#hoshi i just want to love you... haha... don't read this and think i hate you or something

[mixtapedoh]

literally ran to your inbox when i saw your writing event post. may i request hoshi with autumn by niki because i like pain and can not get this song out of head for days now

omg, a fellow niki lover <3333 jen, you always have had such wonderful taste. i love the way her songs allow me to bleed.

ᴅɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴇᴀɴ ꜰʀᴇᴇ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍᴇ?

☄. *. ⋆

pairing: kwon soonyoung x reader (not endgame) genre: angst, break-up word count: ~1k warnings: heartbreak, death imagery (don't we love angst and more angst and a dash of even more crushing angst?), barely there plot but fuck it, we ball.

olive's notes: a very interesting exercise for me! tbh, as a niki fan, i love to cast her songs as potential fic ideas, and when i hear autumn, my gut reaction is woozi, so to think about hoshi instead was a welcome challenge. hopefully i did it justice <3.

Read

You stare at those four letters, that single word, the broken sentence fragment not even deserving of punctuation until the blue light of your phone burns the impression of it into your retina in a persistence that lasts longer than your last conversation with him, just days before.

Read.

Not even four letters he had deigned to type out — some semblance of a response to your longing that you'd attempted to sever with a knife that, rusted through, meant you had to saw at that place where you deemed your attachment thinnest over and over: a back and forth motion, a seasickened sort of nausea that left you emptier than perhaps the hacking would have resulted in, had the cut been clean. But no; to all that you had spilled before him in your text (written and rewritten, drafted and thrown out, wept over, then created anew), all he could offer you — all he would give you, now — was silence. A read receipt. All your feelings still spilling out of you, pooling in shallow oceans, sales tax. Your anger, change. A transaction in the deficit. A run-up tab, a thousand I-owe-you's coalescing in just four letters, not even the ellipses of thought.

Read.

But did he?

When you fell for Hoshi all those months ago, it certainly hadn't been for his careful trepidation, or some thoughtful penchant for contemplation. It was for the lack of it, really. The way he so effortlessly swept you up — took your wary hands, and with a smile that seemed to embody the whole of him, coaxed the laughter out of you, and then following, the vulnerable, sticky truth. He liked it — liked you — he always pressed for more.

And so you'd give, and he would take. Then he'd offer, and you'd come closer to receive. Close enough to memorize the lines in his face, intimate enough to carve the worst of you into his bones.

And then work came between you, as it was wont to do. You were seeing each other in secret, of course (could you imagine what they'd say, if all the world knew?), but then people grew suspicious, an accounting of his every move including too many reports of you. So space was needed, but Soonyoung was apologetic, and you were hopeful you'd pull through.

"I love you," you'd whisper in the late night phone calls when he'd still be in his sweats and running choreography that was perfect as is.

(It wasn't right, he'd always claim. And he'd do it again and again, critiquing it over and over. Sharper. More focused. Harder. More precise. Another replay of the same, small moment. A circle that he could never claim was finished, an ideal he could never move past. It would be perfect. It had to be right. It wasn't enough if it were half-performed, it would never signify.)

"You love me?" he'd laughing, reply. Joking self deprecation, it had began, then a spiral towards something doubtful and unsure. A while yet and it began to hollow and turn cold.

"You love me?" he'd once said. "Not if I love you more."

And what if he'd stopped all together? A train crash or a too-long sustained whimper, it's silence a death.

Could you love him still, if this feeling is just aching? Could you love him if your phone calls were never picked up and only once, returned? Could you love him if you begged to hear from him and he'd go for weeks at a time without giving you a word? Could you love him if — at midnight — you texted him that it felt as though with each passing day he was loving you less, and every moment your breath was hitched in anticipation waiting for him to come home an agony of only half-living and drowning in your own insecurities and sorrow.

Could you love him if you sent it, and waited all that early morning for his reply, only for him to read it 4 hours later and not even reply?

"I'm so lucky I met you," Soonyoung had once said to you, with flowers in his hands, a bouquet of bleeding colors, a display near blinding when you looked at it head on. The assortment was so fresh, their fragrance assaulted your every sense, and the reminder of him lingered long after he was gone.

The aroma was gone, now. The savor expired, the petals wilted and sagged. You were perhaps due another fresh delivery, and maybe he'd bring it to you — every new batch of flowers less ceremonious than the last, with fewer words of endearment, rarely an explanation for all he'd done in between the death of the old set, and the replacement with something new.

Excuses rarely beget the same of their kind, and thinness only ever tried to be better, still.

. . .

He was typing.

Maybe that read receipt was still burned into your retinas. Maybe despite this offer of something, you were through.

☄. *. ⋆

blog home

[themurdochmemesteries]

fic author interview

Thanks for the tag @papercranesong ! I love talking so this is gonna be fun.

How many works do you have on AO3?

Right now, 229 across all pseuds.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1,040,577 words. (Yes I know I write a lot.)

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Displaced (Linked Universe fic)

Haunted Memories (Camp Camp fic, also my first fic posted)

Friend (Sky: Children Of The Light fic)

Nightmares Linger in the Darkest Light (Linked Universe fic)

i stand there beside you (when the storm comes through) (Star Trek: Enterprise fic)

I really only even like 2 of these fics on this list haha.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I forget, but I do try my best to reply to the comments I get. Sometimes I skip a few if I have regular commenters that comment on each chapter of a fic just to not spam their inbox.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Oh, too many to count. Every death fic I've written (all 27 of them) counts as a fic with an angsty/dark ending lol.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I've written 229 fics. I can barely keep up with them myself. I've written too many fluff fics to count. (I feel very useless with these answers, but they're the best I can manage lol.)

7. Do you write crossovers?

Plenty of fandom fusions, not a lot of proper crossovers. My demon!Malcolm fics are one big fusion series. I'm also in the middle of posting an ENT/Hunger Games fusion AU. I did once write a Murdoch Mysteries/Enterprise crossover where the character Llewellyn Watts ended up on Enterprise, but I never posted it.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I made Tripol T4T and got hate for it, so yes! And it made me laugh lol.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I used to be so bad at it. Then I discovered a knack for writing the kinkiest, roughest, most hardcore smut (hardcore for an asexual anyway LMAO). I don't write it very often, though.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope. Who'd want to steal my fics?

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I once translated my own fic to Norwegian. But otherwise, no.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yup! But I had a bad experience the first time, so I'm very wary now.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Malcolm Reed/Trip Tucker! My beloved gays <3

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

the beauty of forgotten love. It's a Desmond's fic that was planned to be medium-length but I lost motivation.

15. What are your writing strengths?

It used to be description, but now it's dialogue. I love and thrive on dialogue!

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions. The longer I write fanfiction, I've noticed the less I describe things, probably because there's no need to describe a character's appearance or what a starship quarters looks like since it's assumed whoever's reading the fic already knows all that.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I once google translated Russian for a Russian!Malcolm crackfic. I'm pretty sure I got more than a few words wrong. I don't do it anymore.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I thought it was Camp Camp, but that's just the first fandom I posted for. In reality, I used to write Hunger Games and Titanic fanfiction when I was but a wee lad (about 10 or 11).

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

Fandom - I've written for all the fandoms I want to write for so far.

Ship - so many, mostly trios and polycules. Malcolm/Trip/Hayes. Malcolm/Trip/Hoshi. Malcolm/Trip/Hoshi/T'Pol. And so on.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

these late eclipses. Lol I always list this one, but I just love it so much!! I think it's a good example of what I'm capable of, even if the writing style is a bit childish, but the story is solid!

Tagging @ozzie-starfur @peculiarreality @glitter-and-metal @someguywriting and anyone else who wants to join in!

fic author interview

Yoinked this from @ladytharen because it looked like fun. Hope that's not presumptuous of me. <.<

Tagging @deadheaddaisy, @phoenixflames12, @butcharondir, and anybody else who'd like to play.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

60! That's a nice round number.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

Currently 593,580 - though in fairness, nearly a third of that is a single fic.

It was a different time back when I wrote that.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The four fics of my Built to Last series (though not in order, lol)

What We Build Here

For the Duration

From the Ground Up

The Place We Call Home

And rounding out the top 5, a Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency fic!

Lay Down the Beat 

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Absolutely! And because I have very little self-control, I will often do so within minutes of receiving them! 😅

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmmm. I don't really do angst - I mean, I'll write stories where angst happens, but that's rarely the point of the story. If the plot demands a dash of angst, then, much like a chocolate recipe that needs some salt, it will get its angst. But I don't really set out to write A Series of Sad Events in Which the Characters Are Sad; that's just not my style or my taste.

So I can't really say that ANY of my stories have an angsty ending. Oh well.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

With the above in mind, happy endings are basically a guarantee, at least up to a point. 😆 I let my darlings be happy, I let them get married and have things work out, because it's fiction, dammit, and I can.

That being said, probably the happiest of all would be just about any of my Trip/T'Pol fic, because I let them get married and have kids and successful careers and be surrounded by friends and family who love and support them because SCREW YOU CANON.

7. Do you write crossovers?

No, I don't think my brain's wired for that. I just...can't seem to.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Never on AO3 (okay, I once got snippily told I'd mistagged something, but that wasn't hate). I have gotten hate here on Tumblr, though never anything specific, just general "u suck" which...whatever.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

For a long time, I did not.

That answer has since changed.

As for what kind...the sweetest, fluffiest, most loving, happy, vanilla, tooth rotting smut ever.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, and I seriously doubt I ever would. I'm rather niche.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Again, niche. Haven't yet, doubt I will.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Years ago, I worked on an AU fic project with a friend that was very cool and a lot of fun. None of it ever got published, though.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Which ever one I'm writing right now. 😁

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I wouldn't mind finishing my Shadowrun: Dragonfall fic The Haven. Maybe some day.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, baby! I can have two characters sit and talk to each other FOREVER.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action and physical description. Even when I can clearly see a room where action is occurring in my mind, I have real trouble describing it on the page.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I used to not have any, then I started making up words and phrases in my own version of Andorian for my Trek fic.

And I still don't really have many thoughts, because I'm sure I'm doing it wrong.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Hmmmm. Pretty sure there's some BtVS fic of mine still existent on LiveJournal. 😅

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

I'd love to write Discworld (I adore Carrot/Angua), but Discworld is already so perfect. It would have to be an absolute gem of an idea.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Whichever one I just finished. 😄

[tmtxtf]

Hello love <3

Thank you !! <33 I have more classes to teach now , so I'm probably going to be a bit busier this month but it's still good ! Hope everything's going well with you !

Ohh those are rly entertaining to watch !

Oof , I hate when they add too many ads to websites . It always makes me want stop using it lol Looking forward to that too! ^^

Aw , that's so sweet of you to say 🥰🥰 I'm glad I'm friends with you too !!

Oh that works out then haha Me too <3 I feel like I can be rly open while talking with you and like we're getting to know each other pretty well !

Well , I'm considered fluent but not perfectly ! I still stammer sometimes when I speak ! Wow so you speak Spanish , English , and some French ? I'm always so impressed when people speak more than 2 languages bc I struggled just to learn a second one haha Hmm , I don't currently plan to live abroad , but if I were to live in another country , it'd probably be Japan ! Also even though it's cliché , I have a lifelong dream of visiting Paris !

Oh , I heard Singapore's a great place to live ! I hope you'll be able to live in one of those places one day ^^

Aww , ty hehe <33 Oo I see !! I haven't met many ISFPs , but that's a really cool one to have !!

Right !! Totally agree

I think my favourite Jun era might be this one ! His purple rtl looked so good ;w; but I also love Jun in Teen; Age era ^-^ For Hoshi , I'm not sure if it counts as an era , but I like Spider Hoshi ! And my favourite Hao is hands down black mullet Hao haha

My favourite book is Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie . Bc it was impossible for me to guess who committed the murder , and the ending was so amazing and dramatic ! Hehe ^^

I think my favourite movie is a Spanish film called Contratiempo bc it had an amazing mystery plot ! (+ the Marvel movies ^-^)

Hmm , I'd want to hang out with Jeonghan , Wonwoo , and DK ! (Lol that sounds like a weird combination) Bc Jeonghan and DK seem super fun to hang out with ! And I kind of just want to talk with Wonwoo about life , you know ? Haha

Wbu ? Which are your favourite eras of your biases , movie and book , and members you'd get drinks with ?

Bye dear Tay ! 🐈💛

hi my dear k! ✿ʕ ᵔᴥᵔ ʔ✿

how have u been lately? i'm really sorry for taking two days (or three?) in replying but this weekend I had no wifi because i was on a small trip to the countryside (╥_╥), how was your weekend?

I don't know if I already asked but you teach english or french classes? (or literature? I'll read again our conversation about your major^^) also you teach at what level? I think you mentioned something related to middle school so I might guess your students are 12-16? I hope my guesses are correct haha

aww, thank u for your nice words!! I also feel pretty comfy to talk to u, for me it's like I'm talking to an old friend, it's so easy and I always enjoy getting your messages and reading your replies (◕‿◕)♡.

oh! but how long did it take you to speak fluent? don't worry I bet stammer will finish once you gain more practice! I'm wishing you the best success at being completely fluent ^^, well you could say so but I only say I speak spanish and english because those are the languages I'm more fluent but so far during my student life I have studied french, german and mandarin but somehow I haven't continued learning them better, maybe on a near future I'll restart learning them bc I have a short term memory for languages lol / oh! Japan is so pretty, right? and also Paris! (not cliché at all) I'm in love with the city and the museums, also all the architecture!! I think those two options really suit you ♡.

I think I'm really drawn to their technology and way of living, somehow I think living in Singapore is like living in the us and china at the same time? I'm also really interested in their cuisine and culture! thank u for your nice wishes<3

no waaaay, such great choices of eras! I agree with all of them but I would only change hoshi's for any era with dark black or brown hair because I really love natural hair styles!

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I already saw the movie and somehow I can't remember who committed the murder? I still have two weeks before classes start again so I'll try to read the book because its your favorite! (I also love mystery and drama)

oh I haven't seen that one but I see it's on Netflix! I'll watch it because the plot sounds really interesting. ah!! you're also a marvel fan? what's your favorite marvel film and superhero? (I kinda get a thor / spiderman, maybe ant man, vibes from you?)

It's a weird combination but I loved the explanation behind it so I don't think it's weird anymore haha, for me I would choose seungkwan, dino and vernon (mmm I really took my time) I think because we're the same age (I just revealed my age huh) also those three are very funny and have three different ways of seeing life? I think we would drink (I also don't happen to drink alcohol because it's a rlly strong flavor for me but I would only drink 1 or 2 beers?) and talk about life, conspiracy theories and just have a really good time. (somehow I feel if I choose someone like hoshi, jun or hao I would be too shy to talk to them??)

this is so long, i'm sorry! and for the answers (I just read the last part of your message) I'll try to be really brief.

fave era of my biases – home / home;run era! they really look great (hair style and outfits!!) and I also love their performances for both songs.

fave book – le petit prince by antoine de saint-exupéry y la sombra del viento by carlos ruiz zafón (I totally recommend you both but I think the second one might fit a lot with your reading style!)

fave movie – big fish and 27 dresses (i love cheesy romantic films and movies that makes you cry).

wishing you a great start of August! bye bye lovely k! (=^･ｪ･^=)♡.