#hot stove thought IS a lucky ghoultwink wrongshoulder original

[rabbit-coded]

DONT psychoanalyze me

god knows i need to watch past s5 if i actually want to make a cohesive like. thought here. but i do think at least %95* of deans Problems Disorders can be directly traced to his childhood (not controversial i know this). like his early childhood even. and i think hes aware of some of this! one day i will make the horrible diagram of how his brain works but like. he has some self awareness. i just think he expends a lot of energy just steadfastly ignoring certain things about himself and his life bc if he thinks abt them its like touching a hot stove kjsd u either stop right away with just a lil damage or u keep ur hand on it but its not like u dont know its there!!!

and i think hes even a little aware of it wrt his relationship w sam (not in a freak way. dont arrest me) but i THINK that awareness ends w ‘oh perhaps. PERHAPS it was kind of fucked up that i was looking after a 6 year old by myself for days when i was ten years of age’. but the whole thing where he has to protect/look out for his brother even into middle age (good god) is mostly beyond conscious thought for him. like its just baked in there like by god you put too much salt in these cookies but whatre u gonna do abt it now! u cant take it out!

anyway if he ever tried to seriously seriously put thought into whether an action he was taking in the moment was actually constructive to helping sam be happy and self actualized and if it was really his place to make a call in the first place it wouldnt even be a hot stove thought situation it would just be white noise. 

like Hot Stove Thought is a thought/part of your self that you are aware of!! you are aware of it you just have to either choose not to engage in order to function or you cant stop skirting around the thought (thinking about it without Thinking about it) (equivalent of staring at the stove) or you just fully lay your hand onto the red element and dont stop. White Noise isnt even white noise i think its just ‘oh my brain is on fire’. ur brain just shuts down. its a loadbearing part of his identity if u take it out or if he was forced to just straight up confront it by himself the whole Dean would just collapse. 

anyway what im saying is that sam and dean need to live in different towns. like a 2 hour drive minimum. dean would have to be under like ashd idk like. crisis watch for a year.

(* other %5 is just being under an unbelievable amnt of constant stress since he was 4. even this is partly related to his childhood but like. it couldve stopped at some point but it didnt bc its a tv drama not a hurt/comfort fanfiction)