#how bad can i be? (robert ahlborn)

[lost-soul-in-time]

Do you remember

Memories have wavered as the years passed, but for some reason, it’s the people that hurt him most that he remembers every single detail about.

He remembers the pattern of Marc’s steps as he walked and how the pitch of his voice rose and fell depending how he felt.

He remembers Robert’s eternally exasperated face, how he’d pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh as if the world was on his shoulders.

He remembers his Mother never standing up against him, whether she had the chance or not.

He remembers all that the war did to him and how it forever changed him.

Nodding, Oliver’s expression is open and honest. He wishes his life could’ve been different. “How could I forget?”

[linus-wickworth]

August 2023 Reading Recap

I managed to squeeze in a total of 95 books for this month, which is much too long to not have under a read-more. But here's my total stats:

Total: 95 books and 1 short story. Oldest: The Tenant of Wildfell Hall (1848). Longest: Les Misérables (1463pg). Average Pages: 289. 64% were YA. 56% were read as e-book or audiobook. 56% were written by female authors. Rep: 28% queer, 35% mental health, 25% POC, 15% disability.

5 Stars:

Pedro & Daniel by Federico Erebia The Hero of Ages by Brandon Sanderson Negative Space by B. R. Yeagar Head Case by Sarah Aronson A List Of Cages by Robin Roe How It Feels to Float by Helena Fox A World Without You by Beth Revis The Inexplicable Logic of My Life by Benjamin Alire Sáenz Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt The Vanishing Place by Theresa Emminizer The Cost of Knowing by Brittney Morris A Death on the Wolf by G.M. Frazier

4.5 Stars:

Lost Girls by Ann Kelley Beauty of the Broken by Tawni Waters Honeybee by Craig Silvey Bang, Bang, You're Dead! by Narinder Dhami We Need to Do Something by Max Booth III We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver My Father's Scar by Michael Cart Phoenix Rising by Karen Hesse More Than This by Patrick Ness Born to Serve by Josephine Cox Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock by Matthew Quick Howl by Shaun David Hutchinson You Asked for Perfect by Laura Silverman

4 Stars:

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte A Very, Very Bad Thing by Jeffery Self Double by Jenny Valentine Tattoo Atlas by Tim Floreen The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold Bridge of Clay by Markus Zusak The Escape by Hannah Jayne My Abandonment by Peter Rock Brother by Ania Ahlborn Counterfeit Son by Elaine Marie Alphin The Escape from Home by Avi Les Misérables by Victor Hugo Young Pioneers by Rose Wilder Lane Elantris by Brandon Sanderson Let's Call It a Doomsday by Katie Henry Raven Summer by David Almond The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson The Hole by Hye-Young Pyun The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain Pandemic by Yvonne Ventresca Ashfall by Mike Mullin

3.5 Stars:

10 Things I Can See from Here by Carrie Mac Lord of the Flies by William Golding Calvin by Martine Leavitt The Long Weekend by Savita Kalhan Complicit by Stephanie Kuehn Surviving Bear Island by Paul Greci Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez

3 Stars:

They Never Came Home by Lois Duncan Five and the Stately Homes Gang by Claude Voilier Five Go On Television by Claude Voilier Five and the Golden Galleon by Claude Voilier Ten Mile River by Paul Griffin Five in Fancy Dress by Claude Voilier Pig Boy by J.C. Burke Five Versus the Black Mask by Claude Voilier The Meaning of Birds by Jaye Robin Brown Five and the Pink Pearls by Claude Voilier The Trouble With Half a Moon by Danette Vigilante I Am David by Anne Holm I Am The Cheese by Robert Cormier Five and the Secret of the Caves by Claude Voilier The Fear by Spencer Hamilton Five and the Z-Rays by Claude Voilier Hold Fast by Kevin Major The Disturbed Girl's Dictionary by NoNieqa Ramos Five and the Knights' Treasure by Claude Voilier

2.5 Stars:

The Rag and Bone Shop by Robert Cormier Five and the Mystery of the Emeralds by Claude Voilier Five and the Missing Cheetah by Claude Voilier Outside Looking In by James Lincoln Collier Tears of a Tiger by Sharon M. Draper The Hobbit by J. R. R Tolkien Too Soon for Jeff by Marilyn Reynolds Mine by Delilah S. Dawson Five And The Cavalier's Treasure by Claude Voilier Five and the Blue Bear Mystery by Claude Voilier Supermassive by Nina Rossing Five And The Strange Legacy by Claude Voilier

2 Stars:

The Island Keeper by Harry Mazer The Winter Children by Lulu Taylor 33 Snowfish by Adam Rapp Five and the Hijackers by Claude Voilier Let The Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist Paper Covers Rock by Jenny Hubbard The Story of King Arthur and his Knights by Howard Pyle

1.5 Stars:

Aliens in the Family by Margaret Mahy The Kingdom By The Sea by Robert Westall The Nightmarys by Dan Poblocki

[lost-soul-in-time]

April 27, 1909.

Robert only needed a drop of blood. Just one, and he’d be back in his cradle before Margaret or anyone else noticed.

Carefully cooing at the newborn infant, he’s careful and precise when he picks him up into his arms. Through the darkness, he notices how he looks like he’s about to make a fuss about being woken up, but all the father had to do was gently hold him closer for the baby’s tired sounds to die down into silence.

It’s fine. It’s not as if he’s going to kill him. Robert isn’t a monster.

The footsteps taken to go outside towards the lake behind their house are quiet. He didn’t need anyone seeing him having a late night stroll with his son.

Kneeling beside the water, he takes a moment to think over what he’s about to do. This would root itself into their family tree until their bloodline ends, there’s no escaping this. Who knows what would await them once they’ve reached the age of death?

But imagine the power he’d give his family in the process?

“Ego codemn me tibi,” Robert begins, whispering the words for only the both of them and the others beyond to hear as he reaches for the blade in his back pocket. “In nomine lapsi.”

Placing the swaddled child onto the ground amongst the grass, he reaches for the tiny hand easiest to access, weapon hovering over the other’s palm. He ignores the way the waters in front of him begin to boil, heat radiating onto him and the child. “Peto ut mea devotio per decuplum reddatur,”

The tip of the knife slices across a small portion of the baby’s hand, and the pained wails are ignored, squeezing at the wound to drop into the heated waters. Each drop sizzles as it lands over the lake’s surface.

“Et vicissim offero animam intemeratam.”

A small section of the blanket is used to wrap over the minuscule cut, trying and failing to shush his son into being quiet. Droplets of boiling water shoot over his forearm, and he hisses in pain as he bolts up to his feet with the infant back in his arms. Subconsciously, he brings him closer to his chest to avoid having him experience any further unnecessary pain.

For a moment, the night is so still aside from the bubbles rising up to the surface of the lake… but then he watches in terrified intrigue as the shadows surrounding them form a frail, clawed hand, reaching towards the baby’s head and benignly brushing over it after a beat of nothing.

And then he hears the voice in his mind, the next few words making him grin even though Oliver won’t stop fussing from the uncomfortable feeling of pain and cold disturbing his peace from just a few moments ago.

your offering is accepted.

[lost-soul-in-time]

does our darling boy have a middle name?

-jimmy

Oliver Robert Ahlborn.

You can see why he prefers not to use his middle name shekdjjd

[lost-soul-in-time]

It’s Father’s Day, so congratulate Robert by punching him square in the face 💖

[lost-soul-in-time]

Robert is a busy man, no matter what others say of him.

He has clients to call, employees to put in their place, and a family to take care of. When others couldn't get their hands dirty, when they were unable to do what was necessary, he would always be there to step up to the challenge.

That was why he chose not to blame himself for the blood on his hands, nor for the trail of it following his family name. All he did was protect them.

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦

“I believe there’s only one question that needs answering…”

“Did you ever see me as your child, or was I only your rise to fame, father?”

Ah, there he is.

“I was wondering when you’d have the guts to come out and speak to me. Couldn’t help but send your little pets to defend you first?”

Inspecting the state his son was in with a cold eye, it’s as if he’s staring down at his child all over again, silently judging his every move and too exhausted to try to fix him. It seems he hasn’t changed a bit; he’s still as emotional as his mother.

“This is exactly why you ended up in this position. I tried to toughen you up for God knows how long, and yet nothing ever worked. You’re still someone’s house wife and play thing. Tell me, do you truly think your newest companion will stay with you? I see what crawls underneath your skin, Oliver… you’re ungrateful to not cherish the strength it’s given you.”

Robert may be shorter than him, but that doesn’t stop him from taking a step forward and pulling him forward by the collar. The flinch it earns only confirms his suspicions.

He’d always seek the approval he’d never receive from his father.

“Look at you. After all my hard work, you’re still a sad excuse of a man. Do you want my answer to your question?” Letting go of Oliver’s collar with a slight shove, his gaze goes from amused to disappointed.

“You may have been my son at some point, but you certainly aren’t anymore.”

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦

"What possible questions could I have for such an insignificant servant?"

By the time Merrick is standing before Robert, her horns and wings are on full display, lavender blue eyes glowing with hatred and power. The rest of her face is set in stone, a neutral look as her gaze practically bores through him.

"You are just a man in a long line of others who craved power and didn't care what it took to get it. Everything and everyone, nothing but fodder for the pile. And yet..." Her gaze slowly moves up and down his form before resting on his face again. "Here you are. Powerless. Nothing."

"I've prosecuted men like you... I've killed men like you. And I know I could tear you apart for the rest of time, and it wouldn't matter. Just like you don't matter. But I have other ideas..."

"Care to hear them?"

@merrick-of-violet

Already he doesn’t like this.

Merrick’s appearance alone is enough to make Robert shift where he stands in an attempt to stand his ground, grip on the cane tightening. He may be a servant, but he was loyal enough to the being who’d given him everything in his living years, earning him a lavish life and a status in the Barren. It was all perfect… most of the time.

He knew better than to act out of line if he didn’t wish to be penalized.

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” Robert’s words are punctuated and firm, staring over at the illuminated eyes that so vehemently stared back at him. The insults she throws at him ring in his head and cause him to grip the cane tighter, knuckles white and gaze cold.

“And I don’t believe this has anything to do with you. It’s bold of you to assume you’d be able to lay a finger on me. Your dramatic flair and freakish appearance don’t faze me. What reason could you possibly have for me to fear you?”

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦 YOU BASTARD YOU FUCKING BITCH BOY KILL YOURSELF RIGHT NOW YOU RUINED YOUR SONS LIFE AND LEFT HIM CURSED

Wincing slightly at the sound of your screams, Robert brings a hand up to lightly rub at his ear when you’ve finished cussing him out.

“Try not to leave me dead and deaf. It’s like listening to a parrot screech.” The man grumbles, pushing up his glasses afterwards with an insensitive, nearly bored expression.

“You all sound like broken vinyls. People get hurt every day, and you choose to focus so incessantly on this one? Perhaps instead of focusing on the lost cause of a soul, you should look at yourself instead, hm? What makes you any better than me?”

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦“You did..you did what to him? Cursed him, made him into a sacrifice? You’re the exact man I would kill. I’d tear each of your teeth out, every other one so you can still beg for your life. I’ll have all my works of your son on display, making you watch that beautiful boy of yours so happy without you. Maybe he’ll even visit me while I start to skin you, give me a peck on the cheek and a drink while I continue to work. You will pay.”

@murdersinthemaking

Robert’s face twists into one of disgust, and not for the reasons you’d think. The sound and sight of torture isn’t a new one. Before his death, he’d been involved in some… less than tasteful affairs. But the last thing he needed to hear was another man fawning over his son like some school girl with a crush.

“I’d rather be skinned alive and dipped into alcohol for a lasting burn before I watch you coddle my son. You’re disgusting, do you know that? Then again, I suppose Oliver did well in staying close to his kind. You can take advantage of the trash I left behind all you want, just leave me out of it.

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦 Aaron's threats? Empty?

"Ace, heel."

Uh oh.

"Go play."

If Robert wants to be stuck-up without a face or throat, he's most welcome to try.

Well, this certainly didn’t go the way he thought it would.

Robert is only a mere servant and messenger, so he didn’t get any sort of increase of strength after his death. So when Ace is let loose to play…

Let’s just say that when he‘s done, he’s barely a body to begin with.

[lost-soul-in-time]

To the Robert-shaped smear on the ground: haha get fucked

If he still had a face to glare at the two of them, he would be doing just that. Except he doesn’t. He’s just a stump of nothing.

Damn them.

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦 In other words: Why the ever-loving fuck would you do that to your child? Are you fucking insane?

And don't give me that shit about "the power it brought your family", you selfish prick. You harmed your infant son and now he's tied to some fucking shadow demon!

You know, the one you beat him for being able to see?

You're a shitty person and a worse father; fucking seethe in it, bitch.

-marco

Your outburst doesn’t earn a yell of anger or an attempt to defensively make sense of his actions. In fact, there’s no reaction on his face.

There’s silence for a moment.

And then he smiles at you. A proud, condescending thing.

“Look at you, coming to his aid, exactly like a hero. Are you proud of yourself for defending the ones who are lesser than you?” Stepping slowly towards you, his smile drops into hidden rage boiling deep in his chest but not daring to burst yet.

“Unfortunately for you, I do not need to explain myself nor try to feel remorse just because it’s demanded from me by some weak, impertinent, fragile worm. Here’s something for you to remember: I will never regret what I’ve done, nor will I feel anything for his supposed suffering. If he’s puny and worthless now, it’s because he’s spent his time trailing after baselessly currish people such as yourself.”

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦 surprise bite! how are we feeling without a ring finger?

crunchity hunchity hippity hoppity

your fingerbones are now ace's property

Unfortunately for Ace, having his finger torn off isn’t as painful as it would have been if he were still alive.

On the bright side, it does cause him a significant amount of anger. Perhaps too much of it.

“Why you little—!” Glaring between where his ring finger once was and over at the man who just bit it clean off, he harshly shoves Ace aside with his cane, the end of it momentarily digging into his ribs when he’s pushed before pulling it away.

“Get away from me, you animal! Look what you’ve done!” Clutching tightly at his cane, he groans as he looks over the wound. This wouldn’t heal for quite some time. Damn time whole place and his son’s little playthings.

“Of course he decided to keep you around for company; every freak sticks to its own kind, doesn’t it?”

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦+ did you kill him?

Robert goes still, expression stoic and empty of sympathy. Completely apathetic.

“I did what had to be done.”

[lost-soul-in-time]

👨‍👦

They practically dig their heel into the wound on Robert's neck, kick him over so that he's looking up at them.

They crouch down a bit, grabbing his jaw so harshly that they hear it crack under their fingertips.

They're so tempted to break his ribs, to reorganise every bone in his body so that he can never move right again. What's stopping them, anyway?

"Keep laughin' an' I'll tear ye fuckin' larynx from yer throat, y'hear?"

Maybe somebody should stop them.

@ink-being

Robert can’t make a choking sound, but it’s clear that the pressure put on the wound of his neck is uncomfortable.

At least his mouth was still intact… mostly. His teeth never stop displaying themselves in a sadistic, bloody grin, silently judging Ollie and feeding off of the anger they’ve managed to pull from them.

Such a violent soul.

With the blood remaining in his mouth, he spits it out to land on their clothing, having aimed at their face to truly set in stone the disrespect he’d shown but deciding that would have to do.

Even in death, he’s insufferable. The angrier they get, the more arrogant his expression becomes, never not looking at them like they’re simply dust in his eye.

They don’t scare him. He can’t die, which makes this whole scene that’s unfolded so entertaining.