo it wasn’t. It’s a feeling that she took advantage of her like she did with the others. She views Momo as too pure and now she feels like she has tainted her because she doesn’t feel good enough to be her first.

Even when Momo is trying to express the fact that she liked it but will go back to the way things were before, Nayeon won’t have it because it simply goes against what she believes is the truth. When Momo leaves, all she has left is her habit of smoking and an empty feeling.

Seungyeon plays a much more outgoing role this chapter than her quiet role in the first one. She has Nayeon explaining that she spent years wishing she was dead only to get over it 2 years ago by fucking up other people’s lives. Seungyeon brings up that previously, Nayeon was at 98% of the ‘I-want-to-die’ scale, back when things were bumpy but not as rough as now with Momo. It gives insight that since Momo has entered her life, her will to live has increased even if only slightly.

The painting of the mother-child that Nayeon hates is a good symbol for the hatred she has for her own mother. There is not enough context about the sunrise/sunfall painting to clarify if it means anything other than it meaning another day is coming/ending. It might remind her of a tomorrow, one that she doesn’t deserve.

“Because destroying something that makes you uncomfortable is so much easier than giving yourself a chance to like it, right?” is a good analogy given that it perfectly describes her reaction towards Momo. Although only the audience can really comprehend that.

Nayeon not wanting to be at 100% can testify that there is something that’s keeping her here. Whether it is Momo or her dad, we can only assume.

They say that when you’re intoxicated you say and do things that you actually want to do. Nayeon seeking out Momo is exactly what sober Nayeon would do if she didn’t have her self-created mess to consider. In the meantime, we have Momo dealing with the fact that she is overloading over feeling like it was her fault the team lost and her fault that Nayeon doesn’t want her back because now the idea that Momo likes Nayeon has reached the surface.

Intoxicated Nayeon breaks her out of her head and Momo is left to take her back home. Her dedication to Nayeon can know no bounds because she has chosen Nayeon as her person. Momo is good about blocking out Nayeon, it’s only when Nayeon returns that she breaks because that’s her person, she just can’t leave her. Momo will come to her aid no matter if it is temporary or permanent.

We get our first meeting between the maid and Momo. Their interactions are detailed as Momo being no one important, hoping to be someone important, and then finally introducing herself as Momo. This form of repetition is used to show how their relationship changes from indecisive to intimate.

Despite all that Nayeon has done, Momo still values her wishes (although false ones) higher than her own by requesting that she be properly looked after before walking away again.

Although Momo has never talked about Momo extensively outside her conversations with her dad and Sana/Jisoo/Jennie, she still breaks Im Nayeon character by allowing her maid to talk about her. We get mentions of her violent nature as the standard, but she remains calm and composed as she listens to her maid talk about how much Momo cares about her. When Nayeon is thinking rationally, Momo is definitely her source of calmness.

Instead of snark, Nayeon responds with insecurity that we have only seen her show in front of her dad (and to a small degrees, Momo). This leads to Nayeon coming to the realization that the more they are apart, the more they become unstable. It’s a relationship that screams out toxic and yet they’re better when they are with each other. The creation of such a complex relationship like this is really hard to do. In order to come up with a solution that will abide by her previous misdoings and her need to stop the pain from being away from Momo, she decides that friendship is what they both need.

By just being a friend, she has herself believing that she isn’t treating Momo like the girls in her past. That she is doing what Momo wants because she can’t fathom why Momo would want anything else with her. I say that she decides this, because Momo would go with whatever she thinks is right. Because expressing her feelings makes her feel like she’s asking for too much especially from Nayeon.

Momo had made an off-hand comment about how reading makes her sleepy. So, strategically, Momo making the library her new spot could make perfect sense because it would be the last place Nayeon would look. Except, I think that Momo chose the library because it reminds her of the safe feeling she had while reading the crime mystery novels with Nayeon.  It’s because of the days spent reading that she came to see a brighter side of Nayeon, so she can’t easily throw that away. Think of it as Momo trying to appease the side of her that wants to be with Nayeon. Like how she walked Nayeon home even though it ends with Momo asking if Nayeon wants to her to forget they ever met (Nayeon agreeing and Momo walking away).

We get to see Momo make it crystal clear that Nayeon can’t keep saying that she doesn’t want to be around her but then come back a few days later. It goes back to Momo requesting Nayeon show her something real. She wants Nayeon to use her words and mean them. On the other hand, Nayeon has spent the last 10 years learning how to lie in order to keep people away from her. It marks the first time that Momo begs her to say what she really wants, and Nayeon not doing it out of being self-conditioned to say otherwise.

Instead she tries again at Momo’s house because her need to be with Momo has now exceeded any need to be the self-proclaiming loner bitch that she use to be.

She finds Momo in her brooding position (arms wrapped around knees- Also real life’s Nayeons iconic picture taking pose but that’s irrelevant here). It’s the first time that Nayeon gets to see the result of her actions. Nayeon made herself believe that Momo was more put together just because she had never seen her crumble before. A reaction bad enough that Momo had missed group session previously.

We see Nayeon finally come to terms with the fact that she can’t say things she doesn’t mean. When she is indecisive with her words or says things she doesn’t mean- it’s like a reminder of the games she used to play on people in the past.

We get our glimpse at Momo’s fragile state from how desperate she is for normality. You can also say that Nayeon misinterprets it for wanting normality in their relationship when Momo means it in general. Thinking that she needs someone close when in reality Momo could mean having the ability to make friendships/acquaintances and watch them end (or leave) naturally without experiencing extreme bouts of self-loathing.

If there is any evidence that Nayeon just wants to be friends, it certainly doesn’t show in the fact that she thinks about when they had sex. A lot. (But of course, she’s trying to be a better person in her own way.)

Normality leads them to a coffee shop where they try to act like they’re completely normal people. Except they aren’t.

This was one of those times that I had to silently cheer for Momo because she’s getting more comfortable asking questions without fearing that Nayeon will walk straight out the door. It’s also a testimony to how serious Nayeon is about this when she instantly declines the idea of going back to how things were before the whole ‘we kinda fucked and liked it oops?’.

It is also easy to understand how Nayeon can get so wrapped up on the ‘just friends’ thing when she is gaging Momo’s reaction to her claiming there wouldn’t be baggage and messing around. Seeing as Momo agrees, specifically saying that “This is what I want” creates a moral compass for Nayeon to make sure that she gets what she wants.

Reading becomes their common ground for spending time with each other without having to worry about overstepping boundaries. It’s only natural that now Nayeon has to get the best mystery book she can find for Momo and pretend that she has no idea what its about so she can see her get excited. Why stop with books when she can also get her the best new pair of boots she can find because believe it or not footwear is very important when it comes to soccer. (Believe me ive played in worn out cleats, that shit can destroy your feet.) (Also its totally because she wants to make Momo happy anyway she can now.)

Their relationship is awkward at best, but if this ‘friendship’ was portrayed as smooth sailing I would call bs. Ultimately, Stormy made good writing decisions when it came to showing that they can be friends while also reminding the readers that honestly their feelings for each other are founded on a need to be around each other and finding a way to be good enough to be with said person. The pacing is also just right. It’s not fast enough that it feels like important details are being left out, mentioning’s of their relationship not being in the ‘correct’ order as a ‘normal’ relationship.

It is also not slow enough that you start to feel frustrated that they aren’t together yet. Because from the start of this chapter there has always been a romantic tension of “When will they…”. For a 2 chapter fic, with the first kiss happening at the end of the first chapter, it feels surprisingly like a slow burn relationship but without the dreadfully slow pacing and the multichapters of them brooding over not being together.

Because Momo is not use to people doing good deeds for her, she has a hard time swallowing the fact that Nayeon is willing to pay for such an expensive item that she, herself, won’t actually be using. We get a taste of what Momo is like when she has shut down mentally when not even Nayeon can reach her until they are alone.

While reading this, I began to think that Momo was going to actively decide to protest against the top of the line shoes (maybe go for lower quality, thinking as Momo- I would think that I deserved those more) but was pleasantly surprised by the rush of emotion that Momo shows her. It felt very natural in how awkward it initially feels but how genuine a moment it grows to become. Nayeon may blow it off as no big deal, but it is a very big deal to Momo. She might not understand it then, but she will eventually.

We get our first Jeongyeon appearance of the chapter. In my last part, I initially discussed how I wasn’t sure of her stance in what her motives were. True to my word, I gotta update it because I’ve settled for the fact that Jeongyeon doesn’t have any malicious plans If anything, it’s because of how rightfully cautious she is of Nayeon. Jeongyeon brings up an incident that happened before Nayeon came into the picture, an incident that made Jeongyeon care about her much later on but ill mention it now.

I don’t know what that incident was but we can guess that because Momo’s therapist is Jeongyeons sister- that Jeongyeon is responsible for her going to therapy (much like Nayeon indirectly brings up the fact that Jeongyeon probably brought up her issues to JYP to use to get her into therapy too). Meaning, the incident happened two years ago. Or Jeongyeon only just convinced her to go to therapy two years ago. Honestly we just don’t know enough for a concrete theory, just a suspicion.

Either way we see how cautious she is talking to Momo because she has seen her at her lowest and doesn’t want to see her that way again. Because of how much of a broken state Nayeon got her in, it’s only human that she believes that Nayeon is trying to do the same thing to Momo. She doesn’t know the amount of time they’ve spent together or the long monologues they’ve dedicated to each other in their thoughts. Dramatic irony is a bitch.

Then again, Nayeon doesn’t know about the situation that Jeongyeon has been in, or that it’s a thing at all. Both sides are kept in the dark when it comes to how much the other thinks the other knows about Momo.

Something that peaked my interest about the whole ‘being nice is weird’ scene for Nayeon is that she assumes Momo is being cautious because of her potentially fucking up. She doesn’t take into account that maybe Momo is being cautious because she’s worried that Nayeon might come to her senses and leave. After all, she still isn’t in a state of mind that believes she’s worthy of having people be kind to her so she keeps her guard up.

For all that they have learned about each other, they are still stuck on the ‘me’ factor of their issues. Progress is progress though, as Seungyeon would say. They can now be more like themselves without worrying that the other will misinterpreted it.

Nayeon is now moving towards treating Momo the opposite of how she treated Jihyo and Jeongyeon. She wants to avoid fucking up her head and keep her from overthinking things until she is running herself ragged from self-loathing. Of course she still has a ways to go before she has shed that skin of hers because she still gives Momo a fight for wanting to run even after practicing for 2 hours. Saving the last bit of snark for when Momo can’t hear her because Nayeon is too aware of how much she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.

It shows that Momo can’t mentally handle confrontation when she jumps to the conclusion that there would be no way Nayeon would wait for her after snapping at her. Its gut-wrenching to know how relieved and surprised she is despite the fact that Nayeon took her stuff.

(For any Fool’s Gold readers- ‘Forgetting something?’ is a callback)

If there is one thing Stormy doesn’t want us to forget, it’s that Momo is Nayeon’s relief when her emotions threaten to topple the surface. Her relationship with her mother is put as a comparison to a loving mother taking care of her child after he slips in the rain. It something that she didn’t have, a kind, caring mother. Instead of relying on an unhealthy habit, she picks up her order and cookie and goes to Momo.

It’s also noticeable that Nayeon waits for a good opportunity to reveal the cookie because she is purposefully trying to catch Momo off-guard in the best way as much as she can now.

As a reader, it’s a good suggestion that they come up with healthy ways to get them back on the healthy, non-destructive mindset. Although they never disclose what Nayeon’s solution would be, we know that the solution is her going to Momo because she never wants her to see her using bad coping mechanisms again.

Because Momo had to carry Nayeon into both her, and Nayeons house, she never got to be properly invited in. It’s hidden symbolism for the fact that Nayeon never invited her into her life. She just showed up and became a crutch for her.

When Momo is asking if she wants to come in, it feels like it’s a request for Nayeon to get closer to her.

Momo’s house is disorganized without any sense of being a family home. Nayeon acknowledges that her house shares a similar lonely feeling except her house is spotless and clean, like nobody has properly lived there yet. A key difference is that Momo has drawings and markers all over the place, showing the kid side in her in contrast to Nayeon’s museum like mansion.

The roof scene is held as one of my top 5 memorable scenes of the chapter, it lets us see the serious damage that Momo’s past has caused her. Although it’s never specifically said, Momo hints about her contemplations of suicide because a journey in the stars sounds more inviting than living in a world where her parents are no where to be found. Nayeon actively tries to swat down those thoughts. In her current state, I don’t think she can mentally handle the idea of Momo no longer being around. If I were to guess, I would say that the importance of Momo being in her life is now approaching the importance of her dad still being around.

If theres anything to say about Nayeon’s possessive feelings about Momo, it’s that she doesn’t want to watch anyone get close to Momo who might be a threat. I think at this point, anyone who isn’t her is a threat. She’s become hypersensitive to what being a user means and has become protective that Momo will never experience that. It’s also a good excuse to cover up the fact that she has a jealous streak.

Stormy gives a nice little throwback to Nayeon’s first time getting Dahyun to reveal Momo’s hiding spot with a date with Sana. Good on you Stormy. Of course Sana is delighted, I can’t help but hope we see this relationship get more fleshed out because of how frequently it gets brought up. Does Sana sleep around to make up for the fact that she can’t get Dahyun the way she wants? Does she even fancy Dahyun at all or is it just a game? We already know Dahyun has a thing for her so this subplot has substance.

Whether it was because of Momo’s comment about not paying attention because she was waiting for Nayeon, or the fact she was in a good mood- she decides that if Momo thinks she needs to run then she should do it too. It again plays into the factor that Nayeon is actively trying to make Momo feel good like happy good, the way she deserves. It’s hard to recall just how terrible of a person she was before she became serious about Momo.

She hasn’t changed, she has just now started to let the other side of her show. While that doesn’t excuse the wrongs that she has done, it doesn’t mark out the good that is still buried deep inside her.

The last scene focused on in this part revolves around the same location that was used in the last chapter. Last chapter, the hill overlooking the city became a place where Nayeon allowed herself to feel, even if it was only for a few minutes with the help of Momo. Instead of it becoming a place of fond memories, it’s now a spot that requires Nayeon to try to not act weird about the fact that Momo fucked her at that same location.

It’s also an intriguing detail thrown in that Momo really can recall every part of that experience as she mentions wanting to pet the golden retriever they saw while doing it. It really does contrast with how down Momo can get because of small moments.

If you thought this part was worth your time (I doubt it) just wait for next part~~

[ramblingsrantsreviews]

Season Review: Never Have I Ever (Netflix, 2020)

I’m a little late to the party since Never Have I Ever released on Netflix on April 27th but there’s just so many amazing shows nowadays that it can be hard to keep up. At least I joined the party!

Co-created by Mindy Kaling and Lang Fisher, Never Have I Ever is Netflix’s latest coming-of-age dramedy to take the world by storm. The show centers around 15-year-old Devi Vishwakumar (Maitreyi Ramakrishnan) who is desperate to change her social status and redeem herself from her disastrous and traumatic freshman year of high school. Let’s just say, the only thing worse than being known as the freshman who lost her dad during a recital is being the girl who lost the ability to walk because her dad died and she went into shock. Just as quickly as she lost the ability to walk, she gained it back and now Devi is determined to redefine herself and make sophomore year her bitch. With her friends by her side, Devi devises a plan to get them boyfriends so they can start climbing the high school social ladder. In addition to her plan, Devi must also learn how to finally grieve her father’s death, deal with her nemesis Ben (Jaren Lewison), and figure out how she’s going to get her crush Paxton (Darren Barnet) to fall in love with her.

In true coming-of-age fashion, the show deals with friendships, crushes, parties, and the general displeasure that comes with being a teenager. It’s cringey, hilarious, heartbreaking, and emotional all at the same time. Plus, it’s a fun and easy binge you can knock out in a day or two if you’re a hardcore binger.

Now, here is my review of Never Have I Ever.

As always, spoilers ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

Favorite Episode: 1×10 — “…Said I’m Sorry”

Season finale episodes can be hit or miss but Never Have I Ever knocked it out of the park. It truly did the impossible by tying up loose ends while still leaving us on a cliffhanger of sorts so that we beg Netflix for a season two.

With the title, “…Said I’m Sorry,” it’s safe to assume that episode 10 is going to be the redemption episode for Davi. What’s so incredible about this episode is that it’s not just Davi who is saying sorry for her actions, everyone around her is. The episode begins at Ben’s house since she has moved in with him so that her mother can’t force her to move to India. When Nalini shows up at Ben’s house Devi is less than pleased. Her displeasure soon turns to anger when Nalini tells Devi that she plans to spread her father’s ashes today, on his birthday. Devi freaks out and refuses to attend because she fears this is another “spring cleaning” attempt so they can go to India.

When Ben finds out that Devi isn’t going to the beach to spread her father’s ashes he springs into action. He convinces Devi’s best friends Fabiola (Lee Rodriguez) and Eleanor (Ramona Young) to put aside their annoyance with Devi and come convince her that she needs to do this with her mother. The girls show up and eventually convince Devi that she needs to do the right thing. Ben offers to take Devi to Malibu and though they face some obstacles, Devi makes it and is able to reconcile with her mother.

Meanwhile, Paxton gets a reality check from his sister Rebecca (Lily D. Moore) and shows up at Devi’s house. When she’s not there he calls and leaves her a voicemail. Devi doesn’t get the message right away though since she discovers Ben waiting for her in the parking lot of the beach. Instead of checking her phone, Devi and Ben kiss.

All of that happens in less than 30 minutes so its a pretty intense episode but an amazing one nonetheless.

As I mentioned above, I love this episode because everyone gets their apology moment.

Devi must first apologize to Fabiola and Eleanor, again, for her shitty behavior. What I love though, is that it’s not just Devi who’s apologizing, Fabiola and Eleanor also recognize that they’ve been a bit unfair to Devi too. One line that really stands out to me is when Eleanor says “just because we aren’t talking doesn’t mean we don’t care about you.” It speaks volumes about what teenage friendship looks like. It’s messy and there will be fights but true friends will always be there for you when needed. And they’ll always be there to call you out on your bullshit and point out harsh realities.

The true emotional moment of this episode comes when Devi and Nalini reconcile on the beach before spreading Mohan’s ashes. While it’s Devi who begins apologizing for her terrible behavior and for telling her mother she wished she had died, it’s Nalini who steals the show by apologizing for making Devi feel like she didn’t love her. It’s the perfect mother-daughter moment for these two and one that is so important because it shows that these two do love each other despite everything they’ve said and been through.

There’s one more apology within this episode, though it’s more subtle. To me, Devi and Ben finally apologize to each other for their years of bickering and nonsense fighting when they kiss in that car. Not only did Ben prove that Devi can count on him in the hard times, but Devi also proved to Ben that she could appreciate his presence.

Least Favorite Episode: 1×06 — “…Been The Loneliest Boy In The World”

Before you yell at me, it’s not what you think. I absolutely adore Ben; in fact, he’s my favorite male character in the show. And I don’t even hate that they decided to give Ben a stand-alone episode, what I hate about it is that it didn’t do anything to further tell us who Ben Gross really is.

The episode, which is narrated by Andy Samberg, opens with Ben on the bus on the way home from the disastrous Model UN event. Not only is he hurt that Devi turned on him causing him to lose, but he’s also hurt because he thought they really had a breakthrough moment at the hotel party. Things only get worse for Ben when he gets home and finds out his mother is leaving for another retreat so she can “be a better mother.” In addition, Ben’s father informs Ben that he’ll be unable to go to an NBA game with Ben.

Things aren’t much better for Ben at school. Sure, he has a girlfriend but she’s only with him for his father’s money and he’s definitely lacking in the friend department. In fact, Ben becomes so overcome with loneliness that he agrees to meet some dude he met in a Reddit forum. Of course, that goes about as well as one might think and Ben flees the restaurant after the dude is revealed to be a middle-aged man who asks him to “blow on his pizza.”

After a large pimple finds a home on his face, Ben goes to Dr. Vishwakumar’s office to get it dealt with. While in the chair, Ben breaks down and Dr. Vishwakumar ends up inviting him over to her house. Let’s just say Devi is less than pleased to have her nemesis sitting across from her at the dinner table. Despite it all, they end up having a great time together. In fact, Devi and Ben even have a moment while doing dishes together.

See, I told you it wasn’t a bad episode!

As I was researching the show I stumbled upon an article published on Forward.com that exposed the show’s “Jewish problem.” The author, Mira Fox, makes some good points, and its one of the reasons I decided to pick this episode as my least favorite.

Fox points out that while the other characters are either not defined by their backgrounds or are allowed to have nuanced opinions about their backgrounds. Everyone that is, except for Ben who is trapped under endless Jewish stereotypes.

Ben’s stand-alone episode could have given us the depth to his character and his personality. It could have introduced us to his family and his life that is drastically different than Devi’s. It could have even explored his Jewish background in the same way that Devi got to explore her Indian heritage in episode 4.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this episode lacked depth until the final scene with Devi and Ben in the kitchen together. When I realized it was Ben’s point-of-view episode I had high hopes for it but unfortunately, all I got was a bunch of character backstory I already knew and a weird catfish scenario.

Favorite Character: Devi Vishwakumar

I’ll be honest, I had a really hard time picking a favorite character because there were so many amazing ones to chose from. My honorable mentions include Ben, Kamala, and Mohan but I eventually decided to pick Devi since I had more to say about her as a character.

Devi is insufferable at times and she’s selfish pretty much all the time but that’s why I love her so much. All too often we expect the female characters to be nurturing, to be selfless, and to be this perfect stereotypical version of what a woman should be. It’s refreshing to see a teen girl who’s allowed to be a mess because let’s face it, teenage girls are messy.

While it might seem that Devi stays static for most of the season, it’s simply not the case. With every minor mistake and fall out with a person, Devi is getting closer and closer to working through her grief and trauma to become a better person.

One of the things I love about her is that she’s so ready to have the best sophomore year ever that she doesn’t stray away from asking for exactly what she wants. Is her asking Paxton to have sex with her even though they’ve barely talked weird and probably qualifies as harassment? Yes, but when has a teenage girl ever been allowed to pursue what she wants so stubbornly?

More importantly, I think Devi is an extremely interesting and important character because of how she deals with her father’s death. While it might be an odd statement, I found that a lot of people I knew in high school, myself included, went through their first death while in high school. High school is hard enough with the pressure to succeed academically and socially but when you add in the need to grieve it gets so much more complicated.

Devi’s grieving process explores one that’s not traditional but is common. She’s so affected by her father’s death that she simply cannot process it. Dr. Jamie Ryan (Niecy Nash), Devi’s therapist, nails it when she tells Devi that all her issues with people stem from her trauma from her father’s death and the fact that she hasn’t been able to grieve it. And while I don’t condone Devi’s constant need to use her father’s death as an excuse or pass for her behavior, I do understand it.

Lastly, I want to briefly discuss Devi’s relationship with her Indian heritage. I love that the series chooses to introduce her right from the start as someone who isn’t “traditional” or rather is “Americanized.” We further see her complex relationship with her heritage explored in the fourth episode of the series. In fact, she even states that sometimes “she doesn’t feel Indian enough” to a family friend who used to feel the same way but after going to college has reconnected with his heritage.

It’s a theme we’re seeing explored a lot with characters who are both American and from a different ethnic/religious/racial background and one that is so important. I’m glad we got to see Devi’s version of her struggle to fit in and I hope (assuming the show is picked up for a second season) we get to see it explored more later one.

Least Favorite Character: Eleanor Wong

Similar to my disclosure before my least favorite episode, I also don’t really have a least favorite character from Never Have I Ever. Part of the reason why this was so difficult that all because all the characters are sort of terrible which is the point of the series!

While I could have picked a guest character, I decided to pick a character that was a bit more permanent to the story at large. In the end, I ended up choosing Eleanor as my least favorite character. While I did like aspects of Eleanor’s character, I felt that she was just another stereotypical theater kid. While it’s true theater kids can be over the top and dramatic, it’s not true for everyone. I wish the media would understand this and diversify it’s theater kid characters.

I also wasn’t a fan of her plotline with her mother. While it was interesting and unique it didn’t pull the same emotional weight as Devi or Fabiola’s storylines. I had a lot of questions regarding the plot. Why was her mother hiding from her? Was she ashamed? Why did Eleanor decide to give up acting when she finally was finally the lead? I know it’s because she didn’t want to be like her mother but by giving it up she became her mother.

Again, I just wanted more from her both in her character personality and in her storylines.

Favorite Pairing: Devi and Josh

Like most teen shows, Never Have I Ever does have a love triangle but unlike most shows, this one doesn’t seem forced. You’re either Team Paxton or Team Ben and I am 100% Team Ben.

While Devi and Paxton are cute (if you can get past the fact that the actors are literally 10 years apart in age), but they’re nothing unique about them. The cool guy falling for the nerdy girl is a tried and true trope and Never Have I Ever doesn’t do much to make it fresh. Nemesis to lovers, on the other hand, is something I haven’t seen done in quite some time which is why I was so excited when the show decided to explore Devi and Ben’s relationship.

Ben and Devi just get each other, even if they don’t think they do. They’re both competitive and smart, they both deal with familial struggles, and they’re both desperate to figure out who they are so they can fit in. In fact, the one thing constant in these two lives is each other’s presence. Even in their most vulnerable moments, these two seek each other out because they know they’ll be real with each other.

I mean come on, Ben ends up at Devi’s house after being neglected by his family and his girlfriend and Devi literally moves into Ben’s house when she has nowhere else to go. Not only that, but Ben literally rallies Devi’s best friends because he knows they’ll be able to convince her to do the right thing.

When will your favs ever?!

I knew I was shipping them the entire season but what really sealed the deal was the fact that Ben stayed at the beach when he didn’t have to. He could have dropped Devi off and left which would have forced her to work things out with her mom or else she’s been stranded at the beach. instead, he chose to stay because he didn’t want Devi to be forced into any situation she didn’t want to.

In my eyes, there is no love triangle after that kiss!

Complaints:

One of my biggest complaints regarding Never Have I Ever is that the series didn’t utilize it’s reoccurring characters as strongly as they should have. Obviously, the show is mainly about Devi and her struggles but that doesn’t mean that the other characters couldn’t share some of the action. There were several episodes where they were MIA completely. I would have loved to see Fabiola struggle to figure out the right way to tell her family that she is a lesbian. I would have loved to see Eleanor in action in the theater club and how her relationship with a crew member made that better or worse. I wanted to see more of Paxton and Rebecca’s relationship. I really really wanted to get to know Kamala better. It almost felt like Never Have I Ever was pulling a Twilight by having all these amazing secondary characters who didn’t get the time they deserved. I hope we get to see more of them in season 2!

Another complaint of mine was the arranged marriage storyline. While I’m not Indian and I can not speak to the culture at large, I personally felt like it was an outdated stereotype. For a show that’s so diverse and progressive, I felt they could have done something else with her character that was equally as entertaining and conflict inducing. Or, at the very least I would have wanted them to dig deeper into why she was being subjected to an arranged marriage. I guess what I’m saying is that I didn’t like that the storyline was played for laughs instead of actually digging deeper into it. It still could have funny elements but I wanted a deeper meaning out of it. Who knows, maybe that’s something that’ll happen in season 2.

Lastly, and this one is minor and has nothing to do with the writing, I was displeased with the fact that they cast two actors who are ten years apart to play romantic love interests. Look, I get it, when an actor is right for the part they’re right for the part but at some point, you have to be cautious of age. Maitreyi Ramakrishnan who plays Devi is only 18 and yet Darren Barnet who plays Paxton is 29. Maybe I’m too old but I just can’t ship a couple knowing that there is an age difference of 10 years! Ramakrishnan and Barnet are both amazing actors and they did an amazing job portraying their characters and I wouldn’t want them re-casted. I just would prefer it if they weren’t love interests.

Praise:

I haven’t loved a show so quickly and so deeply in a long time so it was refreshing to have that moment again while watching Never Have I Ever.

The humor and the dialogue was spot on from the beginning to the end. I literally laughed through every episode of the show not because I had to because I genuinely thought it was hilarious. From one-liners to entire conversations I seriously couldn’t believe how funny the show is. And it’s not just cringe humor nor is it purely physical humor. It’s not even just the humor that the dialogue nailed but also the serious and awkward moments. I cried through the entire final five minutes because of the dialogue leading up to that moment and the dialogue in the moment itself.

Never Have I Ever completely nailed the awkwardness of being a teenager in high school. I don’t know what exactly it was but watching the show immediately transported me back to my sophomore year of high school which is both a bad and a good thing. The friendships dynamics were spot on. I loved that they explored a friendship break in an authentic and positive way instead of it being a bigger moment than it needed to be. Had friendship breaks been acceptable when I was in high school I probably would have had more friends. Even the relationships were spot on — both romantic and familial. In fact, I really appreciated that Devi and her mother weren’t the perfect mother-daughter duo and that they both were still grieving Mohan’s death.

I absolutely love the show’s diverse characters. One thing I think was groundbreaking about the show is that none of their sexualities/races/ethnicities/religions specifically defined who they were. Devi wasn’t just an Indian-American character. Fabiola wasn’t just a lesbian. Eleanor wasn’t just Asian-American. Ben wasn’t just Jewish. Paxton wasn’t just Japanese-American. They were those things but they were teenagers first and foremost. Were there times I wished we got to know more of their backgrounds? Of course, but I also appreciated that it wasn’t the focal point of their characters or the story at large.

Finally, I did love that they gave Ben a stand-alone episode — even if it was my least favorite episode. It was refreshing to have a different point-of-view character and it helped keep the series fresh and entertaining as I binge-watched. I really hope they continue with this trend and that we get to see Ben have his own episode again but also that some of the other characters get there’s too. I’d love to see Kamala and Paxton get one to explore their characters more. Fabiola and Eleanor would also be interesting too. Even Devi’s mother would be interesting!

* * *

Overall, I did really love Never Have I Ever. I thought it was fun, fresh, diverse, and entertaining. I will definitely be rooting for the series to get a second season because I’m not done with these characters.

You can stream Never Have I Ever on Netflix.

For more posts like this follow me here or on WordPress. 

[dancingbeyondcancer]

Chapter 2 - Dancing Beyond Cancer - Full Chapter

Dancing Beyond Cancer - Chapter 2

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A Life Unchained

I hold joy knowing that Danielle will live on through all the lessons that she taught and the example that she lived by. It is who she was that I find so incredible and that is who I want to introduce. It is more than just something she did; it is who she was that made her special.  Everything exuded with such a level of grace and elegance. Her spirit was wild, and her life was beyond remarkable. Danielle was a lover of Dance as much as a lover of teaching the art form she loved so much. The lives she affected and changed will forever remember her and the legacy she instilled.

It is this legacy that has left so many who truly knew her with a huge hole in their hearts. I’m sad the world was robbed of such an incredible individual. Many lost a true friend, mentor, and mother. Her ability to be an authentic friend cannot be replaced. I too fall short of her greatness. Danielle was truly the best friend I have ever had, and she inspired me to be a better friend, a role model, and a better lover of all people.

She was truly a pure soul, a soul, which, through my experience, often becomes a target for people of unsavory character. I can’t explain the male desire for a pure woman and the ability to tarnish that purity with basic desires. It didn’t help that her physical beauty and dancer physique was something that rivaled the world’s most beautiful models and actresses. She was a true beauty inside and out. She was something rare, and for many, a prize of conquest. Some even viewed her as the perfect art piece for their lives, nothing more than another thing to add to their treasures.

Danielle told me many stories of very arrogant men whose behavior was outrageous. The behavior that comes from men who don’t get the concept of “No.” Many times, I have witnessed as men pursue women in ways to win them over regardless of what the woman wants. Most times, these are men who are obsessed with stunningly beautiful women. Danielle is one of those stunningly beautiful women and a perfect target for all those men who are constantly on the hunt.

Unfortunately, many women have expressed being overwhelmed by men and their displays of affection. Often women suffer from the extreme advances of men after repeatedly declining. The men see it as an obstacle to be overcome, simply needing the right coaxing. I’ve ended close personal friendships with guys who won’t respect the boundaries of women. Many people seem to test boundaries; it must be in our nature, but some men think boundaries are challenges to be overcome. This pure intention to find ways around boundaries can reach truly dangerous proportions.

It blew my mind to hear even more horrific stories from Danielle. To this day, the one that still causes me to cringe is about one of her past serious relationships. From my understanding, this relationship lasted over seven years, having many ups and downs. She even helped to raise his two sons over that time. To the outside world, their relationship was perfect. It was behind closed doors that the extreme levels of disrespect occurred. While his general behavior and sociopathic tendencies aren’t worth mentioning, there is one situation that bears mentioning.

Since Danielle was a Dance teacher, it meant that each dance semester would have a huge recital to display all the progress made by each student. Three times a year would be a time of high-stress overload for over a week leading up to each event. Danielle would put all her creativity, love, and care into each event. It would be special for everyone involved. I even lived with someone who worked for her during that time as a personal assistant and chef. He had nothing but the best things to say about working for her.

It was during one of these recitals that there must have been some tension in her relationship at home. A relationship she had nurtured for over seven years. She practically considered herself a mother to the children as was in her nature. Nothing could have prepared her for what was about to happen.

Danielle had gone in for the day to prepare for the recital. She would rent the local amphitheater for thousands of spectators to sit in attendance. There was a lot to do on the day of a show; it was the reason she would often hire help. She spent the day setting up and she expressed that everything was going perfectly as the show started. It was shortly into the show she realized that she left something at home. Thankfully she lived five minutes down the road and could quickly run home. During an intermission she ran home, to find one of the most horrible scenes she could have imagined.

Her lover, including his children, had packed up everything in the house that was theirs and left in one afternoon. Without warning and notice, they disappeared out of her life. They left only a note. I would never learn what was said in the note, but it honestly doesn’t matter. It devastated her to have something like that occur on a day that was so important to her. Clearly, that man didn’t understand just how important her recitals were to her and her students. It is this complete lack of compassion for others that pushes my buttons. People can’t just do what they want at the expense of others. The behavior is unacceptable, and I believe most would agree.

Both Danielle and I had been victims to male predatory behavior throughout our lives. I would have to say that in my case the advances, while sometimes flattering, are completely unwelcome. I respect people, but I have had my fair share of men who don’t respect the boundaries I will put up. It is this lack of concern for boundaries, that often causes much trauma in this country and all over our planet. Danielle understood this from the lifetime of teaching beautiful young women. Much of her experience like my own has come from listening to others and applying what I have learned in my own life. Danielle even taught me more about my traumas, some of which were quite revolutionary.

Danielle shared with me an experience of being violated by a massage therapist of the opposite sex. She had fallen asleep at the time and awoke to her sexual arousal, and it quickly turned more sinister as she became aware of what was occurring. Someone in a position of power had stepped across an unspoken boundary and violated her personal space. She awoke to his fingers inside of her, creating pleasure she never intended to have. It was a confusing experience to have the enjoyment be jaded by such a lewd act. It hurt me to hear this, but it also made me recount a similar experience I went through.

I too, had felt the power that someone had used over me to make me feel a certain way, that I didn’t choose to feel. Through sensual touch, predators convince the victim that it is okay, that something that feels so good isn’t wrong. It is abuse, it is wrong on every level, and it is occurring every day all around us. If only we would open our eyes to the behavior, then we might start addressing the problems.

My own experience was quite similar. I had needed some message work on my legs as I had slightly injured myself playing soccer the previous week. I don’t think I ever expected a simple leg massage from a qualified and licensed massage therapist would be anything other than that. It didn’t go at all the way I expected as first he lightly grazed across my private parts. I was immediately alerted while also uncomfortable about the experience. I didn’t stop the message, thinking it truly might have been accidental. I knew better the second time it happened as it also included a far more sensual graze. I was appalled. I immediately jumped up and expressed my disapproval. I never expected the response I received.

This man decided to point out the fact that I had become aroused by his touches. He used my arousal to turn the scenario back on myself, telling me that I should explore my desires. Honestly, I couldn’t explain how a man could have brought me to an excited state. I felt so violated not just physically but mentally too. I had never felt feelings towards men, ever. I had plenty of friends who even wished I was curious, but it never interested me. This violation hadn’t inspired me to explore the experience; all I wanted to do was leave. I left as soon as I gathered my things.

I don’t have the scars that many live with because I only experienced it once. I never had to endure extended abuse from family members or other predators. I am grateful for that, but I also didn’t understand how differently she and I dealt with similar trauma. I was able to let it go rather easily because I found a silver lining in the experience.

If a man could make me feel that uncomfortable, then I probably didn’t need to question my sexual orientation.  I also didn’t have to act like a man to be a man. I can embrace my more feminine attributes versus pretend they don’t exist. Some men act manly to prove to others that they are straight. I wear more pink without worrying about what others might think. I grew in my experience, while Danielle faced far more psychological issues.

I hadn’t realized just how violated I was until I talked to Danielle. It made me understand further the traumas she had endured her entire life. Traumas that she shared included the traumas she shared with no one. It would have been impossible for her to share all the traumas from her life with me; it wasn’t our primary focus and won’t be mine either. Our focus was on the joy we could find in every experience we were given, not to muddle in the sadness of the past.

Danielle told me about the two violent physical rapes that also happened to her. These were far more traumatic to her than the massage therapist. They aren’t stories I can share much detail about since Danielle only shared bits and pieces. Suffice to say she was able to help capture and imprison one, and never told me about what happened to the other. Considering her top-secret past, I knew better than to ask questions she wouldn’t answer. She always seemed to have a desire to make things right. The local Sedona Police Department attests to many arrests as a result of her efforts.

Danielle lived a traumatic life, despite the grace and beauty she actively cultivated in her life. Danielle had a difficult life as a woman, including over thirteen miscarriages throughout her lifetime. Despite all her efforts to be a mother, she could never make it very far through the pregnancy. Thankfully she was never short of children in her life. Despite her shortcomings, she lived in an abundance of glorious children. Dancing and her students helped keep her sanity through all the trauma.

It broke my heart to hear about the miscarriages. It was something that I never felt Danielle had fully healed from, especially one instance that stood above all the others. Many years before I met her, she was engaged, and she was planning on starting a family. Her fiancé traveled for work, and sadly on his trip suffered an accident that claimed his life. She found out shortly after that occurred that she was pregnant with his child. I couldn’t imagine what she went through during that time even after she explained it to me. To end the story with losing the baby too,  Danielle had to be mentally devastated.

Left alone, with insurmountable losses, Danielle told me of the struggles she faced. The sadness and depression were overwhelming. To cope, she slept on the red rocks under the stars. Being under the night sky brought her a sense of peace. Danielle told me how much she isolated herself from people during that period of her life. Often, she hid her traumas from her students. I can’t completely explain why she did this, but I feel it was to protect them. Only her senior students shared in the stories that were inappropriate for children.

I only pray that people aren’t left to fend for themselves in those situations. I found that Danielle spent much time retreating from the world after the biggest traumas. This understanding helped me realize more and more that it takes time to come to terms with big traumas. Danielle was my greatest teacher to learn methods she used to grow past the pain. I have yet to find a way to stop suffering, but I have learned lessons on how to cope better.

My greatest lesson being the power of movement. I found the risks that arise when I’m not moving a lot, and I’ve seen the benefits of creating a lot of movement in my life. Life lessons that have gone back through decades, including my youth playing soccer. As someone who suffers from expressing anger and anxiety, it is important I have ways to move my energy. Dancing has become a powerful medicine in my life that brings healing in my body and my mind.

The dance was always a big part of Danielle’s healing. She expressed her emotions as I do through dance. Depending on her mood, she could show such emotion in her dance that it would bring people to tears. Danielle knew the power of expressing those emotions and the power of expressing those feelings in the form of something she loved. She found through dance ways of transmuting her traumas. Her presence was even healing to those who watched her.

Danielle danced with a Passion that few people express in their lives. The passion she danced with could have sent her on to glorious heights of fame and glory. She told me of the many times people proposed that life to her. She decided every time to pass on that life, realizing fame was not something she wished to achieve. Her goals in life were far simpler. To do what she loved in a place that she loved.  Sedona, while not the perfect place, was a place she wanted dancing to thrive.

Danielle was for eighteen years, “The” Dance teacher in Sedona, AZ. Several others had tried, but no other teachers had made the commitment she did. Danielle had brought big town experience to a small mountain town. In the New York Dance community, she was well known. Her talent had gained the attention of many aristocrats who lived in the city. She rarely name-dropped but on occasion would point out actors whose children she taught, but I honestly don’t remember a single one.

Danielle taught and performed Dance for nine years in New York, including performing in Cats on Broadway. Despite her talent she chose to teach thousands of children over the years, most of those years taught out of a Studio connected to her house in Sedona. For much of the ’90s and until the recession business was great. She was even awarded several women’s achievement awards for running a successful business locally.

Danielle told me stories of how she exercised her independent spirit during her life, including choosing to leave home at an early age. She accomplished great things with little resources, including putting herself through an accredited dance academy in New York City. It is amazing to hear how she rose from practically nothing, to become the woman she was when I met her. The stories she told of her days in New York were fantastic, outrageous, and heartbreaking. It was the heartbreaks that weighed the heaviest on her heart.

Danielle witnessed eighty of her friends from the Dance community lose their lives to AIDS. She expressed the devastation it caused throughout the community. People were afraid of the disease. The disease held a horrible stigma, which caused many to reject the infected individual. Danielle didn’t fear the people who had AIDS or HIV. She held space for compassion and sympathy. The incredible person inside her decided to show up for eight people who had been abandoned by everyone in their lives. She told me of the horrors of dying of AIDS when the outbreak first appeared. What the disease did to the body was frightening to witness. The fear caused many friends and family members to act irrationally. For all too many, it was a terrible and lonely way to die.

The stories she told of how people would treat the sick and dying were appalling. They would walk in and blame the person or lash out with cruel words. They are expressing all their anger and frustration to the one person who doesn’t need that release.   Danielle would not stand for inappropriate behavior and was not afraid to throw people out. I would have to say that people’s behavior towards the sick and dying is, I guess you could call it, complicated. I have an entire chapter dedicated to this topic as it is something, I ended up going through extensively with Danielle.

I made many mistakes myself. I am far from perfect. However, there is very little that I regret because I always did everything I could to fix my mistakes. Some mistakes I still wish I never made, and this book will help, so others don’t make the same mistakes.  It isn’t always easy to realize when people need help, especially ourselves. Danielle and I encountered many people who behaved poorly and some beautiful souls who acted admirably. We came across simple mistakes all people can make. Despite the blunders often time, people neglected to offer help in the first place.  Fear cripples many into never taking proper action.

Danielle’s life was full of taking proper action. Danielle tried to live a life of proper action. Living in a big city, she learned the power of presenting the right image. The transition to a small town taught her even more lessons about the power of projecting a positive image to the community. I don’t know if Danielle would have moved to Sedona in the first place if she understood half the troubles she would face.

Sedona had captured her interest many years before she moved from her home in New York City to the desert southwest. It was another instance where life decided to tell her she must leave the big city. She expressed how healing Sedona always felt when she visited. This natural healing energy drew her to one of the most magnificent landscapes, in my opinion, only bested by the Grand Canyon. The beautiful views are unforgettable, and the people who live here are beautiful. Sedona is magical, and Danielle appreciated the beauty that is Sedona. Despite all the problems she faced with people during her 20 years in town, she never ended up moving.

I appreciated the insights she would share about living in a small town as I grew up in cities many times larger than Sedona. It isn’t hard to hide from people in a huge city, however living in a small city comes with its own set of problems. Challenges we would come to realize in their entirety as we progressed together as a married couple. We would come to many realizations about why people behave in ways that defy common sense.

It was incredible the way that Danielle and I connected in our understanding of the problems of “normal” society. She and I both had zero tolerance for injustice or cruelty. Which we both agreed were plaguing society.  We both chose to live by example to put an end injustice and cruelty. We each did it our way.

Danielle accomplished this in ways that I can’t even convey. She stood up against the male ego that pushes and manipulates its way to gain what they want. She endured much criticism and verbal abuse for simply doing the right thing. Today those who choose to do the right thing are rarely celebrated or applauded. Often, they become targets for gossip and rumors which are aimed to discredit those who are in the right. I can’t hear one more guy complain about his girlfriend being mad at him, when I know that he is unfaithful, lies, or manipulates her. Despite her best efforts, she was still often a victim of the male ego.

Danielle Elise Claire was a beautiful example of the Divine Feminine, the energy of Lilith. The woman in the Bible who walked away from Adam in the Garden for she wished not to be his servant or object of desire. Danielle told me Lilith was banished to the sea for her slight. Then God created Eve to fill Adam’s Desires. I found other versions of the story, but I always enjoyed Danielle’s interpretation. A perfect representation of what she stood for. Danielle would not willingly be the servant or object of another person’s desires. She stood up for herself almost as much as she stood up for others. A remarkable person in every way and that is how she lived her life.

We are all incredible people living incredible lives. Only by looking at the synchronicities in our lives can we hope to gain true meaning to what our existence is all about. Our lives each have more potential than most people realize. We each have so much to offer this planet and the other people in our lives when we accept the path life is trying to provide. Some call it being in the flow, others refer to it as the zone, while others may call it divine inspiration.  It sounds great, but it is not an easy state to achieve. It seems the more you do the right thing and follow the right path, the more challenging the path seems to become. I guess I’m trying to tell you that through my experience and observation, the best things in life are never easy.

It is only by facing the challenges, heartache, and pain that we can hope to achieve something bigger than ourselves, become greater than the sum of our parts. The universe has allowed each of us to follow a path that could change the world; few say yes. However, many today are following these ancient lessons. All the Prophet’s, Savior’s, and Enlightened individuals of our time have told us similar stories and spoke about the path that leads to infinite beauty. It takes understanding the ugliness in the world that people truly find the greatest appreciation for beauty.  In facing the ugliness, Danielle and I found much-hidden beauty.

Our journey together, through the hardest part in Danielle’s life, was a gift more than simply a curse. A gift I didn’t fully understand but do now.  I am thankful I could be there for such an incredible person through one of the most horrible Cancers existing on the planet. The importance of allowing someone to die on their terms is something that I cannot overstate. Danielle didn’t want to go into an assisted home or a hospice center. She wanted to stay in her house, and it was one of her greatest desires.

However, we lacked the support that could have made it easier for both of us.  It was heartbreaking to hear that many people never have the support we did. Like us, many families don’t do what is necessary to help each other out, and economic conditions have made that even more of an issue. So many choices are boiled down to what the family can afford as opposed to what is best for the person in question.

Danielle didn’t want to end up in some medical establishment because she knew she would die quicker. It doesn’t surprise me when I hear about how people pass more quickly in nursing homes. It made more sense after I learned about the medical practices for people nearing the end of their lives. Hence the primary goal of those places is to medicate people to the point that they feel nothing. Something that I will say is the opposite of what we went through. Medications prescribed from most doctors were practically ineffective throughout the entire process. The resulting severe side effects being more problematic than the original issue.

Our journey is far different than your traditional Cancer patient.  We didn’t follow the traditional medical approach, and it brought many unforeseen consequences. Our attempts to work with the medical establishment were even disastrous or counterproductive. Danielle lived by her own constitution.

Danielle was not normal in the fact that she practically never drank alcohol, because the hang-over would last for days. She didn’t even smoke marijuana as an adult. Although she eventually admitted that she did do it in her youth, stopping when it started making her paranoid.  She was hypersensitive showing even legal medications were problematic. She couldn’t take over the counter meds without nasty side effects. She was as pure a person as I have known.

Finding medications that would help with her health problems were far more challenging. This story will discuss the challenges Danielle and I encountered when facing a traditional medical industry that practically solely uses prescription medications to solve the health problems that arise. The irony of the situation is I was actively working in the counter industry, helping all the cancer patients the mainstream medical industry had already failed.

My first year in Sedona was nothing like what I would have expected. I had heard that Sedona is a place that can chew people up and spit them out. I have observed this repeatedly and heard from many other sources, strange and interesting stories. The many discussions revealed how the natural energy that exists in this town has a unique effect on people’s lives. Many refer to it as a journey through the dark part of your soul.  The energies that exist in Sedona seem to accelerate one to a higher level of one’s purpose in life. It brings many struggles and yet to those who persevere great rewards await.

Rewards that may not always seem like rewards. I doubt many would see the rewards in the initial thought of my story. How there be a silver lining in such a tragedy? I hope this story will shed light on finding the good when all else seems lost.  While Sedona affects everyone differently, those who are open to life and new experience will be in for the ride of their lives. Those who fight change are presented with a barrage of challenges until one either gives up and leaves town or faces those inner demons head-on.

In my experience, I found this to be true beyond words. To say life works out in mysterious ways is an understatement. The countless people who come through town and have mystical if not paranormal experiences are so numerous that there are bookshelves dedicated to the subject. It will take an entire book to fully convey the bizarre if not a synchronistic string of events that led me to write this book. It goes beyond words to tell you that the sorrow I feel at the loss of my wife has led me down a different path in my life; it has given my life more purpose. I am unchained from the limits I once had.

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chapter.  Stay tuned next Monday for Chapter 3 of Dancing Beyond Cancer  If you would like to finish the story NOW you can purchase the full book at...

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[themomsandthecity]

Stabbed 63 Times at Home by Boyfriend's Teen Son, Murder Victim's Family Wonders What Drove Him to Kill

The night of April 6, 2017, was wet and cold — miserable already — when Todd Taylor and his older sister, Alyssa Nicholas, learned their mom, Heidi Taylor, had been murdered. It was late when Todd, 21, heard the news. He’d been at work at a fast food restaurant, coming off a dinner break as his shift neared its end, when his sister called and told him to get to Heidi’s house as quickly as he could. She’d just received a phone call of her own: Something was wrong with their mom, she’d been told, and the police were involved. But nobody seemed to know where to find Donovan Nicholas, the 14-year-old son of Heidi’s longtime boyfriend, who lived with Heidi and his father in a two-story farmhouse in Urbana, Ohio. Todd arrived to a scene already covered with police and caution tape — “I didn’t even know Urbana had so many cop cars,” he says. Amid all of the activity, he saw a body being wheeled out of the home and then he saw Alyssa, 23, wrapped in layer upon layer of blankets. She was “bawling her eyes out.” “I’m trying to get information and finally she says, ‘That was mom,’ ” Todd recalls. “I asked who did it and that’s when one of the deputies came over.” Says Alyssa now: “What actually happened would never have been something that I would ever have guessed in a million years.” ‘It Wasn’t Me … He Snapped’ Donovan Nicholas, the boy who killed 40-year-old Heidi Taylor, whom he called “mom,” is also the only witness to her death. His is the most complete version of her murder, and it is an awful one: In a stuttering voice that April night last year, he called 911 once Heidi was dead to report what had been done. He described how Heidi had been stabbed with a kitchen knife — authorities learned she suffered some 62 or 63 wounds across her body — before being shot once in the head on her bed. He told responding officers that it was just the two of them in the house: Heidi upstairs and him down by the back door, bleeding from an inadvertent cut sustained in his attack. He pleaded for help and he said he was not to blame. “It wasn’t me who killed her,” he told the emergency dispatcher, knowing how that sounded. RELATED: Boy Executes Woman Who Raised Him Then Blames Alternate Personality Based on ‘Jeff the Killer’ “This really hard to explain, but I kind of have another person inside me,” Donovan said. It was this person — this “Jeff” personality — who was responsible, who had been in control during each swing of the blade. Jeff was modeled after the fictional horror character “Jeff the Killer,” an eyelid-less maniac who recurs in online stories and artwork. Donovan, who had become enamored of “Jeff,” dressed the part for Heidi’s murder, saying he was driven to wear black clothing to look like Jeff and to take a small blade to slash the sides of his mouth, extending it into a Jeff-like rictus. “He killed her,” Donovan told 911. “He snapped.” The teen’s voice shook. “I hate Jeff so much,” he said. “He’s going to make me die in prison.” An Excuse or a Disease? Prison is where Donovan will spend at least the next 28 years of his life, after which he will be eligible for parole from his life sentence. Tried as an adult for aggravated murder in Heidi’s death, he was convicted in July, days after his 16th birthday. Everyone agrees on the who, the how, the when and the where. But the why is a struggle. Donovan’s attorney, Darrell Heckman, who is appealing his conviction, believes he is seriously ill and should never have been removed from the juvenile system, where he could be rehabilitated. Donovan’s father, Shane Nicholas, is supporting his son’s appeal and believes he is sick. (Shane declined to speak with PEOPLE.) In critical need of treatment, Donovan has developed still more personalities while behind bars, Heckman says. He believes Donovan has dissociative identity disorder (DID) — a rare condition whose roots typically trace back to extreme physical or sexual trauma in childhood, which Donovan did not experience. While psychological experts say someone with DID could theoretically commit such violence in the grips of another identity, as Donovan says he did, patients with the disorder do not tend to be more violent than anyone else. “In general they’re people who have been badly damaged,” says Dr. David Spiegel, a Stanford psychiatrist professor. “The last thing they want to do is hurt anyone else.” Spiegel, who stresses that he is unconnected to Donovan’s case, is nonetheless somewhat skeptical of Donovan’s clothing change. “When you’re really experiencing it, you don’t need the props,” he says. • Want to keep up with the latest crime coverage? Click here to get breaking crime news, ongoing trial coverage and details of intriguing unsolved cases in the True Crime Newsletter. The psychologists who examined Donovan came to no more of a consensus. All three found him legally sane under the standards of Ohio law — in essence barring Donovan from arguing at trial that he was insane — but two found that he had notable mental health issues such as depressive disorder. None of them determined, conclusively, that he had DID. Prosecutors have never been convinced. “I believe this ‘Jeff’ persona was created by the defendant as a way to try to find a legal excuse for the conduct that he engaged in,” says Kevin Talebi, the Champaign County prosecutor. While Heckman has taken issue with Donovan being prosecuted as an adult despite his youth, Talebi phrases the issue in reverse: “How often is it that we deal with 14-year-olds who plot the murder of a person in a premeditated manner then follow through with the plan?” Heckman takes a wider view, posing more difficult questions than he provides answers. “We need to come to grips with the fact that severe mental illness is real,” he says. “There is an important societal issue as to what age do we give up on children for their rehabilitation prospects and what age do we not? We want to be tough, but we want to rehabilitate that can be rehabilitated. And I think there also is a question of how much of a limit do we want to put on insanity? What should you be allowed to present to justify insanity?” Heidi’s children, who were raised as siblings to Donovan, aren’t sure what to believe. Todd, 21, thinks Jeff must be fake — but if an alternate personality is not to blame, who is? “I don’t know how he would go from an innocent kid,” Todd says, “to what he is now.” What Was Going on at Home? Prosecutors say the answer is simple: Before killing Heidi, Donovan had grown resentful and wandered deep into homicidal fantasy, exchanging numerous morbid messages with a friend from school. He was pushed over the edge when Heidi discovered him sexting with an out-of-state girlfriend and decided to take his phone away. Heckman disputes this and says it was the “Jeff” personality who could not handle the stress of losing his connection to Donovan’s girlfriend. In Heckman’s telling, “Jeff” developed over the course of early 2017 as an alternate personality for Donovan, a studious but socially awkward boy who had dealt with depression and self-harm in recent years. “The more he admired him, the more it took over,” Heckman says. How a dissociative identity disorder could develop in Donovan, however, he still doesn’t know. Before Heidi was killed, Donovan had not been violent and he has had no issues since. Those closest to the teen, too, say they did not see signs of such darkness in him before the murder last spring. Donovan, whose mother lost custody of him soon after his birth, was just a toddler when his father and Heidi — who had first met through mutual friends and later reconnected — moved in together. They formed a close-knit blended family including Heidi’s two children, who describe typical domestic scenes such as bustling weekend breakfasts and trips to hike and camp. At some point, however, Donovan began deteriorating. Alyssa says Heidi and Shane were aware he had been cutting himself and that Heidi had taken steps to make sure he was not alone at the house. She wanted him to get counseling, according to Alyssa. “She tried doing everything she could, just to make sure he was okay.” Otherwise, Alyssa says, Donovan did not seem unusual — apt, as any teenage boy, to give Heidi some grief when asked to do the dishes. But there were things Donovan did not talk about: He was skilled at masking his self-harm, according to Alyssa, and neither she nor Todd say he had mentioned Jeff to them. “For my sanity, I’d like to think that there really is something truly wrong, something going on , just for him to be able to do something like this — just so out of the blue and so horrific,” Alyssa says. Jailhouse Conversations “I’m sorry”: That’s what Donovan told Todd the second time Todd visited him in juvenile detention, as Donovan awaited his trial. “He just kept apologizing,” Todd says. “I mean, really that’s all you can do. I don’t want to hear no excuses.” This was last year. Both Todd and Alyssa visited Donovan multiple times while he was in custody. “Initially, for something so unexpected to happen and for the reasons he’s saying that it happened, I guess I just needed to talk to him and figure out and try to see if he really was himself,” says Alyssa, noting that they “really weren’t allowed” to discuss the murder. The first time Todd visited, he was with Shane, Donovan’s dad, who did most of the talking. “I couldn’t take my eyes off his hands,” Todd says. His second visit, months later (“I was too mad to go see him because the only thing standing between me and him was a metal table”), was much more charged — a confrontation, a confession, and some kind of equilibrium. “It sounds wrong, but it’s not: I wanted to kill him at the time and so I told him, I was like, ‘You don’t understand how bad I want to hurt you,’ ” Todd says. “And he’s like, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I asked him, ‘Do you ever think about what you did?’ and he’s like, ‘Yeah, every night.’ He’s like, ‘I can’t even sleep. Most of the time I curl up in the corner of my bed crying and screaming.’ ” Todd says he asked about Heidi’s murder and Donovan “kind of shrugged the question off.” “He asked me, ‘What would you have done if I would have ran?’ and I told him what I’d do,” Todd continues, leaving the consequence unsaid. “And he told me it was understandable.” Alyssa, who visited more often, saw Donovan a few days before he was sentenced on July 24. She was working on her victim impact statement for the court. “I was having a really hard time just trying to decide how I did want him to be sentenced and I felt like I really did need to talk to him about how it has affected all of us,” she says, remembering their conversation. “He told me that he understood how I felt about everything and that he wanted me to be honest because he understands that what he did has a huge impact on us and he understood how we felt. … And he said it doesn’t matter what I put in it, he was okay with it, because he knows how hard it’s been for all of us.” ‘No More Big Family’ In court, Donovan offered his regret and said he wanted treatment. He repeated his story about the “Jeff” personality, telling the judge, in part: “Before we distinctly split, I liked Jeff the Killer, I was obsessed with Jeff the Killer. Jeff became a problem when he started doing things I didn’t want him to do: destroying my room, stabbing walls.” Alyssa’s statement was read on her behalf by a close friend. She called her mom her “biggest supporter and my best friend,” and she called Donovan her brother. “I no longer have a parent to turn to for guidance when life gets rough,” she told the court. “I have nobody to support me and push me to be who I can be. I feel completely lost all of the time.” Heidi, who loved to cook and garden, especially loved being a grandma to Alyssa’s daughters — apt to cancel any plans to spend time with them and never one to tell them no. The February before she died she’d left her job at Honeywell, where she had worked in various positions, to help with child care as Alyssa prepared to go to nursing school. “There is no more big family unit that is there to love and support each other,” Alyssa said in her victim statement. “Holidays no longer feel warm. My children no longer experience the joys of having a grandmother and being able to run to a grandparent for things parents just never quite understand.” Donovan’s absence created its own pains. Alyssa said her daughters “do not know what happened or why they haven’t seen Donovan, but they miss him and the fun times they remember with him.” Despite the grim details of a murder that has attracted national attention, Alyssa tells PEOPLE she holds to her mother’s memory. “I don’t want anybody to forget who she was and the type of person that she was. I just don’t want her to be another name or face in this case file. She was an actual person, and she was a very important person.” A few days later, Alyssa gave birth to her third child, a girl neither Heidi nor Donovan will ever meet. “Even if they were convinced that he was okay and he was to be released, I don’t know if I would ever really be okay with the fact that he was released,” Alyssa says. But she knows that, were Donovan someday to go free, she would not want to see him outside of prison. “That trust just isn’t there anymore.” http://bit.ly/2MD9AVT