#hopefully now that I've realized I need to go back I won't be so stuck anymore

[the-moon-files]

Linked Universe - Masc!Reader Soulmate Quick Headcanons <3

(^^ this is so cute i gotta find the anime its from)

Sun: Male/Masc Reader (he/him), Guide Reader :)

Stars: Wild (Breath of the Wild Link)

Planet: Headcanons/scenarios, kinda long sorry

Comets & Meteors: Content Warnings: Link possibly feeling comphet (compulsory heteronormative), the general angst of being the best friend love interest (ends well dw), Links missing you/being sad about it

& Trigger Warnings: Link crying. (Please comment if otherwise.)

☆

Wild (BOTW Link)

Ok so we know he was stuck before the calamity following Zelda around

And while in game it seems like he's perfectly accepting of his role as her knight

And maybe could love her or grow to love her

I feel like after the Calamity, and after he meets you, its not possible anymore

It kinda feels like that same way ppl come to realize theyre lesbians??

Like he could've been straight and happy or content (not really, not fully, but in that way that gay women settle for staying with a man, he'd stay with Zelda maybe)

She used to be all he had left really, so maybe out of obligation he'd have stayed, but then he lost his memories.

And what was once a daily duty now became a woman he barely knew halfway across the kingdom, (who creepily randomly telepathically invaded his mind,,)

Link doesn't really realize how he feels until after traveling with you around the entirety of Hyrule, camping, fighting, cooking, eating etc. together, after becoming best friends with you,

Its like how a lesbian realizes they're lesbian bc they could never imagine themselves actually dating/married to a man, at least relying on him for the long term,

Then that sentiment comes in like "i just wish i could stay with my best (non-man) friend forever" kinda way

Like he definitely had the thought "this is so much easier, i wish we could be together forever" <3

So while "dating" you didn't necessarily occur to Link at first bc of heteronormative mindset/general mission of the Calamity Ganons

He quickly breaks out of that a couple months into the journey

Zelda at first may have been the quintessential "princess needing saving" but you were the "best friend love interest all along" type of energy you know?

So when at the end of you guys' journey, you feel the tug to leave, because the adventure's over.. you fully expect to see Zelda running into his arms or something, and turn away

You may be able to accept he loves women (tho how he looked at you and how comfortable he was touching you had you thinking possibly, maybe, hopefully otherwise)

But that doesn't mean you're going to sit here and watch it happen

(You know the games, the Legend of Zelda, this is how it always ends)

Instead, you feel lean but strong arms clamp around your torso

You're lifted up (even if you complain about how heavy you are, and he must be tired)

But Link is just smiling, and spins you around, Zelda is slack jawed in the background and then giggles??

Well, that's sweet, at least he remembered you were here instead of getting absorbed in her

Link practically whips you around, turning you in his arms

You stumble but he's too strong to let you falter in this position

He crushes you to his chest, a whispered "thank you" in your right ear, his breath is warm and ticklish

You awkwardly pat his back, "yeah, of course buddy, glad she's okay, and you're alright, you should get some rest. Oh, and you can have whatever I've got left in my iventory, since I won't be needing it anymore... you know I've gotta go soon."

You feel more see Link jump in shock, he grasps your shoulders (you didn't realize how hot his hands were until they were gone from your back)

You're worried he forgot about the whole "only here for adventures" Guide thing until painful understanding shows in his blue eyes

He immediately looks like the wind got knocked out of him

"Sorry Link, I wish I could stay to rebuild or explore Hyrule with you... but it's not my choice anymore."

You look apologetic but at least you know he won't be alone, that was your entire reason for being a Guide in the first place

But as you begin to fade (which, wow, Hylia really can't spare having you stick around for longer than a few minutes or seconds after Ganon's defeat??)

Link looks, panicked?

Like he's watching the Calamity happen all over again, but unlike in the game, he actually looks overwhelmed and freaked

His calloused hands attempt to grab you in various places, your arms, your waist, your shoulders, hands, just anything he can hold onto

But nothing works and you give him a sad smile, wishing him good luck with Zelda and the kingdom

And a reminder not to push himself too hard, bc you wont be there to stop him anymore

It's only just as the last of your vision fades (like a movie fading to black at the edges and closing in)

That you see him start to cry.

☆

The first few months without you were hard, you had practically been the one constant in his life, afterall he couldn't remember much else so consistent before you

Sure, he had flickers of old memories, old friends, even of Zelda,

But they were special ones, specific moments, not having a routine every evening for who cooks dinner and who does dishes

No memory of someone helping him figure out how to dress himself, or how to shield surf down the best slopes

You were home, the very wilds he's grown to love and adore during his adventure, his house in Hateno was more like a inn he didn't pay for, rather than the warm fire you were sitting beside, lifting a blanket corner so he could curl up beside you

Zelda had understood, thankfully

She'd expected he would be different, memory loss can affect someone like that

But she'd said he seemed, better, lighter

Lighter than he ever was as a knight, even at the happiest she'd seen him

He'd helped some with the castle at first, but seeing how depressed he was, esp after she got other workers or Hylians to help, Zelda had sent him off

Under the flimsy excuse to go officially inform the rest of the kingdoms that she'd been freed and Ganon defeated

Link had unconciously returned to your favorite spots around Hyrule, and it had hurt in a different way to be around stables and have people ask where you were (you were more talkative than he was)

He'd started to avoid civilization unless absolutely necessary for supply runs, and he preferred to do so in disguise late at night..

So when Link's summoned on an adventure yet again to fight a threat so devastating it needs the previous incarnations of him...

He's actually looking forward to it.

Don't get him wrong, he wishes this weren't necessary to defeat the shadow, and he doesn't want anyone to get hurt, but if this is an adventure...

It means he might be able to see you again.

And he's willing to take on Ganon all over again, spend months at a time fighting and mowing down monsters, if it means you're allowed to be by his side once more

(He had tried praying to Hylia, which he didn't do much pre or post calamity usually, but for you he made an exception, and the blonde found that this was the one prayer that he could feel no divine eye turned on him for...? Her presence was practically gone when he prayed for you back)

But at least now, he realizes, he was right.

Thank goodness (not Hylia?) , he was right

Because Link could feel you,

As he'd learned towards the end of his journey, there was an innate 6th sense he had for feeling your presence, the closer you were, the more precise it was, even down to which way you were turned (all without him looking at you)

(He had ignored the strangely giddy feeling that bubbled up in his chest when Impa learned of this trick, and began to tell him, for the first time since his memories about it were gone, about soulmates)

Like familiar paths in Hyrule, he knew where a safe place to sleep was waiting,

You were waiting.

All he had to do was step through the portal, find his fellow heroes, and he knew, you would be there.

☆

This accidentally posted 💀🥲

Welp, i was about ready to post it anyway, hope someone got a kick outta this,

Im slowly gonna add all the Links btw lol

Thanks for reading, hope u enjoyed! :)

Peace Out,

🌙

[thebluestbluewords]

Teeth are overrated anyway

+

"Congrats." Mal says quietly. She does, in fact, know how to have some tact, sometimes. "Heard you made the team." 

Carlos rolls his head to the side so he can talk to something that's not the tightly curled space between his own knees. "I punched a kid so hard he threw up." he says softly. Like it's a confession. 

"And? I bet that fucker deserved it." 

"Not really."

In Mal’s expert opinion, they all deserve it. Every kid who shoulder checks them in the hall just because they're there, every girl who won't look at Evie while she crushes their test scores, everyone who comes to Mal when they want something and ices her out when they don't, they all deserve it. Every kid who's ever taken a sharpie to their doors to tell them how worthless they are, they deserve it tenfold, and if one of them took a punch to the gut while wearing practice armor, it's nothing compared to what Mal would do to them given half the chance. 

"I promise you, they really did," Mal says. "You punched one kid. I've punched how many now?" 

Carlos laughs. It's not funny.  "Fourteen." 

Right. Out of all the ways their families fucked them up, he got the obsessive kind of guilt tracking. Preventative evidence, because the adults who want them gone will totally listen to a timestamped, cross-referenced spreadsheet of all the times they've actually fucked up, instead of whatever imagined crimes they're actually going to get sent back over. The spreadsheet's very existence is incriminating, and it could be bad if it gets into the wrong hands, but anybody who's able to get into three layers of password-protected sub-folders deserves the hex they'll get for snooping, and will probably feel too guilty (hopefully) to use it properly against them anyway. It won’t matter. The adults who care about them won't be able to override the ones who fabricate crimes they didn't even do, and one spreadsheet, even with locked timestamps for every edit, won't do much against a royal word. 

Whatever. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. 

"Fourteen," Mal echoes back. "That's a lot fucking more than one, and I'm still here." 

His head makes a solid noise against the wood. "You're different. People like you." 

Mal can't stop the scornful noise she makes at that one, but she can pick her next words wisely. 

Tread carefully, fearless leader. There's no coming back from this one. 

"I think," she says slowly, inching her way closer. "That you are severely overestimating how much people like me, fleabrain." 

Carlos makes a soft noise. He's listening, which is score one for Mal. 

"I'm not some perfect princess who never does anything wrong. Obviously." Fourteen classmates with black eyes and bloody noses. Fourteen people who won't speak ill of her crew again.  "I just keep trying, and I guess the Auradonians here are too stupid to realize that we're a bunch of lost causes. Their mistake, right?" 

"Right," Carlos whispers. "They're the ones who keep making mistakes." 

Hm. It's the right energy, but maybe not quite the right words.

"We deserve better than their scraps," Mal says, low and serious and warming to her cause now. "We deserve at least as much as they give their own stupid children, and if their noble-born brats can keep fucking up over and over, then we deserve at least as many chances as they get. We deserve our place here, and if they haven't kicked me out after punching fourteen people. they're sure as shit not going to kick you out over punching one." 

"Right." 

Mal can feel the heat of Carlos's body next to hers now, so close they could be touching. "Of course I'm right. And besides, why would they let you on the team if they're going to kick you off right after? It'd be a drain on their time and resources, and they're not gonna waste energy on us if they don't need to. You're stuck on that team whether you like it or not, dumbass." 

Carlos laughs. It's not exactly a happy sound, but it's closer than before. "I didn't want to join. I fuckin' hate organized sports." 

"Ah, like how I didn't want to join the equestrian club, and Evie dragged me to the meeting under false premises and wouldn't let me leave without petting a horse?" 

"Like that," he agrees, and finally tips his head onto Mal's shoulder. "I didn't want to do the second round of tryouts, but they're down a man since Aza broke his ankle, so Coach called everyone on the backup rotation in for a test scrimmage." 

"Let me guess, some shithead tried to pull shit because you're tiny, and you rage slammed him into the fuckin' dust?" 

Mal can feel the warm gust of his sigh on her neck this time, and it feels like what home must be for other people. "Yup. Pretty much." 

Weird. 

“I thought coach was all about controlling your power," Mal says, thinking out loud from a half-remembered conversation she’d had with Jay a few nights ago. “Guess he's some sort of filthy hypocrite who only means that for the big guys, huh." 

Carlos shakes his head. His hair is a soft, static-y mess that sticks to her cheek from the friction. She's going to be pulling handfuls out of her mouth later, but it's fine for now.  "Nah. He wants people who aren't afraid of full contact. Apparently he's playing some sort of psych-out game with one of the other teams, and he's pretty sure I'm unassuming enough that they'll never see it coming." 

"So he wants you to punch more people?" Mal asks incredulously. She may be bad at teams, and organized sports, and anything that involves running for more than a few minutes at a time, but a school-sanctioned chance to punch people might be worth making a stink about starting a girl's team over. "Sounds like a fuckin' sweet deal to me." 

“I—“ Carlos starts. 

Somebody pounds on the closet door, and his mouth snaps shut so fast Mal can hear the click. 

"Hey, if you two are done having a heart-to-heart in there, some of us wanna get to dinner on time!" Jay calls through the door. "Toss me out some shoes if you're skipping and I'll tell Verne you're both sick." 

Mal shoves open the door without waiting, and is rewarded with a satisfying 'oof' as the handle hits Jay in the stomach. "We were almost done, dumbass. You can't wait five minutes for us to strategize the best way for me to get in on this school-sanctioned hitting people shit?" 

Jay grins down at her, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "Nope." he says brightly, popping the 'p'. "Dinner waits for no man, and I'm not missing out on bread just cause you two decided it was the right time to have a gossip sesh in my closet."

"Ow," Mal grumbles, unfolding herself from the floor. "Fuck you, who told you that gossip sesh was a word people actually use?" 

Jay steps back to let her out, still grinning infuriatingly. "Lonnie." 

Mal's going to sneak into that girl's room and dye all her clothes pink. 

No, she'd probably like that. Purple, then. An unflattering purple. One of those periwinkles that's so blue it doesn't deserve to share a name with the perfect purples that Mal herself wears. Perfect. 

"I'm going to make you both suffer," Mal informs him. "I'll dye all your clothes black." 

"Ooh, you think I'd look hot goth?" Jay shoots back, reaching past Mal to give Carlos a hand up. "Do your worst, killer. I already bribed your girlfriend. She said I'm her favorite model now." 

"You did not." 

"Did so." 

"Nobody bribed me with anything!" Evie calls from the boy's bathroom. "Jay's a better model than you because he knows how to hold still, M." 

"Nobody ever asks me to model," Carlos grumbles. Unlike Mal, he looks like he's comfortable standing upright, which is deeply unfair. "I'd be great at it." 

Evie sticks her head out of the bathroom. She's holding a hot curling wand to her hair, but her makeup is already on and impeccable for their teacher-student dinner tonight. "That's because you're already my favorite, baby. No matter how many people you've punched." 

Carlos flashes her a tiny, blink-and-you've-missed-it smile. It’s worth it. All the time in the world would be worth it to see that smile again. “Thanks, E." 

"Yeah, for nothing," Mal grumbles, twisting back and forth until her back pops. "What am I, moldy fish heads? I just spent half an hour twisted up in a closet, I want good girlfriend credit too." 

Evie laughs. "The fact that you call it girlfriend credit means you could never really stay in that closet, babe. You get all the girlfriend points." 

[your-queer-dad]

TW - some parental abuse

Hey dad

I just finished my first year of uni and asides from 2 exams I made it! But now it's summer break and... It's rough. I miss my friends. Visiting them is too expensive, and no job is willing to hire me because I have the capabilities of a teen for the salary of an adult. I'm currently waiting to hear back about my application for a government thing that should help though.

I just... I can't keep pretending to be happy at home. My parents are terrible. Earlier today my mom yelled at me in public over nothing and I literally could see a stranger go 😬 at it. But to move out I need an income.

Everything is relying on the government being willing to give me money and in my area that can take forever and they might be real strict. And even once I get money I still have to wait until there's room in the place I want to go to. It's student housing combined with assisted living, I'd love to go there. They say they can't help you become more independent, hopefully that means I won't have to go back to my parents anymore.

I just need to get out of here. It feels like I can't go on much longer, but I can't just escape. My parents don't realize what they do to me, how I feel about them. They're supportive on some stuff, they got me therapy in the past and they're helping with my transition (I started hormones almost two weeks ago!), but at the same time they're so horrible and it's unbearable. But I can't just leave without a word because I rely on them (for example they fully handle my insurance) and I don't even know where to start to fix that.

My mental health was improving lately but now that I'm stuck at home I feel pretty terrible again. I'm still continuing improving my life though. I've started taking a bit more care of myself, doing stuff like changing my bedsheets or doing my laundry more regularly, and I've been taking all my meds every day for 2 months now. It's just hard sometimes to feel good about it when I feel pressured to do more and do better.

It's gonna get better, right? I'll be okay eventually, I just gotta keep going. Surely it'll all work out?

Lex

Hey kiddo, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all that and that's your situation right now. That sounds really hard and stressful to deal with. You're completely right, if you hold on and keep going it will all work out- you just have to stick around to see it work.

- dad x

[literaticat]

This is so stupid, but a while back, this editor told my agent she was bringing my work to an acquisitions meeting. Then she went silent. Nudges revealed she was busy or OOO or just not responding. It’s been almost two years, and we considered it a pass a long time ago, but for some reason, I’m just STUCK on it. I think it’s because I also received an R&R that then led to a pass, and that book was really personal to me. How do I move on? I know I have to. We’re subbing other projects now, but I’m still stuck on it mentally.

I mean probably you should unpack this with a licensed therapist, not me, but hey, until you get there, I guess I can weigh in:

She ghosted you, and beyond your agent presumably nudging / trying to get hold of her, there's not really anything you can do about it. Frustrating and upsetting, I know. So I googled "getting over getting ghosted" and this article came up. I don't know the author or if they are generally good or what, BUT, this is pretty good advice I think, though it's about relationships I've summarized and bookified it below, or you can read the whole spiel at the link.

Realize that no response IS a response. (It's a sucky and disappointing response! But it's still a response.)

Reframe the ghosting: Try not to take it personally. (This truly is them being avoidant or dealing with some kind of crisis badly or whatever -- it's NOT ABOUT YOU or your book! And by the way... perhaps you dodged a bullet, actually, and you should be THANKING them in your head. They showed you a taste of what working with them might have been like!)

Avoid the temptation to generalize future [bookish] outcomes. (Just because this happened doesn't mean the next book won't sell or even that that book will never sell -- if you're passionate about it, then let it rest for awhile and then consider tackling a revision and starting from scratch with that one. Or, maybe you will return to it and realize, actually, your new work is even better. Who knows?)

Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal. (Sure, why not? Don't be hard on yourself anyway - YOU didn't do anything wrong!)

Find people who love and accept you -- and/or, your book. (Your agent, your critique partners and friends, the wonderful new editors you are submitting to... Also, potentially, a therapist!)

Set boundaries. (You know this person is probably going to do this again when push comes to shove -- so maybe DON'T submit to them in the future or spend more mental energy on them. You are letting them live rent-free in your head and you need PAYING tenants in there!)

Understand emotional immaturity. (Hopefully, you have empathy and perspective, and you are an emotionally healthy adult who is a good communicator and knows how to have hard convos. You probably would never ghost. It's a shame that not everyone else is that way. Hopefully, this phantom is on their own growth journey and will be better in the future, but that's not up to you.)

MOVE ON. (Which is what you are doing now! Kudos!)

Good luck out there!

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

ANALYSIS #3: 03/09/24

A new critter has entered the ring, a very goober-ish one indeed. Yours was a bit tricky to pinpoint, especially with my unfamiliarity of the characters you've chosen, but I think I've done a decent enough job for now. Hopefully you're able to find something that resonates.

What were those characters you picked anyways?

Ahh, you're a very eccentric little fellow, aren't you? You seem quite fun, but the fun ones are always the most concerning. Why don't we try looking at your background first?

"LORE":

Loneliness is a feeling you know all too well. You've been backstabbed, abandoned, forgotten. Almost everything associated with the idea of being alone is something you're able to understand. Though, you're weird in a sense. You have friends, you're able to make conversations with people, but it never seems to last, does it? You're always the second option. The temporary friend. A tutorial guide, even. Left to built paths for others but never being given your own. You yearn to have the lasting relationships that come so naturally for others. All you really want is to be seen. By anybody. Somebody. Just one person would be enough.

And by gods, what in the seven hells is going on with your parents.

I might not have much proof for this one (other than Scaramouche, I suppose), but I have a specific feeling that one of your parents has abandoned you, either literally or mentally, and the other simply can't take care of you properly because of all the slack they're picking up from the other. They both either can't or don't pay attention to you. They never seem to fully support you or understand your needs. They're usually too consumed with their own lives or their own problems to recognize yours. Either that, or they attempt to but are too unstable to really give you what you what you need. They compare you to others. They expect you to follow in their footsteps but they don't even tell you how you're supposed to do that, let alone consider if that's something you want. You're left in the dust and then expected to find your way back home alone, but the truth is that you don't even know what home is. Home is where the heart is, but your heart has been kicked around so many times it can't tell left from right anymore. You just wanna know what home feels like. Why is home so much to ask for?

People tend to push you to the side. Most likely because you don't think the way they think. You're not the most logical person in a room, or at least not in the way people expect you to be. You're more experienced in emotions, feelings, and desires, not economics. You do have many skills, but you're never given the opportunity to prove yourself. These skills would be great in the real world, but the real world doesn't see the value in them without proof, which is the same proof they're preventing you from having. They even have the audacity to judge you for not having said proof. That's why you stay on the outskirts of life. You sit cheering on the sidelines while desperately hoping that one day you'll be able to join their games. That one day they'll realize you do deserve to be on the big screen. You swear you do. Why won't they let you play? Why don't you deserve that attention? What are you doing wrong? It consumes you.

I am afraid I can't do much to mend the empty tears in your heart, but I can try to identify the main ailments. Let's see what really keeps your mind pacing.

THE TRUTH:

You don't entirely feel human. You love people, you love making connections, but it's like there's something wrong with you. Like God cursed you to be indefinitely incompatible with the world. You try to embrace your differences. Confidence is always key, isn't it? It has to be. Because if it isn't, you won't have anything. Because if it isn't, all you will be left with is the intrusive fact that you will always be disconnected from the people you long to be next to. You know it, we both do. You're stuck in a loop of your own isolation and it is driving you mad by the second.

Despite being so in tune with your feelings, you have a lot of trouble verbalizing those emotions. You tend to have trouble knowing yourself in general, which is ironic considering how you're also unapologetically yourself. It's a weird mix to have, and it's confusing to even yourself. This confusion bleeds out into the rest of your daily life. You might accidentally make promises you can't keep. You're probably not the best at planning because of it. You also might need a lot of personal space to figure out your own thoughts. It's all just so confusing. You wish things wouldn't be so frustrating anymore.

What makes this worse is that you're actively ignoring the problems that you can recognize. It is inarguably evident. I can't blame you really, since ignoring them is all you're really able to do with what you've been given in life, but at some point you will need to confront them. You can only stay in a house engulfed in flames for so long. One day you will lose control, and all that will be left is an empty rage. And that's assuming you aren't already burning as we speak.

I'm afraid I can't even think of much more to add. The world has drowned you and in retaliation you are flaming. It hurts you, but you will do anything to make sure it hurts the world more, to make sure it feels the exact same pain it's given you. There's not much to add to such a self-explanatory tragedy.

I don't have a solution to aid something like this, but maybe showing you your own best traits would help restore your faith in humanity, even if it's only for a second. 

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You see the beauty in things that go overlooked by most. You have a genuine appreciation for the smallest things in life, and you want to do what you can to keep those things at their best. Not everybody is willing to take the time to notice these kinds of details, and then to make sure those details stay noticed and remembered? That's the kind of "Tender Loving Care" that can only be given through people like you. It's an important value, and you should make sure you remember that as well.

You bring out the best in people by being yourself. You help people let loose, and frankly everybody needs a little more of that in their lives. You're smart though. You know when to take a step back, you know your boundaries and stop when needed. You're empathetic and observant, and it makes you one of the greatest protectors anybody could have. People should be honored to have you on their side, because you'd go as far as you could to make sure the people you truly care about aren't left behind like you were.

Despite all the shit you've been put through, you do love the world. You want to live. You want to have fun. You want time know people. You're adventurous, you live in the moment, and you'll be damned if you don't try to make all your suffering worth it. Your passion shows throughout every aspect of you. Do not let go of that. It is what keeps you fighting and the world needs more fighters, especially in this decade. Just make sure you don't die a martyr. As honorable as it is, we cannot lose the few warriors we have. And you are one of the most priceless and irreplaceable warriors we have. Do not let the world take that away from you.

Also you'd be an awesome rockstar B}

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[sl33py-g4m3r]

excited to be using linux on my big screen computer~~

a cool thing I've noticed is that linux I think takes up significantly less space than windows ever did. and I'm just running the cinnamon desktop~~!!

out of the 256 gb of space on the initial OS drive, I've got 217 gb left. windows I forgot how much it left me with tho...

Linux mint is nice so far~~ especially the second hard drive being password protected to mount; rather than being accessible to anyone using the computer.

installed vlc as a media player and now idk what other applications I'd need.

or if I even have enough space currently to try to get steam games working. as the terabyte hard drive is cluttered with anime and music I've saved. and where all of my data is stored separate from the os.

one thing I lost tho that I had forgotten about was my progress in cookie clicker, as I was playing through that, and i don't remember when my last backup was or how much I've lost. By the time I realized I hadn't backed it up, the install was already in progress and it was far too late.

I like cinnamon so far~~ the keyboard shortcuts to reveal all the different desktops,, even found zoom features that are really useful. I thought you had to pinch or push your fingers apart while pushing the hotkey toggle like you do on iphones to zoom in on pictures and stuff, but no. just slide your fingers from the top of the touchpad to the bottom to zoom in, and reverse to go back to small.

I never used zoom on windows; much to my detriment, lol. bad vision is bad. I'm saying it again even tho it might not be relevant here, I'm legally blind. left eye bad vision, right eye none whatsoever. I never liked on board zoom on windows and i'm not sure why... this is nice.

I'm still excited cause I've always wanted to run linux on my big screened gaming pc, but it would never boot. come to find out I was installing grub in the wrong place... needed it on dev/sda1 instead of dev/sda itself. I guess because 1 is the first part of the disk?

hopefully much less spywarey than windows~~ and more secure. I've always assumed that linux/unix/bsd were more secure than windows in general.

funny enough when I first found these types of operating systems as a teenager a long time ago, I jumped into the deep end and immediately tried FreeBSD first. then backed off and stuck with fedora, opensuse for a bit, then to the more user friendly stuff like ubuntu, and linux mint. then many years later I stopped liking what whomever makes ubuntu was doing, and switched to mint, but they still used ubuntu's base, so now I use debian based stuff.

there's my entire fore into linux from being a teenager to now, lol. also very fanboyish high school report on how linux/unix was better than windows. before I even started using linux proper. ahhhh the cringe.

sucks a bunch of corporate stuff doesn't work with linux; cause I'm always seeing like the eye doctors operating systems being windows, and I'm always like "why don't you use linux?" the reason is they want their technology and stuff to work. like it won't on linux?

positive experience and a positive rant~~~ still going to tag it as rant anyway tho~~

[chericherixo]

She's Yours, You're Mine part five [h/c]

Draco x Fem!Reader

Draco is arranged to marry Astoria, but all he's ever wanted is you.

Words: 1,459 Contains: hurt/comfort, calm before the storm per say, angst, confrontation of cheating

Notes: all characters are 18+, reader's house is not specified.

:4

You and Draco continued to meet up everyday, sneaking kisses in between classes and catching up over late nights.

One day, Astoria was walking Draco back to their common room when he saw you down the hall. "Actually, I should really be studying. I'll see you later, yeah?"

"oh, but we were going to watch a movie." Astoria said with a snarky tone,

"I know- but maybe later? I'm really stressed with the potions exam."

"Whatever." Astoria turned and walked off towards the common room. And Draco rushed over to you.

"Oh- hey." You smiled and he quickly kissed you,

"I've been stuck with her all day and she's been stressing me out." You laughed against his lips.

"I'm sorry- but hopefully I can help with that.." He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer for a deeper kiss. "I'm so glad you're here."

"What the fuck." Both of you snapped your heads in the direction of the voice. Astoria was standing there, going through all the emotions at once. "Draco who the fuck is this- wait, Y/l/n? Seriously? The fucking mudblood filth-"

"Don't say that Astoria, you don't know anything about her." Draco said as calmly as he could.

"Oh come on Draco, you can't be serious. Don't pretend like you'll keep her around. You'll move and fuck someone else because that's just the way you are." He clenched his jaw at this and stepped toward her,

"And you expect me to genuinely want to be in a relationship with you when you act like this. You're so fucking clingy- I never get my own space. It's like you're a spy for my parents, telling them every little thing so they'll like you more. They never will, Astoria, you're just a way for my family to gain more wealth and you've never meant anything to me or my family. I tried to love you, I really did, but then I realized there was no point in trying to please someone like you-"

"You don't mean that." She looked genuinely hurt and started to back away; Draco only raised his eyebrows at her. "Fuck you. The whole school will know about this. You and your filthy blood-traitor."

"Astoria don't-" Before he could say anything further, she apparated somewhere else.

"Fuck.. this is really bad. Like horrible, my dad will fucking kill you." He starts panicking. "And he'll get away with it, he'll tell the ministry it was an accident-"

"Draco, calm down, it'll be okay, I'll be fine."

"No- no you won't, he's done this before- shit. I'm so sorry." He pulls you in for a hug, squeezing you as tight as he could. With how worried he was, you started to fear for yourself. 'He's done this before?' You thought.

"I'm staying with you, until I can talk to him, you're not leaving my sight."

"But Draco-"

"No, please. I have to stay with you. I can't lose you- I need you in my life. Please. Everything is so cold without you." You sunk into his arms and let him hold onto you.

"Okay.. we'll stay in my dorm. My roommate can share with someone else."

"Thank you-"

------------

The two of you snuck to your room and you knocked lightly. "Lydia? Are you alone?"

"Yea," You opened the door and Draco followed you in. "Malfoy? What is he doing here?"

"I can't really explain right now but, do you think you could stay with your boyfriend for a night or two?"

She gave you a suggestive look, "Oh I see how it is, but he has roommates, you know? That's why we always come here."

"Please- I'll really owe you but you can't stay here."

She raised her hands in defense, "Okay, okay, let me just grab some of my things." She grabbed a bag and started to pack up her overnight stuff and you pulled Draco over to the bed.

"We'll be okay, I promise." You cupped his face in your hands, "As long as we're together." You whispered,

"I never should've gotten you involved, I'm so sorry-"

"Okay, bye guys, have fun." Your roommate waved and left the room. You turned back to Draco who looked like he was on the verge of breaking down.

"Draco it's really okay, I don't regret anything-"

"No, I'm serious y/n, I should've been more careful, do you know just how many people my family has killed and kept quiet? I'm fucking terrified for anyone I talk to that isn't a pureblood or- friends of the family. This is just an excuse for them to kill another mudblood- sorry, half-blood." Draco looked down shamefully and worriedly, truly conflicted over what might happen to you.

You stayed silent until your shame got the best of you. "Did you- did you really mean what you said to her? I mean- it was kind of harsh.."

"What? Oh. I know I was a little fed up with her but.. I don't know, she's just always so overbearing-"

"Draco. Did you mean what you said to her." You repeated, carefully.

"Yea, I guess I did." You sighed, "But- I'm not like what she said, I promise. I would never do that to you-"

"Okay, I believe you." You didn't want to discuss it further, but the uneasy feeling still lingered. "Can we just go to sleep for now?"

Draco felt horrible, hating the feeling that you'd think he was like that. He nodded and let you get settled in your bed. He felt a pang in his heart when you laid with your back facing him, not even waiting for him to lay down with you. He knew he had to talk to you more, but for now, he wanted to let you sleep before you two were inevitably confronted by his father. And the thought terrified him.

---------------

You woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. You couldn't place what would've brought this on except for the overwhelming uneasy feeling that filled your stomach. You sat up and turned to find Draco asleep against the headboard. Almost like he wasn't intending to fall asleep in the first place.

Looking at him so peacefully, you thought back to the night before and what he had said to Astoria. His words were so harsh and you could tell they really hit her. But at the same time, you had to think how lonely and cold he'd said he felt before you. You couldn't imagine what he must have felt when his relationship with you was compromised, how scared he must have felt.

You shifted up to him and wrapped your arms around him, resting your head on his chest. You swore you could hear his heartbeat steady the moment you cuddled up to him, like he was waiting to feel safe again.

He stirred and his eyes fluttered open. "Y/n- Are you okay? Did anything happen?" He seemed alarmingly concerned all of a sudden.

"I'm fine, I'm here and safe."

He sighed in relief, "I'm sorry for how I acted yesterday, that was so uncalled for and I just couldn't let her talk to you like that- And I was terrified that something would happen overnight, that you wouldn't be here that I swore I was going to stay awake and I guess I fell asleep.."

You smiled, "I'm ok. You stayed up?"

"Well- yea.. I just wanted to watch over you I guess, I don't know.."

"Thank you." You kissed him, and it seemed to melt his stress away.

"But you're still not safe, I- I don't want to leave you until I know it's okay.. please?" You looked away for a moment, contemplating how much danger you were actually in, though with Draco's warnings, it didn't look great.

"Okay."

"Yea?" He looked hopeful, at least at the chance to protect should anything happen. "I'll owl my father today, though I hope Astoria hasn't already."

"Maybe you could talk to her first?"

"I doubt I could get through to her. She- she loves me, and seeing me with you really hurt her I'm sure. I've always tried to get to know her, genuinely, but she's always been to toxic for me, I feel like I could never trust her. And yet I'm expected to have and raise children with her... I just don't think anything I could say to her would help the situation much. She'd- do anything to have me to herself."

A moment of silence, "That makes you sound a bit full of yourself."

He held back a smile, "Yea well, I am the Draco Malfoy after all."

You giggled and he held you impossibly tighter, wanting this moment to last forever.

Though nothing lasts forever.

------------

:6 (coming soon)

[nicohischier]

get to know me

tagged by: @hischiersjohnston thank you bestie

didn't tag anyone* due to my chronic fear of being annoying but pls snoop all you like

do you make your bed? no, i'm simply way too lazy in the morning to make my bed.

favourite number? 8! i was born on 8/8 so i guess the number just stuck out to me lol

what’s your job? i'm currently in that super fun period of being recently graduated with no prospects, no experience, and no network. also a lot of anxiety. i'm working on it.

if you could go back to school, would you? yeah. i still might go back in a few years to do education or something.

can you parallel park? once upon a time i could, but now i don't drive (classic lack of car woes) so i'm pretty comfortable in saying i can't parallel park anymore.

do you think aliens are real? yes, absolutely. i'm not saying i believe that there's a whole civilized society hanging out a few billion light years away, but the category of aliens extends into every living life form, no matter how insentient or microscopic. the universe is simply too vast for me to even entertain the idea that earth is the only planet or other celestial body capable of sustaining plant life or single cell organism or whatnot.

can you drive a manual car? no! tbh at this point it's been so long since i've drove period, that idk if i'm even allowed to say i can drive an automatic lmao

guilty pleasure? i cannot deny that i have spent money on genshin to get characters/weapons and while i fully acknowledge that i've given into the gacha trap, i spend responsibly and never in excess. it's a game i genuinely love and i do believe that adults are free to spend their money wherever they wish. some people buy cigarettes, i buy little anime characters.

tattoos? world's saddest no. i would like to get some tho, i'm just generally the type of person who gets super invested in something for a while and then drops it after a while, which includes tattoo ideas. right now i'm flirting with the cassiopeia constellation (name of my favourite kpop groups fandom), "we don't need the memories" which is a team motto from haikyuu, line art of a cat because i'm a cat person, and some others with personal significance. and some more fandom ones. but fandom ones are finicky so. shrug.

favourite colour? i do dearly love the colour red. also a big fan of taupe, which is. probably the most boring answer i could give. "oh yeah my favourite colour? beige." god.

favourite type of music? to the surprise of hopefully none of you, i'm a kpop fan. i also really love whatever genre of music guys like alexander stewart and lewis capaldi make.

do you like puzzles? yes so much! i got so into a puzzle the other day that i was up until 5am doing it like i fr just didn't notice how long i was doing it 😭

any phobias? i used to have such a bad fear of spiders. now it's just big ones that freak me out or ones that are on me. i'm working on getting over it though. bugs in general make me feel a bit sick to me stomach tho i won't lie.

favourite childhood sport? i used to be a gymnastics kid lol. was super into pro gymnasts for a little bit, but generally it was a sport i preferred actually doing.

do you talk to yourself? yes and it's so embarrassing because i fucking do it in public without realizing. one day i was in the bookstore talking myself through choosing a book to buy when someone turned the corner and was like "oh! it's just you!". that was almost my 13th reason i am so fucking serious.

tea or coffee? tea if it's hot, coffee if it's cold.

first thing you wanted to be when growing up? wanted to be a vet soooo bad. then i grew up and realized how scary chemistry and biology are and figured maybe i would leave that to the science brained people 😭

what movies do you adore? well my letterboxd top movies are inception, les miserables, the outsiders, and the old guard which is. sorta accurate. the first three are definitely true. i could slot miracle (2004), brokeback mountain, legally blonde, kingsman, etc. into my fave movies list over TOG if i'm being honest but. yknow how it is.

tagging: @sportsnet tyler do this or else.

[cielhunternorwood]

Life Sucks, Imma Talk About It

Not sure how many people actually follow after me on whatever sites at this point, but I feel like I need to get something out of my system. Firstly, about the lack of overall content lately. Outside of the Average Player videos, which are minimal at best, I've been stuck without much creative energy due to a lot of stress factors related to work.

From around December until mid- to late-March, I had a lot more work to handle at my job due to a lot of incompetent upper management over-stressing the mid-management who were working double time while the store manager was on leave from a medical procedure.

While I was bouncing between two stores to help out at first, I had to cut down to the original store due to just how excessive a lot of the demands were and how much I was basically the only reliable back-up for getting stuff done. While the plus side was that it gave me a lot of extra hours (which allowed me to buy a new, beefy desktop PC), it left me mentally exhausted and unable to really focus on anything creative.

Once the store manager began popping back in at reduced hours, though, the hours I worked went back to being absolute shit. This is, of course, bad for a lot of reasons I won't detail. However, it also put me into a realization that I'm being singled out by the store manager for whatever reason. You know that feeling of how you're treated like shit so you quit instead of get fired? It's like that.

Well, all that came to a head when the manager of the other store, someone I knew very well from my last job and helped me get the job here in the first place, flat-out quit last week. While I'm happy he chose to leave, given how much hell they put him through, it does cut off an easy means of getting more hours by helping out at the other store.

Adding on that previous plans of moving to another state to be with someone were canned thanks to the heavy hours of working giving me little prep time, I've not been in a very pleasant position overall mentally.

Most of all, the laptop I have been using up until now has been such a piece of shit in doing anything marginally laborious, which is doubly infuriating with the fact that I was "forced" to use it for gaming due to the Windows 10-only thing for a bunch of games that would run just fine on my old desktop.

And last, but not least, is that the forced necessity of living with my mentally-unstable and deranged mother has gotten worse in that she retired in December, leaving me with basically no time to be alone and free in the house.

This has all culminated in a huge dogpile of stress that has made it difficult to focus on anything remotely creative for some time now. The fact that I spent over $2k on a new PC, while necessary for what I want to do in the future, is still pretty stressful due to an uncertain money situation.

My hope has been, though, that being able to have a devoted gaming PC again will let me revert laptop usage to its original intent: creative shit. So far, it's kind of worked out, though I've basically had to give myself time to mentally relax beyond just playing video games.

The reason I decided to bring all this up now is that, well, a huge storm rolled through and knocked out power for long enough that I had to slow myself down and not expect to do anything for well over a day. The morning after it happened, I ended up setting a chair on the back porch and began reading.

That moment of quiet peace and reading turned into a much larger slowdown than I thought, and it kind of gave me time to think about what the hell's been going on in my life, while I've been rushing about trying so hard to get things done.

So, hopefully I can get my shit together soon, now that I've kicked myself out of the big rush I forced myself into the past few months. I wouldn't expect much in the writing department, since I have a lot of background stuff to work out, but I also want to find a decent hosting site for this stuff. I left Inkitt before they went AI-crazy, and I'm not sure about posting anything on Wattpad in the event I want to publish.

Expect some more shitposting in the meantime, to get some creativity flowing. I do really miss photoshopping silly things together, even if only a few people seem to enjoy them.

[astral-athame]

((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

[prettyprincessplace]

that was meant to be such a soft message and then you mentioned ovulating, your tits being more sensitive and the whimpering and all went out the window. think i've been wet ever since, princess. might just have to make the most of the occasion now :) remember when i called you pathetically pretty? think that's exactly how you looked riding that pillow for me, and all i can think of is watching you do that, simply standing there as you're grinding the pillow. if you can think you can do it yourself, i'll let you give it a try. you'll look gorgeous when you're begging me to finish it for you today's been such a long day, so i think this might be the only message for tonight as there's an early start again in the morning, but i miss you. don't know if i'd need to hold you and fall asleep on your chest or get rid of all the work stress by taking it out on you, my pretty girl. maybe both. just wanted to talk to you a lil bit, make sure you know i won't be disappearing on you and that i'm still very much thinking about you 🌹

Hehe sorry!! I really tried to keep it soft and sweet! But that's just the truth right now, they're very sensitive :( it would take the lightest of touches to make me whimper. But if it made you wet then I might as well elaborate since I don't need to try to keep the soft vibes anymore (although I do love the soft vibes so I hope you know I don't mean to turn everything sexual because I do love these cute non sexual thoughts too and value you for more than just sexual stuff). I am just so needy and wet, I woke up soaked and wishing you were here to help fix the aching I felt between my legs from the moment I opened my eyes. I feel so empty, I need you to come fill me up. I need to feel you so deep inside me and have you calm the desire that's been the only thing I could focus on all day 😭

Aaaa mommy thank you 🥰 I bet I did look very pathetic grinding on the pillow, hopelessly trying to get off but never being able to get enough stimulation to fully get there. Moaning and begging and calling out for you while I'm completely alone. "Please, please, please" falling from my lips with no one to hear it. A pretty, pathetic little slut -- your pretty, pathetic little slut ❤️ Having you here watching me would make me feel extra pathetic and dirty. Feeling your eyes on me while I behave like such an insatiable slut, it would have me blushing so hard and acting shy but also turning me on even more knowing you're watching me. You'd tell me to look at you while i keep grinding on my pillow and that would make me soak the pillow. I get too turned on to even be shy anymore and I start putting on a show for you, making sure I'm letting out every whimper and moan, rolling my hips and arching my back. Trying to get you as worked up from watching me as possible. After a while, I realize I can't get off on my own from humping the pillow, no matter how hard I try. So I start begging you to help me. "Mommy I need you so bad, I'm so wet and only you can make me cum how I need to. Only you can make me feel so good like that. You know exactly what I need mommy. Pretty please help me 🥺"

Don't worry, I've been super busy today anyways with preparing for my mom to get here and then going to get her parking passes for my building and getting dinner with her. Sorry it took me so long to answer (although hopefully you've just been sleeping this whole time). I miss you too mommy. Even when I was busy today I was still just thinking about you the whole time. Your sweet message about cuddles this morning really just stuck in my brain. I think both sounds great. Come use me to get out all your frustrations and work stress. I'm here for you to take it out on, your little stress toy hehe. And then afterwards you can hold me close and fall asleep on my chest while I comfort you from all the stresses of your day. I really do wish I could be there to help you feel better no matter what you need or which way you need me to help.

Thank you mommy for still coming here tired after work and sending me a message and letting me know why you're gone. I really appreciate it 💞 I'm glad you're not disappearing on me and I'm even more glad I'm still on your mind while you're away! I hope if I don't get a chance to talk to you before, that tomorrow is not too stressful or hard on you. Sending you so many kisses to help you get through your day ❤️

[simplylemonboii]

Could still use some real good cuddles and kisses

Honestly a semi-heavy takeout sesh would be absolutely wonderous right about now

I'll survive without it but I know it would also give me the energy to keep going. I will without it, but it would most definitely help bring me up and keep me up for a good while during these uncertain times

Skylar has definitely left my heart. I communicated as any partner, poly or not should. Nothing changed

I know they've also got alot going on but I no longer feel the love. They say they miss me but it feels empty

They've got Trenton and even after the divorce they'll still have their husband

I am not needed. I'll keep to myself. I don't have time to entertain those who can't reciprocate the same energy for me

We will be just friends on a platonic level from now on. Im sure Skylar will reach out after their Vegas trip and I'll continue to be a good best friend for them, but my heart cannot take anymore. Friend ship is completely safe. I'm sure they may be in love with me as they said. They feel that uncertainty about Trenton, Weston, Pi, and another or so as well

I won't allow myself to be a part of that struggle for them though. I can be a best friend like Beck is, anything more isn't good for either of us

Maybe it'll change in the future but for now it cannot be

I know they've pulled away when they realized I was and that's perfectly okay

Hopefully one day we can have a conversation about it all that won't make them feel like a bad person

Until then, I'll put the boundaries up silently as I have with Trenton and many others

Everything will be okay, I've got Princess Olivia as a best friend and roommate

She is always around so long as I am living with her. She is sweet, kind, caring, and receptive when we have conversations about issues or concerns

She is wonderful. Our relationship may not be as sexually fulfilling as I need but I am completely fine with that. It's best that I am stuck taking care of that myself

The cuddles, laughs, quality time and genuine care/consideration/love she shows for me is better than any sexual relationship I could have

It makes me feel good when she tells me "Don't leave me" and shows that she is genuinely appreciative of my presence in her life. I couldn't ask for more

Regarding Skylar and most everyone else though, work needs to be done for sure. I cannot determine whether cutting them off entirely would be more beneficial for me or not and that's why I can safely take a step or two back.

When they wanna show more effort and strengthen those relationships I will not work against them but I am far too exhausted now to be the only one working on them. I can no longer be the one to initiate that process

I need a break. For now, people can reach out to me

That's what is best. I am satisfied with this

I am content

[fucknuggetmaguire]

rant/vent ahead

I've been out of high school for a few months now I realize that I'm barely into adulthood at all but I genuinely feel like I'm failing at adulthood already. I work basically full time lately which I'm fine with, that doesn't bother me, but I dont really make that much money. I still live with my mom which again is fine it doesn't really bother me, my boyfriend lives with us too which is super awesome. but it would be nice if my boyfriend and I had our own place. we can't really move out, though, because my boyfriend is starting full time post secondary in january and I don't make enough money to fully support us. that's another thing is that my boyfriend has an idea and drive for what he wants to do with his life (which is what he's going to school for) and I just don't. i have no idea what to do with my life or what kind of career to go into. and I know that I'm still really young and I don't need to have a plan but I'm so terrified of getting stuck.

I'm so fucking scared that I'm never going to be able to get a job that pays higher than barely above minimum wage because I would need some kind of higher education for that or job experience I can't fucking get. and I'm terrified that when my boyfriend and I do move out we are gonna struggle really bad because we won't be making a lot of money (his career is high paying but it takes some time to get a good start, kind of free lancing/taking odd jobs for the first while). I don't want to be stuck at a low paying job that is not sustainable long term but I just have no idea how I can possibly get out of it.

and then there's also the fact that I want to get top surgery hopefully in the next few years. and that shit is not cheap. I'm wanting to go to a clinic that is not in my area and I think I might be able to get coverage for surgery costs but no travel or accommodations. I'm also not even sure if I'll be able to get surgery coverage cause of course the government is not clear about what they'll help with. and then when I do eventually get top surgery I'll need to be off work for like 6 weeks MINIMUM. if I still work my current job then I'll probably have to wait even longer because it requires some lifting and a lot of movement in the arms and torso that would not be healthy during early recovery. and then I'd have to worry about how on earth I'm going to afford to be out of work for so long because I can get medical unemployment benefits since the surgery is considered "elective" and who knows if I'll be working at a job with paid time off.

I feel so fucking scared about where my life is going just because I don't know where it's going. and the place I live is starting to get more and more unfriendly to trans/queer people so there's also this creeping fear in the back of my mind that says "what happens if you run out of time? what happens if the government stops providing coverage for surgeries? what is going to happen to you if you are forced to 100% cover all costs and expenses of your transition? will you be able to take that?" and that's a really fucking scary thing to think about

anyway, I constantly feel like I'm failing at life and like my entire life from now on is doomed to crash and burn. so that's super fun

[lizzieblabbers]

wake me up when september ends . . .

this late is post this post is late (so sabaw) because someone forgot to wake me up,,,

KIDDING

hallo, people of the tumblrland ;)

remember when i said in the previous post that i was in the province again? yes, ya girl came back <3

i always say to my friends (or whoever may be there to listen to my nonstop blabbering) that i feel like im a plant--na it is hard for me to adjust once i've developed my roots somewhere. i can't really explain it right now but you get the point (hopefully). and this one's particularly a huge thing because it's my first time travelling without any adult (as if im not an adult myself) supervision :D

the ride there was fun and exciting, i was relaxed the whole time and the travel time was shorter than i've expected, so i was estastic when we arrived hehe

i stayed there for twenty-one days, and i really cant put into words how relaxed i was there. well, there were some instances when the world has required too much of me. but i would very much like not to focus on those because it would just obscure how happy i was with this vacation.

looking back now, i think that in a way, it has changed something within me. i don't know, but know i feel less dependent towards other people (especially my parents; everyone knows im a big babie) and i think it's an achievement because hello??? i think i was still stuck to the seventeen year old me who's supposed to be enjoying her last year free of real-world responsibilities. the pandemic robbed me three years of my life that was intended for me to explore and slowly make my way towards adulthood.

so, yeah. that's a little realization from me.

im not really by myself there, my aunt (whom i call mommy because she's literally one of the mother-like figures i have in my life) is there and her family, i also have the father's side of relatives. i have a lot of people there taking care of me. but there's this certain feeling of independence--that i need to look after myself because no one will do it for me.

i don't know if any of these would make sense because while i am writing this, my lids are slowly becoming droopy, like it was begging for a 15-minute nap.

anyway, i won't really dwell much on my province journey because i promise (PROMISE) will write a separate post, maybe within the week? but i will

the ride back was the most heart-wrenching for me. i was crying for the first thirty minutes (or more, idk anymore) of the ride because i was so sad that i had to leave the little life i had there for twenty-one days. some may say im overreacting, but its twenty-one days!!! i have learned in high school from my mapeh teacher (hi mam cess) that it takes a person twenty-one days to be accustomed to a habit to the point that beyond that, they would already do it unconsciously.

imagine my horror when i was only given a day of rest after a fourteen-hour bus ride before i was forced to be an adult and do errands for the rest of the week?????? like???

anyway though, i pushed through, and now its the fifth day of october and school has started :( vacation is over, but the longing is still here

i guess this is longer than i have expected,,, maybe because i have missed writing in freestyle form :D and also because i think i have a lot to say at the moment as i am avoiding a certain academic task that requires me to think

all in all, september was a happy one. its a huge thing for me to call it happy because ive never felt that happy the whole month. i feel like the universe really gave me my well-deserved break from the world and let me realize things on my own.

i think that's all? i'll blabber more on my vacation post which, hopefully, would be really up this week hehe

babye, world! i'm going back to hiding :D

[soonyoullgetbetterx]

On a Wednesday, in a Café, I Watched It Begin Again..

This is the umpteenth time I decided to go back to posting and/or journaling after failing to do so consistently or see it through as chronicled in my blog. Then again, unlike some things in life writing simply doesn't happen to me. It takes intention, effort, and practice which depending on where I am in life could just stop altogether.

Since March 2023, I've been building a consistent habit of journaling. I would like to have some sort of tangible evidence that what happened did actually happen when I look back. So I could watch my life back through words. At the very least (without going in too deep) I could see how I've grown in my writing.

So before I started journaling consistently I decided to do a deep dive into the reasons why I'd like to start journaling consistently? What the hindrances might be and how I think I could overcome them. Here goes..

Why Do I Want to Journal?

I have heard plenty of journaling's positive impact on one's life. I decided I would like to give it a try. Despite failing to see things through in the past when it comes to writing, this time around I decided I would just keep on going even if I think it's not perfect yet since I could always go back to editing it later, but lost words that are never written could never be recovered.

Looking back on my life, with my thirty looming on the horizon I feel sorry for not having my twenties chronicled. Because it was such an experience I wish I could read back fondly. I won't let it happen a second time with my thirties. I hope this will be a good start for a new chapter in my life.

With journaling I hope it could help me with prioritizing problems, fears, and concerns -so I wouldn't have everything everywhere all at once which if I've learned anything could and would be overwhelming with a chance of sending me over my tipping point. Next I would like to have a tracker of my day to day's life or at the very least what went through my mind on that day. I might not remember every single detail, but I think it would be a nice keepsake to have for future me. Last but not least, I would like to take an active part in my life. Instead of things happening to me, I would like to create opportunities for myself to be in a better space. An opportunity where I could have positive self-talk while identifying negative thoughts and behaviors.

Basically I would like to keep my thoughts and emotions in check with the hope of getting to look back on them fondly when I'm older. Knowing I tried my best with the experiences and knowledge I had at the time even though I didn't know better. Hopefully as someone's who's hard on oneself it will also help me to be gentler and kinder to myself.

Not to mention, I would also like to work on my writing skill. Writing -unlike life- is not something that happened to me. I need to be intentional about it if I wanted to get anywhere. I really want to have my own published book one day. As an avid reader and a lover of a good storytelling, I think I too could share my story.

Experiencing what I did truly make me wish I chronicled my story early on, especially since now I am fuzzy on the details with nothing corroborating my memory. Had I did, I would've been swimming in materials right now and could work on editing instead of still stuck in writing. But that's okay, they say it all happens just in the right time, not too late, not too soon, but just the right moment when you're ready.

I guess this journal has been a long time coming. I've dabbled in it several times over the years, just never had the consistency to follow through with it. Which now I realized has a lot to do with my perfectionism I guess. It's like I want to write the great novel on the first try (ignoring the editing and revision process that goes into publishing a book).

Therefore, I tend to get stuck on making or finding that perfect opener, that perfect sentence, even the perfect word that I get discouraged and forget about what I want to convey with my writing altogether.

This time I'll keep in mind that no writing is ever finished, let alone perfect after the first try. Even after it's published. You can always come back to it and there's always things to tweak, work to be done. That's okay. You can always go back to it and edit it later.

Journaling Hindrance(s)

Things that might get in the way of me journaling consistently:

Feeling I have nothing to say

Feeling like my writing is not good enough

Get stuck with wanting perfection

Comparing my work in progress with published work

Procrastinating

Writer's block

Wanting to rush things

Laser focus on details, forgetting the big picture

Not conducive writing environment

Feeling discouraged

Overcoming Hindrance(s)

Things I could do to overcome possible journaling hindrances:

Dedicate a focused writing time in a day, whether for thirty minutes or a couple of hours, but always have a writing session in the day

Keep in mind that this is a work in progress

Any progress is better than no progress

Read more to find inspiration

Remember the end goal

Look at journal inspirations to keep me going and remind me why I want to start journaling in the first place

Remember that everything takes time and that's okay

Remember that there's a point I could fill out an entire notebook and how satisfying that feels. It took me an entire semester to do so. It wasn't done overnight

Incorporate mementos (ticket stubs, photos, etc) to serve as inspiration

Find prompts to get the writing juices flowing

Write, write, write. Write, write, write. Then write, write, and write some more. I can always revise and cross out sentences later. However, I could never get back the forgotten details if it's not written down. Better too much than not enough

A page a day, a paragraph a day, perhaps a sentence/word a day is always better than nothing. Keep going!

Remember to take a break every now and then. It'll always find a way to come back to you

Watching this newfound spirit of writing coming back again, this time I sincerely hope it will be an incredible start to something new.

If you've taken the time to read this far, I would like to extend to you my sincerest heartfelt gratitude. Should you feel like sharing your own story, my submissions and AMAs page are always open for a chat! Feel free to drop by and say hi.

All my love,

soonyoullgetbetterx

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here friend and sorry I've been quiet all week. I was away for a family thing till Saturday and returned with a fucking fever so am swearing off travel, maybe forever. Anyway loved last week's LS episode since we managed to get good storylines for many of the up-until-now side-lined characters. A Paul love interest?? YES, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!! Grace being the cutest, most concerned (and gorgeous, let's be honest) mom to every kid in trouble?? Love to see it (and Judd with baby

Charlie of course). And as for Marjan, God that was heartbreaking. She really went through it but stuck to her principles, gotta love her for that. And while it's optimistic of me to think they won't just forget about her and have her reappear when convenient (I know you know what show I'm glaring at), i have high hopes we'll get to see some of her journey as she finds her way back and that they'll make it a good one. As for this week, well hopefully this FBI nonsense will be at the end of it?? Fingers crossed. We haven't even gotten to talk about OG's return next week and Buck being lightninged and possibly comaed!! This obviously has a lot of potential (especially to see Maddie outside of dispatch and her house) and the Buckley parents visit during it could be interesting, i'm mostly worried about how KR plans to tie this in to the sperm donor nonsense. Anyway maybe a longer ask for later!!

Hello my friend! I'm so sorry you're sick! That's the worst, especially when you've been traveling and just want to relax at home! Hopefully you'll feel better soon and I'm sending you well wishes and manifesting some delicious soup to help! 🥣🥣🥣

Last week's episode WAS really good! (With the glaring exception that there was ZERO mention of what happened with Carlos the week before. Like, we didn't need a whole thing but not even a mention? Very much hoping it comes up this week at least in passing until we get to actually deal with it. I'm sure we will, I just haaaaate when shows have something huge happen and then forget about it for weeks until it's plot convenient again. ANYWAY) I LOVED that we finally got some focus on other characters. I always liked the idea of Marjan and Paul together if the show decided to go that route, but if not (or at least not for right now), I'm absolutely on board with this new woman for him! Their scenes were SO CUTE and he was all flustered when she recognized him and I would like more of that for him! He deserves to be flirted with until he's flustered and full of butterflies!

Grace continues to be the best person around, and her and Judd's relationship is just SUCH a highlight ever episode. He's SO supportive and wonderful, and so so good with babies, and young boys who've had a traumatic day alike. Plus the Tommy and Grace friendship?! *chef's kiss* It's so so so important to me and their scenes always hit so good! Also, any time they want to have Grace singing again, I am ON BOARD! Her voice is absolutely lovely, and her smile could power the whole of Austin.

As for Marjan, this episode was so tough because she was SO sincere and didn't let the team or anyone try to let her off the hook, she realized that in the heat of the moment and trying to get herself and the victim to safety, she said something hurtful and she owned that. She didn't try to make excuses (like, "we were going to die if we didn't get out in the next 30 seconds" which as far as reasonable explanations go is a pretty damn good one), she just apologized from the heart and was ready to take whatever reprimand the department handed down. And even when it was clear those people were NOT upset about what Marjan said and were just looking for a way to get some money when they found out she was "famous", Marjan still apologized for what she said and meant it. I LOVE that she stuck to her guns though and didn't cave to their demands that she try to use her status to get money from her followers, and wouldn't let the department use her and her followers either as an easy out to avoid a lawsuit. (Sidebar, WHERE is her union rep because I'm pretty sure the department leaving her out to dry like that if the didn't cave to extortion is like....not legal but I guess for the *drama* I'll let it go.)

My only major worry about this storyline is how the post mortem interviews said it was the last we would see of Marjan for "awhile", which does NOT inspire confidence that we'll see this as an evolving story. It's far more likely that we'll get nothing (or next to nothing) until the episode she returns and then we'll see flashes of her time away. Which is a bit of a bummer to me because I really love her as a character, but given that the show has not been able to manage having emergency calls because they're working in too much plot, it might be for the best, but still sad not to have her around! I do think that the end result of that journey is going to be some good storytelling for her character and I'm excited to see how it wraps up!

I am just....SO bored and tired of this FBI storyline so the sooner it wraps up and the less time I have to waste watching it the better. I'm crossing fingers with you that it's not just like...the whole episode. I don't think my soul can take it! And it's irritating because Owen was SO good this week when he was there to support Marjan, and so funny in the whole montage interview with Asha. And he's actually been really funny with O'Brian too, I just wish it was about their DAY jobs and not Owen's fantasy of moonlighting as a detective or something. IDK why the show seems to hate having Owen do fire captain related things because I really enjoy his character in that role and his dynamics with the rest of the team are fun to watch! Stop shipping him off to spend all his time with random side characters and show him interacting with his team! And is SON ffs. At least we can look forward to him and Andrea becoming FotG/MotG-zillas and trying to take over the wedding which I'm sure will be a lot of fun to watch!

I still can't think too hard about the sperm donor thing or I loose all hope and sense of decorum and become a screaming rage monster, especially knowing it's for sure dragging out the whole mother effing season. HOWEVER, putting that nonsense aside, I'm trying and failing to manage my expectations for the OG coming back. Like, this lightning storm looks SO GOOD already, and knowing we've got Brad and JCC back for a team up on a disaster already has me vibrating with excitement, but seeing the stills has got me HYPED. I'm for sure trying to keep my expectations for Buddie stuff down, but I'll be thrilled to just get a few episodes that aren't boring filler and this looks like it could be a return to peak 911 vibes for the whole group, even if it's just for an episode. So fingers crossed about all that. I'm excited!! And I'm here if you've got more rambling leading up to our original flavor wee woos coming back!