#honestly Edwin is so funny. I don’t even find him that mean tbh that level of petty has always been hilarious to me.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

While Edwin’s more than a bit stand-offish and definitely not the most tactful, I never did get the sense that he doesn’t like people - in fact, I think his insistence that he’s “not good with people” and his general emotional detachment/disinterest has a lot more to do with his assumption that they don’t or won’t like him.

And while that’s very sad to think about… it’s not as if his belief here is hard to understand, considering his past experiences. But it’s left him quite guarded and lonely, and of course, the more he isolates himself from people other than Charles (and even here, he allows himself little vulnerability), the more he reinforces this fear that people won’t like him, and the less he allows himself to properly sympathize or empathize with others, which is why his friendships with Crystal and Niko and Monty (short-lived as that was) are so important. Once he started to let some of those walls down, to not be so scared of vulnerability and to be around people who allow themselves to feel and want so readily (to live! who allow themselves to live without fear of loving!), he’s really not nearly as bad with people as he seems to think he is - and, in fact, he’s actually quite good at saying or doing the right thing for them when it really counts.

[droppingthebasssince1997]

Even though its January 14th and new years was 14 days ago i just feel the need to talk about some stuff thats happened. Im not the kind of person to talk about things that happened. I’d rather keep it in and figure it out myself cause i guess I'm just used to it and also its so hard for me to voice out my emotions at some times. I just can never put it into words. 2017 was honestly the hardest year of my life and i know there are people out there who have it way worse but it was pretty shitty. So many things happened. I fell in love with an abusive, angry, self indulged coke head who made me hate myself and made me feel like everything i did in life was stupid. I stopped believing in myself, slacked hella in school, skipped school to basically be his fucking maid. all i did was clean, cook, sleep, drink and repeat this entire cycle. and if he was having a rough day well that just meant that id get yelled at for the tiniest things even if it means us arguing over who could get a can of pop. I guess thats when i stopped caring about everything, my mental health and physical health, my relationship with my family and friends (the 2 friends that i had lol) and my education. I was so lost and confused that I had pretty much given up on everything. I stopped trying to be positive or doing everything with a smile like i usually do. Long story short I had a little slip on june 9th. that was the day when i decided to end everything. fortunately enough i got stopped and long story short i got slapped with a record for trying to call out for help. Instead of saying its okay for wanting everything to stop in life for once, the first thing the psychiatrist told me at 12pm (after being taken in at 4am and being kept there) was that i was slapped with a criminal record. After he said that i guess i just shut down as usual. why the fuck would you consider someone a criminal for trying to kill themselves. Till this day i can't put the pieces together or come up with an idea of why they would do so. yes i had empty blow bags in my wallet and maybe its because i was drinking that night but still it made no sense in my head. It made me feel unimportant and unworthy despite everything that i had just went through. I didn’t talk to anyone for 3 days and funny story even tho i was told to stay away from alcohol my ex and his fam still got drunk and drank around me the entire night. the same night i got out of the hospital. I spent the first night alone because well everyone was partying and I didn't have any good friends to talk to. I lost kalli because i was dating a jerk and i lost kayla well basically because she had a busy life. long story short my parents found out i was lying about doing summer school and i went back to live with them beginning july. i really broke their hearts and my dad didn't talk to me or even look at me for 2 weeks. My dad is a sweetheart and in my 20 years on this planet he has raised his voice at me once and he apologized 30 minutes after. I really hurt them and I guess i waS still to dumb to see how i was still hurting them. i was still with josh the entire summer and i would come home hammered and coked out at 3 in the morning way past my curfew and fight with my parents. it got so bad once to the point where my dad and i got almost got into a physical fight. I was trying to leave the house and he grabbed all my stuff and chucked it. It was a horrible night. that was also the night i came clean to my mom about everything except coke because i don't think i could ever come clean about it. long story short i decided education was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life esp after having a great time during the summer being a summer camp leader. So i went back to kelowna to start year 2 well kinda. I was on probation cause i fucked year 1 up hard. i was still with that jerk but my good friends that i lived with made me realize what he was doing to me. he had me shoved up against car doors and walls while being right up in my face yelling at me. or getting made and pushing me because i accidentally lost cocaine. well i finally got the courage to break up with him for good. It was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. I never thought i could break up with him or get out of that abusive relationship. and sometimes it still hits me that I'm done with his bullshit for good and I'm okay. Im safe and I'm never going back there and he can never ever hurt me again. I guess I'm just scared and so fucking angry at myself for not seeing everything and the larger picture. I called myself a feminist for the longest time and would be like “how can girls stay in abusive relationships?” and now i know how. Being manipulated and controlled is a real thing. You are completely blinded by everything. your sense of power and identity get ripped away from you and your abuser becomes the only thing you have and find comfort in. Its weird and some people might not understand it. But i sure do and i finally realized all the things he had done to me. mentally and emotionally. anyways this is where 2017 got better for me. I started talking to my old friend edwin again. Josh made me ghost him when we got together. we talked everyday. it was like nothing had changed and within 2 days of talking to him i basically told him everything that happened in a year and 7 months. it was a lot tbh and i never actually noticed haha. but he stuck thru everything including my wild drunk nights out. I turned into something else and hoed around. I guess it was my way of dealing with stuff and found comfort in seeing guys? Because i didn't know who i was and my confidence was so used to being dependent on a guy for security and empowerment that i couldn't do it alone. I couldn't empower myself and thats mainly the reason to why i slept around. anyways edwin and i talked 25/7 day and night and we got so close without even realizing it. we gave each other relationship advice as he was seeing a couple girls and so was I. when i came back for reading break he kissed me and thats when i realized he had feelings for me all this while. I was so blinded by all these fuck boys to see he was right under my nose the entire time. and when he was flirting with me he actually was flirting with me and not joking about it. well i made a mistake after but long story short i liked him in an instant. i liked him more than like. i loved him but i knew it was too soon. i was scared to get serious so fast considering its only been a couple months since i broke up with josh. anyways he asked me out and i said yes in a heartbeat. He is not like any other guy and i know it. he’s far from them and he;s never going to hurt me. he didn't even have to say that to reassure me i just know. and I'm dating my best friend like how much better could it get. he helped me get sober and i could be 5 months sober but i had slip up. so its been 2 months fully clean and i couldn't feel anymore cleaner and pure. end of 2017 started to look better for me. I started dating my best friend, got sober, got out of probation, got a job in kelowna and my relationship with my parents got so so so strong. My mom and I haven't been closer and its honestly the best. little did i know we are the same person esp when drunk haha. But then some stuff with my little sister when down and i ratted her to my parents because it was the only way to get her out of that situation. anyways she doesn't talk to me anymore or ever. And i guess I'm so hurt and thats why i decided to write everything out because I'm hurt. I lost my best friend since 2013. yes she is my sister but she is also my best friend. If you ask me who i want as my bridesmaid id say shalini right off the hook. without thinking because when we moved here we had no one but each other. we moved half way across the country and left everything and everyone behind just because I  was failing school in singapore. we got close i guess after only having each other and it just stings a little that she can't trust me cause who do i trust now.I know i have edwin but its different. she’s my sister she just knows me like no body else. we were fobs together and we matured and grew together. i don't have any other girl friends i trust besides her. i don't have a girl best friend and i guess I'm just sad over that. I lost all my girl best friends cause of josh and the others are back home half way across the fucking world and i just don't mean as much as i used to to them. distance and time difference can play a part lol. I really don't know what got to me to talk about everything or at least a couple things but maybe its just cause i finally got my period after 3 months and I'm super emotional and hormonal? sighs anyways i know 2018 is going to be my year and so many things are happening this year its defs gonna be a year to remember. I just wish for my best friend to come back or for me to find a good girlfriend who's on my level and wants to talk to me about her date or texts me while she;s on her date or something or comes over to nap or eat food or netflx or maybe go shopping with idk. i know i already have a friend./ twin sister  like that, hanna, but she’s half way across the country and boy have we distanced. anyways i took like 45 mins typing this out and crying so i think its time to toughen up and get back to reality and life. Im a strong girl who’s been thru a couple things and with that experience of being hurt, used and manipulated I'm gonna make a change and 2018 is going to be waaaay different. I got this, all of it.