#homelander fuckers anonymous apparently

[collateraldamage-inc]

PRIV: MotherFUCKER what are you DOING

(( This is re: Aurelia's relationship with th3miIkman on Twitter. She has many thoughts and FEELINGS and the Aurelia/Homelander dynamic is so FASCINATING to me. PRIV posts are just that, private IC entries, so nobody's character can actually SEE them. Replies are considered OOC. ))

Month in month out I'm just not fucking sure what I'm even doing, is this fight worth it? At all? What am I trying to accomplish? I swear to fuck I don't know anymore, I'm one person, I'm NOTHING. And then it happens. Of all the people, of all the FUCKING people, I start dealing with HIM.

Fucking HOMELANDER.

It's like

It's like an ornery rat facing off against this big fuckin' cat and the cat just can't believe the audacity so he keeps playing with this rodent like wow

Nah, fucking wordplay isn't going to work here.

I am not afraid of this man. I do not give a shit what he does to me. He could choose to play basketball with my head and I just do not give a flying fuck. It's fine.

So months go by. We dance. Verbal sparring matches where I can get as pissy as I want and he does not give a shit. I'm not reprimanded. Maybe like, once, once he hints I've gone a little too far but that's it. That's it. He's into the snarling and I'm into the fact that somebody isn't telling me to calm down ma'am

It is fucking INVIGORATING.

There is finally somebody that lets me be pissed off. I don't have to censor my feelings. This motherfucker is going so far as to kill people he doesn't know because they're making me feel unsafe.

I want more.

John is the fucking enemy, but he's not, but he's been handed so much shit and his childhood makes my sister's look like a goddamn amusement park. He turns to putty in my hands. He needs me I keep reminding him that he's better, he doesn't have to listen to Vought, he doesn't owe them anything. I can pull the trigger. I should pull the trigger. I encourage him.

But that little voice in the back of my head says be careful because surely they've got something, anything, just in case John goes rogue.

And it's not the possibility of failure to bring down the giant that scares me.

It's the possibility of losing him.

Do I just accept what I've got now and let it go?

I can't. 'Cause they fucked him, too. Vought fucked me, Vought fucked my family, Vought fucked my boyfriend

And in the end, no matter the cost, they need to pay. Somehow.

But it can wait. Just a little longer, so I can get just a little more time of feeling happier than I've felt in three fucking years

I don't deserve much, but we both deserve that