#honestwomanhood

[agoldthatactuallystays]

"If I gotta glow up on a n*gga, imma make it look sexy" Let's just be real, anyone still struggling to truly accept themselves, their story, their past and their karma- will not respect nor congratulate yours. This is why SELF love and SELF Care are truly important. I've taken great lengths to protect the anonymity of my truest being. Why? Because the world is a scary place and hurt people usually grow on the hurt some more people during their process. I'd like to call that "life". It's the reason my anxiety probed me into changing the name my mother assigned me at birth. This is why I have a hard time responding to Direct Messages and emails-- this is why I'm always fighting for fresh air and comfort. Because my vulnerability does not come without a price. It does not come without personal opinion It is not always met with love- sometimes it's chastisement and screen shots in group text that I don't even know exist. If I worried about all the voices I hear as I walk through the Forrest alone, I'd be driven crazy- my skin would be bad- my hair wouldn't be growing. These squats wouldn't be banged out. These orders wouldn't be shipped. These books couldn't be penned, these plans can't just work themselves out. I have to apply all that I've grown from, to propel me to the next level. You know me as Eryn. My mama knows Me as Khristine, honestly if you're confused by any of it- GOOD! this is my journey and respect it as such. #HonestWomanhood #ErynAmelism #MomBodAppreciationPost #GroupChatThis (at InterContinental San Juan)

[theproverbialdandelion]

So these came in the post today as I’ve been ordering as many free samples from as many different companies as you may well know from a few previous posts. So far they’re far nicer and less “nappy” like than others and for a bonus they came just in time for the nice day as they match my bikini. #fibromyalgia #fibrolife #tenasilhouette #tenalady #incontinence #reallife #honestlife #honestlifestyle #honestwomanhood #diaryofanhonestwoman https://www.instagram.com/p/BzSnIIIAfQn/?igshid=pqasgq45f27q

[theraisingphoenix-blog]

" no man is an island "

my entire life until this very moment I've (unknowingly) been your stereotypical "independent black woman, who don't need no man" with the pride and facety attitude to boot. but throughout my entire life, until recently that was the only example of a woman that I had come to know.. (I mean aside from the revered Claire Huxtable obviously) the internal dialogue of the single mother was my second bible. from my mother, to every single aunty (if they weren't single moms, they were definitely in dysfunctional relationships/marriages). from before i could even remember, 11 months old to be exact) all i ever saw were women who were forced to be strong, forced to do it all on their own, forced to survive and sustain for themselves and their children by any means.. and they always did, one way or another. and while there was never any man-hating, or man-bashing.. the actions of these strong ass women, and the absence of their estranged men spoke loudly enough. mind you, this is no knock on my mother or any of the others that had their hand in raising me; they were relentless in the way they made it priority to give us all that they knew to give us. it was only in my introductory adult years that i began to see loving, functioning relationships in my inner circle. fast forward to now, 26 years later- a mother and a girlfriend, and I'm only now vividly able to see the many underlying ways i've been affected. how my own relationship has suffered at the hands of this narrative of my subconscious mind. day in and day out, I tell my partner (not in my words but in deed) that I don't need him. that "I've got it covered".. even (especially) when i'm burnt out and running on "E".. "leave the baby, I'll do it", "I'm good", "no thank you" and the other countless lies I spew. 

 (and here's the kicker) just to show how counterproductive this whole thing is.. I then turn around and give him the cold shoulder of resentment for "having to do it all on my own". am I a fucking lunatic? 

 what good is it doing me, him, our child, or literally any human being in a similar situation to hold on to such destructive constructs? the fact of the matter is I do need him. and i'm not talking about the "I need you to survive, if you ever left me I would perish" type of need. I need his support. physical and emotional. I need his optimism. I need his humour. his patience. his hugs.. his kisses. I need his humour. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that -it doesn't make me any less independent. any less of a woman. and truth be told it's not just him that I need. "no man is an island" something that he once told me that seems to run in my head at least once a day. every single last one of us are the many limbs of one body. sure we may be able to function on our own, but dear God we don't need to, and in fact would be so much happier and more productive if we didn't.

 with that all being said, today I choose to move forward.  I choose to break the cycle of pain, pride and division. I choose happiness. I choose to be soft yet assertive. I choose to give and receive love. I choose transparency. I choose a brighter future for my children. I choose me.

[gentlemothering]

I wonder if Moses will start to realize mommy eats junk food only at certain times of every month?? #honestwomanhood #stigmafree #justanotherperiod

[agoldthatactuallystays]

I asked myself "What will you release to acquire?" Is it your doubt, your privilege, your projection, your material possessions, your old sense of self? They aren't really rhetorical but for the sake of a new feeling, let's just wonder on that a bit. What will you release in order to take on more? Be more full. To remain secure. To release the shame, the guilt the frustrations of learning as you grow? What baggage must you release? What Dark spaces must you invade? What power struggle must you relinquish control to? What God are you serving? What light are you igniting? What passion are you Pursing? What life are you putting to rest in order to live your best new one? What friends are you letting go, what forgiveness are you offering? What meals are you missing in order to save up for more? What cycles are you changing? What thoughts are you provoking? What change are you even seeking? What past are you running from? What future are you running to? Where are you flowing to? What room are you clearing? What applause are you in search of? What ego are you feeding? What power are you harnessing? What are you willing to release to acquire? | these are things that I ask myself. My own answers are still loading... #honestwomanhood #erynamelism

[agoldthatactuallystays]

#SerenadeMeSundays Word to the wise, Remain wild at he(art). My commitment to my self love journey preserves my sanity. I've been on some type of autopilot lately, my heart is beating like it's on the support of some machine and I know that's God. Where there is life there is purpose and I am here to feel it all. To be loved through and all and then some. Change is strange. Foresight is a skill. & Passion is obligatory. That's the formula behind my happiness. Is it true to me? Does it move me to be? Does it make my hands shake to talk about? Does it feel like joy? Can I see myself loving this forever? When the answer is "Yes", I pursue it full throttle. I run for it like passivity is going to kill me. But until it aligns on my side, I'm going to be patient. Because wading through is better than sinking fast. The journey to joy is a sprint, not a race. #honestwomanhood #YemayaIsSpeaking

[agoldthatactuallystays]

I rarely use the Instagram live feature but what I love most about using it the few times I have is, I get to connect with folks directly. There's a question I get asked a lot "how did you do it?" And "it" could mean a plethora of things... but my mind always draws blank. The answer is, I don't know. But I'm trying things out. I'm stepping into myself, my faith, my craft, my business one foot at a time. One after another and I'm not trying to make it linear. Most of it doesn't make sense to me, probably because I'm as impulsive as the next person and I'm so use to traveling at a different pace. My own. I stay away from what other people are doing, unless it's brought to my attention and even then I try to mute to noise. I ask myself questions. Lots of them to secure that in listening to myself and my best interest. I walk into challenges surely by faith and not by sight, but I'm pretty quick on my feet. I recover well, I discover further, i reroute. I am on a journey and I am enjoying the view. God bless the scenic route that got us here. #HonestWomanhood #theScenicRoute #Erynamelism

[agoldthatactuallystays]

10.13.14 #BeforeSirius | after paying my own rent for three years, Eryn with the no kids but if you check my references I've always been well equipped to care for one. I'm domestic but let's not get it confused I have a good time and I document it with my muscle memory. Well, this night my best friend and I walk into a sports bar feeling completely over dressed and not giving two shits about the side eyes. We danced on a stage with some live screamo cover band- Because we came to have a good run, collect our weekend release and then dip. But these days I'm trolling the clock and hiding from the fuming sell of poop coming from the living room ( where is the toddler and is your dad almost home yet?!) I'm tired, and I believe going through my young adult archive is proving to be comforting a bit. I still widely connect to this young woman and I applaud her for her Friday night bravery and uninhibited sense of confidence -- I believe the Moon in Gemini is kicking up a nostalgic wind in my mind. I keep drifting back to this time where I was always ready to connect with my friends, but rarely made an appearance on The scene. It was like people thought they were encountering a gem when they saw me out. | evidently, they were. #Flashbackfriday #Honestwomanhood

[agoldthatactuallystays]

It started off as a dare- to see how open I can be without compromising the integrity of my privacy. I tested my boundaries daily. Pushing a bit more each day to grow comfortable sharing myself on such a platform. My good days- the not so pretty moments- are all apart of my truth. I dared myself to tell more of it. To stop answering people with inconsistencies and really tell them what's on my mind. Even if it looked like, struggle or frustration. I enjoy being alone. Although I cannot stress enough how I'll never get use to feeling loneliness in my solitude. Most of that is because I believe it's "unhealthy" to desire silence the way that I do. My phone stays on silent. My text remain unanswered. My mental health remains still even when I feel full of energy. I give honor to my art. Which is a big part of me the internet doesn't see. See I believe in vulnerability and transparency but I can't give everything away. My secret weapons, stay that. My spell work stays secret. Boundaries are on the agenda for 2017. Telling myself "no" because telling other folks no seems to be a never ending problem. Reminding people that this is just social media, and who I am here is an extension of the amazing woman I am offline. Boundaries, are not the same as limitations. Pace is not the same as passive. Self preservation is not the same as ego. | I am not the same woman I thought I'd grow up to be. I couldn't see me at 26, or a Mother, a business owner. All I've ever seen as a safe space is my solitude. 2017, calls for more of it. #HonestWomanhood #BrujaMa get to know the woman behind the responsibility here: www.erynamel.com

[agoldthatactuallystays]

#TW: Suicide: Substance Abuse. Self Harming. I wasn’t worried about anything then. Aside from how I’d pay my rent. I’d taken a leap of faith. Left an abusive relationship. Started eating again. No one knew how numb i truly was. I’d wake up and sucking on the necks of whiskey bottles They became so abundant i used them as vases. So i wouldn’t be judged by my neighbors on trash day. Before i moved from my first solo apartment, i was 100+ bottles in. My lease was 10 months. You do the math if you have the time, or you do the self work and really just want better for yourself. I was a tank in a battlefield. Battling my daily grind and fighting the voice in my mind that said “you can cut right here” I romanticized that idea a lot. But drew the line at what will happen to my survivors. I knew i wanted children. I didn’t know how. I knew i wanted love, i just didn’t know i needed it for myself first. I felt pathetic looking at those bottles in my window every morning. So i left flowers in them. I watched them die and i watched me live through them. Because in the back of mind i just knew that the only way I’d make it out alive is if i left my root in tact. So instead of cutting myself, i cut flowers. #unashamed. #honestwomanhood #suicideawarness #CheckInOnYourStrongFriends

[agoldthatactuallystays]

This body, my garden, the holiest of vessels- attached to me by muscle and resilience. This body, hasn't always been a home to me. I haven't always been comfortable with the "uncomfortable". I haven't always chosen my peace- and any time you opt out of our inner peace, you're sitting front row to your self sabotage. I grew tired of wandering where the water doesn't flow, tired of dancing for rain when I needed relocation. I needed to find a home inside of this skin- plant some seeds in her backyard and surround the whole estate in a fence of peace. To protect the blood that flows through my vines- my ancestors- beloved Egun, i needed to tend to my home so that you have a place to protect My steps, in no particular order but my own. I'm here. Present. In love with myself and sharing of that. Open with that. Vulnerable as fuck over that. This body-these bag of bones God has made a home in... I have got to protect her. #honestwomanhood #effyourbeautystandards #brujaMa #bodyPosi

[agoldthatactuallystays]

The war on my body is not just in my head. I see it everywhere on my timeline in the comments section- everywhere really but in ny daily life. Because when im alone, whether it be at noon or midnight this vessel is the safest place I inhabit. It's shelter and it's attached to my health, how well I am able to preform, or how much energy I have to dispel -- the unshakable love and adoration I have for this body- after sexual assault- after assault. Childbirth. Miscarriage. Abortion. You name it... Let my timeline/media tell my story and I should be ashamed of myself. Although none of those claims, or opinions, have ever feed, loved or financed me... I guess misery truly does love company. But in the war against the female body, I won't participate. & neither should you. #honestwomanhood #mombodappreciationpost

[agoldthatactuallystays]

12/28/16 12:39 am. "Love poems just feel better. No matter what state of love I am in, whether it be in surplus or nonexistent- love is one of the most motivating forces in my life. I've picked myself apart in the name of love- wrote down all the things I could do to "be a better" me so that we could be a better us: but self reflection truly only represents ones self. What is transparency without vulnerability? What is vulnerability without a little bit of trust? It doesn't flow the same way when one is missing the other. Like I don't flow the same way when I'm missing 'you'. I make sense of it all here. On the late night on some forgotten Wednesday- with piles of my responsibilities side eye'n me from across the room. I still make time to write about love and all the things she has shown me. The good, the relevant and the grit- it all brought me to you, love" #SongsForWomen - Frank Ocean 👑 #HonestWomanhood

[agoldthatactuallystays]

“mama squishy in all her love braves the beach.” I’ve fought for this comfort for so long. I found 4 journals of entries of me begging god for a new body. and then it happened, and not in the way I wanted it too. my hips attracted attention my mind couldn’t handle. I grew to believe if i could change myself, the world around me would be easier to adjust into. Ive done some pretty gross things to my body- in hopes to like it more. Nothing worked. Bulimia, self harming.. I can’t even lie and say a few of my tattoos weren’t my attempt to feel pain while breaking from self harming. Still, destructive. The older I get, the more about myself I learn and the biggest one of them yet was- “Its not going to change on its own”. My destructive thoughts did not make me feel good. But I wanted to feel good. A fight inside had to win. I didn’t want to choose failure. Be it Organ failure- Heart Failure - or fail myself. A great deal of my insecurities came from the lovers I took. I recall in my last relationship his on any given day his timeline would be filled with women who did not look like me. Those with the amazing tight bodies- confidence on brazen and somehow looking at these women so full and sure of their power- I lost mine. I would feel like I wasn’t small enough- and then I became pregnant. A time I believed would have made me the most desirable, suddenly did not. It took me looking to myself for affirmation to believe it. It took me falling in a rage of desire for myself in order to make anyone else see me with the same intensity. You know that look, that burning desire to love you no matter what you look like- how your clothes fit- for how your hair feels and for how your maximize your life with purpose. you know, all the shit that actually matters in love. Yeah, I had to become expressive with myself in order to hear and see what good love and appreciation looks like. I wanted better, so I challenged my idea of what that is. I just went with what felt right. Heartbreak gets tiring and I vowed to never do that to myself again. #Honestwomanhood #MomBodAppreciationPost #ThickChickInATwoPieceTypeOfActivism (at Miami Beach South Beach)

[agoldthatactuallystays]

Granted, everyone doesn't need a photo of themselves to showcase a love and admiration for their body. Some of us are still free even if they don't show the world. You would believe how much i hold back on Instagram because i believe not every thing needs to be shared or documented. Honestly, i'll sit with my Instagram open- find a photo that reflects my feelings and, I type my thoughts. i guess the way i see the female body is in its natural state. It's most magical, and i see the evidence of life in my skin. i'm proud to be here. Sharing the same space with you and journeying through life one heart beat right after the other. Though there is a lot of hurting & destruction going on around us- i believe the ability to love yourself completely is the only fight we can win. So because if that, i honor the divine femme in me. i speak openly about my womanhood because i am not afraid to refine what that means for me. Life has a way of interjecting your path and redirecting your attention to what really matters. You. Honoring your love. Honoring your body. Honoring your magic. This girl i know said something like, 'it is impossible to shame a woman who is unashamed.' And by living by that, i have found a freedom that knows no boundaries. #livebyyourwords #BrujaMa #HonestWomanhood | if you're still eye'n this leotard- it's still in sale for $20 dollars as a preorder special until Monday. #HappyFridayEve

[agoldthatactuallystays]

Today was full of wins! After feeling like I've taken a home in a lot of other people's losses- every bit of today feels like it's truly ended. Transparency runs deep in me because I feel deeply about every thing. Some call it critical, I'll just tell you I'm observant and I feel energy. And depending on how close you're in with someone it is easy to absorb their feelings. With someone going through a though time it's blinding and overwhelming. It'll have you making decisions based on circumstances that are not your own. & one day, a God loves you so much and gives you a Pisces Moon in your birthchart- and you literally "wake" up one day and you're a different person. Observing a different reality- forgiving again because that's what you know how to do best. Heal. Today was full of wins. Clarity is a hell of a drug. Some people chase that forever. #HonestWomanhood #PiscesMoonGirl