#hope its enjoyable for the tumblr audience as well... if i wrote something egregiously insensitive

[gammija]

Wrote this all last night in a rush after thinking about aroace podlock too hard - not sure how good it is but people on the discord liked it! so y'all will get it too

[Rushing sounds. At first it sounds like white noise, but there's a rhythm to it, swelling and ebbing; waves crashing onto sand. Wind whistles past the mic occasionally, while soft footsteps can be heard underneath. A quiet beach...

...Well, quiet, except for John giving one of his characteristic introductions to a mailbag episode, before starting proper.]  

JOHN: ...Okay, first question is for Sherlock, from Gammijonk - thought the 'Jonk' joke was starting to die down a bit, but apparently not! This one can be quite a, uh, heavy one, mate, so totally up to you if you want to answer or not. 

They ask: "No need to answer if you feel uncomfortable," like I said, and then the question is, "As what sexuality do you identify, and how did you come to realize?" Again, I'll just edit this out and we can start with another one if you don't want to share that kind of info with the listeners.  

SHERLOCK: No need, it's... alright. I'm in a sharing mood, I find. Not sure whether it's the calming effect of the noise from the waves or something else. 

...I, uh, consider myself to be asexual.  

JOHN: ...Uh- what- but- I mean, not that I'm disagreeing with you on your own identity and such, but I thought you told me you were gay? 

SHERLOCK: I definitely did not.  

JOHN: No, I distinctly remember, after the Gloria Scott case - I asked you if you had been in a relationship with Trevor. And you said yes!  

SHERLOCK: Correct.  

JOHN: Okay, well, so, then...?  

SHERLOCK: I- well. Let's see... I could, try to describe it another way?

JOHN: Right, right. I've actually heard of that before, now you mention it... So that's you, then?  

Within aspec identities, there is often a distinction made between sexual attraction, and romantic attraction. Sexual attraction is when you look at a person and feel like you want to have sex with them. Romantic attraction is when you look at a person and want to have a romantic relationship with them.

For most people, these two kinds of attraction seem to be intrinsically linked, but just as someone could conceivably have a romantic relationship without sex, or two people can have sex without being in a romantic relationship, so too is it possible to feel one kind of attraction, but not the other.  

SHERLOCK: Ah, no. The distinction feels meaningless when applied to myself. 

But, I mentioned it, because I feel it illustrates something of the complicated semantics when it comes to identity, sexuality and romance.  

To get back to the original question for a moment as to how I realized; When I was very young, I wasn't thinking about attraction at all. Then, as a young teenager, my sexuality felt noteworthy only in that it seemed to make me worthy of praise, a rarity: other boys were constantly doing stupid things, willing to do anything to impress a girl-  

JOHN: -While you were only doing stupid things for the love of the game?  

SHERLOCK: Hah. Quite. Well, mostly in order to follow my hyperfixations wherever they lead me, but I won't deny that as a teenager I might not have always been capable of making the brightest decisions. 

In any case, as I got older, I began to realise that my lack of attraction was not, in fact, a sign that I was simply better than the other boys, but something that required a different explanation. So, I did what I do best, and I began to... experiment.  

During that time, I eventually entered into a relationship with Trevor Scott. And those relationships would lead me to eventually learn the terms asexuality and aromanticism, in fact. Looking back, I still didn't feel romantic attraction for Trevor or others then, either. But a romance certainly was the way I and him viewed it at the time. And I certainly did love him.  

JOHN: Right, that makes sense.  

SHERLOCK: So, you see, that's where your confusion stemmed from.

Anyways, now that I had a name for my experiences, after that there followed a brief and unfortunate period in which I felt like I had to figure out whether my asexuality originated in one of my neurodivergences, or if those were two unrelated ways in which I deviated from the societal norm.

Thankfully I quickly came to the conclusion that that would be a fruitless endeavour, like trying to prove a negative. There is only one version of me, and he is asexual, and he is autistic. Whether or not those two facts are related, is frankly irrelevant.  

...That answers the question, I believe?  

JOHN: It definitely does. Wow, mate. That was a lot of talking, for one of these! Man. Feels difficult to follow up with some question about what's our favourite, finger, or something... That was just an example, they, they didn't actually ask that.  

...Do you... want a hug?  

SHERLOCK: Uhm, sure? Yes. I could go for one. Any particular reason why?  

JOHN: Not really - just felt like giving you one.  

[Fabric rustles. It's quiet for a long moment, only wind and waves.]  

SHERLOCK: ... If we count the thumb as a finger, obviously that's my favourite.  

JOHN: Obviously?  

[END]