#how does a pokemon with a big fucking steel hammer not scare you

[jax-and-winstrate]

WHAT THE FUCK

ok time for more story. I met a couple "wardens" or caretakers of some important Pokemon. one of them was a small kid with a cool hat and the other was an adult with a lot of white curly hair. they're both from the Pearl Clan, which I guess is just a group of people that worship Palkia. I showed both of them what mega evolution looks like (specifically mega Swampert) and they gave me some important information, like the dangers of the region. I was told that it would be best for me to stay with the Diamond Clan in the Crimson Mirelands, a group that worships Dialga I think, because they're in a warm environment with weaker wild Pokemon. while I was walking towards the general direction of where the settlement is at, this trio that called themselves the "Miss Fortune Sisters" tried to steal my Pokemon. I sent out my Tinkaton Lydia to try to scare them but that failed and she fainted. however, I took out my Swampert Skipper and mega evolved him and that scared the shit out of them. they ran away after I did that. that's what has happened to me so far

hey what the fuck is going on in the present. also I have some stories if anyone wants them

JAX TOLD ME TO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING I READ ON THE INTERNET

[crystalelemental]

Alright folks, there’s a lot of leaks, and a lot to get through.  Bear with me, this is not going to be coherent.

Let’s start with my favorites, and the Pokemon I’ve considered using.  Hatterene!  Healer and Anticipation are garbage-ass abilities, in every way, shape, and form.  Thank god for Magic Bounce as a hidden ability, eh?  Not clear how we’ll even get Hidden Abilities, or if they’re available at all in this game, but that’s at least something for the poor creature.  Stats are...honestly really good.  57/90/95/136/103/29 (BST: 510).  I’m sure by now, everyone knows what I’m going to say.  Why is HP so low?  That’s almost certainly going to be a damning feature.  Gardevoir has better special bulk all-around than Hatterene.  All Hatterene has is better physical bulk, and for some reason a base 90 in Attack.  The hell is it going to do with that?  Should’ve shaved off 20-30 points from Attack and put it literally anywhere else.  The only thing it truly has over Gardevoir is higher special attack, and obscenely low speed for Trick Room abuse.  Which...Gardevoir runs a fantastic Scarf set with Trick, so it really depends what kind of speed control game you want to play.  They’ll both have unique roles to play, though, which is all I can ask for.  That said, I’m anticipating UU.  No Moonblast.  It really doesn’t learn anything useful for Singles.  It has Psychic naturally, thank god, and also packs Healing Wish, can learn Nuzzle through egg moves, and gets both Giga Drain and Mystical Fire through TMs, which...I kinda love that Mystical Fire is a TM, not gonna lie.  TRs give about nothing.  Psyshock, which it somehow doesn’t learn naturally because this game sucks at movepools, and Dark Pulse, which isn’t going to be too useful as it is.  All in all, it’s not bad, but lack of Moonblast or seriously good coverage options barring maybe Mystical Fire will be a hindrance.  Gigantamax may force it into OU.  God, I hope they consider Gigantamax forms separate from base forms...

Alcremie!  65/60/75/110/121/64 (BST: 495).  It’s about as stock standard a Fairy as any.  Oh, except it doesn’t learn Moonblast.  Yeah.  Apparently GameFreak’s solution to Fairy types being too strong, was to just not give the new Fairies any access to Moonblast, but still let it exist on everything else that already learned it.  So that’s...you know, that’s a choice.  A shitty, shitty choice for idiots.  But a choice.  Sweet Veil kinda sucks, only preventing sleep, while Aroma Veil continues to be better and shuts down things like Taunt.  It also learns Mystical Fire and Giga Drain, hysterically, as well as Psychic/Psyshock through TMs.  But still, no Moonblast.  Kind of damning.  Unless Moonblast received a nerf, this is honestly a slap in the face for these two.

Frosmoth!  70/65/60/125/90/65 (BST: 475).  Why?  Why is it so slow?  Yes, I know it gets Quiver Dance, but come on!  Shield Dust isn’t a great ability, but it’s not terrible.  Ice Scales, though?  Halves all damage taken from special attacks.  It’s like reverse Fur Coat.  Which...honestly, it’s going to be nuts.  That’s not just a halving of its obscene weakness to Fire, but a halving of all special moves.  Physical attacks will drop it like a real life moth being hit with a rock, but still.  It gets access to Defog, Quiver Dance, Bug Buzz, and Aurora Veil, but somehow only gets Blizzard and not Ice Beam.  It can learn Giga Drain and Air Slash through TM, and Ice Beam and Dazzling Gleam through TR.  All in all...frankly the best of the Pokemon I’d consider.  Yeah, weak physical bulk hurts, as does its slowness, but it comes with a solid base kit.  It does really need that hidden ability to work at all, though.  Without it, it’s...going to suck.  Royally.

Thievul!  70/58/58/87/92/90 (BST: 455).  To the shock of absolutely no one, it fucking sucks!  Go figure.  Run Away is useless, Unburden is only helpful if you actually have an attacking stat to work with, but Stakeout?  That’s...actually not too bad.  Pure Dark isn’t that good defensively though, so it’s not exactly scaring much out, but doubling the base power of moves against things that switch in is really nice.  That said, it didn’t save Gumshoos, and it won’t save Thievul.  All of its learned moveset is physical.  Because of course it is.  It learns Nasty Plot, but have fun using it with all nothing you learn.  TRs are the only options to teach it anything, and all it gets is Dark Pulse, Psychic, and Shadow Ball.  Considering Dark and Ghost hit the exact same types super-effectively, this is essentially a wash.  Not even Mystical Fire?  It’s a fox for fuck’s sake!  I guess it also has Grass Knot.  Oh, and Round!  Those will save the meta.  Fuck off.

Honestly, I’m done here.  There are others I’m interested in, but you get the picture: movesets this generation are absolute ass.  Which is extra shitty, considering many hyper-critical TMs are now relegated to TRs, which are Gen 1-4 TMs, where they’re single use and gone forever.  No confirmation on whether you can get more than one in a playthrough.  At best, it requires BP.  Which, if there’s no Mantine Surf equivalent, sucks ass.  At worst, they’re single-acquisition.  Which means if you have a team of Pokemon, and you want more than one to learn Earthquake?  Fuck you, play the other game in its entirety, teach nothing Earthquake, and trade over the TR.  God, this sucks.  But to really hammer home the point?  Coalossal.  It’s the final form of Rolycoly, a Rock/Fire type.  It’s a big behemoth thing, so you know, kind of a big deal since those are a fairly popular type, like Aggron and the like.  As a Rock type, it gets two Rock moves of potential value: Rock Slide, and Stone Edge.  Guess which one it learns naturally.  Trick question: neither.  It learns Rock Blast.  At level 54.  As the only Rock move it learns other than Smack Down.  And no, Skill Link is not a move it can learn.  It’s completely useless.  This is Gen 3 Aggron all over again.  Such a cool looking Pokemon that should kick all kinds of ass, and it learns exactly nothing of value.

The whole system of learning moves is entirely fucked if BP isn’t easily farmable.  All the most important moves are TRs now, and are therefore one-turn use.  TMs are mostly nonsense, with a few outrageous picks like Giga Drain and Air Slash allowed in for infinite reuse.  With movepools not making sense either, even Pokemon who should learn the moves naturally may not have access.  Moonblast seems like it takes a serious hit overall, especially with poor Hatterene and Alcremie.  I just...I hate it.

But hey, the meta must be fixed, right?  They said they’d be fixing it, so they must have succeeded just like the last two generations!  Yeah, it’s...it’s a shitshow.  Aside from the disaster that is movepool accessibility, which doesn’t simplify or impact the meta, just makes the acquisition of needed moves that much harder to access for no fucking reason, we also have disasters in the ability field as well!  Ice Scales is busted as hell, Ice Face seems to replenish each turn when Hail is active and takes physical hits as if there were a substitute, among others.  Then there’s Perish Body, which sounds like a great way to finally put a halt to physical sweepers using Dragon Dance and Swords Dance sets, is only on Cursola, who has...wow, 60 base HP and 50 base defense!  So knocked over by a light breeze.  Spectacular, so much for that working out.

Oh, but then there’s the other horrors.  Terrains are still in the game, folks.  That’s right, Surge abilities are here!  The Grass starter?  Yeah, Grassy Surge is its hidden ability.  The other terrains are just as available.  Psychic Surge is on both forms of Indeedee, which, while we’re here, which is which?  My guess is the female form is the one that loses power and speed for more bulk, making it objectively worse than its male counterpart, again, for like the billionth time they’ve made a male/female split on the same Pokemon.

But the worst, by far...is Libero.  The Scorbunny line’s hidden ability.  “Changes Pokemon’s type to the type of move it’s about to use.  Depending on when this goes into effect, this is a buffed Protean.  If it changes start of the turn, this is a straight upgrade.  Because now, even if you catch it off-guard with a Scarf or something, it’s just going to change type and you have no idea what to.  We’ve got Fire, Flying, Fighting, Psychic, Poison, Steel, and Normal as the best options with physical moves learned.  I’m sure someone can piece together the best possible combination of four moves to just never take super-effective damage ever.

This is what pisses me off.  The meta isn’t balanced.  At all.  It hasn’t even started and I can tell you that much.  You left all the broken tools in the game, under different forms.  Yes, the Tapu are gone, but the Terrains still exist and are just as devastating as always.  You got rid of Greninja, fantastic, but now Cinderace exists with the same broken ability, but possibly buffed, and with higher offensive stats.  You still gave a ton of new Pokemon the “Average across the board” treatment, or weaknesses in critical areas like Frosmoth’s low speed or Cursola’s low physical defense or Hatterene’s low HP, and they’re not going to perform well because of it.  Meanwhile others get to be obscene, like Cinderace or Dragapult with its 142 base speed.  And then there’s Thievul over here whose highest base stat is 92, so good fucking luck making that work.  You told me the dex removal was for balancing purposes, and this is what you deliver to me?  This literal shit?  I’m so irritated by this.  They’ll have to pull something really substantial off to make these Technical Records not feel like a severe step backwards in accessibility.