#honestly I don't think people are going to like Wendyfic 3

[robotslenderman]

Can relate to this.

I have a fic in the pipeline where the main character, who is otherwise very morally sound and actually has a history of making unpopular decisions in the name of doing the right thing, knowingly stays in a close friendship with a rapist because she loves him and doesn't want to be alone. With the way the fic is going she may even end up romantically involved with him because they have incredible chemistry and she genuinely has a relationship with him that she has with nobody else.

Except, you know. He's a rapist, and she knows about it.

And I am so. not. looking forward. to seeing people accuse me of being okay with that kind of thing IRL. like I think 99% of the reason why it's taken so long to edit this fic so that I can actually publish it is because I know I am going to get a ton of shit thrown at me for what I am going to write my character as choosing to do.

I am not looking forward to people demanding I dig up my own trauma in order to present it to them for their inspection and approval before they can determine me "traumatised enough" to be qualified to write about it. I do have trauma but fuck anyone who thinks I should present it to them like a fucking ID card.

The thing is, I've always loved reading and writing about fucked up shit. I read V C Andrews at twelve and loved it. I could never relate to escapism as a kid, it just felt infantilising and plot devicey; I felt soothed and comforted by darkfic where fucked up shit happened and it didn't get better. My childhood was miserable, and every time another fictional character got the happy ending I didn't it made me feel worse. I wanted to read about characters who could relate to my own suffering, and if they got their happy endings they couldn't relate to me any more. I couldn't relate to them any more.

But no matter how many times I break that down to people who prefer escapism, they just don't want to hear it. They can't comprehend that people genuinely want to explore fucked up shit in a way that doesn't involve direct harm to another human being. They want Victorian levels of morality in their fics (except less bigoted) so they presume everyone else wants the same morality in theirs, so if you write fucked up shit they just assume you are also pro-fucked up shit IRL.

But like. no. I'm going to write fucked up shit. I'm going to write fucked up shit and I'm NOT going to write it in such a way that the narrative Makes It Clear That It's Wrong because I'm going to assume that actual adults who can tell right from wrong are going to read it. I'm going to write it with realistic consequences -- the character is never going to not feel guilty about loving the rapist, she's never not going to have it eat away at her, and the person who was raped is going to have her own story and the person who was raped is going to be suitably fucked up by the whole thing (traumatised, but also not traumatised; it fucks her up that she feels she isn't fucked up enough by the whole thing due to the circumstances surrounding her rape; I feel that that's something a lot of rape survivors struggle with and it's something I'm going to explore in her own fic because I don't think it's talked about enough because there's definitely a societal expectation to be the certain picture of a rape victim and part of it is feeling a specific way about your rape) but I'm not going to write a story where everyone parades in a line and spouts the obvious: "raping people is wrong, and if you know someone who is a rapist you should kick their ass to the kerb instead of being friends with them what the fuck is wrong with you."

I've been really pushing myself lately to get over that fear and go ahead and edit and publish anyway. And I'm going to slap spoileriffic warnings over the thing because nobody who is dealing with that kind of trauma should have it sprung on them. I do genuinely care about the people who read it and don't want them to be enjoying themselves only to get punched in the face with flashbacks.

But if you have those kinds of triggers and read the trigger warnings and go ahead and read it anyway, and decide that means I'm okay with that kind of thing in real life simply because I wrote about it, then frankly no, I don't care about you because I will not care about someone who does not care about themselves. And if you send me angry anon messages for handling it wrong having gone in knowing what it was about, and you decide this means that my morals are equally as fucked up, then fuck you.

For what it's worth; it was not violent rape, but it was also the kind of rape that I could see people easily dismissing as "not real rape", and it's important to me that my character does say, flat out, "yes, what you did to her was rape." And she does. And he feels guilty about it. and she feels guilty about it.

But it's also going to eat away at her because none of that is an excuse. And I hope that the way I depict it as niggling away at her will make it clear that I, as a person and the writer, know it's bullshit and that it was unjustifiable. I hope that me writing her as knowing deep down that it still wasn't okay and that his feeling a little bit bad for it doesn't take away the trauma it inflicted on his victim makes it clear that I think it was a reprehensible act and would never stand for it IRL.

Buuuuuuuuuut in reality I know a lot of people are going to be really mad about it and assume I'm also a rape apologist because my character essentially is when you boil it down.

(Also, I get you, OP. I can't watch a lot of amateur porn because it's always in the back of my head that it could be revenge porn. Or I do and then feel really guilty because what if one of them doesn't know it's online??? what if one of them didn't consent to sharing it??? that shit keeps me up at night.)

why do i like dark stuff?

A little while ago I received an anonymous ask that I won't be publishing, because the way it was phrased suggests it was asked in bad faith (think "Have you stopped beating your wife?"). The question essentially boiled down to "Why are you into [works featuring] a horrible thing?".

I am generally a very open person, and normally wouldn't mind waxing philosophical about why my mind is twisted the way it is, but the thing is, it doesn't actually matter.

The way I see it, what we engage with in works of fiction, both as writers and readers, is akin to roleplaying.

For instance, when I write or read stories featuring rape, that's functionally no different from playing out a force fantasy with a partner. Assuming a story has been outfitted with appropriate tags and warnings, everyone involved have given their informed consent - because the characters in the story? Those are fictional.

No actual real people are being subjected to any kind of violation or abuse in the content I enjoy.* And writing or reading about abuse does not equate to condoning it.

Now, I understand that it can be upsetting to find that the creator of something you enjoy also creates or engages with works that you find morally repugnant (or even just a bit icky). Truly! I get it. But the thing is, dealing with your feelings about what other people consent to do with one another (as writers and readers of these stories) really isn't their responsibility. It's yours.

If you find the mere existence of a certain kind of story so triggering or upsetting as to feel abused yourself, you may want to look into the many ways you can filter and hide stories from AO3 so you won't be exposed to them. People who are into darkfic of all kinds are generally extremely aware that what we enjoy is often upsetting/triggering to others, and we're good at using tags and warnings to make sure no one who doesn't want to see our work will read it by accident.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I am not going to attempt to justify "why" I like the things I do, but I do want to say one thing on that topic: the psychology behind why people are into these kinds of things is incredibly complex, and as far as I know, science has barely begun to scratch the surface. Most people don't know why they kink the way they do. But please bear in mind that some who are into darkfic are using it as a way of processing their own traumatic experiences of abuse of various kinds. And if I were one of those people, being put on the spot with an anonymous demand that I explain and justify myself publicly would probably not help.

Finally, to the anon who sent the ask: If you are genuinely curious and did not mean to attack me - if you are prepared to actually listen to my answer - reach out to me in private and we'll talk.

* In fact, I'm so damn sensitive I can't even watch BDSM porn from reputable sources with actor interviews and all, because of the constant niggling worry that maybe, just maybe they're not into it after all.