#hope u like it allie ily!! 💛

[hartigays]

“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.” + harringrove (please sarah give me that good content)

billy takes a drag from his cigarette, exhaling out of steve’s bedroom window. the air outside is crisp and cool, and there’s already a fine layer of dew covering everything. it glimmers whenever it catches in the moonlight.

“what’re you doing up?” steve mumbles from behind him.

billy turns, watching steve stretch lazily before tucking his hands back under his pillow. steve gazes at him through half-lidded eyes, not fully awake yet.

“couldn’t sleep.”

steve blinks a couple of times before yawning and sitting up. “nightmares again?”

billy just shrugs. he did have nightmares, there’s no doubt about that. but tonight’s had been different. they’d felt so real, and far too plausible.

steve swings his legs over the side of the bed, then stands and pads across the carpet. when he gets close, billy can’t help his flinch. but steve knows what to do on nights like these. instead of pressing close to billy and holding on tight, he leans against the windowsill, opposite billy, leaving a comfortable distance between them.

“do you want to talk about it?” steve asks softly, his expression carefully neutral. calm.

billy doesn’t. he really, really doesn’t. but he should, billy knows that. maybe if he can work himself up to it, it won’t be so bad.

it’s just. this shit, tonight, had really hit him where it hurt. just thinking about it has billy’s hand going to his right flank, ghosting over the thick, grotesque scars just below the material of his shirt.

it’d started out the way his dreams always do. starcourt, being trapped inside of himself and not being able to get out. the monster, or shadow, or whatever the hell it was, plunging its claws into his flesh from all angles.

but then it’d changed. suddenly, billy was here, in steve’s bed. he’d thought for a moment that he’d woken up. but then he’d noticed steve sitting up straight, staring at him with this unreadable look on his face.

billy had tried to take his hand, tried to ask him what was up. but steve had just given him this impassive look. had said who could ever want you, like this? while gesturing to the entirety of his mangled torso. then he’d gotten up, taking his things with him and disappearing out the door.

the entire time, billy remembers wanting to speak. to object, to beg steve to tell him he’s kidding, to stay with him. but it felt like his throat was locked up tight, unable to get the words out.

this has been a problem for some time. his fear of being close to someone physically, of letting steve see him the way he is now. it’s been weighing on billy. he knows he needs to talk about it, in therapy. but it’s just. it’s hard.

they haven’t been able to...do anything, he and steve. with each other. they’ve gotten close, so close. but the second steve’s hands go up under billy’s shirt, the moment is shut down completely. the farthest they ever get is heated kisses and some light petting.

the fact of the matter is, it worries billy. he worries he’s not enough for steve, that he can’t give him enough. steve is human just like everyone else, he has wants and needs and desires. and billy - well. he can’t provide a lot of those right now. and he’s not quite sure when, or if, he’ll ever be able to.

“billy?” steve prods again, his brows furrowing in concern.

billy puts out his cigarette in the ashtray. he folds his arms across his chest and stares out at the darkened yard, gnawing on the inside of his cheek.

“why are you with me?” he finally asks. “why do you stay?”

“because i’m in love with you,” steve says easily. “because i’m happy with you, and i want to have a life with you.”

“but i can’t -” billy starts, then breaks off. “what if i can’t ever give you what you want?”

steve tilts his head to the side, looking confused. “you already give me everything i could want. what else is there?”

“we haven’t...i can’t...with you,” billy mutters, stumbling through his words. he’s gesturing to steve’s crotch, his cheeks burning.

finally, steve gets this look in his eyes. a mixture of sadness, and understanding. billy simultaneously hates it, and is grateful for it.

“billy, look at me. i don’t care about that. sure, i’ve thought about it. a lot. but do i need it? does it change how i feel about you? or how much i want to be with you? definitely not. it’s not - that’s not why i’m with you. i’m not here because i think that you’re going to put out soon and i’ll be satisfied. i’m here because i love you. no amount of sex, or lack of, is going to change that.”

for a moment, all billy can do is blink at him. because it’s exactly what he needed to hear. but also - not.

“but - that’s - you don’t understand. i want that, steve, i want it all the time. i want to give that to you, and to myself, but i just - i can’t,” billy rushes out. he bites his lip when he’s done, hard enough to draw blood.

“then maybe we need to talk about it,” steve suggests. his voice is gentle, trying to soothe some of billy’s tension. “figure out what the problem is, and how to solve it.”

billy’s cheeks burn once again. in embarrassment, and anger. at himself, at this situation. because he knows what the problem is. or problems, rather. because there are quite a few.

“i already - fuck, steve. i know what the goddamn problem is,” billy huffs out, agitated. frustrated. “i just - i don’t know how to fix it.”

“will you tell me?” steve asks. “maybe we can work on it. together.”

“i don’t - it’s not that simple.” billy is pleading for something, but he’s not quite sure what. probably understanding. he just needs steve to get it. “when you touch me, for too long, i just - it doesn’t feel like you after a while. it feels like. that thing. and when you - i can’t breathe when you look at me, where it - where i’m broken.”

steve stares at him for a long time, his eyes wide. shining with something like sadness, or maybe pity. and then, finally, “oh, billy. i’m sorry. i should’ve realized -”

“‘s not your fault,” billy interrupts, immediately. “it’s never going to be your fault. ‘s mine. i just need to fuckin’ get over it and give you what you need.”

for the first time in a while, steve looks - angry, maybe?

“no. no. you don’t need to give me anything, ever. not just because you think i want it, or need it to be happy with you. that’s not ever going to be true,” steve tells him, setting his jaw. “you give me what you can, what you’re ready for, and that’s enough for me.”

billy is going to speak during the pause, but then steve barrels on. “but you - i need you to know. where you got hurt, those scars, they don’t change anything for me. you’re still perfect. they just make you look badass. like you survived going through hell, because you did. and whenever you’re ready, if you’re ever ready, you shouldn’t be ashamed of them. it’s never going to make me love you less, or be less attracted to you, or make me stop wanting you.”

“but you don’t know that. you haven’t seen it. not like this,” billy says, his voice hushed. “not since - not now that it’s healed.”

“i don’t need to,” steve tells him easily. “i don’t need to see it to know that it’s not going to change anything for me, to know that i’m not going to be disgusted by it. i’m with you, okay? always.”

there’s a long stretch of silence. there are too many thoughts running through billy’s head, too much noise and commotion.

billy is comforted by steve’s words, he is. to an extent. he feels like the best thing he could do to fix any of this would be to just immerse himself in it. to make himself confront his deepest fears and get over the hurdle. although, he doesn’t honestly know if that’s going to be the right fix, either. but he can try.

“i don’t know how to fix this,” he confesses finally. “if i can fix it. but we could - um. we could do what you said. we can work on it. together.”

steve nods, giving billy a soft smile. “we can. however you want to, we can.”

“can you just - can we try?” billy asks quietly.

steve doesn’t seem to need an explanation. he just nods and takes billy’s hand, guiding him to the bed. he pushes him down gently, boxing him in with his arms, safe and secure. presses a tender kiss to billy’s lips. tender enough that it makes billy feel warm, and loved.

they don’t get there, not tonight. not for a while after. but eventually, they do. it happens slowly, in baby steps. a slow progression to the real thing. it’s a really long road, but they finally make it to the end, and it’s better than billy could’ve ever imagined it would be. and steve is true to his word. he loves every last bit of billy, reverently and endlessly.

steve is with billy, always. and billy is with steve, always. where they are now, where they always have been and where they always will be is forever the same.

with each other.