#how am i supposed to perceive that
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#i miss the days on twitter where my art reach a lot of people easily and i dont get harassed daily by alt accounts#these days my posts barely reach 300 500 likes but theres always that one guy who are like this is cringe or whatever#so annoying#how am i supposed to perceive that#that my followers hate my art so much they turn into hate followers and use alts to send harassment???#and my art didnt even change much#i might not improve much but at least i know it isnt worse than before#jfc i hate this#i just wanna draw gay shit and get fun serotonin
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tsc social media au part eleven









coincidentally my school is currently doing a britney spears inspired musical so that’s really cool
full karaoke list here! (for context on some of these tweets)
#neil has definitely made jean listen to obnoxious french songs (bad romance by lady gaga) idk when or how just know that he has#oh derrick allen how am i even supposed to begin perceiving you#tsc social media au#the trojans#madeline hill#derek thompson#travis jordan#haoyu liu#jeremy knox#jean moreau#jerejean#laila dermott#neil josten#catalina alvarez#cody winter#ananya deshmukh#min cai#ashton cox#shawn anderson#derrick allen#the golden raven#the sunshine court#aftg#all for the game
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sick(?)
#messyr#doodle#vent art#?? well not really! just skl#coping through drawing bc its what keeps me from rotting in bed#my body cant keep up fjdshzhl and i just feel worse every time i try to 'function' even as basic tasks it makes me want to throw up AAAAH#this artist does not KNOW how to take care of themselves help help help help fsdjxhf#how am i supposed to fkin tell my dad nor my relatives im just so- PHYSICALLY- and MENTALLY TIRED without it perceived as lazy or an excuse#same goes to my professors bc ive been missing out ALOT in school lately and my classmates are also probably wondering where the hell I am#( group activities etc etc i want to km s - I've failed TWO MAJOR SUBJECTS BC OF HOW IVE BEEN DOING-AAAAAAAAAH)#if not physically then its my noisy ass brain that spirals me into depressive episodes where I literally cant do jackshit about
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the most interesting character detail about maeve through which i have extrapolated at least half my understanding of her is that she prefers to be called maeve. i frequently see "maggie" pop up in meta and fic as her chosen name, but quite literally nobody calls her that, including (and most significantly) elena. elena is maeve's tether to her humanity and her refuge away from vought, yet even elena only ever refers to her as maeve. (and in season 2, we learn that maeve started dating elena before she joined the seven -- before queen maeve's popularity would have become so inescapable that she would feel compelled to introduce herself by that name.) it's especially notable that in her final scene, maeve refers to starlight as annie for only the second time, but she is still called maeve by both annie and elena.
here's what we know about maeve's life as maggie: she had a rocky relationship with her father whom she doesn't seem to speak to anymore, she's from a "cousin-fucker hick town" as described by homelander -- i can't imagine this place being terribly lgbt-friendly, and she generally lacks connection with anyone she would have known before becoming queen maeve. she doesn't have fond memories of this time of her life, and perhaps that extends to all associations with it, including the name maggie.
i tend to think that becoming queen maeve was, in many ways, self-actualizing for her. the act that garners her national attention and earns her a ticket to vought is a heroic one -- she breaks every single bone in her right arm to save a school bus from falling off a bridge. and i know madelyn says she is responsible for the mythos of queen maeve, but this character was still aspirational, and likely someone maeve wanted to live up to. in any case, this new identity gave her a purpose and tools to achieve it: she wanted to help people! by her own admission, maeve enters vought bright-eyed and hopeful, not far off from annie. (maeve is also one of the only supes in the seven not to know about compound v -- she doesn't strike me as religious but believing she's among the very few born with powers would have strengthened her internal drive to be a hero.)
it's for the same reason that i think maeve actually... liked having powers? of course she says otherwise in her last season, but season 3 maeve is cynical and weary from about two decades of dealing with vought and homelander's abuse. they've used her first as the token woman and then the token gay person of the seven. after growing largely passive to the brutality of the job, the flight 37 incident forces her to confront all of the violence she's witnessed and tolerated. she's given pieces of herself away and she loathes the husk of herself that's left. i don't find it surprising that she would want to relinquish every single connection to vought, including her powers.
assuring herself that she will be better off without her powers comes with an added benefit: she gets to distinguish herself from homelander, who would be lost without his powers. and i think she is eager to make this distinction in her mind because there are some uncomfortable similarities between their initiations into vought. the mantle of homelander allows him to exert agency for the first time in his life, just as the mantle of queen maeve endows her with purpose for the first time in hers. (crucially, none of his current circle call him john, either.) they both enjoy being the most powerful superheroes in the world, the unending public adoration, and (in my interpretation) each other. they're also both overwhelmingly lonely and they know it -- homelander teases her multiple times about how she has no friends with a bit more bite in every passing season, while maeve is keenly aware of his isolation and exploits his yearning for love pretty effectively.
maeve steadily grows disillusioned with her position at vought because she still has a moral code, suppressed though it may be. even so, she nearly relents to homelander's vision: that they will be lonely at the top but lonely together. she's pulled out of her miserable state of inaction by annie and elena. annie reminds her of what a hero should be (what she was, once); elena offers her a way out of vought, serving as maeve's light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.
she escapes that tower as maeve, not maggie. she rejects homelander's god complex which engenders his cruelty towards regular people and 'lesser' supes -- no one will call her queen maeve ever again, at least -- but it is still important to her to be a hero, and for better or for worse, she found that as maeve. i feel like she'd struggle to exist without her powers (possibly the self-awareness hasn't settled in yet) for all the reasons mentioned above. i like to think that eventually, she'll circle around to helping people and resisting vought however possible -- albeit on a smaller, more covert scale so she can continue living a peaceful life with elena.
#sorry for this word vomit i have just been thinking about maeve! what's in a name...#motivated by 2 years of reading takes about maeve wanting to be a normie (during s1-3 and prior) that i don't rly agree with#i'm not offering this as the 'right' interpretation of course this is just what makes sense for me!!#i have a couple of things i wanted to add (particularly re: maeve x HL since i know how consensual their relationship was#is controversial and i feel a bit weird slipping in that characterization of it w/o any follow-up)#but for now i am just going to say it fits with how i perceive her character trajectory and leave it there??#because i don't want to disrupt this post my thoughts on that#i also have mixed feelings on her ending but again not the post for it i suppose#queen maeve#the boys#maeve x elena#maeve x homelander#annie x maeve#supe names in this show are interesting... curious to see what they will do w annie next season
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HE DIDN'T 😭😭😭😭💛💛
#this man#how am I supposed to act now :'D#I got my art on his story 😭😭🥺💛💛#i have been perceived#and blessed :'3#häärijä#käärijä crew#micahs foolery
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in the trenches (trying to figure out what 16 year old jeremy knox would be like & how to write him)
#also specifically how nicky hemmick would perceive him#this was supposed to be a silly goofy expansion of the jerenicky thought experiment#never to be published#but then i was like ‘what if i got it to an ao3 place’ and that was a mistake#because now they have to feel in character and i am Struggling#aftg#jeremy knox
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ew i hate looking back on any social media and seeing my old cringe posts (especially on tiktok) like help!!!! that isn’t me anymore don’t look please!!!! 😅 i can barely handle my current cringe posts don’t make me revisit the past please!!!! i am working so hard to constantly keep growing and learning and changing my mindset and becoming a better me every day and i am no longer that version of myself and i do not know her like that anymore. but dang like her reminants are still out there lingering and i do not like it one bit… 😔
#lena.txt#be gone thoughts#mini vent#this is true of real life as well like don’t perceive me in such a way please that girl is long gone#this is the only downside to constantly growing and learning#you get to feel like shit everytime you reflect on the past#like i love knowing better and doing better i just wish i’d always known better#how do you get rid of the shame#how do you stop feeling guilty about the version of you that didn’t know better#at least i have a long life ahead of me to keep learning and growing and becoming the best version of me i can be#i have to remember that#i really do appreciate having my thoughts and ideas challenged bc a lot of times it helps me see from a new perspective#and even learn something new or come to better understanding of where someone else is coming from#bc regardless of whether or not having my beliefs or ideas challenged changes my mind or not i still appreciate it#bc it gives me an opportunity to see something i didn’t see before and reflect on my own thoughts and beliefs#i’ve grown to almost like being corrected when i make a mistake or do something wrong bc everything is an opportunity to better myself#but the shame that comes along with it is something i have yet to unlearn#why am i talking about this now i’ve strayed too far away from the point#this was supposed to be about my old dumb blog posts lol#like i said i love the opportunities to learn and grow and do better#but sometimes it makes me feel like i’m just a blank slate that people project their ideas onto#i know it’s not true and i am passionate in my core values and beliefs but i always assume everyone is smarter than me#i assume everyone else knows better than me and i am always the last to know anything or the last to figure it out#and sometimes i take everything anyone says to me as an absolute truth when they don’t actually know any better than me#and then it becomes ingrained in my head and it’s so hard to get it out and fully reject the idea#all these disorders are driving me crazy man#i hate having bpd and i hate having ocd relating to morality#i wake up every morning and suddenly hate everything i said or did the previous day#like do i even think what i think???#who am i??? where am i going???
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What a totally normal and completely hinged thing for someone to say 🫠
#not snz#wtf is wrong with him lmao#who says things like this#i was warning him bc we worked together a couple days ago#three negative covid tests for me so far but I'm a paranoid bitch#and this was his response to that#wtf is that about#what is wrong with the vanillas#but also like#sickfic ideas fr lmao#but on a real note no I'm horrified#i don't want anyone perceiving me rn unless they're trying to get off lmao#and he is Not idk whay he's fucking doing#no bc fr tell me who the hell says things like this#also unrelated but his lack of apostrophes bothers me lmao#anyway#how am i supposed to respond to this lmao#partner posting
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joining another fandom is remembering how I fumbled the ball in the previous one and I gotta breathe so deeply through my nose like I won't fuck it up this time

#listen its just fucking stranger things#i dont like antis hiding in the cracks all stealthy until someone enables them to express open hate for my fave#so i called them out and said i fucking hated them but i never said any names i just said how i felt#it was an impulse but my whole feed was just a flood of this fucking elitism#where is the fucking variety with all these men who are never mentioned#well i only care about tommy and billy anyways#i mean i dont ever hold focus and i havent since i lost my best friend#and i love talking to myself the most because free will is great and everyone judges when we openly express our mind#i dont personally bother anyone like ever#this shit is always in my own space or my own solitude but ill do that shit in public broh#i dont need a fucking microchip in my ear and half the fucking time i do talk to someone#they cant process where the fuck i am in reality and ill provide them context and everything#and it all comes down to being treated like im a schizoid who makes this shit up that i share#i dont lie tho and yeah when i relay crazy fucking information that i notice around me#they never believe me and the one time i tried to report some fucked up shit#they trapped me in the system and my fucking detective never did shit because well#whos going to believe someone no one ever takes seriously just because theyre a mental case#no broh idgaf i am great at puzzles and when i verbalize it rather than letting silence control me out of fear from stigma#im intelligent and so real that people dont know how to handle someone who is too fucking good for psychic warfare#like im still battling grief from losing my best friend and the more that reality hits me like a wrecking ball#the more fucked up i get and low and behold im a fucking mirror reflection of someone i used to be#i mean i gotta be a real living nightmare because im pissed broh and when ppl think they can judge#and talk all this shit with their shit talking friends that validate their bitch ass who accepts praise from antis from being mean to my fav#you bet your sweet ass im going to drag them and expect the clique who flocked to me to hold them accountable for being a fake ass bitch#well they didnt and they all dropped me because they rather ignore their fake ass friend who wrote shit fucking fics that appeased the hater#whatever fuck them because i dont follow cliques anyways and they took over my otp AND ALWAYS POST STEDDIE#fuck off lol i hate them im always going to remember that fake ass shit and they never asked if i wanted to be included#im just supposed to sign a form ummm well fuck that. thats my given right and i fed those bitches FOR YEARS. the disrespect broh.#anyways im moving on to better things and idc about what others think anymore#my best friend killed my fear of other people and how others perceive me is never who i truly am but they can keep guessing
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Wrote like a thousand deeply self-indulgent, absolutely devoid of any kind of plot words about my OCs. Woooo 🎉🎉
#more specifically there's a few paragraphs on sol's feelings towards minrathous (positive)#and quite a bit that's pure fluff of instei not giving a shit about the inquisition#while harding and bellara vaguely gossip about amaris & dorian's relationship#see instei is terribly unsuited to gossiping about the inquisitor or mr magister dorian pavus or maker forbid the two of them together#purely because they do Not give a shit. not about the inquisition not about a magister#this only matters to them because bellara's cute when she's excited about romance#but me personally? well i am rotating veilguard era dorian/amaris in my head on a daily basis#like. sure that meeting was in minrathous because it's a big city and you can be anonymous there. mhm.#that and No Other Reason. certainly not because amaris' partner lives there. of course not#thank you bellara for caring if it was just instei it'd be sad#but having instei who neither knew nor cares about this to contrast with bellara who didn't know but Does care... yay#also i love the outsider pov thing. sucker for it. how other people perceive a character or relationship....#all of them thinking of amaris as 'the inquisitor' the whole time because not even harding's on a first name basis with him......#like truly so fun to jump from thinking about amaris and dorian chilling in private#to randos who vaguely know them sparing 10 minutes of their day to think about the inquisitor and dorian pavus being in a relationship#so fun for me. so crunchy#i can't show that to anyone though because it's got negative plot and it only scratches MY itch to have my guy discussed by outsiders#since no one else is in the amaris fanclub. except my bestie M i suppose. fanclub of two#wow i have a ramble tag now
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anyone else physically unable to write about or talk about themselves in third person or is it just me
#can't even make a picrew of someone who is Like Me without going through an entire identity crisis#like come on. how am i supposed to resolve the rift between how i perceive myself and how others perceive me?#just tell me who i am and i'll be them okay?#anyway i'm feeling normal goodnight
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do you ever think about how nothing ever feels real unless it isn’t?
#physical events and groups and relationships mostly don’t “feel” real#they don’t feel.. enough#it’s so hard for me to imagine something being real and physical#but if it’s fictional or if i’m looking and interacting with it through a screen it feels#so much more… present#maybe it’s the dopamine addiction talking#what is a relationship what is an eveng#i think it’s more that it’s hard to imagine for me rather than it is less real#i don’t know#it feels like i can perceive so much less#how am i supposed to imagine a future now?
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i've seen a lot of people say that 'the summoning' is the most unnerving song in npmd, and for good reason; it is immensely well-executed and excellently communicates how terrifying the lords in black can be. however, i don't see many people talking about 'cool as i think i am (reprise)' in this respect. yes, it's primarily meant to be tragic and pull on your heartstrings, because it makes you believe that pete is going to die and steph, his lover, will be the culprit. but honestly, the first time i listened to it, it was genuinely unsettling because of the contrast between the lyrics and its perceived purpose. at this point in the show, we've heard the song before and we know that it precedes tragedy. however, in this context, when pete and steph are finally revealing their feelings for one another, this song is when we as the audience are given the "confession of love" moment. thus, it is framed as a love song (however tragic). but the lyrics are literally pete trying to convince steph to kill him. it was very disconcerting, at least personally on the first watch.
#hatchetfield#hatchetverse#nerdy prudes must die#npmd#i'm pretty sure this is not how 'cool as i think i am (reprise)' was supposed to be perceived#please continue to see it as a tragic love song if you so wish
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I wonder how much of a different impression people who follow only my main blog (this one right here) have of me compared to people who follow my side blog too. Because I feel like it's probably a big difference lol.
Because here I don't really post much, especially not lately, except for my writing, occasional reblogs of things related to writing, reblogs of other people's writing, and Scarlet Hollow and Slay the Princess. While on my side blog I am much more active and reblog a much wider variety of things. And I let myself have opinions publicly there, which seems to be a bad idea on this blog judging by the fact that I reblogged a writing-related poll here yesterday and ended up with an anon in my inbox calling me a puritan for not wanting minors to read my nsfw writing.
#yes i think too much about how other people perceive me#also yes this is an invitation to tell me what your perception of me is especially if you only follow my main blog#assuming anyone who only follows my main blog even has an opinion of me. i feel i am so bland and devoid of personality here so maybe not#i feel like shit right now and i want to know if people have any opinions of me at all so forgive me for being annoying right now#(opinions other than me allegedly being a puritan hopefully)#i suppose i want to be perceived to feel real
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TEMPO SWING AI.MI
#thats just aimi when they feel like a boy that day#i. have no idea how genderfluidity is perceived by oneself and i suppose i am due for a teaching eventually#‘’aimi on a boy day’’ lmfao. but i have no idea if thats right to say#cataclysmic ranting
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people need to learn to enjoy things for longer periods of time and not try to make all their past interests cringe just bc they feel that the teenage/kid version of them was cringe about said interest
#yes i saw people being mean about TOP on tiktok#“i still dont understand what a kitchen sink is supposed to be to him” YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO#its A METAPHOR#kitchen sink is a placement object that only specifically means something to the author#as the audience you are invited to make your own “kitchen sink” aka PURPOSE of living#its a song about the joy and individuality of creation about how you are unique and only you can have the view that you have on things and#how no one else will have the EXACT same interpretation and UNDERSTANDING of your own art#kitchen sink slander aside#why cant people just ENJOY things#i dont like latest top albums that doesn't mean everything else they've made is suddenly bad and cringe#they did the same thing with dnp too#“oh the whiskers era was so cringe”#by cringe do you mean “oh no i enjoyed something a little too much”?#just. fuck off.#it also feels so mean to neurodivergent people i think#like YES i AM that type of person to scream and be “cringe” and be passionate about my interests in ways that can be perceived as#off putting and weird#hdgh.txt
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