#how fucking selfish is it to keep causing problems for myself so i dont have to bear the responsibility of success

[swampgallows]

im just an observer now but i see clips on socmed of what the rave scene is doing and man i just dont think it used to be like this. why have people suddenly become so brazenly selfish and destructive? i was always of the opinion even deep in the scene that the reason we went to derelict warehouses in rundown areas was because there were no established places for us to have our events. sometimes there were! we'd get to have them at banquet halls or clubs in hollywood or even legit venues like the shrine; all the events in the uk were at clubs. or theyd end up out in the countryside, like how ours end up in the desert. (and even still cops would try to chase us out... like bro if we cant go out into the middle of the desert and do this where we're not bothering anybody, all that's gonna make us do is go back to the city and bother people...) but the goal was never to make another castlemorton and trash the fucking place. we're not 'sticking it to the man' by making neighborhoods unsafe and leaving trash in civilians' homes and stealing from their cars. on top of stories of people ruining the audio equipment owned by the djs or the people throwing the actual damn party, and seeing videos of people just huddled on a street corner and calling it a 'renegade', like man we partied under overpasses and in the trainyard and shit but not in the middle of the street of a residential neighborhood. we didnt push out encampments of houseless folks. i just cant see where 'plur' is in a scene like that.

like yeah there's always been petty theft and drug use, ive been in some nasty situations myself, had a gun waved around and pointed in my face because people were arguing over who got to sell nitrous, but that was never like. the rave's fault. it was never a problem inherent to the party, it was the people who came to it. but that's where the community comes in: to keep out folks who are there to drug up underage girls or there to make a quick buck or whatever other reason. people stopped accepting bookings from bad promoters, stopped booking bad djs, stopped letting in people who were there just to cause problems. but now it seems like those are the people in charge of shit, or otherwise whoever is in charge is just letting it all slide.

i dunno again it's just what im seeing on fb n shit because i havent been able to go to a party since feb 2020, but from everything ive been seeing i feel like there might not be anything to go back to

[scarsinmysoul]

i experienced things

and i showed myself how strong i was

getting higher from the lows is much higher than my goals

since i came from school i worried about my goals,

in life there is no role

instead of being on your own

fuck this man i cant deny it

all this pressure i refuse to deny it

all this time i got pressure but refuse to deny it

i opened up about past distractions

like killin pain with the liquor and fake friends to rely on

got me falling down from the crown i was hopin’ to see my life getting worse so i started doping

i didn’t like it like i used to

you know what i mean getting elevated

was nothing like it used to-

it is opposite from levitating

damn what my crush aint leveling up

but i thought you was the one who figured it out nigga

nobody leaving it up for money making

i cried myself to sleep dreaming how i could make it

thinking of the verses of gods people trying to fulfill their promises

do i really got a purpose?

goddamnit god fuck you well you know i didn’t mean it

man what is going on with these love songs bitch

everybody heart broken trying to find their own love song shit

its enough struggle already fighting the lows in my pose thinking i lost my cause..

i refuse to deny it i fucked up but watch the snakes conquer

thought i was the problem making my way to my own troubles

facing my fears to the old struggles

here i won yet again an

unappreciated goal

fuck this shit

I FUCKING WON !

I see them struggling with my eyes in disguise

wanted to help but you lost your sight

the truth hurts but i cant help

but face your own fears and it might help

“c’mon lets do this together” but i lost sight

of the fake friends and blessings in disguise

nigga you made it look in the sky.

its the cries for help that you know.

how come i didn’t appreciate that now

when all i wanted was for it to end now

i hear that all the time you can make it

but Lord HOW?

guidance can be fake and you guys know how

i fell down from the top star

i was safe yet experienced lifes pain

it does both

fuck you up and gives you chances

for the dances in the blessings

and in the same places

you saw your death sentence.

its easy fuck it up

but don’t start begging

when you clearly didn’t want to do better.

lifes hard yes i said that

my wife keeps dragging me down

but guess who said that

the toughest part in your soul who couldn’t breakdown so its us againt the truth

but guess what… how?

we wait for the shootback of honor

you cowards don’t deserve to have a boner

you guys make me laugh

on your selfish dishonor .

be quiet don’t disturb

im on my purpose and i start to know

why im put on this earth

all the crying makes sense now

i never loved to focuse on the truth of manipulative behavior.

now i got it fuck you and your selfish behavior’s

finally im done with my own toxic ways

i know your jealous its far worse

no more self explanation for what its worth

all yall people made it worse

cmon now child i dont want to worry

bout the tears falling down while i tell my story

fuck it all up and try it again it will never end.

fears & pain relax and struggle with grace.

gurl you got this it’s your soul that remains.

truthfully you never stopped shining because you are kept save. the angels the fates

is the real disgrace

stop waiting for help

prince charming

come and save me

out of this psychiatrie

he aint even real

fuck me

and these dreams

i gotte save ME

damn it fuck me

alcohol is leaving my vains

carefully

im shaking

but you cant stop me

my brain keeps remainding me

of the times men came too close to me

Flashbacks of the times when

it happened

….

2020

took my breath away

I keep remembering

and I want to drink my pain away

(i guess it was me

and i saw the world a little too blurry.

stop downplaying it

it was sexual abuse

i refused to believe it

scared of gods judgment

too understanding for nothing)

who took my innocence away?

2023 and it happened again

wtf did I do?

past life karma to deserve all of this too?

didn’t happen just twice

but four to five times!

I can heal it on my own

but the scars in my soul

they have fully grown

but no worries.

i can do it own my own

like a big furry

down to earth was never my stomp story

these stories I created were just words

because i was dissociated,

my pain brought me into dark toughts

that weren’t accepted

after giving so much love

I just wanted to cease existence!

Nobody believed me tho

I can do it like billie

“no time to die” was the opposite of living.

daddy never saw me feeling dead

suicidal thoughts but he doesn’t care

all my friends were stuck up in bed

i had nightmares,

questionable realities,

feeling tired but had enough sleep

the cycle in the streets

is what brought me closer to me!

Slow down honey and take the truth in

stop quetion your reality

remember who you are

me myself and i that’s what i have

god i am so fucking tired

please lift me up

aware that it will all come to an end

the question is

when?

I grew strong in this game

i wont let you win

struggled too much

in your manipulative games!

They went so far in this drama

making me believe that it is

my karma

in this life of lies

all this time

i just tried to survive.

i am a worrier,

fighting

my mind,

people,

energies

plus+

other entities

Solar Plexus needed something

i could feel it grow stronger as i opened up

about my hunger

fuck you narcissistic beings

that trapped me in being

anxiously unhappy with MY being!

Hypersensitivity is doing the most

y’all could never understand

that I feel the most!

Sucking on my energie

schizophrenic thats what they called me.

whatever

I will be me

and be happy

nothing like you weak enteties

trying to feed off of

good peoples energies!

Remembering how Cole said

Change it slow always has been

always will be but fuck that imma bust back

until they kill me

i say

change it slow always has been

always will be but fuck that imma speak up

until they kill me

feel me?

ShaNice was

nice

is nice

and will always

stay Nice

You can’t break my Spirit!

[thediktatortot]

The mind set the terf blood libel energy is bringing out is exhausting,a co-worker asked me if I like the series and I had to explain I divorced myself from the franchise because of Jk. You think she'd drop it right? No she says she keeps hearing stuff about it, I try to shut this down again(she knows im trans)then she goes on to explain she doesn't agree with the terf but wants to play it to support the developer it just kept going on even though i laid down the fact the moneys just going to something bad, get told shes dropping it cause our 'friendship' is more important and doesn't want to fight,

They put more value into wanting to play a video game because their selfish. We've all done it a time or two, but there are definitely times where it's glaringly obvious that depending on what choice you make it really shows you how far you'll go to not be apart of the problem.

It's not even a vital thing, not a needed thing that somehow impacts the world without it's existence.

It's a video game and the only two answers are "Dont support a company and the creators of this project that directly puts money in the pockets of people who want only ill will towards an entire group of people." and "Not give them my fucking money so they have less money to hurt people with."

[silverghost1001]

It hurts so much, I dont know why I can never do anything right. Especially when I try to. I only hurt wveryone and cause fights and make everything wrong and im sorry i know im not supposed to be alive, i should've died but idk how or why im still here. Maybe I should've just given in back in 2019. Maybe they'd have been better like that. Without me to annoy and make more bills that they'd need to pay. Maybe if I stopped eating and slowly used less and less things it'll make them happier? If i made myself invisible they wouldn't be able to be mad at. If i died then i wouldn't be a problem anymore and it hurts because im rrying my best i promise i am but its never enough how can i ever be enoghj? I want to make them happy but im so useless i cant even do basic stuff im too useless to even keep myself alive and even more useless to just kill myself already and get rid of their problme because if i hadnt been born everyone wouldve been happier and lived better and i wouldnt be there to make expenses and make people upset and do everything wrong because even my name i manage to get wrong and im so rieed i dont know what to do anymore and the only thing i deserve is pain and bad things but im so selfish that i still crave to be able to relay on somwone to be able to tell them my fears and woeries and then hug then when my heart feels heavy and my lungs refuse to breathe and everythings too much and i cant cry i just want to die but its Selfish because people depend on me and itd just prove how fucking useless i am because id be letting them down just cuz my family is always angry at me and everyone says my family doesn't hate me but if they dont, then im so fucking scared of the moment i take a wrong step and they hate me because this is horrible and im constantly scared of everything and i cant even losten to voice messages because I get scared that it'll be just them screaming at me for something while on good days i can baeely pay enough attention to pass my classes and i only manage to make friends because thwy probably pity me and i probably wouldnt make a single difference if i just vanished and maybe thats what i should do. Maybe i should just run away and die far away, maybe by the time they found my body everyone would've forgotten and moved on. I mean, people have already done that while im still alive. My mom simply left and pretends i never exosted, tells everyone i hate my brother even when I'd kill myself if it meant him being okay and happy. Im not religious, and i certainly dont believe on fairy tales, but all my wishes and prayers are that the 2 people that still matter to me, will be fine and happy. Even if ut costs my own happiness. Wven if it costs my own life. I would rather die in miswry and alone rhen know that i could've made them okay and prefered to keep this shitty existence going. They matter. They are important. Im just a fucking accident that should've died years ago and everyone probably regrets saving from each and every single i almost died during these 17 years. Maybe its not too late... Who am i kidding? I couldnt simply go and diaturb the school's calendar. There's group projects that depend on me and I've already done too many wrong things for me to just do more as if it'd be okay. Yhey dont deserve that stress, they already deal with so much. But me? I deserve every single bit of pain and anger that is inflicted upon me. I deserve to be hated and screamed at. I deserve every single horrible thing that may happen to me because im just a swlfish souless useless piece of trash and i should die already because im good for nothing other than taking up space and using up resources that could've been used for something better and more important. And evne if i wrote for the rest of my life i wouldnt be able to get everything out and im just so tired on so many ways.

Im sorry. Im truly very sorry. Im going to sleep now.

It'll be fine.

[cheese-water]

GOD ARHHHGHHGGH this is an emotional rant because I’m exhausted and need to get this off my chest.

Wear a goddamn mask. I don’t care if you already threw them all out. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable. I don’t care if it fogs your glasses. The ONLY REASON YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO WEAR A MASK is if you have bad respiratory issues and literally cannot breathe while wearing them. You know who you are. Thank you for putting in more effort than whiny, ignorant, able-bodied asshats who feel that their comfort takes priority over others' lives.

God, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE. EMPATHY. JUST A SLIVER OF EMPATHY FOR OTHERS. SO MUCH GOOD IN THE WORLD CAN COME FROM IT. AND YET YOU HAVE THE GALL TO CALL ME CRAZY FROM PROTECTING YOU FROM MY GERMS? GET A FUCKING HOBBY DUDE. CAUSE WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DO NOW WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU.

I got COVID for the first time in the fall of last year. When everything was "fine and dandy." And it’s not that I was a hermit or anything. I frequently had to go to school and work and whatever. And while I always wore KN90, that didn’t fucking matter. Masks protect others around you from your germs, not vice versa—just look at any COVID mask poster.

I got COVID because people stopped caring. It felt like a fucking joke to walk into a crowded room, let alone out in public, full of people who just don’t care about what may happen to you. Something they can prevent by just doing the bare minimum. Oh! My mistake! I can’t BELIEVE I asked YOU to think of others for once. How dare I even suggest you get your head out of your ass and see that the world doesn’t revolve around you, or maybe you’re the problem? The MERE THOUGHT OF INCONVENIENTLY CHANGING YOUR DAILY LIFE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE DIEING IS JUST TOO GOD DAMN POLITICAL FOR YOU TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

So many people have the blood of millions stained on their hands. Horrific endings to millions of great lives, full of potential. Distraught families are unable or unsure how to put themselves back together without them; like shooting a gun at a perfect piece of pottery, the supports are swiftly taken, and what remains is fine dust. All of this comes from either ignorance or laziness. We all do. Hell, I do. But at least I try to scrub my hands. You don’t see me guiltlessly parading around for all to see, wearing my negligence’s victims like a shining fucking badge of honor. Others do this. Yet I’m the crazy one. I’m the paranoid one. I'M THE POLITICAL ONE

WEARING A MASK ISNT A POLITICAL STATEMENT. SURE IT CERTAINLY BECAME ONE AFTER THE PAST BACKWARD ASS YEARS WE HAD BUT IT SHOULDNT BE. I DON’T WEAR A MASK BECAUSE I WANT TO BE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY OR BECAUSE ACTUALLY I WANT TO BE ON THE LEFT

There’s a reason why I’m so angry. I wish it was out of pure selflessness for my fellow humans. I wish it was purely out of my love and desire for us all to be healthy, even those who choose to ignore the facts and hurt others because of it. I really do wish I had the energy to be like that. But I’m selfish. And I’m not going to pretend all my actions and all my emotions aren’t deeply rooted in this selfishness. And if my telling you guilt trips you into actually doing some good in the world, then so fucking be it.

I don't want my mom to die. She’s immunocompromised from a chronic illness too long to spell, but in short, if she gets COVID, I don’t know what I’ll do. I really don’t. And I know so many are in this situation and can’t do anything about it, are in worse situations or conditions, or are going through the grieving process now. When I got COVID in August, I was heartbroken. For the past two and a half years, I have put in the effort to keep myself safe. I wore a mask, sat alone at lunch, used every ignored hand sanitizer bottle I saw, and stayed at home as much as possible, all for nothing. All because some strangers can’t do the bare minimum.

I wasn’t only heartbroken, though. I was scared. I was terrified for not only everyone in my household, but especially my mom. Every single day I was sick, I worried that even though I was quarantining, her contact behind my door would literally be the death of her. If she just said "I love you" for a second too long, she’d be dead by morning. All because people stopped caring. I couldn’t tell you how much I cried that week, even if I tried. I didn’t want to kill my mom, even if it were by someone else’s hands.

We’re all okay now, and nothing happened BECAUSE WE WERE ABLE TO AFFORD VACCINATIONS. NOT BECAUSE OF OMICRONS' "LACK OF HOSPITALIZATIONS AND MORTALITY RATE," BULLSHIT. Because of these lies, there was a very high likelihood of me not writing this post and instead trying to cope and grapple with the sixth month anniversary of when I gave up on the world.

There are people behind those numbers. Get that through your fucking skull. Every time you go outside, just think, "Do I want to make someone’s worst nightmare a living reality?" If you don’t, then you’re going to have to put in the effort.

Just like the rest of us fucking do

You know how sometimes you catch someone in a lie, and so they tell an even bigger lie to try and cover up the first lie they told?

Well, that’s happening right now.

Last winter, a handful of celebrity doctors went on mainstream news networks to assure us that Omicron was “mild.” They carpet-bombed us with articles and tweets, doing their best to brainwash everyone.

They were wrong.

In the end, real science junked that idea. An article in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that Omicron killed more people than previous variants, even when adjusting for other factors. Another study by doctors at Massachusetts General and Harvard Medical found that Omicron was just as deadly. In fact, “the risks of hospitalization and mortality were nearly identical.” As it turns out, the entire idea of “mild” Omicron was based on an old, flawed idea known as the law of declining virulence, developed by a doctor who was studying tick-borne disease in cows. It was debunked decades ago.

Most epidemiologists know that viruses don’t magically evolve to become milder. Virus evolution is random and chaotic.

In some cases, viruses evolve to become more deadly.

A handful of actual scientists tried to explain all this last winter, including disease experts at Johns Hopkins. A handful of other established experts spoke out against this myth. As a microbiologist at Penn State told Politifact, “You can’t just say it’s going to become nicer.” They were largely ignored, because everyone already sort of believed the misinformation. If they knew it was based on a study about cows, they probably would’ve thought twice.

This year, the makers of “it’s mild” are back.

They’re selling “immunity debt.”

We should be skeptical.

Schools and daycares are sending letters home to parents talking about this “immunity debt.” They’re saying that healthy children are getting sicker, even dying, because they weren’t exposed to enough germs over the last two years. Newspapers and TV stations across the country are running with it, proposing it as a “possible reason” for this year’s explosion in pediatric hospitalizations. Meanwhile, major medical organizations have sent a letter to President Biden urging him to declare an emergency over an “alarming surge of pediatric hospitalizations” due to a range of respiratory viruses, including Covid.

A lot of people are drinking the “immunity debt” kool-aid.

After all, Americans have believed for generations that getting sick is “good for you.” We think our immune system behaves like a muscle. We worry that if we’re not giving it a workout, we’ll get weak.

It’s a myth, just like the law of declining virulence.

Here’s why.

[tumbleweedbloodbash]

Litterally a MASSIVE vent under the cut

Cw: neglect talk, childhood truama, school truama, fakeclaiming self, being used, self hatred, seeking abuse, suicide implications and everything familiar

Silas / Tumbleweed [he/it/they]

I am so pathetic. So fucking pathetic. I am the biggest disappointment in my family 🤷‍♂️ I'll never be anything, I'll never be what they expect of me and it's all my own fault. I really could have been better, I mean I could have changed so much been so much more but I didn't.

I will quite litterally NEVER be what they wanted out of me because how down to earth pathetic I truly am. I'm better off dead and sheltered from any chance to succeed because there is no point, every opportunity im given I throw away because I can't mentally push through it. I feel pathetic for it honestly. I want to be able to go to school I should be able to but I just can't, my mentality and my body stop me- I can't even try to go to school without being in so much pain from stress worsening my chronic illness.

Trying to be the one who stays in front for most of the day but the stress of school causes us to rapid switch so often now. The way I FUCKING TRY! to avoid the people who dislike us but first dya back I quite litterally run into them by accident. I made contact with them ffs I was trying to avoid them, I find it funny how they went from being nice to fucking lol cow farmer reddit junkies it's wild how much a few months and a shitty influence can do to someone. Idk I just feel like I'm reaching my breaking point.

I know I say that alot especially on here aha, but its just getting worse and worse. I feel the need to isolate myself again to try and live some sort of life because I'm not outside of this, im just an vicious animal to my family, a trick dog to our friends and a fucking stepping stone to anyone who I put before myself. I don't actually have a life because I spread mine out so much for the people around me to just walk all over.

I never NEVER put myself first because I'd be seen as selfish, I'd be seen as ignorant, uncaring and rude. So I'll sit there having a shut down in the car. I'll lay there holding back tears, I'll kick others out of front and take it over, I'll sit there in class and try not to violently breakdown, I'll suppress my rage just abit more so I can be there for you. I'll rid myself of hatred to seem more nice! I'll fucking break the walls so you don't have to see me break myself. I'll walk away so you don't see me cry, I'll act like I didn't just get triggered from you raising your voice, I'll suppress that really icky feeling inside me because I need to be there for others. I'll act like I'm not about to have a sensory melt down. I'll downplay every issue of my own to make yours seem so much worse so I need to help. I'll pretend like I'm not triggered by so many small things! I'll be perfect! I'll be seen as fucking perfect in that scenario!

Because truly I'm not even fucking real. I'm not real! I'm just a fucking peice of a shattered identity that only broke this badly because I was too pathetic to just deal with the childhood truama! I was too pathetic and let it all get to me :) I was so pathetic that I had to have coped by dissociating through the neglect, abuse, mental torture and nearly being killed multiple times. Couldn't even face my problems than no wonder I can't now because I'm even more fragmented and I can't stop splitting on people! IM FUCKING TRYING NOT TO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO BUT I WONT FUCKING STOP!.

But guess what. I'll put on another act, like there isn't a thing going on! Like I'm just a trick dog made to follow people around as it's only job, I'll be your dog. I'll be a dog to anyone who needs one! I have no feelings because I'm not human afterall! So use me. Please just use me, please. I crave it, I crave just being used and fucking abused. I know when it's happening but I just keep repeating it because I deserve it.

Sometimes I wonder why I still care to do specific things when every single time I do them it's followed by atleast 1-3 scenarios. There isn't any changing it, believe me I've tried- I have tried so many diffrent things but it's also a 3 scene scenario! Maybe I keep doing it in hopes one day, ONE FUCKING DAY! there might be a chance it won't play out the same- it's always played out like this. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I'm starting to get sick of it, im starting to resent so much now and I hate it! Maybe our ex was right and that we will never fucking change.

I feel like him now, waiting for a change in something thats never going to fucking happen because no matter how long we wait, no matter how many things we try, no matter what we do it's always a repeat of the last time. I'm starting to lose ideas on what to do or how to cope through it, im losing it I really am. I think I need to just shrivel up and never come back, I can't even live. I'm sorry, im so fucking sorry to the people who know me in person im a horrible person.

I don't think you understand just how bad I am tbh, I care about people but one second later I don't give a shit, I think whatever happens to them is karma for how I've victimised myself to things they have done. Things I've probably over exhausted to make myself hate them even more. I don't end up hating them though, whoever it happens to I end up just missing them so much IT physically hurts me. But I'm fucking horrible! I have the worst jealousy issues, I can't handle people liking the same stuff as me because I am so convinced that they will steal the ONE things I find that makes me unique! I can't fucking handle when people copy me intentional or not but it gets under my skin and I feel like I'm no longer an individual and I start to absolutely hate what I used to like!

I ruin things for everyone.

I'm better off fucking dead.

I'm sorry boris.

[kendylouwhoo]

As I turn inward and practice what I preach, I look at all the ways I've blocked out energies and what they have to teach. I never have had an issue "finding good men" most people want to be good. Finding a man who cares, has emotions and is physically there. I feel gross, how we put people in boxes, so I ask myself where that happening for me and it becomes clearer and clearer to see. Some have felt more hurt by the masculine energy. Not me, I realize, the grudges I hold, where I turn away and pretend it's not there, the pain I've felt that I want to pretend doesn't exist. I haven't had an issue finding a man... yet where are all my sisters? The friends I've had, the ones who were there, they too coped by being more masculine. It felt safer having that energy in a world such as this, but this is not how I find my bliss. I've blocked out the feminine because it hurt so bad. The hidden secrets, the lies the telling me I'm mad. I'm not sad I'm not doing it right, get out of my sight. The subtle manipulation. Telling me it's not them it's me. Pointing the finger at me, like I'm the only bad power that be. The hidden competition, you pretend doesn't exist. The cages everyone pretends aren't real. Yeah the feminine controls too and then hide it from you. The feminine never disappeared, wheather is was regresses and repressed, it just got really good at hiding. It controlled from behind the curtain and played the victim, stood there lying. It said your crazy, I'm not the problem. Look what you've done to me look how you have hurt me, look at you not me. Look how mean you've been look how selfish you are look how much I've done and you've done nothing. Look over there so I can enforce my hidden agenda. Put pressure on you and use you to keep playing out my abusive story...

And I see it now so blunt and so clearly. The walls I've put up have been around me. Locking away my own key, my feminine parts, not all, but the ones I deem unworthy. Oh and the guys, it's not them the narcissistic men I've felt hate, though I have used that word to try and seal their fate. It's not the masculine that's physically hurt me that I can't forgive. Or the ones who pushed and pushed until I gave in. Or the one that yelled until I numbed out... ok yes of course I've felt that hate but it was easier to heal within, because I can see it. I can see the hurt. It's the hurt I can't see that's been much harder to heal for me. How can you heal, when you've been gaslite into not believing it's even real? Your mind starts playing tricks and telling you lies, when before you could see the veil, now you also see a disguise. What ones real and what ones not?

And there it is. The anger boiling up. You lied to me you kept your love at bay. You were so scared to be wrong or bad so you made me your place to lay. Lay all your trash. The things you don't want to see. The things you don't want to do, someone else's problem, not you. Fuck I'm so mad... damn. I'm so hurt. Why did I let this happen... because it was me that didn't want to see. I didnt want to see all the things others denied. I didnt want to see all the things where people lied. Because when you see all the things people dont want to see, they dont hate themselves they hate me... at least thats been my story. Blocking these parts out from me, because they hurt me the most. The parts where you go crazy and call in the ghost. The ghosts that whisper in your ear you're wrong, you're bad and don't be queer. Don't listen to your truth, listen to my expectations instead. Fuck, that's what I blocked out, the feminine energy, all the dread. The narcissist that hides behind a wall of manipulation. The one who seduces you only to take what they want from you. I see it now clearly. Talking behind your back to make people more leary. Stay away from that person, don't get too close. Hiding the hurt they cause, so you can't have the most. I've kept women at bay, because I'm fucking scared of them ok! Feminine narcissism is so hard to spot. It's so hidden and and covered by giving. If I give of myself then no one will see that the giving isn't giving its a trap set up by me. To catch the fly. Oh my! I once was told, "I love you like a spider loves a fly" and now I see why... why I've blocked you out. Why I don't feel safe around you. Why I've made a Hartwell so no one else including myself can get in. I'm not blocking out the men. I'm blocking out the women, like me. A story in my mind, women are scary. Don't get too closer or they'll chop off your arm and before any one can see they will sew it back on and say the scars are because I did it to me. Damn. These stories. This fear of the feminine. I realize it's not just men who have hurt women, but all along, the feminine never lost their power. The story that men supressed women, I'm not sure it's all true... Regardless, I'm ready to write an new narrative, what about you?

Ok lets not jump to the new story yet. Dont bypass thinking we can just forget. Lets bring on the pain lets bring on the sorrow. I don't want to block you out any more, I want to look and see. How have I been what I say they all be? You know why I think people don't admit they are wrong? Because it fucking hurts. Hurtting others hurts yourself. The saying you can't hurt someone else with out hurtting yourself, I mean literally if you're not cut off from emotion, hurtting others feels like drowning in the ocean. You can feel the hurt you've caused and you can also feel the torment of how could I have done it. I never wanted to hurt anybody. And now I feel their pain and mine, yup I feel the torment. This is what taking responsibility feels like when you've crossed the line. And the clear it becomes, when you blame you are hidden. Hiding from how you've also hurt another person. If you judge someone else, it's surly in you. No matter how much you hide it no matter what you want to see, the only way through this is to feel, feel me feel them and love all of thee.

Ok I'm ready. I want to take down the walls. I want to see what I tried not to see. I'm ready to feel the hurt and pain and find the real me. I want to forgive the men, stop the stories I make of them. Realizing that what I blocked in those men were actually their feminine. I want to open to the beautiful flowers I feel all around. Bloom into the fullest, from head connected to the cosmos and all the way into the ground. Pachamama teach me how to share my healthy feminine. Father cosmos train me how to stay balanced. Spiral within me dancing, twirling and whirling like strands of DNA. Father, mother and me makes three. I want to be free and I realize that freedom is seeing all the traps I've set for me.

[nowthatimlivingunderground]

Fucked up part is she still doesnt keep me from them. She would never do that in the first place. She encourages me to talk to my nani bc shes knows my nani misses me. But I dont know how to. How do I talk to someone when they won't listen. When they wanna play peacekeeper trying to keep a family together that probably doesnt need to be together? I told my nani my aunt needs to get help. Needs to see someone about her brain bc this isnt my wife burden to bare. I have to work on myself and my wife. I need To fix my family my aunt did a pretty good job at shattering. It's always fucking like this. My family just wants to see me miserable. And she knew exactly how to do that. Couldn't just accept the fact she fucked up. She needed to do everything in her power to make my wife out to be the enemy and has sent those screenshots not just to my nani but to the rest of my family too. So I donT talk to any of them. It's easy to vilify someone when all you see is the moment they snap from hurt. The fucked up part is we never did that. Could have sent those messages to everyone. Could have told everyone what she gave my wife and how shes on meth and pills and alcohol. But no. We wouldnt stoop that low. But each day that goes by I want to. I want to hurt her so bad. I want her to understand the pain she caused us. The fact she almost took my family from me over a stupid selfish mistake. All she had to do was listen but now she ripped our family apart. So I hope shes happy. Hope shes proud of herself. Hope my nani realizes my wife wasnt the problem, her daughter was. At first it could be let go. IT would've taken time but it was possible. Now? Nah. Fuck thay and fuck her. I'll always love my nani but I cant look at her the same now either and I hate my aunt for that.

[falcyrie]

Makes me think how I used to struggle hard with admitting my own traumas to myself. You watch shows and play videogames growing up and you always relate to the fucked up characters, the ones who been through shit and are quiet and reserved about it and you think theyre soo cool for that.

And heres pathetic old me, who barely has 1 problem in comparison, having mental breakdowns on a weekly basis trying soo fucking hard to hold the tears back and be reflected and cool about it.

Fictional characters have a luxury we dont have. They get to have their trauma sanitized. Its always perfectly relatable because it needs to be. Its always worse than even the authors could imagine, yet they always handle it well because they must, in order to grow. Their reactions might sometimes be extreme, but never a nuisance. They can go full non-verbal and thats hard for their mom but theyre still cute. They can be self-harming to the point of suicidal behaviour but its 2nd degree selfish at worst. But theyre so rarely an active problem for their friends and family. One thats not: "Dr. House, youre doing it again with the going off the rules, youre a pain in my butt /loving" one thats straight up: "You keep hurting me, and I know youre in pain as well, but i dont know if I can keep doing this. "

Its one of these things we're slowly getting better at in media. ND Stevenson did it twice with She-Ra AND Nimona. Real Trauma, that causes real, ugly problems that only worsen each other further.

And Furina wasn't handled half-bad. Girl has been living that basement mac'n'cheese lifestyle for probably months and was still like "please fuck off and let me suffer" at first. At least that part felt real. No immediate catharsis, just pain and loneliness. Handling shit like that with any amount of grace takes a long time. I'm glad she got that.

Just my thoughts. Not specifically addressing OP, but hey, in case you needed to hear this, your struggles are valid and your feelings are real, even if they don't feel warranted or logical.

It's crazy how Furina came out at the perfect time for me.

It's been 2 monthes since my social insecurities have skyrocketed, fearing I'll lose every friend I have. That I've been eating mostly Buldac noodles. That I'm isolating myself and letting my place rot because I'm sad.

During 4.0 and 4.1, it was obvious she had her insecurities, but I looked up to her because she always showed her bright side. Told myself she was incredible for that and I should do the same.

And then 4.2 came out and it's been soul crushing. Furina went from a model to a lost person that I can relate with a bit too well. But seeing her healing in game and in fanart heals me a little too.

Obviously she has a real trauma and is way better than me because, well, she's fictional, and I must be projecting. But I feel like saying theses thoughts, if not to someone irl, to the void that is the internet at least.

[theyanderespecialist]

Stripper Dear 1 (One Shot) Valentino X Marie OC (Hazbin Hotel X OC)

I just realized I never updated this I am so sorry here it is much later 

(Marie's pov)

I smile as I handed out the drinks as I pushed my hair back. Honestly, I've only worked at this club for like a month, but it's not the worst thing. I then see a woman walking to me. "VIP show for you Marie."

"Ah, thanks so much." I said smiling as I walked to the room, opening the door and walking in before closing it only to see Valentino. What was my boss doing here?

"U-Uh Mr Valentino?" I asked shocked. I mean I actually never really met him face to face except when being hired.

(Oh god xD I mean first off, her boss, second off, how she supposed to give a lap dance to some literally 5'1 feet taller than her xD)

(XD)

"I am your VIP." He tells me and sits down waiting.

I felt my voice catch in my throat. Oh god was this some sort of test? Did someone make a complaint and now I have to actually prove I'm good enough to work here?

"A-Ah.. I-I see.." I said nervously. I looked at him. How the hell am I supposed to do this? He was 5 feet taller than me.. I'd just have to figure it out.

I walk over to him, trying to ignore the panic in my head as I unzip my jacket I wore, letting it fall to the ground as I managed to get on him, my legs straddling him on either side, partly for the dance, but also so I don't, you know. Fall off.

The nice thing about being a stripper is, we don't get touched, well, they aren't supposed to touch us.

Which I never had a problem with before people who ever tried I guess were band from the club. I smile at him. He might be able to bump my pay if I please him. Also I heard about his temper. I do not want to loose my job. I let my hands run down him briefly as I pull away to pull my shirt off slowly, my hips still moving though to the music in the room. He smirked and placed his hands down on my hips. I gasp at that but keep moving. Think of the money you can pay rent and afford to spoil yourself a little.

Besides, he wasn't really doing anything..if anything it helped me feel like I wouldn't fall off and break my head open on the ground bellow.

I ended up shifting just a little so it would be easier to move as I lean in slightly, my breasts pushed against him, I mean it's nothing this man hasn't seen or felt. This was probably more so boring to him at this point.

(Yeah you're gonna wish that)

(XD Poor Marie)

"That is it come to daddy~" He purrs into my ear and I try to pull away in shock but onepair of arms keeps my chest pressed to his.

I go to scream but he covers my mouth with a third hand and the fourth grabs my wrists in his one large hand pinning them above me. Next thing he grew two more arms and let them start to stroke my body. I try to struggle the best I could but it was useless not to mention that he growled in my ear.

"Be a good girl or daddy will have to punish you."

(Instant regret XD You jinked it Marie XD)

I stare shocked, I mean I was terrified. I never..I mean I can't say I never saw this coming because I never actually knew the man. I wanted to run..but I didn't want to push my luck, god knows I wouldn't be able to, so I stop. I just need to get this dance over with and leave..so..I need to do what needs to be done.

I move once more, but not to pull away, but continue moving like I was before, even licking the hand over my mouth.

(she's like "hey hey no need for that, I'm behaving see?)

(XD Dont behave that well XD)

"Let daddy make love to you~" He says kissing down my neck. "Then all your troubles will be gone baby~"

(hmm...two things I don't think of together make love, and Valentino like xD either she gets punished, or she gets punished for acting good xD)

(XD Hey he can be a simp XD)

My eyes widen just as what he said registered in my mind as he pulled a hand away.

"N-No!" I said as I see his face quickly turn to a snear. "I-It's not you!" I said quickly. "I-I just.. I've never ..I never had.. I didn't ..you know?" I said my voice shaking.

His face turned into a smirk. "That is good~ that means I will be your one and only~"

My eyes widen. "I-I-I--" "don't worry I'll help get you in the mood, and you'll also help get me in the mood by finishing your dance. I wouldn't be so cruel to my baby by not making her first time be enjoyable. Especially when she actually listened to me."

(I mean he's right. Marie rarely stops resisting. She actually did. Granted he's 10 feet tall._

(And one of the most powerful demon in all of hell XD)

I nodded and continued my dance. I did not want to make him angry. I got him nice and hard and now could feel his insanely large cock pressed up against me.

"No it is time for me to pleasure you~" He says and flips us over getting on his knees and slowly taking off my panties.

I tried to stay calm I did as I was terrified..but..he wasn't actually really hurting me or grabbing me too rough.

I grip the chair leg, my breath shaky. "Surely you've at least experienced this much?" He asked but I shook my head.

"No you has the pleasure of eating you out~" He asks kissing up my thighs.

"No." I gasp as he does so.

"Good what other first do I get to have?" He says and kisses my thigh higher and higher.

I blushed darkly as I realized he wanted me to actually answer.

"I-I...I haven't had any kind of sex...I-I haven't even had my first kiss.." I manage to squeak out as my voice shook.

He stopped at that and looked up at me. He then took off his glasses and hat. He lifted up my chin and lean down kissing me gently. I gasped it was so soft. I didn't..I didn't know how to react. I've never in my life, felt something so tender, not that I had anything to compare it to personally, but from what I see here with kissing, this wasn't like it at all..

I didn't know what to do, but the last thing I want is him angry... so I kiss back

(hey she may not be an experienced kisser.. but he'll make sure to change that)

(YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS XD)

(I don't even want to think about how long his tongue is xD)

(Oh YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS)

He smiled into the kiss and stroke my hair and kisses me deeper licking my lower lip asking for entrance. I open my mouth and he slips his tongue in playing with mine.

I let out a small noise, it was a new feeling..

(Just be glad he's not using his full tongue.. probably could throat fuck her if he wanted xD)

(XD He will save that for later XD)

He smiled more and pulled away letting me breath. I panted as I immediately felt breath between my legs as I instinctively shut my legs

He chuckles at this. "Do not fret baby girl daddy is taking it slow~" He says and kisses down my neck two of his free hands undoing the corset.

His other hand slowly parted my legs as he tossed the fabric aside with no care as I shudder. Two hands massage my chest and nipples and I moaned into him arching into him it just felt so good~~

I see him smirk suddenly. "Does it feel good~?"

"Y-Y-Yes, I-I didn't think it would feel this good~" I admit

He smiles and kisses me again. "It will always feel this good with me~" He purrs and then lowers his face to my vagina. I blush and try to close my legs but he does not let me.

I feel his tongue run up my lips as I jerk at that, shuddering as I arch my hips up as he smirked diving in as I moan, wrapping my legs around his head, his hands still playing with my breasts, only making me feel better. I know it's wrong. I know it is, but..I didn't care. I didn't want it to end. I rub myself onto his face, my hands grabbing one of his hands that was free as I held it in mine

(Oh my god that's actually adorable)

(Yes it is ^-^)

I moaned and her smirked into me slipping his tongue in slightly. I clench down it in shock but not pain.

It was uncomfortable but not painful as I stilled and he seemed to know as he took it slow, even helping by helping me lift my hips.

(Yeah I find if I have my hips.slightly elevated it helps)

He continued to push it in, only a little though as this continued, with him licking inside of me only to pull out and go back in as I felt this..this odd clenching sensation in my stomach.

"I-I ahhhh~!!" I cry out as something happen and it felt like I burst.

I fall back panting and he licks it up I look at him as he came up and smirked at me. "Was that your first orgasm~" He teases kissing my belly.

I blushed darkly as I could only nod as his smirk grew. "Perfect~ now we can really have fun~"

I blushed and he sucked on his fingers then slipped them into me stretching me I moan as I was so sensitive from the orgasm. After a while he then lube up his cock which now that he pulled it out it was huge I close my legs fast at that.

I I wasn't ready

"N-No! N-No I think we should end there!" I said.

(Girl he didn't even cum, you can't be that selfish)

"It is either your pussy or mouth~ You can't leave daddy aching now can you?" He says spreading my legs. "Either way one of these days I will have both and you will be mine~!"

(like god Marie selfish

(XD yeah here he is being sweet on you and you want to be selfish)

I tried to struggle. I was terrified of what would happen, the pain it would cause.

"Come on now, you were being so good until you got what you wanted, it's only fair I get what I want isn't it?" He asked before he smirked. "or are you playing hard to get now?"

He lined up with me. "Deep breath now you tease~"

I nodded and took a deep breath as he thrusts in all the way. It hurt but not as bad as I thought. But I couldn't help but scream as he quickly clamped his hand over my mouth. I couldn't help but scream, I tried not to bit it still hurt especially when I felt something in me tear. I gripped his hand I was still holding and he stopped once in all the way. I whimper and he let me adjust I still hated it though. It hurt so much, I felt like I would break if I moved.

"Shh, it's okay..you're going to be alright." He said as I then feel his smirk against my neck. "besides, I'll make sure that you enjoy feeling me inside you~" he said smirking, his voice still had an undertone of love but it wasn't nearly as soft as it was before.

(See he's like "well we're in now, now it's time for me to enjoy." And we all know, yes he can be a simp, but there's nothing he loves quite as much as dominating others.)

He gripped my hips with two hands. Held my hand with another. Two on my breasts and the last on stroking my clit making me mew in arousal and slight shock.

I moaned as I grip onto the hand as he leaned in, that large smirk still on his face. "You know, for someone who just seconds ago was saying you don't think you would like it, you sure are moaning a lot." He teased, flashing those stupid teeth.

I let out a small moan. "F-Fuck you." I said, I didn't mean it, but if he was going to be a dick, I could play along.

"Well I will be getting to that baby~" he teases then pulls out thrusting back in I gasp and moan as he hit something in me that made my toes curl.

It felt so good~ bit god was he a smug asshole. "Sm-smartass.."

"Your smart ass~" He says with a laugh and starts to fuck me senseless. I cry out and arch into him trying to meet his thrusts but man he was going so fast and hard I thought I might just loose my mind.

I cry out loudly as I moan as I clench around him.

"God you feel so good~ you could have made a ton of money as a call girl for me."

(...how romantic)

I glared at him and hissed.

"But it is better for me, I don't have to share you~ Or kill off all your clients~ Not that I was already doing that before when they touch you~"

(Geeze this guy so romantic XD)

That made me stop. He what? "Wh--" he suddenly stopped thrusting as he suddenly flipped us over as he was on his back now, wearing those stupid glasses again. (God Marie xD she's not happy, like she likes it but she's also pissed that he is kind of a dick xD)

I looked down as he smirked. "well? Come on, you can slide on yourself." "I-I'm not doing that!" I snap. That was so..so embarrassing to do that.

"Oh you aren't huh? You know, now that I think it..you haven't played your monthly share yet." He said casually, but that same smirk on his face.

(There's the val we know)

"Your an ass!" I say but still straddle his waist and lower myself on it. God this dick how can he be so good in bed but such a dick.

"you shouldn't talk to me like that." He said the smile on his face but it was a little more serious. I stopped at that. I mean I was annoyed by him.. but, he still was that person from earlier and I actually worried I hurt his feelings.

"I'm sorry I didn't, I was just playing a role.." I said softly.

He stroke my cheek. "You got to remember who is boss, baby, or else I may have to punish you~"

I nodded and leaned down taking the rest of him and kissing him.

(I mean...you say that like punishment is a bad thing xD)

He kissed back as I let out a soft little moan when pulling away, making sure to do so right in his ear.

"Then why don't you tell me..what you want from me, boss~?" I asked softly

"Ride me like the naughty little slut you are teasing me all this month~" he says smacking my ass

I let a moan at that, jerking forward slightly as I wrap my arms around his neck as I lift myself up, moaning at the feeling.

"F-Fuck..you f-feel so good..inside of me~" I moan out.

He smirked. "Damn Right I do!" He says and kisses me again and then moves his mouth down to my breasts

I moan as I managed to grip onto him as I arch into his mouth. "I-I hope y-you like them~" I moan out as I got into a rhythm of moving up and down.

He moaned and sucked on them massaging them as well and playing with the other nipple. Oh God I love his sick arms. I grip his head as I continue to ride him, his arms helping to lift me as I tighten around him. Fuck, I was going to cum again..

"Don't.." he muttered into my breast as my eyes widen.

"What?"

"Don't cum, not yet. I want to see how long you can hold back." He said and immediately, he went back to my breasts as I let out a groan. There is no way I can hold back. I just can't..

I tried, but within seconds I was cumming around him for a second time as I shuddered. I tried I really tried to hold back.. but how do you even stop an orgasm?

He groans and cums into me deeply and I cry out as my sensitive walls were hit.

He holds me up as I lean into him he pulls away. "I will have to train you to have more hold on it~ But you were just a total blushing virgin only minutes ago~" He nips my neck. "You also made me cum fast so I will give you credit for that~"

I look at him as that smirk turned to a genuine smile. "You did really good."

"...Y-You aren't going to just.. throw me out now right?" I asked softly.

"Hm?"

"Like ..I'm still of use right?" "Is that what you think this was? If I wanted you to be one of my whores you'd be out there right now selling your ass, but I don't want that."

He took my face in a pair of hands. "I love you, your the first person I loved in hell and the person I love most out of all my existence as a human or as a demon. And from this point on you are mine and I am NEVER letting you go~~~" He says and kisses me savagely like a starved man.

[sunsinrinn]

Do you love her? Part 3

Angst, (some) fluff, language

Bakugo x reader (past), setsuna x bakugo, Kaminari x reader

Word count- 1,756

You look at Denki shock at his sudden boldness unable to speak. Taking your silence as rejection Denki, losing his boldness, begins to stammer,

“I- I shit, I’m sorry I said that I just needed to get that off of my chest. I totally get it if you don’t want to be my friend anymore. Oh crap i messed up. I mean I cant loose you as a friend. I know you’re still getting over Bakugo but I- I should have kept quiet. I just didn’t want to keep this from you but damn i should’ve just lied about what I needed-“

You cut him off, “Denki shut your mouth and let me speak,” He immediately stops rambling and listens, “I like you too. You make me feel complete again. You manage to make me smile even when I don’t feel like smiling. I cant imagine my life without you. I want to have a relationship with you. But if we do this we need to go slow. I know you wont hurt me but I still need time.” As you finish speaking you see his eyes slowly begin to widen along with his smile.

“Oh god- I thought you’re silence meant you didn’t feel the same way oh my god I cant believe it you like me back!” He says excitedly as he wraps his arms around you. You begin to blush and hug him back. When you hug him back he whispers in your ear “I promise I will never break your heart. I will protect it with all my power and make sure you never get hurt.” You smile softly at that and say “I know, and I trust you.”

As you guys hug, outside Bakugo looks like his entire world was shattered. He had not expected you to return Denki’s feelings. In fact he expected you to have closed off your emotions. He knew now he has to try harder to steal you from Denki. He could not allow Kaminari to swoop you in. Bakugo storms away forgetting about apologizing for the moment.

Later in the day, you and Denki are found in the common area really close,laughing at each other’s jokes

“Wow Denki did you finally ask her out?” Uraraka asks jokingly, not knowing it was true.

You look over at him to see him blushing like crazy, “Yeah, my phone charger finally confessed his feelings” You say laughing softly. He looks at you blushing even more.

You Look at him like he hung the stars and Uraraka could see how much you cared for him. “So when are you taking her on a date then, lover boy?”

“I- i we are taking it slow” he manages to say, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Ah, I see well. I hope you treat her better! Or else me and you will have some problems mister.” His eyes widen at Uraraka while you just smile. “Don’t worry about that Uraraka, I trust him” you say to her but look at him. He looks speechless at you, still not completely believing you are trusting him with your heart and love. “I promise I will protect her and never cause her harm” he finally manages to say. Uraraka just smiles believing him.

In the background, Izuku tells Shoto, “I’m glad they are together, he will really help her heal and I know he won’t hurt her.” Shoto nods before responding, “I am glad he confessed his feelings for her. I was about to do it for him.” Izuku just laughs at his response.

*A little time skip- A couple of months*

Bakugo has spent these last few months avoided the new couple disgusted at your low standard. He likes to think Denki is a rebound, someone who will keep you company until you get bored and want bakugo back. Although he is currently with Setsuna he has been close to breaking things off with her but he never does. He keeps thinking of ways to talk to you, reach out, but you have him blocked and avoid him when you’re alone.

“I will get you back y/n” he says to himself.

For you these past months have been wonderful with Denki you knew he loved you and he showed it to you. He would buy you flowers and your favorite snacks and even go shopping with you. You unconsciously compared your relationship with the one you had with Bakugo. Comparing them made you realize that bakugo never cared. He only cared in the beginning but after he stopped. He never even attempted to get to know you personally. He was only with you because you were head over heals in love with him. He was with you, not because he loved you, but he loved the idea of you being in love with him. Essentially, he only loved you because your love fed his ego.

You were foolish to think he actually cared, but Denki shows you how caring he is. Hell, he isn’t afraid to show you off or to give you affection in public. He wants you to know you are loved and that you deserve the world. He knows you are still healing but he will do everything he can to help you so you’re finally free from Bakugo.

Everyone can see how much he cares and how much he adores you. He worships the ground you walk. They also see that you are visibly happier than with Bakugo. Everyone knows that bakugo hates the relationship and they know that he hates that you can’t even look at him without being disgusted. He has somehow become colder.

Bakugo finally decides that instead of coming up with a plan he is just going to confront you. He decides to do it sooner rather than later so he no longer has to see you in Kaminari’s arms.

Days go by as you continue spending your time with Denki and others. Even now, Kirishima, mina, and Sero are cautious to talk to you. It hurts knowing you lost three friends, now they are just acquaintances. It hurts them too but they know its for the best, just in case bakugo wants to show up while you hang out with them. They are thinking they are sparing you from more pain.

Bakugo believes that full on confronting you is the way to go so he begins to avoid Setsuna. And oh boy, she pitches a fit so he reluctantly continues talking to her.

As you finish getting ready for your date with Kaminari you walk outside to wait for him. As you wait, Bakugo sees you alone and takes his chance to finally talk to you. He begins to walk out and stands behind you.

You sense someone’s presence behind you so you turn around smiling thinking its Denki. Your smile falls as you realize who it is, turning around quickly to avoid looking at him any longer.

“Y/n...” you hear him say softly but choose to ignore him so he continues, “Please y/n, I want to speak with you.” He reaches out to touch your shoulder causing you to flinch from his touch, “Don’t touch me Bakugo” you say coldly. He retracts his hand but continues, “Please, please forgive. You dont realize how much I miss you. How much I regret saying those cruel things to you.” His voice breaking as he speaks. His vulnerability almost, almost, changes your mind about him.

“Bakugo stop. We haven’t been together for months. Can’t you see I’m happier now? Can’t you understand that what you did and said really hurt me? I can’t be with you anymore.”

“Please y/n, please I still love you so much!”

You laugh at that, “You don’t love me. Do you love her?” You ask him that question for the last time.

“I don’t love her! I’m sorry I ever doubted my love for you! Please give me another chance!”

“Bakugo you don’t love me. I know you don’t. If you did, you would have never fallen for Lizard bitch Setsuna. You would have never stuck your tongue down her throat. If you love me like you claim you do, you would have fought harder for me to stay with you, not insult and degrade me and the love I HAD for you.”

He stays silent for a while, but soon speaks up, “I am so sorry for saying those things to you I was just so angry with myself for falling how Setsuna, and because I hated that you accused me of cheating. I want to make it up to you please just let me. I want a future with you by my side! I cant stand to see you happy with someone like Denki”

“You did cheat, bastard! What kind of game are you playing at Bakugo? You don’t want me unless I’m someone else’s. You don’t even know you’re being selfish right now! I am happy now but all you fucking care about is your fucking happiness! Leave me alone for fucks sake, Understand I don’t love you anymore, I love Denki and I am glad to have him in my life. He sees me as an equal and cares for my feelings.” You look back towards the door, where the hell is Denki when you need him? As you think that you seem him come outside hurriedly.

“I’m sorry I’m late- what’s going on?” Denki looks at you and bakugo. He notices your mad and bakugo looks broken.

“What happened?” He asks. You look at him and speak, “Oh nothing bakugo just came her to try and win me back.” He internally panics because deep down he’s afraid you’ll give Bakugo another chance.

“Don’t worry though. I already told him I have someone who not only sees me as an equal but also cares for me. Something he’s never done.” You smile softly at him and with that Denki’s worries are gone. He feels proud of what you said.

“Okay, well lets go y/n, we don’t want to be late for our date” and with that you hold his hand and walk off leaving bakugo behind.

Bakugo watches as the love of his life walks off happily. He knows he won’t love anyone as much as he loves you. He knows he’s going to have to live with the regret of losing someone who cared about him even when he was insufferable. That one question you always asked him will always stay on his mind, haunting him,

“Do you love her?”

The end.

Here is Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

A/N- with that “Do you love her?” comes to an end. I hope the ending is okay? I felt like I may have rushed it but oh well i guess...

What other characters should I write for? Any requests?

Taglist: @tspice283 , @random-fandom-girl-24

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so im once again randomly sad at 1:30 and honestly i hate it. i always seem to get really just down and upset during the early morning. (probably because i need to be sleeping) but this is stressful to be honest. im feeling a ton of guilt that i shouldnt even feel bad about. right, so we all know that im how old? a minor, and like.......im fine with that. im fine being this age. but like....i feel like im carrying feelings for things that dont even have to do with me. some people are like “yeah, i dont want minors interacting with my content” and for some reason, i always wonder if it has something to do with me. it doesn’t, but i feel this secondhand guilt for some reason, and it hurts. and i know it’s really selfish of me to do that, and im victimizing myself with this. i always obey the “MDNI” on people’s posts, but sometimes i feel like i did something bad. like with smut, specifically, i completely understand why people wouldn’t want minors interacting with that, it makes so much sense.

then i start feeling really upset about how i literally write smut, and read it. im starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me for having written smut, and had a specific audience read and react to it. i sometimes feel gross for just wanting to read smut. and a lot of the fandoms i read smut for may have the “MDNI” on it, which is fine, but after that, I feel this deep trench form, and it’s the worst thing. i just feel like im weird, and dirty for wanting to read smut about characters. and here comes the argument of me, a minor, reading smutty ass fanfiction about grown characters, in some scenarios. of course, i imagine myself older, above legal age, but that doesn’t stop the nasty feelings I feel. and with characters that are my age, or around my age, like with my hero academia, like sure, i crush on sero and everything, but i feel awful about reading smut for him. or even thinking about smutty things.

this also briefly dips into how i interact with my mutuals’ fics, particularly the smuttier ones. i think ‘oh god, am i being gross by interacting with this’ and i know that if they have an issue with me interacting with their fics, they would say it, clearly, and explain what needs to be explained. and i love that. but i always feel like im the weird one here, like im the odd one out, i guess because of my age. and i absolutely love and appreciate that they’ve created a safe space for me. it’s just an internal thing that’s really bothering me. and i absolutely love my mutuals as well. and i know that they also love and appreciate me, i guess i just feel that guilt.

and i know that it’s completely normal for kids my age, and teens to think about, and sometimes desire sexual things. and i know that it’s fine to explore those thoughts. sometimes, though, i just feel like im being a hypocrite. i. e. some shoes marketed towards teens, such as euphoria, and riverdale (off the top of my head, not biased) portray teenagers that might not be accurate. i don’t know what it’s like to be y’know present in a high school, and there, but for my own experiences, at least, i feel like it’s not true, or at least not in all of its glory. im like the outlier for a lot of that stuff. and i know it probably exists in some places, but i feel like this is how society views teens, and what they expect from us. i feel this odd pressure to be everything that society expects me not to be. and on some posts and stuff, i see what seems to be a bit of a disdain for kids of my generation, or at least gen z and i just kinda freeze and panic. i go “oh god, do they think this of me” “do they hate me” and i know that they don’t but it’s this lingering thought of “this is what they think of other kids in the same group as you”. i know it doesn’t represent the entire view but i just feel like i cant say anything, or bring it up. it makes me feel like im the problem.

anyway, i feel like i can’t do some of the things that i want because im scared of what people will think of me. like, sometimes i just feel hot, y’know and of course, send nice photos to a pal or two, but i’d never post that shit publicly. why, you might ask? because im a minor, and just because i feel nice about myself doesn’t mean that i need other ppl being gross about it. some people always say “these teens are always posting stuff all over social media. they share everything on there.” one, yes, we do, some people should know better. but also, two, this is new, people are being misled, mistakes are going to happen. plus, when you dont have that outlet to do other things, you go where you may feel safer to do something. it may not even be the best choice either. i agree that teens shouldnt post everything to social media, but i also believe that we should be allowed to make mistakes too? and have a bit of fun (where it’s morally correct, im not talking about driving people to suicide, or posting nudes (or semi-nudes on insta when you’re 13, that’s just wrong) anyways. i just feel like i cant do anything bc im gonna get shit for it, and further promote an agenda, but at this point im kinda starting to tear myself down about other people’s opinions, and that’s shitty.

also i feel like teens cant do shit in GENERAL, but that’s another conversation for another fucking day.

i always try to keep my opinions and everything at bay, because i hate when conflict is directed at me. and i dont like the panic of waiting for someone to text, or message me when i had what could be considered a hot take. i feel like i cant disagree, or think differently. or even sometimes just speak my mind because im scared of the repercussions. so i kinda just shut up, and stay in my little corner, and i absolutely hate that. but i also dont like being vocal about my opinions because of the fear that it produces.

and also sometimes some of the shit that people come up with im like......okay, i feel like i cant joke about. like when i talk about “MILF dennys” or “DILF buffalo wild wings” I DONT WANT TO BE A MILF, NOR A DILF. i dont even want kids, so ahaha. i say that shit as a joke.

kids, get future milf out of your bio, unless you put a “/j” or “/hj” after it. also, you don’t want to be a sex worker, or a stripper. im pro sex-work, but don’t look at that as your ONLY job option. that shit gets people killed, or tortured, and mistreated. if it’s a joke, it’s a joke, but it’s a dangerous choice, and it’s your grave bestie. and no, people contradicting you isn’t sexist, or misogynistic UNLESS IT’S LITERALLY THAT. people can be like “i think your opinion is a little harmful, ngl” and you can respond respectfully and be like “do tell, im open to  listen” and not go off about someone not supporting your choices. if it’s something that you can avoid, do it. IF IT’S ILLEGAL, DONT DO IT. like, prostitution is illegal where i live, so if yall try to do that shit, dont expect to be given special treatment. people already see kids, women, and sex workers as what? OBJECTS. you’re nothing to people who may be incarcerating you one minute, and calling you for a 5 minute hookup the next. it’s not empowerment to be on places, and letting yourself be groomed and taken advantage of by nasty ass people who need to be locked up. i understand that you should be able to do what you wan, and wear what you want, but there’s some disgusting people out here.

and it’s also the usual shit bothering me, the pandemic, school, my brother saying fatphobic stuff, yada yada. i want a HUG. and i need to sit in someone’s lap for god’s sake anyways.

im also pretty sure that it’s NOT normal to have this many extreme changes in mood. like i was fine earlier yesterday but as soon as i see one thing that hits too close, im upset so....anyways.

also yes i feel bad about this because i really need to talk to someone about these issues, instead of y’know, letting them pile up and haunt me until im emotionally unavailable because i hide my feelings. this is further promoting other people’s view of teens oversharing on social media. but to be honest, people are going to hate gen z, and teens for a lot of shit. and i cant stop them from doing that. i can, however, keep myself out of their line of sight and dont cause issues about it. anyways, im gonna go rewatch some invincible (wow 3rd time now). and try to keep my mind off of wanting to be in someone’s arms while we make out. :) 

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: [a phone number]

Ronnie: found you your own special plug

Joe: Can’t wait to get gang-raped by whoever this is

Joe: or maybe it’s a phishing scam, what route have you gone down 🤔

Ronnie: route of she can be your number 8 cos youre such a bike

Joe: it’s that kind of hook-up

Ronnie: pay for the gear if you cant get it up soft lad she looks fuck all like your ma

Ronnie: couldnt track down no more of her bastards for you soz

Joe: taking your role that seriously?

Joe: alright

Ronnie: getting out of it

Ronnie: she can babysit you

Joe: she probably lost custody of her own so

Joe: nice of you on all fronts

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: what, your dealer don’t like me or something

Ronnie: how the fuck would i know like

Ronnie: and how would he you legged it out of there soon as he showed

Joe: no shit I did

Ronnie: ordeals over now baby go cry to your new mammy about it

Joe: unlikely

Joe: but it ain’t my ordeal so

Ronnie: they ll swab & treat him he ll be sound

Joe: give a shit about him

Ronnie: if youve got something to say

Joe: I just said it

Joe: I don’t care about him

Ronnie: you dont care about me fuck off with your heroics

Joe: you didn’t want swooping up and saving, don’t mean I don’t give a fuck

Ronnie: your student loan aint gonna cover both our habits youd have me dopesick cause youre fucking jealous that means you dont

Joe: you’re jealous

Joe: and I said, didn’t stop you, didn’t say you had to

Joe: what’s fun about something oozing and itching in your pants, that’s all

Ronnie: of what

Joe: of every boring ex I have or will ever have

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: get em in a room together and they aint even jealous of each other

Joe: I know

Joe: x2

Ronnie: you dont know shit mckenna

Joe: so today I’m green

Joe: not the know-it-all smug college kid

Joe: nice to know how to play it

Ronnie: smug is right whenever i aint gonna suck your dick cause you can read music

Joe: that’s all that’s stopping you?

Ronnie: nah remember its the death wish attention whoring & mommy issues

Ronnie: cant both be functioning junkies youd have fuck all else to get a boner about

Joe: how long have you been doing heroin

Ronnie: youve got loads of catching up to do

Joe: yeah, so I don’t know why you’re acting like I’m being high and mighty

Joe: it’s literally been days

Ronnie: cause you are

Joe: no I’m not, just ‘cos I’d rather not suck dick when I have the funds

Joe: would you do it if you had the cash, that’s just stupid

Ronnie: youve been comparing me to any & every cunt since we met

Joe: like you don’t shit on me any and every chance you get

Joe: you were acting like them, the whole none of my shit is real because yours is SO real, that’s her whole bit

Ronnie: you cant stop fucking doing it even now fucks sake

Ronnie: i shit on you for you its not like i have any cunt to compare you to

Joe: alright, if you’re that sensitive about it

Joe: I’ll really stop

Joe: there 🤐

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: nah, that was a dick move, alright

Joe: let me make it up to you

Ronnie: youre crying shes a patronising cunt guess what youre right there too

Joe: alright, I deserve that

Ronnie: drop dead

Ronnie: yeah its been days days of me giving you whatever the fuck you ask for

Joe: I know

Joe: so what do you want, seriously

Joe: I’ll do it, make it happen, whatever

Ronnie: like fuck can you make anything happen

Ronnie: youre like every other doss cunt i know theres your comparison

Joe: Probably am

Joe: but you’re the only person I’ve met who feels close to whatever the fuck I am

Joe: there’s the truth

Ronnie: whichever of your exes that worked on is more west than either of us

Joe: Oh I can easily be that dickhead and tell you how crazy they all were

Ronnie: go ed

Joe: the second to last one was the worst

Joe: full-on stalked and harassed the last one like, for no reason

Joe: she also messed with all my shit in a way she thought would send me into an OCD spiral because she didn’t get it

Joe: and when she started hooking up with some other kid she’d send me pics like I’d be 💔

Joe: that’s just after, that was all kind of amusing in a boring way, she was less amusing to be with but more mental

Ronnie: shouldve had some tips off her for the stalking bullshit its probably not too late to send her a dm

Ronnie: ones ive got from this is i dont have to bother learning the alphabet cos id be better off fucking with your record collection by smashing it up & child porn does fuck all for you

Joe: that is my thing, turning up uninvited to fuck everything up

Joe: she might go for it

Joe: exactly, both good to know, yeah 😏

Joe: all pretty basic and vanilla but still, annoying as shit

Ronnie: unless you can get me to do it for you yeah

Ronnie: dinners at what like 7

Joe: you’re gonna ruin my happy uni home?

Joe: oh no

Joe: be there be 7, eating at 8, apparently

Joe: time to ‘mingle’ as she put it which sounds suspicious af

Ronnie: fucking hell

Ronnie: thank christ i already hate you

Joe: saves times, energy less so

Joe: your mate is up for it, unless he’s a convincing liar, which I could see

Ronnie: what energy do you want name it theres gear thatll give us it

Ronnie: he is but i cant see the con shes got fuck all any cunt wants other than pasta shapes & mariahs likely on a diet

Joe: 🤤 and not over her appetizers, like

Joe: there’ll only be the 6 of us so we’ll need entertainment

Ronnie: lad flatmates bringing a bitch

Ronnie: shes gonna need something to get her through it or something she can use to end it

Joe: yeah he has a missus

Joe: even though him and Sophie belong together as the most average whitebread couple ever

Ronnie: make it happen then

Joe: where’s my bow and arrow

Joe: their 💘 ain’t my problem

Ronnie: you said you could do whatever and we needed entertainment

Ronnie: put all that money where your mouth is

Joe: you’re well sweet

Joe: you want her to be living her best life

Joe: dunno if I can hack being his shoulder to cry on in the interim

Ronnie: your teeth wont have time to rot before you choke on em talking to me like that

Joe: go on then

Ronnie: you owe me i dont owe you

Joe: I thought you’d ask for something better

Joe: but your loss

Ronnie: yours youre thinking about it

Joe: I get it, you want it to be hell living here

Ronnie: i dont wanna have to ask

Joe: for what

Ronnie: anything

Joe: why not

Ronnie: you think you can read my mind or some shit

Joe: I’d like to

Joe: and I think you get me, and yeah, I think I get you more than the bullshit mommy issues attention whore comment that was to get a reaction

Joe: I don’t think we’re twin flames just because we share some DNA, I’m not that kind of delusional, believe it or not

Ronnie: cause weve shared a needle though yeah

Joe: I get it, another kid with a habit, you’ve met hundreds

Joe: it is different though

Joe: tell me it isn’t

Ronnie: different cos its a habit you didnt have days ago

Joe: it’s not your fault

Joe: for good or bad

Joe: you didn’t spike me without asking

Ronnie: i didnt say that

Ronnie: i said thats why its different

Joe: yeah

Ronnie: nobody did any of this shit for me i dont know why im doing it for you

Joe: do you want to, or do you think you need to

Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter

Joe: you either fuck with me, you like fucking with me or you think you’ve got to protect me or some bollocks

Ronnie: protect you from the needle i stuck in your arm yeah that makes loads of sense

Joe: from getting a bad dose, being beat up by one of your dealers

Ronnie: i just wanted a front row seat

Ronnie: im not gonna get one when your family finds out

Joe: that’s fine by me

Joe: you reckon they’ll fly me home for an intervention then?

Joe: shouldn’t be surprising how oblivious they are

Ronnie: i dont care what they do to try & fix it youll be at rock bottom by then

Joe: they won’t try, they don’t

Joe: just because I weren’t shooting up doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing plenty other fucked shit for ages without it ever being a conversation

Joe: one of the kids that they took in, is a walking skeleton

Joe: can’t get her to eat, some reason don’t do anything but try to reason with her like she’s reasonable, never mind the rest

Ronnie: no shit they dont i was proof of it before you or her

Ronnie: in the same town with the same name she fucking gave me and still out of sight out of mind

Joe: precisely

Joe: so if you’re hoping fucking me up will get her to come about then you shouldn’t bother, honestly

Joe: save yourself that disappointment

Ronnie: it aint about her paying attention

Joe: good

Ronnie: you wanna know me i only want you to know what it feels like

Joe: then let’s do it

Ronnie: nah i was rem to reckon it was worth shit

Ronnie: it aint

Ronnie: you aint

Ronnie: youre never gonna have your head wrecked how mine is and i cant be arsed to put the time in fucking you up in the selfish special way i need when you keep pure loving it like

Joe: is that not indicative of how I’m already quite fucked enough

Joe: just because it’s not abandonment based

Joe: what normal cunt would love any of this, even contact you again after the first

Ronnie: fuck no

Ronnie: youre living your best life and it makes me wanna hang myself

Joe: Christ, you’re up yourself, aren’t you

Ronnie: &

Joe: you want me to roll my sleeves up again and show you the recent damage?

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: [pics]

Ronnie: [obvs gotta send him some back]

Joe: [a straight up new one like just did it]

Ronnie: [ofc she has to also like this is a competition]

Joe: [hope you started small so you have somewhere to go ‘cos the vibe]

Ronnie: [knowing y’all you didn’t but it won’t stop you and I will be forever on edge]

Joe: [so grim, don’t pass out]

Ronnie: [or end up needing stitches]

Joe: [probably do them yourselves, ick]

Joe: do you fucking get it yet

Ronnie: why do you care

Joe: why do you think

Ronnie: i keep telling you i dont

Joe: braindead sounds ideal

Ronnie: horse girl not about to suffocate you

Joe: she would if I let her, like

Joe: 🍈🍈

Ronnie: wait til theres a chance ill choke on my vomit next time christ

Joe: so lay back and I’ll tell you some more

Ronnie: ok go

Joe: [go on about Sophie in a way I shall not even bother but let us assume it is crude and rude af]

Ronnie: [we’re not into poor Soph but they clearly are]

Joe: [just fuck and get it out the way lads, so rude to everyone else rn]

Ronnie: [honestly, but hopefully at this dinner party because Jamie jealousy will be off the charts]

Joe: [Charlie gon have to keep quiet ‘til you home lmao]

Joe: Any luck?

Ronnie: got no pasta shapes in my system have i

Ronnie: but why the fuck are you not lurking to save me

Joe: you want me to swallow the bile for you then, okay

Joe: the last one looked deep

Ronnie: deep enough if you wanna pussy out and spit instead

Joe: I don’t

Joe: where are you

Ronnie: dorothys

Joe: he in?

Joe: if I have to show him it’s brotherly concern you’ll only die quicker

Ronnie: nosey cunt wouldve stopped me

Joe: Yeah

Joe: I can say sorry if you want or I can just come patch you up and not lie first

Ronnie: i dont need your help

Joe: I know

Joe: purely wanna save you for my own complex and to be loving life even harder

Ronnie: wank off about the sos from the other day thats it i cant top you carrying me out til the bleeding stops

Joe: I’m coming over

Joe: you’ve got time to lock the door if you really don’t want me to come in

Joe: can get my own shattered glass without breaking his windows

Ronnie: he must like you to have given you his address

Ronnie: but not enough to overshare the door dont lock cos i broke it 💔

Joe: or am I better stalker than you give credit

Joe: thanks for the tip, baby

Ronnie: youd have been waiting for me to get here not the other way round

Joe: You do want me to read your mind

Joe: maybe a lobotomy will help

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: reading your mind you want me to pass out before you fuck me but its not that deep

Joe: the wound or the vIbEzzZ

Ronnie: this your coming out cos you sound like charlie

Joe: just trying to turn you off, don’t want blood to gush out

Ronnie: liar youd be made up to see that

Joe: not hiding in the bushes yet

Joe: slow down

Ronnie: youre used to being the big brother i get it

Joe: Something like that

Ronnie: i know how to ride a bike without stabilisers or whatever the fuck

Joe: and tie your shoes

Joe: it’s alright, we’ve established I’m not a paedo

Joe: what can’t you do then

Ronnie: err what a nonce would say

Ronnie: read music we also fucking established

Joe: you teach me how to shoot myself up, I’ll teach you how to

Ronnie: not a fair swap i dont need to learn how

Joe: You don’t wanna be a babysitter either, so you’ve said

Ronnie: you dont like me any more or what

Joe: Of course I do

Joe: You got me my own dealer first

Ronnie: you asked me to 1st

Joe: How did I?

Ronnie: what else is ? for a plug without giving a fuck if ive rattled myself into a ditch

Joe: If I talked to you as much as I felt like

Joe: You’d tell me to fuck off more than you already do

Joe: I’ve got no clue where the line is, how much you want me to care

Ronnie: what line

Ronnie: i dont want you to care

Joe: Tough shit

Joe: I didn’t ask you to get me a dealer

Ronnie: you fucking did

Joe: I just didn’t wanna see you suck dick on my behalf, alright, that’s all

Joe: what you do for yourself is your business

Ronnie: calm down nothing i do is for you

Joe: 👌

Ronnie: dont call her then

Joe: you on commission?

Ronnie: 🖕

Joe: If I do, you’ll still have to see me

Ronnie: youll see me bleed out on the kitchen floor 1st

Joe: You’re a pro, I know you’re being overly-dramatic

Ronnie: at opening as many veins as itll take to not have to see you again yeah

Joe: to make me hurry*

Joe: I’m on the tube

Joe: you have to live in the middle of nowhere

Ronnie: no fixed address i told you

Joe: ❗️

Joe: if there’s a break-up or a thruple, you can have the extra room

Joe: makes sense now

Ronnie: it dont make sense you reckon we can afford any extras however far out

Joe: like you said, she’ll get homesick and chuck it in even if Marc won’t dump his girlfriend

Ronnie: if she does youll be homeless too like unless his missus is gonna cover the costs of the en suite for you

Joe: you can have my room, it’s the smallest

Joe: they can have the en-suite palace and I’ll take theirs, which is not next to the others 👌

Ronnie: not that youve thought loads about it

Joe: if you heard her disney playlist everyday, you’d think about it as well

Ronnie: id think about killing her or myself not a cosy little bed swap

Ronnie: shed never hack living with me nor would you

Joe: well that thought is never far from the front of my mind

Joe: if you need the bed, you know it’s yours

Ronnie: get it through your head i need fuck all from you

Joe: yeah, yeah

Ronnie: theres this way of living when youre not inside your ma in every possible sense course you aint heard about it

Joe: you need to prove you’re self-sufficient ‘cos no one’s ever given a shit about you but Charlie and the other one

Joe: I’m aware you’ve made it to your old age without me, you’re alright

Ronnie: i need to be it the only proofs im not dead yet baby

Ronnie: you need me to be old cos im not in a fucking coma & you cant get it up else

Joe: I’d rather be in the coma myself but you can be too

Joe: not calling dibs

Ronnie: oldest gets 1st dibs

Joe: *until the youngest cries about it so much you get told to give in to shut ‘em up

Ronnie: try me

Joe: you know you can’t hack my crying

Joe: does your head in SO much

Ronnie: save it for when you need lube or horse girl is gonna be coming after you with the leftover glue so you can never fucking leave her

Joe: come at you with the needle and sew us together, babe

Joe: unlucky

Ronnie: more than unlucky if i cant bust a stitch open to be the dead girl you want

Joe: you’re the dead girl I want already come on

Ronnie: til i teach you how to 💉 yourself

Joe: nah

Ronnie: 💘

Joe: looking well deformed these days, my one

Ronnie: could cut it out know youd be made up for the matching needlework

Joe: you play mad professor I’ll play corpse

Ronnie: long as i dont have to play nice

Joe: know what you take me for, actually, but no

Joe: obviously not

Ronnie: cant take you anywhere even if i did wanna

Joe: god imagine the dent in your street cred, sis

Ronnie: if i could cry i obviously would

Joe: repression or fucked tear ducts from all the 😭 you been doing

Ronnie: what im that baby faced youre taking me for a newborn now

Joe: nah, mr i don’t fuck kids here, remember

Joe: plus kids are always calling 999 by mistake and they’d get there before me

Joe: maybe, depends how many people have stabbed other people today

Ronnie: id have got the numbers up but ive been busy like

Joe: gotta make time for you, babes

Joe: it’s called self-care

Ronnie: ask me what with

Ronnie: shittest stalker ever you are

Joe: go on

Joe: school us

Ronnie: cant cry cos when i was linking you with a plug you dont want i was getting myself linked with your meds

Ronnie: best guess as a better stalker than you & less basic white girl than your crazy ex

Joe: 💡 fairplay

Joe: won’t tell you any other side-affects, see if you can guess ‘em right

Ronnie: i wasnt gonna take em but you want me to get you so bad

Joe: yeah misunderstood white boy is selling less these days

Joe: help a brother out

Ronnie: fuck all has happened so i probably cant

Joe: 💔 oh well

Joe: they’re nothing exciting, even though I managed to get the highest dosage they’ll do

Ronnie: maybe mines off for not giving you the benefit of the doubt when i could continue reckoning youre such a pussy

Joe: you’ll forget by tomorrow, no problem

Ronnie: neither brother is gonna let me if they walk in on me microdosing theyll reckon its a getting well party and get the deccies out

Joe: only so many times you can just kidding that ‘fore it gets old

Joe: we’ll go out, when I get there

Ronnie: where you kidnapping me to baby

Joe: I know enough to know it’s all wrong turns and blindfolds, not giving you a map

Ronnie: if its a&e no cunts finding your body even with a map

Joe: piss off

Ronnie: give us a clue

Joe: I’ll mark it with an X if you do me

Ronnie: if you ever fucking get here

Joe: if we were sewn together this wouldn’t be a problem

Ronnie: wanting to look like twins so nobodyll give a shit that you wanna fuck me would be something youd think about on the tube mckenna

Joe: they run in my old man’s DNA so have to look for those bastards instead

Joe: all I know about hers is addiction

Ronnie: course he does fuck alls your own idea

Ronnie: if hes got a sister even a meff nancy drew like youll be able to find bastards they had together

Joe: loads, Catholic, remember

Joe: twins kid is black though so process of elimination

Ronnie: cute how that runs in your family too like

Joe: guess so

Joe: not like it’s that crazy a concept

Ronnie: not like youve ever met an irish catholic who werent a saint yeah

Joe: it’s a fucked place to live

Joe: really third world in that respect

Ronnie: your real da is who you wanna look for if hes got no bastards going about its cos he cant knock anyone up

Joe: that your all men are pigs stance

Joe: alright courtney calm down

Joe: I’m out now anyway, don’t need a real mum or dad to come rescue us from the priests and that

Ronnie: nah its a fact unless his twin kept going up the backstreet or he was only sticking it in her other 2 holes

Joe: they didn’t really grow up together

Joe: he left when he was 15

Joe: maybe she was a late bloomer, happy days

Ronnie: 💔 your ma wasn’t then i wouldnt be here

Joe: no dig about how you’re dying now anyway ‘cos I’m taking so long?

Joe: you must be fading fast and not just being a dramatic bitch

Joe: good thing I’m in [wherever we ended up locating y’all] now

Ronnie: shut up i said its not that deep

Ronnie: youre the dramatic bitch legging it here for a fucking scratch

Joe: you wanted me to

Ronnie: you want to i dont give a shit

Joe: right, that’s what I meant

Ronnie: you can stop with the gay shit i told you hes not here

Joe: gays don’t own sarcasm

Ronnie: they own getting attached to cunts fast who dont care

Joe: awh, you being replaced rn?

Ronnie: horse girl wishes

Joe: Can’t catch a break or a man that one

Ronnie: after a pity fuck with you who knows what shed catch

Joe: you wanna infect her by-proxy, you’re so blatant

Ronnie: i shouldve got you to bring her my bloods everywhere

Joe: adding her puke to the mix would make it interesting, sure

Joe: bet she knows first aid

Ronnie: if youre too pussy to break my ribs yourself get back on the tube

Joe: threaten me with a good time

Ronnie: i just did

Joe: without meaning it, yeah

Ronnie: try and hurt me i mean it

Joe: [why do y’all always set the tension so high lads lmao, we know but]

Ronnie: [me and my boo here like calm down you can’t hook up yet but they are both like !!!!]

Joe: [shouldn’t have let you get on that train sir but you would so]

Ronnie: [I shouldn’t let her open her mouth ever but here we are]

Joe: [forreal lmao]

Ronnie: [gotta draw an x on him in her blood when he shows up before we can do a more permanent one however we are either as a scar or tattoo so soz for increasing the tension even more lol]

Joe: [just got to stare at her for ages and then shove her away very dramatically ‘cos you can’t, head through to whichever room she was bleeding in to assess/gawp at]

Ronnie: [she’s gotta lol like well if that’s the best you can do at trying to hurt me I’m not worried]

Joe: [‘whaddya use?’ and just going through this flat as if you’ve been here before/were invited by anyone but Ronnie vaguely because manners can’t matter when we’ve gone this far already]

Ronnie: ['what, you didn't

touch yourself enough on the tube?' but we are obvs showing him whatever we did use because it's just another way to flirt and we can use it to make that x happen so]

Joe: [shakes head ‘spill too much and they emergency stop’ and a look like do I look like I wanna be on a psychward but in a 😏 don’t answer that way, doing our own tallies with it, of course]

Ronnie: ['we're walking then' like where are you taking me don't get comfy bitch]

Joe: [little disbelieving lol like excuse me princess ‘your carriage was unavailable’

Ronnie: ['no shit the horse is dead busy']

Joe: [‘I ain’t taking you to a stable’]

Ronnie: ['that's where we ain't going, now tell me where the fuck we are' because we're like an excited kid about this]

Joe: [it’s cute and we clearly think so even if we’re distracting ourselves with this self-harm so we don’t go too far, unrelated but I haven’t thought where yous are going lmao but I’m vibing something London but something she wouldn’t have done, something music related, also if it has like, kid vibes, bonus, I’ll have to look so just keeping tight-lipped to be annoying and surveying the bloody carnage he’s now added to ‘you want to clean up?’]

Ronnie: [it'd be cute if there was something like thinktank but for music instead of science but idk if that exists anyways in answer to that question she's just gonna remove her top or whatever like yeah it do have blood on even though we know that's not what he means because we're still in a flirty mood despite how annoying his non reply is]

Joe: [that’s what I’m vibing but likewise have no idea, I’m sure there is shit though and you could find it Joseph, anyway, truly the this is fine meme about that ‘cos you can’t turn away 😳 but also boy don’t, moving like you’re gonna come close to her though]

Ronnie: [soz Charlie cos she shamelessly threw her top on the floor and isn't gonna clean up any of this blood even on herself like I literally should say she goes to the sink and then to get clean clothes but instead we all know she's just gonna take Joe's jacket or whatever and put that on, thank god he's all about the layers]

Joe: [god bless the grunge

aesthetic, ‘do you do it in front of him?’ and touching the cuts that are still showing ‘cos you know there’s some still, and it is like when and where do you do this when you do not have a room lmao]

Ronnie: ['yeah' leaving it up to him whether he wants to think it's in an attention whore way cos we're still annoyed at that call out lol but realistically it's just because of how long they've known each other and how they be living, she's not actively trying to upset Charlie that much most of the time]

Joe: [‘does he do it?’ ‘cos we can’t imagine it from the little we know but also can’t imagine him just chilling if he isn’t as fucked as them]

Ronnie: [the facial expression equivalent of his amused lol earlier because no]

Joe: [dropping it even though you find this odd like don’t worry boy, the tea is he is getting over it and wanting her to stop, pulling the jacket sleeve to take her out the door like come on]

Ronnie: ['he knows what'll happen if he tries to stop me' cos you can't tell me that when they were younger he didn't do exactly that and she went ballistic but more importantly HOW DARE YOU BOO because that is 1000% a Fraze move and I'm dead]

Joe: [yes I thought it was legit for a parallel, enjoy the long trip back to central guys]

Ronnie: [idk how we are gonna stop you hooking up to fill the time other than the other people in close proximity lol]

Joe: [maybe a uni/work obligation can come in and he has to go like legit ‘cos that’d kill this off]

Ronnie: [personally devastated that means an iou for this cute date but I love how fuming she would be at never finding out where they were going]

Ronnie: [not to mention the not at all casual and public domestic they’d have would be such a fat mood and show she cares when she’s literally like umm what the fuck do you mean you’re leaving]

Joe: [love how blatant we both are individually]

Ronnie: [hard same]

Joe: They sprung that rehearsal on us last minute

Joe: I already said, I’d give you the funds and you could go do whatever

Ronnie: and i told you to go fuck yourself

Ronnie: or your cello

Joe: I wouldn’t have wasted my time let alone yours if I knew that was gonna happen

Joe: how would you go about fucking a cello, exactly

Ronnie: waste more of your own time figuring it out its your raging hard on for it

Joe: I can’t not go

Joe: they make you sign a bloodoath when you get in basically

Joe: no excuses

Ronnie: youd have found an excuse fast enough if id stuck a needle in your arm

Joe: no, I wouldn’t, ‘cos it wasn’t an option

Joe: there was already enough damage to hide

Ronnie: i dont give a shit what options youve got

Joe: right, tell it to the crowd that amassed, they might believe you a tiny bit more than I do

Joe: I’ll make it up to you, okay

Ronnie: thats what soft cunts wanna hear when you cant hide no more & since you reckon you wont be getting forced into treatment you get to keep your gob shut for all that being sorry bullshit

Joe: make it into something it ain’t ‘cos you can’t hack hearing it

Ronnie: i dont wanna hear from you end of

Joe: alright

Joe: see you around then

Ronnie: 🖕

[heartsymbol]

im just going to vent. abt my feelings. and about someone. you dont have to read it. if you do, i appreciate it. genuinely... okay!

well first of all i fucking hated you! resented you! and a part of me still does. a part of me seethes at the thought of you. i hated being with you. hated getting texts from you because i know most of the time you're just going to vent. talk about yourself. and i always felt my stomach drop everytime you asked at night. when i was tired and drained. i hated how you would talk about your shit days, your job, very much unprompted. i felt as though you fucking treated me like a dumpster, and shoved this shit at me constantly. like, duh ofc i will view you as a negative person lol. one person can only deal with this shit for so long without feeling resentful. not only that, you would always talk about yourself. you you you! you use your adhd as the excuse, but i know tons of people w adhd and they have never been as self centered and without boundaries, like you! all you cared about was yourself and talking abt yourself and wanting to be heard. in the end i would feel like you would just constantly just talk AT ME, like i was a fucking brick wall, not a person. and you would THEN ask, after an hour of talking about yourself, "so. how are you?" like i was a fucking afterthought. you even said i didnt have to say anything... when... that is a part of. talking. as a two way street. as a friend. and i felt denied the action of responding. i didnt feel like a fucking person. do you know how fucking shitty that feels? you ARE SELF CENTERED. tremendously self centered. and the most non-aware person i've ever met. you barely had anything nice to say. not just about your day. but about other people. you would talk shit about people and the things you see unprompted. you would always complain. 80% of the time i felt like i couldnt talk about what i genuinely enjoyed without you laughing or talking shit. and you had the audacity to explain yourself by saying "well i felt like we dont have anything in common to talk about so i talked about my life and work" like BITCH?!? wheres the fucking common sense. you would rather talk about your job and shitty and petty thoughts as a convo stater than, idk. your hobbies? like normal people? in what world would one think that talking about your shit life. CONSTANTLY. UNPROMPTED. W NO BOUNDARIES would be a genuine convo starter... you were fucking unbelievable. it just felt like you wanted someone to talk AT, and not a person to be with. all you did was talk talk talk about yourself. once i said "eh, I'm okay nothing happened in my day." you would go straight to talking about yourself. you just cant hep yourself can you? i felt so very strained, being with you. i couldnt talk about what i liked in fear of you saying something. all you did was talk at me. mansplained constantly. when i did not fucking ask you. and i felt like a fucking idiot around you. it always felt like you were talking down at me and never saw me as an equal. you really had the audacity, in our last moments to cry about how you felt YOU put yourself in the role of being "the older care taker" despite you being just 3 years younger. you created that role. you PROCLAIMED yourself as "an older sister" BUT YOU WERE NOTHING OF THAT SORT! you took that role, created a certain distance from me and ""felt"" like you had to take care of me when all you did was the bare minimum. like, i cant believe i had to tell you years later about how you dumped your trauma onto me CONSTANTLY when i was 17. SEVENTEEN. and you were well into being 20! you USED ME. all i ever felt was USED. i rarely felt like a person. and THE NERVE of you saying that i had baggage with people relying on me. its BECAUSE of people like YOU! that im like this! you caused me so much fucking pain. i would feel awful for days on end. and when you finally are able to have a lighthearted convo i felt "huh. why did i think so badly of you? i was just making this up." it was a fucking cycle. i was DRAINED. you never ever had proper boundaries. you dumped your trauma unprompted to me at age 17. and even afterwards til the very end. i couldnt talk about things like sex with

you because you were uncomfortable! which was fair! but you would then just talk about your own sex life without even asking me if i was comfortable??? you never realised just how much of a power imbalance and power dynamic there was with us? you had the biggest fucking cognitive dissonace, thinking you were a good "older sister" figure with me when you only did the bare minimum. less than that with how you vented to me like, in your words "your note app, live." you just USED ME. USED and took advantage of my fucking kindness to listen to you. and you wonder why. for the longest time. why i could not trust you. that i could not be open about my own problems to you. you had no fucking boundaries and keeping my distance was the one way to make me feel fucking sane, to keep some sembelance of space for myself. this was very much doomed from the start. i cant believe you thought it was funny to pick on me and make fun of me at age 17. what an absolute fucking loser of you to project onto me at that age. you projected onto me an image some girl that you felt hurt by, bc she strung you along romantically and flaked on you. like do you see how that is wrong. how wrong it is to project that image onto a seventeen year old you barely knew like?!??! you were a fucking adult i cant fucking believe you did this shit. and ofc i felt like i had to say shit back. and be spiteful. i was defending myself from an adult. i still laugh now how you would victimise yourself like an overgrown baby when i said shit like " you cant love if you dont love yourself." knowing full well it wasnt meant to be said at you. i felt like i was walking on egg shells, being on high alert with you. because you would always say something, and i would say something back and then you ended up feeling hurt as if you werent the one to fucking start all this shit with a minor. oh how much i fucking resent you. i hate you. i hate you. ughhh and i cant fucking believe just how much i've done for you financially. it was a constant thing. this was my own fault of not stating my own feelings. and constantly giving on my end but boy. im just thinking about how many times i've actually bough food for you. with the intention to share and give. and i would give you money. and i would give you things for your birthday. but it took you two years to do something for mine. i felt unacknowledged and unheard. and i was just. drained. stuck in a friendship i shouldve been honest about from the get go, but felt like i couldnt because i didnt know just how bad it was for me. i let this happen too long, and thats something i will continue to review but fuck. i just. need to let out my anger out. i need to. i never had the space to fucking feel angry and to let out my hurt. i need that space to rage!!!! fuck. fuck you! fuck you! i hated you. i hope you get over yourself. you hurt me. i felt so much hurt in this. i must acknowledge that hurt. i need to be selfish just for once and be angry and nonsensical. i dont care. i dont care. i hated you.

[socksual-innuendos]

OTP Meme

art by @yesjejunus​

Do they fight often? If so, what is their dynamic like?

Sort of, they’ve actually calmed down since first knowing each other. It use to be that they hated each other because ‘fuck you, I want to leave this stupid ass valley why do I need to fetch quest when my survival is maxed’, and ‘goddamnit you made me care about this kid that youre dragging into war I cant live with myself if he dies due to your little game of exterminate the raider tribe’.

I...am indecisive about how Emilia ends Honest Hearts, but even in the worse case scenario they do become at most tolerant of each other. Still, their arguments is mostly Emi poking and prodding for a reaction, and Joshua feeding right into it. These usually end in him being moody, but he rebounds well enough. Their big arguments though are usually over how things should be handled, in which case both do their own shit and then one has to bail the other out. 

Who is the most skeptical of the two?

Joshua, hands down. Emilia is so eccentric compared to anything he’s use to, he almost always has something to say about anything she brings up. Even if its sound to him he still questions it if it comes from her mouth. It isn’t always voiced, but the eyebrow does raise. He’s stopped being amazed at her actually accomplishing what she says she will and has started getting annoyed with it...what a show off.

Who would be most likely to suggest a night of dancing?

Emilia, and she’d dance whether he comes along or not. My Joshua never learned how to dance, but I don’t think its his cup of tea either. He hums while he works, though, and Emilia has honed in on that.

What would they do if the other was injured in battle?

Assess the situation and then adjust. I think both would cover each other, though I think Emi is more likely to haul his ass to safety. That’s her target, damnit! Unless one was really fucking up patching themselves up, I dont think the other would help with wound dressing though.

How do their fighting styles complement each other?

Complement is a very interesting word here. Their entire schtick is that Emilia is adaptive, dynamic, changing to fit the situation and he is....just headstrong and very determined, haha. They work well together in that she forms to fit his methods and is his fall back if things ever go south. It works out well, some of the time. Other times its Emilia stealing his kills and him getting angry at how fast her draw is. 

Do they want children? Does it frighten them? How many do they want?

Together? No. He is particularly someone she would be cautious around. In their canon I don’t think they sleep together, just because Emilia has Thoughts about a man like that being on top of her, or at least having some kind of mindset about having slept with her. 

Still, I think my Graham is old enough to realize that kids wouldn’t have fit well into his life, Legion existing or not. Both grew up with religious and family pressures to marry and have kids, and neither really felt that it was for them. I think my Graham tried to find a greater purpose than starting a family in Legion, and that was his justification for never trying.

What happened when they took them home to their families? If their families aren’t in the picture anymore, how do they feel about it?

Joshua learns about Emilia’s family and past in a round about sort of way. Camila introduced herself to him, which was a heart attack to Emilia, and he’s seen the photos she keeps in her cigarette case. In honesty, he feels a bit envious at how closely she was able to keep her sister. Though I don’t know how I headcanon his blood family situation, I do think that he misses kinship. After Edward, he becomes very lonely, and even reconnecting with New Canaan he feels lost. How does a man his age find another friend that close? It’s part of why he so easily falls in being war chief again in my canon. It’s familiar, and its something he knows he’s good at, and that in itself is its own comfort. 

For Emilia, I think she envies his community. Though she was young when her life started falling apart she still knew what a stable home was, what a loving family was, and what it felt like to feel safe. She knows that even after all the tragedy he’s caused and how much misfortune fell on his tribe that he still has a home to go back to, and that they’d accept him with open arms. She misses being on the receiving end of that type of love, and most of all she hates being so closed off to people about herself. Even her sister she hides things from, and even then her sister doesn’t share her faith. I think if Joshua ever invited her meet his family she’d accept, even if she thought it would go poorly, just to feel things out and see if she could find some community in there.

How does each person show affection towards the other?

Again, its in the small things. When Emilia springs him from NCR custody, it was for entirely selfish, headhunting reasons, but she brought him bandages and his bible, and those were the small comforts that mattered. She’s hard on him in areas that no one else was, like teaching him genuine wilderness survival, or how to be independent. She also tries to get him to slow down and think about what he really cares about. Sure he gets his purpose from being war chief with the Dead Horses, but he truly does miss his tribe. These show themselves in small conversations, but if she didn’t care for him she wouldn’t even bring them up.

For him, its a bit of the same. He entertains her bullshit, but he also cleans and repairs her weapons. During their end game, Emilia has a robotic prosthetic leg, and he learns how to repair and upkeep it on the fly. He becomes receptive to her teaching (if only for a while), and to humble himself enough for that should speak volumes. 

Who cries the most? Who is better at comforting?

Neither really cry, though I think Emilia at least doesn’t feel pressured to keep face around him. Sharing a religious background and a lot of similar-but-different viewpoints, they actually comfort each other well in a passive sort of way. If their problems don’t relate to each other, they can usually talk through their issues. For Emilia, it’s a huge comfort to have someone else religious to talk to. She doesn’t often get this with most people, and even if Joshua isn’t 100% on the same thought train, the core belief is still there. 

For Joshua, it’s nice having someone who is also religious but doesn’t feel like he has to perform for them. Emilia isn’t here to judge him, they’ve both done and do horrible things in their life, and she’s just different enough that if she says something he doesn’t agree with he can dismiss it. Having someone he doesn’t have to keep face around is a breath of relief. Its nice to not have any expectations set on you, and although it annoys him a majority of the time, her laid back personality allows him to let his guard down. 

When it comes down to it though, a lot of what Emilia has already lived through are things that are popping up in Joshua’s life now, and he often finds reassurance in that she’s found ways of coping, and that she is willing to talk with him when he needs it.

Who is the bigger flirt?

Emilia, no contest. Making passes at him is a pass time to her. If he didn’t have his face covered, she’d probably see just how hard she could make him blush. 

[whataboutdisney]

i am absolutely stressed as fuck. i'm always really negative on here but this is the only place i can say what i really want to say and nobody bats an eye. i'm still on my corona job as i call it. it's absolute shit. you know at first it was alright giving out samples but after a month they told us well woops corona really is shit isn't it you can't be standing in the store giving out samples anymore. why we're not allowed god fucking knows but ok. so then they told me to go wash the shopping carts. which was way too kich work for 1 person and my anxiety went trough the roof every workday but at least i was moving around doing something. and i don't take breaks cause i don't want to eat so i just told myself alright i wanna die but at least i wont gain weight today. but at the end of november the bought a "carwash" (no it's not funny) and now people have to clean their own carts in that thing if they want to and i just have to stand there 5 hours at the time to explain people how it works.. cause humans really really are just too fucking stupig to even shit sometimes... and tell people to wear their masks. sure i make money but tbh no. fuck that shit. and i dont even make enough money to do the little things i enjoy so why tf am i doing this. i'll tell you why, it's because lots of people are going on holiday on planes, boats and trains and everything is fine. but being in a theatre is seen as a crime. so theatres are closed and i haven't worked at my "real" job for almost a year now.

and i keep applying for jobs but nobody wants me.

but today i got called. for a job interview. holy shit. for a extreme burger place. i mean i thought it looked cool and since nobody wants me i though well shit lets apply. but i didn't think they would call back.

anyone else would have been really happy with that probably bit i'm shitting myself.

because:

1. i never worked in a restaurant before

2. job interviews are aweful anyway

3.i already have a job and you canvt just leave, they have a month where you still have to deal with them after you quit.

4. i need to go to the dentist next week and what if i can work there, then i have to tell them like yo cool but i cant on that day.

5. i have a tattoo appointment on the 20th (if the shops open againg cause lockdown..) same thing as the dentist.

6. i have a tattoo appoinment on the 17th of februari(i made these appointments when i was still earning proper money..) same thing

7. i'm scared and axious about new things and people

so yeah that's nice

and my dad has this disgusting cough for almost a year now and he doesn't want to go to the doctor. i think it's something bad and i think my dad thinks so too so thats why he doesn't go to the doctors. which is pretty fucking selfish. fuck him too if he doesnvt even want to go for me he doesnvt give a fuck about anyone else anyway. if he dies i'm alone but he once kinda said that's not his problem so cheers to that.

then my cats were ill a few months ago. then one of my cats got allergic for some stupid reason and because of that he scratched a huge hole in his head which i had to deal with.

and now they both have diarea and i am fucking done with this shit. can't they just get a grip on themselves for once. i have enough shit going on i don't need this. and the vet is expensive as fuck. they havr to eat special food now, almost €40! ridiculous.

so yeah and i have to go to the dentist which give me sleepless nights for weeks now. also nice.

i'm trying to get my stomach fat to go but i hate to work out. it's not working as well. i hate my body, i hate my face god how i hate that stupid fucking ugly shitspot of a face, i hate my voice, everything and shit is not making it better.

i can still live with myself but i don't know how long i can still stand my job situation. i swear i'm gonna freak out anyday soon.

i just read that if you eat around 20 applecores the poison in there can kill you and i swear don't challenge me.