#honestly just seeing my future self would mean everything. I'm working on holding onto the weird I had back then but in a healthier way

[neverendingford]

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[weirdsht]

For Your Safety - Alberu/Reader

a/n: this is like writing practice. I want to write more soft yandere fics but I can't so I'm trying to get a feel for it. Tips and advice are appreciated hehe, just note that I'm not a fan of overly violent yandere's

tags: male reader, fiance reader, yandere Alberu, hints of isolation, hints of possessiveness, nothing too bad, very self-indulgent

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are currently closed but my ask are still open (read pinned)

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Alberu is kneeling. The future king of the Roan Kingdom, the most promising kingdom right now, is kneeling while hugging someone’s leg.

Your leg

You’re the only one who can bring such a powerful man to his knees. The only one whose ground every step he will worship.

The love of his life.

Everyone knows of this. They know just how much the crown prince treasures you. How he will do anything to make you happy.

However, right now he was trying to appease you. Trying to make you do something something you do not like.

“I can fight too! I can also wield a sword if necessary.”

You tried to argue. Trying to not be swayed by the loving circles your fiance is tracing on your legs. His other hand playing with the ends of your coat.

“I know my love. But it’s better if you stay here. It’s difficult to know what White Star will do once you are out of my sight.”

Alberu argues back and you would have relented by now if he hadn’t been keeping you in his palace for months now.

“But I’m practically on house arrest! I can’t live like this forever!“

You huffed, annoyed at him and his antics.

“It won’t be forever. After everything is settled you’ll be able to go out again.”

‘Under my surveillance of course.’

The crown prince kept the last part to himself. While he understands your need to venture out he honestly thinks that the situation right now is quite fine.

You’re here, under his wing.

Under his watch.

Plus, it’s not as if you need anything or anyone else when you get him. He can provide you with anything you’ll ever want. It’s your right as his fiance.

So stop arguing with him already and stay in his palace like the good boyfriend you are.

“But…”

Your argument did not make it past your lips as he kissed you. Trying to silence you and end this whole argument.

And honestly, it’s working.

You have always been weak when it comes to your fiance. Everyone says that Alberu always adheres to your whims. What they don’t know is that you also always adhere to his.

One kiss and you’re putty in his hands. All of your previous concerns going away.

Just like right now.

Alberu knows this and always uses it to his advantage. 

“Please just stay here? Just for a little while longer?”

The quarter Dark Elf cupped your face with his hands. His previously kneeling figure is now on the bed with you. His legs trapping your own, as if saying that you won’t be able to leave either way.

“...Fine”

You relented and Alberu smiled at you, happy that you now see eye to eye. 

For a moment you think you saw his eyes glimmer with possessiveness. However, it was gone as soon as it arrived, making you think it had been your imagination.

Plus your lover who always has everyone’s best intentions in mind could never look such a way.

…Right?

“Wait does this mean I can’t attend the rewards ceremony?”

You tugged the hem of his coat. Begging for him to say otherwise.

“Don’t worry we’ll attend it together. I’m sure everyone will be even more happy once you grace them with your presence.”

Alberu’s hold moved onto your sides as he kissed your temple and you swear you melted again.

“But do stay by my side love. We suspect White Star will be watching as well.”

To be honest, if it was possible he doesn’t want White Star to even look at you. Even if it’s through a screen. You’re too precious for such a man to lay his vile gaze on.

Alberu’s hold on tightened and you became concerned.

“Love? Are you okay? If you want I won’t attend the rewards ceremony…”

Your fiance loosened his grip on your sides and shook his head. He laid his head on your shoulders, inhaling your scent.

“No no, you must be there. You must stay by my side…”

He reassured you as he continued to hold you in his arms.

“As long as you stay by my side everything would be fine.”

Alberu wasn’t just talking about the upcoming ceremony. It was a vow that he would uphold for as long as you lived.

Aren’t you glad to have such a loving fiance like him?

[ughscara]

alright. second cup of tea ready, a little break from writing and proofreading, logging in to be greeted with many wonderful people and the wonderful responses from my dear moot, @fatuismooches 🤍

greetings dear! this lengthy post will be the response to your responses to my asks as well as your reblogs which have given me the amount of serotonin i desired to complete this wonderful night of mine <3 i am not at all apologetic for how lengthy this response is, i am deadass shedding tears of joy and expressed everything i had in an ask that tumblr had the fucking audacity to eat so .. yeah :) i just want to express my gratitude again as well as ramble along to the brainrot hehe ~

YES HE ABSOLUTELY DOES. to kabukimono, he'll ensure anything within his capabilities to see that smile he loves so much, the smile that brightens his day regardless if it was good or bad, the smile that makes something so familiar yet foreign inside his chest soar. whenever you're sad, he doesn't waste time in following his instinct of taking his veil then holding you close from behind, providing the feeling of his veil shielding you two from the world; like how your embrace does to him. i just envision him basking in the comfortable silence for a while, basking in your warmth with a smile until a short while passes,

“dear (name), how about you make us that tea you like?... hehe, too sweet or not, i'll have it, it's yours! no other tea is as good as yours, even if it's too sweet for me.”

he goes out of his way to suggest a usual activity you two have when he doesn't know how to form his words to reassure out of fear of messing up and making you more sad, but that little smile of yours as he suggests said usual activity makes him smile too and feel more at ease as well.

following on using that tactic to make you fold — IT WORKS IN HIS FAVOR SO MUCH IT'S ENDEARINGLY RIDICULOUS ?? like shut up ( i'm joking please don't ) you'd be like:

“nuh-uh. not falling for that.”

“but... dear (name)... :(”

“okay maybe i am falling for that. folding even.”

“ :D ”

and oh my god. kabuki being an absolute mess in the kitchen for the first few times he attempts cooking is one of my all time favorite things for him like IT'S SO CUTE FUCK OFF ;; not only cute but also relatable — cough anyways <3 it's exactly as you just said ( speaking my mind fr ) and honestly, i think it's very much in character for kabu because the writers cling onto the "blank slate" statement for dear life when it comes to describing kabukimono specifically. the kitchen being an absolute mess as he urges you to take a bath i am actually crying ;;

AND THANK YOU OH MY GOODNESS ;; i am so so happy that despite my sleepy self writing that, it still managed to deliver~ i am so glad :')

those references are to your kabuki series btw <3 i have injected a lot of what you delivered there for the baby boy :D and you are very much welcome for the kuni brainrot! that's my specialty ~

there's no escaping the "kuni is a little tsun tsun" allegation. he already pleaded guilty to those more than enough times much to his dismay

i would like to inject a hc here — walks with him around snezhnaya are actually relatively common! while it is rare for him to be seen outside of his duties, let alone with someone, usually preferring to stay in home with you or do his usual reading light novels of varying degrees of quality while having a cup of tea or coffee. but in that specific drabble, it's from a mini series that i unfortunately had to scrap due to how i have other three that are in production masterpost preparation wise so </3

but absolutely, walks in snezhnaya, either around town or even near the freezing sea of the land; it's a very common activity that he usually indulges you in regardless of how much free time he has.

that specific theme is going to be the main theme for my future series featuring fatui kuni so that means, i'll cut my rambling short :)

my brain and i appreciate the praise and regarding your excitement ME TOO ?!?! like omg you don't know how over the fucking moon i am just thinking about tomorrow that is literally going to be today in a few minutes time for me, it's crazy and this much excitement, while it is something i'm quite accustomed to because i am even excited on a regular day, is probably going to annihilate my heart in the metaphorical sense lolol

i'll give the name here as well as my reasoning for it: i named the little one izumi! reason being because that name means spring, and apart from the countless artworks i saw of the precious bean being surrounded by sakura trees, it's also because back when i did the third act of sumeru for the first time and watched kuni's cutscene very thoroughly and with lore crafter intent ( while crying ) i saw the little boy and his design, color scheme wise to be specific, and it reminded me of sunflowers. while doodling little drawings for the concept, the name izumi popped in my head and i was like "you know what? that just sounds about right honestly."

if you read the title for the seventh chapter, the name "kuzou" is not the name i chose, it's just a little trick of mine and because of a hc i hope to elaborate on in that specific chapter <3

as for the angst........ yeah now that i think about it a little more, i feel a tiny bit sorry ^-^

in all seriousness though, THANK YOU !! i am so glad to hear that you love it and i will be sure to not rush on it, pinky promise that i won't force myself to do beyond my limits! ( thank you for the gentle reminder <3 )

FUCK YES YOUR THOUGHTS DID MAKE ME THAT HAPPY!! receiving any kind of response on something i write makes me feel like the happiest person on earth because i LOVE listening to others' thoughts and feelings on something i make, or even in general in all honesty. listening is a hobby of mine one could say hehe

you are so real on picking up on how people contrast fatui and wanderer kuni — it's so fun and like ? just so endearing somehow ?? not really somehow scratch that it is endearing because watching him come so far is just the embodiment of (⁠╥ ‿ ╥⁠)ﾉ⁠♡

regarding the 'nushi thesis ......................

oops ~

no but the way this bitch had and still does have me on such a chokehold for SO LONG and it resulted me to writing a fucking presentation; from me writing lore for his ass to writing about both small and big things about him and even picking a theme for him along with a design interpretation. it's alright though, king deserves it 🤍

and i am so down to write a little drabble about the eccentric squad being in trouble like it'd not only be funny but also endearing because i think we both know who would make up for the mistake they did and who wouldn't ( side eyes fatui kuni and kuro /lh )

as for us two — certified tea addicts /lh lovers !! we love to see it~ the way i actually can't survive through the day without at least having one cup is... well, it certainly is something lmao

goodness me .. this was a lot to ramble about alright but good fuck i am actually so happy :') this was and honestly is the best way i think i've ever spent a break i take from writing, i am practically smiling from ear and to ear and coincidentally enough i just finished my second cup of tea! this was an incredible fun ~

thank you so so much for the support and love you've provided me smooches 🤍 you are not only one of my biggest inspirations but also someone i cherish even though we're only moots, but i hope to become friends in the future <3

i hope you enjoy mundanities with kabukimono as much as i will enjoy writing it for many to see, i cannot wait to walk this journey with you and many others 🤍

— signed and with much ( platonic ) love, ayame.

[fiftyfiftyinla]

HARDIN. I scan through the pages of the small notebook, my eyes move across the words quickly as I decide where to start. It's a journal from her religion class, it took me a minute to figure out what the hell it was because each entry is labeled with a word and a date, most of them having nothing to do with religion.

Pain. The word catches my eye and I begin to read.

Does pain turn people away from their God? If so, how? Pain can turn anyone away from just about anything. Pain is capable of causing you to do things you would never consider doing, such as blaming God for your pain. Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. I have come to learn that pain is the strongest emotion one can feel. Unlike every other emotion, there is no upside to pain, no positive notion that can make you look at the pain from a different perspective, there is only pain. Lately I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has nearly become unbearable. Sometimes when l'm alone, which is more often than not as of recently, I find myself trying to decide which type of pain is worse. The answer isn't as simple as I thought it would be. The slow and steady aching pain, the type of pain that comes when you've been hurt repeatedly by the same person yet here you are, here I am, allowing the pain to continue, it never ends. Only in those rare moments when he pulls me to his chest and makes promises that he never seems able to keep, does the pain disappear. Just as I get used to the freedom, my freedom my self inflicted pain, it returns with another blow.

This doesn't have a damn thing to do with religion, this is about me.

I have decided that the hot, burning, inescapable pain is the worst. This pain comes when you finally begin to relax, you finally breathe, thinking that the pain is yesterday's problem when in fact it's today's problem, tomorrow's, and every day after that. This pain comes when you pour everything into something, into someone, and they betray you so suddenly that the pain crushes you and you feel as if you are barely breathing, barely holding on to that small fraction of whatever is left inside of you begging you to go on, not to give up.

Fuck.

Sometimes it's faith that people hold onto, sometimes, if you're lucky enough you can confide in someone else and trust them to pull you out of the pain before you dwell in it for too long. Pain is one of those hideous places that once visited you have to fight your way out and even when you think you have escaped you are permanently branded. If you're like me, you don't have anyone to depend on, no one to take your hand and assure you that you will make it through this hell. Instead, you have to lace up your boots, grab your own hand, and pull yourself out.

My eyes move to the date at the top of the page, this was written while I was in England. I shouldn't read any more, I should just put the damn book down and never open it again but I can't. I have to know what else was written in this book of secrets. This is the closest to her I fear that I will ever fucking get. I turn to another page labeled "Faith".

What does faith mean to you? Do you have faith in something higher? Do you believe that faith can bring good things into people's lives?

This should be better, this entry should knife the ache in my chest. This one couldn't be related to me.

To me, faith means believing in something other than yourself. I don't believe that any two people can possibly hold the same view on faith whether their only faith is religion based or not. I do believe in something higher, I was raised that way. My mother and I went to church every single Sunday and most Wednesday's. I don't go to church now, which I probably should but l'm still deciding howI feel about my religious faith as an adult without my mother's influence. When I think about faith my mind doesn't automatically go to religion, it probably should but it just doesn't. It goes to him, everything does. He is my every thought, I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing but that's the way it is and I have faith that it will work out for us in the end. Yes, he's difficult and overprotective, sometimes even controlling. okay, he's often controlling but I have faith in him that he means well with each frustrating action. My relationship with him tests me in ways thatI never thought imaginable but every second is worth it. I have faith that one day the deep fear of losing me will dissolve and he will embrace our future together, that's all I want./ know he wants it too, though he would never say it. Thave so much faith in that man that I will take every single tear, every single pointless argument, I'll take it all just to be around for the day when he has faith in himself. I have faith that one day Hardin will say what he feels openly and honestly, finally putting an end to his self-imposed exile. I have faith that one day he will finally see that he isn't a villain. He tries so hard to be one but deep down he's really a hero. He's been my hero, my tormenter at times, but mostly my hero. He saved me from myself, / spent my life pretending to be someone I wasn't and Hardin has shown me that it's okay to be myself. I don't have to conform to the person my mother wanted me to be and I thank him dearly for it. I have faith that he will see how truly incredible he is, he's so incredibly perfectly imperfect and I love him so much for that. He may not show it the conventional way but he tries and that's all I can ask for from him. I have faith that if he continues to try, he will finally allow himself to be happy. I will continue to have faith in him until he stops trying.

I close the book and pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to control my emotions. She had all of this faith in me for no damn reason. I'll never understand why she wasted her time on me in the first place but reading her unguarded thoughts this way twists the knife, removes it, and impales it into my chest once more.

I really am a fucking drunk. I'm hovered over the kitchen counter with a fucking bottle of vodka in my hands. I twist the top off and bring the bottle to my lips. Just one drink will cause the guilt to go away. If I have one drink I can force myself to pretend Tessa will be home soon. It has worked before to numb the pain, it will work this time. One drink.

Just as I close my eyes and tilt my head back, Tessa's teary eyes flash behind mine. I open my eyes, turn the sink faucet on, and pour the vodka down the drain.

[imo-chan-imagines]

『 As your boyfriend | BNHA Headcanons 』

From the good, to the bad, to the downright adorable.

Characters: female!reader, Aizawa Shouta

Tags/warnings: Boku No Hero Academia (anime), 18+, explicit descriptions of sex, smut, fluff, soft dom Aizawa, relationship, headcanons

⚠️ 18+ CONTENT! MINORS: PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT ⚠️

A/N: Right, so I'm simping for this man biG TIME, but I'm only on season 3, so no spoilers or anything, please. This is my first BNHA post (and it turned out way longer than I was intending 😅) Please let me know if you want more in the future!

Also, I have a repetitive strain injury, so typing stuff is taking a while at the moment. Sorry about that. Thanks for reading! Please enjoy ♡ ~Imo

☆ Aizawa Shouta ☆

I'm not going to lie. Shouta can be a big ol' grouchy pants sometimes, and it's basically impossible to win an argument against him makes you want to tear your hair out, sometimes

But most of the time, he's just tired and in pain, and he doesn't mean to be so crotchety

He's not the type to make excuses, though. That's childish. He means his apologies, even if they're simple

He'll normally initiate an apology by gently wrapping his arms around you from behind and resting his forehead on your shoulder 🥺

Physical contact is incredibly personal and intimate for him. He doesn't just touch anyone, or allow them to touch him

You're special 💞💫

Soft, gentle touches, like his fingers interlacing with yours, or his leg brushing up against you, are basically his way of saying 'I love you'

Catch me crying in the corner, a'ight? 😔

He rarely ever raises his voice. Like, ever he doesn't need to, and is aware that it can be scary

He's definitely the kind of guy to forget to tell people that you're dating, simply because he doesn't see how it's relevant or anyone else's business 🤦‍♀️

I mean, he ain't wrong, but–

And his mood switches between 'antisocial' and 'clingy' like a mechanical metronome did someone say 'cat'?

Sometimes, you'll be lucky if he speaks more than three words to you together in a whole day nothing personal 🤷‍♀️

But on other days, he literally won't let you out of his arms for the world he's complicated, okay?

You have missed many a parcel delivery because he wouldn't let you get up from his lap to answer the door 🙄😂

Boundaries and responsibilities are key and highly respected by Shouta, and he would NEVER erase your quirk without your permission, unless he literally had no other choice like someone's going to get hurt, or something

Is generally quite serious so what's new? but you're one of the few people he can relax around when he feels like it

9/10 of his jokes are dad jokes 😎 hell yeah

Takes a hard stance in financial debates, but is constantly broke af 😶 says he'll buy you dinner and presents you with some instant noodles with a 'Reduced To Clear' sticker on them

Will take a bite of your food/steal some off your plate without asking, and literally say nothing to defend himself #gremlin

Is incredibly shy and uncomfortable about being ~le horny~ until you've been together for literally forever

Even then, he's still shy about it when he has to bring it up and it's pretty cute, let me tell ya

It took him forever to admit to you that he gets turned on when you eat ice lollies

Guess what you do whenever you want to mess with him like a little brat 😛

But if he's in the mood, he will 100% whisper something dirty in your ear, even if you're completely alone and probably well past third base

He does it because he knows your pussy will clamp around him at the sound of his voice 😳🥵

*fans self profusely*

Genuine, unadulterated smiles are rare with Aizawa, but when he does 🙌 Heaven hath opened its gates and allowed an angel walk amongst mere mortals 🥺🤧

If he lays his head on your chest, he will fall asleep like that *snaps fingers*

Surprise nose and forehead kisses to show he loves you ❤

Calls you 'Kitten' this is basically already canon at this point

And he's all about those deep talks with you at 3 am when he can't sleep

Speaking of insomnia!

It's cheesy, but you're like a soothing balm. The warmth of your body makes him feel safe, your touch helps him relax, and your voice soothes him to sleep

He's never slept as well as when you're beside him 😭🤧

When cuddling, he likes to be the big spoon but will accept being the little spoon if you if you press your boobs against his back and ask really nicely 🤭

And he loves you stroking his hair and running your fingers through it 🥺

Netlix nights and pillow/blanket forts!!

Rainy days are a godsend. Staying inside all day under the blankets, with the soft sound of the rain falling outside and no-one to interrupt you – literal paradise

He makes mean hot cocoas and Irish coffees 😋 I feel like this man lives off Irish coffees 😂🤣

Wears a lot of black and grey sweatpants at home 😗 which highlight the outline of his dick just right, if ya know what I'm sayin' 👀

Doesn't like going out for dates and prefers staying inside and doing stuff together same, honeyy

But if you really like going out, he will somewhat begrudgingly agree to it and get all dressed up for you, just so long as he gets his fair share of home-dates, too 🤗

But if you also don't like going out... the two of you will basically never leave the house, except to get groceries in your pyjamas from the 24-hour convenience store down the road at one in the morning oddly specific, I know, but you get me

And sorry, but I don't make the rules

Well, actually, I do. But shush

We all know that Shouta cleans up *chef's kiss* So when you go somewhere ~fancy~ he always looks so damn fine 😩

But he has very little idea that he's hot he sees himself as a tired, walking dumpster fire🚶‍♂️🔥

Shouta will 100% turn into a crazy cat dude with 15+ cats if you don't stop him I never said you should, though 🙃

And is a 'minimalist texter' – basically, if he can't answer a text with 'yes', 'no,' 'maybe', or 'OK', then he probably won't answer it at all 😭😂

Especially if you try and sext him or send him your nudes while he's at work. He'll probably lecture you when he gets home and depending on just how much you turned him on, he might proceed to teach you a lesson...

But wear his shirt, and just his shirt or his hoodie and he's yours

Heart eyes, motherfucker 😍

And, depending on how you two are feeling that day, you may or may not end up getting dicked down on the nearest semi-flat surface right then and there 👀

But don't misunderstand. This is an incredibly tired man you have here, and his libido actually isn't through the roof sorry, ladies so this kind of thing isn't an everyday occurrence

But when he dicks you down, he dicks you down goooood

Shouta's not big on PDA, but makes up for it in private. We're talking hands and kisses all over your body he leaves nothing unloved 😏

And while he's not big on PDA, he is big on sneaky displays of affection or 'SDA', as I like to call it

Like subtly grabbing your butt for a second, or his hand on your thigh under the table at a dinner etc. especially around other people

But what really gets him going is slowly removing your clothes and taking you fully naked, spreading your legs wide and holding them open he likes the view 😍

He lowkey highkey worships your body 🙏 and will literally not shut up about how fucking pretty you are, and how fucking good it feels inside you his words, not mine 😳

Groans and growls a little when he's getting close/cumming especially when he's being a little rough and likes to cum together, but knows it's not always practical

He tends to be a gentle dom, but can get just a teensy bit 🤏 rough if he's too into it – but nothing outrageous

We're talking rough thrusts and a brutal pace, maybe holding onto you a little too hard and, waaahh, he gets so embarrassed if he leaves bruises

Is also into a little bondage, but again, only light stuff – restraining your wrists with his hands or his tie or his Capturing Weapon 👀 maybe blinding-folding you if you're okay with it

If you're not blindfolded, then I'm afraid he's all about that eye contact

Eating out your pussy? Eye contact. Pounding you into the mattress? Blazing eye contact. Rearranging your guts in front of the mirror? Fucking eye contact

And CONSENT, BABY. THAT'S WHAT HE'S FUCKING INTO 😌🙌💞

But all jokes aside – he's too used to taking without consent with his quirk, that he's kind of paranoid about it comes to sex but it's adorable and sweet, and honestly, still kind of hot

And speaking of eating pussy – goddamn does he like to please you. Like cream to a kitty 😛

Oh, and he just loves it when you suck on his fingers as he's pounding into you 🤤

And he likes to leave love bites in personal, inconspicuous places and sometimes on your neck

He's marking his woman 😌

When he gets suuuper horny, he likes to fuck you from behind, standing upright in front of the mirror. It's a specific kink he has of watching himself stretch you out as the length of his cock disappears inside you...

I can get behind that, lemme tell yaaa

I said he tends to be dominant, but female doms – fear not!

Shouta is quite flexible when it comes down to it and is kind of lazy, lmfao so he definitely has time for laying back, having the control taken away, and having his dick ridden

For him, it's really all about communication and what you're both comfortable with

I will say this, though: sometimes, his cat watches you while you're banging 😅😂

The first time it happened, you freaked out and refused to continue because – how could you??? But eventually, you just kind of got used to it 🤷‍♀️

The same way you've got used to it following you to the bathroom every time you go to take a shit 😭

So now, you just kind of laugh about it, which helps keep things a little lighter 🤗

After sex, he does like to snuggle, but you'll be lucky if he stays awake for more than 30 seconds it's one of the few times he actually can sleep well

If you're ever out and about, or even inside, and cold, he'll wrap you up in his clothes/scarf/blanket like a sushi roll like Eren wrapping up Mikasa in his scarf, all deadpan and everything 😐

It's not that often, but when he gets drunk, he gets all soft and emotional, and starts babbling about how he can't believe he got so lucky to be dating you, and that he's sure he hasn't done anything to deserve it mah heart

He's pretty sure he wants kids, but he doesn't feel like now is the right time, and is lowkey afraid that it's never going to feel like the right time

He also constantly doubts himself, wondering if he'd actually able to look after them and protect them the way a father should class 1-A got him second-guessing himself 🥺

Besides, it's not all about him. You clearly have a say in it too, and he doesn't want to force you into anything

Again: communication and comfort zones

Dating Aizawa definitely has its ups and downs, and it's not smooth sailing, but he's prepared to work for a life with you because he's found a connection with you that he hasn't feel with anyone else

He knows that you're both far from perfect, but hopes that, for once, you might just make something good, and make it last 🥰😇

© imo-chan-imagines 2020

[savrenim]

Hey mx savrenim its me again and I'm wondering: how you maintain tension in a story with characters with future vision? Especially in a story with no guaranteed future, where seers can ensure the best possible future for themselves

oooooh v v good question, once more under the cut

so there are a lot lot LOT of ways to do this that all depend on the tone that you want your story to go for, and Imma reference a few pieces of media that do this in various ways, but this is pretty much a subset of the question “how do you maintain tension in your story when your character is very overpowered”

1. Just very realistically explore that “in theory able to do things perfectly” and “in practice able to do things perfectly” are very very different things.  Another Faust by Daniel Nayeri had pretty much someone with Seer-like capabilities (namely, the ability to loop back I thiiiink as far as they wanted in time?) that they could use to make sure they always said the right thing, got the right answers on tests, etc etc, and it just.... didn’t work out for them perfectly. Because perfect knowledge didn’t fix everything. If you know how every single play is going to work idk in a baseball game, that gives you an edge, but it doesn’t actually mean you win the game unless you are good enough at baseball to hit that ball and run those bases

In that case, the more effective the Seer wants to be, the more they have to actually train the skills that they care about, so that they can carry out the actions physically that lead to their ideal future. And building physical skills is hard and takes work and practice, and anything you have to work to get better at to reach a goal is the starting point of tension. 

Also to continue the sports metaphor, having perfect knowledge of a baseball game and even being the best player in the world doesn’t guarantee you a win because you cannot play every single position, there are other people on the team who are going to be doing actions that at most can have secondhand versions of your knowledge. Trying to manage the human aspect leads to human error. So maybe there is tension because the Seer aggressively self-isolates so that Other People Will Not Fail Them and tension comes from interacting with other people they have extreme trust issues. Maybe the tension comes from them playing puppetmaster and trying to figure out which people they are willing to sacrifice for their goals, which people will fail them and which people they can and should hold onto, and from nobody really trusting them because everyone is well aware that the puppetmaster is willing to make sacrifices.

And finally -- just knowing the future doesn’t mean you can fix it. I don’t know about you, but even if I had perfect foreknowledge of the future, I would not be truly happy just personally thriving as idk rich and a famous mathematician and physicist and married to my fiance and maybe the books that I want to be published published and enough money to give to all my friends too and maybe can we have warp drives I want to go to space and inventing some solid if not immortality-tech then life-extension tech would be cool -- which, like, is everything I could personally wish for from life and more -- but in the world that we have? like, climate change SUCKS. fascism SUCKS. racism SUCKS. sexism and homophobia and poverty and class wars disguised as generational wars and all of the existing structures that reinforce all of these things SUCK. and even personally having perfect foreknowledge of the future enough to either start with or build up a bunch of political power and money, to try to change any of that would mean going against incredibly entrenched institutions that I honestly have no idea how effective one person could be at changing. Like if B*zos suddenly decided “wait let’s save the world and make a socialist utopia” do you actually think he would succeed? or even get very far? even applying every single resource he commands? or would he just.... lose a lot of his money and power trying to do that and then someone else becomes the richest person in the world who does want to maintain the system. because a lot of that power are things that do not exist, like stocks, it’s imaginary money that the moment you stop playing the game you get kicked out of the game and maybe you can make tiny changes but the game itself doesn’t stop

so baaaasically consider making your Seer a radical anarchist or at least someone who cares about tackling large-scale problems that one individual will never be able to solve, to play the “well if a very powerful individual had a single-minded focus on trying to fight these things could we at least get further than every single powerful person wanting to screw us over or just not caring?” game -- that creates tension because global problems can only be solved by global and communal actions, and one individual, no matter how perfectly they can see the future, cannot do that on their own

2. “Psychic powers don’t make you popular.” This is my obligatory “I just rewatched Mob Psycho 100 and am obsessed with it seriously consider watching it if you haven’t.” I know I keep bringing up MP100 but hear me out my favorite media is where the main character is stupidly overpowered so I don’t have to be stressed at all consuming it and MP100 maybe is the most touching but also well thought out and interestingly plotted version of that I’ve ever seen  But the basic premise of Mob Psycho 100 is that the main character, Mob, is a middle schooler with the most powerful psychic abilities in the world. The tension comes from: (1) Mob is not in total control over his powers and feels really really bad when he loses control and for example uses his powers against another person even in self-defense because that’s a Rule he made for himself that he really doesn’t want to cross ever. Which with a Seer, maybe you have a Seer that Cares Deeply About Other People’s Privacy, or who Cares Deeply About Having Real Relationships That They Do Not Manipulate, or who Cares Deeply About Their Achievements Being Their Own and so they don’t use their powers in everyday life out of moral considerations, except sometimes gods in stressful situations you just want everything to be okay so the tension of “do I fix this right now or is this crossing a line” drives your story. (2) because Mob isn’t using his powers in everyday life, while he is having these giant badass psychic battles with ghosts and evil psychics as a part-time job after school and yeah yeah you know he’s going to win, the tension and growth in the story comes from the gains that he is making in his personal life of, like, “oh he made a friend!!!!! oh he stood up for himself even though that’s really hard for him and he set a boundary!!!! oh he’s working really really hard towards his goal of being better at running!!!!! oh look he’s grown so much at episode 1 he didn’t talk to anyone his own age or have anything to do and now he’s doing things for himself!!!” Having your Seer take the ethics of not using seeing into the future to manipulate the people around them really really seriously, working very hard at tiny life things and then being a complete fucking badass that is putting down world-threatening threats as hobby that they kind of don’t view as that important in defining them as a person or defining their accomplishments or how they feel about themselves means that it doesn’t matter how overpowered they are in terms of their abilities, your audience will care and be invested in the tiny life accomplishments that they are working so hard to do on their own, and will be proud of their personal growth.

3. Blind Spots. Exactly what it sounds like, can your Seer really see everything? Perfectly? And if they do see everything do they know the exact effect that acting differently will cause? Or are they limited visions -- they only come at certain times, they only are about very specific things, the Seer cannot control when they happen, etc. The more specific and limited your visions are, the harder they have to actually work to figure out how to interpret them and best play the cards that they have, so maybe finding that perfect happy life isn’t actually all that easy. 

Alternatively, your Seer can only see the natural future, what would happen if they do not change their actions. If they change their actions, they can’t re-glimpse the new version, so it’s up to their best guess as to whether or not their plans to make things better will actually make things better. You can create a shit-ton of tension there if only because Plans Never Go Perfectly. Honestly at this point you’re just writing a slightly different version of those “MC is a Super Genius” books that instead of them making good plans because they are a Super Genius, it is good plans because they can see the future, I stand by childhood me that the first three Artemis Fowl books are great and honestly I’m pretty sure the plot wouldn’t really change too much if you added “Artemis can see what future would happen if he didn’t take any actions to interfere” and it would just be another interesting trait that was a part of his planning process.

And even if your Seer can see re-glimpse the new version, they are human. They have only a finite amount of time, and a finite amount of brain space. You don’t need to make the rules of Seer powers be that “they can see all of spacetime and all possibilities of the past and future perfectly all the time.” They can miss things by not thinking something is important and looking in a different direction. You can build up tension around they can only look into the future, not the past, they missed something, and now they don’t know what they missed and what to target to fix it. Or play the finite amount of time bit very hard: if they see the effects of deciding one particular course of action, it takes [x] time for the vision to complete, then they need to try to see the effects of one other particular course of action, and they can only effectively run a handful of simulations -- or even hundreds or thousands, but the answer is still a finite number of dear gods is nature chaotic / the butterfly effect is built into every single physics equation that there is that describes the world -- so tension comes from even if they can check that a plan is good, they still have to come up with a plan to change the future, and can only come up with so many plans in the time that they have. 

4. Existential Crisis. You made Seer powers “they can see all of spacetime and all possibilities of the past and future perfectly all the time.” idk I would find life terribly boring and have an existential crisis over that probably? of am I even human? does anything I do matter? does anyone else exist, really, since I can see and control every aspect of their lives? am I a god? how do I relate to anyone? how do I care about anything? 

In this setup, your main character would not be the Seer, it would be a person or group of people who are either trying to Save The World or Accomplish Something Important or even Accomplish Something Selfish who spend the story trying to befriend the Seer and get their help goddamnit because the moment the Seer is on their side, they win. and then the tension comes from the Seer keeps refusing but is ~slowly opening their heart~, jaded older mentor figure adopts tiny adorable hopeful child is the found family JAM and then your main character finally decides they aren’t getting the help and goes off and does the incredibly dangerous thing alone and the Seer realizes too late that oh nooo my tiny son is in danger and at just the last moment decides fuck it and leaps back into the game to try to help and save them and oh both the glorious drama and all the best tropes all of them seriously if you write this book ping me I’ll read it I’m a sucker for jaded old loner adopts Naive Hopeful Hero Who Is Going To Save The World Even If It Kills Them and jaded old loner just spends the entire time going “oh no. oh no tiny child. oh gods I’m coming out of retirement aren’t I. tiny child please. please have you considered just being chill so that I don’t have to come out of retirement” and then just. the SATISFACTION. when they come in at just the right moment and the tension leading up to it when you didn’t know if they were going to or not. it’s poetry.

This can also pretty easily be done without the Seer having godlike powers, just pretty strong powers-- have them have made their life perfect, found it empty, and fallen into a depressive fugue then use the above plot for the same effect. 

5. Make Them Your Villain. The final way of dealing with making tension and having an overpowered character is, uh..... it’s only no tension when your protagonist doesn’t need to struggle to reach their goals. if the antagonist is walking down easy street that only makes things all the more stressful because how do you beat that? and that is all of the tension in your book: figuring it out.

a subgenre of this is Seer v Seer: the best possible future for one Seer is not necessarily the best possible future for another Seer, so if you have multiple Seers, Seers clashing against other Seers that have the same powers which means their powers aren’t necessarily an advantage is a shit-ton of tension. That is.... pretty much the plot of trash novel? So I’d rather not go into detail about how I personally am doing it, but anytime people who have the same abilities fight, they’re on equal ground, you don’t know who is going to win, so boom, tension.

6. Seers are illegal/ kidnapped by the government the moment they are discovered to work for the government only/ targeted for kidnapping by all sorts of powerful groups, so your Seers need to aggressively hide their powers and the more they use them to make their life perfect, the more in danger they are; even if they can use their abilities to avoid ever being captured, they will be on the run their entire lives if they get found out.

[kokoinupi]

Jitterbug (Hashiya Nanashi, feat. Hatsune Miku & MEIKO) analysis, from an autistic point of view

Disclaimer: This is based on my personal experience growing up with autism, and the experiences of the people around me. This song is also really gay by nature, so if MikuMei isn't your thing, this is your warning. Obviously this is in no way any sort of official analysis, and actually, ironically due to my autism, I may misinterpret some things or have a hard time not taking lines literally, so don't get mad at me if I get something clearly wrong. I'm just very passionate about this interpretation, and this song comes very close to representing a real (canon) autistic experience. No one else seems to comment on it from that point of view though, so naturally I had to write this up! This is also my first full analysis, and I'm not good at being concise, so please bear with me!

[[MORE]]

Overview: The video, for me, is a major factor in how Jitterbug comes across as an autistic narrative. The name itself, while it is still a reference to a 1920s dance (befitting of the electroswing style of the song), doubles as a meaning for someone who can't sit still, and actually on a personal note was an affectionate nickname my family called me as a kid, so that tipped me off right away. All throughout the video, I noticed most of all, the way Meiko moves her hands while she dances is very close to stimmy behavior, not really like how a neurotypical would normally dance (nor is it a part of the jitterbug itself). While Meiko is moving her hands like that, Miku very often has something in her mouth, either a kind of stick, or the laser pointer, definitely suggesting an oral fixation. Of course, both girls obscure their eyes with sunglasses (I think Meiko's aviators look so cool), and while that definitely has some metaphorical meaning as others have pointed out in their analyses of the song, it's really not uncommon for autistic people to wear shaders and/or noise dampeners to combat overstimulation and sensory issues. None of these things on their own prove anything, of course, as the video is often a small part of a song's meaning, so let's dive into the main course!

Lyric analysis:

I can't talk about any wishes, nor my ideals

Giving out the same, invariant answer all the time

For being the first line in this song, this really already punches home the idea that Miku is dissatisfied with herself, and, as is often the case with autistic people, doesn't even know how she's supposed to navigate the world. She either doesn't know her aspirations in life, or doesn't know how to talk about them without being judged.

You don't need a rotten yesterday

Dump it before you get betrayed

Meiko, being the free spirit in contrast to the masking, frustrated Miku, assures her that she can't just hold onto bad things that happened, being judged or not knowing herself, she needs to dump her perfectionist tendencies and learn to live as herself a little before her own precariously-built persona comes crashing down on her.

Just fully utilize it, tame it

Can't give it away nor dye it tomorrow

I'm fully ready

Meiko tells Miku that she has to learn to work with herself the way she is, find her talents and use them fully, rather than constantly trying to change or push her feelings deep down. She can't give away her personality, and she can't truly make herself different inside, no matter how hard she masks on the outside.

Hungry critics that can't even move

are just glancing at you sideways

The people who would judge Miku for who she is are just hungry for something to laugh at, someone to other or exclude, but when it comes down to it, they're no real threat. If she can just get over that initial hurdle, she'll realize her haters are just pathetically lapping at any entertainment they can get, and they're really not that scary at the end of the day.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots

Given this is the first line they sing together, it almost feels like an admission on Miku's part, she wants to believe Meiko and stand up for herself for once, even if it is just among them for now.

Come at nights, grab my hand and dance

The girls are obviously fond of each other (just gals being pals), and in a way, understand one another on a deeper level than other people understand them, having similar neurotypes. Dancing itself is sort of a wild, energetic activity, that can help express a wide variety of pent-up emotions, and the jitterbug itself is a pretty manic dance that fits the image rather well.

Use your eyes only for me and let's light it up,

Your one and only, scorching laser light

This line is honestly just gay. I don't think there's any deeper meaning to the laser light specifically, but it is a cute thing to call your funky spunky girlfriend, isn't it? It actually may be a reference to how Miku really is on the inside, bright and strange, and often blinding and scorching to others. She hides that side of her pretty well normally, but with Meiko it's not only fine to be bright and weird and full of personality, but actually encouraged.

Fitfully ranking things and aligning them vertically

Abandoning my heart, I convert them to numbers out of impulse

Honestly, upon my first translated listen of this song, I didn't think absolutely anything autistic was happening until this line hit me. This is so autistic in nature, I'm surprised that a lot of analyses leave it out. Miku not only sees the world in sets and orders and numbers like many autistics do, but actually feels (most likely from outside influence) that by her brain being wired to see the world like that, she's abandoned her humanity and become a robot.

The magic gradually faded out

Instead, pessimism flowed in and was entrenched

I'm taking a little liberty here, but many autistics with savant syndrome (and/or gifted kid syndrome) are praised in their youth for the amazing things they can do, such as doing complex math quickly or reading at a faster speed than their peers, but later in life, when those skills are either no longer relevant or have averaged out, the things they used to be praised for become seen as annoying, not something to brag about, or a burden. Miku no longer sees the way her brain works as magical and special anymore, it's a curse and proof to her that she's not like the people around her.

Struck speechless by the awful scenery,

Very clearly overstimulation.

I linger in the raining streets, soaked from head to toe

Some wait for the sun, some grumble about the rain

All pointing at me inside their umbrellas

This line could very well be taken literally, but it's most clearly just a way of describing how different Miku is truly. She doesn't see the same things as bad as other people, she doesn't see the same things as good either. She could be the type that embraces darkness in life, both literally and figuratively. People may not actually point, but she can feel eyes on her, and it makes her feel even more alienated. Even when she tries so hard to fit in, there are some parts of her that are too obvious to change, and she knows she draws attention anyway.

Who cares! Ignore them right now

Let's smile, choose my hand and sing

Feel the rhythm with your heart and dance

I'm not sure exactly why, but the line about feeling the rhythm with your heart made me feel really connected to the song. It might just be because of my own personal music stim habits, but either way it's another line about leaving behind your facade, being as true to your nature as possible, and just dancing out your worries to the beat of the song.

On this rainy stage, as bright as the scorching light

This line embraces the idea of Miku preferring the rain. No one else has to like the stage they set for themselves, because when they're together, it's just about them and what they want to do. Miku can soak herself in rain and bright, scorching light, and just exist with no one around to point and stare.

Eyes go dim and words are lost

While this can just be a reference to depression in general, it's worth noting that many autistics have trouble showing expressions, and/or go nonverbal, often in response to stress or unusually upsetting circumstances.

The colors of today have faded out

Still, it couldn't end because of someone

This can be a way of insinuating that Miku is actually suicidal due to how she's seen by others, and Meiko is the one thing keeping her here, or it could just mean that Meiko stopped her days from getting too bad in a moderate sense. Either way, pretty gay, and shows more how much the girls depend on each other in mutual understanding.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots!

Come at nights, dance and grasp your aspirations

Referring back to the first line, Meiko does assure Miku that not everything needs to be worked out for others' sake, but by spending time with your true self and unpacking your feelings, the future you're supposed to have and the things that truly make you happy will become clear.

I shall dedicate my entire life to you

Let's shine on, like the scorching light

Reach your hands out, until the very end

Miku is in lesbians with her. Ending the song on such a gay note is never a bad thing of course, but it is a little anticlimactic for this analysis. Though, the line of reaching your hands out might actually refer to their hand movements in the video, symbolizing to keep being weird and authentic as long as you can, but that may be a bit of a stretch (or a reach, if you will)

Final thoughts: I have seen other analyses (though not as in-depth) about the meaning of the song, and while they definitely do have some meaning and I can see it from that point of view, there are just some obviously autistic cues that I couldn't ignore that just swayed my perception of the song entirely that direction. I'm not sure if I only picked up that meaning because of my own experiences biasing my view, or if I actually am onto something with the original intention of the song. If you guys have any insight to offer on any of the lyrics, or if I missed or misinterpreted something, feel free to let me know! Thanks for reading this far, honestly! 🌸

[viscerallywilbur]

Daniel appreciation post

I have a little rat bastard named Daniel Kelly Hammond and everyone hates him but he's a good man.

This daft motherfucker is hated by just about everyone in the story but I love and appreciate him, and here's why:

He had no idea Jackson and Sean were finally together when he and Sean hooked up.

He deeply regretted banging a taken man and tried dozens of time to apologize only to be shut down.

He works ridiculously hard to keep himself in college, paying all he's remaining fees himself because he only got a partial scholarship.

He does everything he can to not be a burden on his aunts because he knows they didn't have to take him in.

He feels bad for his mother rather than hating her despite her abusive tendencies that had eventually led to his own father's death.

He tries ridiculously hard to stay positive despite his shitty situation, but still acknowledges his own mental health and need to go to therapy and take his antidepressants.

•He's not the bad guy!!!

Something to consider next time you read about Jackson being a bitch.

Also an excerpt from later on in the book:

    He went to bed knowing he had plenty to think over now, and as his eyes fluttered shut wondered what the future had in store for him. He drifted off, and then woke up somewhere entirely new.

Jackson was beyond confused to see that he had woken up in a dark, snowy environment he had no recognition of. From what he could see, he was resting in a chair on the back end of an old fishing boat. Out front, a dim yellow light shone off into the distance illuminating the falling snow ahead. He got up and made his way forward, noticing only then the moving shadow of a person drifting across the snowy background. When he turned the corner he was in complete disbelief seeing who it was.

“Daniel?” He gasped.

The figure turned to look at him and clearly couldn’t believe his eyes either.

“Clarke? How the hell did you manage to get all the way out here?” Daniel flared.

“I honestly have no idea. How are you here?”

“I don’t know either to tell the truth, but last I checked I was on this boat alone.”

If he were honest, Jackson was pretty disappointed seeing just how upset Daniel was seeing him. He’d realized what an asshole he’d been to Daniel a long time ago, and he’d really thought this would be his chance to finally make amends with him. He also, however, completely understood why Daniel wouldn’t want to.

“Fine,” He said. “I’ll take the loss. I guess I’ll just go wait back where I woke up and maybe I’ll end up home again.”

Without another word, Jackson turned right back around and did just what he said he would. He didn’t take into consideration just how cold it was as he sat and waited, before long he was curled up and shivering. He listened to the waves as he waited, thinking about what could’ve turned Daniel since he’d last seen him. Jackson thought he’d finally come around since he didn’t kill him, but then again, maybe he just didn’t want that blood on his hands.

“I guess I can’t really blame him though, can I?” He muttered to himself.

Boy was he right about that. He couldn’t help but think back to all of the times he’d treated Daniel like shit since they’d met. If he were to put them all together he’d have an entire weeks worth of video footage. The worst part was that he often didn’t even realize what he was doing. It just kept happening that he was so caught up in his own shit that…

“Hey.” He heard from behind him.

… That he didn’t even realize what was happening around him. Jackson turned to see Daniel behind him, who tossed him a thick jacket.

“It’s pretty cold out man, I’m pretty sure we're somewhere in the Arctic.” Daniel huffed, not looking Jackson in the eye.

Jackson muttered thanks in return, wasting no time before putting it on. Daniel lead him into the sheltered part of the boat where a space heater was kept so he could warm up, but the icy silence between them started to prove to be the real issue.

“Daniel...” Jackson tried breaking the silence, not quite knowing how.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Daniel chose for him.

“Oh yeah. That one just seems to be a given with me I guess.” Jackson let out a pained laugh.

Again he was left with nothing but a glimpse of a cold glare from Daniel, then a chilled silence.

“I’m sorry about all that you know.” Jackson reached out.

“And you should be.” Daniel retorted, leaving him hanging.

“Look, Daniel, I know I treated you like absolute garbage, but honestly I finally realized it was me who’s been the asshole. Hell, all the shit I was mad at you over wasn’t even your damn fault.” He paused a moment. “Shit, if anything, I'm the bad guy here.”

“Yea, you kinda are.” Daniel retorted, seeming to retreat again after a second. “It’s just… Well, Sean’s been there for me our whole damn lives, then suddenly he grows a ‘conscience’ and up and leaves? All ‘cause of what anyway? Some foreign twink he met like a month ago?” He finally stopped himself, looking away.

“Did you just call me a twink?”

“That’s beside the point!”

It took them a second, but they both couldn’t help laughing at that.

“But anyway,” Daniel continued. “It was just kinda bullshit man, I was pretty much left stranded there.”

“I can get that.” They stayed quiet again for a moment. “Damn, even I’d be pretty pissed with my dumbass if I’d have known that. Shit, I am. Of course my stupid twink self had to go and latch on to the first asshole who’d look my way. I guess I just really missed my childhood ‘friend.’ Then again, that bitch turned out to be some murderous psychopath anyway.”

“You’ve got some pretty shit taste in guys, huh?” Daniel joked.

“Boy, are you right about that!” Jackson laughed. “What’s that say about you then?”

“Whaddya mean by that?”

“Sean and Tobias? Same shit choices as me man.”

“Oh yeah right, I’m not gay dude.”

“Hold up, what?” Jackson stopped. “You’ve literally only ever been interested in guys as far as I’ve seen. Shit, you’ve definitely fucked at least two.”

Daniel froze up at this.

“Wh- I- That-” He seemed to be getting flustered. “Shit, I’m gay aren’t I?”

“You really need me to tell you that?”

“Well, I just- I’ve never really thought about it before. Definitely never admitted it before.” Daniel submitted.

“Really? How?”

“I don’t know, my mom’s just really against gays so I never even considered it in the first place.”

“Oh, wow.” Jackson was  . “Daniel, I am so sorry…”

“Don’t be man, that one’s not your fault.”

“Still, that’s gotta be pretty damn rough. I don’t know how I could live without my mom’s support. She’s got my  it comes to just about everything.”

“Must be nice. But hey, it’s not like it’s much of an issue anymore. I’d been living with my aunts since I was like fifteen.”

“Aunts? So like-”

“Yea! Man, they’re great. It’s really cool actually having an example of a normal healthy relationship in my life. Guess the psychological damage on me was already done though.”

“That’s actually incredible man! I guess it’s too bad I’ll never actually get to meet them though, they sound great.” Jackson gushed.

“Maybe you could if you ever get off this boat, let me write their address down for you.”

Jackson couldn’t help grinning at how happy Daniel looked writing it out for him on little notecard. He honestly couldn’t even remember a time when Daniel seemed happy to be around him in the first place. Daniel handed him the address and sat back in his chair.

“Man, it actually feels pretty damn nice to admit it. Now that I think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a connection with a chick beyond being friends.” Daniel laughed. “So what’s that mean now? Am I like… out of the closet or whatever it was?”

“Yea, I guess so.” Jackson smiled at him.

They sat quietly for a short while looking out at the snow.

“You know what?” Daniel interrupted the quiet. “I’m sorry too Jackson, for not seeing that Sean was the problem that whole damn time.”

“He had good intentions, but that fucker sure made a mess of things, huh?”

“You got that right.” He laughed. “I’ll be honest, I hope we get to see each other again Jackson, I get the feeling you’ll be out of here much quicker than I will.”

“Me too Daniel, me too.”

With that, despite having just woken up Jackson's eyelids grew heavy again, returning him to his cell with sunlight streaming in onto his eyes.

In conclusion, Daniel deserves love too.

[gmarytherese]

The only life worth living

Perhaps some lessons in life, we are meant to walk through them ourselves before we will actually learn and become convicted. Growing up in church and around God-fearing friends and adults, I was constantly told that choosing Christ will bring me greater fulfilment, joy and peace. For the largest part of my life, I trusted these words as words of truth. I'm not one to question unnecessarily, possibly cause of sloth, but in any case I never questioned it. I believed fully that it is only in pursuing what is of God that I will be satisfied.

Yet last year, everything for me came crashing down. Since 2012 after a relationship ended, I sought to focus fully on Christ and in seeking Him with all my heart. I held on closely to the belief that if I focus fully on Christ, He will clear my path before me and give me what my heart seemingly desired the most at the right time. And so it is in 2016 that I felt that God has finally answered the desires of my heart and that was to send me a man who was God fearing.

"I knew my God was a faithful God; years of being faithful to Him are finally rewarded by granting me this relationship."

How transactional my thoughts were! Yet, those were my genuine thoughts and emotions then. I felt that the years of being faithful to Christ and constantly choosing Him was finally rewarded. Yet, the relationship came to an end very quickly and my world turned upside down.

I felt betrayed by God, angry even. What was the point of being faithful to Christ when what I ended up with was yet another heartbreak? Slowly but surely, the anger began to die down; but what replaced that anger on the other hand, was indifference and apathy. Precisely because I was angry with God, I chose to stay away from Him. Thus, I found comfort with my non-church friends who would bring me out for drinks and to just have a good time to unwind and get my mind off things.

Over time, I started to question what many have told me since I was young.

"Can I really only find fulfilment, peace, joy and happiness in the church and in Christ?"

I started to question because I looked around me and saw that my friends who were not christians continued to live what seemed like happy and contented lives! For years I found myself choosing to sacrifice desires of my heart in order to be faithful to Christ; yet here I was with a broken heart while my non Christian friends, had the beautiful live that I wanted! Many are happily married or engaged, and the future holds such a beautiful promise of raising families. That had long been my dream, but I found myself so far from it. What a fool I must have been! Must I really choose to sacrifice all these because Christ is inviting me for more? I mean, can he really offer me more than what my non Christian friends have, cause frankly, they seem happy enough.

With that, I convinced myself that it was okay to choose to live a life apart from Christ. I still went for community sessions and for daily mass even, but my heart was far from Christ. I started to live as a child of the world and not just god's child in the world. After the heartbreak, I longed for companionship and now without any guilt in my indifferent and apathetic heart, I sought to fill my desires for companionship by being with a guy who was going after me.

"Everyone in our world does it now. People who are attracted to each other just get together, sleep together and all of that and they are happy! I can live that life too! Honestly, who cares about Christ's standards when all it seems to bring is pain and sacrifice."

And so with these thoughts and new found beliefs, I dived head in into living this life of merely seeking for temporal pleasures.

Slowly, life became a meaningless routine. I would wake up every morning, attend daily mass and then head to work. After work, I would either go out to drink with friends or hang out with the guy to satisfy my need for companionship and then head home to rest. Next morning, the cycle repeats itself. Everyday was the same and life became monotonous and meaningless.

Yet in those few months on hindsight, I saw how God continued to reach out his hand towards me, beckoning me to come home.

"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it?

- Luke 15:4

During the night when i found myself alone with my thoughts (because I somehow didn't fill my day up with activities), I felt the most extreme and intense pangs of loneliness.

Whenever I met my friends for drinks, or whenever I'm with that guy, I was happy. Yet, this happiness didn't last long and I found myself constantly seeking for yet another drinking session or night with the guy when the pleasure and happiness from the previous session wears off.

I felt like I was hooked onto a drug that could only give me a high for short period of time, and I constantly needed and craved for more. The scary part was that I knew if I didn't fill my days with these activities, I would come face to face with essentially the pains and loneliness that my heart has been trying to alert me too; and so to avoid that, I sought to fill my days and nights with more activities, and more superficial and self seeking relationships. I found myself trapped in a vicious cycle of superficiality and selfishness.

But as I wrote earlier, our God is a God who constantly pursues even though none of us are worthy of his time and his love. The moments of grace came when I found myself in unplanned moments of silence and aloneness as I lay on my bed at night. My heart had felt happiness no doubt when I was with my friends and the guy, yet alone, I realised how my life became meaningless and I found myself incredibly alone. Though I was constantly surrounded by people, even a guy who was attracted to me and vice versa, I found myself experiencing the greatest loneliness I have ever experienced when these temporal satiation wears off. But what was truly unbearable, was the thought that I was not living for anything anymore. I was merely existing, no longer living.

I found that I no longer lived for anything as everyday just became a routine and a constant seeking of temporal pleasures. Honestly, it is in these moments of true aloneness that one begins to realize the true state of one's life. I realised life for me, became reduced to one of loneliness and meaninglessness.

And it was in this darkest moment of my life, that I knew the people in church were right. I can only live a fulfilled life that is joy and peace filled if I choose to walk in the way of Christ. Sure, choosing to walk in the way that Christ is calling me to walk involves a lot of sacrifice and pain, and frankly sometimes seem foolish in the eyes of the world.

Yet from my own experience, I firmly believe that it is easy to be fooled by the happy faces that we see around us into believing that maybe we don't need Christ in our lives. If you saw me when I was drinking with my friends or with the guy, I would exude happiness, as though I was contented with life. Yet, what we do not see are the moments where these people find themselves alone and faced with the reality of the state of their lives, just as I had experienced when I lay alone on my bed at night.

Are they truly happy living a life apart from Christ, we will never know. What I know is that in those few months of rebelling and choosing to walk in the ways of the world, I never felt more alone and I found life incredibly meaningless. What was the point of living if it is just chasing after what is temporal and short lived?

With that realisation when I found myself alone and having to face the reality of my life and soul then, I understood that I needed to allow Christ back in my life and that began the slow process of coming back to Him. It was difficult because I had to break off the relationship that though granted me the companionship I desired, also became an obstacle to me giving my life and heart entirely to Jesus. After weeks of wrestling with God, I was granted the grace and courage to end the relationship with finality; and with that painful and difficult choice, I was finally able to move on and mend my relationship with Jesus.

Although I had been so unfaithful to Christ, I knew that He was still pursuing me and wanted my heart to be His completely and so ending the relationship was essential. I still suffer the consequences of ending the relationship cause I still see this guy at times, and there continues to be a lot of tension and awkwardness. Yet, I understood that this is just one of the tiny crosses that I have to bear to once again get back onto the path of Christ. I choose to bear the cross of awkwardness, tension and pain in exchange for eternal joy and salvation.

To say that the mere realisation that my life has been reduced to just chasing after temporal pleasures was enough to steer me back onto the path of eternal joy and salvation would be an oversimplification and inaccurate. What God blessed me with during that time (and still continues too), were friends who continued to pray for me and to challenge me to come back. I know that without the prayers and the constant support of these friends that Christ has placed in my life, I would still be lost in the vicious cycle of superficiality.

Looking back, I see how I could have avoided those months of darkness if I had just listened to the words spoken to me since young about the joy and fulfilment that only life with Christ can bring. Yet I also acknowledge that without having gone through this experience myself, I would never have been as convicted of how necessary Christ is in my life and in everybody's life. And most importantly, I am immensely grateful that God never gave up on me though I tried to ran far away from His love.

"Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you."

- Psalm 139:7-12

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, don't settle for less just cause it is easier or when things get tough in life, because trust me, the joy and peace from following Christ's way far outweighs the sacrifices and sufferings that He invites us to carry this day. Trust me.