#hoshskks thinking about kou go brrrr

[sunnnfish]

(Tbhk Spoilers !! I think ? Maybe ?) anyways ramble time :)

Thinking about like why Kou is so ready to hurt himself or straight up die for other people...

It’s like,, he clearly isn’t as strong as Teru, and even Tiara seems to have a lot more potential than he does, so like, he must have some sort of inferiority complex yknow ?

In other media that’s usually portrayed as a lot more anger and frustration and bitterness that they’re not good enough but Kou like... never stops trying, never stops being positive and optimistic and happy, to the point he hurts himself just to prove something. I also think he is just a generally positive and happy person, but it could be one of those cases where he doesn’t want to be a burden, since he already feels isn’t much help elsewhere, so he never lets himself complain or open up to people. As long as he thinks he’s protecting or helping someone, he’ll do anything with a smile.

And I think he knows he isn’t strong enough to like solve things normally, so that’s why he goes to such extremes just to be enough for someone or to simply help someone. From (relatively) minor things like letting his staff burn his hands to heckin bonkers stuff like falling off a building for one guy.

Especially with that picture perfect Mitsuba scene, I bet he thought he wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to help Mitsuba normally, and simply being there for him wasn’t enough, so he thought he had to take it a step further to truly understand and help Mitsuba. He never once thought about himself, or what he wanted, or even about what happens next. He cares for other people way more than he does for himself, and as sweet as that is, he does it way too often. It’s like there’s no barrier in his brain that stops him from going to “die for them,” because sometimes that’s the only thing in his power he feels can do.

I think he ties his worth to his power as an exorcist and his ability to help people—and when both of those fail, that’s when he breaks.

(The only time he admits any of this is after Mitsuba is corrupted(?) and dies a second time—“I wish I was more like Teru.”)

And I bet as an exorcist, he’s probably been told to do things for the greater good, because he’s one of the only ones who can defeat supernaturals n stuff, so that lowers his self worth even more (I read a really good oneshot kinda about this and I can’t remember it for the LIFE of me) (edit: it’s heirloom by beecalm on ao3 thank u @honourary-anon for saying so I love u)

Anyways this might be a bit disjointed and contradictory maybe but I am thinking ....