#hopefully now that I've realized I need to go back I won't be so stuck anymore

[a-strawberry-mouse]

A rambling update on the buttons.

First off. I realized that I had the amount of buttons that no one could possibly go through in their lifetime. I did the most obvious thing. I asked the people helping me sort if they'd like to fill a snack bag with buttons(with the caveat that I could say no because some of these I won't share). When I say they were thrilled, I mean it took 2 whole hours for them to decide. Sorting buttons,

"Oh, is this one okay?" "Can you pass me all the ones that look like these?"

It was lovely. The buttons belong there.

Back to the ones I'm keeping!

I love the concept of the binder of buttons with pages of sewing on buttons. I have encountered a, predictable in hindsight, problem.

So you pick a spot.

You put the button down and poke two holes with the sheet on cardboard(so you don't poke tiny holes in your nice table).

Then you sew the button on and tie the back.

This takes a minimum of two stations. The poking a hole station(on cardboard) and the sewing station. Because the buttons are different sizes; it's not feasible to punch many holes at a time. I might be able to take a picture of all the buttons set up, but it's been frustrating to set up that way so far.

So that's problem one, but that's when problem two occurred to me.

If I have pounds of buttons, then I'll have pounds of button binders.

So I'm thinking I do a different approach.

I may sort of braid the buttons onto strands or otherwise tie them together and keep those in sorted boxes. With a representative button on a cardstock page. Then the button can have a box letter and a button number.

It would be a fraction of the work and more logically sound.

I have had help sorting them. I have done things fully sorted into baggies and about 2/5 still left to sort. So I'll start with the most sorted of the buttons.

There are a lot of buttons that came off of button up shirts. I know because the bag had a note in a cassette about a specific shirt. And these look very similar.

I strung these on a long piece of spare floss.

And here is where I remembered that I wanted to put a single button on a page to mark what I had. I'm not taking these apart, but that's a solid whoops.

Into the box they go.

The box is from a box of small boxes I've kept and reused for various small box things. They originally had fossils in them. Then beads. Then knick knacks. Now buttons. I've reused the packing material carefully so it's still in nice condition. In case I ever need to ship my buttons I guess? I don't know, but having them safely packed is nice.

Moving on!

Right? Very nice and easy to use.

It's in box A and counting the button on the sheet, I have 5 buttons. Bare minimum, I'm doing this with the plainer buttons. I'm positive this is it. It does mean I'll need a binder and boxes, but this is more feasible.

I realized after doing a couple like this that I could stack the buttons and tie a bow on top with the floss I'd sent through the holes. This saved even more time.

Rinse and repeat

And there are now 12 buttons stored conveniently and labeled with box location plus total amount of buttons.

I hit the picture limit. I'll need to elaborate more later for that and so I can sleep.

As I find buttons that have no match, I'll be putting that into my button jar. I have found some matches already between the button bow and the button jar! This is extra exciting because some have been without a match a minimum of a decade in my hands.

I hope to be back at it today(I say at 5am). Yesterday had been mostly gardening related. +96 seedlings gently stuck into 96 cells. That just about caught me up on gardening for the next day or two! I should be clear to, hopefully, finish 12 more button types onto the paper

[imagineitdearies]

Hiiii my question is kinda long sorry 😅

So I started reading Perfect Slaughter like… five months ago?? And finished it back in I believe February.

I can’t stop thinking about that beautiful tale you wove, I think it is genuinely my favorite work of fiction I’ve ever read period.

And since then I have been wanting to bind a physical copy of it for myself (an idea I got from the epilogue notes haha) once it’s done being edited ^^

But! I realized if I download the story myself I’d need to do a whole lot of editing to make it functional for binding, and remembered that you said you’d be binding it for yourself as well.

I was wondering, once you are able to get around to making a binding-compatible pdf version of it, will you be considering putting it out for others to download as well?

(I’ve only done book binding once in my life and from what I know from that experience, each page has to be folded so the middle of each page has paper for the tread to hold onto when sewing the pages together, which I think means it would need to be printed with each piece of paper double sided and landscape orientation, with each side having two pages per sheet of paper? Hopefully that makes sense aaa)

Also just excited to see your book binding journey with this it’ll be fun! But I thought I’d ask since I am currently at a loss for how I’d go about editing 228k words in a bindable format xD

Hi there anon!

Thank you so much for this message--Perfect Slaughter was a labor of love that took me the better part of 9 months, so I am always super happy to hear that it's had an impact and stuck with you since you finished!!

Now that my first draft of Circle of Sixths, Part I is complete, editing Perfect Slaughter will be my next priority! (After I go outside more and maybe read a book again, lol.) I will post one more Astarion POV I've already written on the ao3 work in order to let everyone know once I've finished edits, so look out for that in coming weeks. Then I very much encourage you and anyone else still interested to format and bind it for yourselves, that's super cool that you've done it before!

As to your question, you're right that it's a huge task to edit 220k into a bindable format!! After I've done so and ensured it prints correctly, I plan to gift the file as well as a pretty epub to my Magnatus tier patrons in thanks for their support. Perfect Slaughter of course is a transformative work and I won't be advertising/trying to make money off of this, but since this is free for anyone to do of their own accord (and I hope you do!!) I'll be sharing my personal labor of love with specific supporters who don't want to themselves.

I will definitely post about my bookbinding journey with WIP pictures once I get into it! After editing the story itself I'll be moving in June, so the physical printing/binding part will happen after that when I'm settled in again 😊

[thebluestbluewords]

Teeth are overrated anyway

+

"Congrats." Mal says quietly. She does, in fact, know how to have some tact, sometimes. "Heard you made the team." 

Carlos rolls his head to the side so he can talk to something that's not the tightly curled space between his own knees. "I punched a kid so hard he threw up." he says softly. Like it's a confession. 

"And? I bet that fucker deserved it." 

"Not really."

In Mal’s expert opinion, they all deserve it. Every kid who shoulder checks them in the hall just because they're there, every girl who won't look at Evie while she crushes their test scores, everyone who comes to Mal when they want something and ices her out when they don't, they all deserve it. Every kid who's ever taken a sharpie to their doors to tell them how worthless they are, they deserve it tenfold, and if one of them took a punch to the gut while wearing practice armor, it's nothing compared to what Mal would do to them given half the chance. 

"I promise you, they really did," Mal says. "You punched one kid. I've punched how many now?" 

Carlos laughs. It's not funny.  "Fourteen." 

Right. Out of all the ways their families fucked them up, he got the obsessive kind of guilt tracking. Preventative evidence, because the adults who want them gone will totally listen to a timestamped, cross-referenced spreadsheet of all the times they've actually fucked up, instead of whatever imagined crimes they're actually going to get sent back over. The spreadsheet's very existence is incriminating, and it could be bad if it gets into the wrong hands, but anybody who's able to get into three layers of password-protected sub-folders deserves the hex they'll get for snooping, and will probably feel too guilty (hopefully) to use it properly against them anyway. It won’t matter. The adults who care about them won't be able to override the ones who fabricate crimes they didn't even do, and one spreadsheet, even with locked timestamps for every edit, won't do much against a royal word. 

Whatever. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. 

"Fourteen," Mal echoes back. "That's a lot fucking more than one, and I'm still here." 

His head makes a solid noise against the wood. "You're different. People like you." 

Mal can't stop the scornful noise she makes at that one, but she can pick her next words wisely. 

Tread carefully, fearless leader. There's no coming back from this one. 

"I think," she says slowly, inching her way closer. "That you are severely overestimating how much people like me, fleabrain." 

Carlos makes a soft noise. He's listening, which is score one for Mal. 

"I'm not some perfect princess who never does anything wrong. Obviously." Fourteen classmates with black eyes and bloody noses. Fourteen people who won't speak ill of her crew again.  "I just keep trying, and I guess the Auradonians here are too stupid to realize that we're a bunch of lost causes. Their mistake, right?" 

"Right," Carlos whispers. "They're the ones who keep making mistakes." 

Hm. It's the right energy, but maybe not quite the right words.

"We deserve better than their scraps," Mal says, low and serious and warming to her cause now. "We deserve at least as much as they give their own stupid children, and if their noble-born brats can keep fucking up over and over, then we deserve at least as many chances as they get. We deserve our place here, and if they haven't kicked me out after punching fourteen people. they're sure as shit not going to kick you out over punching one." 

"Right." 

Mal can feel the heat of Carlos's body next to hers now, so close they could be touching. "Of course I'm right. And besides, why would they let you on the team if they're going to kick you off right after? It'd be a drain on their time and resources, and they're not gonna waste energy on us if they don't need to. You're stuck on that team whether you like it or not, dumbass." 

Carlos laughs. It's not exactly a happy sound, but it's closer than before. "I didn't want to join. I fuckin' hate organized sports." 

"Ah, like how I didn't want to join the equestrian club, and Evie dragged me to the meeting under false premises and wouldn't let me leave without petting a horse?" 

"Like that," he agrees, and finally tips his head onto Mal's shoulder. "I didn't want to do the second round of tryouts, but they're down a man since Aza broke his ankle, so Coach called everyone on the backup rotation in for a test scrimmage." 

"Let me guess, some shithead tried to pull shit because you're tiny, and you rage slammed him into the fuckin' dust?" 

Mal can feel the warm gust of his sigh on her neck this time, and it feels like what home must be for other people. "Yup. Pretty much." 

Weird. 

“I thought coach was all about controlling your power," Mal says, thinking out loud from a half-remembered conversation she’d had with Jay a few nights ago. “Guess he's some sort of filthy hypocrite who only means that for the big guys, huh." 

Carlos shakes his head. His hair is a soft, static-y mess that sticks to her cheek from the friction. She's going to be pulling handfuls out of her mouth later, but it's fine for now.  "Nah. He wants people who aren't afraid of full contact. Apparently he's playing some sort of psych-out game with one of the other teams, and he's pretty sure I'm unassuming enough that they'll never see it coming." 

"So he wants you to punch more people?" Mal asks incredulously. She may be bad at teams, and organized sports, and anything that involves running for more than a few minutes at a time, but a school-sanctioned chance to punch people might be worth making a stink about starting a girl's team over. "Sounds like a fuckin' sweet deal to me." 

“I—“ Carlos starts. 

Somebody pounds on the closet door, and his mouth snaps shut so fast Mal can hear the click. 

"Hey, if you two are done having a heart-to-heart in there, some of us wanna get to dinner on time!" Jay calls through the door. "Toss me out some shoes if you're skipping and I'll tell Verne you're both sick." 

Mal shoves open the door without waiting, and is rewarded with a satisfying 'oof' as the handle hits Jay in the stomach. "We were almost done, dumbass. You can't wait five minutes for us to strategize the best way for me to get in on this school-sanctioned hitting people shit?" 

Jay grins down at her, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "Nope." he says brightly, popping the 'p'. "Dinner waits for no man, and I'm not missing out on bread just cause you two decided it was the right time to have a gossip sesh in my closet."

"Ow," Mal grumbles, unfolding herself from the floor. "Fuck you, who told you that gossip sesh was a word people actually use?" 

Jay steps back to let her out, still grinning infuriatingly. "Lonnie." 

Mal's going to sneak into that girl's room and dye all her clothes pink. 

No, she'd probably like that. Purple, then. An unflattering purple. One of those periwinkles that's so blue it doesn't deserve to share a name with the perfect purples that Mal herself wears. Perfect. 

"I'm going to make you both suffer," Mal informs him. "I'll dye all your clothes black." 

"Ooh, you think I'd look hot goth?" Jay shoots back, reaching past Mal to give Carlos a hand up. "Do your worst, killer. I already bribed your girlfriend. She said I'm her favorite model now." 

"You did not." 

"Did so." 

"Nobody bribed me with anything!" Evie calls from the boy's bathroom. "Jay's a better model than you because he knows how to hold still, M." 

"Nobody ever asks me to model," Carlos grumbles. Unlike Mal, he looks like he's comfortable standing upright, which is deeply unfair. "I'd be great at it." 

Evie sticks her head out of the bathroom. She's holding a hot curling wand to her hair, but her makeup is already on and impeccable for their teacher-student dinner tonight. "That's because you're already my favorite, baby. No matter how many people you've punched." 

Carlos flashes her a tiny, blink-and-you've-missed-it smile. It’s worth it. All the time in the world would be worth it to see that smile again. “Thanks, E." 

"Yeah, for nothing," Mal grumbles, twisting back and forth until her back pops. "What am I, moldy fish heads? I just spent half an hour twisted up in a closet, I want good girlfriend credit too." 

Evie laughs. "The fact that you call it girlfriend credit means you could never really stay in that closet, babe. You get all the girlfriend points." 

[your-queer-dad]

TW - some parental abuse

Hey dad

I just finished my first year of uni and asides from 2 exams I made it! But now it's summer break and... It's rough. I miss my friends. Visiting them is too expensive, and no job is willing to hire me because I have the capabilities of a teen for the salary of an adult. I'm currently waiting to hear back about my application for a government thing that should help though.

I just... I can't keep pretending to be happy at home. My parents are terrible. Earlier today my mom yelled at me in public over nothing and I literally could see a stranger go 😬 at it. But to move out I need an income.

Everything is relying on the government being willing to give me money and in my area that can take forever and they might be real strict. And even once I get money I still have to wait until there's room in the place I want to go to. It's student housing combined with assisted living, I'd love to go there. They say they can't help you become more independent, hopefully that means I won't have to go back to my parents anymore.

I just need to get out of here. It feels like I can't go on much longer, but I can't just escape. My parents don't realize what they do to me, how I feel about them. They're supportive on some stuff, they got me therapy in the past and they're helping with my transition (I started hormones almost two weeks ago!), but at the same time they're so horrible and it's unbearable. But I can't just leave without a word because I rely on them (for example they fully handle my insurance) and I don't even know where to start to fix that.

My mental health was improving lately but now that I'm stuck at home I feel pretty terrible again. I'm still continuing improving my life though. I've started taking a bit more care of myself, doing stuff like changing my bedsheets or doing my laundry more regularly, and I've been taking all my meds every day for 2 months now. It's just hard sometimes to feel good about it when I feel pressured to do more and do better.

It's gonna get better, right? I'll be okay eventually, I just gotta keep going. Surely it'll all work out?

Lex

Hey kiddo, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all that and that's your situation right now. That sounds really hard and stressful to deal with. You're completely right, if you hold on and keep going it will all work out- you just have to stick around to see it work.

- dad x

[mothwings-rosethorns]

Hi how's it going? it's been... *checks watch*.....a minute :''> wanted to just do a lil update for this blog as I realized I kinda just never said anything here lmao if you follow my other rp blog @redstainedglasses you'll likely have seen my posts regarding my inactivity for a multitude of reasons. Summed up I basically just had very little time for it the past few years and couldn't make it a true priority to run the blogs as I desired I am currently attempting to be at least a lil active with Vertebrae's blog again if you've been following her you may have noticed I've been posting a lot of stuff for her recently and while it has been super rewarding to write so much for her blog lately cause I get to finally start sharing the story I've been brewing for her I won't lie I'm also incredibly exhausted from tackling it and other tasks I have to do in my daily life like work, caring for my father, social life, etc I wanted to see if I could find a balance between keeping the blog active while still doing what needs doing and while I feel I'm still not quite there yet I'm hoping if I keep picking at Vertebrae's blog I can hopefully strike a balance?? I'm not holding my breath tho lol but gosh darn it I wanna try! I have silly lil stories I wanna throw out for folks to read and engage with and I mean I guess if it takes me another 3 years on and off I hope that's alright As for Vermin's blog this blog will remain on hiatus for a while longer I do have things I want to tackle with her and co but I wanna keep that private for the time being. Hopefully if I can sort myself out with Vertebrae's blog a bit better I can see about alternating between the two but for now I've made up my mind that Vermin's just gonna be a private story between me and some select friends. (and possibly twitch chat if I ramble about it on stream or something lmao) I will still be using this blog as a proxy for Vertebrae's blog tho! I could use my main blog but it feels just a bit weird to follow rp blogs and like rp posts with that blog in all honesty xD so if you see this blog liking your stuff or following you just pretend you see Vertebrae's blog instead lol ANYWAY long winded 1am rambling aside

thank you to those who've stuck around despite my constant dipping in and out I hope Vertebrae's blog suffices until I bring back the Mommy Moth and her slutty rose mantis coworker I will be turning off this blog's ask box while on hiatus but you can always find on me on my main blog rodent-blood or Vertebrae's blog redstainedglasses and you can IM me there or if we're mutuals I'd be happy to add ya on discord for easier chatting thanks for readin' and hope you all have a lovely evening

[literaticat]

This is so stupid, but a while back, this editor told my agent she was bringing my work to an acquisitions meeting. Then she went silent. Nudges revealed she was busy or OOO or just not responding. It’s been almost two years, and we considered it a pass a long time ago, but for some reason, I’m just STUCK on it. I think it’s because I also received an R&R that then led to a pass, and that book was really personal to me. How do I move on? I know I have to. We’re subbing other projects now, but I’m still stuck on it mentally.

I mean probably you should unpack this with a licensed therapist, not me, but hey, until you get there, I guess I can weigh in:

She ghosted you, and beyond your agent presumably nudging / trying to get hold of her, there's not really anything you can do about it. Frustrating and upsetting, I know. So I googled "getting over getting ghosted" and this article came up. I don't know the author or if they are generally good or what, BUT, this is pretty good advice I think, though it's about relationships I've summarized and bookified it below, or you can read the whole spiel at the link.

Realize that no response IS a response. (It's a sucky and disappointing response! But it's still a response.)

Reframe the ghosting: Try not to take it personally. (This truly is them being avoidant or dealing with some kind of crisis badly or whatever -- it's NOT ABOUT YOU or your book! And by the way... perhaps you dodged a bullet, actually, and you should be THANKING them in your head. They showed you a taste of what working with them might have been like!)

Avoid the temptation to generalize future [bookish] outcomes. (Just because this happened doesn't mean the next book won't sell or even that that book will never sell -- if you're passionate about it, then let it rest for awhile and then consider tackling a revision and starting from scratch with that one. Or, maybe you will return to it and realize, actually, your new work is even better. Who knows?)

Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal. (Sure, why not? Don't be hard on yourself anyway - YOU didn't do anything wrong!)

Find people who love and accept you -- and/or, your book. (Your agent, your critique partners and friends, the wonderful new editors you are submitting to... Also, potentially, a therapist!)

Set boundaries. (You know this person is probably going to do this again when push comes to shove -- so maybe DON'T submit to them in the future or spend more mental energy on them. You are letting them live rent-free in your head and you need PAYING tenants in there!)

Understand emotional immaturity. (Hopefully, you have empathy and perspective, and you are an emotionally healthy adult who is a good communicator and knows how to have hard convos. You probably would never ghost. It's a shame that not everyone else is that way. Hopefully, this phantom is on their own growth journey and will be better in the future, but that's not up to you.)

MOVE ON. (Which is what you are doing now! Kudos!)

Good luck out there!

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

ANALYSIS #3: 03/09/24

A new critter has entered the ring, a very goober-ish one indeed. Yours was a bit tricky to pinpoint, especially with my unfamiliarity of the characters you've chosen, but I think I've done a decent enough job for now. Hopefully you're able to find something that resonates.

What were those characters you picked anyways?

Ahh, you're a very eccentric little fellow, aren't you? You seem quite fun, but the fun ones are always the most concerning. Why don't we try looking at your background first?

"LORE":

Loneliness is a feeling you know all too well. You've been backstabbed, abandoned, forgotten. Almost everything associated with the idea of being alone is something you're able to understand. Though, you're weird in a sense. You have friends, you're able to make conversations with people, but it never seems to last, does it? You're always the second option. The temporary friend. A tutorial guide, even. Left to built paths for others but never being given your own. You yearn to have the lasting relationships that come so naturally for others. All you really want is to be seen. By anybody. Somebody. Just one person would be enough.

And by gods, what in the seven hells is going on with your parents.

I might not have much proof for this one (other than Scaramouche, I suppose), but I have a specific feeling that one of your parents has abandoned you, either literally or mentally, and the other simply can't take care of you properly because of all the slack they're picking up from the other. They both either can't or don't pay attention to you. They never seem to fully support you or understand your needs. They're usually too consumed with their own lives or their own problems to recognize yours. Either that, or they attempt to but are too unstable to really give you what you what you need. They compare you to others. They expect you to follow in their footsteps but they don't even tell you how you're supposed to do that, let alone consider if that's something you want. You're left in the dust and then expected to find your way back home alone, but the truth is that you don't even know what home is. Home is where the heart is, but your heart has been kicked around so many times it can't tell left from right anymore. You just wanna know what home feels like. Why is home so much to ask for?

People tend to push you to the side. Most likely because you don't think the way they think. You're not the most logical person in a room, or at least not in the way people expect you to be. You're more experienced in emotions, feelings, and desires, not economics. You do have many skills, but you're never given the opportunity to prove yourself. These skills would be great in the real world, but the real world doesn't see the value in them without proof, which is the same proof they're preventing you from having. They even have the audacity to judge you for not having said proof. That's why you stay on the outskirts of life. You sit cheering on the sidelines while desperately hoping that one day you'll be able to join their games. That one day they'll realize you do deserve to be on the big screen. You swear you do. Why won't they let you play? Why don't you deserve that attention? What are you doing wrong? It consumes you.

I am afraid I can't do much to mend the empty tears in your heart, but I can try to identify the main ailments. Let's see what really keeps your mind pacing.

THE TRUTH:

You don't entirely feel human. You love people, you love making connections, but it's like there's something wrong with you. Like God cursed you to be indefinitely incompatible with the world. You try to embrace your differences. Confidence is always key, isn't it? It has to be. Because if it isn't, you won't have anything. Because if it isn't, all you will be left with is the intrusive fact that you will always be disconnected from the people you long to be next to. You know it, we both do. You're stuck in a loop of your own isolation and it is driving you mad by the second.

Despite being so in tune with your feelings, you have a lot of trouble verbalizing those emotions. You tend to have trouble knowing yourself in general, which is ironic considering how you're also unapologetically yourself. It's a weird mix to have, and it's confusing to even yourself. This confusion bleeds out into the rest of your daily life. You might accidentally make promises you can't keep. You're probably not the best at planning because of it. You also might need a lot of personal space to figure out your own thoughts. It's all just so confusing. You wish things wouldn't be so frustrating anymore.

What makes this worse is that you're actively ignoring the problems that you can recognize. It is inarguably evident. I can't blame you really, since ignoring them is all you're really able to do with what you've been given in life, but at some point you will need to confront them. You can only stay in a house engulfed in flames for so long. One day you will lose control, and all that will be left is an empty rage. And that's assuming you aren't already burning as we speak.

I'm afraid I can't even think of much more to add. The world has drowned you and in retaliation you are flaming. It hurts you, but you will do anything to make sure it hurts the world more, to make sure it feels the exact same pain it's given you. There's not much to add to such a self-explanatory tragedy.

I don't have a solution to aid something like this, but maybe showing you your own best traits would help restore your faith in humanity, even if it's only for a second. 

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You see the beauty in things that go overlooked by most. You have a genuine appreciation for the smallest things in life, and you want to do what you can to keep those things at their best. Not everybody is willing to take the time to notice these kinds of details, and then to make sure those details stay noticed and remembered? That's the kind of "Tender Loving Care" that can only be given through people like you. It's an important value, and you should make sure you remember that as well.

You bring out the best in people by being yourself. You help people let loose, and frankly everybody needs a little more of that in their lives. You're smart though. You know when to take a step back, you know your boundaries and stop when needed. You're empathetic and observant, and it makes you one of the greatest protectors anybody could have. People should be honored to have you on their side, because you'd go as far as you could to make sure the people you truly care about aren't left behind like you were.

Despite all the shit you've been put through, you do love the world. You want to live. You want to have fun. You want time know people. You're adventurous, you live in the moment, and you'll be damned if you don't try to make all your suffering worth it. Your passion shows throughout every aspect of you. Do not let go of that. It is what keeps you fighting and the world needs more fighters, especially in this decade. Just make sure you don't die a martyr. As honorable as it is, we cannot lose the few warriors we have. And you are one of the most priceless and irreplaceable warriors we have. Do not let the world take that away from you.

Also you'd be an awesome rockstar B}

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[sl33py-g4m3r]

excited to be using linux on my big screen computer~~

a cool thing I've noticed is that linux I think takes up significantly less space than windows ever did. and I'm just running the cinnamon desktop~~!!

out of the 256 gb of space on the initial OS drive, I've got 217 gb left. windows I forgot how much it left me with tho...

Linux mint is nice so far~~ especially the second hard drive being password protected to mount; rather than being accessible to anyone using the computer.

installed vlc as a media player and now idk what other applications I'd need.

or if I even have enough space currently to try to get steam games working. as the terabyte hard drive is cluttered with anime and music I've saved. and where all of my data is stored separate from the os.

one thing I lost tho that I had forgotten about was my progress in cookie clicker, as I was playing through that, and i don't remember when my last backup was or how much I've lost. By the time I realized I hadn't backed it up, the install was already in progress and it was far too late.

I like cinnamon so far~~ the keyboard shortcuts to reveal all the different desktops,, even found zoom features that are really useful. I thought you had to pinch or push your fingers apart while pushing the hotkey toggle like you do on iphones to zoom in on pictures and stuff, but no. just slide your fingers from the top of the touchpad to the bottom to zoom in, and reverse to go back to small.

I never used zoom on windows; much to my detriment, lol. bad vision is bad. I'm saying it again even tho it might not be relevant here, I'm legally blind. left eye bad vision, right eye none whatsoever. I never liked on board zoom on windows and i'm not sure why... this is nice.

I'm still excited cause I've always wanted to run linux on my big screened gaming pc, but it would never boot. come to find out I was installing grub in the wrong place... needed it on dev/sda1 instead of dev/sda itself. I guess because 1 is the first part of the disk?

hopefully much less spywarey than windows~~ and more secure. I've always assumed that linux/unix/bsd were more secure than windows in general.

funny enough when I first found these types of operating systems as a teenager a long time ago, I jumped into the deep end and immediately tried FreeBSD first. then backed off and stuck with fedora, opensuse for a bit, then to the more user friendly stuff like ubuntu, and linux mint. then many years later I stopped liking what whomever makes ubuntu was doing, and switched to mint, but they still used ubuntu's base, so now I use debian based stuff.

there's my entire fore into linux from being a teenager to now, lol. also very fanboyish high school report on how linux/unix was better than windows. before I even started using linux proper. ahhhh the cringe.

sucks a bunch of corporate stuff doesn't work with linux; cause I'm always seeing like the eye doctors operating systems being windows, and I'm always like "why don't you use linux?" the reason is they want their technology and stuff to work. like it won't on linux?

positive experience and a positive rant~~~ still going to tag it as rant anyway tho~~

[chericherixo]

She's Yours, You're Mine part five [h/c]

Draco x Fem!Reader

Draco is arranged to marry Astoria, but all he's ever wanted is you.

Words: 1,459 Contains: hurt/comfort, calm before the storm per say, angst, confrontation of cheating

Notes: all characters are 18+, reader's house is not specified.

:4

You and Draco continued to meet up everyday, sneaking kisses in between classes and catching up over late nights.

One day, Astoria was walking Draco back to their common room when he saw you down the hall. "Actually, I should really be studying. I'll see you later, yeah?"

"oh, but we were going to watch a movie." Astoria said with a snarky tone,

"I know- but maybe later? I'm really stressed with the potions exam."

"Whatever." Astoria turned and walked off towards the common room. And Draco rushed over to you.

"Oh- hey." You smiled and he quickly kissed you,

"I've been stuck with her all day and she's been stressing me out." You laughed against his lips.

"I'm sorry- but hopefully I can help with that.." He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer for a deeper kiss. "I'm so glad you're here."

"What the fuck." Both of you snapped your heads in the direction of the voice. Astoria was standing there, going through all the emotions at once. "Draco who the fuck is this- wait, Y/l/n? Seriously? The fucking mudblood filth-"

"Don't say that Astoria, you don't know anything about her." Draco said as calmly as he could.

"Oh come on Draco, you can't be serious. Don't pretend like you'll keep her around. You'll move and fuck someone else because that's just the way you are." He clenched his jaw at this and stepped toward her,

"And you expect me to genuinely want to be in a relationship with you when you act like this. You're so fucking clingy- I never get my own space. It's like you're a spy for my parents, telling them every little thing so they'll like you more. They never will, Astoria, you're just a way for my family to gain more wealth and you've never meant anything to me or my family. I tried to love you, I really did, but then I realized there was no point in trying to please someone like you-"

"You don't mean that." She looked genuinely hurt and started to back away; Draco only raised his eyebrows at her. "Fuck you. The whole school will know about this. You and your filthy blood-traitor."

"Astoria don't-" Before he could say anything further, she apparated somewhere else.

"Fuck.. this is really bad. Like horrible, my dad will fucking kill you." He starts panicking. "And he'll get away with it, he'll tell the ministry it was an accident-"

"Draco, calm down, it'll be okay, I'll be fine."

"No- no you won't, he's done this before- shit. I'm so sorry." He pulls you in for a hug, squeezing you as tight as he could. With how worried he was, you started to fear for yourself. 'He's done this before?' You thought.

"I'm staying with you, until I can talk to him, you're not leaving my sight."

"But Draco-"

"No, please. I have to stay with you. I can't lose you- I need you in my life. Please. Everything is so cold without you." You sunk into his arms and let him hold onto you.

"Okay.. we'll stay in my dorm. My roommate can share with someone else."

"Thank you-"

------------

The two of you snuck to your room and you knocked lightly. "Lydia? Are you alone?"

"Yea," You opened the door and Draco followed you in. "Malfoy? What is he doing here?"

"I can't really explain right now but, do you think you could stay with your boyfriend for a night or two?"

She gave you a suggestive look, "Oh I see how it is, but he has roommates, you know? That's why we always come here."

"Please- I'll really owe you but you can't stay here."

She raised her hands in defense, "Okay, okay, let me just grab some of my things." She grabbed a bag and started to pack up her overnight stuff and you pulled Draco over to the bed.

"We'll be okay, I promise." You cupped his face in your hands, "As long as we're together." You whispered,

"I never should've gotten you involved, I'm so sorry-"

"Okay, bye guys, have fun." Your roommate waved and left the room. You turned back to Draco who looked like he was on the verge of breaking down.

"Draco it's really okay, I don't regret anything-"

"No, I'm serious y/n, I should've been more careful, do you know just how many people my family has killed and kept quiet? I'm fucking terrified for anyone I talk to that isn't a pureblood or- friends of the family. This is just an excuse for them to kill another mudblood- sorry, half-blood." Draco looked down shamefully and worriedly, truly conflicted over what might happen to you.

You stayed silent until your shame got the best of you. "Did you- did you really mean what you said to her? I mean- it was kind of harsh.."

"What? Oh. I know I was a little fed up with her but.. I don't know, she's just always so overbearing-"

"Draco. Did you mean what you said to her." You repeated, carefully.

"Yea, I guess I did." You sighed, "But- I'm not like what she said, I promise. I would never do that to you-"

"Okay, I believe you." You didn't want to discuss it further, but the uneasy feeling still lingered. "Can we just go to sleep for now?"

Draco felt horrible, hating the feeling that you'd think he was like that. He nodded and let you get settled in your bed. He felt a pang in his heart when you laid with your back facing him, not even waiting for him to lay down with you. He knew he had to talk to you more, but for now, he wanted to let you sleep before you two were inevitably confronted by his father. And the thought terrified him.

---------------

You woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. You couldn't place what would've brought this on except for the overwhelming uneasy feeling that filled your stomach. You sat up and turned to find Draco asleep against the headboard. Almost like he wasn't intending to fall asleep in the first place.

Looking at him so peacefully, you thought back to the night before and what he had said to Astoria. His words were so harsh and you could tell they really hit her. But at the same time, you had to think how lonely and cold he'd said he felt before you. You couldn't imagine what he must have felt when his relationship with you was compromised, how scared he must have felt.

You shifted up to him and wrapped your arms around him, resting your head on his chest. You swore you could hear his heartbeat steady the moment you cuddled up to him, like he was waiting to feel safe again.

He stirred and his eyes fluttered open. "Y/n- Are you okay? Did anything happen?" He seemed alarmingly concerned all of a sudden.

"I'm fine, I'm here and safe."

He sighed in relief, "I'm sorry for how I acted yesterday, that was so uncalled for and I just couldn't let her talk to you like that- And I was terrified that something would happen overnight, that you wouldn't be here that I swore I was going to stay awake and I guess I fell asleep.."

You smiled, "I'm ok. You stayed up?"

"Well- yea.. I just wanted to watch over you I guess, I don't know.."

"Thank you." You kissed him, and it seemed to melt his stress away.

"But you're still not safe, I- I don't want to leave you until I know it's okay.. please?" You looked away for a moment, contemplating how much danger you were actually in, though with Draco's warnings, it didn't look great.

"Okay."

"Yea?" He looked hopeful, at least at the chance to protect should anything happen. "I'll owl my father today, though I hope Astoria hasn't already."

"Maybe you could talk to her first?"

"I doubt I could get through to her. She- she loves me, and seeing me with you really hurt her I'm sure. I've always tried to get to know her, genuinely, but she's always been to toxic for me, I feel like I could never trust her. And yet I'm expected to have and raise children with her... I just don't think anything I could say to her would help the situation much. She'd- do anything to have me to herself."

A moment of silence, "That makes you sound a bit full of yourself."

He held back a smile, "Yea well, I am the Draco Malfoy after all."

You giggled and he held you impossibly tighter, wanting this moment to last forever.

Though nothing lasts forever.

------------

:6 (coming soon)

[astral-athame]

((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

[prettyprincessplace]

that was meant to be such a soft message and then you mentioned ovulating, your tits being more sensitive and the whimpering and all went out the window. think i've been wet ever since, princess. might just have to make the most of the occasion now :) remember when i called you pathetically pretty? think that's exactly how you looked riding that pillow for me, and all i can think of is watching you do that, simply standing there as you're grinding the pillow. if you can think you can do it yourself, i'll let you give it a try. you'll look gorgeous when you're begging me to finish it for you today's been such a long day, so i think this might be the only message for tonight as there's an early start again in the morning, but i miss you. don't know if i'd need to hold you and fall asleep on your chest or get rid of all the work stress by taking it out on you, my pretty girl. maybe both. just wanted to talk to you a lil bit, make sure you know i won't be disappearing on you and that i'm still very much thinking about you 🌹

Hehe sorry!! I really tried to keep it soft and sweet! But that's just the truth right now, they're very sensitive :( it would take the lightest of touches to make me whimper. But if it made you wet then I might as well elaborate since I don't need to try to keep the soft vibes anymore (although I do love the soft vibes so I hope you know I don't mean to turn everything sexual because I do love these cute non sexual thoughts too and value you for more than just sexual stuff). I am just so needy and wet, I woke up soaked and wishing you were here to help fix the aching I felt between my legs from the moment I opened my eyes. I feel so empty, I need you to come fill me up. I need to feel you so deep inside me and have you calm the desire that's been the only thing I could focus on all day 😭

Aaaa mommy thank you 🥰 I bet I did look very pathetic grinding on the pillow, hopelessly trying to get off but never being able to get enough stimulation to fully get there. Moaning and begging and calling out for you while I'm completely alone. "Please, please, please" falling from my lips with no one to hear it. A pretty, pathetic little slut -- your pretty, pathetic little slut ❤️ Having you here watching me would make me feel extra pathetic and dirty. Feeling your eyes on me while I behave like such an insatiable slut, it would have me blushing so hard and acting shy but also turning me on even more knowing you're watching me. You'd tell me to look at you while i keep grinding on my pillow and that would make me soak the pillow. I get too turned on to even be shy anymore and I start putting on a show for you, making sure I'm letting out every whimper and moan, rolling my hips and arching my back. Trying to get you as worked up from watching me as possible. After a while, I realize I can't get off on my own from humping the pillow, no matter how hard I try. So I start begging you to help me. "Mommy I need you so bad, I'm so wet and only you can make me cum how I need to. Only you can make me feel so good like that. You know exactly what I need mommy. Pretty please help me 🥺"

Don't worry, I've been super busy today anyways with preparing for my mom to get here and then going to get her parking passes for my building and getting dinner with her. Sorry it took me so long to answer (although hopefully you've just been sleeping this whole time). I miss you too mommy. Even when I was busy today I was still just thinking about you the whole time. Your sweet message about cuddles this morning really just stuck in my brain. I think both sounds great. Come use me to get out all your frustrations and work stress. I'm here for you to take it out on, your little stress toy hehe. And then afterwards you can hold me close and fall asleep on my chest while I comfort you from all the stresses of your day. I really do wish I could be there to help you feel better no matter what you need or which way you need me to help.

Thank you mommy for still coming here tired after work and sending me a message and letting me know why you're gone. I really appreciate it 💞 I'm glad you're not disappearing on me and I'm even more glad I'm still on your mind while you're away! I hope if I don't get a chance to talk to you before, that tomorrow is not too stressful or hard on you. Sending you so many kisses to help you get through your day ❤️

[simplylemonboii]

Could still use some real good cuddles and kisses

Honestly a semi-heavy takeout sesh would be absolutely wonderous right about now

I'll survive without it but I know it would also give me the energy to keep going. I will without it, but it would most definitely help bring me up and keep me up for a good while during these uncertain times

Skylar has definitely left my heart. I communicated as any partner, poly or not should. Nothing changed

I know they've also got alot going on but I no longer feel the love. They say they miss me but it feels empty

They've got Trenton and even after the divorce they'll still have their husband

I am not needed. I'll keep to myself. I don't have time to entertain those who can't reciprocate the same energy for me

We will be just friends on a platonic level from now on. Im sure Skylar will reach out after their Vegas trip and I'll continue to be a good best friend for them, but my heart cannot take anymore. Friend ship is completely safe. I'm sure they may be in love with me as they said. They feel that uncertainty about Trenton, Weston, Pi, and another or so as well

I won't allow myself to be a part of that struggle for them though. I can be a best friend like Beck is, anything more isn't good for either of us

Maybe it'll change in the future but for now it cannot be

I know they've pulled away when they realized I was and that's perfectly okay

Hopefully one day we can have a conversation about it all that won't make them feel like a bad person

Until then, I'll put the boundaries up silently as I have with Trenton and many others

Everything will be okay, I've got Princess Olivia as a best friend and roommate

She is always around so long as I am living with her. She is sweet, kind, caring, and receptive when we have conversations about issues or concerns

She is wonderful. Our relationship may not be as sexually fulfilling as I need but I am completely fine with that. It's best that I am stuck taking care of that myself

The cuddles, laughs, quality time and genuine care/consideration/love she shows for me is better than any sexual relationship I could have

It makes me feel good when she tells me "Don't leave me" and shows that she is genuinely appreciative of my presence in her life. I couldn't ask for more

Regarding Skylar and most everyone else though, work needs to be done for sure. I cannot determine whether cutting them off entirely would be more beneficial for me or not and that's why I can safely take a step or two back.

When they wanna show more effort and strengthen those relationships I will not work against them but I am far too exhausted now to be the only one working on them. I can no longer be the one to initiate that process

I need a break. For now, people can reach out to me

That's what is best. I am satisfied with this

I am content

[fucknuggetmaguire]

rant/vent ahead

I've been out of high school for a few months now I realize that I'm barely into adulthood at all but I genuinely feel like I'm failing at adulthood already. I work basically full time lately which I'm fine with, that doesn't bother me, but I dont really make that much money. I still live with my mom which again is fine it doesn't really bother me, my boyfriend lives with us too which is super awesome. but it would be nice if my boyfriend and I had our own place. we can't really move out, though, because my boyfriend is starting full time post secondary in january and I don't make enough money to fully support us. that's another thing is that my boyfriend has an idea and drive for what he wants to do with his life (which is what he's going to school for) and I just don't. i have no idea what to do with my life or what kind of career to go into. and I know that I'm still really young and I don't need to have a plan but I'm so terrified of getting stuck.

I'm so fucking scared that I'm never going to be able to get a job that pays higher than barely above minimum wage because I would need some kind of higher education for that or job experience I can't fucking get. and I'm terrified that when my boyfriend and I do move out we are gonna struggle really bad because we won't be making a lot of money (his career is high paying but it takes some time to get a good start, kind of free lancing/taking odd jobs for the first while). I don't want to be stuck at a low paying job that is not sustainable long term but I just have no idea how I can possibly get out of it.

and then there's also the fact that I want to get top surgery hopefully in the next few years. and that shit is not cheap. I'm wanting to go to a clinic that is not in my area and I think I might be able to get coverage for surgery costs but no travel or accommodations. I'm also not even sure if I'll be able to get surgery coverage cause of course the government is not clear about what they'll help with. and then when I do eventually get top surgery I'll need to be off work for like 6 weeks MINIMUM. if I still work my current job then I'll probably have to wait even longer because it requires some lifting and a lot of movement in the arms and torso that would not be healthy during early recovery. and then I'd have to worry about how on earth I'm going to afford to be out of work for so long because I can get medical unemployment benefits since the surgery is considered "elective" and who knows if I'll be working at a job with paid time off.

I feel so fucking scared about where my life is going just because I don't know where it's going. and the place I live is starting to get more and more unfriendly to trans/queer people so there's also this creeping fear in the back of my mind that says "what happens if you run out of time? what happens if the government stops providing coverage for surgeries? what is going to happen to you if you are forced to 100% cover all costs and expenses of your transition? will you be able to take that?" and that's a really fucking scary thing to think about

anyway, I constantly feel like I'm failing at life and like my entire life from now on is doomed to crash and burn. so that's super fun

[lizzieblabbers]

wake me up when september ends . . .

this late is post this post is late (so sabaw) because someone forgot to wake me up,,,

KIDDING

hallo, people of the tumblrland ;)

remember when i said in the previous post that i was in the province again? yes, ya girl came back <3

i always say to my friends (or whoever may be there to listen to my nonstop blabbering) that i feel like im a plant--na it is hard for me to adjust once i've developed my roots somewhere. i can't really explain it right now but you get the point (hopefully). and this one's particularly a huge thing because it's my first time travelling without any adult (as if im not an adult myself) supervision :D

the ride there was fun and exciting, i was relaxed the whole time and the travel time was shorter than i've expected, so i was estastic when we arrived hehe

i stayed there for twenty-one days, and i really cant put into words how relaxed i was there. well, there were some instances when the world has required too much of me. but i would very much like not to focus on those because it would just obscure how happy i was with this vacation.

looking back now, i think that in a way, it has changed something within me. i don't know, but know i feel less dependent towards other people (especially my parents; everyone knows im a big babie) and i think it's an achievement because hello??? i think i was still stuck to the seventeen year old me who's supposed to be enjoying her last year free of real-world responsibilities. the pandemic robbed me three years of my life that was intended for me to explore and slowly make my way towards adulthood.

so, yeah. that's a little realization from me.

im not really by myself there, my aunt (whom i call mommy because she's literally one of the mother-like figures i have in my life) is there and her family, i also have the father's side of relatives. i have a lot of people there taking care of me. but there's this certain feeling of independence--that i need to look after myself because no one will do it for me.

i don't know if any of these would make sense because while i am writing this, my lids are slowly becoming droopy, like it was begging for a 15-minute nap.

anyway, i won't really dwell much on my province journey because i promise (PROMISE) will write a separate post, maybe within the week? but i will

the ride back was the most heart-wrenching for me. i was crying for the first thirty minutes (or more, idk anymore) of the ride because i was so sad that i had to leave the little life i had there for twenty-one days. some may say im overreacting, but its twenty-one days!!! i have learned in high school from my mapeh teacher (hi mam cess) that it takes a person twenty-one days to be accustomed to a habit to the point that beyond that, they would already do it unconsciously.

imagine my horror when i was only given a day of rest after a fourteen-hour bus ride before i was forced to be an adult and do errands for the rest of the week?????? like???

anyway though, i pushed through, and now its the fifth day of october and school has started :( vacation is over, but the longing is still here

i guess this is longer than i have expected,,, maybe because i have missed writing in freestyle form :D and also because i think i have a lot to say at the moment as i am avoiding a certain academic task that requires me to think

all in all, september was a happy one. its a huge thing for me to call it happy because ive never felt that happy the whole month. i feel like the universe really gave me my well-deserved break from the world and let me realize things on my own.

i think that's all? i'll blabber more on my vacation post which, hopefully, would be really up this week hehe

babye, world! i'm going back to hiding :D

[atlantic-riona]

some thoughts below that may potentially contain spoilers for The Raven’s Return, but I just need to write them out for clarity’s sake

I’m starting to think that maybe I’m stuck on the next chapter of The Raven’s Return because I need to do some major rewrites and worldbuilding. When I first started writing the story as it is now (the third version I think?), I envisioned it as a murder mystery set in a fantasy world, but over time I’ve been moving away from the murder mystery and focusing on other storylines. There’s still a murder, but it’s no longer as important to the story as it used to be. I also really really really hate the timing of the first five chapters--the time constraints and distance between the characters annoy me, because I’ve established that realistically it would take the nin Roys about three days walking to get from their village to the city, which means that either I have to do time jumps in between different characters’ chapters (which I really don’t want to do because as a reader I would find that incredibly confusing if done multiple times in a row--once or twice is fine, but not every other chapter), or the flow of the story is odd, because I’d have to stick with Cait and Lucan’s perspective for several chapters when the story needs to see what Bran and the others are up to.

I don’t think I need to do a total rewrite and scrap everything, as I quite like the majority of the chapters in terms of content. The only chapter I don’t like is Chapter One, because it feels very disjointed to me. That’s probably because I wrote the first part of it (the bit with Ferhon) for a writing class a year ago, when I had a very different plan for the story, and then added other scenes as I needed to.

I’d like to do some sort of outline for the story, but there’s a couple problems with that. First, whenever I outline something in great detail, I almost...lose interest in it? Like my brain thinks that because I outlined something I don’t need to actually flesh it out. It’s weird. Second, if I outline something very briefly, it...doesn’t work. I always end up doing something radically different by like the second bullet point, so the rest of the outline is kind of useless.

But I feel like I need an outline!! I need something to write towards. I used to have an ending in mind, but my plans have changed so much I don’t really think that ending works anymore.

In terms of worldbuilding I think I might need to elaborate on the history of the Valaviri and Falians more, because that keeps cropping up. Also I need to establish the more physical aspects of the culture (clothing, buildings, etc.) much more. And I haven’t been able to decide how literate either population is or what languages they speak. I was toying with having the Falians speak both Falian and Valaviri, but I’m not sure how or if that would work. For the languages themselves, I’m torn between just using Latin and Irish (at least for now) because that’s easier for me to write and plan with than it would be to come up with made-up languages that are similar to both of those. I think I might do that, because I’m definitely not Tolkien. Languages are interesting to me, especially in how they influence culture/history, but I’m nowhere near skilled enough to come up with a workable language on my own. I also just don’t want to get caught up in grammar and evolution of language and all that.

I also definitely need to expand upon the religions of both the Valaviri and the Falians. I was trying to go for a Greek/Roman type pantheon for the Valaviri, with the Roman focus on virtue, but I’m not sure how the religion itself affects the daily lives of the Valaviri. Do people actually believe in them or do they only pay them lip service? There are accounts of Greeks (Romans too, I think) who questioned the gods‘ existence, and I feel like it might tie into the theme of decadence and laziness that I have going on with the Valaviri Empire.

Speaking of, I don’t know if I want to use “empire” for the Valaviri, because it seems really cliche (the evil empire trope, etc., even though I was going to explore how it was both good and bad). Originally I was going to call it the Principate, which is what the Roman Empire was called during the time when it was still trying to appear as a republic. The problem with Latin and Roman stuff, though, is that it’s really recognizable and kind of overdone. This whole story came into being because of the concept of Ireland and Rome interacting and setting off an alternate history of sorts (which I’ve since altered to fit the fantasy world), so I do want to keep those two countries the primary source of inspiration. But I also don’t want the world to seem like it’s just a copy of ours...

The Falian religion gives me so much trouble. In the second version of the story, it was more of a Narnia-type tale where the nin Roys had come to our world and then went back. They ended up converting to Catholicism while here, and then continued to practice it once in Falia. It influenced their character arcs a lot, so I had a really hard time over replacing it. I settled on having the Falians worship “The Highest” (as in the Highest of Kings--God), which worked because of their historical High King. I was going to have their first king be chosen by the Highest; his name would be Cyr (like Kyrios (Greek for Lord), which, according to Webster’s Dictionary is apparently like Old Irish caur (meaning hero)). He would be chosen because he was the worthiest to rule (virtuous, etc.), and from that would come the custom of choosing High Kings based on behavior and character, rather than descent/family (although from time to time the latter would happen). But I kind of want to incorporate more Irish/Welsh mythology into it...however, I’m leery of either destroying the Christian element or of making it too similar to actual mythology.

I also want to change up some of the characters and their appearances/roles, like Bella and Marcus. I might have to end up dropping Mel, because she was important to the murder mystery plot, but with that getting discarded, she isn’t needed anymore. I also adore Soaig and Piran, but I have so many characters to keep track of; they might end up becoming much more minor characters than I planned at first.

Basically, I feel like I have to rewrite a lot, figure out where I’m going, and work out more worldbuilding details before I can keep going. And I’m willing to do that, but...*sigh* I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to. Rereading what I’ve written here, however, I do think that I have to go back and figure out a plan/redo some of it.

[hoaqins-funk-house]

Springtrap

Yandere

Male Reader

Part 1

Sitting in the black swivel chair, you spin once or twice before coming to a stop, grimacing at the feeling of sticky floors beneath your shoes. This place is brand new, how the hell are the floors sticky? 

Actually, on that note, how is everything so covered in dust?

Sighing, your mindless fidgeting comes to a stop as the phone, just as dinky as the walls around you, begins to ring. You pick it up but put it back on the table, eyes drifting to the laptop and swing-out tablet. When you flip the former open, you note the four buttons, each relating to something you would have to reset when it comes time to. The latter has cameras that are scattered around, including a separate tab for vents. There’s an option to block off vents, which sends a chill up your spine as you glance to the big ass one at your side.

You decide to block that one off for now.

Humming, you familiarize yourself with the layout of the place, deciding to ignore the shadows that crept through your vision.

Your unenthused eyes scan and take in everything. The replicas (you had seen the originals, and they were permanently stained with both the smell and color of pizza sauce and lawsuits) that were in and around the office, as well as the little bobbleheads that sat on your desk of the animatronics, which were, for some reason, human? You boop the one who you assume to be Freddy, hearing the familiar squeak. 

A small smile comes to your lips.

It was at this time that you realized you had completely ignored the man on the phone, but you couldn't really bring yourself to care. 

The little drawings that were put up were authentic; not just anyone could recreate what a child's mind spits out and decides to draw. 

That Freddy looks a bit fucked up.

The posters were cutely designed, and after getting the gist of what everything was and how everything works, you were on your phone the rest of the night.

When six strikes, you casually leave, giving the building a quick once over as you leave the doors, locking them behind you.

If every night is going to be like that, this is going to get boring.

-

He’s stuck.

This suit traps him like a rabid dog, eager to stay gripped onto his neck.

Still, things would be changing soon.

He can feel it.

He can feel it as a fresh breeze, the first in many years, hits his nostrils, sending a wave of euphoria through his system. The bloodied musk that hung in the dank room was not a pleasant one.

He can feel it as his body accepts this new host, more and more, until soon, quite soon, he will become one with his vessel. 

Just as the animatronics before him did.

He ponders. 

Why was he being freed from this prison of his own design?

Is he being taken somewhere?

…

Will there be a night guard to terrorize?

A grin takes to his broken lips as he ignores the pain and blood that comes from them. Oh, a night guard! Truly, that will be a sight!

He can't wait. 

For now, however, he must play dead.

My, that voice that shouts with excitement from behind him…

It sounds so familiar.

"Bring the truck around!" He calls. "I found one, a real one! It's got the rips, the weird colors, and what I am going to assume is pizza sauce! Ohohoh man, I hit the jackpot with this one! Fazbear's Fright needed something, and here it is!" 

His congratulatory tone made the man within the suit want to throw up. Finding him was nothing to be happy about; he is despicable, incapable of redemption, and an awful being. 

And you know what? 

That's just the way he likes it.

So to have someone happy to find him, especially for their own purposes?

He won't let it stand. 

Yeah, if this place has a nightguard, he'll kill them without mercy before burning the entire thing to the ground.

Might as well make it fun for himself.

As light peeks through, clearly originating from a flashlight, he feels his pupils shrink, resisting the urge to let out a groan as his weak eyes ache from their decades of being in the dark.

"Whoahoh! This one looks gnarly!" The same man as before speaks, probably referencing the organs and tendons that were showing. "C'mon, let's get it up!"

His grin only grows as two people lift him onto a dolly, beginning the move.

Goodbye, saferoom.

And hello, Fazbear's Fright.

-

Humming, you walk into the building, skimming over the decorations once more before noticing something.

The papers that had fallen onto the ground from before, they had dirt on them. Not surprising on its own, but when they were in the shape of tire tracks? 

You decide to follow them, using your memory of the cameras to guide you through the building, which was already rather linear anyway.

Entering the last area, you could see a rather dilapidated animatronic suit, with organs visible and its fur matted with blood. Real blood. The old Springbonnie suit was nearly green from how old and dirty it was.

Your eyebrows raise. "Is that guy just stupid or did he knowingly bring in a suit that has a dead body in it?"

Honestly, you didn't care. "Eh, whatever. It'll probably start moving when I start my shift… I've heard those rumors about the other locations." You turn, stretching, unaware of the eyes that followed you or the head that turned your way.

Damn, does he want to kill this one?

Well, he can think it over more soon. After the merge.

He grins again, feeling his uneven, gouged skin begin to flare with pain.

You exit the room fully, making your way back to the office with all the urgency of an ADHD-riddled person doing laundry.

Which is to say… not much.

You fall into the chair, cursing as the thin mesh cushion does nothing to protect your tailbone from the metal frame of the chair. The phone rings not a moment later, you picking it up and laying it on the table again, eager to ignore it just as you had done before. You stretch again, arms raising above your head as you begin to flip through cameras, finding the rabbit in the same spot it was in before. 

You yawn.

Hopefully it starts moving soon, or else the entire reason you took this job would be unfulfilled. 

You were bored, and you remembered this place from the times you had gone with your younger brother, who was now in his early twenties. You, however, were 28 years of age, with nothing better to do than 'investigate' the Fazbear's Fright that opened up. Still, if that rabbit has a corpse in it, it should make things more fun.

As you lazily flip through your cameras, you set it down and look to the side, seeing a rather dirty looking man with an eyepatch and fox ears. To his confusion, before he could lunge at you, you reach out and swipe a hand through his chest. You continue to swipe forwards and backwards, the incorporeal man stuck standing there until you leaned back.

"So, you're a ghost."

His mouth opens as if to retort, but he just gives up and leaps at you, you not even looking at him anymore. He closes his mouth halfway through the jump, and with an unsatisfied sigh, he disappears.

You continue flipping through the cameras, checking in on the rabbit a couple of times before shoving the tablet out of the way, opening the laptop to have it ready and sitting back in your chair.

You glance towards a shifting figure in front of the window, the hat and bear ears telling of who it is. He limps along, eventually falling beneath your view before seemingly phasing through the wall and leaping at you. You stare passively as he does so, him not completing the jump to instead stand in front of you, confused. 

For shits and giggles, you wave your hand through his chest once or twice.

"Why… aren't you… scared?" He croaks, voice ruined from years of no use.

"Oh, was I supposed to be scared?" You genuinely ask. "Uh, sorry. If you do it again I promise I'll hyperventilate."

"Don't try to… lessen your survival chances…"

"Okay. My bad." 

He sighs, and after annoyedly rubbing his face, he disappears.

You flip out your cameras once more, finding the screen obscured by static and a small error in the center. Lazily, you reset cams.

When your screen clears, you check the rabbit. He looks… strange. Like his body is evolving in front of your eyes. 

To be honest, you don't give enough of a shit to watch a potentially world-changing discovery if it looks that gross. You aren't paid enough to, anyway.

At this pay grade, you even coming into the damn building is volunteer work.

You check your phone for the time, seeing a cool time of one in the morning. 

"Aside from that science experiment gone wrong happening in the back room, it's still really damn boring."

However, it's still not boring enough to watch that transformation or whatever. That corpse (well, at this point, you kinda doubt it's dead) can do whatever the hell he wants with that suit. It's his body, not your business.

After another fifteen minutes of staring at a wall, you check the cameras to the sound of loud clicks and pops, now seeing a heavily scarred man with 1.5 rabbit ears in place of the suit. He takes one step out from his original spot, body heaving forward before he lifts himself up, looking up at the camera with a grin.

"Huh. That's new." You say, watching him jolt forward, continuing to take steps before relearning how to walk smoothly.

It only takes him a moment to rocket off.

"I doubt that's good." You mumble, beginning to flip through the cameras to follow him before playing a sound in the room behind him, making him pause. He turns, walking back with a confused expression.

Continuing to flip through cameras, you watch as the man, who you'll dub Rabbit Guy, wanders, seemingly having lost his focus. Hearing a sound to your left, you pay no heed to whoever it is, instead waggling your hand in what you would assume to be their torso.

"You're strange…" They say.

"Uh-huh. If you'd excuse me, I am currently working on keeping Rabbit Guy the hell away from me." Your voice is monotonous but sincere; you aren't trying to be sarcastic or mean, just trying to tell them the facts.

Glancing to the side, you see that it was a child, so you were waving your hand in his collar. "Oh, my bad. Does that… make you guys uncomfortable?" You ask, retracting your hand.

"No, we can't feel it." 

"Huh." You blandly respond, playing the sounds to lead Rabbit Guy back to where he started, before resetting sounds as you weren't able to play them anymore.

It seems like Rabbit Guy is getting progressively more and more annoyed at being led back, if his attempts to move fast enough to avoid the sounds or block out his ears meant anything. 

His body was responding to the sounds, not him.

It was then that he disappeared, so you check vents, finding him in one that led directly to the room beside your office.

You block it off, much to his annoyance, before yawning and sitting back as any thumps you hear from inside the vents come to a stop. 

You find him standing in the room where he had entered the vent, irritated as he glares at the camera. Preemptively, you reset all, thankfully right as cams and sound go out. 

Sighing, you lazily check through cameras, brows slightly furrowing as you look for him. He was completely gone, not in vents or in rooms. It really is unfortunate how many blind spots and shadowed areas there are.

When you hear the thumping of the vents, you search through them, only finding a stupid knick-knack laying on its side halfway in your sight.

Looking to your side, you peek into the vent, leaning down to see if anything was there. Your gaze meets Rabbit Guy's. 

"Shit." You say, quickly switching cams over to this one and holding down the seal button. 

Your eyes shift back to him, finding him way too close for comfort. As you lift your finger to let the gate close on the vent, the man (who was crouch walking) catches it, forcing it back up. You hear something grind that definitely shouldn't be grinding, and you have a feeling that that vent cover just might be broken.

Getting out of the vent, he stands over you, waiting for some sort of plea or… literally any response at all.

"So, you, uh… come here often?" You ask, leaving him genuinely at a loss. 

"Wh- was that a pickup line?" His rough, baritone voice catches you slightly off-guard. 

You weren't expecting something that was pretty much a zombie to have such a good voice, or a slight british accent for that matter. "Was it? Shit, more people've flirted with me than I thought."

"Really? That's all you can come up with before your death? I'd hate for those to be your final words." He lightly teases, leaning against the wall with a mean grin. 

You look up at the ceiling with a vague smile, his eyes widening momentarily. "To be honest, of any place to die, I'd much rather have it be in a place where I know I'll reach the front pages than in some random alley."

His grin falls into a frown as he watches you turn to him, the smile still on your face. It feels strange.

He feels strange. 

Why does a random night guard make him feel so…

So… comfortable?

You were calm, collected, not making any sudden moves or even attempting to exit the chair. Theoretically, the perfect prey, but not a satisfying kill. 

If he even wants to kill you, that is.

“What’s your name?” He asks, watching as you spin to face him in your chair. You would be taller if you stood, but he would still have a few inches on you.

“Y/N. You?” 

“I’m… William. Or, rather, I was, when I was well and truly human.”

“And now?” You ask.

“I don’t exactly have a name.”

“Can I still call you William, then? Well, if I live long enough to do so?” You ask, eyes moving up to meet his. Looking up at him like that… He wishes the hot feeling in the pit of his stomach would go away.

“...Fine.”

“I mean… are you going to kill me?” You ask, face not shifting as he glares down at you. 

“I won’t kill you on the first night, you need to give me more entertainment.” At least, that’s what he told himself.

“Oh, so we’re both here for the same reason.” You blankly say, his face contorting from a glare to confusion once more.

“You’re here… for entertainment?” He slowly asks, answered by your nod.

“I’m certainly not here for the pay. This place gives like half of minimum wage but I can’t complain about it because the other part is supposed to come from tips. Somehow.”

“How do you even live?” 

“Well, right now I’m on an paid leave due to some unfortunate deaths in my family. To be honest, I never really cared for any of them, but hey. I’ll take any chance for a break I can. Then I got bored.”

He huffs out a laugh. “So you went to another job on your break?”

“Listen, getting a month off leaves a man with little to do when capitalism has left me with no hobbies. Besides, this gives me a great excuse to continue avoiding people.”

His lips curl into an amused grin as he leans forward, lowering his head to be eye level with yours. "Well, you won't be avoiding me." He practically purrs, you averting your eyes at the tone he uses. 

Why would he say it like that?! 

His golden eyes follow you as you close the laptop's screen, enjoying your reaction. You…

He'll keep you around. 

You're entertaining and friendly. Open, and… warm.

He wonders. 

You're human, and fully alive. He's a revived corpse who merged with his vessel. You probably are very warm compared to him.

When he comes back to his senses, he notices you slowly raising out of your seat, hand outstretched towards him. 

Well, might as well take the chance.

He grabs your wrist, looking down at you unimpressed. You quietly huff, falling back into your chair and forcing him to move away from the wall in order to not dislocate your wrist.

Well, his hypothesis is correct. You are very warm. 

He feels the tightening in his gut, not wanting to let go but knowing that he will have to.

You, however, don't actually care either way. You begin your attempt again, this time with your left hand. Slowly raising out of your seat, you actually manage to stand fully up before he notices again, grabbing your other wrist. 

"What are you even trying to do?" He asks, a light sneer on his lips.

"Well... uh, I was trying to… boop your nose? If you're bonded with one of the original suits, then I figured either you or Fredbear would have the sound effect."

He lets out a few short laughs, his sneer replaced with the same amused grin as before.

"I'm afraid neither of us have the sound effect. That only came about with the second and third generations of animatronics."

You hum, interested.

His eyes quickly scan over you, taking in your form. This position, practically holding you hostage… Needless to say, he didn't dislike it.

Still, he releases you as he catches you glancing at what he assumes to be a phone. Things have advanced quite far since he was trapped. 

You turn it on quickly, checking the time. “Well, we have around an hour and a half before my shift ends, so…” Pausing, you check the time again. An hour and a half?

He steps closer, you glancing back up at him before leaning back as he leans forward, looming over you. “Tomorrow, you best make this more fun for me. I’ll greet you, but then I’ll head to the back. Try and stop me from getting in.”

“Uh, sure. Are you still planning on making the punishment for loss, uh, death?”

His eyes narrow in coordination with a widening grin. “That’s for me to know. You either figure it out, or you don’t. It all depends how well you play.” His gruff voice slightly echoes in the mostly empty building, you nodding in response. 

“Oh, cool. Can I tell my brother about you?” You ask suddenly, him quirking a brow as he stares down at you, easily at least half a foot taller than you. He was always tall, but now that he’s in this new form, he grew to be somewhere from 6’6 to 6’8. You sit down once more, exacerbating the height difference.

“Feel free to. Just know that if he ever comes around here, he won’t be alive for very long.”

“I doubt he will. He’s always preferred Foxy the most because he has taste, but-”

“Taste? For liking that liability-strewn fox? You like him as well?”

“To be honest, I never really liked any of them more than the other. I was in my emo phase when I went to see them, so it was practically illegal for me to like anything. But Foxy had sharp teeth and a wicked lookin’ hook, so… I guess I did.”

He hums, clearly slightly annoyed.

“Are you jealous that I liked the fox more than the rabbit that isn’t even the same generation as you?”

“I really should kill you.” His irritated expression shows the truth to your statement.

“It’s okay, I’m willing to call Springbonnie my favorite.”

Now, William was confused. Your tone… you weren’t joking. You were being genuine about something as stupid as this? What is with you?

“You’re very confusing. I think you joke, and then I listen to your tone and you’re genuine. But still, I wouldn’t mind if you did so.”

“It’s not nearly as confusing as how time passes in this place. It’s been like ten minutes since I met you but the clock says like three or four hours have passed.”

“What? Really?” His brows furrow as he steps closer, finding another excuse to close the distance between you both as he leans over the chair, seeing you pointing to the screen. “How strange…”

“Yeah. It doesn’t seem like tomorrow’s hunt will last for six hours, then. Thankfully.” You sigh.

“What, do you not want to feel like my prey for six hours straight?” He grins, leaning over further until his arm rests on your shoulder.

You shiver. “Why do you have to say it like that?”

“Because it makes you react, obviously. It’s entertaining to watch you squirm from something as simple as... the tone of my voice.” Of course, in order to prove his point, he does exactly what he did before, lowering his voice a few pitches and upping the growliness of it.

In covering your eyes, you also cover your cheeks, which have gained a slight flush. “William, I am begging you. Please, please, please, stop talking like that.”

And, naturally progressing, he was left somewhat stunned by the sound of your pleading tone. There’s just something about it, especially as you say his name, that makes him want to…

...makes him want to chase, and capture, and possess forever.

You as his prized prey, and him as the hunter.

“I’ll use it when necessary.” He vaguely answers, watching your head droop.

“I’ll take what I can get.” You concede breathily. 

He chuckles, hearing the chime of a bell, signifying 6 in the morning. "Well, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow, then. Don't keep me waiting."

"Asshole. I won't." You turn your head away from him, hiding the flush on your face, and stand up, stretching. "See ya, William."

He hums, eyes tracing your form as you stretch. It was a nice view, watching the button up shirt crease around your back as you stretch, clearly hinting at the muscle beneath. His eyes did drift lower once or twice, and that's how he figures out that damn, you have a really nice ass!

You begin to walk out, and he follows you with his eyes, watching you turn past the replica Freddy husk and unlock the door, exiting into the fresh morning. His eyelids droop, gaze slipping up as his lips curl into a wide grin.

“Y/N… I won’t kill you. Especially not when I’m presented with such an ample opportunity to make this into something so entertaining.” 

Well…

Is that the only reason?

Of course, he knows it isn’t.

His grin falls, leaving him coldly leering at the aged panels above him before his sight shifts back to the room around him. As he exits the office, he glances at the stained and shaded glass of the door, not allowing much, if any, light in. He turns away, heading back to where he was originally.

As he walks, he lets his form shift, feeling his body grow to his previous monster rabbit self, the creaks of his metal joints loud in the silent building. 

He ignores any shadows that creep in the edges of his vision, the specters traversing without sound. 

“This is going to be… boring.” His voice, far rougher than before, comes out unfeeling and croaky. As he returns to his previous position, slouching over once more, he decides to use his old tactic to pass time; inflicting enough pain on himself to fall unconscious. It doesn’t matter if his dreams are infested with darkness, nor how much he suffers in them. 

It was better than the boredom of sitting in one position with an unchanging environment.

He begins forcing his muscles to flex and strain within the suit and pull against the beams they have welded to, making him grit his teeth before the searing pain fades away, along with his vision.

Goodnight, Y/N.

-

“Yo.” You greet your brother, the man tiredly yawning as he ruffles his hair.

“Heya, Y/N. What’re you up so early for?” 

“Well, I got bored and got a night shift job at this dinky little horror attraction opening up next week. I decided to tell you about what happened there before I head off to sleep.”

“You got bored during a break from your job so you… got another job?”

“Y’know, William said the same thing.” You say, your brother narrowing his eyes at you.

“A coworker?” He asks. 

“Eh, not quite… he is the reason I stayed up to talk to you, though.”

He hums, walking around the couch you were splayed on with your shirt half unbuttoned. 

“So, to begin my tale, you remember Freddy’s? The pizzeria with the animatronics?” You question.

“Yeah?”

“Well the horror place I went to is based off of that; it’s filled with replicas and a few actual things from the pizzerias of the past, but something came in tonight that was… different.”

“Which was?”

“An animatronic. One of the originals, Springbonnie. Granted, the suit was ripped to shit and covered in enough dirt to be green, but it was authentic. It even has the dead body! Well - not so dead body, but still visible.”

“Did you call the cops?” He asks, worried.

“Hell no! I’m not paid enough to give a shit about what could-or-could-not-be a dead body. Either way, he transformed into a human, which was rather odd, but-”

“Just to be clear, this rabbit had a dead body inside and transformed into a human, and you don’t question it?”

“No. Continuing on, he got into my office and then we talked for a bit, I learned that his name is William, time passed really weirdly, and then we struck a deal where I have to keep him out of my office or I'll maybe die.”

“You’re still going back there?! And ‘maybe die?!’”

“Yeah, he said the knowledge about whether or not I die from losing the hunt was ‘for him to know.’ I didn’t question it further.” 

“You know, Y/N, sometimes it feels like I’m the older sibling. You’re fucking stupid.”

“I’m well aware.”

He leans over the couch, glaring down at you. “Then wisen up and quit that damn job.”

“I’m good. William is good company.”

“He threatened to kill you!”

“And? He hasn’t. Yet.”

“You infuriate me, gayboy.” He says, stepping away from the couch.

“Cool. I’ll sleep here for now, when you get back from work I’ll definitely be up.”

“Whatever.” He waves his hand at you, ignoring the middle finger pointing his direction from behind the couch’s back.

---

Part 2

also a lot of the stuff i write from now on may be male reader inserts lol

heres my springtrap design

here's the updated design lol