#holy shit the only reason i had any delusion he was intelligent was because I was trauma bonded to him

[bill-gates-hate-blog]

you know i had been beating myself up about last december for "acting like a slut" and him admonishing me for "my feelings getting out of control" when i had been trying to be honest about them

but telling someone "I would feel more interested in and comfortable with doing romantic and sexual things with you if you broke up with your current partner because clearly whatever you two have got going on isn't working out" is actually an extremely normal thing to do

[head-empty-just-shikamaru]

Walls of Steel (part 1)

shikamaru x gn!reader

Warnings: discussions about chronic depression, medication, hopelessness, anxiety, (BRIEF) mentions of suicidal thoughts, just a whole lot of self-indulgent angst (and comfort). This might be triggering for some of you, so proceed with caution, please.

Premise: You tell Shikamaru nothing feels like it's getting better- that you feel like you're drowning in your misery. Turns out that Shikamaru has a lot more emotional intelligence than you give him credit for.

A/N: Highkey going through what feels like hell right now, wrote this to comfort myself with delusions. I see so many "x reader" fics centered around the idea of a depressed reader. But I have yet to read one that TRULY captures the intensity of depression and its effects on people. It always feels so watered down. I also really wanted to highlight the ugly, not romanticized aspects of depression no one really talks about. If you have any critique to offer then I urge you to give me feedback. It's my first time writing a piece of fiction and I'm still an amateur. I would like to get better at writing.

(HOLY SHIT I WAS NOT EXPECTING MY FIRST FIC TO BE SO LONG)

You faintly hear the whirring of the fan in your dimly lit room, although it's not doing much to cool you down when you're wrapped up in such thick blankets. Your body is damp with sweat and your eyes bleary from drowsiness- but frustratingly enough you're not tired enough to actually fall asleep, and yet your body can't muster up the energy to do anything but lie in bed.

Ugh. How incredibly annoying.

Your mind may be drowsy, but it still echoes with self-deprecating thoughts. Thoughts of hopelessness, self-hatred, anger, confusion..... it suffocates you and holds down your whole body like a mysterious, invisible pressure that no one else seems to feel but you. A pressure that was so powerful it left you frozen and helpless on the bed. Your thoughts are slowly taking a darker turn as you start contemplating for the millionth time in your life whether you should take one too many of your pills and just end it all. You're quickly running out of reasons to restrain yourself from doing so and that realization only sends you further down your depressive spiral. Your chest is tight and it's hard to breathe. Or maybe that's just the blankets suffocating you? Who knows.

Actually, how long have I been here anyway?

It must've been hours because the room had been gradually getting dimmer and dimmer as the day went on. You'd been in the same spot since afternoon, and now it was dark out. You squint your eyes in the darkness to check the clock and your eyes widen.

No way. It's 7:00 PM. How?

You flop back on the bed in disbelief and curl in on yourself underneath the thick blankets once again.

I've wasted yet another day doing nothing productive. How pathetic.

And suddenly, you hear your front door click and unlock. A voice calls out your name and your stomach drops.

Shit. It's Shikamaru.

Why did you think it was a good idea to give him the keys to your place anyway? You really should have thought this through a little more. Shika might be your boyfriend, but the idea that he can now come and go as he pleases is not ideal in the slightest. Not when it's the one place you allow yourself to let your guard down, where you release all the horrible feelings you suppress in public just to get through the day and function like a normal human being.

You hear his footsteps get closer to the room and shut your eyes quickly. Maybe if you pretend to be asleep, he'll leave you alone.

Please, please, please, just fall for it and leave already.

Your bedroom door clicks open and you hear him flip a switch. The room is flooded with light and your already shut eyes squeeze tighter under the covers from the sudden brightness in the room. You feel the mattress shift as you realize that Shikamaru is now sitting next to your laying form. A sudden silence fills the air until Shikamaru finally breaks it.

"I know you're awake- there's no way you're not uncomfortable with how hot it is under those blankets. You can stop acting like you're actually taking a nap, babe."

You recognize the slight humor laced in his tone and it only worsens your already bitter mood. Actually, "bitter" was quite an understatement.

Depression had made you so miserable that not only did you envy others in their ability to function better and feel happy, but now it made you hate them too. It made you feel like shit to see others live a life that made it impossible for them to comprehend how all-consuming this illness was. How could they understand that it made you paranoid of every slight shift in tone in any conversation, made you paranoid of people secretly hating you? That it made you question your own character, your own worthiness? That it made you lose sight of the consequences of your reckless actions on your own mental and physical health? That it made you dysfunctional?

Obviously, this means that Shikamaru was now one of the many victims of your silent wrath and jealousy. You had secretly grown to resent his attitude towards life. His carefree nature towards it all, the way he complained about the things you wish you had. You wish you had his "nagging" parents, you wish you had his amazing support system provided by his friends. You couldn't imagine why he would ever complain about the very people who supported him and contributed to his stable, happy life.

You, on the other hand, felt as if you had nobody to rely on. For most of your life that was your reality. Even your family wasn't supportive, and they hurt you so much. You had to deal with your illness and trauma on your own. However, recently you had managed to make friends who seemed genuine in their efforts to be there for you- Shikamaru was one of them, although he was more than just a friend.

And that's just it isn't it? You're dating him because you love him far more than you hate him. Despite your secret resentment against him, you love him so, so dearly. You would climb mountains for him. You loved so much about him. The was he was so uncharacteristically patient with you. The was he affectionately called you "troublesome" and ruffled your hair, with the softest smile on his pretty face. How incredibly gorgeous he was (truly, he was out of your league). The way he loved your body even if you hated it. The fact that he smelled like musky pinewood. The way you felt so safe and wanted in his arms. The fact that he gave such warm firm hugs every time he saw you (if no one else was around of course- he was quite shy with affection in public. And you loved that too. You found it adorable, really). And even though you envied how effortlessly good he was at everything despite his laziness due to his genius (because your efforts always seemed to fall flat no matter what you tried and no matter how hard you tried to excel at it), you truly admired him for it. His intelligence made him an excellent person to have long conversations with no matter the topic. And you were so proud of him for becoming the Hokage's right-hand man. You have no doubt he has wonderful things ahead for him, things he deserves.

And that's why you hate yourself more than you could ever hate him or anybody else. Because he was a good man who deserved better than you. And even though he was patient with you, you were always aware that he dreamed of a simple life with a simple, happy family. You were far from simple. Or happy.

"I really was trying to fall asleep, you know. I'm just tired and I really don't like you showing up randomly like this. You should let me know earlier if you're planning to come over so I know ahead of time".

Your tone is the complete opposite of his- cold, mechanical, distant, and especially unamused. You hate yourself for talking to him this way, but you can't help yourself. Normally you're good at putting on an act, but he really caught you off-guard with his little visit. You figure it's best to keep this conversation as short as possible so you don't fly off the rails and lose your cool.

"Please just get up. We need to talk because this is urgent".

Wait..... what?

Was he breaking up with you?

Nonononono! I'm not ready for this! Please!

Were you too late? You were planning on breaking it off eventually, but you wanted to do it before he truly saw you for who you were before he could resent you for it. It's not like you really wanted to stop being with him, but you simply wanted to avoid the pain of rejection. Plus he deserved better anyway. If he broke it off first, that means you were too late. You couldn't bear the idea of him abandoning you first.

Externally, you look fine but internally your brain is flooded with anxiety, as you silently panic and pray that you're wrong. You silently sit up and glance at him. Every ounce of your focus is now put into appearing as calm and unbothered as you can, but your heart continues to pound and you wonder if Shikamaru can hear it.

"Alright, what did you want to talk about?"

Shikamaru turns his body towards your direction and takes note of your messy hair, dazed look in your eyes, and unclean appearance. As you watch him examine your appearance briefly, you feel embarrassed. You had neglected to bathe for a few days and you wonder if you smell. The back of your neck burns with shame as you wonder if he's repulsed by your smell. It doesn't really help that your room looks like grabage with how messy and unkempt it is. He looks around and sees clothes and papers strewn about everywhere. You feel blood rush to your cheeks and wish you could crawl in a hole to escape the awkwardness of the situation. You really needed him out. Now.

"I'm worried about you, sweetheart. Please just talk to me and tell me what's wrong. I want to help".

"What are you talking about?"

"Why are you so distant from me all of a sudden? Everyone is so worried about you! It feels like you're always in a different world than me. I never know what you're thinking and how you're really feeling. And you're clearly not taking care of yourself! I'm aware it's hard to do that when you're depressed, but you seem to be getting worse and I'm worried! Please just trust me".

"You can't. Because you can't understand what I'm dealing with".

Shikamaru lets out a gruff sound of frustration and scowls at you.

"Then help me understand, dammit!"

And all of a sudden, something inside you just..... breaks.

You slowly put your head in your hands as the tightening in your chest becomes so unbearable that there are now tears rolling down your face. Your vision is blurring. Breathing feels so difficult. You hear ringing in your ears. You hold your breath and gasp for air simultaneously to avoid making noise- a habit you developed as a child to prevent drawing attention to yourself when crying. Your shoulders violently shake as your body wracks from your silent sobs. Your face is slowly turning red, adding to your humiliation. You feel Shikamaru's faint touch on your shoulder recoil away from it immediately.

"LEAVE! GET OUT, I SAID I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!"

Your voice is shrill and watery as you make a beeline for the bathroom, and your face was still hidden away from his point of view.

For a brief moment, Shikamaru just sits there frozen in shock. He had never seen his sweetheart cry, let alone snap at him like that. He knew you were diagnosed with depression even before you two started dating, but..... things only seemed to be getting worse. Are your medications not working? Are you skipping out on it? What is going on and why didn't he notice something was wrong sooner? However, he quickly snaps out of his shock and speedwalks his way to the now locked bathroom. He knocks at the door.

"I'm not leaving. I love you too much for that, even if you're being unusually stubborn and childish right now".

God. You really don't deserve him.

There's a pause of silence before you finally speak up:

"I want to break up with you, Shikamaru. I'm done with this relationship. I'm so incredibly exhausted and I don't see a point of continuing this when I know it's not going to last. So please leave".

Now it was his turn to panic.

"....what...?"

[ellaintrigue]

Jan Van Eyck-The Last Judgment

I really hate religion, the only thing I can accept is wicca which seems relatively peaceful. I find the lighting of candles soothing. I mentioned this on FaceBook once and one of my mom’s 70-year-old friends curtly scolded me, saying that God did not approve.

To me, God is a force or a good vibe, not someone that sits high up in the sky on a throne judging people. Who would want anything to do with such a dude? It’s been said that he smites gay folks but I haven’t seen any incinerated into mid air yet. Maybe I just don’t get out much.

Recently a friend of a friend added me on FB and I accepted since the other friend was one of mom’s people, an older guy. I do not mind most of mom’s friends because I don’t judge on age and many are intelligent and funny. This new “friend” was an elderly (80?) local lady from Salisbury so she was obviously a real person. Too real. Mixed in the posts of recipes and pictures of cakes were shares from Christian pages. Random trees and things shaped like crosses captioned with “GOD IS SHOWING HE IS HERE” and the like. I kept scrolling down this person’s shit wondering why she added me because I’m posing in a bra in my profile pic. If what I’m understanding is correct, God hates titties too.

There were many posts of sick children with captions to pray for them and others that said “GOD CURED THIS BABY, GOD IS GOOD.” Then things got darker, I found posts saying that those that did not accept Jesus Christ as their savior would burn in hell. One post in the style of a meme showed a woman standing at a grave saying “he is in heaven now” and then it depicted a classical painting of nude people in hell being flogged bloody by a demon. The second image said not everyone goes to heaven.

I unfriended the old creep but none of what I had seen was new to me. I was raised on Christian textbooks and in a small town conservative area. Church on Sunday, community cookouts, and you got married to your high school sweetheart and had tons of babies. Of course I was the finicky rebel in black lipstick which embarrassed my grandmother because her church friends and distant relatives would mock my appearance and call me a witch.

Turns out being a witch wasn’t such a bad thing. I’ve never condemned anyone to hell or used God as a crutch. The disturbing thing to me is that these people promote themselves as “good,” “Christian,” and “moral” yet they think people can just go to hell. Not for rape or murder but for fucking outside of marriage, immoral music, and little white lies. My age old question is how can you be a good person when you judge everyone and condemn them to hell?

These religious overkills seem full of hatred but it’s worse than that because they are brainwashed. People seek out religion to feel better which then turns into an ego trip and feeling powerful over others. The whole praying for sick babies and the like isn’t just sending good vibes, it’s empathizing delusions. Sick kids recover because... well, they recovered, and medical care obviously.

You can’t pretend there’s a big guy in the sky in control of everything because that’s not fact. Life is random and often cruel, there is no reasoning behind things. The religious then try to excuse God by saying everything happens for a reason but then they’re just excusing human cruelty among other things. People don’t get burned to death in car wrecks for a reason, people don’t get raped for a reason, and people don’t get cancer for a reason.

Everyone is on their high holy horse but by their own logic, they would go to hell for being cruel to non-Christians. Aren’t we supposed to love one another? Shh, don’t tell them that.

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Yu Yu Hakusho, Day 7, Episodes 48-50

The semifinals come to an end! In which we get a meditation on the nature of stardom and Genkai shoots up the list of my favorite characters. This arc is really fucking good, guys.

Stardom Sucks

These last two fights shared a common theme: the villains both wanted to become famous, and they didn’t care what they had to do to get there. Purple hair wanted to be a star, fawned over by adoring ladies. Discount Hisoka wanted to be an artist, revered for centuries to come. They were both drunk on their own perceived self-image, prioritizing their fame and glory over everything else.

It’s only fitting, then, that they should both be taken down by Genkai, a woman who’s never given one thought to how people perceive her. So let’s talk about that.

Genkai the Beast

From the first time I met Genkai back in the first few episodes, she struck me as a very Togashi exploration of amorality, someone who does their own thing how they want with their own moral code, even if it might seem abhorrent to most people. Now, I can see there was a little more to her than that. Genkai isn’t just looking out for herself, she’s actively trying to make a difference. It’s in her own way, of course- she was going to let that demon learn the secret of her spirit wave- but she genuinely wants to do right by the people who can advance her goals. It’s no wonder she’s grown to care so much about Yusuke; he’s taken all of her challenges head on for the sake of carrying on her power. And now that she’s passed it on, fulfilling her greatest desire in life, she’s free to cut loose and lay a holy ass-whooping on the scum of the world’s underbelly.

And holy shit, is it awesome to watch unfold. The reason she’s able to so handily beat her opponents is because she’s everything they aren’t: self-assured, dedicated, and unwilling to put up with the slightest bullshit. She’s easily able to break through their vein facades, revealing them as the arrogant crybabies they truly are. Beneath their posturing, delusions and cheap imitations of Alex Louise Armstrong (seriously, clown boy, against that legendary alchemist, your flexing is an embarrassment), they are nothing. Genkai? She’s something. And she’s not afraid to beat their asses in to prove it.

There’s also some ageism at play, with the young and sprightly fighters believing themselves to be hot stuff against the old, wrinkled, but ultimately more intelligent and honorable Genkai. One of them even imagines how he might have been in love with her if she were just her younger self all the time, an attitude with Genkai dismisses without so much as a scoff. Again, I find myself really impressed with how much respect Togashi allows his female characters, especially considering that old women are almost never given that kind of opportunity. Genkai is given the chance to be the undisputed champion of this round not despite her age, but because of it. Nothing but good vibes all around.

Cat Lady 4: Electric Boogaloo

You know the drill.

-”My goodness, where do you guys get these things to throw at me?”

-”He can twirl that sword as well as any band major I’ve ever seen!”

-”This kind of violence just isn’t fun because it’s happening to me!”

Odds and Ends

-BOTAN WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CAT

-”My head as a trampoline is where I draw the line!” Congrats, purple hair, you’ve unlocked Kuwabara’s rage mode. Hope it was worth it.

-Kuwabara can’t catch a break, can he? Though it’s a little silly how both supposedly “random” teleportations both brought him to the same nearby place.

-Cat Lady can not be paid enough to put up with this shit.

-Man, the audience is not having a good time of it, are they?

-”Yes, silly me, I must have forgotten to turn my hearing aid on.” HOLY SHIT GENKAI YOU SAVAGE

-”Screw this, they don’t pay me enough.” How is the announcer subplot the BEST FREAKING PART OF THIS ARC

-Did that demon really just say “I just had my horns done?” Yes. Yes he did.

-Kuwabara, you absolute ham. He really knows how to work a mic.

-I LOVE THESE GIRLS

-Aw, nice moment between Yusuke and Keiko. I mean, he’s still unconscious, but still.

-Wait, what? Did I just miss that the old guy/Discount Hisoka was the person who gave them the magic weapons?

-”And by the absolute authority of randomly rolled dice” Okay, Fish Lady, you’re cool too.

-Holy shit, it’s Chu’s team again! Looks like they caught the Yurameshi bug, huh?

-”Why is that all anyone thinks a boy and girl can do when they’re alone?” Keiko should produce anime, she could teach the industry a few things.

-”If they don’t think Kuwabara’s cut out for interdimmensional travel they’ve got another thing coming!” Oh, sweetie.

-Seriously, a hammy, slightly gay-coded evil clown who fights with playing cards? Togashi really did spruce up a lot of ideas in this manga for HxH, didn’t he?

-”It seems Beautiful Suzuki, who has a very firm tush” I SWEAR TO GOD FISH LADY

-Genkai’s so cool she earned Shizuru’s respect. That’s how you know you’ve made it.

-Yep, Genkai and Toguro definitely know each other. And I’m kinda scared to find out how.

We’re so close to the end, I can smell it. And as much as it hurts to say goodbye, I get the feeling it’s gonna be pretty spectacular. See you for that... next time!

[harfblarf]

more rick and morty nonsense-- this time, rest and ricklaxation

i havent seen any posts outright pointing this out so: we know that toxic morty contains a lot of morty’s insecurity-- “I don’t want to be on camera I’m ugly”, “my voice is annoying”, so on-- and that he’s scared he’s gonna be in hell, but he also outright states that he "just want[s] to die”. Also that he’s in pain. 

Other things Toxic Morty says:

“I believe you” to Rick, with no hesitation-- Morty’s occasional blind faith in his grandpa is viewed as toxic? Healthy Morty certainly doesn’t just play along with Rick’s ideas

“*screams*”-- panic

“yes rick, i-i agree rick”-- stutter, capitulation, submission, avoiding confrontation

“i think my voice is annoying” in response to rick asking what morty thinks of him discovering electricity-- vaguely self-centered in a depressive way?

“i dont like confrontation”-- yeah no kidding

“i-i dont like this, this is scary” fear, aversion to violence

“i’m a piece of shit but I got the tank” obedient, self-hating

leans on dash much like healthy morty did, looking resigned

“jesus christ it hurts”-- unlike healthy morty makes no effort to reassure others

Toxic Rick :

“you can die when I say so”-- controlling

“why am I bragging about that, I have nothing to prove”-- insecurity

“I’m surrounded by inferior pieces of shit and--” *looks at morty* LOOK IM NOT SAYING HE DOESNT VIEW MORTY AS AN INFERIOR PIECE OF SHIT I’M JUST SAYING THERES AN IMPLICATION THAT IM CHOOSING TO READ INTO. YES HE FINISHED WITH ‘TOXINS’ BUT COME ON that pause tho

hey where did toxic rick get fucking glass test tubes

*destructive tendencies*

“I’m gonna rip your throat--”-- violent boi

“you little sociopath/okay shut up morty”-- considers healthy morty a sociopath, doesn’t want to listen to morty talking about people hating him (did not shut him up previously, only now)

“don’t negotiate with that little turd, you’re the rick, you need to show dominance!” insecurity, desire for control at any cost

angry when his plan goes downhill, angry about remerging

“I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did” considers his sexuality a toxic thing, bound to his anger and irrational attachments?

“fuck you summer” no respect, no apology

“alright fuck this time for plan b”, but leaves beth alone

fucking throws healthy morty out of the ship. not his morty, not his problem, i guess?

brags at a very uncomfortable toxic morty

“trapped in your brain... with delusions”

“relax, quit your bitching, you’re gonna be fine... grandpa’s here”-- that same arrogance that makes him call himself a god, is what assures him that he can help toxic morty

“just do it you piece of shit!” angry but resigned to the only solution he can see (small picture)

Healthy Morty:

“mind if i put on some music?”-- considerate, nonpresumptive

the whole “one song a day” thing-- optimistic, planning, looking to the future

“if anyone could [calculate happiness], Rick”-- deep respect for Rick, respect for intelligence, flattery

“thanks rick. I love you”-- affection for his grandpa, appreciation

“if we’re all bored, wouldn’t the common denominator be you?” this is a clever joke, but it’s mean. cleverness/humor is prized above consideration and kindness

“I knew you could” and the rest of this montage-- uh so Healthy Morty provides the confidence Normal Morty is missing to a bunch of people. if that’s not symbolism idk what is; plainly Morty considers supporting and helping people Healthy

“*doesnt react to being called a loser, not even to deny it*” I wonder if this is like, self-acceptance

suave but still in an awkward way? like he drops a pickup line on jessica with an awkward forced laugh

“happy to help rick”-- but no surprise, no real emotion. like it’s forced

“bad phone, chuck it”-- acceptance of simple answers

“if something’s worth saying, it’s worth eye contact”-- considers reliance on technology unhealthy? interesting especially considering his interactions with Rick and all his tech

“you shouldn’t have to deal with that, man”-- curiously, despite making it his job to stop other people from being in pain (helping all his schoolmates), he advises against helping the Toxins

“I think i know what to do. *snaps phone in half*” destruction of property, choosing simple solutions

“things are good... taking that away from me? that wouldn’t be healthy.” manipulation, selfishness, self-preservation

“world’s greatest grandpa, for reals” more manipulation

awkward chattering, spouting shallow wisdom

“pronounce it however you want, words are just things” lack of judgement

“please, thank you, we’re having a conversation”-- shoos away the waiter to make jessica less awkward, being rude to the waiter in the process. singleminded, simplistic solutions

extended metaphor of jessica to a planet, including some like very specific shit, “what’s the equator, what are the holidays”

“talk to me.” demanding, assertive

really... loud? and aggressive, and awkward and emotive; very little self-control

lacking attachments, passions, “life is a highway”, “no sparks no damage”

...really long metaphors with stacey too. u ok morty?

“bad parts of us, which includes our dishonesty” (emphasis mine); morty has no question that deceit is bad. of course, that’s what a manipulative little shit who believes in lying “for good reason” would say, too, so.

stacey will “do anything for you morty”? weird, probably more evidence of his manipulation. quickly earned her devotion

“kill him rick!” morty considers his violence and willingness to retaliate “healthy”

bites toxic morty-- willing to use unfair/dirty fighting techniques just like toxic rick did

also grinning while he attacks him

casually stops and leans on the dash, blank-faced, when beth appears. again, no passion, no emotion at all

also healthy morty was in the driver’s seat and only settled once he was in control

“we gotta stop him”

the one to explain why Healthy Rick shot Toxic Morty again

“you’re a better man than me Rick, I’m healthy enough to admit that”-- healthy morty to regular rick. what does it say that both toxic and healthy morty view rick as superior? man, that’s kinda fucked, even if healthy morty’s actions here are totes dickish

“have I ever lied to you? that’s right, and ask around, I never do” manipulaaaaaation

uses jessica as yet another extended metaphor

draws attention, revels in it, offers falsely specialized attention to people to earn and keep their affection (the wink, the friendliness with “dwayne”)

“red pill or blue pill”

“totally understand dwayne, you’re the boss”, then cuts to... jargon that makes his coworkers happy. i strongly suspect at least part of a lie here, or an omission of truth

the boy is really obsessed with organic carrots, who knows why

“is that how long it takes for rick to trace my location” but he’s smiling, not scowling, he’s... at best amused, at worst unbothered, i guess?

“you miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love ‘em back” holy shit morty

“you didn’t hang up”--”huh. how ‘bout that.” then to surprise into mild consternation when the fucking voltron drones show up

“do what you gotta do”-- despite not wanting it, recognizes the inevitability of rick getting him to remerge

apparently healthy morty told his girlfriend that he was “capitalizing on his lack of conscience by becoming a stockbroker”. interesting

Healthy Rick:

“heheh, this universe”-- considers the universe impressive/beautiful/awe-inspiring (compare to ‘the universe is a crazy chaotic place’)

“that is an interesting concept... listen to me, trying to calculate happiness over here”-- respectful of others’ ideas, still brilliant and trying to improve on them, recognizing that math/science isn’t the solution to everything

“here’s something no science could measure: i’m real proud to be your grandpa, morty”-- pride in his grandson, acknowledging the limits of science

“morty, a moment of your time?”-- so polite hot damn

“what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities-- their own will to live?”-- inherent respect for the value of life

“i’m accountable to my toxins”-- considers responsibility and facing it healthy

“locked ‘em in a cage *hits it while smiling as toxic rick swears*” my guy what the fuck; theoretical emotion, no actual immediate empathy

upset, sad about toxic rick’s deception

“sorry summer” considerate, apologetic

“summer get out of here, go”

“we can resolve our issues, we don’t need to resort to over-the-top--”

“just leave her out of this”

“it’s okay girls, i’m so sorry” takes the time to be reassuring and apologetic when danger is still afoot for the world, offers to cook??

“not our right to stop them”

“your morty”/”i know you give a shit dummy, because I know I don’t”-- i think this is again about “not my morty not my problem”, and that Healthy Rick doesn’t care about Toxic Morty

“merge with me and you’ll know how to save him”... except once they merge there is no saving him, is there? just preservation to merge him with Healthy Morty

“I had all my problems removed-- my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments” -- things healthy rick considers unhealthy are identified, but he’s still doing this in part because healthy morty insisted it was the right choice, and he’s still proud to be morty’s grandpa

“you’re literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture” so large-scale thinking is considered healthy?

“if i ever gave you the wheel, we’d be dead in five minutes” and isn’t that true, because toxic rick is willing to sacrifice himself for morty, and is too arrogant to think anyone is a threat to him? he would get morty AND himself killed if toxic rick was always in charge. no, letting toxic rick guide him is inevitable, but being controlled by him is unacceptable

Regular Rick: 

“man i really overthink shit when I’m angry”

“now it’s time we re-merge your little ass” interestingly his priorities were a) fix planet (what morty asked him to do), b) remerge morty (save toxic morty)

“that kid is a real piece of shit” (about healthy morty only)

“part of me really wanted to [save you], toxic morty. part of me really wanted to.” 

“tiny american psycho”

“kept asking ‘did you get a new morty yet?’“/”because you kept drunk-dialing me and crying about it!”/”I WASN’T CRYING” /in the background “I didn’t care” (what a liar)

Conclusion: as funny as most of this episode is, it strikes me that what Rick considers unhealthy, Morty considers healthy. Healthy Morty is violent, lacking a conscience, manipulative, domineering, sexual, and lacking in passion and attachments (he does, after all, abandon his family, not just Rick, for three weeks). Yes, he’s also less of a coward, not suicidal, and helpful, but compare to Healthy Rick. Healthy Rick is similarly lacking in passion and attachments, but he’s nonviolent, honest, less arrogant and less willing to impose his will on the world, nonsexual, and calm. Everything Healthy Rick isn’t, Healthy Morty is. It’s a fascinating insight into how Rick’s lies and denial are fucking up Morty’s perception of what is “healthy” and what isn’t. He has come to view violence, foul play, manipulation, lack of emotion/conscience, and dominance as valuable skills, even necessities, instead of the shameful attributes Rick views them as.

[ohh-kaye]

a realisation???

A preface: It is October 13, 2019. I’m putting it here because I don’t know if I’m posting this the day I write it or some other day because I think my brother knows my tumblr and I don’t particularly want anyone, let alone my family, reading this. So, I’m re-branding maybe? God I’m pathetic.

.

.

.

I finished a hospitality course yesterday.

 I am sad.

 It’s also so confusing to explain why.

 I don’t even want to write this post down because i feel like i’m going to slap myself in the face in the future when i read this because i sound so stupid.

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 But i want to write this down (on the internet where people can read my private thoughts) because i will go crazy if i keep thinking about this and if i don’t put it into words, it’ll consume me for a long time and it’s not good so let’s just fucking put it out there.

 What is this that i’m feeling.

 It’s so fucking stupid.

 It was only 3 weeks that I’ve known this person and holy shit i want to keep talking to them. what.

 I don’t know.

 I don’t know.

 I do not know what’s going on with my head.

 The course is over and i don’t know how to contact this person and I sort of told them that I don’t have social media because I don’t like talking to people and fuck fuckfuck I’m thinking that he took that as a red flag or something and that I wouldn’t like talking to them but I do because you’re cute and I really like you

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 I sound so stupid because it’s like I’m building this fucking fantasy in my head that this dude likes me or something and it’s so stupid because I’m stupid for thinking this. Right???

 I don’t know.

 I’m so confused right now.

 I’m never gonna see this person again so it’s obviously over, whatever this fake reality I’ve imagined, but there’s this tiny tiny tiny little voice in my head that’s like “It’s fate. You’ll see each other again”. Bitch no.

 This dude obviously didn’t like you because he said (as you were eavesdropping to his conversation with other people by the way you freaking creep) that if he likes someone, he says it to them directly and they let the person do whatever they want with that information. He didn’t say anything on the last day so he obviously doesn’t like you so you need to stop whatever it is you’re feeling right now because it’s over.

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 When he started talking about dnd, I thought “shit this dude’s a nerd wtf” and then I realised that I like nerds which explains my weird attractions to my teachers because I think they’re so passionate and intelligent and this guy who I will refer to as “Complex”, is exactly those 2 qualities that I like.

 Side note: clues on “Complex”’s name: (1) this is related to the sinus rhythm, (2) those are his initials, (3) he is named after a director and a DC character

 I had a full interaction with complex when we made coffee at the end of week 1 and he was bursting with confidence and I don’t know why I liked listening to him talking about anything and everything but I just did and I usually don’t like people so it was very strange that I didn’t fully shut down as I was there.

 I knew by the second week that complex is a cute human person.

 When I got my job offer it was him and another person that I told first and he said he was proud of me and I was confused because bud you don’t know me so why are you saying that but also ohmygod he just talked to me.

 Ffs I’m a grown-ass woman and I’m swooning over any person who talks to me ahahahaha

 We talked about joker and I told him to watch it (he would’ve watched it anyways)

 By week 3 I was so looking forward to going to this hospitality course just because he was there.

 How fucking pathetic is that?! What is wrong with you get yourself together lady.

 We get it you like him but come on wtf are you doing

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 I was going to the venue 20 minutes early just because I knew he was also there early and even though I’d sit in silence for the majority of it because I was being fucking coy than to engage in conversation, I was fine with it because if we did talk, there was more time.

 Wat

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 Then we started talking about dnd and I know jackshit about dnd but he seemed so interested that I was also interested and he asked “are you interested in playing dnd?” and I freaked out and because I’m delusional, I thought he would ask me to be a part of his campaign and I didn’t want to because I didn’t like leaving my house and hanging out with other people would involve leaving my house so I said out of habit when people wonder if I want to hang out is “no not really” but in my head I was like “I wanna hang out with you goddammit but my social anxiety seems to take precedent. Nooooo”

 Then he introduced me to masks: storm force and he said “I’ll send it to you” and my fucking heart was racing for god knows what reason because I didn’t have social media for him to send anything to and I don’t know if I wanted him to know how to contact me because I’m actually terrified of people so I kept dodging it when he would say “I’ll send it to you” and I would just say “yeah I’ll look for it”.

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 And by the end of that day, as I was walking out, he was waiting outside and I was saying goodbye and he said “if you want to watch masks, it’s called storm force” and I was acting casual like I was gonna watch it but not really but I am going to watch it because I want us to talk tomorrow.

 So I dedicated 2 hours of my night for it just so we had a topic of conversation and so he thought I was cool or something I don’t fucking know.

 The next day, he seemed so impressed that I watched it and in all honesty storm force is actually cool and I’m going to keep watching it even though we will never see each other again.

 I even made a new friend, Nancy (his name is actually Charlie but he became a meme so he became Nancy after week 1) and the three of us talked about masks.

 During lunch, we made the character Kevin, an elf wizard bard who controlled the sun and hated vegetables and went sailing from time to time and is also CHAOTIC EVIL, for his campaign because he needed a new character.

 That was really fun that day.

 After that, conversations came a lot easier and holy shit I just wanted to keep talking to him.

 Wtf

 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 And then on RSA day, there was a pair activity and because our little group had 4 members and I knew the other 2 girls already paired up so it was obvious that it would be me complex paired up but I didn’t really want to broach the subject by pairing with me in case he didn’t want to pair up with me so I pretended to do my work until he brought it up and then brought it up.

 I even fucking pretended that I didn’t hear him the first time.

 It went:

 C: kaye, do you want to pair up?

K: hmm?

C: do you want to pair up and go next?

K: yeah sure (I was fucking screaming internally)

 And we did the activity and we were laughing at the role play that we were instructed to do (we had to act drunk) and I was ecstatic that I was making him laugh and he was so fucking adorable when it was his turn. Kevin became an inside joke too.

 Mah hart mah sole

 The last day came and I was so sad because I was never gonna see him again and I really wanted to keep talking to him in the future.

 But then I remembered that the day before, I had said that I deleted facebook and he looked confused and asked if I deleted messenger as well and I said yes and he enumerated all forms of social media and I had no social media and what followed actually broke me because he said “So if I wanted to contact you, I have to contact you on your physical phone number” to which I replied “yes but then again, I would also not reply or I’d think about replying and won’t” and he laughed and I said “maybe you could send it on a bird” and he followed up with “so you really don’t like talking to people?” and I said “yes” and I DON’T WHY THAT FUCKING CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH BECAUSE (THIS IS MY DELUSION TALKING) WHAT IF THAT SHUT THE DOOR FOR HIM AND INDICATED THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 Stupidstupidstupid

 Wtf is wrong with me

 Then I brought chocolates on the last day.

 Complex, Nancy and I talked some more because we had developed a friendship on the last day (of all fucking days *eye roll*)

 And we didn’t end up in a group together so I didn’t even get to be around him for a whole day.

 I sound so weird right now

 I sat alone during break and he came over to my table and I don’t even remember what we talked about.

 We went and arranged the chocolates that I brought and arranged them numerically and alphabetically and my hand brushed over his hand and I fucking died for a second.

 And during lunch break, we went to look for Nancy and we went outside but I didn’t really want to be outside so I went back in and waited for Nancy.

 Side note: I almost slipped and was about to say “Complex is so pretty”. Fuck that would’ve been disastrous.

 So, Nancy and I were looking at memes about dark souls and he came in and I think he was about to sit with us but I’m actually a bitch but I thought I was engaging in banter and I went “did you just interrupt me and nancy’s conversation?” and then I don’t know because he sat far away and was on his phone and I felt so bad and I wanted him to join in because it’s the LAST DAY AND EXCUSE ME I REALLY LIKE YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE HERE and after looking at memes, I invited him to the table because I felt bad and wanted him to be around and everything was fine (I think… I hope) and our table finally filled up with the rest of our “people who it at the front” group and we had a really good conversation and I guessed complex’s middle name!

 It really sucked when lunch break came to an end because I knew there was a finite amount of time left but at least I was making coffee next and he happened to be making coffee as well and we were the pair to go up and everything was fine and everything was cool and I was also sad.

 I didn’t fuck up making coffee that time though.

 And I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day because we went back to our groups to finish our assessments.

 At the end of the day, when we were cleaning up, there was one chocolate left and he offered it to me but I gave it to him because I didn’t want to eat the chocolate that I bought for everyone.

 And he has the most amazing smile and laugh that I’ve seen on a human person.

 I really hate myself right now.

 Before the class was dismissed, we had to answer a survey and I was writing really slowly just so I could finish with him and we could walk out together (because I’m a such a loser and a creep) and I could say goodbye but I wasn’t very observant and didn’t see that he had left already and was outside.

 So instead of saying goodbye, I chickened out and walked right past him and pretended I didn’t see him and went home.

 All I was thinking is “just walk away before you do something really stupid and embarrassing”.

 And I hate myself so much for this.

 *sigh*

 But you know what I am most certain of now?

 That I am definitely not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

 I’ve always told myself this and only after this have I been truly sure.

 I read somewhere that if you meet the right person the question of “being ready” doesn’t even come up because you will pursue it if you’re really ready.

 I personally don’t feel accomplished enough in my life for me have pride in anything. I’m unemployed, don’t have a car and I live with my parents and I most importantly, I suck as a person. Maybe I should prioritise myself first? It’s like “readiness” for me is like “being content with myself as a whole”. And I’m not there yet.

 And also, throughout this whole fantasy that I’ve built up in head, I realised that I am not capable of going through this.

 If Complex had asked for my number, I would’ve said no anyway (even though I would really want to say yes) because I know myself and I wouldn’t follow through seeing this person outside of this little Hospitality bubble that we were in because I’m broken.

isn’t is disgusting that i’m assuming that he would ask for my number but i’m sure that he’s not interested this whole time and i’m making a complete fool of myself by writing about this whole experience

 I’ve been meaning to make a post regarding this topic for a while now but I’ve never had a trigger for it because of the lack of motivation and inspiration but I think now’s a perfect time to put it all into words.

 Hi, I’m Kaye and I hate myself.

 I’ve always judged people for saying “You need to love yourself before you love someone else” but I’ve always known this to be true.

 As much as it sucks that I’ve been perpetually single for my 22 years of existence and very much *rejected by the many crushes I’ve had during my hormonal adolescent years, I know that I’d rather be alone and happy than be in a relationship with someone and unhappy.

 *and by rejected, I mean that I knew who their crushes were and I was not it hahahaha

 Maybe it all stemmed from those “rejections”. A few of the many crushes I had during my growing years had one common factor, they liked the same person. I’ll give you this, this girl that they like was actually perfect. She was my friend at one point. She was nice (and not in a fake way, she was purest and kind-hearted and good-natured person you would encounter), she was beautiful (with or without makeup) and she was smart (she graduated salutatorian in grade school and first honourable mention during high school). To sum it up, this little lady was the whole package so I’m not even angry at her. I’m jealous but *genuinely* props to her because she knew people liked her but she was so humble about it and it didn’t feed her ego because she had her shit together and didn’t need validation from boys to fulfil her life. How cool is that?

 But, because all of them liked her, I felt like shit because I wanted to be her so bad. How do I be nice, beautiful and smart? I am neither of those three qualities and wow what is it like to be those? Maybe it was this realisation at a young and impressionable age that I am probably not meant for love. Add to that all the movies I’ve watched that placed such importance on conventional beauty that I believed that I was destined to be single forever because I’m ugly.

 I still think this today even though I don’t want to.

 This insecurity has evolved into a monster of overlapping mental issues that I’ve become incapable of, what you would think should be an innate quality, called “self-love”.

 I don’t think it would be fair for the other person to love me so much that it somehow compensates for the lack of love that I’m giving to myself. It’s selfish and unfair. Eventually, that person will resent me for it and because in my current state now, I don’t like it when people get attached to me (because of my abandonment issues), I will accuse them of being clingy and suffocating and we’ll break up and I don’t want to have to hate myself and deal with someone else hating me too. That’ll mess me up bad. I want to be a whole person and not this broken and insecure mess that I am. I don’t know how to love myself so I can’t expect myself to give that to someone else because what even is that? I’ve spent a good chunk of my life thinking that I don’t deserve happiness that I’ve believed it.

 So, I think it will be years of single-hood that I have to endure until I learn to better take care of myself and my emotions.

 I hope I fix myself soon.

 Because I want to know what it’s like to have and be someone’s “person”.

 Wouldn’t it be nice?

  Acknowledgement: Thank you to Complex for cascading this inner discussion and introducing me to Storm Force. I hope you find success in Game Design and please don’t kill Kevin. Maybe I’ll see you at Supanova or randomly on the street or never again but nevertheless, thank you. I feel better. We are moving forward.