#hopefully its mostly accurate n stuff

[lanamemories]

blurring the lines | self

Lana had done a lot of reading, in the run up to the trial, trying to work out what to wear. 

It probably wasn’t supposed to be this important, but it felt easier to pretend that it was -- to pretend the clothes on her back were the most daunting thing, and not the set of eyes that would be blinking at her from across the courtroom. 

Mothers were encouraged to wear sweater sets, thick knit and in a primary colour, because apparently that made a person seem warm. It made a jury think of juice boxes and bake sale cookies, double checking children’s seat belts and turning up early to PTA meetings.

Those accused of a robbery were discouraged from wearing flashy jewellery, anything glitzy, because it it wreaked of coveting material worth. They were meant to go plain and simple -- something cream, and palatable. 

Nowhere had any advice on what you were supposed to wear when you’d witnessed an aggravated assault. When you’d been knelt in front of all that blood.

She’d whirled over discussion boards, scrollbar endlessly tapped until the words all bled into a blur, and found nothing.

In the end, she settled on a short black skirt, a white shirt that was big enough to look like a men’s size, and a clip in her hair with a cartoon strawberry clasp.

Her lawyer pursed his lips at it as soon as she entered the building.

“Jesus Christ, Lana. What the hell is that?”

He reached out to poke at it, but she intercepted before he could make contact. With a notably unsteady hand, she could barely settle fingers on it long enough to adjust it’s position.

“It’s a strawberry.”

“Christ. Jesus Christ,” Vincent muttered, wiping down his face with his hand and muffling a soft scoff against the heel of his palm. “That’s... Right. Alright, Lana. That’s fine.”

It didn’t seem fine, and suddenly Lana was pushing up onto the toes of her feet, ignoring Vincent as he stooped to collect his briefcase. 

“Is, um... Is Zeke here, yet? I want to see him. I want to see Zeke and Leo.”

She’d insisted on staying at Alpha Nu, the night before, since she had a class the same afternoon and “it only made sense to be closer”, frantically clinging to any scrap of normalcy by the fingernails, but now she felt like a horse without hooves expected to race in the Grand National. It was only a few hours of sleep that she’d managed to scrape together, on her own. She’d almost rang Benji five separate times, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to hear his voice without her own wobbling, and if she started crying she probably wouldn’t stop. 

“He’s in prep, I believe. We should start heading through, actually,” Vincent realised, smoothing over his belt buckle as if it was silk fabric, able to be rumpled by a crease. He was always fawning over his things like it was the be all and end all, to look presentable. Sometimes Lana pictured him as a Ken doll wrinkled by a dozen spins in the microwave. She was always having to contain the urge to reach out and press a finger to his forehead, test if the skin strung away with it in a warm gloop of plastic. “We can sit and have something to drink, before you’re called. You know, water or whatever. A coffee. They don’t take them Irish, here, though. Shame, if you ask me. Would make the whole thing a lot more exciting.”

He looked at the courthouse like it was nothing, something he’d done a thousand times before and would inevitably do a thousand times again, and maybe that was meant to soothe her, but it didn’t. In fact, it somehow managed to do exactly the opposite. 

She didn’t want to be the only one that was scared.

“Vincent?” she called out after he’d walked a few steps, swallowing when he turned back to offer a rather bewildered lift of the eyebrows. When she didn’t continue, he closed their distance and bowed his head, listening like she was about to divulge a secret.

Her eyes dropped to the floor, and there was a strained laugh on the tip of her tongue before she’d even managed to ask it. She leaned in by an inch, voice timid and foreign to her own ears.

It was ridiculous.

She knew it was ridiculous.

“Can you, um... Can you hold my hand?”

Ten seconds of stunned silence passed before he cleared his throat. Leaned back, and itched his nose. 

“No, Lana,” Vincent exhaled, lips tense like they’d been moulded that way and set in clay, “no, I can’t hold your hand. That wouldn’t... be appropriate, what’re you--... No. I can’t.”

“Okay,” she nodded. Then again. And a third time, for good measure. The cherry on top of the cake that made it pretty enough to sit out on a bakery shelf.  “Okay, cool. Yeah, that’s... Yeah, cool. I was just... I was kidding, so.” She flashed a smile like a Monopoly get-out-of-jail card -- ironic, really, considering the situation they were in. “I was totally kidding. Yanking your chain, or whatever. Yankety-yank-yank.”

Eyeing her for a painfully long moment, her face might as well have exploded like a watermelon hurled at the windshield of a moving car, for all of the red that flushed it. She wanted something to beam her up, or swallow her whole. To have her knees braced still by a set of hands she trusted, thumbs soothing the bruises she’d knelt in over the previous week. She wanted something, but she had no more voice brave enough to request it. No ears that wanted to listen.

“Right...” Vincent trailed off, offering an awkward smile. He checked his watch, and mentally calculated whether he’d be able to fit in a stop at the gas station to pick up flowers for his date later. “Well, erm...” His wrist went slack, and he gave a vague gesture of his briefcase. “Shall we, then?”

“Right, yeah.” Pressing her lips together, Lana forced as convincing a smile as possible. Her cheeks ached. “Yeah, let’s go.”

                                                      ___________ 

The lights in the courtroom felt like an interrogation torch shone through a pitch black room, even though, rationally, Lana knew it was just inside her head.

For some reason, she’d pictured being stood during her witness statement, so lowering onto the chair gave a flip in her stomach when it creaked, feeling like she’d unknowingly gained company in the boxed off confines.

So far, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to look at him.

With her chin tucked down and her hands in her lap, she resisted the urge to rock.

“Will the witness please stand to be sworn in by the bailiff?”

Shakily, Lana rose to her feet.

“Please raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

She could hear the blood gushing in her ears like a reckless tide, lapping up any grooves in the sand. Erasing everything.

“I do.”

“You may take a seat.”

It felt like being a monkey dangling from an artificial tree trunk, in a zoo enclosure, with all of the jury’s eyes on her. A blink towards the first row saw several expectant expressions, all lit with varying shades of scepticism and curiosity. She resisted the urge to fiddle with the clasp of her strawberry clip, aware that one in particular was gawking like she had a live wasp on her scalp, stinger at the ready.

“Miss Jameson, is it correct that you were with Mr. Daniel Nielsen on the evening of July 21st?”

“Yeah.” Lana blinked, then re-phased as she did her best to keep her eyes on the prosecution. “Yes.”

“He picked you up from your sorority’s residence at around eight P.M., is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“And you were under the impression that you were going to a party?”

“No. Um,” she stalled when there was a murmur from the jury, prompting her to shift slightly in her seat. “He told me we were going to a bar, to meet his friends. I thought we were going for drinks.”

“That wasn’t the case?”

“No.”

“When did you realise that you were going elsewhere?”

“We... He pulled up, and I--... I thought it would take longer to get there, so I asked him why we stopped. I thought maybe he needed to text someone, or something. He didn’t say anything, he just... He just kind of gestured, at the window, so I turned around. That’s when I saw it.”

“Can you please clarify what it was that you saw?”

She made the mistake, then, of catching eyes with him from across the room. He had his fingers threaded together like they’d been stitched that way, meticulously interwoven, and his suit fit him obnoxiously well, pale blue of his tie oddly complimentary to a set of high cheekbones.

Anyone would think he was a model citizen.

She could feel thumbs on the insides of her thighs.

“Miss Jameson?”

Opening her mouth, newly dry, she wrenched her eyes back to the prosecution.

“Sorry, um... Sorry, could you--... Please can you repeat the question?”

A pause.

“Can you please clarify what it was that you saw, when you turned to look out of the window?”

“Yeah. Yes, sorry. It... We were parked outside of The Van Doren hotel. Zeke’s hotel.”

“You’d been there before, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“You and Mr. Van Doren engaged in a consensual sexual encounter, there, previously. Is that the only instance in which you had been there?”

“Yes.”

“And what was your reaction, to being there?”

“I was...” Heart in her ears. Throat tight. Stomach dropped so severely that she could feel it in her toes. “I wanted to go home.”

“Did you tell Mr. Nielsen that?”

“Yeah. I told him I wanted to go home.”

“He didn’t listen?”

“No, he told me to--...” trailed off, eyes flitting to find Danny’s. They were stuck on her with such intensity that she swore she could feel a target sizzling into her forehead, holes burning through -- eyes, mouth, everywhere. She swallowed, and forced her stare down at her hands. They’d subconsciously bunched around the fabric of her skirt. “He told me he didn’t feel like going home, and he told me to text him. To text Zeke, saying I was outside.”

“And you did it?”

There was slight judgement, in that, and Lana was sure the entire courtroom could hear it. She probably would have sounded the same, if she was the one asking the question. It might as well have been re-phrased as something more direct. 

How could you be so stupid?

“I told him I didn’t want to, but--... But Danny doesn’t like ‘no’.”

Her lipstick smudged around Trent’s mouth. Naked, except for her shoes on. The blink of a VHS camera with the screen flipped out at the side.

“So, to clarify, you text Mr. Van Doren to meet you downstairs?”

“Yes. I did.”

“And what happened, then?”

“I... Danny made me get in the back. I was there, when Zeke came out.”

“And just to clarify, Miss Jameson, was there any coercion involved, in this? Physically?”

“No, he didn’t--... He didn’t touch me.” She didn’t have to glance Danny’s way to know that her saying so would be satisfying. Instead of looking to confirm, she glanced at Zeke, instead. Tried to imagine that he was holding her hand. “But he didn’t... need to. I’m--... I was... scared of him.”

“And where did this fear stem from?”

“Um...” faded with hesitance, eyes dropping from Zeke’s like she was embarrassed of something. “I’m not sure.”

The prosecution pressed their lips together, apparently reluctant, but not enough to refrain  from doing what was necessary.

“In your character account of Mr. Daniel Nielsen, is it not true that you said that he once... And I quote, “bit my nipple so hard, during [sex], that it bled”? Despite the fact that you asked him not to?” 

She clutched her skirt so adamantly that anyone would think she thought the pleats were human fingers. Half of her expected them to evaporate into red mist, at any second, forming a cloud that Tommy’s voice could float out from. Or maybe expected wasn’t the right word. Hoped probably made more sense.

“Miss Jameson? Would you like me to repeat the question?”

“No, that’s--... Yes,” she corrected, wetting her lips as she blinked up to meet their gaze, eyes feeling like two microwaved grapes shoved inside her skull and waiting to burst. “Sorry. Yes, that’s true.”

“Is it fair to assume that you didn’t need physical coercion, because you were already scared enough to comply to his demands?”

From the defence bench, Danny’s lawyer lifted to his feet after a murmur into his ear. “Objection, your honour. This is conjecture.”

“Overruled on the grounds of a reasonable conclusion.”

With a tense sigh, he sank back into his seat. Lana felt like her entire head was slowly catching fire, toasting over a hob turned up past a hundred degrees.

“Miss Jameson? Is it fair to assume that you didn’t need any coercion, because you were so scared of him that you’d do whatever he asked?”

Rather shakily, she reached for her glass of water, prompting three of the jury to gasp in surprise when it went toppling out of her grasp and onto the floor with a bang.

The judge called for a recess, when Lana almost started hyperventilating.

                                                     ___________

Only allowed a short period of time in which to compose herself, Vincent muttering useless commentary as he fiddled with his wristwatch while Lana sat between Zeke and Leo in complete silence, she’d slipped into an eerie sense of calm by the time she re-entered the witness stand.

Running through the rest of the recount was stumbling blind, being lead by the arm through a pitch black cavern, voice strained enough that it was fairly obvious she was trying to swallow tears whenever mentions of Zeke’s injuries came to light, but she managed it.

It felt like running a marathon, every inch of her limbs begging to collapse against a mattress, and she almost shakily pushed to her feet to leave until she realised this was only the halfway point.

By all objective accounts, the easy part was over.

Danny’s defence reared from his seat, buttoning the front of his jacket as he side-stepped to enter the floor.

“Miss Jameson,” he began, eyes glinting as they settled on hers. He looked like the kind of hotshot that had connections on Wall Street -- inevitable, really, considering the profession of Danny’s father. “Before I question you about these events that you claim to have witnessed, I’d like to clear something else up, first. Would that be alright with you?”

“Um... Yeah. Yeah, that’s okay.”

“Splendid.” He launched right in. “What was the nature of your relationship with Mr. Nielsen?”

It was a simple question that was expected to have a simple answer, but Lana couldn’t provide one. She was sure he knew that.

“We... We were seeing each other, for a while, on-and-off. We made it official, on July 15th, but--,”

“The date isn’t necessary, Miss Jameson,” he assured, casting a sideways glance towards the jury. It was almost as if he was trying to make her responses seem memorised. Lacking authenticity.

Lana clutched her hands tighter.

“Were you faithful to Mr. Nielsen, during your relationship?”

“That’s--... Technically it wasn’t--,”

“Please may you provide a yes or no answer, Miss Jameson?”

Blinking, Lana swallowed to garner some composure. She felt a little like an animal backed up against a brick wall, snout stuck against the cold of a rifle’s barrel.

“No, technically, but Danny and I -- Daniel and I -- we never... I didn’t think he cared, when I slept with other people.”

“And you would be unfaithful, often?” he replied, spinning her answer in an entirely different direction. It was like he hadn’t even heard her, except for the first word.

“No, that’s... I’d sleep with other people, but it--... Most of the time, he wanted me to. I don’t--... I don’t really know how this is relevant,” she suggested, eyes moving to locate the judge.

Danny’s lawyer held up a hand, shaking his head once.

“Forgive me, Miss Jameson, but it is. Am I correct that you’re implying Mr. Nielsen wanted his girlfriend to be unfaithful? Aspired to it, even? Does that not sound a little strange?”

From his seat at the defence bench, Danny lifted his eyebrows like he was simply inquisitive -- even went so far as to tilt his head, like he was trying to gauge what direction she was going in with the fabricated story. Some acting.

“It... Yeah, it does, but it’s what... It’s what he was like,” she attempted to stick to her guns, shifting so that she could sit straighter. After swallowing, she found the nerve to elaborate. “At parties, he’d tell me his friend thought I looked... He said they had a crush on me. He made it sound fun, so I... So I’d have fun. Sometimes, he’d be there -- in the room, and--,”

“And?”

“And... He seemed like he enjoyed it. Like he liked, um... watching me do things, that he’d asked me to. And I did, too, I think. At first, I did. Or maybe.... Maybe I just... wanted to.” She swallowed. Ignored the smile Danny was inevitably holding at bay. “I wanted to like it.”

Buttoning his lips together, after he eyed the jury’s reaction, Danny’s lawyer rerouted the conversation. Yanked on the clutch, and reversed away from a brick wall.

“Trent Radley is one of these friends that Mr. Nielsen supposedly arranged you to engage in one of these encounters with, is he not?”

“Yes.”

“And what is your response to the statement, in his character account -- sworn under oath, might I add -- that no such encounter ever took place? That none of them did, in fact?”

Parting her lips, Lana simply blinked.

“He’s lying.”

“Lying under oath is a serious offence, Miss Jameson. Punishable by law. Mr. Radley is aware of that. Are you?”

“Objection, your honour. This is needlessly antagonistic,” the prosecution perked up, to which the judge nodded.

“Sustained.”

“My apologies,” the defence relented, thumbing over his mouth as if to conceal something. Regardless of his tactic being nipped in the bud, the jury seemed to have taken something from it, and Lana had to resist the urge to shoot to her feet and demand another recess.

After a short few steps, barely enough to count as a pace, he turned back to study her.

“Would you say that you’re a woman who likes attention, Miss Jameson?”

Eyebrows pinching, she traded a glance towards the prosecution.

“I... I don’t know, doesn’t everyone?”

“Would you say that you go out of your way, sometimes, to get attention? For example... by wearing bright things,” he provided, hand gesturing vaguely like he wasn’t making specific reference to the clip in her hair, “and provoking jealous competition between suitors, perhaps?”

“Objection.”

“Sustained.”

His jaw tensed, before he leapt right back in.

“Is it not true that you provided Mr. Nielsen with Zeke Van Doren’s name, prior to the events of the 21st, Miss Jameson?”

Her face must have visibly paled.

“Please could you answer the question, Miss Jameson?”

“Yes.”

“And why did you do that?”

“Because... Because he saw me kissing someone, outside of a bar, and he wanted to know who it was. He wouldn’t let it go.”

“And was it Mr. Van Doren, that he saw you with?”

“No.”

“Who was it?”

Lana swallowed.

“Who was it, Miss Jameson?”

“It was Benj--... Benjamin... Gates. It wasn’t Zeke.”

“Why did you give Mr. Van Doren’s name, and not this Mr. Gates? Did you have some kind of vendetta against Mr. Van Doren, and you were trying to antagonise Mr. Nielsen into doing your dirty work?”

“No, that--... That isn’t true. I didn’t want Zeke to get hurt, I just... I don’t know,” she stalled, opening her mouth when she realised he was about to interject. “I didn’t want to tell him about Benji. Because it--... Because Benji’s different, and I barely knew Zeke at the time, and--,”

“And you knew Mr. Nielsen would be driven into a heartbroken rage? An unfit mental state? You were aware of his fragility, and you wanted to spare Mr. Gates?”

“No, I--...” Wetting her lips, she blinked in the face of the thousand questions. The courtroom was eerily quiet. “I’m not sure, why I did it. I just... I’d fu--... Sorry. I had, um... relations, with Zeke, the same week, so I just... I just said his name. I just... I didn’t want Danny to be mad at me, any more. He said he’d drop it if I gave him a name, and was honest. He said he’d let it go, and leave it alone. That he just... That he wanted closure, and--...”

Gaze shifting to linger on Danny, he stared at her unblinking. By the look on his face, anyone would think the entire discussion was shredding him into bits, twisting organs until they popped. He played victim well.

“So you gave him Mr. Van Doren’s name, despite apparently being scared of Mr. Nielsen? Despite apparently being so scared, you weren’t in control of your own actions, according to the claims in your earlier statement? You gave Mr. Van Doren’s name to a supposed monster?”

“No, I didn’t think he’d do anyth--,”

“So you weren’t scared of Mr. Nielsen, like you stated earlier? You don’t think he’s a monster?”

“That’s not--... No, that’s not what I’m saying, I’m--,”

“So, either you gave Mr. Van Doren’s name willingly, acting as an accomplice and even instigator to these events, or you don’t believe Mr. Nielsen is the kind of person that could commit them? Which one is it, Miss Jameson?”

“Objection.”

“Overruled,” the judge answered, eyes flitting to investigate Lana on the stand. “Miss Jameson, I’d like to hear the answer to the question.”

Her eyes felt hot. Wet, too. She knew Danny was probably getting some sick kind of satisfaction, out of that, and the knowledge only frustrated her further. But she didn’t want to fold. She knew that’s what they were trying to drive her to, shoe firm on her neck as it attempted to press her cheek into the soil, but she refused to choke on dirt. If only for Zeke’s sake, she wouldn’t.

“I was... stupid, to give him the name. I’m... People are stupid, all the time. I thought...” trailed off, humiliated breath parting her lips. “I thought Danny cared about me. I thought he... I thought maybe he finally cared about me, the way I wanted, and I thought, like... being honest would mean... something different. But I wasn’t ready to--... I wasn’t ready to say Benji’s name, because I--... Because he knows me, and he's nice to me, and that’s not--... I don’t get that, a lot.”

“Miss Jameson, you aren--,”

“Please, can I just finish?”

Pressing his lips into a line, you could see the contempt simmering in his expression, bubbling beneath the surface.

Lana cleared her throat, and glanced towards the jury.

Looking at them was less daunting, with Danny’s silhouette becoming hazier in the corner of her eye-line.

“I shouldn’t have. And I wish... I wish I hadn’t, all the time. I wish I’d just let him stay mad at me, and not even... But I can’t... take it back, and that’s... That’s something I have to live with, or whatever. It’s always there, now, and it never... goes away.” Lana swallowed around the tremble in her voice. “But I didn’t want--... I tried to stop him. He locked me in the car, and... And he did it. He nearly... killed him. I gave... Zeke’s name, and I’m really shit and, like... and spineless, for that, but Danny hurt him. I think he would have done more, if I didn’t--...”

Pouncing upon the delayed pause in which she attempted to muster the courage to continue, Danny’s defence leapt back in.

“I think we’ve heard enough of this rather muddled account. Miss Jameson, thank-you for answering my questions. By all means, you’ve been very... convincing. I can see the kind of effect that you have on people, when you’re putting your mind to it.”

“Objection.”

“Sustained. You’re going to need to reign it in.”

“Apologies, your honour. I think we’ve all heard the truth, if we’ve been listening hard enough,” he dismissed, turning his back on Lana and beginning in his tread towards the bench of defence. ”No further questions.”

[moonsquaremars]

11th house thoughts

Hi everybody.

I have an 11th house stellium, and I love it. Probably because my venus is in there, der planet of luv, as well as mars, lust et aggression, and mercury, th’ intellect. 

My sun missed it shy of 1° ; had i been born just a few minutes earlier, I would have been an 11th house sun. But I’m a twelfer. Why, might you ask? My mother has an 11th house stellium afterall, so did my ex-boyfriend. Well, if you ask, my father is a twelfth house sun. 

And I’m learning to live with that. 

Just kidding. Anyways, I love my 11th house stellium. If you’re unfamiliar, the eleventh house is ruled by aquarius. Each of the twelve houses in astrology corelate to each of the twelve signs of the zodiac. The planet which governs both this house and sign is the planet of Uranus, which is my favorite one in our solar system :) I did a random generator a guy posted on reddit to find out which planet is dominant in your chart, and when I plugged everything in, I got Uranus. I was actually quite surprised by this, but overjoyed. I love everything uranus represents. Eccentricity, humanitarianism, chaos.

I am a cancer sun, though, and virgo moon. Cancer rules the moon, so wouldn’t that be my dominant planet? Or is it just my chart ruler? I don’t know. But the moon is so fleeting. Kind of chaotic, actually. Since the moon passes each sign every few days, that’s what makes us cancers so moody. We feel the energy of all the signs within a months time. Can you imagine how that feels? constantly knowing what other people are feeling and thinking? Or maybe I’m just imagining it. I am crazy, after all :p

I digress. The 11th house is fabulous. It rules the finer things in life. My ex-boyfriend was a dandy man, took me to fancy restaurants and hotels, the works. I need that sort of thing, I admire and crave it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very in tune with income inequality and the social issues that plague the world. But I still love dressing up in fancy clothes for a decadent night out. I suppose this is attributed to my stellium, but I’ll take it. A stellium by the way is when you have three or more planets in one house.

It’s kind of odd that my mom has an eleventh house stellium because we grew up quite poor. Nothing about her really screams fancy besides the fact that she adores drinking wine, is beautiful, and we live fancier only if you put us in to comparison with poorer people around us. We did grow up wearing nice clothes though. My mom would buy us second hand designer brand clothes like tommy hilfiger. Maybe that’s not designer, maybe that’s just brand name. I’m from Kentucky, give me a break. But we Kentucky fancy, baby.

Uranus being my dominant and favorite planet, is in my 7th house, the house of libra and relationships. Perhaps someone could pull up my chart {in the tags] and enlighten me on why it might be my dominant planet. I might also add that my draconic moon is in aquarius, which is supposely what your ‘soul’ truly is. I don’t quite believe that, because I think the soul is larger and smaller than the twelve signs of our universe. Or maybe just our solar system. At least of our conscience understanding of things at this time. Astrology is just a bunch of symbols made of our world to organize and communicate ieas n information. It’s not much more than that.

I recall being very internet savvy in middle and high school. My north node and chiron are in my third house, house of gemini and communication. All of my 11th house stellium planets are also in gemini. I see this being accurate because I am rather small in frame, standing at 5 foot 9 and weighing 125 pounds since I was thirteen years old. My mouth gets me in trouble, whether it’s from accidentally offending or just not being able to shut up! I would constantly be editing my myspace profile, using html codes, messing with the layout and how it interacted with my profile picture and song, and anything else I added to it. I loved it, and then that transitioned to my tumblr blog which I did in high school. Hopefully tumblr doesn’t die out, it’s definitely not what it used to be. Later when stumbleupon was something, I would look up things about futurism, humanism, design. I loved reading about the future. It made me so freaking excited. Like what will life be like in 2040? So cool! Or 2600? Then it made me sad once I accounted my age into the picture. I don’t wanna be 40! and that’s so far away! I hate waiting. 

I’ll end this post on something interesting I noticed. My boyfriend of a year had an eleventh house stellium. After we broke up, I had two guys I was interested in. I was actually quite torn, because they were both so amazing, but so different. One was elegant and familiar with astrology and addiction issues and had money. He was like this worldly man with fantastic package hehe helped cure this mundane “what’s the point?” feeling I had about learning languages and stuff. He made me feel like there was in fact a point to all of it. He’s a scorpio just like me mum and we just had great chemistry. But I was already seeing a nother guy, who was this gentle, down the earth, all around manly man’s man. I loved him, but in a different way. He was simple, but the first time I slept over at his house, he picked me up in this kinda old but kinda new like beat up stick shift hyudai sedan. He reminded me of Wario. But he had an amazing package as well. we mostly just slept though ,and when I slept with him, I felt like I was back in bed with my father when I was like five or seven years old. I already know how that sounds, and I know the childish bunch of you or dommage who lack a healthy relationship with your father if y’ar, are going to come for me and say that’s gross or messed up or perverted or weird. It’s not. I don’t want to fuck my father, I never have, and I never will. I really don’t want to open this can of worms because I could go on about people I’ve met who have been sexually assaulted by their fathers or who have an incest fetish and I’m not trying to shame any of those people. But, I felt like I was back in bed with my father like i was when i was a kid while I was laying with him, and that was a really, really, really good feeling. I never forgot it. He had an aries sun, which I used to hate aries. It was my least favorite sign, and probably still is tbh, along with aquarius LOL. Oh and his moon was in taurus which explained everything. My dad is a taurus sun, as are my two sisters, my grandpa, and one of my good friends, Chelsea. My moon is in virgo in the second house, which is the house of taurus.

Well, mr. fancy pants had an 11th house stellium, and my down to earth sweet S had a third house stellium. Finding these things out did nothing to absolve my confusion, only added to the ache of not knowing which to choose. Talk about love triangle though. It did make me realize why I was in this predicament though, and I suppose it worked out because I don’t really talk to either guy anymore. But The seventh and third houses are also air houses, just like the 11th. 

11th house - Aquarius/uranus, 

7th house - libra/venus, 

3rd house - gemini/mercury

That’s all for tonight. I’m ever behind on french homework, so I oughtta go take care of that. I want to write on the twelfth house, since my sun is in there as well as my father’s, and why I don’t appreciate its doom and gloom persona. If each house correlates to a sign, then the twelfth’s would be house of pisces. Pisces is the last sign with a bad stereotype. At least from my perception, it’s one of the best. So humanistic and kind. So why is its house the house of prison and addictions and psych wards and have all this hubbub, this &thatt?

Au revoir! -K  ý ll

[ohmyitsfaith]

50 days of learning love/Part 2

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Reader

Summary: You and Five try to get along, but now that Delores is in the picture too... well it’s harder.

Warnings: Language, slight angst and probably not accurate facts about the post-apocalyptic world.

Word count: 3k

A/N: Long again, but you guys seemed to enjoy the last one, so decided to write it as quickly as I could! Also happy birthday to our beautiful, amazing and talented baby boy, who’s now 17! Yay! Enjoy!

After surviving so many things together, you felt safer with Five. Sure, he could be an asshole, but like... understandable. Living in a post-apocalyptic world with literally no food other than bugs and not too much water... for five years... yes. It was awful. But being alone does weird things with the mind...

“Seriously, when will you stop talking with that mannequin and start talking to the one living thing in this world? Me!” you asked, slightly irritated when he didn’t do anything else than talking to that stupid thing he named ‘Delores’.

“Excuse me, but-” Five started, but you cut in.

“Yes, excuse you! Five, that mannequin doesn’t understand you, nor can it think!” you said. “You talked more to it, than you ever did to me! We spent 5 days together and the most you talked to me was when you were arguing with me.”

“Well, she’s my friend! And could you stop calling her ‘it’?” he looked at you.

“Sorry, she!” you said sarcastically. “She, is not alive! She, does not understand you! She, can’t be your friend, because she, is not alive!”

“Well, rude!”

“Me? Rude?! Come on Five, look in the mirror!”

“See, you’re arguing again!”

“Jesus, you know what? Keep talking to your ‘friend’. I’m gonna escape, before you drive me mad! Ugh!” you exclaimed, truly furious.

“What’s the point anyway? We’re stuck!” he shouted after you, but you just flipped him off. Asshole...

So you started walking, hoping to clear your mind. You knew you couldn’t go far, because the night was close and you needed to get back before its fall. You didn’t know where to go. Everything looked the same. There was only destruction wherever you looked. But at least you allowed your thoughts to calm down.

You spent the next few hours to just walk around, wondering why was Five the way he is. And why did you get so mad... But then you noticed, that the sun was going down. And you were too far from your place, that you wouldn’t get back in time.

“Better find a safe place...” you sighed and started on your journey for a place to sleep in.

You were scared. Without a doubt. Somehow after 5 days of having someone next to you made you forget how scary the night was. There was no moon to keep you light. The stars were there, but they weren’t as bright.

And so went the sixth day and night.

Waking up, you felt the hot sun on your skin. You slowly opened your eyes and sat up. Looking around in the apocalypse, you saw nothing. You sighed as you got up. You knew that you needed to get back to Five, but to be honest, you didn’t really remember where you came from. So after you got your stuff, you decided to go west. Maybe that was the right path...

Meanwhile, our dear Five was a mess. Guilt ate at him for chasing you, the only other human being, away. On the other hand, you insulted Delores, therefore you insulted him. But still... he was worried when you didn’t show up even after the sun went down. And he was even more nervous when you weren’t there when he woke up.

“Stupid! Why did they go?? Why did they not stay here? Now they’re probably lost... Tell me Delores, why??” he looked at the mannequin. “Of course it’s not my fault!” he grumbled. “Fine, maybe a bit. But still. They insulted you!” the mannequin stared back dumbly. “Well, it’s not my fault they got lost!” he got a bit angrier. “Delores, don’t start. You know that... fine. We’ll search for them” he sighed.

He put the mannequin into his trunk and then started on his journey to find you. Both of you walked for hours. Both in different paths, that would not cross the other if you went on it, straight, without turns. But you are humans, so you made occasional turns. So you were beyond happy when you saw the slim, dark haired boy coming towards you. You remembered, the conversation you had before you made your escape, but frankly, you didn’t really care. Until you saw the mannequin.

“You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot and kinda crazy” you started when you reached the boy.

“You’re also an idiot and crazy. But do you expect anything else after 5 years in the apocalypse while going trough puberty?” he asked, raising his eyebrow.

“You’re right” you nodded. “But you were an asshole.”

“Always have been. But I’d rather fight with you than be alone.” he said. “Well, with Delores.”

“Fine. But we have to make some rules” you put your pinkie up.

“You really expect me to make a pinky promise with you?” he asked, but you just looked at him seriously, so he sighed and intertwined his pinkie with yours.

“You have to swear, that you’ll talk to me not only Delores” you started.

“Oh, so now you’re going to refer to her by her name?” he smirked.

“Five!”

“Fine, I swear. You have to swear not to go full crazy lady on me” he added.

“Deal” you sighed and you both put down your pinkies. “Now that that’s out of the way, we’ll need to go back.”

Five nodded as a sign that he agrees. As you headed back, he started a conversation, which surprised you.

“Tomorrow we’ll need to move.”

“Has it been a week already?” you asked, furrowing your brows.

“Yeah and we should move to another side of the town” he nodded.

“Okay, cool. At least we won’t die of boredom” you sighed.

“I’m not so sure about it” he rolled his eyes. “It’s been five years, without any kind of activity that we were used to.”

“Okay, but like now we have each other! We can play games that we did when we were young.”

“I didn’t play games. We were training and learning every day. We had half hours to spend with games on Saturdays” he told you.

“Wait, really?” you turned to him. “That’s horrible!”

“Yeah, well, when you’re part of the Umbrella Academy that’s what you get” he sighed.

“Well, then I’ll teach you some! I know a bunch!” you smiled at him.

“Y/n, no offence, but I really don’t want to. I just really want to get out of here and for that, I need to work on the equation.”

“Fine” you sighed.

For the rest of the walk, you stayed quiet. And you stayed quiet when you arrived back, and while he worked. It was kinda a quiet day. But as you went to sleep, you both wished the other a good night.

And so went the seventh day and night.

The eighth day came and went with you guys just walking to find a safe spot to spend the next seven days. Or fourteen. Depends.

Five was mostly talking to Delores or just staring ahead, while you were in silence, kinda amused when he was having an argument with Delores. Or... well himself. Being alone does strange things to the mind. Although you can’t really blame him, since all those years alone had its toll on you too. Just in a different way.

“Hey, Five?” you called the boy’s name.

“Hm?” he looked at you.

“You ever thought about the fact that there could be others, still alive?” you asked.

“Yeah, kind of, I guess. But after five years, I was losing hope. Then you came along” he said, thinking.

“Yeah. Same here. But now that I met you... what if there are? What if there are people like you. I mean with power” you said.

“I don’t know. It’s a possibility” he shrugged.

You nodded, then went back to being silent. You were in deep thought and Five was the one who pulled you out of it, when he literally pulled you aside.

“Watch you step!” he said.

You looked back to the place you were walking and you saw a hole in the ground.

“Thanks” you looked at him.

Five nodded, but watched you for a bit, in thought. But then he shrugged and let it go. As you continued on your way to find a place, the sun was climbing up its way to the top and soon, you were left with extreme warmth. But it wasn’t exactly only warmth. Some weird cold stuff came too. Like the wind, but it wasn’t that.

You looked around the sky, but saw nothing. Five noticed it too, but he quickly realized what it was.

“A storm is coming” he said.

“Oh, okay” you nodded. “It’s been a while since one was here.”

“Yeah. Well at least it’ll freshen the air and also gave us some water. Hopefully” he agreed.

“Hopefully” you sighed.

For hours you walked in silence, but by the time, the sun was beginning to lower, you noticed the dark clouds as well. From then, the storm came quicker than expected as the winds picked up. You both knew that you need to hurry when you saw the first lightning strike. So you were looking for a place more desperately. But you weren’t quick enough and a lightning struck right beside you, blinding you both for a bit and also separated you two.

“Five!” you shouted when the ringing in your ear stopped.

A small fire rose from where the lightning struck and behind the flames, you saw an unconscious Five. You were scared for him and his well-being and without a thought you walked trough the fire. It didn’t burn you or your clothes and you probably would’ve been shocked, if the sight of Five didn’t send you in a shock before.

“Come on, Five!” you kneeled down next to the boy and put your ear to his chest, and when you heard his heartbeat, you calmed down a bit.

You struggled with lifting him up, but you did none the less and carried him to the hole you saw between ruins.

“Oh, God. You’re so heavy” you grunted as you pushed into the hole and put him down.

You sat next to him, panting. You weren’t used to carrying such heavy things as the boy beside you. You were tired, but you were scared to go asleep in case something happened to Five. So you stayed awake, checking on him every now and then.

And so went the eighth day and night.

You woke up to Five grunting as he moved.

“Five?” you sat up and looked at him.

“What the hell just happened?” he asked holding his head.

“A lightning struck beside us and we both fell back. I guess you hit your head” you said. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I was hit in the head with a rock... four times” he said.

“Thank God, you’re okay” you let out the breath you’ve been holding.

“Yeah, well other than my head, I’m okay” he looked up. “Where are we?”

“I brought you here after the lightning. I didn’t want to risk anything” you said.

“Thanks” he looked at you. “For saving me.”

“I would say, anytime, but I don’t want you hurt anymore” you sighed.

“Well I don’t want another time either” he tried to stand up, but almost fell back.

“Hey, slowly, bud. Keep it slow and simple” you said, holding the boy.

“I’m fine” he said.

“Clearly not! Just... let me help. Please” you plead to the boy.

Five looked at you for a bit, but then nodded. You stood up and put your arm around his middle and then looked at him.

“Is this okay?” you asked as you felt him stiffen.

He didn’t answer for a bit and let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah” he said closing his eyes for a bit. “Yeah, let’s go.”

You nodded then slowly started walking. You made sure to look at Five every now and then to make sure he was okay. But he seemed okay, so you continued.

“If I get heavy, just let me know” he said quietly.

“You’re not heavy. I’m stronger than I look” you smiled at him warmly and he surprised you with a soft smile of his own.

He was truly a beautiful sight when he smiled. You only spent like 8 days with him, but you knew that that was a rare occasion. When you reached your stuff that you left there, you grabbed the trunk and pulled it after you.

You walked for hours until you both got hungry, so you first sat Five down, then sat next to him. You offered him the box, which he took out a few from and started to eat. After eating a bit, you drank a bit of water and then just laid back a bit and stared at the sky.

“Hey Y/n?” he started.

“Yes?” you looked at him.

“Do you think it will happen?” he asked.

“What?” you asked back.

“That we’ll get back to the original timeline?” he looked at you.

“Well... I believe in you. I believe that you can actually do it. So... yeah. I do think it will happen” you smiled.

He nodded, then stood up slowly. He slowly went to the trunk and you watched him. He lifted up the mannequin and took out something from underneath it. He slowly sat back next to you and that’s when you saw the picture.

“You miss them?” you asked.

“Every second. Don’t tell them, I said that” he looked at you and you nodded. “But yeah. I miss them like crazy. It’s just... everything happened so fast.”

“I know” you put a hand on his shoulder and he stiffened again, so you pulled it away.

“We should go” he said and you nodded, getting up.

You helped him up and you continued your way. After some hours you found a place and while Five sat (you didn’t let him help), you put everything in its place and set up your camp for the week.

And so went the ninth day and night.

When you woke up, you finally had time to realize what the fuck you did when the lightning struck. Well after. You walked through fucking fire! That’s like... crazy! At least to you. Probably not so much for Five... if he knew about it. But he didn’t.

“Hey Five?” you turned to him sometime that day.

“Hm?” he looked up from his conversation with Delores.

“Sorry... to interrupt your conversation, but... you know how I was there when the apocalypse happened?” you asked looking at your hands.

“Yeah?” he furrowed his brows.

“Well... Imighthaveanexplanation?” you spit the whole sentence out.

“What?” he asked.

“I... might have an explanation...” you looked at him, worried.

“Yes?”

“Yeah... well... a day ago, when I rescued you from the... storm... I... um... kinda walked trough fire without getting burned?” you said, but it sounded like a question, like even you weren’t sure about it.

“Wait, really?” he put down Delores, signaling that his whole attention was on you.

“Yeah” you nodded.

“Well... that would make sense” he said. “Since everything was on fire.”

“Yeah” you nodded.

“It’s a possible lead. If anything else happens, you can come to me and tell me, okay?” he asked and you smiled at him.

You guys spent the rest of the day just relaxing. Five was talking to Delores mostly, and you were drawing in the dust. Shapes, which turned into different words, then you decided to draw faces. There was different characters from tv shows and movies, and people you knew before the apocalypse. You spent a great day living out your creativity and enjoyed drawing. When the sun went down, you noticed Five looking at your drawing of a character from a tv show.

“You’re quite good at drawing” he said.

“Thank you” you smiled.

“Hm... I wouldn’t have guessed” he looked at you.

“Why?” you asked.

“You just didn’t strike me as a person who does such things” he shrugged.

“O-okay?” you furrowed your brows.

But he didn’t say anything and you put down the stick.

“Would you like to play something?” you asked.

“What?” it was his turn to furrow his brows.

“Um... I don’t know. We could start with two truths and a lie.”

“Okay...”

“Do you want me to start?” you asked as you layed down.

“Sure” he said as he layed down too.

“Okay. One... I used to pretend to have powers just like yours and would just run up and down pretending to be a hero. Two, I had a bunch of superhero figurines. And three I drew myself tattoos.”

“I would say the first one” he said looking up at the sky.

“No I actually did that. Your powers are cool. I’m not smart enough for them, but they’re definitely cool. But I never had any superhero figurines.”

“Neither did I. But I guess my first is... I used to sneak out with my siblings to have a little fun. Two, I was the first one to learn everything, not my siblings. And three I hate ice-cream.”

“Three. You can’t hate ice-cream!” you said confidently.

“I actually really do. It’s cold and bad for my throat. Frankly, not very healthy.”

“Wait, then which one is the lie? Because I’m 100% sure that you were the smartest out of all your siblings. So... you never snuck out?” you turned towads him.

“No” he replied simply.

“Oh... Well...” but you couldn’t think of anything to say.

He was looking up, but you could see the sadness in his eyes.

“I’m sorry” you put your hand on his, but he quickly pulled away, like you burned him.

“What the...” he looked at your hands. “You burned me...”

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! I...” you sat up quickly and looked at him.

“It’s... nothing” he shook his head and slowly touched your hands.

You both gasped. Him, because it was still hot, and you because his hands felt cold.

“Okay... well, we have this to deal with too” he said.

“I’m sorry” you said.

“Don’t be” a hint of a smile run through his face, but then disappeared altogether. “Goodnight Y/n.”

“Goodnight Five” you whispered.

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Taglist: @lady1505​

If you want to be added, send a message or an ask❣

[mostlycompetentwriter]

You can STAY- Part Three

F/M Pairing: Y/N x Lee Felix (side pairing: Y/N x Stray Kids)

Word Count: 5.2K

Warnings: Language

Genre: Fantasy AU; Scarlet Heart AU; OT8 SKZ

Previous Parts: Part One, Part Two

Summary: Y/N has another unexpected confrontation with Prince Felix. But he’s also not her biggest problem, especially when she uncovers a potentially devastating plot that could completely unravel the royal hierarchy.

Taglist: @angelphantomlove​ @moonlightracha​ @staycarat0801 @jjabbur​ @pinkchcn​ @smolchild-lol @straykidbaby​ @moonnstars90​ @choisaemi @dru-shadow​ @skzooyeet​

It was still early that morning when I woke-up to the sound of someone knocking on the door to my bedroom. For a moment, I was too disoriented to respond, but the sound grew louder with the force of whoever was insistent about coming inside. Finally, I gave in and walked over to answer the door with a nonchalance that I’m sure reflected my drowsiness.

“Jeongin?” I questioned, surprised to see the younger standing on the other side.

“Hi, Y/N,” he said, and it was a timid greeting as he shuffled anxiously in the doorway. 

“Did you need something?” I asked, wondering why one of the King’s sons had went out of his way to visit me in my small dungeon bedroom.

“I, uh, wanted to make sure you weren’t busy today,” Jeongin said. “I'd like to visit the market again and try to sell my paintings.”

The request took me off-guard, and I didn’t know which I was more surprised to hear: that Jeongin wanted me to accompany him, or that the King’s youngest son made trips to the market to sell his artwork like he didn’t already have enough money. “I guess I can go with you,” I said.

“It’s mostly for protection,” Jeongin said. “Cuz’ of your powers and stuff...”

I grinned at his awkward conversation because it was strangely adorable to hear him stumble over his request. “I’d love to, Jeongin,” I said. “Let me get dressed and I’ll meet you outside on the bridge.”

Jeongin nodded in agreement and I gently closed the door to prepare myself for an impromptu trip into town.

It certainly sounded like a better prospect than resigning myself to another day of medicinal experimentation - searching for the cure that would alleviate Ella’s suffering. Ever since my encounter with Chan’s wife, I had been relentlessly searching my manuals and the records kept neatly arranged in the Castle’s library. However, despite my efforts, I was no closer to finding the answers than I had been during our first meeting.

Yet, I could never give-up on something that might help someone else in need, so I maintained my confidence that I just needed to look harder. But one day out of the confines of my bedroom couldn’t possibly hurt, especially since I had experienced an excruciating headache during the previous night after spending all afternoon hunched over my desk.

I nodded in self-determination, swiping my brush through my hair one more time before I left my room, walking upstairs alone with the company of my thoughts as I tried to focus on the task at hand. If Jeongin trusted me enough for protection, then I would do my best not to disappoint him. I had worked hard to fine-tune my powers for any case that might arise while I served the royal family, and I considered my fighting skills to be an enormous source of pride.

“You should feel privileged to walk so freely without care.”

I paused at the top of the staircase at the sound of an all-too familiar voice, and I frowned when Felix came into view while wearing an arrogant smile. “Forgive me, miss,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of a proper introduction.”

“Then what do you consider our last meeting?” I asked him. “If I recall correctly, you insinuated that I would bring ruin to this Castle.”

“Of course not,” Felix said. “It was rather premature of me to base my opinion on a foolish disagreement with Seungmin.”

“I agree,” I said, keeping my tone neutral as I watched him come even closer. “Do you not believe such things anymore?”

“I find you perfectly elegant, Y/N,” Felix said. “You seem to prioritize your morals above everything else, and I can sense a profound loyalty for my family despite only just arriving a few nights ago.”

“Not so much your family,” I corrected him. “I serve the kingdom, and that means honoring those who lead it.”

“How righteous,” Felix said. “Consider me impressed by your character.”

“I wish I could the say the same,” I said, and I was pleased when Felix’s smile vanished.

“Have I done something to offend you?” Felix asked. “I apologized for my actions. Please don’t tell me that you intend to hold a grudge?”

“Consider it more of a casual suspicion,” I said, watching his green eyes narrow. “I’ve learned a lot about you since my arrival.”

“Is that so?” Felix asked, and I could tell that he was not appreciative of my comment.

I nodded as I remembered my conversation with Chan on the same afternoon when I met his wife - how he willingly opened up to me about his red-haired brother in exchange for a tentative promise to help his wife.

“I know that you aren’t wanted here,” I said. “I was told that your own mother tried to kill you when you were merely a child.”

“Where did you hear this?” Felix asked, but his tone wasn’t angry like I had been expecting; instead, he seemed unusually morose while he looked at me with sad green eyes.

“Does it matter?” I asked him. “How else should I look upon someone whose own father hated him so much that he sent him away to another kingdom?”

My words triggered a brief silence between us, and it seemed like they had a great affect on Felix, but I was still stunned when he reached out to grab my wrist - directing my hand over his heart. “Do you feel that?” he asked, and I slowly nodded. “I’m human, Y/N,” he continued. “This opinion you have of me matters because it’s made you forget that I’m flesh and blood like you. And I expected someone with your moral integrity to know better than to treat an equal as lesser, or to believe nasty rumors without understanding the whole story.”

I could feel my mouth fall open in shock, and I looked at Felix for the first time without a single ounce of judgment. But I still couldn’t help but remain stuck on one word in particular: “Equal,” I repeated.

“Do you not consider that accurate?” Felix asked. “As far as I’m concerned, we both live and breath and share the same experiences. And to address your other offense against me, I’d like you to understand that my mother is a wicked woman who has always favored her eldest son. She held him to the utmost regard while I was nothing but a mistake that she always regretted...Yes, my mother did try to kill me, but it wasn’t out of a sense of righteousness to rid this world of a perceived evil. And when she wasn’t successful, she gave me this scar that I hide from the rest of the world.”

I swallowed hard when Felix removed the black mask obscuring the left side of his face to reveal a diagonal line of jagged edges. “In actuality, she would’ve done anything to ensure that Chan had no competition to stand in his way of the throne. But look at how well that worked out for them both. Chan decided to marry a peasant girl and defy our father, and he deserves his lowered status because he needs to finally understand that his actions have consequences that can last for a lifetime.”

He finished his tirade with a heavy exhale before securing his mask back into place. “Look at us, Y/N. We’ve both decreed presumptive judgments of one another, and they’re entirely inaccurate.” He then lowered his gaze when he infiltrated my personal space - far closer than what might be considered appropriate. “Forgive me for all that I’ve done that forced you to seek these lies. Perhaps in the future, we can hold a civil conversation together.”

I closed my eyes, reeling from the onslaught of his confession. “Why are so insistent on defending these perceptions, Felix?”

“Because you came here with no outside bias against me,” Felix replied. “I refuse to see these royals feed you misinformation just for you to turn against me as well.”

“I suppose it almost worked,” I said. “But I’m still confused after listening to an entirely different side.”

“It’s my side,” Felix insisted. “Seek the truth for yourself, but keep in mind that the people in this Castle are all looking out for their best interests.”

“Aren’t you doing the same?”

“Yes, but you’ll hopefully come to find that I never speak untruths,” he said. “My mother is an insane liar, and her clever tongue managed to keep Chan in this castle after his marriage, even though the king decided to deny him the opportunity to take the throne. I’ve seen her behave this way for my entire life, and I once vowed to never be anything like her.”

He finally stepped away, and I was able to inhale without restriction. His grin returned as he observed me. “Despite what you’re thinking, my return to the castle was not predicated on ill-conceived intentions. There’s no reason to doubt me, Y/N, and for the record, I’d like you to know that you’ve fascinated me from the moment I saw you at the choosing ceremony.”

His final declaration rendered me speechless, and I found myself trembling when he offered me a discreet wink before returning in the direction from which he had arrived.

By the time the sun was at its highest point in the sky, Jeongin and I were carefully walking around the outskirts of the market - searching for the perfect place to set up his paintings. “I do this all the time,” Jeongin reassured me with a cute smile that was impossible to deny.

“Okay,” I agreed, admiring the usual bustle of the market as eager patrons searched for the best prices on the goods they required.

“Over there,” Jeongin suggested, pointing to an empty stall, and I followed him with a selection of his paintings secured under my arm. “Let’s organize them,” Jeongin said, and I carefully followed his instructions while also admiring the beautiful creations that he had crafted. 

“These are gorgeous,” I said, and he brightened at the compliment.

“Really?”

“Of course,” I said, tracing my fingertips across the texture of an oil painting. “They look so real.”

“My mother thinks it’s a waste of time,” Jeongin scoffed, gaze hardening for a moment as he stepped back to admire our efforts. 

“I think it’s creative,” I said. “It makes you stand out from the others.”

“Exactly,” Jeongin agreed. “Everyone else already has something that makes them unique, and I wanted my own thing.”

“Well, you certainly found it,” I said, pausing when I noticed an elderly woman approaching our collection.

“How much for this one?” she inquired, indicating a rather gorgeous recreation of the surrounding mountain range.

While Jeongin started negotiations, I took my time perusing the remaining pieces that he had brought with him. I could tell that he had put his heart and soul into faithful adaptations of the most random subject matter: everything from scenic portraits to little drawings of his family members. It was a fascinating dynamic to his character, and I wondered how long the prince had been painting because these looked far too advanced considering his young age.

“Are you serious!?” a hostile voice growled, interrupting my musings with a tone that alerted me to possibility of an impending confrontation.

“What’s going on?” I asked, coming to stand next to a fuming Jeongin as he glared at the man who was holding one of his paintings.

“This little brat thinks he can swindle me out of my money!” the man said. “The cost of this shit is worth more than my house!”

“Oh, I’m sure he’d reconsider the price,” I said, stepping closer when I sensed an opportunity to appease the tension.

“I won’t!” Jeongin declared. “That piece is incredibly valuable!”

“Of course, the bastard thinks that his royal blood makes everything he touches turn to gold.”

“That’s enough,” I said, lowering my tone. “You can look elsewhere if you can’t afford his price.”

“For your information, bitch, I’m looking in exactly the right place,” the man said, and I noticed him reaching for the sword secured at his side. 

I took a deep breath when I noticed that the men he had traveled with were also advancing on the two of us - raising their own weapons into the air. I narrowed my eyes and willed their swords to fly out of their hands - shocking both of his partners. “You might want to reconsider your stance,” I said to the first man, but his accompanying smirk caught me off-guard - like he wasn’t intimidated in the slightest by my magic.

“Maybe you need a lesson in manners too,” the man said, and I could barely formulate a response before I heard Jeongin shriek my name while a pair of arms wrapped around my waist. I could feel the breath escape my lungs, and then there was a hand over my eyes, preventing me from seeing what was happening, and I started thrashing around in the limbs holding me hostage. “Let me gut this stupid girl first,” the man said, and I could hear Jeongin calling for help as the sharp point of a sword teased the side of my throat. 

But the man never followed through on his promise, and I only realized a moment later that he had been compromised when I fell to the ground with a grunt. My hand went to my throat because I could still feel the phantom effects of the sword’s blade, and my eyes blinked rapidly as I saw two figures standing at the front of our stall - waving their swords with impressive skill and growling out insults. Apparently, Jeongin’s call for help had actually been answered, and I was relieved to see both Prince Chan and Prince Felix warding off the opposition. 

“Your business here is done,” Felix said, appearing nothing short of intimidating with his mask and sword.

“They should be so lucky,” the first man snarled, but he knew better than to continue a fight that he was destined to lose.

I watched him walk away before I realized that Felix and Chan were both hovering over me with matching expressions of concern. “Y/N?” Chan asked with a gentle tone.

“Thank you,” I managed to respond, flushing when I noticed that both Felix and Chan had outstretched their hands for me to take. But instead of forcing myself to make that decision, I rose at my own autonomy, glaring at Felix when he chuckled.

“They might not be so lucky next time,” one of the men called back, and he must’ve still been riding the waves of adrenaline when he chanced a step back in our direction.

“Get the hell out of here,” Chan snapped at the burly man who had helped attack us, and he grumbled in complaint but obeyed nonetheless. “Y/N,” Chan repeated, shoving Felix out of the way as he came closer. “Are you okay?”

I nodded while Felix scoffed. “What the hell were the two of you doing causing trouble like that?” 

“We weren’t causing trouble,” I said, and Felix smirked.

“Good,” he said in response. “After our conversation earlier, I would hate to discover that you had lied to me, Y/N.”

Chan frowned at that - glancing between me and Felix with a curious expression. “Let’s just get everyone back to the castle,” he said, and I agreed with one last glare in Felix’s direction.

The next morning, Anna woke me up early with a bright smile. “Good news,” she said, starting for my wardrobe. “The King has requested your presence at the tea ceremony today! They’re honoring Minho for his selection.”

I groaned around the exhaustion holding me captive. “Is this a request or a demand?”

Anna hesitated as she laid a dress across my bed. “Well, I wouldn’t ignore the King.”

“Of course,” I said, forcing myself to abandon the comforts of my mattress. “When will it take place?”

“This afternoon,” Anna said. “You should hurry and get dressed.”

I nodded quietly in easy compliance, watching Anna leave me to my own volition as I forced myself to put on the dress that she had left behind for me. It was fairly modest, but the sleeves had a very delicate lace lining them. I also spent a few moments in front of the mirror to check my appearance, which I never normally allowed, before I left my room to walk upstairs. 

It was suspiciously quiet in the corridors, and I found it strange because I remembered that the King’s wives lived in this area of the Castle. But it was pointless to assume anything, and perhaps they were already waiting at the ceremony with their sons.

However, my senses went on high alert when I heard two voices intermingling towards the end of the passage, and I pinpointed the noise coming from a single bedroom. Subsequently, I paused outside the room, glancing through the space between the door and the entryway to see Changbin and Queen Seo speaking together in low voices.

“You’ll be next to the King,” Queen Seo said, and she clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she examined Changbin’s outfit. “Do you remember the plan?”

“Of course,” Changbin replied. “I shall look for the handmaiden.”

“I’ll have her deliver the tea,” Queen Seo explained. “Once Minho drinks it...” She trailed off with a maniacal grin, reaching out to adjust Changbin’s hanbok. “My son looks so handsome,” she remarked. “Like a true leader.”

Changbin sneered at her words. “He thinks that Minho could possibly do better than me?”

Queen Seo shook her head as if she couldn’t believe it either. “Don’t trouble your mind. Tonight, we shall change his perception after we kill that little bastard.”

The promise held dangerous implications, and I stumbled backwards from the door in surprise. It was my sworn duty to protect the rulers of this Castle, and I had barely given the plot any further consideration before I was returning to my quarters.

Because I would ensure Minho’s well-being, even at the cost of my own position.

I was late to the tea ceremony as a result of my efforts, but I only received a stern reprimand from Ms. White before she escorted me to my seat next to Seungmin and Jisung. It also offered me an appropriate vantage point of Minho who I kept within my sights as everyone spoke around me with joyful tones. I had nearly forgotten that it was a celebration, and I found myself narrowing my eyes at Queen Seo and Changbin as they laughed together with the King like there was nothing wrong.

“You seem distracted.”

I slid my gaze away from Changbin - locating Seungmin as he leaned in closer to be make himself heard over the noise. “What did you say?”

“You know, Y/N,” Seungmin said, propping his chin against his hand. “I happen to like this color on you.”

I was surprised by his strangely flirtatious tone. “Excuse, me?”

But instead of replying to my query, Seungmin shot me a discreet wink and turned to Jeongin who offered his brother a friendly smile. The whole encounter was decidedly unusual, and I wondered if everyone in this Castle was startling to lose their minds.

“Don’t concern yourself with him,” Jisung said while nodding at his brother. “He’s a rare breed.”

I found myself smiling at the jest in spite of my concerns. “What can you possibly mean by that, Prince Jisung?”

“It’s his way of impressing you,” Jisung said.

“Impressing me?”

“He’s convinced himself that you only fight with him to hide your true feelings,” Jisung revealed. “Seungmin thinks you’re harboring secret affections.”

“I might’ve helped,” Hyunjin added from across the table, and I grimaced at the idea before reclining back in my chair.

“How remarkable,” I said. “He didn’t seem to like me.”

“Seungmin always acts that way around strangers,” Jisung said. “But he warms up to them eventually.”

“Don’t take it personally,” Hyunjin said. “And try not to hold it against him. He really does like you.”

“But why shouldn’t he?” a new voice contributed, and both Jisung and Hyunjin flinched when Felix suddenly entered the room - pausing at the end of the table. “Y/N is very interesting.”

I turned away from him, fanning my hand across my chest because my heart was doing something peculiar inside my chest.

The King, however, was furious. He stood and glared down at Felix with narrowed eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Why shouldn’t I come?” Felix returned. “I’d like to celebrate Minho’s ascension to the throne. It’s what a good brother should do.”

“It’s alright, father,” Minho said, and I’m sure his words were shocking to most of the people at the table. “He can sit with us.”

“Very well,” the King relented, but he never took his eyes away from Felix as he sat down next to Hyunjin. “We shall begin.”

The King’s command summoned several handmaidens who brought inside the ceremonial tea for our consumption. Because of what I had discovered earlier, I kept a close eye on the handmaiden who served Minho - it was poisoned tea, and I had taken a potion earlier that should stop its effects. Since the potion contained a powerful chemical that was effective against all the traditional poisons I had studied, everything should be fine.

But there was a small risk that the queen had chosen a poison that could defy my potion, but I doubted that she would go to such great lengths.

“In honor of my son, Minho,” the King announced. “We shall drink to his health and vitality.”

I held my breath when everyone lifted a tea cup into the air, and I chose that precise moment to make my move.

“Your highness,” I intervened, coming around the table to grab Minho’s cup - ignoring the gasps of horror that echoed from the queens. “Shall I try it first?”

Minho blinked in surprise, looking at me like he couldn’t believe that I was standing over him. “I-I suppose.”

“In your honor, of course,” I added hastily before lifting the rim of the delicate cup to my lips. 

I could taste the poison as it slid down my throat, but I emptied most of the glass before wiping the remnants with the back of my hand. I sat the cup back on the table, swallowing hard when I felt the effects swim through my system. Thankfully, they were quickly assuaged by the potion that still lingered in my bloodstream. It worked just as I had imagined, and I reached out for Minho’s chair to overcome a brief bout of dizziness.

Everything was silent around me, but I forced a smile as I bowed to the King who was regarding me with a peculiar look. In the meantime, I was determined to finish the rest of the tea so that I could pour Minho something untainted. But I never anticipated further interruptions:

“I’d like to have the honor as well,” Felix said with a smirk, and I glared at him when he rose from his seat.

“It’s not necessary,” I insisted, but Felix jerked the cup away from me with an acute speed.

“But I insist,” Felix said, and he gave me a knowing look - one that said he was aware of the situation.

“Felix-” I tried again, but he had already lifted the rim to his lips - downing the rest of its contents with a sigh.

“Is this funny to you?” the King growled, and Felix simply chuckled.

“I’ve caused enough mischief for one afternoon,” he said, and he stumbled on his way to the exit. 

“Fool,” I whispered because I knew that Felix could potentially die without treatment. Thus, I bowed once again to the king before running out of the room in search of him.

It didn’t take me long to find him - collapsed in the remote corridor outside of the room.

“Prince Felix!” I gasped, and I ran the remaining steps before dropping down next to his crumbled form. “Are you insane?”

Felix rolled over onto his back, chest heaving, as he fixed me with a familiar smirk. “How is it fair that you get to have all the fun?

“You knew,” I hissed, cradling his head on my lap as I reached into my robes for the extra potion. “Drink this,” I insisted, holding the vile up to his pale lips.

Felix obeyed, consuming the potion before grinning up at me. “Are you furious with me, Y/N?”

“You absolute fool,” I said, resisting the urge to jostle the prince too much while he still fought to recover. “Why would you do something like that? It was poisoned.”

“But nobody would’ve ever known,” Felix said. “I do admire you, Y/N, but is it wise to stop the efforts of one plot when the same person might conceive of a dozen others?”

I sighed when I realized the wisdom of his words. “It’s a complicated matter,” I said, and the Prince narrowed his eyes.

I didn’t like the suspicious gleam in his gaze, especially when he leaned most of his weight against me for a closer examination. “You know who it is?” he asked, and his nose brushed against mine. 

“Don’t do this,” I pleaded with him because I knew that we were teetering precariously over dangerous ground with consequences that went beyond what either of us were prepared to face. It was a personal mattered that involved one of the King’s wives and her son - an issue that would lead to radical conflict.

“You won’t tell me,” Felix stated simply, and I thought I was in the clear until the prince opened his mouth again. “It must be very sinister. I’ll have to assume that it involved someone in that room.”

I swallowed hard and Felix smiled because I had just inadvertently given him the confirmation that he was seeking. “You shouldn’t meddle,” I warned him, shivering when his fingers traced along my lips.

“What I wouldn’t give to see inside that beautiful head of yours,” Felix said, and we both continued to stare at one another in awe.

But the moment was broken by the sounds of approaching footsteps, and I moved away from Felix just in time to see several guards running in our direction. “What’s wrong with him?” one of the guards demanded, and I hesitated because I had also noticed that most of the princes were arriving on the scene. 

There was every opportunity to stick to my original plan and keep everything incognito, but then Felix gave me a meaningful look, and I reluctantly relented. “He’s been poisoned.”

“Poisoned!” one of the guards exclaimed, and there was only chaos that followed. Just as I had suspected. But there were also Felix’s green eyes, and they managed to anchor me to the moment, even amidst all the noise and screaming. 

They were somehow reassuring, and I clung to them desperately when the King demanded my presence in the Throne Room.

It was an intimidating sight: kneeling before the King as he leered down at me from his throne. “Do you understand that you have no right to decide the fate of this Castle?”

I shivered at the underlying threat in his tone. “Your highness,” I said. “Forgive me. I thought it was best to solve this issue on my own as deemed by my duties.”

“Is this an admission of guilt?” The King asked. “Did you know what would happen before stepping inside that room?”

“Yes,” I said, closing my eyes and wondering if this would be my last day in the Castle.

“You knew of this plot but refused to speak up?” the King growled, and I lowered my head before him.

“Forgive me,” I once again requested softly. “I was afraid that revealing the complexities would cause the perpetrator to act out far more rashly.”

“My son almost died,” the King said, and I could see Minho shift in his seat from my peripheral vision. 

“My intention was to save him,” I said. “I wanted to let the assailant know that their plots will never work while I’m around to protect the royal family.”

The King was silent for a moment after my confession, and he considered me with a strange look. “I see,” he finally said. “I cannot punish you mage because your efforts saved Minho, but I must also give you a warning: the next time you learn of something so consequential, you will come to me and reveal everything.”

“Yes, your majesty,” I said, and I stood once more at his command. “I shall remember your words.”

“Very well,” the King said with a dismissive hand. “You may retire to your quarters.”

I made sure to offer him a polite bow before I was rapidly making my way out of the Throne Room - mind working a mile a minute. The brief intervention had allowed the the rare chance to speak to the King without his wives - one of which remained guilty of the plot to kill Minho. I could’ve spoken out against her, but there were far more complications to such an innocuous action.

Who would really believe me over the word of the Queen?

More importantly, would Felix say something about my hidden knowledge? Because he had somehow figured out that I was aware of the guilty party involved, and I had no doubt that he would question me in the future.

Yet, there were also more pressing matters to consider, such as the unexpected arrival of Minho who had somehow escaped the King’s notice. “Mage,” Minho interrupted, stopping me outside the throne room. “Could I have a word?”

“Of course, your highness,” I said, and I followed Minho as he led me further down the corridor to a quiet enclave.

“This is more private for our conversation,” Minho explained, and I was struck by the smile he gave me.

“I’m all ears, your grace,” I said, but Minho surprised me further by laughing, and he crowded me against the wall.

“I know you drank the tea to save me,” Minho said, and I startled when he reached out to touch the side of my face.

“Your highness,” I said, flushing at the unexpected contact. “W-what do you mean?”

“You don’t have to be coy with me, Y/N,” Minho said, and I gasped because it was the first time that he had ever used my real name. “I may not understand love, but I can tell when someone is trying hard to catch my attention.”

I nearly spluttered around my words when I caught onto his implication. “Y-you misunderstand-”

“Please don’t hide anymore,” Minho said, and I faltered at the desperation in his tone. “Perhaps when we get to know one another, I’ll consider bringing the prospect of marriage before my father.”

Marriage!? 

“You’re serious,” I said, and I struggled to form a single coherent sentence following Minho’s passionate declaration. 

“Shall we start tonight?” Minho continued as if I had never spoken, and his fingers burned a trail down the side of my face. 

It was obvious that he was lost to whatever perception he held of me, but I glanced to the side when I heard a noise that had not originated from myself or Minho. My eyes scanned the darkness, and I froze when I found myself caught in the snare of an intimate gaze. But I hesitated when I realized that those green irises belonged to Felix, and the look in his stare was impossible to discern.

[justawordwright]

Another plug for the Mechanisms Survey, looking to document the growth and recruitment in the mechs fandom! We’re about halfway through, and its got almost 500 responses! The data is definitely interesting, and backing up what I expected mostly.

A few things though:

-Don’t feel the need to answer questions which don’t apply to you/you aren’t comfortable answering. Unless they’re the key recruitment questions, they’re not mandatory for this reason. The data analysis tracks the number of responses per question, so you won’t throw things off by skipping stuff, and it means I don’t need to delete responses of N/A to get the right data

-Please don’t put your names in, this is supposed to be anonymous

-Do feel free to write anything in the last two questions, even about stuff that is otherwise outwith the scope of the survey. If people want a survey on the issues in the fandom, this will give a base for designing it.

-Sharing it around is super helpful in getting a more accurate sample of the fandom. There’s a link in the notes to the survey for tumblr sharing, and a link to twitter for sharing there - twitter is the place I’m struggling to get traction I think?

-The survey responses are editable if you want to change anything!

Anyway, many thanks for filling it out / sharing it about! It’ll be closing Jan 1st, with the data to hopefully to be published for the DTTM 1st anniversary on AO3. 

[dutchpagan]

Ogham - an introduction

So I may be Dutch, but there's interesting things to learn from all over the world and from all kinds of cultures. I've always had a love of the Irish ogham letters - probably since they're strongly connected to popular Celtic paganism, and to tree lore. Here's an introduction to the Ogham I wrote some years ago, that I think is still pretty accurate. Please let me know if you've any comments or questions!

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History About ten years ago I came across a book called Celtic Tree Mysteries by Steve Blamires. Now, I’m interested in Celtic stuff, and I love tree and mysteries, so this was the right book for me. Through this book (which in my humble opinion is quite a good start if you want to learn more about this subject) I learned about the Ogham alphabet. This early medieval Irish alphabet has become quite popular in modern Celtic Pagan and Druid circles, mostly as a means of divination, but also for other magical purposes.

As I said, the alphabet is early medieval Irish. It might have been developed when the first Christians came to Ireland and brought the concept of writing with them, but there is no actual proof of that. We have about 400 known inscriptions on stones, most of them names. The functions of these stones is unclear, but most researchers are of the opinion that they mark borders. Other uses of Ogham have been found in manuscripts, and these provide more insight.

Contemporary information on the Ogham is sparse; what has been written about it can be read in high medieval and late medieval manuscripts. These manuscripts are: The Book of Leinster (12th century) The Book of Ballymote (1391) The Book of Lecan (1416)

These manuscripts refer to older sources: The Scholar’s Primer, The Values of the Forfeda and the Book of Ogham. The Scholar’s Primer says that Ogham was only to be used by learned men – would they be monks or druids? The act of reading and writing was very elite in the early Middle Ages, so we can be sure that the average Irish farmer wouldn’t have been very familiar with Ogham.

The exact origin of Ogham isn’t known, but there some interesting myths and stories have been written down. In one of the manuscripts we find a legend about the origin of the Ogham: it was developed by Fenius Farsaidh, with the help of Goidel Mac Etheoir and Iar Mac Nema and a whole host of scholars. After the destruction of the Biblical Tower of Babel, Fenius went to search for the letters all over the world that together would make the most perfect language. Each letter was named after a linguist who best devoted his time to this task. Note that ‘Gaelic’ or ‘Goidelic’ (the name of the Irish language) comes from Goidel Mac Etheoir, one of the scholars that developed Ogham.

Apart from this legend, another link has been made by modern scholars with the Celtic Irish god Ogma, who may be compared to the Celtic Gallic god Ogmios. The names of these gods seem connected to Ogham (which, by the way, means something like ‘idea’ or ‘notion’). The Romans liked to compare foreign gods with their own gods and they dubbed Ogmios the ‘Celtic Hercules’, or at least an older version of their Hercules. According to these Roman sources, Ogmios was depicted as an old but strong man with one end of a chain through his tongue, the other end being attached to the ears of an eager public. This has been explained as the power of eloquence, or the power of words, in which the strength of this god lies. There is no direct connection between Ogham and Ogma/Ogmios, but could there be a divine element to the development of Ogham, keeping this part of mythology in mind?

Purpose and meaning The ancient Celts were mostly an illiterate people. It was the Roman world, and Christianity after that, that brought the written word to those parts in Europe that apparently had no use for it before. This is also the reason why we use the letters we have today instead of systems like the Ogham. Our letters are derived from Roman scripture, and more directly from the letters in medieval manuscripts (especially those made under Charlemagne). To be honest, Ogham isn’t a very practical script – so what was it used for?

Based on where the Ogham has been found, it appears that this alphabet had a few specific uses. First of all, as has already been noted above, Ogham has been found on standing stones, or monoliths. They are said to mark borders, and by doing that they also marked someone’s property. This might also be the reason why mostly names and short phrases (‘of the clan of x’, etc.) are found on these stones, instead of actual texts. There could also be some cryptic message in all this, since not many people were actually able to read Ogham, even in that time – but as far as I know this has been lost. Ogham that has been found in manuscripts seems to have a different function. It has mostly the purpose of learning, remembering and making connections.

But there are also certain stories in which the Ogham has a more magical purpose. From these old sagas we learn that Ogham was not only written down on stone, but also on wood. This is a material that doesn’t last, so there is no physical evidence, but it seems plausible that this was actually done in reality. There is even one instance where Ogham is written on metal. In the Book of Leinster we find an medieval legend in which an Ogham text on an iron ring around a stone says: ‘Whoever comes to this meadow, if he is armed, he is forbidden to leave this meadow without requesting single combat.’ The only thing stopping someone from simply leaving the meadow without a fight is the text itself – therefore it must hold some magical power. The semi-divine hero Cú Chulainn has another solution; he throws the stone away, with ring and all. In another instance, Cu Chulainn gives a small wooden spear to the king of Alba (Scotland) inscribed with Ogham – it says that the king is allowed to take Cú Chulainn’s seat at the court of Ulster.

There is slight evidence of the use of Ogham as divination in Irish myth, and this is what Ogham is used for today by many Celtic Pagans and Druids. In an Irish legend, a druid writes down Ogham letters on yew sticks and then uses them for divination, but it gives no further details.   Nowadays, what is most popular is to make a branch for every letter and then use this set of branches in several ways. This can be done by blindly drawing one or several sticks and then interpret the meaning of the letter(s). Another way is to throw the branches on ‘Finn’s Window’ (based on the round diagram that can be seen on the parchment page from the Book of Ballymote here depicted) and draw a meaning from how the branches fall.

The technical details So, after reading all this, you’re probably wondering what this Ogham alphabet actually looks like. I’m not a linguist, but I’ll give you an outlining that’ll hopefully give you more insight. The Ogham Alphabet doesn’t have the sort of letters that we are familiar with. Its essence is lines; smaller lines that are placed in a series across a longer line. Ogham can be found on standing stones, where this line goes from bottom to top (and from top to bottom on the other side) . It can also be found in parchment manuscripts, where it goes from left to right. The notches on the long line, the actual letters, are called feda, which means ‘wood’. Is this just a figural way of speaking, since the long vertical line on a stone with the notches on each side does sort of look like a tree?  Or is there more behind this? I don’t know this – then again, I can’t actually read Old Irish, excepts for the few words that are needed to understand the Ogham alphabet, so perhaps someone else can help me out here. On to the letters and their order:

B  L  F  S  N  H  D  T  C  Q  M G  nG St R A  O  U  E  I  EA  Oi  Ui  iO  AE

That makes 25 letters, of which the last five letters (the so called forfeda) were added at later times – so it appears the oldest version of Ogham had twenty letters.

Keeping these twenty letters in mind, there are four families/series, or aicmí (plural of aicme), that each contain five letters: Aicme Beithe, Aicme hÚatha, Aicme Muine, and Aicme Ailme. Note also that a neat quarter of these letters is a vowel and three quarters exits of consonants.

There is some confusion about the order of the first five letters. In many texts it says BLFSN, but in some other text it says BLNFS. As far as I know, it was Robert Graves in his famous book The White Goddess, who used the sequence of BLNFS first. This has probably to do with the poetic and mythological value he added to each letter, and also with his introduction of the so-called Ogham Tree Calendar. [The tree calendar gives a certain period or time of the year for each letter, e.g. 24 December – 20 January for Beithe. This is a strictly modern invention, though that shouldn’t say everything about its value.] The White Goddess has had a huge influence on many modern pagan and witchcraft traditions, and I think that it’s from this source that the BLNFS-sequence has seeped into the modern use of the Ogham alphabet. However, it seems that more historically authentic sources stick to BLFSN, so that’s the sequence I’m sticking with, too.

Some note about individual letters: iO was original P – for some reason this letter was replaced in later times, leaving the alphabet without a proper P-sound. AE was originally X or CH.

The ‘Tree Alphabet’ So what about the name ‘tree alphabet’? Actually, the Ogham was also a bird alphabet, colour alphabet, river alphabet, etc. It appears that there were many systems that were used for remembering the letters of the Ogham alphabet. Of all these systems (several hundreds, they say), the tree system has been most popular since early times. So, every letter got a tree attached to it, and by memorizing the trees, one was able to memorize the letters. A mnemonic aid of some sorts. Then again, we can’t rule out a deeper, perhaps even magical, meaning for using such a system.

The meaning of the letters connected to the trees was further developed in the uses of kennings, or phrases, known as the Bríatharogham. Three of these lists are known: Bríatharogham Morainn Mac Moín (who was a human judge) Bríatharogham Mac Oengus (god) Bríatharogham Cú Chulainn (semi-divine hero, we’ve already noted him in connection to the Ogham) The translations of these kennings can be found below, under each individual letter.

The separate letters

Beithe Literal meaning: birch, (a) being Letter: B Tree: birch (beithe) Book of Ballymote: Now Beithe has been named from the Birch owing to its resemblance to the trunk of that tree. Of withered trunk, fair-haired the Birch. Word Ogham of Morainn: Faded trunk and fair hair/withered foot with fine hair. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Browed beauty, worthy of pursuit/beauty of the eyebrow. Word Ogham of Oengus: Most silver of skin/greyest of skin.

Luis Literal meaning: flame, herb Letter: L Tree: rowan (caertheand) Book of Ballymote: Luis is named from Mountain Ash (caertheand) as it is the old Gaelic name for rowan. [Delightful] for eyes is Mountain Ash owing to the beauty of its berries. Word Ogham of Morainn: Delight of eye, quicken-tree; to whit, the flame/luster of the eye. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Strength of cattle/sustenance of cattle. Word Ogham of Oengus: Friend of cattle.

Fearn Literal meaning: alder Letter: F Tree: alder (fearn) Book of Ballymote: Fearn, Alder, the van of the warrior band for thereof are the shields. Word Ogham of Morainn: Shield of warrior bands, owing to their redness/vanguard of warriors. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Protection of the heart, a shield/protection of the heart. Word Ogham of Oengus: Guarding of milk, or milk bucket/milk container.

Saille Literal meaning: willow Letter: S Tree: Willow (saille) Book of Ballymote: Tthe colour of a lifeless one that is, it has no colour, owing to the resemblance of the colour to a dead person. Word Ogham of Morainn: Hue of the lifeless/pallor of a lifeless one. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Beginning of loss, willow/beginning of honey. Word Ogham of Oengus: Strength of bees/sustenance of bees.

Nion Literal meaning: branch fork, loft Letter: N Tree: ash (uinnius) Book of Ballymote: Nion, Ash-tree, a check on peace is Nion for of it are made the spear-shafts by which the peace is broken. Word Ogham of Morainn: Checking of peace/establishing of peace. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Flight of beauty, a weaver’s beam/boast of beauty. Word Ogham of Oengus: The flight of women/boast of women.

hUuath Literal meaning: horror, fear Letter: (silent) H Tree: white thorn Book of Ballymote: A meet of hounds is Huath (whitethorn), or because it is formidable owing to its thorns. Word Ogham of Morainn: Pack of wolves/assembly of pack of hounds. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Difficult night, hawthorn/most difficult at night. Word Ogham of Oengus: Whitening of face/blanching of faces.

Duir Literal meaning: oak Letter: D Tree: oak (duir) Book of Ballymote: Duir, Oak, higher than bushes is an oak. Word Ogham of Morainn: highest of bushes/highest tree Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Kneeling work, bright and shining work/most carved of craftmanship Word Ogham of Oengus: Craft work/handicraft of a craftsmanship.

Tinne Literal meaning: metal bar, ingot. Letter: T Tree: holly (cuileand) Book of ballymote: A third of a wheel is Tinne, because holly is one of the three timbers of the chariot wheel. Word Ogham of Morainn: Third of a wheel/one of three parts of a wheel. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: A third of weapons, an iron bar/one of three parts of a weapon. Word Ogham of Oengus: Fires of coal/marrow of (char)coal.

Coll Literal meaning: hazel Letter: C Tree: hazel (coll) Book of Ballymote: Coll, that is everyone is eating of its nuts. Word Ogham of Morainn: Fairest of trees/fairest tree. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Sweetest of woods, a nut/sweetest tree. Word Ogham of Oengus: Friend of cracking/friend of nutshells

Quert Literal meaning: bush Letter: Q Tree: apple (aball) Book of Ballymote: Shelter of a wild hind is is Quert, that is, an apple tree. Word Ogham of Morainn: Shelter of a hind, lunatic or death/sense [the time when a lunatic’s sense comes back to him]/shelter of a lunatic. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Excellent emblem, protection/dregs of clothing. Word Ogham of Oengus: Force of a man/substance of an insignificant person.

Muin Literal meaning: not certain – neck, ruse/trick, love/esteem Letter: M Tree: vine (finemhain) Book of Ballymote: Highest of beauty is Muin, that is, because it grows aloft. That is, a vine-tree. Word Ogham of Morainn: Highest of beauty, strongest of effort, Muin equals back of man or ox for it is they in existence that are strongest as regards effort./strongest in exertion. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Pack of wolves with spears, three vines/path of the voice. Word Ogham of Oengus: The condition of slaughter/proverb of slaughter.

Gort Literal meaning: field (as in: garden) Letter: G Tree: ivy (edind) Book of Ballymote: Gort, that is ivy, greener than pastures is ivy. Word Ogham of Morainn: Greenest of pastures, sweeter than grasses, due to associations with corn fields/sweetest grass. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Pleasing oil, corn/sating of multitudes. Word Ogham of Oengus: Size of a warrior/suitable place for cows.

nGetal Literal meaning: slaying Letter: nG Tree: broom (cilcach) Book of Ballymote: nGetal, broom or fern, a physician’s strength is broom. Word Ogham of Morainn: A physician’s strength, panacea equals broom/sustenance of a leech. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: beginning of heroic deeds, healing/beginning of slaying. Word Ogham of Oengus: Robe of physicians/raiment of physicians.

Straiph, Literal meaning: sulphur Letter: St Tree: blackthorn (draighin) Book of Ballymote: The hedge of a stream is straiph, that is, blackthorn. Word Ogham of Morainn: Careful effort, strongest of red, straiph equals sloe which gives strong red dye on metal/strongest reddening (dye). Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: An arrow’s mist, smoke drifting up from the fire/seeking of clouds. Word Ogham of Oengus: Increasing of secrets/increase of secrets.

Ruis Literal meaning: red Letter: R Tree: elder (trom) Book of Ballymote: The redness of shame is Ruis, that is, elder. Word Ogham of Morainn: intensest of blushes, it I reddening of a man’s face through the juice of the herb being rubbed on it/most intense blushing. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Arduous anger, punishment/glow of anger. Word Ogham of Oengus: redness of faces/reddening of faces.

Ailm Literal meaning: pine (?) Letter: A Tree: fir or pine Book of Ballymote: Ailm, a fir tree, a pine tree. Word Ogham of Morainn: Loudest of groanings, that is, wondering. Ailm or A for that is what a man says while groaning in disease or wonder/loudest groan. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Beginning of the weaver’s beams, ahh/beginning of calling. Word Ogham of Oengus: Beginning of answers/beginning of an answer.

Onn Literal meaning: ash-tree Letter: O Tree: furze (aiten) Book of Ballymote: Onn that is furze. Word Ogham of Morainn: Helper of horses, wheels of a chariot, equally wounding; whin/wounder of horses. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Strength of warriors, fierceness/[equipment]  of warriorbands. Word Ogham of Oengus: Gentlest of work/smoothest of craftsmanship.

Ur Literal meaning: earth, clay, soil Letter: U Tree: heather (fraech) Book of Ballymote: Ur, that is heath. Word Ogham of Morainn: Terrible tribe, in cold dwellings; mould of the earth, or heath/in cold dwellings. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Completion of lifelessness, the grave/shroud of a lifeless one. Word Ogham of Oengus: Growing of plants/propagation of plants.

Edhad Literal meaning: unknown Letter: E Tree: aspen (crithach) Book of Ballymote: Horrible grief, that is, test tree or aspen. Word Ogham of Morainn: Distinguished man or wood/discerning tree. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Kinsman to the birch, aspen/brother of birch (?) Word Ogham of Oengus: Additional name for a friend/exchange of friends.

Idhad Literal meaning: yew-tree (?) Letter: I Tree: yew (idhad) Book of Ballymote: Yew. Word Ogham of Morainn: Oldest of woods, service tree, yes/oldest tree Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: strength or colour of a sick man, people or an age/energy of an infirm person. Word Ogham of Oengus: Abuse for an ancestor or pleasing consent/fairest of the ancients.

Ebad Literal meaning: unknown Letter: EA Tree: apsen (critchach) Word Ogham of Morainn: Fair-swimming letter. Word Ogham of Cú Chulainn: Fairest fish. Word Ogham of Oengus: [admonishing?] of an infirm person.

Óir Literal meaning: gold Letter: OI Tree: spindle-tree or ivy (feorus, edind) Word Ogham of Morainn: Most venerable substance. Word Ogham of Oengus: Splendour of form.

Uillen Literal meaning: elbow Letter: UI Tree: honeysuckle (edleand) Word Ogham of Morainn: Fragnant tree. Word Ogham of Oengus: Great elbow/cubit.

Iphín Literal meaning: spine, thorn (?) Letter: IO Tree: gooseberry or thorn (spinan, ispin) Word Ogham of Morainn: Sweetest tree. Word Ogham of Oengus: Mostwonderful taste.

Emancholl Literal meaning: twin of hazel Letter: AE Word Ogham of Morainn: Groan of a sick person. Word Ogham of Oengus: Groan of a sick person

[onepunchman]

Dr. Stone first impressions

Finally got around to checking out the first few chapters of Dr. Stone! I was really excited to see Riichiro Inagaki back after so long, and I hope he gets to keep working. (scuttlebutt is that it’s been well-recieved, so hopefully it gets to stay on after the jump start!). Boichi’s art I’m still on the fence about? The dude can draw, but his character designs are so far either kind of bland or unappealing to me. But we’ve also only met a few characters and we’re still very early on, so I’m willing to give the style time to grow on me if we see more.

It’s a shonen, and those are always tough to judge on the first few chapters, but let’s see what we can make of it anyway.

The Premise

The story starts in the modern day, but the world is suddenly struck by a very strange apocalypse: every human on earth suddenly turns to stone.

They go all the fuck out on this this by the way. All the cars on busy roads with no drivers to hit the breaks? Massive deadly pileup. Currently airborne planes? Fucking obliterated. Probably millions of people end up shattered. rough

People who weren’t traveling at high speeds got a bit luckier. Everyone’s frozen in place... for some 3700 years. This is when we pick up again, as the first humans begin to return to normal.

This is a really interesting setup for a post-apocalypse story I think! Mainly because it gets us to a “world without humans” without some kind of catastrophic conflict, so our few survivors are not selected by the brutal violence of people fighting over the remains of a dying world. There’s a lot of possible character variety here.

Fuck the premise though, shonen lives and dies on its characters, who are our heroes?

The Cast

Taiju

Starts off very conventional shonen hero type. Brash, impulsive, but also he’s been holding in a confession of love to his childhood friend for like 5 years. The 5 years turns into thousands when he gets cockblocked by the apocalypse. He survives and depetrifies out of sheer force of will and single-minded focus on his desire to save The Girl. Not sure what to think of him yet. There’s always such a thin line with this archetype between lovable and insufferable.

From Eyeshield 21, I know that Inagaki really loves shonen tropes. He will mess around with and subvert them for fun and profit but he’s also not shy about playing that power of friendship+fighting spirit stuff 100% straight and getting readers to happily come along for the ride. I am encouraged by the fact that they’re pretty much stating the typical stuff flat-out: Taiju is all guts, his endurance is exceptional and not much else is (except his PURE HEART). These are givens, not things that are going to be presented as ~revelations~ after he gets tested for 3 arcs. He’s not being presented as “typical high school boy gets thrown into adventure!” he’s a weirdo right off the bat. I’m hoping that’s a signal that we’ll focus on other things as we learn more about him. Only time will tell.

Senkuu

A friend(?) of Taiju’s and very much his opposite. Cool-headed and exceptionally intelligent. He survives through careful concentration, and even keeps an accurate count of time and depetrifies at a seasonally ideal time. If this manga gets picked up, whether or not I continue to follow it will probably depend on how this guy gets developed. Anime Genius™ characters are some of my favorites but also some of the easiest to fuck up horribly. I know Inagaki knows how to write this type of character in an entertaining way. He wrote fucking Hiruma after all. But it’s not gonna stop me from being nervous. Speaking of the devil, there are a lot of things Senkuu has in common with his pointier predecessor that make the comparison inevitable: the percentage-based verbal tics, capricious attitude, the aggressively stupid hair. They even share some of the subtler things, like recognizing and valuing strengths in others that he doesn’t have, even though he’s still smug as shit about his own intelligence. But there are also enough differences apparent already that I’m confident he’ll come into his own given some time. Hiruma wasn’t the only smart or even “anime-smart” character in Eyeshield, so I don’t think Inagaki’s a one-trick pony in this regard. There’s a lot of potential in this character, both for subtle character moments and high-powered anime gimmicks, I really want to see where he goes. P A R A L L E L I Z E  Y O U R  T H I N K I N G

It’s a really promising start! The two leads play off each other well enough, and there are a lot of little details that could be really interesting if they pay off. I’m mostly interested in what might happen as the ensemble grows and antagonists show up. I really hope this gets picked up for an ongoing run and I can live in a world where both of the eyeshield bros are working again. ♥

[flower-mist]

Ur gonna hate me but all of the crayon asks. Have fun!!!

*inhales* bOI

(ily)

answers are under the readmore bc l o n g

Macaroni and Cheese: What makes you think of your childhood?

crayons, ofc! also 2000s music (esp disney), yearbook photos, capri suns, those ice pop things that come in clear plastic, cedar point, the kid’s fantasy section at barnes and noble, i could keep talking for like 12 years

Spring Green: How do you relax when you’re stressed?

i read! i read so, so much. writing also helps, but it’s hard to make myself do it bc Issues™. i also watch an excessive amnt of john oliver

Asparagus: What’s an unpopular opinion you have?

listen, hot sauce on mac in cheese is so good

Bittersweet: Has someone you loved ever hurt you?

h*ck yeah 

Eggplant: Explain your url and avatar.

my url is a flower that means courage! and my avatar is that flower

Outer Space: Do you ever feel like you’re an outcast from others?

H*CK YEAH

Cotton Candy: What is your favorite dessert?

i will eat approximately 50 macarons if no one stops me 

Freckle: Do you have any marks on your skin? How do you feel about them?

i have a birthmark and a scar on my back from when i slid down a wall (long story) and freckles! idk i like all of them i guess, as much as i can like my body

Shocking Pink: Is there a trait that you have that others don’t expect from you?

when ppl first meet me they never expect me to swear as much as i do, idk why

Robin’s Egg Blue: If you were an animal, which one do you think would you be?

probably a cat? i took a test once and it told me i was a dik dik but like,, i want to be able to protect people, so a lion or a fox or smth would be chill

Granny Smith Apple: What’s something everyone else likes that you don’t?

WHY DO YOU ALL LIKE PEANUT BUTTER I DON’T UNDERSTAND

Dandelion: What’s a pet peeve of yours?

i rly rly rly don’t like the sound of people eating tho idk whether to file that under “sensory issue” or “pet peeve”

Atomic Tangerine: What gets you motivated to do a difficult task?

a time restriction, someone i care a lot about depending on it, spite

Wisteria: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

im really really good at writing gothic post style things

Candy Apple: How do you think others view you?

l m a o y i k e s 

Plum: Are you insecure about anything?

im insecure about everything but one of the places im most insecure is whether or not people like me

Sky Blue: Where do you feel the most at home?

with the people i love most

Tickle Me Pink: How do you try to cheer others up when they’re sad?

being there to listen, sending them cute animals or memes, writing things for them, etc

Wild Strawberry: Do you care what others think about you?

wayyyy too much

Glossy Grape: Recommend something to your followers.

WATCH VOLTRON PLS I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABT IT

World Wide Web Yellow: What was the last thing you looked up?

“john oliver”

Shadow Blue: Do you have a darker side to you that most people are unaware of?

im not really sure what “darker” means but probably?

Electric Lime: What genre of music do you listen to?

literally everything tho im not super into hardcore country

Night Owl: Describe a very interesting dream that you had.

i rarely remember my dreams but one time i was definitely on a quest to save the world and i broke into a building via a roof

that’s all i remember abt it

Cornflower: What do you think about the most?

dogs and how much i love them

Grasshopper Green: Describe the area where you live.

my dad’s house is part of a complex of town homes. all the houses are very white, and there’s neatly trimmed park areas in between. my favorite part of this area is by the highway where the wildflowers grow. they cut down the last of the woods last year

Misty Moss: Is there anything you regret?

yes

Tiny Toad Brown: Do you find beauty in something that people consider to be ugly or undesirable?

snakes are pretty!!!! dont hate on snakes!!!!!!!!! unless you have a genuine fear of them bc thats valid but don’t be petty its not cool!!!!!!!

Sunny Side Up: Do you like waking up in the mornings, or would you rather sleep in?

i love waking up in the morning but i usually mess up my sleep schedule too much to be able to do it

Kitten Gray: Do you have any pets? If so, describe them.

I HAVE TWO CATS THEY ARE LARGE AND FLUFFY AND KIND OF ACT LIKE DOGS AND NOT THAT SMART BUT I LOVE THEM SOMETIMES THEY PURR AT ME AND IM A SUCCESS

Rose Dust: Describe your aesthetic in five words or less.

stardust, honey, rain, old books (hopefully)

Timberwolf: Do you give second chances when somebody has wronged you?

depends on how far they went

Freshly Squeezed: What excites you?

literally everything im interested in bc i get super invested in things and also my friends being excited about something 

Firefly Red: What gives you purpose?

the people i love, fear, spite, laughter, ice cream

Tiny Teapot Tan: Do you consider yourself to be attractive/cute?

lmao no

im okay sometimes but like, that’s rare

Rain Drop Blue: Describe the weather outside.

it is currently cloudy as fuck and also cold

Sweet Pea Green: Do you have/want children?

i don’t think im in a place where i can make that decision for myself yet

Pussywillow: Do you like being around others, or do you like being alone?

yes and no? social situations are very draining for me bc anxiety/introversion, but i absolutely love spending time w my close friends

Jack ‘O’ Lantern Orange: What’s your biggest fear and why?

highkey not gonna talk about that on a public forum

Baby Bunny Pink: Do you look young for your age, or do you look older than you are?

one time i went to get the oil changed for my car and the person at the counter asked me if i was 12

Mystic Maroon: What confuses you, and why?

people confuse me bc 

people

Cosmic Cobalt: What’s your zodiac sign, and do you think it’s accurate?

pisces! and it’s a very very good fit for me

Petal Pink: Describe your fashion sense as well as what you’re wearing right now.

idk rn it’s mostly sweaters and plaid and converse? but my style differs a lot based on gender stuff so idkkkkkk

Mountain Meadow: Do you like taking care of others, or do you prefer being care of?

yes?

Fuzzy Duckling Yellow: Is there something from childhood that you haven’t outgrown?

literally everything i will never outgrow my childhood

Brussel Sproutlet: Do you have any unhealthy habits?

*gestures to all of me*

Razzle Dazzle Rose: Describe an ideal date.

yikes this is hard bc like

okay this is going to sound rly rly stupid but im good with almost anything just so long as im spending time with the person?

i guess doing anything that makes them comfortable/happy

that was such a non-answer, ill come up with a real one at some pt

Periwinkle: What’s something ordinary that has personal meaning to you?

my necklace is gr8

Mauvelous: Do you think you deserve a better life than you have now?

probably not

Blueberry Blue: Do you get sad easily?

h*ck yeah

Purple Mountains Majesty: How does someone earn your respect?

by treating others with respect and kindness

holy shit that was so many but thank u!!!

jonathon took all of these so here are more questions if you want to ask some

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE TEN - “I’M THE JAIDEN WHISPERER “ - JC

Tribal council certainly was interesting tonight. I wonder what caused Samantha to use her onion necklace on me... I'm actually kind of pissed off that she did that, even though I had voted for her in the first place. It makes me think that that knew I had voted for her or something, which is what caused the vote to flip around. Isaac and Jordan and Andrew all really fucked up and Jordan paid the price for it. I kind of wish that someone had played their idol for Jordan just to see their reaction when Andrew ends up getting the boot, so now I'm pretty sure one of them have it. Jake missed out on a ton of stuff which wouldn't have been vastly different if he had stuck around instead of going off to exile. From now on, I won't stray from the alliance. It's pretty obvious that they all were going to wake-up and start playing only when it became convenient to them all, and that's why Jordan got voted off. They were going to use my vote for Zack against me in the future to help Zack flip against me or something? Power move, good job losers. I'm going to completely own up to voting for Sam B as soon as possible. I have no doubt that she got the same advantage that I had and checked to see if I was intending on flipping on the alliance. But wouldn't that have sent me out instead of Jordan??? Who honestly knows. It changes a lot in the game now and I'm pretty pissed off that this all went downhill as quickly as it did, because now I need to make a massive apology to Samantha for voting for her. I don't know what I'll say, but I'll need to think of something. And quick.

OK SO BITCH SO!! That tribal was i n s a n e! Zack approached me at like 9:40 telling me that my weird suspicions were right and that people were trying to make a move to take me out. Apparently Isucc/Boredan/AndrEW approached Sam Bussy asking her to vote me out. Now what worries me is that she did not tell me about them approaching her, Zack did. So she must have been at least considering it? Idk her and Isaac are relatively close and ik she was worried about whether or not Isaac would be mad at her if she voted Jordan instead of me. But anyways I'm like oh boo not today, not today! Like I was really unworried by their bumasses because I'm like girls, I have an idol, a vote negator, AND Sam told me about her blood bracelet that had to be played at that tribal, so I was just like might as well just get her to play that on me so I don't need to use anything. So like I got Sam to switch her blood thing from Jaiden to me after she used a vote sneak in order to see who Isaac really voted for and turned out he truly did vote for me! How cute. Like I don't know why these little boys came for me but they did, like I was not a threat I feel like my game has been shit but ok I guess just keep pushing me to be better huh?! Oh, and apparently Jaiden voted for Samantha to try to stir up distrust between Zack and I and cause rifts in the alliance. But then later he switched it to Andrew because he was getting nervous I guess? Idk I don't buy it but knowing Jaiden it's highly possible. But I'm like atm I want to take out Isaac/Andrew before taking out Jaiden because they both actually voted me with intents of getting me out and for that they need to go, especially as Isaac probably has an idol. Like I feel like he was gonna play it on Jordan but changed his mind last minute after Sam played her bracelet on me. and like now I'm worried because it's only f8 and I have a target on my back. Totally not what I wanted at this stage in the game! I have to really work hard to keep myself safe because my advantages don't make me invincible. I need to make FTC in this game and it's most likely going to be a f2 since jury started at f11 rifpp. I hate f2's! But yeah I just have to keep fighting and look at the bright sides, like I solidified loyalty and cleansed paranoia between my relationships with Sam and Zack, I still have an idol and I'm still fighting. My game plan honestly is to go to my sponsors and get them to buy vote sneaks for me because that would be heavily beneficial to see who's voting who.

Samantha is on my birthday shitlist, basically. I still don't trust her so I spilled the beans to JC about her maybe sorta considering voting for Zack. Also that she played the onion necklace on me. Regardless, someone knows that I voted for her. And now I'm out for blood! I will absolutely expose her vote at the next tribal council, AND I'll make I think my priority to send her right to the bottom of the alliance like she deserves at this point. Samantha if you're reading this and you're like, you're completely wrong Jaiden, then that's your fault for playing the onion necklace on me (envy) But I still love you outside of this whole game...but I still hope you get seventh place. Sorry not sorry. I'm going to CONTINUE to hammer in the idea that FLIPPERS NEVER WIN. If you flip on the alliance, enjoy losing solely because of a bitter jury :)

Me trying to escape the SNAKES who voted me last week and may try to again http://suprchnk.tumblr.com/post/152885516750

Later...

Omg poor Sam she's coming up with all these cracked out theories of where the idol could be that are actually kind of wildly accurate (she thought the idol may be hidden in the beach bc of the moodboard Amir made her having many sea themes, and it was in the beach), but the idol is in my pocket akxhxbabz. Maybe I should tell her...idk aaaa!!!

so to #catch up on my messy ass game, i was exiled for a round and apparently things got even more messy. i honestly barely understand what happened bc no one wants to give me a full story but yeah jordan lelft which was my contract thing?? no idol clue for me rip. but now i guess a lot of people want my vote which is nice. zack told me that jaiden was telling people that i was threatening bc of my comp wins in generations, neverland, and sarawak and its so annoying!! like bitch u think i have time in my life to dedicate to these immunity challenges like i could in gens when i had 24/7 of my summer dedicated to it?? bitch?? and u went against me ONCE in sarawak and look how that turned out. haha they never learn, do they? there's already talk about getting jaiden out and i'd be MORE than delighted to send his ass packing bc i literally cannot DEAL with him targeting me for no reason A G A I N!!!!! jaiden: jake won immunities in gens everyone: omg :O hes laying low… me: i literally just have no time to dedicate to this game god these fucking freaks. anyway i cant stand most of these ppl.. andrew is honestly my son and i love him so i dont want him to go. and it was nice to hear zack wants isaac and jaiden out back to back bc that protects lil andrew. i dont even talk to andrew like ever but for some reason hes the only one i trust bc ik he only has like isaac in the game. i dont trust either of the sams. especially sam g?? that girl is like killin it i feel like everyone is just following her around. have barely spoken to her but shes doing her thing. i hope i can get her out soon but literally no one wants to make a move against her. props to her i guess. i want JC gone soon, he's so transparent and fake and ldskjfghkj yeah i don't like dealing with it. i mean i'm fake right back so i mean dflksgjhdklfjgh me. unless i get lucky with immunities im gonna have to rely on keeping a low profile and telling people im doing nothing (which is partly true, i did do THAT at the allison vote). a lot of people are telling me they like me so... that's good! the more ppl who like me the better!!! i like zack a lot i hope the f3 is me zack and andrew but one can dream huh!

Soo last tribal was WILD! I was gunna just play my bracelet on Jaiden and say it was because he's always a target so to put his mind at ease for once blah blah blah but then like 15 minutes before tribal JC comes to me freaking out about people voting for him and he needs the bracelet blah blah blah, so I asked Isaac who he voted for and he told me Jordan. Then just to make sure I played my map of the arena and checked out Isaacs vote and found out THAT LYING SNAKE VOTED FOR JC!! So I played my bracelet on JC even though they only got 3 votes, Jordan got 4, and Andrew got 1. Also apparently that 1 for Andrew WAS for Sam B but then Sam looked at Jaidens vote and played her onion necklace on him meaning he can't vote for her until the final 6? Or after the final 6? Either way I was really expecting this to cause distrust in our 5 but apparently it still hasn't? I'm so shook that we're all still voting together but like maybe I'll be proven wrong tonight? We'll see. Either way we're al so dysfunctional and terrible at communication so I mean how are we doing this?? I was hoping to save Andrew and Isaac but apparently people want Andrew out. Hopefully he has an idol but he'd idol out Jaiden and not Sam B which kind of stinks. But anyways I'm waiting for more exciting stuff to happen this tribal because last time was the first exciting tribal in a while. This merge has been pretty yawn and frankly I'm part of the problem.

I wasn't going to talk about it but I need to post a confessional and the reason I'm feeling the way I am is tied into personal stuff and it won't make sense unless I explain it to you so here it goes. I've just been feeling extremely shitty about myself recently and just overall really lonely. Like in the past two weeks I've felt like my friends have been doing whatever they can not to talk to me. It's irrational but it's how I've felt. But Jordan and Samantha B were mostly there and they helped everything by just being there and talking to me. So yeah I've taken his elimination pretty hard. According to many sources Samantha B was the one who told Jc that it was them who was getting votes and caused Jordan's elimination and the idol play. I was really apprehensive about believing anyone because I thought there was no way she'd do that to me like we've became closer friends since this game started, but then she admitted to it. I'm not going to lie I'm hurt But this is a game and we're supposed to play to win so thank you Sam B for waking me up. I'm NOT going to lay down and die if I go out tonight I'll go out trying to get as far as I can. Is this the second coming of Despairsaac? Maybe. But Jesus Christ I'm tired of these people telling me what I will and will not do. Fuck them. 

I've made it so far in the game without wanting to make any big moves, so tonight I'll make one. If I get rocked out, then #legend. If I get blindsided by the entire tribe, then so be it. But I had to stand up and do something, because fifth place just wasn't going to cut it. I wanna win, damnit. People can respect someone who went against the grain and made a move, right? I surely will receive Andrew and Isaac's respect if this doesn't work out. The plan is to vote for Sam G. If she plays an idol, Andrew goes home and I look like a chump. If anyone gets pissed, they will either flip their vote to her, or they will draw rocks and leave it up to chance. Either way, I get what I want. I'll be okay with leaving tonight if that's what happens, because at least I did something... I just dont want to go 7-1 because everyone was pissed off.

Okay so truthfully this game I've felt like I'm the Jaiden Whisperer. He's like completely wild and messy in this game but I feel like I've been able to direct it to things I want, or at least work with the insanity. But it's coming to the point where he's really rubbing people the wrong way, Zack and Jakey both want to vote him and Sam Bussy probably would too if she hadn't played the onion on him. Not only that but Isaac and Andrew both wanna vote him too!! That's 4 which is enough to tie, and jaidens dumb ass might vote for Jakey instead of Isaac!! Mess omg. I totally feel bad to be campaigning for Isaac/Andrew to go, but like what choice do I have after they came for me first? I feel like it'd be dumb to vote out either jakey or Jaiden because they're both good for my game and the others are most probably not! OMFG NOW JAIDENS TALKING TO JAKE ABOUT GOING TO ROCKS WHAT IN THE FUCK OMFGGGGG KILL ME. He needs to freaking rest before his ass gets sent home!! This vote is honestly the largest fucking mess, we have Jaiden who wants to vote out Jakey, Jakey who wants to vote out Jaiden, Zack who wants to vote out Isaac only if not Jaiden, Samantha who I think wants to vote out Isaac or Andrew and Sam G who wants to vote out Samantha later but Jakey now. KILL ME WHY CANT WE JUST VOTE ONE OF ISAAC/ANDREW OUT HNNNNG I TOLD JAIDEN TO JUST STAY SEATED AND TO NOT CAUSE DRAMA WHEN HE ASKED ME IF HE SHOULD MESSAGE PEOPLE BECAUSE I KNEW EVERYONE WAS ON THEIR LAST STRAWS WITH HIM AND WHAT DOES HE DO??? DOESNT LISTEN AT ALL!! OMG I CANT HONESLEE Like bitCH WHY DID JAKEY SEND ME THIS: [12/7/16, 7:32:21 PM] j a i d e n: but I don't think I can win against my alliance and I know they're coming for you once it gets down to it [12/7/16, 7:32:40 PM] j a i d e n: you, me, Isaac, Andrew vote for one of them, and they vote for one of Andrew/Isaac FUCK IT HES LEAVING TONIGHT EVERYONE WANTS HIS HEAD ON A STICK EXCEPT PROBABLY SAM B AND FHATS JUST BECAUSE SHE PLAYED HER ONION ON HIM UGHHH I LOVE YOU JAIDEN BUT WHAT CAN I DO YOU PUSHED IT

I feel soooo bad about lying to Isaac. I really want to work with him and get Jaiden out but there just aren't numbers for that. Me, Isaac, Andrew, and Jakey is only 4. All that would do is tie it. But Jaiden has been super messy lately, especially with jakey, so hopefully Jc will read the message jakey sends him from jaiden and will realize that jaiden is a horrible player. Like honestly I love jaiden as a person but he is messy af when it comes to spilling information. And not even information, its anything. Jaiden tells so many lies, for no reason it seems like. This is just super messy. As much as I love jc and zack, I think I want to work with Isaac and Andrew from now on. But I just hope they trust me enough to let me do that.

So way too much has happened/is happening for like a paragraph based confessional, so here's a lot of bullets of whats happened bc I'm an organized hoe. -Zack wins immunity and Isaac and I are like fuck what do we do -It seemingly looks like Isaac, Sam B, and I are on the outs -We find out that it's between Isaac and I -Sam G tells me that Sam B is the one who leaked to JC that they were going so that Sam G could play her idol on them and get out Jordan -Isaac doesn't wanna believe it but Sam B sketches me out -The 3 of us still decide anyway that we need 5 votes to take out Jaiden bc that's the easiest target -Zack and I have gotten surprisingly close and he doesn't want me going -Zack wants Jaiden out -I go to Jakey and ask about getting out Jaiden and he's down -I go to bed and we seemingly have 5 votes to eliminate Jaiden -I come home today to find I'm the name being thrown around and Jaiden is the one to tell me -Sam B is being very sketchy in the alliance chat -She then admits to Isaac that she told JC they were getting votes and apologized but has ultimately lost our trust -We now don't know what the vote is going to be and scramble -Jaiden comes to Isaac and I saying he will go to rocks for me if we can get Jakey on our side -He makes a chat and the 4 of us agree to vote either Sam G or JC bc Jaiden cannot vote Sam B -We decide on Sam G so that someone may be more willing to flip on her rather than JC in a tie vote -Sam G and JC suddenly wanna work with Isaac and I again and want to vote out Jaiden who wants to help Isaac and I also -Jaiden might be doing the rocks plan more for himself/to make chaos -Jakey also makes the point that Isaac, himself, and I will be in minority next week if we vote out Jaiden -I ask him if he thinks Zack would flip to us and he doesn't think so and asks if I would sacrifice Isaac next round -I don't wanna do that and ask if Zack might flip on Sam G and JC to break up the duo at final 7 So now I'm at a conflict. Jaiden wants to go to rocks for us. But that might be to create chaos. Idk where Sam B is voting but she might be voting me but now people wanna vote Jaiden. So if it does tie and we vote with Jaiden, then it could tie between Jaiden and Sam G and then they're safe from rocks of I flip on Jaiden. So Jaiden might be doing this to save his own ass because according to Sam G, Jaiden thinks I'm voting him anyway. So I have no fucking clue what to do. We all helped build a web of lies and now everyone is running up a different thread. And it's utter chaos. And I need to make the move that I think will help me advance to the end after this if I stay tonight.

Later...

Okay I also left out that Jake revealed the rock plan to Sam G and JC, so now Sam G knows she might be getting votes and Jaiden might play his thing on me to reveal my vote before he votes and if he sees I didn't vote Sam G, then he'll be suspicious. And he might have an idol so idk. I think I'll vote Sam G anyway in the case that either Jaiden sees how I votes and pulls some sketchy shit, or the rock plan actually goes down. I asked Sam G if she cares if I vote her so Jaiden isn't sus but she doesn't wanna be potentially idoled out. I'm gonna tell her I'm throwing to Sam B, but I'll vote her anyway. I just have to to be safe. Wish me luck™.

im voting for jaiden since hes a mess and my alliance wants him gone. I'll explain more in my next confessional. im gonna take a nap