#honestly if i could get down to 180 by december i would be so psyched

[flowerfluffchronicles]

started a gym membership so that I can go to a pool regularly. cuz like i walk for about 2 hours every morning, but that doesn't really do anything for my arms, you know?

And I'm small enough to fit into my old bathing suit now! And the water made my hips hurt less, too, which was nice

I'm at 226.2 lbs. I've lost roughly half a lb a day for the last 7 days (the day before that I only lost .2 lbs) <3

I had a burger today tho, so I probably won't lose as much tomorrow (but it's all I ate so I'm hoping I won't gain anything back, either)

and! I don't think I've felt that creepy pressure in my back for like...4 days? I still think it's tied into eating, but I don't know what specifically triggers it.

I've been keeping track of what I eat, but I haven't been keeping track of the pain, which is stupid. I should add the pain into my food log to see if I can find a correlation, especially since I'm seeing a doctor about it in 13 days and will need to update her on how things are going.

[nguyenlisahx333]

December 12, 2017

Ever since the summer, I’ve noticed that my depression and anxiety symptoms were getting worse, and that my suicidal thoughts were getting stronger. I am fragile, and I am filled with hopelessness, guilt, and anger. The idea of killing myself gets more and more tempting each day. -I stopped taking my medications for about 3 weeks now. My therapist asked why? I told her because I was tired of feeling numb and that I wanted to feel the emotional pain that I deserve.(The things that goes on in my mind is very hard to explain.. I mean, I can’t even explain it myself. Shit, I don’t even understand half of the things that goes on in my head. I have trouble talking about my thoughts and feelings and it makes me so angry because it stops me from getting the help that I need...)There is a pounding in my head thats making me go insane by the second. It’s like a ticking time bomb.... and there’s a voice that keeps telling me to do it. “Just do it! Kill yourself.” “It’s okay, kill yourself” “you’re a joke, just do it!” “You’re stupid, you can’t do anything right please do a world a favor and kill yourself!”And the thing is, I’m afraid to actually tell someone that I want to kill myself because I don’t want anyone to stop me. I’m afraid of judgement, and being viewed as crazy or overdramatic.I’m hard to love. I’m always fucking up every opportunity I have in my life. I hate myself. I’m a burden, disgrace, & an embarrassment.

- On december 12, 2017

My therapist reported me for having suicidal ideation.I was sent to the hospital against my own will.It all started when I told her the ways I thought about killing myself, and how I already packed my belongings and given some things away. But before I “left” Nazareth, I wanted to paint a mural for my friend Nick. I want to paint a mural in the tunnels at Nazareth to emphasize the importance of mental health and suicide awareness. 

---I have melatonin and alcohol in my room. I planned on getting drunk then overdosing on a bottle of 180 pills of melatonin 5mg.When my therapist reported me, I was angry and frustrated because I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I lied and told her that everything was a misunderstanding and that i don’t intend on doing it all, but they are simply just thoughts. She wouldn’t listen. 

- she told that I had the option between going to the hospital or speaking with the mobile crisis team who would meet me on campus. From my understanding, I was told that if I met with the mobile crisis team, I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital.They lied. Because right after I met with them there were a bunch of cops outside waiting for me to take me to the hospital.No matter how many times i told everyone that it was misunderstanding they wouldn’t listen to me.. The police dropped me off at the emergency center at strong hospital and signed me in, and then right after, I was on my own. I was in a busy room of doctors and nurses running around with sick and angry patients. I was terrified. No one acknowledge me, and I was sitting there just thinking of how i shouldn’t be there. My anxiety told me not to move. I felt that everyone was judging me for some reason, even if they didn’t know the reason why I was there. A patient care tech, then told me to go sit by the elevator where someone will assist me to the psychiatric floor. I waited about half an hour.They took my jacket, shoes, keys,phone, and socks. And scanned me down. Once i got to the psychiatric floor, the lady that dropped me off told me that I can only walk around this floor and was not able to leave and then she left.I started crying because I wanted to talk to someone and no one was there. All the doctors and nurses treated me like another number. They didn’t treat me nor look at me as a normal human being.Every patient on the floor was totally out of it. I felt like I was the only sane one there. The kid to my right was crying non stop.. I guess because someone close to him committed suicide, and he wanted to do it too but he’s there at the hospital.The guy to my left likes talking to girls and touching them inappropriately.. He kept staring at me. There were no clocks on the wall and I couldn’t tell what time it was, which made the time go by slowly........ When it was finally my turn to follow up with the nurse, he was being extremely rude and judgmental. He definitely saw me as a another sick patient and didn’t give two fucks about me. It was almost like he was waiting to clock out because he’s tired of everyone “bullshit”.After, I was left back out into the hallway again waiting for who knows how long for the psychiatrist.Time went by very slowly, and I honestly felt like I was going insane. I kept walking back and forth in the halls because I couldn’t stand the loneliness and empty  feeling i had. I needed to do something and I needed to talk to someone but I didn’t because I couldn’t..? No one acknowledge my existence there except for the really creepy guy who likes talking to girls..........He eventually came up to me and tried to talk to me. He asked if I was married, and how old I was.. And you know, just like creepy questions. But in that moment, I was really desperate for a conversation so I kept talking to him. Eventually one the nurses came out and yelled at him to get away from me and thats when he went crazy and started yelling profanity, hitting doors and walls. I was pushed into a small room and was locked in for a few minutes because the staff feared for my “safety”. I never saw that guy again that night. I was let out in the hallway again with nothing to do. I eventually started crying because I felt alone and scared. I felt like I was never going to leave that shitty place. I didn’t know how long I was crying because there were no clocks. I eventually pulled myself together and went over to a different corner and sat there thinking about my life until one of the really nice psych techs stood next to me on his phone. And I asked him if he was busy, and he responded 

“no, why? did you need something?”

 - “No, I just need someone to talk to.”

We started talking, and he told me about his family and how he was really proud of his two daughters for making it into the medical program at the university of rochester. He talked a lot about his culture and what his favorite foods were. It made time go by. And for a minute I felt normal again. Again, I didn’t know how long we were talking because there was no clock around, but it didn’t seem too long before the psychiatrist came out and pulled me into a room.The psychiatrist was nice....but that was it. I feel like he didn’t genuinely care about my mental health and that he just wanted me to tell him whats wrong and he’ll just decide if he’ll discharge me or not and then move on to the next patient. I waited hours just to see the psychiatrist for 10 minutes.. I basically bullshitted my way out to going home. He eventually told me that I could go home, and let me out into the hallway again where I waited hours again.My experience in the hall way was much better this time, because I made a friend. His name was Justin. He was really nice, and was the highlight of my whole experience at the hospital. 

-He was in there for the same reason I was. We got to know each other pretty well, and I connected with him a lot.  I’ll never forget Justin. We shared a lot of stories, and i feel like i learned a lot from our conversations.I wish him the best, and I hope life gets better for him. I hope he doesn’t kill himself.it was about 10:45 when I got discharged from the psychiatric floor. The nurse gave me directions to the emergency room where I had to wait for an hour for a cab..... I made it back on campus.

---my mind is all of over the place. I was just typing whatever came to mind. Im not good at telling my experiences. This is a post just to post.