#honestly if anya had somehow tricked hallie or wormed her way out of the deal in selfless

[buffyandwillow]

just thinking, yet again, about how terrible and awful anya's death was.

thinking about the parallel of her last apocalypse vs her first apocalypse... how in season 3, she ran away and saved herself, yeah, vs season 7, where she made a commitment to stay and join the fight. there could have been a line to draw there, maybe, to justify this as a trajectory towards her dying for a worthy cause - except that chosen has nothing new to say about anya that hasn't already been said before.

the THING IS.... anya has already committed to fighting alongside the scoobies. she's pretty much been committed (ish) since she returned in s4. in s5, she literally fought a god with them. she's in the thick of it. sure, she makes remarks about running away, but her actions speak louder: again and again, she stays.

not only that, but by the end of the show, anya has already sacrificed herself - she was willing to die in selfless to reverse her wish granted. it was such an emotional scene that, to me, whether she lived or died in that moment wasn't actually the most important bit. the most important bit was that she took responsibility for the harm that she'd caused. in that moment, she took a look at her life's journey and decided that it was fair that her own life be traded to right her wrongs. she was ready to do that.

i think that selfless would have been more impactful if anya had survived the show, truly. imagine if she'd had the chance to explore the grief and guilt she felt in regards to hallie's death! d'hoffryn sparing anya and sacrificing hallie was meant as a punishment. imagine if she'd had to live with that the way that angel and spike-with-a-soul have to live knowing what they've done... how they have to feel that pain and Keep Going Anyway. but anya's never given the chance. god, we had a third demon character in the MAIN CAST who caused chaos for centuries and then reconnected with her humanity in such a wonderful way, except she was NEVER given the care and attention that the narrative gave angel+spike, and i will never not be salty about it.

in the end, her death feels pointless, and random, and the fact that we never got to see her loved ones grieve for her and celebrate her life on-screen just kills me.