#holy shit my brain is absolutely fried im sorry this is so badly written

[telehxhtrash]

Hey, what are your thoughts on that scene right before the invasion, that Shoot looks to Killua and thinks "(...) but then, why is it that once in a while he seems so sad?" (It's vol. 24, p. 205 and 206) Is it because Killua is worried about how Gon will react in his confrotation with Pitou? Or is he feeling helpless because he kinda "failed" in his previous mission? Or because Gon keeps talking about Palm (lol)?

MAN TY FOR THIS ASK BC I DO HAVE THOUGHTS ON THIS !!! 

ok im killugon trash so my pov on this may not be the most objective BUT

let’s think about this. Up until that observation, what happened to Killua during the arc? 

What we saw was Killua constantly putting himself in danger to earn the right to be next to Gon. He felt like he wasn’t enough and was looking for ways to feel worthy of staying by Gon’s side (”is it okay if i stay by your side?”). During this arc, he constantly pushed past his limit in order to protect Gon, or in order to stay by his side.

But paralleled with Killua’s despair and need to stay with Gon forever was Gon pushing him away. First time this happens is with the introduction to Palm, and her trying to “date” Gon, which results in Killua’s feelings of insecurity growing. What if Gon ends up dating her and leaving Killua behind ? One day, Gon would eventually leave him to date someone, right ? So this only fueled Killua’s insecurities and despair to stay by Gon’s side.

But then, Gon pushes him completely out, by refusing to let Killua in on his fight against Pitou (”i’m taking on that one myself”), which further reinforces this idea that Killua is “losing” Gon.

While Killua was desperately trying to get closer to Gon and earn the right to stay by his side, Gon was sadly too focused on revenge and pushed him away, both physically and emotionally.

Killua felt shut out, felt like Gon was putting some distance between the both of them, and with Killua having this sudden surge of new feelings, it just.... destroyed him to see the person he loves the most drift further and further away from him.

Now, what happened right before Shoot makes this observation ? Literally the line that precedes this is :

Gon seems worried about Palm. And we know Killua is jealous of Palm, and has such a terrible, terrible self-esteem that he thinks Gon cares more about her than him.

This idea that Killua feels like Palm is more important to Gon than him is highlighted during their confrontation. Killua emphasizes that “only Palm” can save Gon at this point. Because he feels like she’s more important to him.

Killua really, really believes Gon replaced him with Palm. 

So now, when you put everything together, it makes sense why Killua looks so sad. He’s been struggling with his place next to Gon, feeling so much sudden love for him but struggling to feel worthy of staying by him, and at the same time feeling like his place alongside Gon is threatened by this new romantic rival, who Gon seems to care a lot about.

After having been pushed away both physically and emotionally, and because of his self-loathing, Killua feels like he’s going to lose Gon. Like Gon is putting some distance between them. 

So Gon constantly asking about Palm before the invasion is NOT helping. Because Killua feels like Gon is replacing him with Palm (really tells you a lot about how he sees himself towards Gon - at the same level of a romantic partner. fellas is it gay?)

that’s why in my opinion Shoot makes this observation that Killua looks so sad. Because everything is piling up inside of him and threatening to burst, and it SHOWS.

His love for Gon, his self-loathing, his need to stay by his side forever, the fear of losing him to someone else, the fear of Gon leaving him.

Like you said, I really unironically believe that Gon talking about Palm constantly before the invasion did not help Killua’s insecurities at all and only led him to feel even more sad, because he felt like Gon was replacing him with her. 

So I truly, truly believe that Gon worrying about Palm was one of the major reasons Killua broke down and looked so sad. Because he was jealous of her having Gon’s attention, while he was getting pushed away by the one he loves the most.

Kind of unrelated but kind of not also : I think the whole Gon talking about Palm a lot before the invasion is also what led Killua to have a breakdown over the words “let’s go”. Killua felt bad the entire arc and felt scared about losing Gon. He also felt like Gon cared a lot about Palm and felt extreme sadness because at the same time he opened up to someone new, he began to reject Killua.

all these feelings escalated and accumulated until he just couldn’t contain it anymore. the “let’s go” thing was the last straw that almost pushed him over the edge. he was so scared the entire arc about losing Gon, and he was desperate to know how much Gon cared for him that he almost couldn’t contain himself to ask Gon what he’d been aching to ask for weeks.

That “how do you see me ?” question.

It’s terrible timing. Really, they’re in the middle of a death mission, why is Killua having an existential crisis right now ?

Because he had been desperate the entire arc to earn the right to stay by Gon. Because he loves Gon so, so much and the only thing he wants is to stay by his side forever. Because he saw someone, Palm, a romantic rival, try to take Gon away from him. Because Gon pushed him away. Because Gon kept on talking about Palm, his “love interest”.

That “let’s go” was the last straw. Everything was piling up, and this was once again Gon being distant towards him, which led him to completely lose it and question his entire worth.

Killua looking sad before the Palace Invasion and having a breakdown over the words “let’s go” are definitely related to Gon talking about Palm a few moments before. Because to Killua, Palm is more important to Gon than he is. And because he’s been experiencing such intense, new feelings for him, he couldn’t help but feel jealous and this further fueled his self-loathing, self-deprecation and desperate need for Gon’s validation.

All of these feelings were threatening to burst out of him, as Shoot highlighted, and it ALMOST did as Gon told him to follow him. Because he was desperate for Gon to show him and tell him he still cared about him. 

Gon pushing him away, being distant, and constantly talking about someone else hurt Killua pretty badly.

Because up until this moment, everything led him to believe that Gon was pushing him away and had replaced him. And he desperately needed Gon to tell him how he felt about him.

In short, Shoot pointing out that Killua looked very sad was him highlighting his chaotic gay existential crisis.

man idk if that was clear or not it was really messy but my brain is mush HAHAHA but ty for this ask !!