#honestly closer to 30 than 25

[iamtheunicornwizard]

is it time/ to let/ it go?

When I was in the shower I had a cool thought that sounded all poetic and shit

And before that someone posted a pic of their cat in a mountain dew box in a design that hasn't existed since before my students were even born

And before even that I was driving home and the way the air smelled made me think of the backyard at my parents' house

A house that I haven't seen in four years

A house I haven't slept in for even longer

And all that just built up into some great thing that was going to be so smooth and polished

But now that I'm laying in bed in the dark with my cats and my husband

And Gravity Falls on the TV again

All I remember is that I felt really nostalgic

For a place that doesn't even exist anymore

And even though where I am is where I always dreamed about being

Something about never being able to go back really fucking sucks

[fieryvoid-scout]

I need this 28 year old to turn off all their electronics and go touch— no maybe even eat— grass already

[liquidorcard]

Lily can't keep her own "Sympathetic" Villains rules Straight: Anthony Gramuglia edition

See Crim's edition for the rules and outlines. Here we go.

Lily's Response to Ant:

Lily's probably going to get a significantly worse score on this one because me and Ant I think have similar media diets. We begin:

1. In the book, 100% he is THE villain. The movie not as much. Still though, I think movie Hammond more than fit's Lily's criteria. -1 life found a way

2. We already went over this (yes I am still writing p.3 of my Magneto post.) -1 Anthro cow delivering your children

3. Kyubey's keeping the universe from ending Lily. How could you get closer to having a point than that? -1 timeline

4. See Crim's post. He does fail #2. Again though, by Lily's original parameters this was a valid entry. But I have to give her the point. +1 spider gets it's legs ripped off

5. I bet she thought this was clever. -1 gate keeper.

6.N/A

7. I don't even know what she's talking about here. -1

8. Del Toro sends his regards. -1 Nerdy fish man.

9. LILY HASN'T SEEN THE BROADWAY SMASH HIT PLANET OF THE APES THE MUSICAL, STARRING TROY MCCLURE!? For shame! -1 (has anyone else watched that movie recently? I'm not saying it's aged poorly, but like, it is profoundly unintentionally hilarious, watching it in the modern day. I know this was like, the whole thing back then-- leading men who were too cool for school, but Taylor is such a fucking asshole. Cornelius is the real hero of the film, and everyone bullies him for not matching their lunatic energy. #justiceforCornelius #GeorgeTaylorisoverparty)

10. N/A (Trekkies don't try me.)

11. N/a

12. N/A (I mean I feel like I've probably seen the whole Mummy franchise just through memes at this point but. Lily's reasoning here is fucking asinine though-- as per usually Ant us uniquely getting her goat.)

13. This is actually the first example that breaks rule #3. Sorry fam I love Elfen Lied too, but it's a bit of a hot mess. +1 dead puppy

14. Scar is a dead ringer to Lily's criteria. She straight up just didn't have a pot to piss in, so she just wrote "no." -1 Dwarf in a flask

15. For the record, my boomer mom has seen Ghost in the Shell. The movie anyway. -1 body on loan

16. I watched this as a kid but can't really remember anything about it, so, I gotta put it as N/A.

17. This might actually be the first time I've seen anyone else memtion this movie . . . But still. -1 burnt wheelchair

18. Not plus ultra. -1 for all

19. Oh fuck off Lily. Glass houses. -1 jutsu

20. Sai, Crim and Ant spoke pretty extensively about this one. -1 angry hair raise

21. This one too. -1 demon pig

22. Yes she is. -1 dad

23. See Crim's list. -1 Prisoner 24601

24. N/A

25. Read ANY book, Lily. -1 absent godly parent.

26. I've only read the first one. N/A

27. Lily's reason here is bullshit but I haven't seen Columbo either. N/A

28. Why not Lily? -1 Jimbo

29. YES SHE FUCKING IS LILY. Just because in a modern context her story is a lot more tragic doesn't mean she isn't intended to be a villain. Lily made up the rule "has a point," but if they have an iron clad one she just declares them not a villain. -1 head

30. OBJECTION! NOW YOU REMEMBER VILLAIN AND ANTAGONIST ARENT TRUE SYNONYMS FOR EACH OTHER!? -1 Lily if you could just ONCE try to engage with a media discussion honestly.

31. N/A. I'll get around to watching it.

32. Not in Dracula Untold. -1 Damn Luke Evans looks like he was cloned from Orlando Bloom. I can't tell those two apart.

33. DIFFERENT DRACULAS. HOLY SHIT. -1 Lily this rational is so piss poor it's embarrassing. Even for you.

34. N/A

35. Isn't he in Kingdom Hearts? -1 Ah Ha Ha Ha

36. Another non-surprise. -1 traveler on his way home.

37. I haven't played enough Kurby to know why Meta Knight is a sympathetic villain. N/A

38. I've played enough to know Lily's right on this one. +1 Deddeddeedeeededededeeedede

39. A) several characters on both Crim and Ants' lists have been protagonists. B) IT'S FUCKING COMMON POPCULTURE KNOWLEDGE DONKEY KONG WAS THE ANTAGONIST IN THE FIRST APPEARANCE OF BOTH MARIO AND DK. -1 Lily I'm fucking shocked you don't know this. Genuinely. That's saying something, considering it's you.

40. Solid Lily continues to be the worst one. -1 LIQUIDDDDDDDD

41. Yes she is. Her point is the magic is what keeps her fucking family safe. -1 gift

42. You'd probably like this movie actually, Lily. Not the book, but. Or maybe not, there's no incest lesbians I guess. -1 sexy tree

43. I'm going to give Lily the point to maintain consistency that mind-manipulation doesn't count as "a point." Before he put on the crown he's not really even an antagonist, so. He IS an example of a sympathetic villain, however. +1

44. THERE ARE OTHER ANIMALS ON THIS LIST. Another one who's spot on, so she can't figure out how to even pretend to argue against it. -1 Beauty who killed the beast

45. GODZILLA ISN'T LITERALLY A NUKE. -1 pop culture jokes don't substitute proper media analysis

46. The Kaiju Lily. Her name is the title of the film. It's not Ant's fault You're too lazy to Google shit. -1 Viking Relic

(Biollante would have been my personal pick for sympathetic Kaiju. And her dad. She would have broken Lily's first rule since she's probably not aware of exactly what's happened to her, but. Her father at least fits Lily's criteria. A lot of the Kaiju are sympathetic though.)

47. This is a perfect example as to why Lily's rules are ridiculous. John Kramer is, in my opinion, outrageously unjustified in what he does. He follows her rules though. Having a bad point is still having a point. How "well written" he is wildly different depending on the movie, but because he's at least well written sometimes I'm counting him. -1 foot

48. You haven't read Paradise Lost Lily. I know you haven't. -1 Satan crying for everything he's lost

49. God Lily I wish you'd actually read something for once because this is an even better example as to why your rules are a joke. -1 Facist Worm King

50. This is a specific example. -1 tears, it's a waist of good suffering.

LILY'S FINAL SCORE: 19/50

38% - F

Got wrong: 24

Got right: 2

Removing the ones I haven't seen:

19/39

48% - F

Removing the ones Lily hasn't seen:

15/37

40% - F

Removing the ones we both haven't seen:

2/26

7% - F

[salted-fox-musings]

Ages at Death for CV Cast....According to Lea

Because fuck the canon and the unwritten rule that characters can't be over 30 per most forms of media. Louis Amamiya Canon: 20 Headcanon: 21-23 Reasoning: Honestly I'm fine with canon, give or take a few years. Early 20s matches his appearance and personality fairly well. Yakumo Shinonome Canon: 22 Headcanon: 25-28 Reasoning: I put Yakumo as slightly older than the canon because both appearance and personality wise, it seems that he has escaped that "new adult" phase though just barely. Mia Karnstein Canon: 18 Headcanon: 15-17 Reasoning: I'm gonna be real, I'm not the greatest fan of Mia's design. There is something... scummy about how she is portrayed as "looking underaged but trying to look older" that I struggle to look past. I kinda feel the "but she's 18!" was slapped on to not get the side-eye from the western audience. I understand that there are folks that look like teens but are actually adults, but she also acts like a teen in a lot of the scenes so yeah.... I struggle to see her as the same age as canon Eva which we will get to in a second. Jack Rutherford Canon: 22 Headcanon: 35-39 Reasoning: Banco, are you off your fucking nut? How the hell am I supposed to look at Jack and accept that he is the same age as Yakumo?! He definitely feels late 30s both physically and mentally versus early 20s. Eva Roux: Canon: 18 Headcanon: 30-33 Reasoning: Same as with Jack, I am questioning the dev's sanity. If kept to canon ages, she would be the same age as Mia. I've seen some say that Mia's life and being fed on by revenants as a human aged her rapidly which I'm not disputing I'm just.... 18 though? She feels closer to someone in their 30s. Io Canon: Unknown Headcanon: Io is Io Reasoning: Attendants are odd to begin with and Io is odder by far. I definitely say the marketing team had a hand in Io's physical appearance but mentally, Io feels closer to a child... albeit a rather strange and anomalous child. !!Special Mention!! Oliver Collins Canon: N/A Headcanon: 22-25 Reasoning: not much to go on for this poor guy as the plot decided that he needed to be fridged at the starting gate. I feel early-middle 20s is a good spot for him.

[heartss4matthewq]

COULDVE BEEN (PT.3)

contains: car crash, angst, fluff, crying, fighting

new character: jack

———————————————————————

• 10:25 pm

“chris has been in a car accident.”

“what, when?” you said worried

“right before he crashed he called us and said he was coming to your house to talk to you” matt said and you couldn’t help but feel guilty

“chris crashed around like 9:30 but we wanted to come here first because we didn’t want to leave you and have you worried where he is”

“can we drive to the hospital” you said, your voice a little bit shaky

“yeah, let’s go matt” nick said

FLASHBACK

“bro im never getting my drivers license” chris said sounding serious

“what, why” you said laughing

“because i am not trying to get in a car crash” he said

“you won’t, i pinky promise” you stuck out your pinky to chris

as you & chris interlocked pinkies he pulled you closer and kissed you

you kissed back but only for a moment as you hear…

“CHRIS! Y/N! WE GOTTA GO SO WE CAN MAKE IT TO DINNER ON TIME”

PRESENT

“oh my god, is he okay??” you asked the doctors

“we have to run a few more tests and we will let you know what’s going on soon” a nurse said pointing you, matt, and nick to a waiting area

“you guys think he’ll be okay?” nick spoke out

“i mean it’s chris, that kid can do anything and be alright” matt said trying to be enthusiastic

“yeah i hope he’s doing okay”

“Matt! Nick! Y/N! Chris is ready to see you guys” another nurse called out

as you walked over to the room chris was in a worker stopped you

“only one person can come see him at this time”

“matt go first” you and nick said at the same time

“okay i’ll let you guys know how he’s doing”

“matt’s gonna make a joke with him and then he’ll laugh a little too hard that he’ll get hurt” nick said with a smile

you reached in for a hug and nick hugged you back

“i really hope he’s okay” you spoke

“he will be fine i promise, pinky promise”

“y/n you’re next, chris really wants to see you” matt said

as you were walking past matt and nick you could hear them muttering words to eachother

you opened chris room and immediately ran over to his bed and hugged him.

“what did the doctors say??”

“i think they said i had a mild concussion” chris said

“oh my, are you feeling okay?” you said worried

“yeah i feel fine, my head just hurts really bad and my vision is slightly blurry, but i mean other than that, i feel fine”

“that’s good though right, i mean at least it’s not hella severe you know”

“yeah, but i wanted you in here to talk.” chris said in a flat tone

“about what?”

“for how i’ve been treating you, i don’t know what’s been going on with me. i feel like a complete dick for what i’ve been doing. everytime i come back from LA i feel like a different person and i have no clue why. honestly i was trying to get to your house and then boom, car smacks right into me. i kinda feel like this is a wake up call to tell you that…” chris pauses

“that i love you, i say it sometimes and don’t even mean it, but i know what i feel now and i’ve always loved you y/n i really hope you aren’t upset at me and if you are i completely understand”

“chris, i need you to know how deeply i love you. from the moment i met you, i knew you were someone special, and my feelings have only grown stronger since then. it hurts me to see you acting differently towards me because all i want is for things to work out between us. i cherish every moment we've spent together and dream of a future where we can be truly happy”

“times up, nick needs to come in so we can get you guys out so chris can heal”

———————————

it’s been a couple weeks since you last talked to chris

you have no clue if he’s still okay or not but all you know is that you wished he could’ve given you an answer in time

you loved chris so much, and to hear him apologize made you very happy but also sad

you were scared he’d start doing the same thing again

you started to cry, you don’t even know if it’s because you’re stresed or if it’s because you don’t know what chris will do or anything

you sat and cried for almost 10 minutes just thinking about everything

*INCOMING CALL FROM christopher ❤️🧙‍♀️*

you obviously picked up the phone

“hello?”

“i’m out of the hospital im coming over”

“okay, please don’t drive and have matt bring you.”

“okay he will bring me but we have a lot to talk about”

“alright ill see you when you get here, i love you”

“i love you too”

beep

just when you got off the phone you heard someone knock at the door

no way chris is already here, he lives on the other side of town - you thought to yourself

you ran downstairs and looked through your window that was close to your door and you could see who was on the other side of the door.

what the fuck why is jack here

jack was your ex and chris did not like him at all.

chris didn’t like him because jack was like a stalker and over protective, just a weird guy that you should not have dated

“yo what the fuck you doin outside y/ns house bro”

“chill out i didn’t even do anything yet”

“yet?? what does that even mean, you know what just let’s talk then because i already told your ass don’t come to her house”

“bet”

you were still looking through the window and you could see them talking and you heard chris getting louder and louder.

you saw jack push chris

“yo don’t fucking touch me i swear to god”

“or what pussy”

you saw jack reach into his back pocket and grab something L shaped

you realized what it was and ran to the door and opened it

“JACK DONT”

——————————————

a/n: finally posted a part 3 😭😭 i’m in the writing mood soo ima make a part 4 definitely 💋

[dont-f-with-moogles]

Terra my love 💚

So many questions about your WIP post it note 😜

(remember the post was actually a WIP ask game, right?)

1. Is the whole story planned with chapter structure etc... or even partly written already?

2. If you already know, how many chapters will there be for this fic?

3. Will they kiss? & more importantly will they fuck? /jk

4. What other SNK characters will appear throughout the fic?

5. May I ask for a sneak peek? (because there was no "WIP it Wednesday" post yesterday 😢)

Could be from the next chapter or another random chapter, I'm so in love with this fic & in love with your writing style & greedy that I'll take any crumbs 🤲 🧎🏻‍♀️

Love you lots & even more 💚

Val! Thanks for sending these questions. I'm always so excited to talk about what I'm working on! I think A Sunrise Without You Is Coming will probably be my longest (and last) fic.

1. Is the whole story planned with chapter structure etc... or even partly written already? The whole fic is planned from start to finish :)

2. If you already know, how many chapters will there be for this fic? I planned 25 chapter outlines originally but ch3 ended up being longer than I thought once I had written it. I had to snip it off part way through. This might happen again so let's guess somewhere between 26 and 30 chapters in total.

3. Will they kiss? & more importantly will they fuck? /jk Honestly, I haven't included anything more than pining and eye fucking in my ch outlines! To give the story an authentic feel, I'm going to feel my way through their relationship as it grows. If the moment seems right, I'll take things to the next level ;)

4. What other SNK characters will appear throughout the fic? Apart from OG Levi Squad, Moblit, Nifa and Nile... you can expect to see Miche, Marlo and Floch very shortly. In future chapters we will also be joined by Hitch, Reiner, Erwin, Zeke, and Kenny.

5. May I ask for a sneak peek? (because there was no "WIP it Wednesday" post yesterday 😢) I have skimped out on the WIP It Wednesdays, huh? Fair's fair. Let's have a sneak peek then:

From ch4: I'll Not Speak A Word Despite a lingering chill and the last vestiges of afternoon light, the folk of Shiganshina were still leisurely browsing the marketplace. At the centre of the military village, where the earth roads converged, stood three avenues of unembellished stalls, each exhibiting their wares. 

Levi walked amongst civilians, hesitating as he drew level with a metal rack of women’s clothing. Inconspicuously, he cast his eyes around, before approaching. 

Thick woollen cardigans hung amongst long floral-patterned skirts. Levi peeled back a knitted sleeve. Then, with growing impatience, he swept past one garment after another.

“Hello? Are you looking for anything in particular?” asked the proprietor, a woman with dark hair pulled back into a low ponytail. At her intrusion, Levi quickly withdrew his hand.

With a final sweep of the area around them, Levi inclined his head as though he were about to mutter his response. He opened his mouth. He closed it again.

“This is part of our Fall Range…” The woman lifted a yellow button-down shirt, smoothing the material. “You know this is what they’re all wearing on the continent.”

She crooked a finger, beckoning him closer. With an expression of resignation, Levi obliged her.

“...I saw pictures in a Marleyan magazine once,” the proprietor boasted. 

Levi nodded, uncomprehending, as the woman seized a peasant skirt to tempt him with next. The pocket of his khaki military coat vibrated. Thankful for the interruption, Levi removed his cell phone. 

“I’ll take them all,” Levi indicated the entire rack with his hand. Flipping his phone open, he held the device up to his ear. 

“What size is she, sir?”

Levi hesitated again, his palm covering the mouthpiece.

“She’s… tall.” Turning away he answered in a low voice. “Miche?”

Delighted, the woman began bagging the clothes up.

“Levi,” came the Section Commander’s voice on the line, “I still haven’t been able to reach Erwin.”

“Sir, will you be needing underwear?”

The woman slowly pulled back the navy blue cloth which covered the stall, unveiling a low shelf of bras in different colours. Some were frilled and elaborate, others dark and lacy. Some contained padding, wired supports and front clasps. Others were elastic, unfilled or entirely strapless it seemed. 

Levi made a small noise in the back of his throat.

“Levi?” came Miche’s voice.

Covering his cell phone once more, Levi glanced at the proprietor.

“I’ll… take all of those too.”

 On the other end of the line, Miche gave an impatient sniff.

“Look, whether Erwin’s off having breakfast or the world’s longest shit, this can’t wait,” Levi hissed, “the MPs seized a vehicle of defectors right outside our base. How can he have nothing to say about that?”

“Which size is she, sir?” The woman held up a large, padded bra helpfully.

Levi stared determinedly past her, over to where smoke rose from red brick chimneys.

“...any,” he replied faintly, lips barely moving. He blinked. Cleared his throat. 

“You didn’t hear about the traffic incident?” Miche continued, “happened last night on the central road to Mitras.” 

“The one where the pedestrian was killed?” Levi turned away from the proprietor who was now tucking numerous bras into another bag. “They found a woman’s body according to a member of my squad.”

“Worse,” Miche countered, “the vehicle that struck her was being driven by two MPs. Skidded right off the road. I’m sorry, Levi. Every one of those defectors was killed.”

(Thanks again for your questions, Val!)

[bluegarners]

What drives me crazy with Dick Grayson is that literally he's only " " canonically " " like what? 24? 23? He was an only child at least until he was 18 and within literally the time of a bachelor's and masters degree he went from just starting as nightwing never had any siblings but a team who loved him and now he has no external support and is supposed to be the "glue" for a ginormous family that's developed faster than he could blink. Honestly I think while Dick loves and enjoys all his relationships with his family half the time he still feels like he wishes they were all friends and a little closer in age instead of him suddenly being in charge and cleaning up Bruce's problems not just for Bruce, but now cleaning up Bruce's problems which cause everyone else problems which cause more problems which inevitably he has to fix because no one else will

And 6ish years ago he didn't have ANY siblings! The whiplash is crazy. I think the fact that Dick would resent all this proves how much he loves them all bc he still goes to such lengths for his family despite his frustration and aggravation

hiya anon! i think right now, dick is in his mid-twenties, say 25 or 26... which is CRAZY bc in my head i am always picturing him as 29 or early 30s... but canonically i think he's stuck with the mid-twenties just like tim is stick at 17

also, i get the impression that all my posts about dick being in a kind of limbo of "eldest daughter" and also estranged brother-son figure to bruce has kind of given the perspective that i think he bemoans his position in the family, but i think he honestly greatly enjoys it! there really hasn't been many instances in canon, if any at all unless looked at with a severe magnifying glass, that gives off the impression that dick more or less begrudges the amount of pseudo-siblings and other family members he has come into quick possession of. if anything, i think dick probably takes a lot of comfort in being able to have so many people around him again, as i think what a lot of people miss out on is that dick didn't come from an "only child family" but a village (haly's). we get glimpses of his family life before bruce, and ultimately it forms a picture of one where, yes, dick was the center of attention because he was the baby of the troop, but also he was more or less raised in a huge family that consisted of people entirely unrelated to him- aunts, uncles, people he looked to as sisters or brothers, grandfather figures, cousins, friends; all of these more familial lens people that he grew up with until his parents were murdered, and he was suddenly taken away from

i imagine the shift to being surrounded by many to being surrounded by exactly two would have been very startling. and, like you said anon, it wasn't until he fully integrated with the titans did that sense of a bigger family really come into perspective for him. however, it is interesting that you bring up how fast it all happened, as i agree, dick essentially got- what? four or five new "family members" within the span of five or so years? like, that's a pretty big shift from being a trio (dick, bruce, and alfred) for ten years, adding very few people (excluding the titans) that he could sincerely count on or even recognize as family (barbara, for example), and now all within the span of a bachelor's degree, he's had to hand off his robin legacy to three different people. damian came a bit after everyone else had more or less settled, but he's a wholeeee other topic of conversation considering exactly what had to happen for him and dick to even meet the way they did

but, going back to the quick new additions, again i don't think dick has ever for a moment thought to begrduge or resent the influx of people in his life. i think a really defining part of his character is his love of people, his love of being around them. while bruce loves people, he loves them in a kind of distant way, where he sees gotham itself as akin to a person he can love- a person composed of a million other individuals, but an almost singular entity. the same goes for bruce's love of the world, i think. but dick, dick loves people as individuals, as persons he can speak to, hold, comfort, cry for, touch, embrace, etc. dick likes the physical presence of people, as well as the whole of humanity like bruce, and i think the defining line of separation for the two and how they love people, is how they grew up

circling back to dick's early childhood, he was raised not only surrounded by the performers, but also the crowds, the fans. dick grew up loving being loved, and though that may come off as superficial or a purely egotistical thing, i interpret it as something that is a soulful, very human thing. bruce can love humanity without being loved, and so can dick, but dick is also willing to embrace the love he gets in return. it's why, i think, dick is also known for having so many lady friends (donna, kory, and barbara being the most outstanding examples). dick loves to be loved, and he also loves to love, so to me, dick suddenly feeling trapped because of a couple new additions to a family that has been so small for so long doesn't make complete sense- i'm not arguing with you however anon!! just making my case that, even though i do think it's an interesting thing to meta-textually analyze, with dick being in that eldest position as well as the next "bruce" (oof, that's shudder inducing), it doesn't quite follow his character for him to wish that things might be different in their circumstances

[cheesecakeislazy]

I was paid (no I wasn’t) to ensure that there was exactly 69 headcanons on this list hehehehe

Spicy BEN Drowned Headcanons

1. BEN is obviously a virgin.. so he’s a little inexperienced

2. BEN definitely needs his partner to coach him through the first few times (if his partner has experience)

3. BEN has 6 inches exactly, but he’s kinda insecure about it because he thinks he’s small (again, 0 experience)

4. BEN actually keeps the hair down there trimmed nicely, he actually cares about his appearance in a weird way

5. BEN is amazing with aftercare, he might hate water- but you let him hit it so we will most definitely make you a bubble bath if you ask for one

6. BEN loves aftersex cuddles, he doesn’t care if he’s big spoon, little spoon, or anything- just cuddle him

7. BEN doesn’t really care about physical appearances, he just loves who he loves

8. His cum actually tastes sweet with a small hint of sour cream

9. BeN is very needy- he has a high sex drive but he’s very big on consent

10. Ben doesn’t like to admit he’s horny for you, he’ll probably hide his boners under pillows and blankets

11. BeN has a massive kink with masturbation, he really wants to walk in on you or have you walk in on him

12. He really wants to fuck you while you wear his hat- he thinks you look really adorable in it

13. He’s a switch- he’ll be on top or bottom, whichever one you want him to be in

14. Ben is usually pretty submissive- but he can get dominant too sometimes

15. BEN has a lot of kinks he’s super embarrassed to admit

16. BEN lowkey wants you to peg him- but he’s so ashamed of it that he’d rather die than tell you

17. His ears are super sensitive, if you rub them or bite them it’s like touching his cock

18. He hates degrading you- he always feels bad

19. He loves worshipping you like a God

20. If you ever suck his dick, he thanks you a lot and praises you for being so nice to him

21. Ben is very vocal.. whimpers, whines, moans, panting, begs, praises, etc.

22. BEN is honestly kinda insecure about himself- so the idea that someone as hot as you wants to fuck him is literally impossible, it’s why he’s so affectionate during sex

23. Despite all the jokes BEN makes about fucking you and having sex and getting bitches- he’s so nervous to have sex because he’s worried he’ll fuck up

24. Sometimes when Ben gets really riled up, his red pupils turn into hearts

25. BEN is also very possessive, he hates letting that side of him out- but if you let him? He’s… rough

26. BEn has a breeding kink, he wants you to get pregnant with his children, to prove to everyone in the world that the most beautiful human being in existence is his

27. Ben doesn’t like to hurt you, but he does like to give you small love-zaps with his electricity manipulation

28. When bEN is closer to cumming, his voice gets glitchier

29. Unless you make him, BEN will always muffle his moans because he thinks it’s girly and wrong to be a vocal man

30. His ears twitch a lot when he nuts

31. He loves placing hickeys all over your body- especially in places that nobody else will see, only him~

32. Ben loves it when you overstimulate him

33. BeN will call you mommy/daddy

34. BeNn will eat you out like a starved man in the desert. And he’s scarily good at it

35. Ben likes it when you scream his name- oddly enough, he loves it whenever you scream his full name

36. Ben genuinely does not care about position- all he cares about is making you cum

37. He loves being praised- being called a good boy just makes him hard as fuck

38. One time he pulled you into the techno dimension and fucked you in there, it literally felt like an out of body experience but sexy

39. Literally anything can turn him on if it’s his partner- just the fact he has a partner that likes having sex with him turns him on

40. Whenever you give BeN head or a handjob, he has to grip the sheets as he cums- otherwise he teleports somewhere

41. Ben loves to call you “Honey” or “Baby” during sex, it’s a subconscious thing

42. Ben dislikes shower sex- he’ll shower with you- but no sex. Water sex is a big no for him

43. He loves it when you cockwarm him, just having you sit on his cock while he games is actual heaven on earth

44. He also likes fucking you while he’s in the middle of a game, especially a public one with his friends so you’re forced to quiet down. The dominant part of him fucking loves it

45. Wearing green makes him super flustered, green lingerie makes him panic a little

46. If you wear his hoodies, tunics, or shirts- he will fuck the ever living shit out of you. “You just look so fucking good, Baby~”

47. BeN doesn’t need to sleep- so sometimes he just kinda stares at you once you fall asleep after the deed has been done

48. If you woke him up with morning head- he will be so thankful. He might cry tears of joy, he’ll definitely pamper you all day

49. He might hate hurting you, but he loves it when you hurt him. He’s a massive masochist, please bite him, scratch him, pull his hair, just don’t get too aggressive- otherwise he’ll pin you down

50. bEN hates having sex anywhere other than his bedroom, he just thinks it’s gross

51. BeN is usually doesn’t take charge when he’s on top, he just listens to you

52. But when he’s dominant..? You need to beg that man to slow down.. otherwise that bed is going to break from how rough he’s being with you

53. BEN has a mirror in his room- He’ll bend you over in front of it and make you look at yourself as he fucks you from behind

54. He’ll cum wherever you tell him too- but god does he love watching his cum drip out of you~

55. Whenever it’s a planned sex night- he has a sex playlist for the both of you to listen to as he makes you feel good

56. He loves putting a collar and leash on you, he pulls it extra hard to make that back arch like a good girl..~ (or boy ;P)

57. BeN has an extreme sex drive, he can go for hours without a break- it might also help he’s a ghost(?)

58. BEn is usually on the more gentle side- but when he is being rough? Oh honey you better invest in wheelchairs because your legs will not be functional

59. BEN loves to get high with you and then have sex- it’s just a pleasant experience to be in

60. When BEN is high, he’s actually very mellowed out- causing him to be a lot quieter during sex

61. BEN is a gamer, he knows how to use his fingers. He’s also a quick learner

62. BEN is willing to try and kink you’re interested in- but he’ll never tell you the ones he’s interested in first..

63. He loves it when you pull his hair, he lets out the cutest whimpers when you do it

64. One time you dressed up as Zelda for Halloween- you two fucked for a while that night

65. When BEN has sex- his mind is clouded, he doesn’t have a filter, and he doesn’t think about what he says- anything he says during sex is true to him

66. BEN has a tongue piercing.. do with this what you will

67. BeN loves it when you ride his face- he’s literally in heaven while you do it

68. BEN loves holding you close during sex- feeling your body heat, listening to your heartbeat, rubbing his body against your sweaty one, it just makes him feel so human and he loves you even more for it

69. BEN unironically loves to 69 with you ;)

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Watching a documentary on Edward II while I work and in this doc:

1. They repeatedly call Piers Gaveston Edward's "best mate" and "close friend", then have one seven-second acknowledgement that they were probably lovers before immediately returning to calling them pals, buds, just mates being dudes, my guys, just bros like bros will be, totally normal friendship here

2. Piers is not depicted as half so pretty as he likely was. He is handsome, yes, but very... dirty compared to everyone else? And also, dude, brush your hair. Come on. Piers Gaveston was famously not only arrogant but vain!

3. The actor playing Edward is playing this documentary dramatization like he is going for the motherfucking Oscar, he is amazing. I love him, my God someone give this man jobs and money!

4. They speak French! Just like everyone actually did!

5. Hugh Despenser has perfect hair, which seems in character

6. The documentary definitely doesn't admit the simple truth that Hugh Despenser the Younger was almost certainly Pretty Man Bait to get Edward II to give the Despensers power.

7. The doc DOES do a great job of showing what an absolute disaster Edward II was at basically everything forever

8. It does contain the most excellent line, "To the people of the time, Edward could have been bedding his priest, his page boy, and his horse, so long as he was governing the kingdom properly."

9. Isabella's actress is also incredible. That woman does some impeccable face-acting.

10. Man. The moral of this documentary - and of his life - should be "This man did not deserve the wild glory inherent in his amazing wife."

11. Now Hugh Despenser needs to brush his hair! Maybe Edward just likes 'em grungy.

12. Edward is the epitome of being shown exactly what he needs to do and then doing the opposite.

13. I am genuinely impressed at how carefully they dance around admitting that Edward was definitely up in Hugh Despenser's business, too. His manly business.

14. Wait, I take it back. The real moral of this story is "take a woman's children from her arms and she will burn you to the ground and spit on your ashes."

15. Honestly, I don't blame her.

16. THEY CALLED HER THE SHE-WOLF FOR A REASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

17. Also, hell yeah for Isabella's brother the King of France working with her on this. He absolutely knew Isabella was being underestimated and he made sure he never did.

18. Oh, so we can admit Isabella and Roger Mortimer were sleeping together, huh? We can admit that? I mean as long as it's decently hetero, sure, let's have a whole sex scene. But God forbid we admit Edward and Piers might have held hands under a tree even once.

19. THEY PUT A SEX NOISE IN EVEN

20. Honestly now I'm mad.

21. "She has a number of men closer to a moderate house party than an invading force." Okay, that line redeems you somewhat.

22. Awwwww puppies hunting the disgraced king, sweet. I love when dogs are clearly checking for cues from their trainers just off screen.

23. A FIFTY FOOT GALLOWS SEEMS EXCESSIVE. Oh holy shit they hung him without quite killing him, then de-genitaled and- god damn, Isabella. This seems like a bit much.

24. SHE MADE A POINT OF EATING WHEN THEY CUT HIS DICK OFF.

25. Isabella is terrifying. I am in wild irrational love.

26. I'm sorry they put WHAT up Edward's ass. A red hot WHAT

27. I feel like that probably didn't actually happen but honestly, I don't doubt Isabella is capable of it. And also, um, these deaths seem... To send a message.

28. "Edward's wife and her lover-" oh, are you sure they're not just best mates? Buddies? Pals? Like Edward and Gaveston?

29. Oh he probably just like... was smothered. That makes way more sense. He could be "found dead" then and it could be claimed to be natural causes.

30. Underestimate pissed off French women at your peril, English kings.

[bratshaws]

through the hourglass 60. brb x oc

a/n:OH B O Y OH B O O Y revenge is sweet

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: BEA BEING A BADASS (rooster being low key kinda horny ngl next chapter might be s m u t )

goodness gracious (pls read this one to know more what this fic is about!!)

chapter

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30/31/32/33/34/35/36/37/38/39/40/41/42/43/44/45/46/47/48/49/50/51/52/53/54/55/56/57/58/59

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!! )

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-

If Shells was present for this she’d call Beatrice ‘beautifully petty’ and be so proud of her because this was something that the blonde would definitely do. It only took a quick call to Evelyn and then another through one of Marcus’ assistants, but it was done and she couldn’t be happier.

 

Rooster however didn’t know what she was planning, she did everything in secret but with the same smug little smile he saw the night before. Honestly he was just glad she wasn’t anxious considering they were going to go to this ‘reunion’ in a few minutes. He kept Nicole company since his wife was changing in their bedroom, she also didn’t want to tell him the outfit she was wearing, it was also a surprise. 

Did he mind? No, he did not. 

She knew he liked surprises. 

Plus it was always great to have something else in his mind besides the fact that her cousins are still bitching at her because of her body. As he waits for Beatrice sitting on the sofa, his eyes move to Nicole who is already looking at him, her eyes getting greener and greener, even more than Beatrice’s eyes were almost turning into a light shade of blue if he squinted, “So,Birdie,” he begins as he crosses his legs by the knee, leaning closer to his daughter’s carrier, “We are going to see some people, some people that neither I or mommy enjoy but neither do your uncles and aunt.” 

Rooster her her full attention, those big eyes blinking at him as she had her little fists up on her chest, “And we are not going to stay long,” he begins, gently fixing the top of her flowery blouse where the light colored button was turned inside her collar, “We are going to get in, eat something and then get out because honestly, they all suck.” he whispers as if he doesn’t want anyone to know, “And maybe when you are older you’ll get why…no you will get why we hate them so much.” 

He leans against the back of the couch to tilt his head to the staircase hoping to see Beatrice but there was no sign of her yet, “Mommy and daddy just have to deal with some shit, it’s very possible you won’t even know what we are talking about when you are older.” Nicole makes a noise as if she agreed and then he laughs, tickling her tummy, “You are so cute.” she gurgles out a giggle, kicking her little legs “You are the cutest little thing in this whole universe, you know?” 

Nicole grabs his watch when his hand is close enough, immediately ceasing her laughter to look at the shiny object in her line of view, slapping a tiny palm against the glass as if she wanted to grab whatever was inside for herself, “Sorry cutie, can’t have you messing with this, daddy needs the watch.” 

“What are you two talking about?” 

He leans his head back to check on her, but all he sees is the bottom of her feet as she walks past the staircase but doesn’t come down yet, “Just letting her know everything we’ll do today.” he leans his head a bit more, “Are you done?” 

“Almost! I’m trying to find my shoes!” 

“Which ones,gorgeous?” 

“The beige wedges.” she explains and he hears her exclaim in triumph, “Found them!” 

“Okay! Do come down soon because I wanna see what you look like!” he doesn’t get a reply after that and even if he has his body slightly angled so he could see a bit more of the second floor Beatrice was no longer there. He sighs as he readjusts himself on the seat, looking down at Nikki who was now distracted by the mobile swinging above her head. 

He sat there admiring his daughter for a few minutes until he heard the sound of a solid heel walking down the steps, the dogs wagging their tails as Beatrice slowly came into view. He looked up just in time to see his wife fix her ponytail with a little smile, “...oh I love Marcus.” that dress was beautiful: it was long to her feet but with slits on each side that went up to her mid-thigh which added a bit more of a risqué vibe to it, the red color was dark enough to near maroon but it had a soft orange gradient on the skirt of the dress and the top part was hugging her body just tight enough to make her breasts appear fuller. 

“So,” she turns around to give him a full view,”You like it?” 

Rooster was holding his mouth closer with a hand, briefly shaking his head, “...I think we might have another baby soon.” Beatrice threw her head back in a laugh and he could see that her lips only had a light red sheen because of the cherry lip gloss she often wore, “Bea,I swear, I swear you are the sexiest woman I’ve ever met.” and her cheeks turned red but she didn’t seem bashful, she just giggled at him, stepping closer to the couch, “Now I know why you told me to wear the hibiscus shirt.” 

The one she gifted him during their first outing together and the one he liked the most, “Hmhm,” she smiles, leaning down to peck his lips, the smell of cherry invading his nostrils, “So we can match.” 

“I like that.” he whispers against her lips, moving forward to kiss her again but she backs away, tapping his lips with her finger before walking around the couch to see Nicole. Rooster licked his lips to keep the taste of her lip gloss in his mouth, watching her crouch down to check on Nicole and following those dangerous curves with his eyes as if he was ready to lose himself, “...You look so good.” 

Beatrice flicks her eyes at him momentarily, smiling wider as she fixes the headband on Nicole’s head, combing some of the brown tresses away from her eyes, “Thank you,Roos.” she says, “I want to look good. I want to look great.” 

“Well, you succeeded.” he turns his wrist up to check the time, “Do you wanna go yet?” 

“Hmmm..let me check my phone, we want to come together.” she says as she stands up to where she left her phone - right by the coffee table - before sitting down next to him with one leg tucked under her. She thumbs the screen for a few seconds, “...they are saying they’ll leave in fifteen minutes, so we are all going to be fashionably late.” 

“Petty.” 

“Oh I know.” she sounds so pleased “It’s one step forward.” 

“Do they have anything planned too?” he questions, “I know you have something in your sleeve.” 

“Me? I have nothing in my sleeves, I don’t even have sleeves.” she nods to the straps that held the top of the dress up to her chest with a little smile, “I’m innocent,Roos. There’s nothing I’m planning.” he arches his brow with interest then slowly drops his gaze down her body, “Okay,maybe there is something. But I can’t tell you yet, you’ll have to see.” 

“I know it has to do with Marcus, because you called one of his assistants.” 

Beatrice however just smiled more, tapping her fingers together as her hands lied on top of her lap, “Maybe. I just…well, it’s a little something.” 

“A little something.” 

“Yep, a little something that will definitely make those hags stop bothering me.” she grins, “Marcus was very eager to help.” 

“I’m sure he was.” and seeing her happy like that was more than great to him, he loved seeing her completely fearless when it came to her cousins, seeing her confident like that was a complete opposite from the last time they saw those women. He had a feeling it’d be like that during the whole day as well. “So, what’s the plan?” 

“Well,we are all going to arrive together because then they’d have no time to talk shit about someone who isn’t there…unless it’s Gui and he isn’t coming.” she shrugs, “So there will be nothing else, I know each of my siblings has something else in mind…I think today will be a fun day…I just wished this wasn’t how you had your farewell.” 

He smiles almost sadly, looking down at his pants’ fabric as he inhales softly, “It’s okay,baby. It’s not the end of the world for me. Besides, it’s going to be fun, isn’t it?” 

“I think so.” she reciprocates the smile, reaching out to hold his hand, interlacing their fingers, “If you are okay.” 

“I am okay.” he lifts their conjoined hands to press a kiss to the back of hers, keeping his lips there for a few more minutes before he drops them again, “Our talk helped a lot.” 

And that made her expression light up like the Fourth of July, she was so happy she was able to make him feel better and he found that so precious. Beatrice was about to say something when her phone pinged with a notification, “Oh…well, it’s time.” she says after the quick check, “Shall we go?” 

“Oh baby,” he smirks, “You know it.” 

- 

All the cars arrive at the same time, amazingly so. They all park one behind the other on the street and that makes the snotty looking women who were talking on the sidewalk look up in suspicion and confusion, one of them even lowering her glasses to see better. Beatrice’s siblings walk out first, Michael,then Leo and Cyn with the girls and finally Marina and Derek with a very shy Gabriel who stood behind his mother at all times. 

Rooster then walked out himself, giving one brief look to the women who were still staring before he walks to the passenger seat to open her door, “Madam.” she laughs, holding out her hand for him to take with a playful flourish and he leans down to peck her knuckles, “There you go,gorgeous.” he says as she steps aside so she could walk, “Do you want me to get Nikki?” 

“I can do it, don’t worry.” she smiles, opening the back door where Nicole was seated nicely in her carrier to unlock it and carry it to the door, “If they say it takes too much space I will place this right in their hallway.” she gestures to the carrier with a scoff, “I wanna see them try to say anything about Nikki.” 

“You think they would?” 

“Roos,I don’t put anything behind them.” she whispers with her eyes locked with Michael’s dark shades, her older brother gives the two a salute wave with a smirk, “Come on, let’s meet them.” and when they do join the others, no one is really knowing whose car is the one on the driveway since it was a Camaro and no one of the triplets could have that sort of horse power. 

After complimenting Beatrice and Rooster’s outfits - ‘of course you two are matching’ - they made way to the front door that opened as soon as they stepped on the stone path that led to it. Melinda was the one who opened, looking a mix of annoyed and surprised at the same time, “You are all late.” she snarls, holding a martini glass in her hand with her eyes dropping to the children they had with them, “...and you brought the babies.” 

Marina narrowed her eyes, holding Gabriel close to her side, “Next time we’ll ship them, don’t worry.” and she was the first one to walk in, almost shouldering her cousin as Derek followed right behind. Then it was Leo and Cyn with the girls, leaving Michael,Rooster,Bea and Nicole for last. 

Michael gives Bea a look, “Let’s sit together.” he whispers as the oldest triplet is busy talking to someone inside, “I have a feeling that the power in numbers is needed this time.” and he looked up just in time as Melinda did, offering her an innocent smile as he walked past her just as his sister did. 

And when Melinda’s eyes met Beatrice’s, the brunette knew that her cousin was already judging her but she didn’t falter. Instead she held onto Rooster’s arm and puffed her chest just a bit more, “Hello,cousin.” 

“Hello,Bea, you look…” she looked at her up and down, “Really-” 

“Beautiful,I know.” Beatrice cut her off with a little smile, shocking the other woman who just stared at her in silence, “Thank you, you look good as well.” and the two walked in finally, letting out a sigh of relief once they were out of earshot from the oldest triplet, Bea looking over her shoulder to where her cousin was - chugging the rest of the Martini - “That was good.” 

“That was great, gorgeous.” he places his hand on her lower back as they walk forward into the house, “You looked really good doing it.” 

“Did I?” 

“You sure did,” he stops the sentence when he looks up to see a huge painting - not a picture, a painting- of the triplets standing behind their mother who looked like she was ready to cry. They were all dressed fancily with long dresses and jewels but only the triplets were smiling, “...that is…” he pauses, licking his lips as he tries to come up with a sentence that would give that justice, “...so strange.” 

“They do think they are some sort of royalty,Roos.” Beatrice says with her voice low as she heard Melinda’s steps approaching them, ‘Let’s go before she explains what this means and whatnot.” he nods, not even looking back to see if Beatrice’s cousin was close by.  

He had to admit that the house was really pretty and large, it was beachfront with a beautiful view of La Jolla beach that made the whole situation a lot better just because the scenery was nice. When the two joined her siblings, Beatrice did a double take when she noticed that there were three men she didn’t know sitting there as well, two of them sitting with the two women and one alone that she assumed was sitting with Melinda. 

In the corner was her aunt,who immediately stood up to greet them, “Beatrice,Bradley, thank you so much for coming by.” She pecks them on the cheeks, then coos Nicole who just stares at her with a blank expression which makes the older woman’s smile drop diminutively, “Please sit down- oh, boys, this is my niece Beatrice and her husband Bradley.” the three men threw a greeting their way, and one of them - the one sitting alone - looked at Beatrice for too long, especially for Bradley’s liking. 

The tall pilot clenched his jaw, gently leading Beatrice to where Michael was seated on the large seafoam colored couch, the sea breeze making his long gray streaked hair move as he sips on a cocktail, “Who are they?” Bradley asks him quietly as soon as he settles down and Beatrice has Nicole in her arms. 

“Apparently they are our cousins’ new boyfriends.” he doesn’t seem to believe his own words considering he’s chuckling quietly, “Don’t know much about them yet. They just stand there looking pretty…they are also very young compared to them, at least twenty years.” 

Beatrice didn’t notice it until now, but they did look very young, at least twenty five and she wished she could say she was surprised that her cousins would go to younger guys like that. “Hm.” she begins as she adjusts Nicole in her arms, “Seems like them to get guys like those.” 

“Hah,yeah,” Michael laughs, sipping more of his cocktail and then making a face, “One of them is a shitty mixologist, this tastes like ass.” he pushes the glass aside and crosses his leg by the knee as his siblings are analyzing the situation with a confused frown, just looking at these three young men like they had no idea how they got there. 

And the one sitting alone was still looking at Beatrice,who was too busy checking on Nicole to notice him. But Rooster noticed him and he noticed Rooster. Their eyes met when the guys’ gaze slowly went up Beatrice’s body, immediately meeting a very angry tall pilot whose hand immediately landed on his wife’s thigh, giving it a squeeze while keeping the guy’s eyes on his.  

The young man quickly moved his gaze away and Rooster huffed quietly, leaning back against the seat with his hand still on top. This guy, whoever he was, was already getting on his nerves but he felt Beatrice’s hand on top of his, rubbing his knuckles which made him look back at his wife, “You okay?” she asks, rubbing his skin.  

“I’m fine.” he mutters, looking around with a confused frown and then looking back at Bea, “Isn’t it your aunt’s birthday?” 

“Yes, it is.” 

“Then…where are her friends?” 

Beatrice opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out, indeed she was asking herself the same thing. There were only them there, only the nieces and nephews, only the younger generation and she furrowed her brows, “...maybe they’ll show up later.” she whispered, “I…I think.” 

She hoped at least. Her aunt looked…happy yet uncomfortable by everything and it wasn’t until Melinda finally came back with her glass raised that everyone looked over, “Well, thanks to all my cousins for coming here, well, most of you.” her laughter was only reciprocated by her sisters, the Schiavoni siblings just stared in silence, “...anyway, we are here to celebrate my mother’s birthday, one more year!” Regina opened her mouth to speak but her daughter cut her off, “And of course, we have new for you all too! I’m sure you noticed but our boyfriends are here.” 

“Oh of course.” Mikey grounded out with a dry chuckle, “That’s why they called us over.” 

“Anyway, this is Jeremy, Todd and my love bunny, Grant.” she blew a kiss to the guy sitting, the same guy who was ogling Beatrice moments before, “I thought it’d be interesting to have both celebrations together, wasn’t it fun?” 

Beatrice wondered if her parents were coming or not because she was just getting more and more uncomfortable. 

“So, enjoy the party! We are bringing the food in a few minutes!” 

No one could believe what just happened, they were all staring at the triplets and their aunt almost breaking with laughter. Michael had to cover his chuckle by drinking more of the overly sweet cocktail and looking away from the triplets. Beatrice felt so bad for her aunt, she just looked down at her glass because…what sort of celebration was that if her daughters were too busy showing off their young boyfriends? 

And as time went by it was obvious that their mother’s birthday was just an excuse. Beatrice’s parents came as did her aunts Yvette and Martha with their families, but it was still so obvious that there was no celebration for Regina, none. But having her siblings there was a lot better and it made their aunt smile in relief when they started talking to her. 

As they were eating however, Beatrice noticed how the triplets were looking over at her and then leaning down to whisper something in their ‘boyfriends’ ears, giggling like old hags. She felt sick for a few seconds, then closed her eyes to control her breathing and remember that whatever they planned it wasn’t going to affect her. 

“Cousin.” Melinda’s syrupy voice called, “That dress of yours, it’s really nice.” 

“Thank you.” it was really nice, Marcus didn’t play around. “It’s a-” 

“But, oh, did you see our outfits? They are from Marcus Beverly.” the women angled their bodies to show their tops and dresses that definitely weren’t Marcus. He’d never work with lemon drop colored sequins and he hated using animal print that wasn’t zebra, “We are good friends with him.” 

The conversation caught Rooster’s attention, who stopped talking to Michael to look over at Beatrice with his brows furrowed, “...oh really?” Beatrice played dumb, tilting her head, “What is he like? He’s so famous.” 

“Oh, you know, the usual.” Melinda waved her hand as if it meant nothing, “Handsome,tall, you know he even flirted with us when he met us but, we told him we were taken.”  

“...Marcus…flirted with you.” 

“Yes, he sure did.” Adriana giggles while playing with…Jeremy? Was hers named Jeremy? “You know, men just can’t handle when we are around.” cue to Marina’s mumbled ‘yeah they keep wanting to vomit’ that made Michael snort. Meanwhile Beatrice,who blinked her eyes twice and then licked her lips because there was no way this was happening just stared. 

And then, she decided, she could use some of the surprise she had planned for that day. 

“That’s so funny because,” she gestures with a finger towards them, “Because I’m pretty sure Marcus doesn’t like women.” 

“Oh,she called him Marcus,” Cristina laughs, “They are friends now.” 

“We are, matter of fact.” Beatrice cuts,”In fact this dress was personally made for me by Marcus…you know as a thanks for helping him with the last successful photoshoot he did.” and then the triplets’ smiles dropped, “Oh, you guys didn’t see? It was all over the place. In his website too…it was…what was it again,Roos? That he said?” 

And Rooster was more than glad to play along, “Well,gorgeous he said it was the most successful launch he had in a long time.” he smirks, “And he also said you were responsible for doubling his sales.” 

“Thank you,Roos.” she has that smug smile again and she crossed one leg over the other while holding Nicole up, her daughter’s stinky eye to the cousins was just making the situation better especially since their mother was busy talking to her siblings far away, “So yeah,I don’t know if he actually made those outfits.” 

“What?!’ 

“Because he hates the lemon curd color,” she points out, “And he hates animal print that isn’t zebra,so…” 

Melinda narrowed her eyes, giving her a snarky grin, “Oh, please, why would he waste time with you? You? A model? Don’t make me laugh.”  

“I mean, it’s true.” Michael pointed out a bit harder than before, giving the oldest triplet an ugly look, “Everyone saw it, even our parents…you just didn’t because,well, you three are pretty…dumb.” 

Cristina gasps in offense, standing straighter but she doesn't raise her voice, “Excuse me?? Unless there is actual proof we won’t believe it. She could be lying for all we-” 

“My wife doesn’t lie.” Rooster snaps and his voice is the only voice that can appear louder even when he’s speaking normally and his fury was directed at the cousins, “She has no reason to.”  

“Well–” and as if on cue, as if God Himself decided to add to the fire, Beatrice heard the sound of her cousins’ phone being pinged over and over. It took a few seconds, basically less than two for their faces to turn sheet white as they looked at what it was. 

When she called Marcus and asked his help he immediately said yes, of course she had no idea her cousins would pull that shit out about knowing him but it worked nonetheless. She gave him their numbers and asked him to send the pictures he took and the video he had of them having fun together after the photoshoot.  

She knew they’d never believe her if she sent it herself, so this was the only way to shut them up. And it really did shut them up. “...I can’t believe this.” Melinda whispered, “...that…that is you. But,how?!” 

“I think it’s because I’m not an annoying bitch who has to find guys half my age to feel like im complete and I’m in love with my body and I know people love me for who I am so I don’t have to worry about trying to steal my cousins’ husbands.” Beatrice says casually, giving them a shrug, “I think that could be it.” 

Her siblings started laughing, Rooster started laughing, even one of the boyfriends started laughing before being elbowed by Cristina “You know what else, guys?” she continues, feeling relentless now, “...You three made our lives a living hell for a long time and you won’t do this anymore. You never wanted to celebrate your mother, you just wanted to show off your boytoys because you are so insecure about our husbands that you have to find someone younger.” Beatrice smiles sweetly tilting her head, “And you talk shit about our kids too and that’s really mean…and unwarranted. So…I think I speak for everyone here when I say that you three are…something else. But not in a good way.” 

“And we all look good as fuck because we are here to be petty.” Michael added, “Also,this cocktail sucks.” 

“Y-You-” 

“And we are here for our aunt,so,” Beatrice looks at her siblings, “I feel like going inside, what about you guys?” there’s a wave of ‘yes’ and ‘hell yeah’ coming from the others, who immediately stand up and walk past the cousins who sat there completely dumbfounded, looking at nothing. Beatrice stands close by with Rooster’s hand on her lower back, “Oh, another thing before I forget, my husband loves my body, the way it is.” 

Rooster’s hand slowly drops to her ass where he keeps it just so the triplets could see, “Don’t talk shit about my wife.” he warns, “Ever again…and stop looking at her ,fuckhead.” the one with Melinda just looks away sheepishly, “Come on,gorgeous.”  

They enter the house and leave the three couples completely alone, shocked and awkwardly looking around. 

[little-tyrant-gortash]

Oathbreaker

Pairing: fem!Tav x Enver Gortash, fem!Tav/Astarion

Tags: Emotional Manipulation, Manipulation, Manipulative Relationship, Paladin Tav (Baldur's Gate), Vaginal Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Drunk Sex, Unrequited Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Scars, Blood and Injury, Injury, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Torture, Psychological Torture, Implied/Referenced Torture

Word count: 3,023

Ao3 here.

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 4.

Chapter 5.

Chapter 6.

Chapter 7.

Chapter 8.

Chapter 9.

Chapter 10.

Chapter 11.

Chapter 12.

Chapter 13.

Chapter 14.

Chapter 15.

Chapter 16.

Chapter 17.

Chapter 18.

Chapter 19.

Chapter 20.

Chapter 21.

Chapter 22.

Chapter 23.

Chapter 24.

Chapter 25.

Chapter 26.

Chapter 27.

Chapter 28.

Chapter 29.

Chapter 30.

Chapter 31.

Chapter 32.

Chapter 33. ⬇

Chapter 34.

Chapter 33: If Only

"Ketheric's and Orin's stones stay with me."

She didn't even know what she expected. Because what was he, if not a cruel strategist – a deadly snake, waiting for the best moment to strike?

A few seconds passed in absolute silence; her heart was beating in her ears, and she could've sworn that the hilt under her palm burned even hotter. Then, Gortash laughed.

"As they should", he agreed. "I was merely testing you."

Tav's eyes widened in disbelief. Her very first thought were just two words: you motherfucker.

And then her anger dissolved, her hand slipped off the pommel of her weapon, and tears flooded her eyes. Now the frustrations, the emotions, everything came crashing down on her shoulders. Gortash waved the Banites and the Steel Watcher off, and they left without saying so much as a word.

"This should be an alliance of peers", Enver continued. "You've got a backbone, and the makings of a leader."

"And do you have a backbone?!" Tav's voice sounded a tad higher than usual. She felt sick again. "Are you insane?! I honestly thought you would kill me!!"

He didn't look bothered at all. Even if her words twisted his heart up in a knot. She still didn't trust him... but in her shoes, he probably would've done the same. They were both aware that their alliance would last so long until Lord Bane decided otherwise. Gortash just hoped it wouldn't happen anytime soon.

"Are you angry? So was I, when I saw that you disappeared without a word."

His equally rising temper didn't help hers at all.

"I am my own woman, I go wherever and whenever I please!"

"And judging by the two bloody stones, I know full well where you went! Can you even imagine the worst case scenario that could've happened to you?! After we've seen what she'd done to a Bhaalspawn?!"

"I'm fine! I haven't suffered a scratch!"

"You just said you bled for both stones! So when did you lie to me? Right now, or five minutes earlier?!"

Tav blushed, up to the tips of her ears.

"Stop changing the subject! What made you think that pulling this stunt on me would be any good for me?!"

"And what made you think that going against Orin without letting me know first was a good idea?!"

The relief that she didn't need to actually fight him, coupled with the anger she felt that he had the guts to test her boiled over inside of her. Tav looked enraged – and if Gortash wasn't mad himself, he would've said that she was beautiful when she was angry.

"Fuck you!" She spat, then spun on her heels and started to walk away.

"Oh no", he snapped, then jumped after her and grabbed her arm to turn her back to face him. "You're not leaving again. Do you have any idea how worried I was? That I'd find you dead, or worse?!"

"I wasn't alone!" Tav snapped right back, trying to get her arm out of his hold, without success. "Unhand me or I swear I'll shove my boot right up y-"

"No, you will listen to me", he growled, pulling her closer to himself. She struggled, but only for the first two steps, because the aura he radiated in that moment almost… pulled her in. Her breathing quickened and she gave in to his authority; a part of her very much wishing to obey his every damned whim. She hated the effect he had on her, for a moment. "I am responsible for you, especially in your state. So the next time you're going on a suicide mission, tell me, so I can at least assign a few trusted soldiers to help you."

"You have no right to meddle in my affairs!" She tried to yank her hand away, but his firm hand was holding her in a steel grip.

"I will be your husband, I have every right to meddle in your affairs."

"You're not my husband yet!"

Gods, how she wanted him to be! She turned her head away as she realised she really wouldn't get her arm away from his grip, so she decided she'd defiantly stare at the stuffed bear he had in there.

"We can get through the ceremony any second, just say the word."

He noticed it. She hated how he seemingly noticed everything. It must've been the curse of being as intelligent as he was. His free hand reached up to grab her chin to turn her head back, and even though she let him do that, she still stared behind him, into the space of the vast hall.

"I can't lose you", he admitted quietly. "If I lose you, I'll lose my mind. Do you know what that means?"

Tav merely rolled her eyes.

"You needn't be so angry about this. I was with people I trusted."

"Really?" Gortash's hold on her chin tightened. Her eyes found his, and he was staring down at her inquisitively. He'd test her again, he decided. "Who were there with you?"

"Karlach", Tav replied without even blinking or thinking.

"Reliable and strong. And?"

"Lae'zel."

"Fearless githyanki. Who else?"

"Shadowheart."

"Cleric, in case you get injured. Good. Anyone else?"

Tav's lashes fluttered as she hesitated. If she told him now that Astarion was there, he'd be mad again; especially after what he'd learned from the vampire in the sewers. If she lied, he probably would know - but she really didn't want him to know the truth. It'd only create more problems for both of them.

"Just them."

Gortash was aware that if she was lying to him this easily, he'd need to keep a closer watch on her. He spun her around, making her gasp for air as he literally made her dance across the space, then he pushed her up and against the wall beside the statue.

"Stop lying to me", he ordered as coldly as he could, which was hard, especially how his own body reacted to her as he pinned her to the wall. She squirmed in his hold. Deliberately rubbing her thighs against his front. His eyes darkened even further; her sudden, cheeky smile said it all. She was doing it on a purpose. She wanted to distract him. "Tav", he growled her name, his tone dangerously low.

"What?" She tried to summon her most innocent expression.

"Tell me the truth."

"I've told you everything you wanted to know."

Gortash pressed his lips together, annoyed, then he slipped his knee between her thighs. Tav blushed deeper as he rubbed at her core.

"Say. It."

"I have nothing to sa-ah-"

"Are you sure?"

"Enver-"

"My, my, my, you're running so hot, Tav. Wouldn't it be easier to be honest with me?"

She knew she could've said stop, and she was aware that he would, but the truth was, she missed him and very much enjoyed his little game. After all that happened… seeing Orin in that terrible form… life just seemed too dangerous and too short not to enjoy herself at least a little.

"Astarion was with us, too", she sighed at last, making him raise a brow.

"See? It wasn't that hard to admit, was it?"

"Enver please-", she whined when he started to pull his knee away. "Don't stop-"

"Don't stop?" He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, his voice way softer than before. "Do you think that girls who sneak out and then lie to me deserve to ask me not to stop?"

The noise she made caused him to chuckle quietly.

"Please?" She whined.

"Hmm", Gortash raised a brow, then leaned close to her ear and whispered,"beg."

"You monster!" Her gasp made him chuckle in her ear. "I'm begging you, please!"

"See? You can be a good girl for me. You can follow simple instructions."

"Enver!"

Smirking, he moved his knee back where she wanted it. He took his time teasing her, allowing her to reach the peak she wanted so desperately, then held her close, kissing the side of her neck as she was playing with his ebony locks at the back of his head as her heartbeat slowed to it's normal rhythm.

"I didn't want to upset you", she murmured tiredly. "I know that you know that I have... history... with Astarion..."

"I still prefer honesty from you", Gortash whispered in her ear, knowing full well what he'd need to say to get in her mind with it. "No matter how much it hurts."

Tav cupped his face and pulled him away from herself to look in his eyes.

"It hurts? Why?" When he didn't answer her questions, just looked away, she stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. "It matters not with whom I'm travelling with. I am yours."

Surprised how easily that went down, he glanced in her eyes with a hint of doubt. But she meant it. He could read her well, and he saw that she truly meant it. What a foolish thing to do - to bind oneself to the Chosen of Bane! A part of him wanted to push her away. A part of him wanted her to be terrified of him, a part of him wanted her to run away and never look back... but another part of him craved this. That part of him wanted to know that he had her, body and mind and soul. That part of him wanted to keep her close and never ever let her go.

She would be his downfall, he knew.

"Say it again", he whispered, even more quiet than earlier, resting his forehead against hers.

"I am yours." Tav half smiled, suspecting that him, as a Banite, would enjoy hearing this. It was part of her plan to soften the harshness of the facts. But, at the same time, she meant it. Every inch of her wanted to be near him; her thoughts always resumed thinking about him. There was very little she could do. "Now", she murmured with a little smile, "can we go to bed?"

"Was that your plan all along? To get in my bed?" Gortash almost snorted as he pulled away from her a little, and his reaction made her laugh.

"In my defense, you have a really comfy bed."

"I didn't know you were this cunning, my dear."

She looked proud at his praise.

"I can feel how needy you are, Your Grace~ you wouldn't be able to focus if your pants are this tight, would you?"

He couldn't help it, he had to indulge her. After all, she was right. He really couldn't focus. Only later, in his private chambers, lying in his bed with her, did dread fill him as he remembered Bane's warning. His god would tolerate him enjoy himself for so long. He had work to do.

And yet… and yet…

"What are you thinking about?"

Tav was curled up on her side just beside him, her arms wrapped loosely around his left, gold clad arm, one of her legs rested across both of his. He was staring at the ceiling, but saw nothing. He didn't even know what he should say.

"My future."

Tav pushed herself up on her right elbow, then shifted closer to him and gently stroked the ebony locks out of his forehead and eyes. Her touches were so gentle, so soft… he'd never felt more wretched in his entire life.

If only, if only, if only…

"Do I really have a place in it?"

Tav's feather light touches on his forehead left him with a lump in his throat. He was thinking about another time, when he had a similar train of thoughts in mind, and then, they had a similar conversation. In his heart, the doubt. The fear.

"I want to be a better man for you."

"I don't want you to change because of me."

"But I want to."

"Are you saying this because you think I want to hear this?"

"No. I say it because I mean it."

"Does that mean that you're thinking about leaving Bane?"

"I can't do that."

Enver turned his head to look her in the eyes. He'd done horrible things, at least, from her point of view; from his, those were necessary steps of his much bigger plan. He couldn't look at a mass of people and not think of them as cattle. But then... she saw individuals. She saw good in them. She saw hope.

And he wasn't an exception. She'd already told him that she saw hope in him, when no one else would. She gave him a chance, when no one else would.

That thought alone was enough to start his destruction.

It got him thinking, often, late into the night. What if...? The question presented itself thousands of times by now during the day, too; he'd caught himself giving out orders to hang a group of people, then wondered how Tav might feel about it. He had to stop wondering, if he wanted to keep his head upon his shoulders. Or... if he couldn't stop wondering... if she truly corrupted his mind, and would, in turn, make him too soft for Bane's liking... he had to prepare. Both himself, and her.

"What's on your mind?" Tav murmured when he didn't reply.

A heartbeat.

"I'm going to die."

Well, this certainly wasn't the answer she was waiting for. Gortash watched in silence as she furrowed her brows, and he could identify each and every emotion on her face. Confusion, doubt, anger. Then, the defiance. He loved that look on her face; especially now that it was him who was at stake. It gave away so, so much about how she truly felt about him, and it made everything that much worse. Her kisses, touches were one thing, those could be faked. But the way she cared? Her emotions, written on her face at the thought what would happen if he was gone? Nobody in his life showed this emotion towards him. And it broke him just a little bit further.

"Not before your time", she declared.

"Way before my time", Gortash corrected her.

"Seriously?" Tav pulled her hand away and sat up. The afternoon sunlight drew a line across his chest as she moved out of its way. "I've got two stones as you wanted, we're just one step away from your plans to come to fruition, and we have a future together- you say this now- seriously?!"

"Tav", he pushed himself up to sit, then cupped her face. "I don't want to upset you, alright? I'm just thinking that if… if it comes to that…"

"Comes to what?!"

She sounded so upset that he felt bad for bringing this up now. Closing his eyes, he rested his forehead against hers.

"Listen to me, alright? Don't say anything, just listen." He waited for a few seconds, and when she remained silent, he continued, "I'm assuming that you're aware that if I stray too far from Bane, there'll be consequences. And when those consequences are crashing down on me… I want you to leave me to my fate."

"How can you even ask such a thing?!" Tav pulled her head away, her eyes full of tears by now. "If you go, I go."

Gortash gave an emotionless laugh. The mere idea hurt so much more than she could possibly imagine.

"You're definitely not coming after me. Not there."

"Where?"

"Bane's domain." He paused for a moment, and looked away. "If I anger him... if I fail... I'll..." Gortash paused, shaking his head. "No, it can't happen. Not to you."

"Why, what would happen to you there?"

"Eternal torment?" He asked back, a little smile on his face as he glanced at her. His eyes looked so, so tired. "For failing?"

"I really do wish you'd picked less of an asshole of a god to follow", she sighed, shaking her head.

"I've tried", he murmured, "nobody else answered."

Tav felt like that perhaps, at least in this regard, he had something in common with Astarion. But to think that Astarion's prayers weren't answered even by Bane...

Knowing the consequences of what she was about to tell him didn't bring her any joy. But the game changed drastically as soon as she learned that they were expecting little ones - not even one, but two. For their safety - and their father's -, she had to make heavy decisions. After a massive amount of adventure behind her, this was the hardest decision so far. Urging Enver to please his god, in order to live, knowing that it would bring the death and torment of many. But, at the end of the day... they were mortals, and mortals did what they had to protect their own.

"Alright, you know, what? Do what you must. Don't fail him. You're already his Chosen, right? Be the really best he ever had."

There it was again. The stirring within. Every word she said made him want to worship her instead. He wished he'd met her sooner; he wished he knew what was it like to be loved so unconditionally, all those decades ago. He'd be a different man, now.

"What if I can't?"

Tav looked confused at first. He knew she didn't understand the inner turmoil she caused, but he didn't want to tell her, because it'd make her feel guilty.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there", she cupped his face and planted a kiss on his forehead. "We can do this. Together. And we'll figure out the details as we proceed."

A content sigh left him at that. Perhaps that was for the best, at least for now. Not knowing. There were, though, something he knew. And he had to share it with her. She had to know.

"I know you don't like it, but... let me say it", he whispered.

Tav closed her eyes with a sigh. She knew she wouldn't escape this.

"Alright. Say it."

"I love you."

She smiled at how genuine he sounded. Wrapping him in a hug, she kissed the top of his head.

"I love you, too."

[grimbz007]

Friday, 26th October 2024,

How to unlock your creavity, a reminder to one’s self:

I want to track my progress, bit by bit, and witness my growth over time. Some may say my drive for improvement is overly ambitious, but for me, it’s rooted in hope…

A hope to finally succeed and, perhaps more deeply, a desire to prove to my parents that my decision to pursue art full-time was the right one. Every step forward, no matter how small, brings me closer to realising both my dreams and my belief in the path I’ve chosen

Again, I am in my first year…

My teacher recommended me this book, It’s book about animation, by Shamaus Culhane, he became the lead designer for Snow White. Fun fact: He was on the verge of being fired in his earlier years

Honestly… It’s inspiring to look back and see how people in the past, with far less technology than we have today, still found ingenious ways to solve complex problems. It’s comforting to realise that, with time these struggles and uncertainties, that I’m facing now, will begin to face, again with due time…

This reminds me of how artists in earlier times used pinholes to aid in their painting…a simple yet brilliant tool! Honestly, reinforces the idea how references are so important!

(Another nice reminder to use them)

The author begins by describing how their animation work seemed to occur in two distinct stages.

The first stage was a “daydream” phase characterised by a burst of energy where the artist avoided contemplation, allowing their subconscious mind to take over! (Introspection was absent during this part of the process)

The second stage was more deliberate, involving conscious thought and analysis, where the artist took time to reflect on the drawing and the emotions it conveyed.

The author references a specific book, which discusses the functions of the brain and the idea that the right side is more creative, while the left side is more analytical.

We can see it through how he highlights the quote from the book he read, stating that the brain works best when daydreaming, hinting at the value of the right hemisphere in the creative process.

This section concludes by illustrating the practical results of this theory, showing a set of drawings that progressively improve within a short span of time. These drawings exemplify how activating the right side of the brain leads to creative breakthroughs!

Again, I also do think Pomodoro technique works wonders!

Especially with an artist with ADHD (like me), it’s basically when break your work time into intervals (traditionally 25 minutes long, but I do around 30 minutes, since I have been training my brain) called “Pomodoros,” followed by short breaks (usually 5 minutes, once again I do 2 minutes each)

REMEMBER TO PLAN PLAN PLAN! BEFORE YOU DRAW OR YOU END UP BLANK……………..

Anyway, the author quotes that when creativity is in demand, the right side must suppress the left side’s desire to control and analyse. To maintain the creative flow, it’s important to avoid overthinking, as even a single moment of conscious thought can halt the creative process.

In summary, this chapter of the book (3) emphasises the distinction between the analytical and creative functions of the brain, showing how the creative side flourishes when allowed to operate without interference from the more rational side.

It suggests that achieving artistic breakthroughs requires letting go of conscious thought and trusting the intuitive, subconscious processes associated with the right side of the brain, which… Worked!

❤️ Less thinking more working, get your ideas down on paper so you can develop them into the thoughts you want! That’s how you can truely create what you think about!

Examples of drawings I did with this new mindset! They roughly took the same amount of time, around 10-45 minutes! (Done in span of 2 days, school work is such a bitch…)

[nereidprinc3ss]

Hi!

So I‘m a quiet reader of your dybmn-series and I have to say I was quite surprised when I‘ve red the intended age for reader is supposed to be 25.

Because, and I don‘t mean this with ill/mean intent, she reads like 20. Therefore I also imagined Spencer being max 30, even though that age gap would just not be really appropriate because one’s frontal lobe is developed and the others is not.

Like, again not trying to be mean and you are 19, so you can‘t really 100% know how being 25 year old is like, a 25 year old woman would not behave in certain situations like you described (not speaking for all 25 year old women obv). And I don’t mean the inexperience, just the general behavior. It‘s still pretty immature, again makes sense since you‘re 19 and I wouldn’t expect a 19 year old to know how the behavior as a 25 year old is like. (excluding observation)

I really like that you, very carefully, explore this dynamic of experienced person and inexperienced person, the inexperience is just described in such a way that reader does not come off as older than 20 and Spencer being 35 would..I‘m sorry it would be creepy for a 35 year old not being able to find someone closer to their age range if you get what I mean.

you said yourself it‘s not necessarily about the difference of experience in sex, more about the power dynamic they don’t even know if they’re really comfortable with, I just feel like maybe a little more research about how the power dynamic influences the whole relationship, how the age gap is quite big, and just how a inexperienced (sexually) 25 year old woman behaves would have made this series a tad bit more realistic?

Obviously this is your story, you decide how someone is written, how you want to convey something and your work is very good!

You‘re pretty skilled, know your way with words so this is not me saying that you‘ve written your series bad, not at all.

Just a little review (I mean you did ask for opinions, so I thought it would not hurt after sharing you mine) on how the story reads to a 27 year old!

Hi yes!! So I am in fact 19 and I’m definitely aware that reader doesn’t read like she’s 25 but I honestly just had like season 10 onward Spencer in mind and I didn’t really want to write like 35+ year old Spencer with a 19/20 year old, so I went for 25. Idk if you guys have noticed this but I would NOT say I am particularly emotionally mature for my age LOL so I didn’t really have the expectation that she would accurately represent a 25 year old—but I think a lot of my follower are like in the 18-21ish age range and so it would still feel relatable for lots of them despite not being the most accurate thing.

I apologize to my followers who are older if it makes dybmn hard to read because she’s very young seeming, it would probably bug me too, unfortunately I can only be how old I am and I just wasn’t comfortable writing 19 yr old reader x almost middle aged spencer so we’re just kinda pretending she’s more age accurate to 25 than she really is😭 but if you want to like give me an excuse I guess you could say like oh maybe because she’s so romantically/sexually inexperienced she reads as a little bit emotionally immature….. that’s not gonna be the case for all inexperienced 25 yr olds but maybe it is for her!! Idk I’m doing my best LOLOL alas it is not a perfect story

Thank you for reading and thank you for the feedback!!💖💖

[whentommymetalfie]

Home to you chapter 39

-Hand to hold-

Prologue//1//2//3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30/31/32/33/34/35/36/37/38

Pairing: Tommy/Alfie

Summary: Alfie tries to keep it together as his worry for Tommy grows. 

Warnings: disordered eating, suicidal ideation, mental instability, hallucinations, ptsd. 

Wordcount: 6,4K

Alfie stands by the window, watching the slight rise and fall of Tommy’s chest as he sleeps. Listens to the sound of it, slow in, slow out, searching for any sign of irregularities, distress, anything. Outside the window it’s a starless night. A summer rain falls over the garden, letting gusts of cool air into the bedroom. He stubs out the burning stump of his cigarette in the empty teacup on the windowsill and lights another one, eyes still on the bed. Tommy is curled up on his side as always, knees drawn to his chest hands tucked by his face and blankets pulled all the way up to his nose.

The exhaustion has made his eyelids impossibly heavy. But he needs to stay awake. Make sure he can wake Tommy if he has a nightmare, because what happened the other night can never fucking happen again. It’s true, of course, what he’d told Tommy: he’s got nothing to be ashamed of. And honestly Alfie should’ve been prepared for it, but Tommy’s distress over the situation and his own subsequent failure to deal with it properly, no, that’s just too much. He completely lost it, that’s the truth, the exhaustion and the pain of seeing Tommy so devastated made his brain short circuit completely. And even if he promised himself to never yell at Tommy that way again, he can’t bear to see Tommy like that -ashamed, frightened. Unable to fucking wake him up and ask for help. Which is why he spent last night watching over him to ward off the nightmares, rather than sleeping. And which is why he’s doing the same tonight.

Of course he knows he needs to sleep, right, but how can he when he knows the possible consequences?

As if on que, a quiet whimper comes from the bed and he snaps out of his thoughts, putting out the cigarette and goes to sit by Tommy’s side. His brow is furrowed and his eyes are clenched shut tightly. He stirs uneasily in his sleep, breathing sharply through his nose.

Alfie strokes his hair. “Shh, there you are love, it’s just a nightmare. You’re safe. I’m here with you.”

Tommy opens his eyes, just tiny shards of blue underneath long lashes as he reaches for him, limbs heavy and slow.  

“I’m here, petal,” Alfie whispers. “Go back to sleep.”

Finally gaining control of his hands, Tommy grabs his shirt sleeve and tugs weakly, urging him to lie down. His eyes keep falling shut. Alfie shifts closer and Tommy buries his face against his side, still tugging at his arm. Alfie hushes him.

“Shh, I just want to make sure you fall asleep. Yeah? I’m right here.”

He keeps stroking his hair and Tommy closes his eyes and begins to relax, exhaustion already pulling him back under. Alfie waits until he’s asleep -he knows every slow and even breath, every relaxed muscle and every smoothed out line around his eyes- before carefully moving off the bed to pace in front of the window again and lights another cigarette. He should have Ishmael buy some proper tobacco and a pipe. But somehow it feels pointless.

When the darkest hours of the night have passed, he thinks he can afford himself to at least sit for a while, and so the first gray light of dawn finds him sat on a hard chair next to the bed, watching Tommy’s face for even the slightest sign of distress. His eyes sting and the weariness lies over him like a heavy blanket, but that’s all meaningless as long as Tommy is okay. He needs to keep him safe, it’s the least he can do to make up for all the ways he’s already failed him.

Tommy is still asleep when the sun rises, and the house wakes around him. Alfie stretches aching joints and sore muscles and tries uselessly to rub the sleep, or lack thereof, from his eyes. After a trip to the bathroom and an attempt to wake himself up by dunking his face into ice cold water, he goes downstairs, leaning heavily on his cane.

As he passes the door to the living room, he catches a glimpse of Lizzie, Ada and the kids, sat outside in the garden on the lawn furniture with breakfast on the table, and Cyril dozing at their feet in a ray of sunlight. Charlie looks up from his toast and waves eagerly at him, his sister doing the same. Lizzie looks up from her paper and gives one of her faint smiles that’s more of a question than anything else, and Ada looks him up and down, brow furrowing. He gives them a half hearted wave and something that he hopes resembles a smile but quickly moves on because he can’t put on a show for the kids, and he doesn’t want to worry them on top of everything else. But apparently there’s no getting away -when is there ever when it comes to this fucking family?- because Ada puts her teacup down, says something to Lizzie and gets up from her chair. Alfie moves on to the kitchen. Her steps follow. Of-fucking-course.

Outside the kitchen entrance, Ada cuts off his path and blocks his way. Alfie momentarily considers to just keep walking, but his aching joints tell him he shouldn’t be bodily tackling anyone at the moment.

“Did he sleep through the night?” Ada asks, from far away, through a strange buzzing in his ears.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Alfie says eventually when he can understand the question. His voice is gravelly and he clears his throat.

Ada looks him up and down, the crease between her brows deepening.

“You look like shit.”

“Thank you,” he replies, and his head is so empty that he can’t figure out what else to say. He simply rubs a hand over his eyes trying to make the fog disappear to no avail.

“Have you slept at all?”

Without bothering to answer that stupid question, he tries to walk around her but Ada blocks his way again, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You need to sleep,” she says.

“What I do and don’t do, as well as what I possibly should do, is none of your business.”

“It is when you-“ Ada cuts herself off, glances towards the living room and lowers her voice. “It is when I see that you can’t handle the situation with Tommy. You’re quiet and irritable. I noticed it all day yesterday. I know you think you’re hiding it, but you’re not.”  

The sudden rage makes his blood throb hotly at his temples.

“Now, you listen to me here,” he hisses as he takes a step closer. “You don’t know me. Yeah? Got no fucking clue what I’m like, normally. When I haven’t just been forced to experience the fucking nightmare of seeing the- the most important person in my life, the one thing of value I have, threatened and humiliated and nearly fucking killed without being able to help him. Seen him broken beyond fucking recognition and possibly repair because I couldn’t keep him safe. And I’m trying, right, to keep it together here for Tommy. So you need to back the fuck off, and let me deal with this as I see fit.”

Instead of cowering before his gaze like anyone with half a brain would, Ada crosses her arms over her chest. But her eyes soften.

“I understand,” she says. “But you’re not alone. We can help. Me and Lizzie. Arthur too, even if I know you won’t let him. We want to help. I can sit with him for a while. Let you get some sleep. Some time to yourself.”

“He doesn’t feel fucking safe with you. Alright? None of you. You neglected him for fucking weeks on end, and just because you’ve suddenly developed a conscience it doesn’t mean he’s forgotten.”  

The steel finally fades completely from Ada’s gaze, her shoulders dropping almost imperceptivity, but then says, “But he’s doing a bit better now. During the day, at least. If you talked to him, explained-“

“I’m not talking to him about this, because he’s going to say yes, no matter what he feels, because he’s fucking terrified of being trouble,” Alfie says. “Yeah? Which is why he tries to occupy no space, demand nothing of anyone, because God forbid he has needs or wants. If he could turn himself into fucking… ether, he’d do it. The only reason he lets me take care of him is that I’ve finally convinced him that to me, it’s no fucking trouble. Nothing he does is. Not to me. That’s the only reason.”

“It’s not the only reason,” Ada says softly. He says nothing. He’s got nothing to say and his head has begun to ache. The silence stretches on as neither of them break it. Finally, Ada sighs.

“Fine. I understand. But you do realise that what would be best for him is if you got some rest? That’s just… objectively true.”

Alfie simply snorts.

“What about Esther?” Ada prods. “She sat with him the other day. That seemed to go okay. He’d understand that you need some rest.”

“Of course he would, that’s not the fucking point.”

The point is he’s going to feel guilty, think that it’s his fault Alfie is exhausted, once again be afraid to wake him up when he needs him, erase what little progress is left.  

Ada looks quizzically at him and he feels with frightening clarity that he’s going to punch her in the face if she doesn’t move. She seems to sense the mounting anger and throws her hands up in defeat.  

“Fine! Fine. I know you’re a stubborn bastard. At least try not to snap at him because you’re irritable.”

She steps aside and Alfie walks past her, feeling as if steam is coming out of his ears.

In the kitchen, Esther is cutting a loaf of bread into slices. There’s a tray on the table with teacups and Tommy’s regular bad-day breakfast: oatmeal, apples in tiny pieces and a spoon of honey. As if they’re feeding a goddamn child. Or a bird.  

“Good morning, mister Solomons,” she says and pours milk into the little jug. He grunts in response.

“ ‘s that for Tommy?”

“Yes, I was just about to bring it upstairs.” Her brow furrows. “Have you slept at all, Sir?”

“Don’t you fucking start too,” Alfie snaps. Esther raises her eyebrows. “I’ve slept enough. Alright? I’ve got the situation under control. And I’d just like to get Tommy’s breakfast without having every woman within a two mile radius point out that I look like a dead body dredged from a river. Would that be at all fucking possible?”

Esther opens her mouth, but snaps it shut again as he stares at her. Alfie grabs the tray and leaves the kitchen, taking measured breaths all the way up to the bedroom to calm the anger simmering under his skin.

He shoulders the bedroom door open, and finds Tommy still sound asleep, a tiny little lump underneath the blankets. With the tray set on the nightstand, he seats himself on the edge of the bed. Perhaps he should’ve brought Tommy downstairs instead. Save for the Arthur incident the other day, it seems like it did him some good. But he doesn’t have the energy today. It’s easier when it’s just the two of them. When there are no prying eyes.

The irritation crawling under his skin calms when he looks down at Tommy, as he forgets the rest of the world for a moment and begins running his fingers through his hair. Usually the best way to wake him up and only slightly startle him. Sure enough, his long lashes flutter. The sight still makes Alfie’s heart clench. And soon Tommy is peering up at him over the edge of the blanket.

“Morning, treacle.” Alfie leans down kisses his forehead. Sharp splinters of pain shoot up his back. “Got your breakfast here.”

Tommy blinks slowly at the tray, but doesn’t move to sit. Alfie pulls some of the blankets away and helps him along, grabbing him by his arms and pulling him upright. “Right, up you go, sweetheart, there we go. How about we try to eat a little, hm?”

The shirt has slipped down over Tommy’s bony shoulder and he pulls it up again, puts the teacups on the nightstand and sets the tray on Tommy’s lap. Fucking hell, he needs to eat more. A lot more. He still looks like a stiff wind would knock him over. Probably would take even less than that -so far they haven’t managed to make him put on a single gram.  

Alfie’s skin feels too tight, and the buzzing is back in his ears.

Tommy picks up the spoon and only holds it for a bit. Alfie tries to keep himself from twitching, ignore the way his skin fucking itches. Tommy looks at the apples. Puts down the spoon and picks up the fork instead. Skewers a piece of apple and looks at it. Alfie grits his teeth so hard his head hurts. Tommy puts the apple in his mouth and chews. Alfie breathes slowly and counts to ten. Tommy eats another piece. Alfie stands up and reaches for his cigarettes, lighting one as he goes to the window. Tommy looks at him.

“When you’ve eaten you can have one, how ‘bout that, eh?” he says and holds the cigarette up. Tommy nods, but keeps looking at him with that longing gaze, God fucking knows what he wants, how is Alfie supposed to always know when he won’t fucking talk? He pointedly looks at the plate. “Go on. That needs to be empty.” He cracks the window open and takes a drag on the cigarette, blowing the smoke out and letting the wind catch it.

Tommy still won’t talk. What if he’ll never talk again?

The injustice and anger burns in him. It’s not enough that Michael is dead, the bastard deserved something much worse.

It should be enough, he’s doing all he can, taking care of Tommy. But it’s not enough. Nothing is enough. He can’t fix this.

Tommy eats, keeping his eyes downcast.

Alfie is lighting his third cigarette when there’s a knock on the door and Esther pops her head in.

“Good morning,” she says and smiles at Tommy, the way she always does. “I asked Mrs. Thorne, and she had one of these.” She holds up a hot water bottle. “And I know it’s warm outside now, but I still thought you might want it.”

Tommy lights up the tiniest bit, not with a smile, but a glint of life in his eyes. Esther hands him the bottle and pats his cheek gently before leaving again. Tommy hugs the bottle tightly with one arm and continues eating.

Alfie can’t bear to look at him because his chest hurts so much he can’t fucking breathe so instead he stares out the window until that third cigarette is halfway gone too and he feels Tommy’s gaze like pinpricks on the back of his neck.

“You finished with that?” he asks and nods to the plate. Tommy only keeps staring down at the blankets and he sighs, putting out the cigarette and coming up to check. He’s eaten most of the apples and half of the oatmeal.

“Yeah, that’s not enough, is it. Portions are small enough already,” Alfie says and tries to hold back another sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Sweetheart, I know it’s difficult, but you have to put on weight.”

Tommy picks the spoon up, but gags as he tries to swallow.

Something in Alfie’s head snaps a little bit.

“Fuck, it can’t possibly be this fucking difficult for you to eat!” he barks and the spoon clatters as it falls to the plate and Tommy shrinks before his eyes. “I don’t think I’m asking for anything unreasonable here, all you have to do is fucking listen to me and do as you’re told, but you can’t even manage that. I’m trying to help you here, but what can I do? What can I possibly fucking give you to make you eat?”

He wants to grab Tommy and shake him violently, scare him into obedience. Instead, he clenches his hands into fists and takes a slow breath. Keep it together, keep it together… In and out, slowly, just like he always tells Tommy.

“Sorry, sweetheart, I’m sorry,” he says, making his voice as soft as he possibly and sits down on the edge of the bed, next to Tommy. “Here, how about we just try a few more pieces, eh?”

He picks up the fork and hands it back to Tommy, who accepts it, picking at the hot water bottle with his free hand. He tries to look encouraging and Tommy takes a hesitant bite of an already small apple piece.

“There’s my good boy.” Alfie ruffles his hair and then gets up and paces because sitting down for too long puts him at real risk of falling collapsing right there and then. And he doesn’t trust himself to be so close to Tommy right now, not with these feelings of worry and anger simmering so close to the surface.  

When ten minutes have passed and Tommy is still trying to get the oatmeal down, Alfie has to admit defeat. Tommy is looking down at the bowl with teary eyes, knuckles white around the spoon and teeth closed around his trembling bottom lip.

Fuck, he can’t do this today.

“Right, right, that’s fine, then, you don’t have to eat any more,” he says, rips the spoon right of his hand and takes the tray from Tommy. Without looking back to see the damage, he takes it down to the kitchen just to get a moment to breathe, settle the irritation prickling his skin. He’s aware he’s acting like a fucking arse, but it feels entirely out of his control, as if he’s watching the disaster unfold from the outside.

“Is everything alright?” Esther asks when he limps into the kitchen and drops the tray onto the table, but he only gives a grunt in reply before going back upstairs. He tries to brace himself before entering the bedroom, calm down, make everything stop moving so quickly around him, but he’s so fucking tired that he can barely see straight. Resting his forehead against the closed door, he allows his eyes to fall shut for a moment and just breathes.

He needs to keep it together. He needs to fix this. He grits his teeth together until they hurt and his pulse slows, the rage that’s been building receding to vague irritation.  

When Alfie enters the bedroom he finds Tommy where he left him, sat on the bed, holding the hot water bottle to his stomach. He looks away from the door as if to hide that he’s been watching it, wiping at his eyes.

“So, how about we go… downstairs for a bit, then,” Alfie says, trying to find the words along the way in his muddled brain. Tommy looks at him with those sad eyes and he can’t fucking bear it.

“Stop fucking looking at me that way!” he snaps. “As if I’ve somehow hurt you by trying to make you eat. As if I’ve done something wrong. Is that it? You think it’s wrong that I’m trying to keep you alive?” Tommy has drawn his knees to his chest and is looking everywhere except at him, shoulders quaking as he tries to choke down sobs, and Alfie can’t reel it back in. “Answer me! Why won’t you fucking talk? Make a bloody effort!”  

Tommy flinches as if Alfie just hit him, letting out a stifled whine and hiding underneath his arms, face pressed against his knees.

Alfie tries to catch his breath.  

His hands shake and he feels light headed, his blood going from boiling to freezing cold. Fuck fuck fuck, what have you done?  It feels like the floor gives out from under him and he flees the room, slamming the door on the way.

He makes it downstairs, finds Esther in the kitchen, grabs her arm.

“I can’t do this, I’m fucking losing it,” he says, can’t recognize his own voice. “need- you need to-“

Esther hushes him and grabs his shoulders, hands steady and eyes calm.

“Alright, alright, what happened? Is Tommy okay?”

He shakes his head, tries to focus on her steady gaze, Esther is calm, that must mean something, but he can’t figure out what-

“I don’t know, I, fuck, he wouldn’t eat and I snapped at him and he got upset, I couldn’t fucking handle it-“ he barely remembers now, it’s all a blur except for the look in Tommy’s eyes. “I yelled at him. I scared him.”  

Esther nods and holds his gaze, calm and unwavering. Alfie feels as if he can’t get enough air.

“Okay, it’s okay, Alfie, listen to me.”

He listens, what else can he fucking do? Esther nods encouragingly.

“Okay, there we are. Everything will be alright,” she says. “You hear me? Tommy knows you, and you’ve done admirable work with that temper of yours, but it’s not like it hasn’t happened before.” She holds his arms steadily. “And you’ve sorted it out before. This will be no different. Alright?”

He nods, mostly because he desperately wants to believe her, wants someone else to call the shots, take some of the weight from his shoulders before it crushes him.

“Good. Now go lie down, I’ll talk to Tommy-“

“No, no, I have to apologize.”

“I really don’t think-“

“I won’t be able to get a fucking moment’s rest if I don’t talk to him first. Fuck you should’ve seen him, I made him fucking cry-“ his voice cracks and Esther nods.

“Alright, alright, fine, I’ll go with you, how about that?”  

He’s too exhausted to object, and it’s a relief to simply follow as Esther goes upstairs and carefully knocks on the bedroom door.

Tommy has been frozen on the bed since he left, still curled into a tight ball with his face hidden. He tries not to imagine all the scenarios he could’ve walked in on.

Alfie sits before him and swallows thickly.

“Tommy, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” he says, reaching out and when Tommy doesn’t flinch, he pulls him into a hug. Probably holds him too tightly but he can’t help it. “It’s not your fault,” he whispers into his hair. “You hear me? You didn’t do anything wrong, this is all on me. I shouldn’t have yelled, and I shouldn’t have said those things. Do you understand?”

Tommy nods against his chest but it does nothing to ease the guilt. It could be worse, it could be a whole lot worse, he’s at least present, his outburst didn’t put him into the disoriented state he slips into when things are truly bad, when nothing can reach him. And he’s letting Alfie hold him, that must count for something, right? He presses kisses into his hair.

Esther seats herself on the chair beside the bed.

“Tommy, love, I’ve convinced mister Solomons that he needs to get some rest, or he’ll be absolutely insufferable to everyone around him, and we can’t have that, can we?

Tommy peers up at her and rubs his eyes. Teardrops cling to his lashes.

“So how about you and I go down to the kitchen and you can help me peel some potatoes? Or just keep me company. It’ll just be the two of us.” Esther smiles warmly and Tommy nods.

Alfie kisses away the remnants of a tear from his cheek, cradling the back of his head. It feels fragile underneath his fingers, the edges of the scar like ridges and valleys of a mountain.  

“I’m sorry,” he mutters one more time against his soft skin stretched across his cheekbone.

Esther has put out clothes for Tommy and gently guides him through the process of getting dressed while Alfie sits on the bed, uselessly staring and trying to somehow stay upright. Then she takes the hot water bottle and his favorite blanket -Alfie has no idea how it’s managed to survive for this long, but small blessings, right- before leading him out of the room with a reassuring smile in Alfie’s direction and a steady arm around Tommy’s back.

When the door closes behind them, Alfie finds himself flat on his back on the bed, and moments later, he’s out cold.

…

When he opens his eyes, the first thing he realises is that Tommy is gone, and he’s suddenly wide awake, bolts out of bed, looks out the window as if Tommy would’ve- as if he would’ve jumped- but he’s not there, no broken body crumpled in the grass, and not in the bathroom either, not lying motionless in a puddle of blood surrounded by mirror shards. His heartrate only picks up. Could someone have taken him? Why didn’t he wake up-

Then he remembers, and the relief knocks him back onto the bed, head resting in his hands as tries to catch his breath. Tommy’s fine. He’s with Esther. But no, he won’t truly know that he’s fine until he sees him again. A glance at the clock tells him it’s already past noon, and anything could’ve happened in the hours he’s been asleep…

Alfie heaves himself off the bed again and makes for the stairs without his cane, which he’s failed to find in the two seconds he allotted to search for it. Been doing just fine without it for so long, he has, but now his entire body hurts. He thumps his fist against the side of his leg to make it wake up and holds on tightly to the railing as he walks downstairs.

“Tommy?” he calls out, even if he knows Tommy won’t, can’t, answer. Frances’ head pops out from the kitchen.

“The living room, Sir,” she says before disappearing again.  

And Tommy is indeed in the living room, wrapped in his blanket on the sofa with the hot water bottle firmly clasped to his chest, with Esther on one side and, much to Alfie’s surprise and discontent, Arthur on the other. Arthur has the paper splayed on the table before him as he stares at it, brow furrowed.

Esther gets up as she sees him down the hallway, coming to meet him before he can enter and ushers him out of immediate earshot of the sofa.  

“A native of ancient Gallia… What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Arthur mutters, meanwhile, tapping a pencil against the page. “Eh, Tommy-boy, look at that. Who’d know something like that?”  

Tommy leans a bit closer to his older brother but doesn’t say anything to weigh in. He’s okay. Everything’s okay.

“He’s been doing just fine,” Esther whispers before he can ask.  “Even ate a bit at lunch. Did you sleep well?”

“You didn’t leave him alone with Arthur, did you?” Alfie mutters, ignoring her question.

“Mr Shelby has been very good with him. Very calm and gentle. But no, I’ve kept an eye on him.” She winks and smiles. “But I suspect he’ll be very happy to see you. So unless I’m needed I’ll go help Frances in the kitchen.”  

She pats his shoulder and Alfie goes into the living room.

“Answer’s ‘Gauls’,” he says, and two pairs of eyes turn to him. “Yeah. Native’s of Gallia, weren’t they. The Gauls.” Tommy lights up, a tiny bit, a little flicker of life that makes his heart ache. He doesn’t deserve it, but God how he wants it. Arthur frowns and counts the letters again.

“Yeah, well it doesn’t fit with what’s already there.”

“Firstly, you’re only supposed to put one letter in each box,” Alfie points out as he moves to sit next to Tommy. After a split second’s hesitation, he opens his arms and Tommy, despite his fears, doesn’t hesitate to nestle into his side and lay his head on his chest. It settles the gnawing worry there, finally. Alfie rests his chin on the top of his head. “And you’ve put Dover on thirteen down. It should be Bristol.”

Arthur huffs, but erases the letters. Alfie snatches the pencil from him and scribbles the new word over top before he’s fully finished.  

“Where is everyone?” He hands back the pencil and begins rubbing circles over Tommy’s back. Arthur keeps staring at the crossword, eyes narrowed.

“Ada and Liz took the kids to the stables for the afternoon,” he mutters and squints at the tiny letters. “Who makes these? How the fuck am I supposed to know the name of ‘a large bird of the parrot family’?”

“Macaw.”

“Why don’t you take over since you seem to know everything,” Arthur says, but keeps looking at the crossword.

“Got my hands full over here,” Alfie smirks and holds Tommy closer. “And I think you’re doing brilliantly.”

Arthur scowls at him, but then looks at Tommy, choses the path of least resistance, for once, and stays quiet.

They spend the better part of an hour there on the sofa, which is the longest time Alfie has spent in Arthur’s company without wanting to bash his head in. Almost annoying how much it’s helped, just sleeping for a few hours. What’s better is that Tommy seems to have come out unscathed on the other end of his fuck up, and really, his own relative well-being is intrinsically connected to whether or not Tommy is okay. Especially if he’s directly responsible for him possibly not being so. But he seems to be okay, content with listening to Alfie and Arthur bicker about things like the correct spelling of ‘quarrel’ as long as Alfie keeps stroking his back, occasionally scratching lightly between his shoulder blades. But once they’re almost entirely done with the crossword, Alfie notices a slow change: his eyes begin drifting, catching on odd points around the room, a slight tension creeping into his back. The tension only grows, and suddenly Tommy flinches and looks wide eyed out the window. Alfie takes his hand before he can try to reach for the scar.

“How about we go out for a few minutes, petal?” he asks, throwing out the first idea of distraction that comes to mind. “Just a short walk, yeah? I think that would be a-”

“You sure he should be moving around so much just yet?” Arthur cuts him off. Alfie resists the urge to outright growl. Ridiculous fucking postering.

“As you’ve had pointed out to you previously, dear Arthur, I’ve taken quite adequate care of Tommy for the last months. I think I know what’s best for him.”

“Well, I’ve known him since he was this small,” Arthur says and shows a distance between his hands that must be entirely off, even for such a tiny thing as Tommy. “And I’m his older brother, so I’m getting pretty tired of being entirely shut down in conversations like this.”

Alfie has to scoff. “Yeah? And how well has that worked out so far, eh? Tell me about all your admirable ‘older brother’ traits and deeds that could possibly qualify you to make decisions regarding what’s best for Tommy.”

A sharp cough comes from the doorway.

“Perhaps you should let Tommy answer the question himself,” Esther says where she’s stood on the threshold with a laundry basket on her hip and a sharp look directed at them both. The fucking ears on that woman… Much to his annoyance he feels the back of his neck get hot. The only comfort is that Arthur looks a bit sheepish as well.

“Right.” Alfie clears his throat and looks at Tommy and his wary eyes. “Do you want to go outside for a bit, Tommy? For a walk?”  

Tommy nods eagerly.

Arthur mutters something under his breath, but waves a hand in defeat. “Just don’t go to far.”

Alfie only dignifies that with an eyeroll.

Tommy gets to borrow a pair of shoes and a coat, Esther brings Alfie his cane, and then they’re out the door. Alfie offers his arm to Tommy, who takes it, albeit carefully, fingers burrowing in the fabric of his jacket. Ada’s countryside home is located quite a bit aways from any neighbors, and Alfie suddenly realises he’s barely seen the surroundings in daylight. It’s mostly fields and meadows, interspersed with clusters of large trees. There’s a narrow gravel road leading up to the house, and he takes Tommy down that, walking slowly. Tommy is a bit unsteady on his feet, which is no surprise really, because he’s spent most of his time in bed lately.

The air is warm, a gentle breeze rustles through the grass, and sunlight seeps through the branches of the trees. And slowly, the tension in Alfie’s shoulders melt. Even the ache in his back and bad hip seems to fade a bit with the slow movement. Tommy is pale, almost translucent, but the sunlight brings life back to his eyes and his cheeks gain some much needed colour. For the first part of the walk he keeps his gaze on the ground, but slowly, slowly, he begins looking at their surroundings, glancing up for short moments at the trees, the grass, the distant fields. And Alfie suddenly can’t look at him because it feels like his heart will break.

Nothing he does will ever be enough to keep him safe. Even if he could, it wouldn’t be enough to simply keep him inside, locked away, far away from all the danger in the world, Alfie wishes he could grow to twice his size and wrap himself around him like a protective shield, keep him inside his fucking chest behind his aching heart, wipe away all the bad memories until there’s nothing that can hurt him anymore, nothing the bad in the past, nothing of the bad that could possibly happen but won’t because there he’d finally be safe and Alfie would be at peace. But all of that is impossible. He’ll have to somehow keep living and breathing, even with that knowledge.

Tommy is watching him, huddling a bit closer to his side.

Alfie clears his throat.

“I’m sorry that I yelled at you.”

Tommy shakes his head at that, which Alfie knows mean: don’t mention it, it’s fine.

“No, no, that was… ‘s not fucking alright, that,” he says. “My head doesn’t always work right, yeah? And I’ve been- Well, this latest debacle might’ve made me a bit tenser than usual, but that doesn’t change anything. I don’t ever want to… scare you. Or upset you in any way. And I need you to know it wasn’t your fault. None of it. I worry about you, obviously, but that’s no excuse. And no one is allowed to treat you that way. If I’d heard someone else speak to you like that I would’ve fucking ended them.” He smiles crookedly at Tommy. “Think you can forgive an old bastard?”

Tommy hugs his arm tightly and nods. Alfie cranes his neck to bury his nose in his hair, kissing the top of his head.

They continue their walk down smaller path with meadows on either side, shaded by tall trees. Tommy is leaning against him, and when they reach a particularly nice area under the shadow of a large tree, Alfie stops again.

“How about we sit down for a bit?” he says. “These old legs could use the rest.”  

Not too gracefully, Alfie sits down in the grass with a grunt, squinting up at Tommy through the sunlight slipping between the tree’s branches and grinning when he sees the perplexed look on his face.

“Oh, go ahead love. Makes you feel young, right, sitting on the ground. And I reckon you’ll feel right at home.” He shrugs out of his jacket and puts it on the ground next to him, gesturing for Tommy to sit. “There you go, sweetheart. For your comfort, like the gentleman I am.”

A little something tugs at the corner of Tommy’s mouth and he sits down and leans into the offered embrace. Though Alfie’s back very much reminds him that he’s not at all young anymore, so he fairly soon abandons the plan of sitting and instead stretches out on his back in the grass, pulling Tommy down along with him until his head rests on his chest. The sunlight filters through the leaves and catches in the dark strands of his hair, and Tommy lays his arm across his stomach and buries his face in the crook of his neck. His breath tickles his skin as he yawns and Alfie thinks his heart might burst when he struggles to keep his eyes open, the long lashes fluttering. Following a whim, Alfie rolls them over onto the side so that he can properly look at him, cushioning his head with his bicep. Tommy blinks, watching him with the curiosity of an animal. His eyes are bluer than the sky. Alfie carefully brushes back a lock of dark hair that falls over his eyes.

“You’re beautiful,” he tells him. When was the last time he did? Too long ago. Tommy’s gaze flickers. He runs his thumb over the soft skin on the sharp cheekbone. “And I’m… I don’t say this enough, I don’t think, because I always hope that I show you, that you know- But I’ve been pretty awful at showing it lately, I reckon, but the point is-“ Everything I am, you hold in the palm of your hand, I’m terrified of losing you, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything on this godforsaken earth. “Point is, I’m glad that you’re here. That you’re okay. Yeah?”

Tommy drops his gaze to some undetermined spot on his chest and takes a quick little breath through his nose. Alfie closes the distance between them and kisses him, properly, and it’s been way too long since he did that too, hasn’t it? For a short moment, Tommy’s lips are frozen against his, but then they soften and he opens his mouth allowing Alfie to deepen the kiss. He cradles the side of Tommy’s face, keeps it gentle, soft.

Somewhere above them sings a bird.

Eventually, Alfie breaks the kiss, pulling back to look at him.

And Tommy smiles.

It’s faint, almost hesitant, as if he’s forgotten how to. And he nearly must have because Alfie can’t even remember the last time he saw him smile, but it’s a smile that makes his eyes glimmer with stubborn traces of life that’s still there. In spite of everything, still there.  

[happyhauntt]

questions twenty through thirty for the ask game ? <3 <3

20. what i hate most about myself

my appearance, my personality, my general existence is Unsavoury to me.

21. what i love most about myself

my compassion! i think i'm a good friend if nothing else.

22. what i want to be when i get older

i am twenty-six whole years old, you're telling me there's more after this??? but honestly a writer (and, uh. not in constant physical pain. we're aiming low here 😅 )

23. my relationship with my sibling(s)

better now than when we were younger! my sister is kinda Cool and i have never been Cool so we clashed a lot but we're closer now.

24. my relationship with my parent(s)

my mum and i are super close and my dad has been dead for a decade so draw your own conclusions 👀

25. my idea of a perfect date

getting a date would be great but honestly?? going to a library or bookstore and picking out a book for one another sounds so fun.

26. my biggest pet peeves

other people existing in my general vicinity.

27. a description of the girl/boy i like

non-existent.

28. a description of the person i dislike the most

still alive, unfortunately.

29. a reason i’ve lied to a friend

not wanting to disappoint them or upset them.

30. what i hate the most about work/school

i resent having to work as a disabled person in an economy that is engineered specifically to kill me off!!! 🙃

nosy anon ask game!

[malottie]

15 19 20 24 25 26 29 30 38

❤️

that is a long ask! <3

15: what do you think when you see "home"?

honestly, i don't really know. maybe it's because my first language, french, doesn't have the concept of "home" itself, having that meaning ascribed to "house" or "one's place", things like that. maybe it's because i don't feel at home in my own body, and so cannot think about home. i know how important of a concept it is, the idea of home, but it feels sort of. empty to me. don't know why

19: favorite thing about the day

i'd say the bright sky. be it the color of ash, of peach, of sapphire, it is always lovely. do you like the color of the sky? opalescent, cerulean, violet; from summer-dawn orange to winter-dusk marine blue.

20: favorite thing about the night

the peace and rest. the dark, and the stars it invites; the quasi-silence, and the serenity it brings; the slow veil of the gods of sleep and dream.

which is why i hate big cities. to quote myself, " ... the city that humms the eerie tune of 'sleep is for the weak and the world shall never stop', blinded by the concrete and the cars and the streetlights that scream of 'the dark is to be conquered, and we shall kill the night itself too'."

24: one thing you're proud of about yourself

giving myself time. i don't have much to be proud of yet, and it's fine. i'm giving myself the time to heal and to grow properly, not rushing, not pushing myself, not being ashamed or angry at the fact i'm getting better very slowly. beside, i'm only 18. i'm just a baby

25: favorite season and why

i'm spring/fall team. summer is always way too hot, but the barrenness of winter isn't very fun, nor good for the spirit. spring is the best because we have flowers and trees springing to life, we have the sun but with fresh, moving air. it is the rebirth of the cycle of life. not that autumn isn't nice too

26: favorite color and why

that's the good stuff!! #9153ff. this

not purple. not violet. not perrywinkle or whatever. this. to the tee. changing the rgb values just a bit makes it worse, in every case.

i discovered it with the game "tomorrow won't come for those without ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️", made by etherane, the person who also made Hello Charlotte, which lives rent free in my head. it is the most perfect, most beautiful shade of purple. hue of the gods, truly.

29: what do you do when you're sad?

honestly, i kinda just crumble. my coping mechanisms are centered around NOT feeling the sadness (i know it's not healthy, i'm trying okay? T-T) so when i DO feel the bad emotions it's closer to a dam breaking over your head than being rained on. i just sort of get splattered on the ground for a while and then i get back to business as usual. in these moments i have zero energy and zero wants so i don't. really DO anything

30: one thing that never fails to make you happier

talking to people. it came as a surprise at first; i'm not really a people person, whole neuridivergent stuff and all. but when i talk with people with whom the communication struggles can be overcome, or people in the same situation as me, social interaction can feel nice. if i enjoy someone's presence, just exchanging a few words can turn my "everything is bad and everything hurts and i don't want anything or anyone, not even myself"s into "actually i love people and all of it is worth it and the whole world is scripture"s

38: favorite song at the moment

i don't really have any one song i listen to on repeat rn. i could say Sdorica-The Story Unfolds. less recently it's been Zoltraak, from the anime Frieren