#horrible 0/10 gross get him out of my sight

[kingofattolia]

I hate cryptocurrency sooooooo much. like oh this is my new money, it's called "stellar lumens" and you have to add a memo to your transactions otherwise they could get lost forever. lost where? great question. the aether perhaps?? cyberspace? anyway, just over here doing clown things with my clown money

[daughterofdescartes]

Why my first ‘situationship’ was doomed from the beginning: a personal Romeo & Juliet story

LONG BUT NECESSARY INTRODUCTION

Ah, failed ‘relationships’. It happens to the best of us. It always ends with hurt feelings, you know, because life is programmed to make us all suffer, since nobody knows why we’re here on this planet anyway! I’m turning 20 in December, and am getting over my very first “special someone” *sighs and looks into the distance*... I’m just kidding he wasn’t that special, just happened to be the first dude I had a “thing” with, that’s all. Even though he’s not that special, the experience I went through involving this guy is what changed my life. Yup, I just said that. Sounds hella dramatic, but i’m literally a changed woman. It was a spiritual journey from beginning to end. 90% of the people who know me don’t even know this happened to me. So, if you’re reading this, consider yourself very lucky! Or not, this is going to be really long and I don’t know how interesting I can make this, but stay with me, you guys...

If you want to know what happened, I can tell you this story very shortly without any of the details, and it will just seem like a very dumb story between two youngsters who both didn’t know what they were doing, like my own modern twist on Romeo and Juliet lol. 

TLDR: I met an emotionally unavailable American guy on a dating app, we talked for a week and then we told each other that we liked one another. After another week, I got very overwhelmed and said that we need to take a break. A month had passed and we started talking again. I got immensely insecure because at this period i was the only one texting first. Confronted him with my insecurities many many times. We still talked for a time span of around 3 months. Right now we haven’t spoken in over 3 weeks and I have honestly accepted that this whole situation was doomed to fail from the beginning and am reborn as a new person.

Honestly? I don’t think I’m very heartbroken at all. But this whole experience did tamper with me psychologically, so it’s not like I have no healing to do or anything. I went through a lot of emotional suffering, never truly understanding where it was coming from, but during my evening walk with my dog, a light bulb lit up above my head... (a sockhop beneath my bed, press like if u get the ref xd)

Just so you guys know, this McGuy still haunts my mind everyday. Not all the time, but the thought of him or what has happened, will cross me at least once a day. With this experience being very ‘spiritual’ and all, I have been thinking, a lot. I know, very deep of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a person and why I am the way I am and suddenly... it all clicked.

I was always thinking about him and his actions, but when I started seeing the bigger picture, aka including myself in the story, it suddenly made a whole lot more sense. It was never really about him, it was about Me. So here’s kind of a prologue talking about my history after this long ass introduction. 

PROLOGUE

In my 19 years of existence I had never before messed with anyone romantically. I always just crushed on people, not knowing if any feelings were reciprocated, not knowing if there were any secret admirers (doubt it). I’m not ignorant of the reasons why i’ve been celibate my whole life. I know that i’m kind of shy, pretty insecure, look unapproachable as fuck, not a 10 out of 10 according to society’s standards, etc. 

I used to have a harder time coping with the fact that I had never once experienced mutual ‘romantic love’, but when years and years pass by, you just realize that being a celibate teenager is okay. Although I was okay with it, I still had my moments of frustrations. “What’s wrong with me? Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” But always got myself back on my feet again, telling myself I’m fine and just need to be patient. You’re young, you’ve got lots of time! What’s the rush? Even if majority of your friends already had their first kiss in 9th grade; it’s no big deal, right? You just gotta keep yourself busy with other teenager things like, procrastinating school work, being angsty and rebelling against your parents, spending time on the interwebs and whatever else the teenz do.

So, I kept myself busy throughout middle school and high school, had at least one crush every year, because ya girl gets bored sometimes. Most of them weren’t that meaningful, since I kind of suck at talking to guys in general, because I think they’re aliens. So, I never really got to know most of my crushes as people. It was still a fun time regardless, because who cares about rejection, if you just keep it a secret forever? Except for this one dude I obsessively crushed on for 6 years (while simultaneously crushing on other people, wow multitasking Queen), and Young 14 Year Ol’ Me thought it was a very good idea to tell All my Friends in 8th-9th grade, because 14-15 year olds are so trustworthy and won’t tell anyone, right? I’m pretty sure that guy knows how much I liked him and is kind of creeped out, but 14 year old me was just very excited and infatuated.

Anyways, I graduated high school with ok results and 0 romantic experience! Now this is where life Really Begins!!!!! Time for UNIVERSITY!!! *crowd cheering* 

I’ve always been a creative, artistic soul, though I think that quality is diminishing more and more every year, or maybe I’m just imagining it. Nonetheless, I didn’t Really know what I wanted to study, but have always considered architecture an option because of its creative side. 

Boy. 

Most tiring semester of my life. You only understand once you experience the archilife. I once pooped and when I was done, I stood up and looked back, I literally was astonished at the sight of my own feces, because I had literally forgotten that I had pooped, that was how tired I was. If you are grossed out right now, grow up. We all poop. 

This major is extremely grueling and taxing on both your physical and mental health. If you’re a procrastinator, oh boy, now that’s adding fuel to the fire. I kept procrastinating finishing/starting my preparation for the final big presentation and ultimately had a big mental breakdown, and decided that I wanted to quit architecture. It was never my passion anyway, and this is one of the majors you must be passionate about, or else you won’t make it out alive unless you’re a masochist. 

What comes next after architecture? Sinology aka Chinese studies. I only grew up speaking Shanghainese, so mastering the Mandarin language is something that I have literally always wanted. I was always insecure about my Mandarin skills, so let’s just do that lol. 

No matter how awful architecture school might’ve been, I still met some cool people that I really clicked with. (I’m talking like people you can count on one hand, I’m not that social, okay) Which I was really happy about, because I was scared I wasn’t going to have any friends, because I kind of suck at making them. 

Changing majors was a big shift, suddenly I was all by myself again and had to go through the whole making friends progress again, schucks. 

The architecture campus is in Brussels, while the campus for linguistics is in Leuven. Brussels is a lot more diverse, I would say, so there are less white Belgians. 

Let me tell you something about white Belgians, they are horrible at socializing. Especially the province I live in. They’re horrible. I’m also horrible. Conclusion? Making friends in a predominantly Belgian white class, was freaking hard! BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW YOU!!! THEY JUST LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE BITCH!!!! OR TALKING TO THEIR OWN CLIQUE BEING BORING STAYING IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE!!!! Why do new kids in American movies get so much attention, but the two times I’ve been the new kid literally no one cares. That’s the sad reality of life. I mean Hello? If y’all are not gonna make effort to become friends with me? Are you trying to say? That I have to do the work? Bitch? 

So a month had passed, and I still had no friends, it was pretty darn lonely, but I was getting there slowly. But here’s a funny thing! On one of these lonely nights, I was watching a youtube video and it was sponsored by GUESS WHAT? a dating app! WOW... Now here’s where The Story beginz..

CHAPTER 1: INCOMING

So ya bitch was entertaining herself on YewChewb, I was watching some video from some Chinese American guy, and in this glorious video, he is advertising this dating app called EastMeetEast... Yeah, it’s a dating app where Asian people meet each other. Me, a bored lonely dumbass bitch, was like okay, let’s see what this is about. This should be Funny!!! So I made a profile, with some catfishy pictures of myself, you know, take her swimming on the first date and all that shit. So, I match with a few guys okay fun, (you could only match with, only girls or only guys) And this dodgy app requires men to pay for the app so that they can message with girls, because if you use it for free, they can’t see girls’ messages or something weird? Mind you, girls can see and send messages for free. We love this reverse sexism!

Also, this app isn’t very popular in Belgium, mainly American people use it, so ya. I mainly matched with Asian Americans. 

Turning-point, The Life-Changing Encounter of Death: I match with a 19 year old with the initial A. We’ll call him A for the rest of the story, like some fun little mystery like in Pretty Little Liars. (I’ve never watched it) He only had one picture, but he’s cute. Half Italian, half Chinese. Ok, fun. So shortly after matching he sends me this message on the app: “if you want to talk my username is @_________”. He didn’t really put anything in his bio if i remembered but one thing that was stated on his profile is the HIGH SCHOOL he was in. First red flag. HIGH SCHOOL. First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, why the fuck? But ok lonely ol’ me was feeling Adventurous and this matching with people thing was fun. Male validation did not exist to me before this historical day and chatting with a good looking guy was unheard of.

It didn’t really say what social platform the username was for, the platform always get censored because the app just wants you to pay for the app to talk with people, crayzy. But i just assumed i’d find him on instagram, because that’s where everyone’s texting nowadays. I found him and followed him. He followed me back and messaged me, bingo.

We talk for a short while. I said some cringy ass shit I would literally never say to anyone in real life, because a shishter was feeling very Bold that day. I have never said cringier shit than when i was talking to this guy. It wasn’t anything creepy I just complimented his looks and all he said was “thanks, i’ve seen your pics too. very pretty.” Uh? Who talks like this? What kind of dry ass chicken breast are we eating here? He tells me he’s a high school senior and is born in ‘99. Stayed back a year since he migrated from Cuba to Miami. OK, interesting. 

So after shortly introducing ourselves to each other, he suddenly asks if he can have my number? and I was like ??????????????????????????? Why?????????? Forgetting that people actually talk on iMessage, I barely ever do that. But that’s what A meant. I was sceptical but intrigued. 

We talk some more. Doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and he texts back quickly. This is entertaining. When once again, A asks me a sudden question. “Can I call you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” My head is full of question marks and I start getting sweaty at the thought of having to call a person I barely know. Like I guess this is American culture? Or I just don’t understand calling culture because I have no friends who enjoy calling? But I was like? Calling? That hateful thing my parents force me to do when mailing is not quick enough? Why would you want to do that?

So I’m like, “UH. I DONT KNOW MAN. I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE SO I’M KIND OF NERVOUS LOL. I DON’T THINK I’M READY FOR THIS” (not actually in caps, but this symbolizes my very nervous energy) 

And he replies, “It’s okay. I don’t want to push you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

We were literally talking as if he was asking me to have sex with him, when it was just about a dumbass call. It’s so funny. 

Whatever, we continue talking. It’s time for me to sleep. He says “Buenanotte Bella” ..... ?????? OK.

Next day comes, we talk again. He once again asks out of the blue if he can call me??? So I say

“Are you really that curious?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

I was curious, so I caved in and let him call me. It was so nervewracking. The only men I interact with on a regular basis in my life are my dad, brother and my dog. 

Boy, the moment I heard that voice say “hey”. That’s the moment I got hypnotized and became a clown for nearly 5 months. I didn’t know you could be this attracted to a voice, but okay. Unfortunately, my voice cannot compare and he did not get hypnotized in return. Wack.

The call wasn’t too bad. It’s cute looking back at it. I couldn’t believe a guy actually wanted to talk to me. That person texting me, was a real human being with a real voice. I was fucking wonderstruck over the fact that a good looking guy was talking to me so I was on cloud 9, Okay? lmao 

So the time difference between A and I is 6 hours right. Most of the time we’d start talking when it was evening in Belgium, so for A it was always in the afternoon. Only he could say good night to me, and I never could to him. This created a pretty big inbalance in the attachment levels imo.

In this chapter (the first 2 weeks) he would always ask me what I was doing. Like that’s not your business sis. I don’t wanna tell you that i’m a loser that’s not doing shit even though she has shit to do??? But apparently he always wanted to see if I was busy or not so he knew he wasn’t disturbing me and so that he could, you guessed it, call me. 

Everyday, we would text each other, and that was fine, until the dreaded question came. “Can I call you?” BITCH WHY DO YOU WANNA CALL SO BADGSJOGJOISGJI I SWEAR. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but there were just factors that made me not like calling very much. (nearing the end i definitely came to hate it)   

1. I don’t want my parents hear me call with a guy (I literally could’ve worn my earbuds I don’t know why I never thought of it... we stan a dumbass bitch)

2. Sometimes there was literally nothing to talk about because we’re foremost still strangers and it was awkward

3. The fact that I wanted to hide this from my parents, made me highly aware of how loud I was speaking and I couldn’t fully express myself, scared that my parents would barge in on me calling.

4. 90% of his jokes flew over my head, they weren’t that funny. I’m sorry, A. I’m funnier. And that’s just tea.

5. EVEN DURING THE CALL when there was nothing to talk about he’d be like “so what’s up wyd” bitch? calling you? I couldn’t concentrate on anything else everytime because I was a nervous wreck.

6. Even if I wanted to do school work, I would push that aside to call him because, I wanted to hear his voice. Ke$ha - Your Love is My Drug

7. BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE we would even call until 4AM TALKING ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING IT WAS SO AWKWARD WHY KILL MY CLOWN ASS. I RUINED MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE FOR THAT DONKEY

Our text conversations were honestly, more fun, because when we were calling, a bitch couldn’t think straight. Our calls were most of the time not that fun I don’t understand why he wanted to call everyday. 

Mind you, the shyer i get, the more monotone I get. So I would react very coldly and in a stiff manner during the calls just saying: “Yeah.”, “Sure.”, “Wow.”, “Ok.” BECAUSE I didn’t have time to think and didn’t know what to say 99% of the time. So a week after getting to know A, during the 64th silence in one of our calls, he says this:

“This is gonna sound really insecure but, do you even like talking to me?”

“Yea.” 

So romantic...... I’m swooning...... Pick me up......

Call ends. It’s almost time for me to sleep, but I’m still thinking about what he said right there, so I text: 

“Would a person really stay up until 4AM calling someone although they don’t like talking to them? Silly” JGOIJGOIDSGJOSIGJOS JUST SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT 

And then he said something along the lines of “I don’t know if you’re talking to me because you’re just bored, or there’s something more.Like tell me what you want from me, woman” like??? woman?????? SECOND RED FLAG DONT CALL ME WOMAN SHUT THE FUCK UP I HATED THAT SO MUCH 

So i was like “idk what do YOU want from me??” And he was like “well” and i was like “i’ll say it too u go first” (lmfao) and then he said

“Honestly I’d like to be romantic with you but, you know, there’s an atlantic ocean between us” and at that moment my heart dropped when I read this text because this might as well have been the smartest point A has ever made in the 4 months of talking to him. He’s right. This humongous distance has slaughtered any budding of any kind of relationship from the very beginning. 

Dude never liked me enough to actually want to initiate a meeting, I don’t blame him. The boy was bored and created an account on a dating app because his friends told him about it. I bet he wasn’t really planning to find an Asian European lover in his last year of high school. 

But who was naive/delusional enough to convince herself that MAYBE these two people who aren’t even that compatible in the first place, could maybe MEET someday and FALL IN LOVE??? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the word ‘romantic’ he probably means fuck, i mean do high school boys actually know what romance is uh. The biggest thing that could have developed in under a week is a small little crush. Anyways, i did not realize this properly and took his statement very seriously and thought “Wow a boy just said he likes me WoW, we will make this Love happen No Matter What” I was thrilled. 

Next morning I wake up, I’m a ball of sunshine. A guy 7876768 kilometers far away from me says he likes me. That is so meaningful. Wow.... 

While I was talking to A, I still matched with other dudes on that stupid app out of boredom, but never talked to them because in my maiden’s ♥heart♥ A was still nr. 1, because he just said he likes me WoW. So while messing around on that app, i keep noticing there’s a green dot next to A’s name, meaning he’s active on the app. And i’m like hmm..... ......................

Me, a nosey bitch, said somethign dumb like “oh you’re active on weird hours” and he just said

“yeah, left it open and let my friends mess around with it” 

.................................hmmmmmmmm investigation time even though it’s literally not my place and I am not entitled to any form of commitment at all 

Let’s talk about the biggest red flag of all red flags that I decided to ignore,

A’s instagram account. Let’s talk about it. 

His username does not include his name, there are NO pictures of him in his feed, only posts dank memes and likes his own posts and if you look at the people he’s following, you see something very interesting!

Half of it are instagram accounts of Asian girls... And most of them weren’t even like popular accounts like they were just really freaking random accounts most of the time, and other ones were girls he met on EastMeetEast.

Yup........ I looked at his moderate collection of Asian girls and thought. Wow this makes me uncomfortable, but he said he likes me, and I don’t think anyone else will ever like me so I should stick to him..... I guess!!!

The only redeeming factor of his instagram is that his profile picture is a kitten, I think her name was Eko or something. Don’t let him hurt you, kitty cat. 

So discovering this information, I felt hurt. He said he wants to get ‘romantic’ with me??? Why is he still collecting other Asian girls when clearly, we will fall in love someday? 

To confirm my already confirmed suspicions that he isn’t in love with me, I send my Indonesian best friend on a mission and let her create an account on EastMeetEast. I told her to try match with him. THEY MOTHAFUCKIN MATCHED I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHY I WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHAFUCKAR AT THE TIME. MIND YOU, I TOLD HIM MY BEST FRIEND IS INDONESIAN, AND HE SEES THAT AN INDONESIAN BELGIAN WANTS TO MATCH WITH HIM, WHEN 10 PEOPLE IN BELGIUM USE THIS APP. JGSIDOGJOSGJOISGJ MEN ARE SO STUPID

Notice the sudden spike of emotional instability and irrationality after he told me he liked me? It’s extremely important actually. At the time, I did not understand what I was going through emotionally. And I think if you’re just casually reading this, you might be wondering what was wrong with me too. Thank you for worrying about my wellbeing, you are a better person than A. 

So increasingly, I get more and more nervous concerning literally everything that is not pointing towards the direction that he is in fact in love with me, after one week. That’s 7 days, if you will. 

I myself was also questioning my sanity throughout this whole process, because I never thought I would go that far. I talked about other guys to see if he would get jealous. (I don’t really think he cared lmao), constantly checked his activity on instagram (he just likes dank memes about fucking girls or something, what a chad)

Week 2 chimes in, I can tell he still ‘likes’ me, talks about stuff that happens in his American high school life, boasts about literally anything possible to make himself look good, jokes around, some intellectual conversations here and there between a weirdo horny for Asian girls and the most hopeless romantic to have existed.

I was watching a very stupid Belgian reality show, reminiscent of ‘Jersey Shore’ or ‘Ex on the Beach’ that kind of stuff. And I touched on the topic that, men cheating on women is highly popularized in media, and i said that women probs cheat just as much but are better at hiding it,

and he said, “Ha, I would know about that” 

And I was like aw, I’m sorry. He talked about the fact that he had many failed relationships, most of the girls breaking up with him, if I remember correctly and eventually I got curious over the amount of partners he’s had in his 18 years of being alive, so I asked about it.

And he says “I don’t know, I don’t keep track of that stuff” 

??????????????????????????????????? ???????????,

My heart started racing at this point. I was like “What do you mean?” 

A says, “I just don’t count that stuff” And in my mind, my inexperienced maiden’s mind could not comprehend that you could be with so many people at such a young age that you lose track of the number? Actually, you know what, anyone with a healthy mind will find this hard to comprehend, i’m not the crazy one here in this case. Like I look at his instagram, and look at what he says and it doesn’t add up LMAO. Also he kind of fucking sucks at communicating how did he manage to cop that much pussy? 

I kept asking for a number and he just keeps saying “I don’t know. It shouldn’t really matter right? I don’t keep track of that stuff.” But I was just so fucking pressed like? WHAT????? HOW CAN YOU LET SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL THAT YOU CAN’T COUNT THEM. YOURE 18, IS THIS AMERICA????? IS THIS WHAT CHILDISH WAS RAPPING ABOUT?????? 

I was pissed because he just kept refusing to even give a rough estimate, I’m a capricorn we love em statistics (idk what i’m saying)

So I was angry and gave him short answers. Guess what he sends,

“Call?” 

I say, “No” 

Iconic.

But a few minutes later I give in??? I DON’T KNOW WHY???? LMAOO and we call but it was This Very Last Call that Killed Me

 The Call of Death

Call starts. I’m still pissed about the whole thing and he goes,

“So... what’s the beef with my romantic past?” 

And I say I just really wanted a number because I wanted to at least have an estimate to have something to grasp onto???? fuck so he’s still very irky about it, doesn’t wanna talk about it, MAYBE BECAUSE HE LIED???? BITCH?????

He says “idk maybe over 20″ ...........????? that’s a larger number than his own age and if you do the math he would have had his first serious girlfriend at 12 years old he would have to have had at least 3 to 4 girlfriends every year....??? is this Floridian culture? Is that normal?  Is he talking about anime girlfriends in dating sim games???? 

So this whole topic just upset me like no other, it confused me, I mean what the fuck is he talking about JGOIIJGOISDJGOSDJGOISJG

It got pretty quiet. When A suddenly says 

“You know, if you don’t want to talk to me, we don’t have to” 

“Hm. Maybe I don’t”

“Ok.”

The whole call goes dead fucking silent for like more than 10 minutes or something. I was just lying in my bed, scrolling on my phone, trying not to breathe, so the mic can’t catch any sound and I am internally dying. 

The silence felt like it lasted forever. I didn’t have the guts to end the call. But i said something dumb to break the silence because I couldn’t take it anymore. Idk what I said.

Not too long after breaking the silence, it was so fucking awkward i don’t even know what we were talking about. Clearly, I’m traumatized and my brain is protecting me from whatever happened that night, which I’m thankful for.  

So, not too long after breaking the silence, A says very abruptly, something along the lines of, “I’m home now, bye.” and ends the call. ?????????????

To add to the context, he would mostly go on walks during our calls, what a fit Chad. He really spent some evening walks, just calling me, climbing trees, stealing furniture, talking about literally nothing, that’s so iconic.........  

Anyways that felt absolutely terrible, and I knew I never wanted to do that again, fuck. 

I woke up the next morning feeling just as horrible, not exactly sure why but the previous night had upset me severely. Throughout this whole day I was questioning my sanity, the ‘relationship’ jodsigjosgj, and also wondering, who the fuck is this dude i’m talking to? 

Realizing how much each and every word and action affected me mentally, I felt that I was losing control.

My inner thoughts: This guy is a freaking weirdo. He said he likes me, but then does all these things I do not approve of. I started liking him without really getting to know him and now I face the consequences! We should stop talking for the sake of my own sanity!!!

I’ve been talking about A to two of my close friends, they both roasted him and said I need to leave him, since he’s making me feel miserable with these extreme highs and lows.

That day, I decided A and I should stop talking. This way, I won’t feel the way I feel anymore. Actually felt pretty conflicted, because at this point, I had already grown attached to A. He helped me fill my loneliness when I didn’t have any friends yet in my new major and despite all the red flags, I still wanted to see the good in him. I mean, he said he likes me??? Can’t let that pass!!!!!

I confronted A and asked if he was angry during our last call with the long silence and all. 

He says, “No, I was just joking around” 

????????????????? Idk how dense I really am? But that atmosphere felt heavy and both of us weren’t laughing so I don’t know where the hell he’s coming from LMFAO. But anyways, I tell him what happened last night really upset me for some reason and that maybe we should stop talking, because talking to him everyday had taken an emotional toll on me. 

A says, “Ok, if cutting me off is what you really want, then do so” 

A keeps typing, then stops, keeps typing, then stops. 

“Can you at least tell me what I did wrong, so that I know what to do next time when I land in a situation like this again?” 

I didn’t know what he did wrong either. He was just being himself, I guess. 

I say, “You didn’t do anything. I just don’t think talking to you is doing any good to me. It shouldn’t interfere this strongly with my daily life, but it is.”

He said he understands, and that we should part ways, if that’s what’s best for me. 

I say, “I wonder why I’m having a harder time saying goodbye than you are”

A says, “Believe me, it’s very hard for me too” 

Behind my screen, I started crying? How did I get so attached to somebody I barely knew? I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. 

I wanted to hold onto him for dear life. From the moment A said he liked me, my mind took off to fantasyland. I got so excited about this mutual liking, that my mind overlooked the realism of this whole situation. I was so attached to the idea of someone liking me and the embellishments of romantic love, that I completely malfunctioned when confronted with reality, when my expectations of a perfect love weren’t met. 

Because I didn’t want to let go of that concept of love, I didn’t want to let go of A. Who knows when the next person will like me? It took me 19 years to get my first one? Was my logic lmfao. fuck. 

I said, “Maybe I just need some time to sort myself out. We’ll talk again someday.” I could not let him go, not because I even liked him all that much, but because of the sheer reason that he said he liked me. 

A said, “Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. But please don’t cry.”

In this last conversation before the ‘break’, A was oddly enough very sweet to me, which felt horrible. This is the most vulnerable, genuine side I had ever seen of A in the 5 months of knowing him. I wanted to continue talking, but I already said we should stop talking so I was too ashamed to go back on my words GJOIDSJGOSIGJS

We wished each other the best of luck and said our goodbyes.

I said, “Talk to you later, one day”

“I know. Goodbye.” A said, thinking this was our last conversation, because he didn’t think I would actually hit him up a month later. Lol.

CHAPTER 2: ON HOLD

I still have never been in a relationship, but what I felt the next morning, is what I imagine what half of a break up must feel like. I felt empty and wanted to text him almost immediately. 

Yes, ya girl listened to sad songs and she was bawling her eyes out. Jeez. Give me a break. 

Lunchtime came around. I looked out the window as it was snowing. I wanted to take a picture and show him, since it doesn’t snow in Miami, fuck please what the fuck. BUT i couldn’t do any of that because I had already said we’re taking a break, wow. 

I start tearing up and my mom looks worried. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” The feeling of eating and crying at the same time is horrible. My mom doesn’t ask me anything further and I just keep sulking for the rest of the day. For the rest of the freaking month. 

Holding back the urge to talk to him that day was extremely difficult, but imagine how ridiculous I would have looked if sis gave up in less than a day, so that held me back LMAO. 

On some days A wasn’t even on my mind and I was living just fine. 

On some nights A was all I could think about. 

I kept thinking about when I should contact him. After my exams? That’s too long. That’s like 2 to 3 months, he’s over me by then! But if I talk to him before my exams, how will that affect my studies? The struggle was real. 

 I wanted this break to calm my feelings and for me to get back on my feet. That didn’t happen. I was still obsessed with the idea of what it must be like to be with someone. And for some odd fucking reason I thought I could make that a reality with A LMAOOOOOOO STOP

I thought, the longer I wait, the bigger the chance he’d no longer be interested in me. That thought was absolutely terrifying to me. I had to talk to him by the end of the month, or else I could not salvage This True Love.

CHAPTER 3: KIKI

We’re nearing the end guys, stay with me. It’s gonna be very anticlimactic, so stay tuned! 

So after a month of anguish and yearning I send him a text. I couldn’t even wait until I got home. I did it while i was on the bus with 4G, um calm down binch???

We start talking again, but for some reason things just felt different to me. I expected things to be different. I wanted to go back to the euphoric point of when we told each other we liked each other or back to him comforting me in our ‘last moments’ before I momentarily cut him off. 

The next day, and the day after, and the day after that, I kept waiting for A to text me first, but he never did. I had to text him first for 4 consecutive days. Is this a bad sign? Did he not like me anymore? He hadn’t even asked if he could call me, which I didn’t really want to do anyway, but at least it meant that he liked me, right? He’d always text back, though. And our conversations were moderately fun. So I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had to know what was going on in his mind. Does he still like me the way he used to?

These 3 months I was constantly very vulnerable, emotionally unstable and very very insecure, once again finding it hard to grasp what I was going through mentally. For tackling these problems, I always went for the approach of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, I really don’t know if this was the best tactic, but at least I got everything off my chest and didn’t hold anything in.

“Why haven’t you been texting me first?” 

“Honest to god, I’m just really busy lately. If you want to talk, just talk to me. If you’re bothered with anything, don’t deal with it by yourself. I’m here to listen.” A told me he was preparing for his finals. I once again made a clown of myself. 

But how busy was he really? He still liked his dumbass memes on instagram, continued following Asian girls, why couldn’t he make time for me? Didn’t he like me?  

It dawned on me that I wasn’t on his priority list. And it made sense. Seniors are pretty busy and need to worry about applying for college. Which senior in their right mind would be looking for love? Who was I in his world? Just a part of his collection of Asian girlfriends? Sure that’s kind of hurtful, but can we still make ♥~*LOVE*~♥ happen though? My delusional self thought, Yes!!!!!

As time progressed, I got more and more insecure and kept confronting him with my own problems, and A must’ve gotten more and more sick of my bullshit.

At times he’d text me first, but not make the effort to keep the conversation going at all. I always had to bring up something interesting to keep talking or else the convo would’ve just ended with him giving a one word reply like “lmao” 

He asked to call 2 more times, but I said no, feeling slightly traumatized from what the last call did to me lol. Also, I knew if I heard his voice again, that everything would affect me even more. So we never called.

“Can I call you?”

“Why? Do you miss my voice that much?” LMAOOO BYE WHO DO I THINK I AMMMMJSOIGJSOG

“No, I just need my hands to be free, I’m making homework, so calling seemed easier.”

I realized him wanting to call me, wasn’t necessarily because he liked me, it was mostly out of practicality, so that he could multitask and do something else.

 A was sometimes just flat out rude, and he honestly doesn’t care. He was a self-proclaimed Asshole (is that something to be proud of?) and said that he most of the time doesn’t care if he hurts people’s feelings. That’s scary. Why wouldn’t you care about being a good person? Lawful Evil.

Here are some other red flags that still didn’t stop me from backing away:

Racial slurs are a joke to him 

He really enjoys WWII jokes 

Is heavily annoyed by pride month

When I showed him pictures of my dog, he didn’t seem to care at all

He dislikes Ariana Grande 

Despite all these things, I was still attached to A. For what? He didn’t even like me romantically anymore at this point. What kind of rose goggles was I wearing? LOL. At this point i just wanted his attention.

I kept holding onto something that was never even there to begin with. The possibility of  ♥~*LOVE*~♥ ever happening. I failed to realize that everything was doomed from the beginning. I had been alone all my life and the moment I thought somebody could change that I Snapped Lmao. 

1. The distance. For real, who’s actually going to pay that much money to see someone you barely know and barely care for? 

2. A was never really out there looking for anything serious. He’s a high school senior for god’s sake.

3. My unrealistic fantasies of what should have been happening to achieve   ♥~*LOVE*~♥  constantly clashed with my reality. I was constantly busy fantasizing of what could have been that I failed to see things for what they were. I continuously tried to mold the situation into something it wasn’t.

If you think about it for more than 10 seconds and imagine a situation where we would actually meet, I would probably find the nearest cliff to jump off of. Exactly how much embarrassing cringy shit have I said to this man? 

In probably our last meaningful conversation I asked him what he thinks of me, after “knowing” me for around 4 months.

A says, “I think you’re cool, you just need a confidence booster”

He once again, called himself an Asshole and made the point that I actually have a great personality and am really funny and that I just need to realize it. At least he’s aware. I applaud him. He told me things I already knew, but it was still very thought provoking to think about my confidence because it is the root of many of my problems.

Our last conversations felt like I was beating a dead horse. I don’t think any of us care enough anymore. Our situation was dead from the beginning and that’s fine. I’m glad this story has finally come to an end. I wish A would realize being a good person is actually rewarding, but it’s his own choice to change his life for the better. I wish him the best, and I wish myself the best of luck too. He just graduated high school and might just enter a transitional phase like I did lol. Does everyone go through a rebirth in their first year of uni? Maybe it’s just me. Finally this can die. My soul feels a lot lighter. Like in Shugo Chara, how the X-egg becomes a normal egg again and says “Thank You”, that is literally how I feel right now. Wow.  

CHEESY EPILOGUE

This whole thing started because I felt extremely lonely and bored lol.

And that loneliness was amplified with my insecurities + inexperience of never having had any romance in my life? I always tend to blame myself, when really, inherently, there is nothing wrong with me. Things like a first kiss, a first lover or a first date all come at a different time for everyone. I just need to stop being impatient and glorifying my own concept of what  ♥~*LOVE*~♥  is and just enjoy my life for what it is as time flows. 

The thing about my self-esteem is, I am definitely aware of what a great person I am, but I still find it hard to see my worth? Like, I can see it, but I can’t grasp it? I think I tend to magnify and pick at my flaws so strongly that I can no longer believe in my own capabilites... It’s important to be kind to others but we forget that we should also be nice to ourselves.

If I want to make friends and get to know people, I will, and the right people will like me for who I am. 

I must realize that I am more than what I hate about myself and that I am in fact good enough. Validation from the outside world can be nice but it’s still Me who really needs to believe it. (dattebayo)

Human beings are so complicated and we need to take all the time we need to understand ourselves and understand why we feel the way we feel, why we think what we think.

If you have been reading up to this point, I would like to thank you for taking your time to read about my experience. Hopefully you learned something too! 

I love you :)