#how is this only thirteen fics hahahahahaha

[theleetoalerandalertoalee]

This is a request by:

@justaposibblytransgirl

Here’s the fic you wanted, girlie<33

(Hu Tao x Yanfei)

Summary: Hu Tao is taking Yanfei on a trip so that workaholic can finally take a day off :)

Enjoy ^^

“Ah, just the person I was looking for~!”

Hu Tao waves to Liyue’s renowned legal advisor, skipping towards her.

Yanfei looks up from her Book of Laws, and her cyan eyes now study the approaching Director of the Wangshu Funeral Parlor.

“Hello, Hu tao,” Yanfei closes her book, “did you get caught in red tape, finally?”

“Ah…ha…” Hu Tao takes a deep breath, as if she ran through all of Liyue to find Yanfei, “yes…you were right…”

“Oh? About what?”

Hu Tao sighs, wringing her hands together as she looks down at her shoes, “I shouldn’t have held that tie-dyeing event at the old folks’ home…”

“No, it wasn’t because of the event, it was because of the slogan.”

“I know but…’Everybody Dies’ is a great one! It serves as a pun as well as a message!”

“Sure…so, what happened, then?”

“Uncle Tian scolded me…”

“You’re lucky that’s all you received. In Article thirteen, section five, subarticle two states: Any form of ostracization to a community is prohibited by law; any and all offenses is punishable by judge and jury.”

“Aiya, I know but…”

“I understand. Your job is a difficult one, but it is one that needs to be done. Thank you, even though some of your methods can be…questionable in nature.”

Yanfei pauses before continuing, “hm…how about you show me one of those shirts from the event?”

Hu Tao grins excitedly, revealing a dyed shirt.

“Hu Tao…is that a coffin?”

“Of course! It’s the latest model made with Yumemiru wood!”

“How’d you get your hands on Inazuman wood?”

“The International Trade Association is easy to work with. They’re my new favorite supplier!”

“I see…”

“Come on~ don’t you remember what you promised me today, Yanfei~?”

“Oh…is today the day��?”

“Yes!”

“Well,” Yanfei puts her book away, “where are you going to take me?”

“Qingce Village~!”

“Oh? Why there?”

“You’ll see.”

As the two walk, they pass by Wuwang Hill.

Hu Tao suddenly tased Yanfei’s sides, “boo!”

Yanfei jumps, “wah-?!”

“Hehe, sorry~”

Yanfei smirks, “objection!”

Yanfei tackles Hu Tao, sitting on the Director’s hips, her back facing Hu Tao.

“Aiya-!” Hu Tao exclaims as she tries to throw Yanfei off of her.

“The defendant finds the prosecution…guilty of not truly being sorry!”

Yanfei squeezes Hu Tao’s thighs and the Direction squeals with laughter and surprise.

“Hey-! Hahahahaha! Wait- hahahahaha!”

“On the counts of a premeditated tickle attack, the client is…sentenced to a hundred tickles!”

“A hundred?? I didn’t even do anything bad- gah! Hahahahaha!”

Yanfei continues to squeeze Hu Tao’s thighs, slowly going down then back up the muscle as the director tries to grab at Yanfei’s arms.

Hu Tao suddenly latches onto the sides of Yanfei’s rib cage and the legal advisor shrieks, immediately trying to escape.

“Fun’s over~!” Hu Tao pulls Yanfei onto the ground beside her, clawing at the adeptus’s ribs.

“Gyah-! Hahahaha! The prosecution asks for a recess-!! Hahahahaha!!”

“Hmm…permission granted. I’ll take a break from your ribs.”

Hu Tao suddenly digs into Yanfei’s underarms, technically following through with what she said…it only puts Yanfei in a worsening situation, is all.

Yanfei starts snorting, which is only something she does when she loses her composure. It’s extremely rare, and it only makes Hu Tao want to hear more of it.

“I permit you a recess of…hmm…five minutes?”

“Wait- I’ll die! Hahahahaha!”

“That’s just in time for the Funeral Parlor’s sale! Preorder a service with us, and you’ll save 25% on your mora! This excludes taxes, of course,” Hu Tao winks.

Yanfei shakes her head frantically as she’s relentlessly attacked, “the prosecution concedes!! Hahahahahaha!!”

Hu Tao slowly stops, smirking down at Yanfei, “does that mean my original sentence is lifted?”

“Yes,” Yanfei giggles, “yes, it’s been appealed.”

Hu Tao claps her hands together, “perfect~!”

Yanfei sits up, laying her head on Hu Tao’s shoulder, “how about instead of going to Qingce Village…we just relax here…?”

“That sounds good, too.”

“Granny Ruoxin is lovely, but if she sees me again, she’ll never let me leave for a while.”

“Well, consider yourself stuck with me then.”

“Do I get a dyed shirt?”

“Of course! This one is courtesy of the Director~!”

“Aha…funny…wait- you’re serious…aren’t you…”

[giggles-and-freckles]

Okay woohoo some fic recs incoming!!!! These will probably be all over the place, but I’ve just got to scream about them for a second!!! PS gonna try to do these more frequently because this is fun!!!

Click below the cut if you dare!

Declarations by Nny11

Summary: A series exploring Obi-Wan and Ahsoka's relationship as Grandmaster and Grandpadawan.

Okay, so this is one of the first fics I can genuinely remember reading with a heavy emphasis on the relationship between Obi-Wan and Ahsoka where I was like 'hey oh my god I love them?’ It was a monumental moment for me because now I am so obscenely ride or die for them and I truly do think back to this fic often with utter fondness. 

A moment I loved: 

“From a certain point of view,” he finally conceded, motioning her to start again. “At least I know you’ve learned something from me!”

“Well I couldn’t learn the secrets of your hair routine!”

the flood comes rushing in by @kenobilovebot

Summary: "I have done this for you. I have put you first." Or, Anakin finds out.

A little bit of sith!Obi-Wan? As a treat? Hm, well...all right!!!!! I don’t want to say too much here because I would really prefer you read it than read any more of my mindless babbling but–it’s good.

A moment I loved: 

He can hardly think around the smothering darkness that has so wholly encompassed his master, so effectively destroying the light that has always been. He’s always been able to reach for it at the worst of times. Now he can’t feel it at all.

a time to say goodbye by Sokaless

Summary: Ezra isn't the only one facing the temptation of change in the World Between Worlds. Just minutes after facing Vader, Ahsoka falls through a portal seventeen years into the past and must relive her final encounter with Anakin and Obi-Wan without drastically altering the future. But Anakin Skywalker taught her many things. How to push her luck was one of them.

This is a short and sweet time-travel fic that finds Ahsoka back in that moment in the hangar with Anakin right before they unknowingly have their last goodbye. She knows more now than she did before and struggles not to say it all. But the theme of learning from loss is really special and powerful and I feel this sad sort of closure when I finish (I say that actively because I have...read this fic several several times). Painful, poignant–all the best things.

A moment I loved:

One last thing she learned from Anakin- teaching a lesson often requires holding your student to higher standards than you hold yourself. 

With the knowledge that she’s holding him to a standard she herself might never reach, Ahsoka tells Ezra, “I’m asking you to let go.”

good morning, sun by @katierosefun​

Summary: “You look miserable.” Ahsoka dropped her hand, spun around. Obi-Wan stood behind her, one arm carrying a cloak and the other half-extended to Ahsoka. [or: After she leaves the Order, Ahsoka has one last encounter with Obi-Wan.]

Let’s see how many of Caroline’s fics I can get away with posting before someone reports me. This one-shot is full of all the good post-wrong jedi stuff. Soka and Obi have a conversation at Dex’s that hurts a lot but also feels real and I will never not respect Caroline for understanding the nuances of the disaster trios intricate and intimate relationships with each other and how they shift and mold around different circumstances. This feels so authentically them that it hurts.

A moment I loved: 

What came out instead was a small, half-choked sound.

When Obi-Wan opened his arms, Ahsoka fell right into them. “It hurts,” Ahsoka said, her voice cracking. “A lot.”

“I know,” Obi-Wan replied thickly. “We’ll take care of it.”

You Haunt All My What-Ifs by @kckenobi

Summary: But then she saw the way Obi-Wan’s lip was quivering, and his eyes were shining, and she realized— He hadn’t called because he needed to tell her. He’d called because he needed her. “Obi-Wan,” she breathed. “Oh, Obi-Wan…” And she wanted to reach out, to hold him. To be his refuge, his shelter, his home. Instead she just watched as he shook his head, palmed at his eyes, apologized. She reached out. Touched the hologram. It flickered. — [Satine and Obi-Wan—then, now, and every echo of what if between them.]

One of the first fics that got me on my Obitine grind!! Just the right mix of angst and angst to create the perfect recipe of absolute sorrow. These characters feel so real I could reach out and hug them–and oh, how I want to after this incredible little fic.

A moment I loved:

And then suddenly she was thinking of every little what if—the other paths they could’ve taken, the millions of ways they could’ve ended up here. She imagined a future where he’d stayed. She saw white weddings, crying infants, painting nursery rhymes on a pale bedroom wall. She saw herself rolling over in the middle of the night, bumping shoulders, feeling his warm breath on her face. She saw family dinners, rushed breakfasts as they hurried the kids off to school. She saw laughter. She saw a lifetime. And at the end, she saw herself old and gray, holding his hand, his eyes the last thing she’d ever see.They had arrived at the end now. But she was not old and gray.

Dying Words by @cloudyskywars

Summary: Anakin is trapped beneath a collapsed building, and has one final conversation with Obi-Wan.

One of my favourite febuwhump contributions from within the mountain of wonderful fics that the second month of the year created!! Some good ol classic Obi & Ani pain. Hint of a deathfic...but mostly just the moments leading up to it. And they...hurt. Also!!! Melanie took the care to make Anakin’s final words be about Obi-Wan, which is very special to me for the reason she includes in her author’s note.

A moment I loved:

“And,” he said, “if you ever see Ahsoka again, tell her she was the best padawan I could have asked for.” His breaths were coming in rapid pants, now, and the room was spinning out of focus. “Obi-Wan?” he asked, voice barely audible. “Yes, Padawan mine?” he responded, his own voice shaky as well. “Thank you for being my Master,” Anakin said.

i’m only me when i’m with you idiots by @renegadeontherunn

Summary: who let Obi-Wan pick the holo? and where's the remote? they might need a bigger blanket. 

[or, Anakin, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan have leave on Coruscant and holo night is the perfect excuse to all squeeze onto a couch together, bicker, and be, well, a family]

Fluff, fluff, fluff! Yes, please! My dear Fiona does a wonderful job wrapping these three up in a blanket and plopping them in front of a holo for a night of witty banter and so-cute-I-could-melt platonic cuddles. I love these three, I love this fic!

A moment I loved: 

“You met a civilized Padawan? Couldn’t have been ours.”

get home by @curse-of-men

Summary: After a mission goes wrong and Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker goes missing, it is up to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ahsoka Tano to bring him home.

[or: a Grandmaster and a Grandpadawan go on a road trip to rescue chaos personified]

What? Me? Rec’ing another Obi-Wan and Ahsoka centric fic? HUH? Hehe, I love that Lou says this is the missing Obi & Soka arc in their author’s note because um, did they look into my heart and know that’s what I most desire? Anyway, this three-parter is incredible from start to finish and I demand you all go read it immediately. :-)

A moment I loved:

Making their way to the cockpit, Ahsoka tilts her head into Obi-Wan’s general direction and says: “You know, Master, Anakin would probably think things so far have gone excellently.” Obi-Wan returns her look and sighs.

“Now you surely must get why I am so worried about this.” Ahsoka grins and gestures back and forth in the empty space between them with one hand.

“For what it’s worth, I think we make a good enough team.”

we stand here, together by @nightdotlight​

Summary: Master Depa Billaba and Padawan Caleb Dume.

Windu worries for them, out in the wider galaxy. Waging war, while he and Anakin sit here, waiting.

But he trained Billaba, and Billaba is training Dume. Anakin once took lessons from her, when he himself was a Padawan, and he knows she is skilled enough by far, to ensure that both she and her student make it back to Coruscant safely.

It’s ironic, that when cut off from the Force he can understand other people better than he has in years.

ZOWEE!!!! This fic made me ugly cry on my conference period at school!! Ha! Another fic that culminates in, er...death. But!!!! The lead-up! Ooh, baby! The writing style of this one is also very fresh and unique which I appreciate as someone who essentially reads the same thing eight million ways (by choice, mind you!!!! and loves it every time!!!!). This is just an absolute gem of a fic. Queue: your best crying playlist.

A moment I loved: 

Depa, her Padawan braid hanging from her shoulder, hugs him around his middle and drags him to the training salles. The whole way, her laughter follows them– warm, like summer rain. Like the smallest, most ephemeral moments of happiness.

Her smile feels like a sunset on his back, and Mace smiles back even as they spar, as green and purple clash over and over again in a dance unique to teacher and student.

He does not need to reach out to know the galaxy is at peace. When they take a break from their own spar, Mace feels a light tap on his presence in the Force; when he turns, Ahsoka Tano stands there in training robes, her own Master a few paces behind��� and beside him, Obi-Wan Kenobi, face lighter than it has been in years.

Her Padawan beads hang from her headdress; when she smiles at the banter behind her, turning to retort, they catch the light, and the half-formed impression of those beads torn asunder and held in gloved hand is dissipated by the glare.

Only Hope by @tessiete

Summary: The infamous "Year on the Run".In the wake of her father's death, Satine is assigned two Jedi to escort her safely back to Mandalore, but in the chaotic aftermath of a civil war, there is more at stake than one person's survival. Together, they work to unite Mandalore, overcome ancient grudges, and bring peace to a world ravaged by bloodshed.

Man, oh man, do I love a good year on the run fic! And man oh man am I loving the heck out of this one. It’s in progress so go ahead give it a bookmark and a subscription while you’re at it!!!! But the banter! The sass! The (I assume soon to come) pining! The Qui-Gon third wheeling! READ IT! Cannot recommend highly enough.

A moment I loved: 

“...and you’re bound to be hungry.”

“I assure you, I’m not.”

“Well, Obi-Wan is,” Jinn asserts. His back is to his apprentice and so he cannot see the mutinous glance which darts his way. “And as you’ve seen, he’s trouble when he isn’t fed. You have five minutes.”

Goes to Ground by jerseydevious

Summary: Obi-Wan has a question for Anakin following his experiences on Zygerria.

Silly Jedi boys trying and failing to communicate, gosh dang it!!! They get there, eventually, though. :’) Some post Zygerria angst and some tough discussions. HERE. FOR. IT. 

A moment I loved: 

“You are a bad influence, padawan mine,” Obi-Wan said. He gave Anakin that smile, the one that made Anakin feel like he shared a secret with his Master, something only for them.

In Sacrifice, Peace by @ilonga

Summary: “Shh. . .” Anakin says, gathering the younglings around him, reminding Obi-wan of all those whispered arguments where he had insisted to Anakin that yes, he was good with children, he’d be just fine teaching Ahsoka. He can almost feel the terror rising off Anakin from the hologram; Anakin doesn’t know what’s happening either. But he isn’t letting the younglings feel it. “You need to listen to me very carefully, okay? This--” his voice breaks, “--this is going to be scary. But you have to be calm, and strong. Just like Master Yoda taught you.” [Or, the ROTS au where Obi-wan finds a very different type of pain while looking through the Temple's recordings of Order 66.]

PAIN AWAITS YOU HERE! But that is exactly why you should click, kudos, comment, bookmark, and let this fic live in your head rent free like it’s living in mine. Truly couldn’t get it out of there if I wanted to! AND I DO NOT! Yet another deathfic and angst with The Team (TM). Read it, peeps.

A moment I loved: 

“And then?”Obi-wan closes his eyes, pretends he can’t feel the weight of the body in his arms, pretends it’s really Anakin he’s talking to and not some worrying coping mechanism. “And then we fight.” he says.

to hold by @katierosefun

Summary: “What—” Ahsoka looked up and, where she had expected to find a mumbling drunk, she found instead—

“Master Kenobi?” Ahsoka asked, stunned. She straightened, already swinging her backpack around herself again.

“Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan managed. He was breathing hard, just barely bent over because he was supporting, Ahsoka realized dumbly, Anakin.

Anakin, whose head was lolling against Obi-Wan’s shoulder. Whose face was two shades too pale and eyes fluttering and lips parted in a soundless groan that brought Ahsoka right back to battlefields and med bays and other places that she hadn’t been in a long, long while. [or: after leaving the Order, Ahsoka runs into some familiar faces.]

Caroline at it again with the post-wrong-jedi disaster trio angst comin’ in hot! Some platonic bed-sharing, some confused Anakin, some conflicted Ahsoka, some pained Obi-Wan. Well–strike that. They’re all in pain. But what do we expect, honestly? What do we want, honestly? Pain. We want pain.

A moment I loved: 

“Only another dream,” Obi-Wan said. He looked at Ahsoka, his face just barely shadowed. “Seems that it’s passed.”

Another. 

Ahsoka’s stomach twisted. She looked at the hand she was holding. It was strange—she couldn’t remember if she had ever actually held onto Anakin’s hand this tightly before, but now she could feel the familiar callouses, make out just the faintest of old scars. Ahsoka squeezed it once.

Not near as many as I planned to do or have saved and ready to rec, but...this already got, er...quite lengthy. So! Same time, next week! I’ll have some more! (Well, probably not same time and maybe not even next week...but soon.) 

[kittymonks-fanfiction]

Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 4

Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the fanfic where it’s possible for nine American minors in Germany without passports to buy nine plane tickets all heading to eight different countries at the same time using USD. There were less attempted sexual assaults last time, which is always a plus, but I can’t say that there won’t be any attempted crimes against minors this time around. What do I mean by that? Let’s jump in and figure that out.

Chapter 4: Substitutes and Suitcases

Believe it or not, this is actually one of the better chapter titles in Genderswapped Nations…even if, as you’ll find out later, the ‘suitcases’ aspect of the title has very little to do with the plot of the chapter.

The plane landed, and Ariana got off. She was immediately greeted by businessmen, who looked at her nicely at first but then looked confused. “What?” Ariana asked.

“We were expecting Mr. Kirkland,” one of the businessmen replied.

“Wait a minute…you’re not our boss who’s hundreds of years old and is the embodiment of the country we live in! Harvey, you said he would be on this flight!”

And wasn’t she just getting off a normal passenger flight? If they were expecting England, why would they intercept a thirteen year old girl?

“You mean England?” Ariana asked. “Shouldn’t he be here right now?”

“No, he left yesterday on classified matters,” another one of the businessmen said.

Oh cool, so nobody knows why he left to go to Germany. That’s why he…left businessmen at the airport so they could talk to him once he got off the plane with his genderbend? Sorry to say, but it’s not ‘classified’ anymore if these guys witness you getting off a plane with a younger female version of yourself after the fact.

“Oh, is that so?” Ariana said. “I’ll fill in for him until he gets back.”

Uhhhh, what? Why would this be the first thing she suggests? She’s only come to Britain so she can…um, avoid England (I think?). If he’s only going to be gone for a little while longer, why would she volunteer to take control of the entire country? Isn’t there a prime minister to do that? Isn’t there the UK Parliament? I mean hell, if you really want to prove that you’re an idiot, past me, you could even claim that Queen Elizabeth II is in charge—she’s not, but it would make more sense than what’s going on here.

“And why would we put a teenager in charge of Great Britain?” one of the businessmen asked.

“I can cook better,” Ariana said.

“Oh, well, that was the only thing that we thought was wrong with Mr. Kirkland. And since you are technically just him in a dress, I guess you could fill in for him for a while.” One of the businessmen decided.

“Great!” Ariana exclaimed.

This reads like a fucking parody. But no, this is real canon! She just shows up, volunteers to take control of the country while England is away, and they let her do it because she can cook better (despite the fact that she shouldn’t know that England’s a bad cook since she’s never even met the guy). This is like the plot to some Disney Channel movie, it’s insane.

This was also the case for the other girls; they all filled in for their counterparts while they were away.

And as if it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, the same thing happens to all of the other girls. Even Allison, who’s not even old enough to register for an account on YouTube according to its terms of service. Wow.

Later, Ariana got a phone call after she was brought to England’s house. She answered it, and was greeted by Louella. “Ariana, the countries are having a meeting. Get to Berlin.”

But…didn’t they just leave Berlin? And I’m sure that if England left Berlin right after Ariana, he should be back by now. And if he hasn’t left yet because of flight delays, then you’re going right back to him!

“Why do we have to have a meeting now?” Ariana asked.

“None of the other countries know we’re filling in for the real ones,” Louella explained. “We need to introduce ourselves.”

“Right,” Ariana said.

You couldn’t just use Skype or hold a press conference or something? They don’t hold entire world meetings every time a new president/prime minister gets elected. It makes it seem like Louella wants to hold this meeting just to brag or something. In fact, by the time this meeting ends, all of the nations are going to be home and ready to take control again! What’s the point?

She got money to board a plane to Berlin, and did just that. When she entered the meeting room, she noticed all the nations, except the gender swapped ones, were staring at her. When she sat down, Louella stood.

Well that’s a familiar occurrence. I have to wonder if Ariana was really the last to arrive though. How did the North Americans arrive in Berlin within the same day that they were asked to go there, even arriving BEFORE another European did?

“May I have your attention, please?” She asked firmly. The other nations gave her their attention, but many still had confused faces. “First, I want to discuss-”

“Why are we being bossed around by a thirteen year old girl?” one of the nations questioned.

I don’t know what nation this was supposed to be (I think I sort of headcanoned that it was Romano or Belarus or someone??) but I love them. They should be the main character of the fanfiction instead of Mary-Sue Ariana.

“I was getting to that,” Louella growled, before regaining her normal voice. “As you can see, a few of the attendees are the thirteen year old female counterparts of our respective countries.”

“So, where are the original ones?” another voice asked Louella.

They should know where they are if they had a meeting just a few days ago about Prussia kidnapping these girls in the first place.  Obviously they’re away ‘rescuing’ the thirteen year old girls that have now replaced them.

By the way, past me, you missed a good opportunity to have someone freak out and think that the original countries were killed and these children are trying to replace them. It would have made this meeting have an actual point because that would’ve been funny as hell with Louella on the spot having to prove that they don’t have nefarious intentions and that the originals are probably fine.

“I’ve consulted the other gender swaps, and the original countries are away on ‘classified matters’.” The counterpart answered.

“Was that it?” Another country asked.

“I guess, I don’t really have any other important things to talk about,” Louella said. Some of the nations grumbled as they all stood up and left the gender swaps in the room alone. “How did I do?” Louella asked.

That was, without a doubt, the best political meeting I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Wow. If all UN meetings are like that, where they only discuss one point of business that only affects nine countries and immediately becomes irrelevant a few hours later, then I should really look into joining the UN. It would be a walk in the park. I am the Shenandoah River, after all. That counts as a nation that can be united with other nations, right? I have poisonous fish who can vouch for me!

“You just let some of them walk all over you.” Ariana said.

“You and three other people were the only ones who got to speak,” Kierra said.

“Yeah! Those meetings are nothing when I don’t get to speak!” Allison complained.

All of those are completely justified criticisms because really, the meeting didn’t have a point at all. And would you be surprised if I told you that this exact same thing essentially happens next chapter too??

Louella nodded. “Well, we should get going now. Be sure to visit Germany more often, okay?” She asked her friends.

She doesn’t have anything to say to these criticisms. She knows that it was a pointless meeting, she just wanted to make everyone respect her authority by forcing them to come to Berlin for two minutes for a pointless meeting.

Everyone nodded, except Francisca. “It’s very unusual that you aren’t speaking for once, Francisca,” Ariana teased.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with you? You’ve seemed worried this whole meeting.” Louella said.

“It’s just…” Francisca began. “I don’t think it was very smart to say out counterparts weren’t present. Some countries would take our ‘Substitution’ as an opportunity to take over our countries.”

This is almost a decent point, but the United States doesn’t get conquered every time the president leaves to go meet with foreign leaders. I’m American, so I can’t speak for Europe on this point. For all I know, the presidency in France could be trading hands quicker than a hot potato right now.  

And hahahahahaha Francisca said Substitution like the chapter title Substitution and Suitcases oh how charming.

Kierra nodded in agreement. “I’d say the only one safe from that would be Iscah.”

“And why wouldn’t I be safe?” Allison questioned.

“Seriously?” Ariana said. “Just because you’re in the west doesn’t mean you’re safe.”

“So why is Iscah safe?” Allison questioned, but quickly took it back, remembering the night she hid in Ariana’s closet to keep away from the creepy girl.

It’s super funny, the way the fic just keeps telling us how creepy Iscah is even though Iscah never does anything creepy. I also have to point out the fact that not only is Iscah safe because ‘she’s creepy’, but it’s implied to be (I think) wintertime and, well…ask Napoleon how well invading Russia on foot during the winter usually goes.

Aaaand Allison should be safer from active ‘invasion’ compared to the European countries because if America’s already on his way back from Europe, then it would be impossible for someone currently in Berlin to leave this meeting to go to America and invade while he’s still on the plane. Since he left to go to the same place way before they did, it goes without saying that they wouldn’t get to America before he would. Not only that, but, the U.S. has the second largest military in the world. I don’t care how ‘evil’ you think you are, it would be a pretty bad idea to single-handedly troll a country that throws as much money at its military as the U.S. does.

“We should be getting back then,” Ariana said.

“Remember! Don’t forget to visit Germany!” Louella called as the nations walked away.

“If there is one, aru,” Yiesha muttered.

Oh god, edgy. Anyway, as you can see, it was by this point that I caught on to China’s verbal tick from the Japanese version of Hetalia and threw it in for good measure. It…doesn’t make much sense, really. That’s all there really is to say about it.

Meanwhile, England’s plane landed. He got his bags, and was confused not to find any businessmen waiting for him like they were told to.

So he straight up just told those businessmen to amble about aimlessly until he came back? But why? The mission was ‘classified’, so what were they there for?

He decided to walk back to his house himself, but when he got there, the door was locked.

Is that…unusual? Doesn’t he normally leave the country’s capital locked when he leaves on business trips? No wonder everyone thinks that their countries are going to get conquered, England doesn’t leave his door locked when he leaves!! Who knows who else could be leaving their doors wide open right now??

He rang the doorbell, aggravated enough to kick down the door but not wanting to harm his house.

And he doesn’t have his key? This almost seems offensive to people from the UK. This is the sort of forgetfulness you’d expect out of a character like America or Italy, definitely not England.

…unless the joke is that he’s old and forgetful, in which case…ha? There’s not much of a punch line if it’s a joke. It’s more of a nuisance than anything.

Ariana heard the chime of the doorbell, and ran to the door.

OH GOD I think I have whiplash, that POV change was so sudden.

But she was shocked, because when she opened the door, England was there, and he threw one of his briefcases at her about two seconds after the door was opened, assuming it was France or some other perverted intruder.

What the shit?? Why would he throw his suitcase at the first person who opened the door assuming that someone broke into his house?  Does he not have maids and butlers? Why would he ring the doorbell if he expected a home intruder to answer?

Oh and by the way Ariana’s totally dead now. England might not be the strongest but he is a grown man and he threw that briefcase directly at her face. Someone needs to call the funeral home up the street.

He soon apologized as Ariana lifted the suitcase off her face and they recognized each other.

“That’s the same guy from Prussia’s house,” Ariana thought. “Prudence was lying!”

She may not be dead, but she definitely has some brain damage. Seriously, that should be abundantly obvious now. Nobody put two and two together and assumed that the countries were away looking for their genderbends since they couldn’t find the real guys anywhere in the capital buildings of these countries?

“Who are you?” England asked.

“Ariana,” the girl replied. “And you must be England.”

“Yeah.” The man replied.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a minute or two, until this silence was broken by a phone call.

What a fantastic exchange. This is exactly how I would greet my genderbent counterpart upon first meeting them and walloping them with a suitcase. At least Ariana’s completely fine after having been physically assaulted by a grown man though, that’s a relief.

Ariana walked over and answered. “Hello, England, Ariana speaking,” she said.

“This is the awesome Prussia,” the other line said. “And I’m coming over there soon!”

What the fuck??

“What?” Ariana asked. England ran over to his counterpart and yanked the phone from her hand.

“Hey! Who’s this?” he demanded.

England just telepathically knows that the phone call was bad news from Ariana’s only reply being a calm—and not incredulous—“What?”

“This is the awesome me,” Prussia repeated. “And I’m guessing this is England now.”

WHY DID HE ASSUME THAT ENGLAND WASN’T HOME YET??? It’s bizarre enough that it took him this long! Assuming that it would take him even longer is just insane!!

“You’re bloody right this is England now!” England shouted. “Now what did you just say to my counterpart?”

“Eh, nothing.” Prussia said. He hung up.

Hold on, what the hell just happened?? No, seriously! Does this imply that Prussia planned for the girls to take over their host countries? Did he place a diversion to keep the countries from getting home in a timely manner so he could single-handedly conquer them? What’s this Batman Gambit bullshit??

“So, what did he say to you?” England said in a normal but slightly aggravated tone.

“He said he was invading,” Ariana replied. “But I guess he quit out on it when he realized you’re here.”

“Probably,” England muttered.

Is this…a common occurrence? If our president leaves again anytime soon, can I call the White House and threaten to invade in the hopes that they’ll just give me the job instead? I’m way too young, but I’m sure I can cook better than our current president can. That’s all the work experience I need to run a country, after all.

Then, the phone rang again. Ariana walked over to pick it up, but England stopped her and answered it himself. “What is it?” he questioned.

“Hey, it’s France,” the phone said. “I just wanted to brag about how cute my gender swap is!”

“Really?” England asked.

Did…nobody else get a threatening call from Prussia? Just England for some reason? None of the countries actually bordering Germany? Like, say…France??

Not to mention that it’s squicky for a grown man to gush about how cute a little girl is to another grown man, like, 99% of the time.

(Note: The other 1% is just Maes Hughes raving about how much he loves his daughter. In all other contexts, it’s squicky.)

“Who is it?” Ariana asked loudly.

England covered the speaking part of the phone as h answered, “It’s just France.” Ariana nodded in understanding, and England brought the phone back to his ear.

There was no purpose for that little segment of England explaining who was on the line since all it did was repeat to the audience, “Hey, the person on the other end of the phone is France.” That was the perfect opportunity to tell a joke via Ariana’s reaction to this information and you blew it.

“Yes, she’s so cute! And by that background voice I just heard, yours must be dreadfully ugly!” France responded.

“That’s not true!” England vindicated.

Do I need to remind my audience of the ‘fun fact’ I pulled out in chapter one about England’s English VA?? I don’t like having to share that information more than I have to, but I’ll do it. I’ll fricking do it man.

He abrubtly got another phone call, and he made France hold as he answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, British dude, it’s America,” the phone said.

…British dude. I’ll let that speak for itself. Just…British dude. This man raised you when you were a child!!

“And I bet this is about your gender swap,” England sighed.

“Hey, how’d you know?” America asked.

“Lucky guess.” England replied sarcastically. America, though, did not catch this sarcasm, and instead continued to talk.

What are the chances that both countries would call England specifically at the same time to give him the same information? If England just got home, shouldn’t America still be on his plane going over the Atlantic Ocean? There’s no way a flight from Berlin to London would take the same amount of time as a flight from Berlin to Washington, D.C..

“I just wanted to say, my gender swap is awesome! She likes all the same foods I do, and she gets along well with Mr. Tony!”

Does…Does America usually call him ‘Mr. Tony’? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I remember him being referred to as just Tony.

in the background, England could lightly hear the alien mentioned muttering swears, probably knowing England was on the phone. Then, America hung up.

That’s just it? No reply? He just hangs up when he’s finished talking? That’s cold.

England redialed France, and the French man asked, “Who was calling?”

“Who do you think?” England questioned.

France seemed to understand who England meant.

Great, now they both have telepathy.

“Well, anyway, I just wanted to say that my gender swap is better than yours.”

France hung up before England could protest.

How productive a conversation that was. It was so unnecessary that it hurt. When you have a German extremist kidnapping children from America, brainwashing them, and threatening to conquer Europe, is bragging to your rival over the phone really your biggest concern?

He unplugged his phone, and faced Ariana and said, “Still sorry about the suitcase thing.”

“No problem,” Ariana replied with a smile.

“It’s okay, I just have a broken nose and five missing teeth. All is forgiven.” “Besides, it makes me look more British anyways!”

I’ve finally caught on to the China ‘aru’ thing, even if the only China reference was one line by China’s counterpart.

Yes, because that was the only thing wrong with this fic.

It seems like it’s over again, right? You should know better by now that something like this is not the kind of ending I throw into the end of FanFics. Seriously, remember Chapter 2, ‘Conversation and Costumes’? It’s like that ending.

Oh, you mean how it ended on a cliffhanger of ‘are the countries going to accept the girls or not?’ Because no, this ending is nothing like that. The plot should actually be over now, with maybe just one more chapter where Prussia gets punished somehow for kidnapping a bunch of little girls.

And it’s weird that I capitalized both ‘f’s in ‘fanfics’. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I assumed it looked cooler.

Also, *spoiler alert* the next chapter will feature Allison and America! Because neither of them has said ‘I’m the hero’ yet, and I thought that would only be appropriate :3

Fan-fricking-tastic. Because America and his counterpart weren’t Flanderized enough as it was.

Well, that was chapter 4 and my god was it a clusterfuck of horrible decisions and insane world politics. Anyway, be sure to come back next time for more pointless meetings, senseless violence, and the beginning of World War III. No, seriously.  I’m not exaggerating. And the abuse counter doubles, if you were worried that Alexis wasn’t being tortured enough as it was.

(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER=5)