#holy shit i wrote you brief incoherent essays

[ladyproserpinas]

2, 11, 17!

shows up two weeks late with wine.

2) talk about three of the most important ships throughout your life

river/doctor (doctor who): it’s literally the time traveler’s wife but in space … and the wife is also a time traveler. like literally the episode they first meet she dies, but she comes back because time travel. and they kind of keep circling each other and keep meeting out of order, it’s literally a fourth-wall break joke that you need a flow chart to keep up with how they know each other. it’s so angsty because on one side literally the day he meets her she dies, which y’know super makes you want to have a relationship with someone, and on the other side she knows she’ll get to a day where he won’t recognize her in some way. and god the flirting, i miss the flirting, they had some of the best flirting any of my ships have ever had. they were so unnecessarily affectionate and flirty with each other even in the early days on both of their ends. and now it’s supposedly officially over and has been since christmas 2015 and i’m so mad because there just wasn’t enough of them and sad because i’m probably never gonna have river back on my screen again and she is quite literally probably my favorite character of all time. literally my love for her/them is so bad that i saw .02 seconds of matt smith in the morbius trailer and i just went feral and spent $90 on a whole bunch of doctor who

hades/persephone: so like… beauty and the beast is my favorite favorite fairy tale and like if a relationship ends up in any way under this trope you bet your ass i attach myself to it and don’t let go. and hades/persephone do so much mainly because of the negative connotations of hades being lord of the dead, which we all know is wrong because he’s more the god of wealth and plenty than of the dead but y’know. but it does have so many of the same beats as beauty and the beast. a young and beautiful goddess goes to live with the scary lord of the dead, and she’s held prisoner as most retellings say, and then she eats three-six pomegranate seeds (again depending on the retelling), a tree sacred to the goddess of marriage and becomes bound to hades, and she stays. the fact that it’s widely accepted that hades was a faithful husband when both of his brothers are the first fuckboys of the world is also amazing. persephone additionally being considered equal to hades in her role as queen of the underworld, whereas hera and amphitrite are pushed aside in their roles as queens. there’s also the fact that their story is one of life and death, persephone leaves and the world blooms while the underworld grows cold, persephone comes home and the earth dies while she’s in her home. 

philinda: so like i actually don’t have many marvel otps in the mcu at all. but when i watched agents of shield what drew me in was their dynamic. they were mom and dad of the team and watching them be in love but not admit it for like five seasons was so great. and i will probably never ever forgive the writers for taking it away like right after it happened. like what was even the point? i don’t know, but thanks for the bone marvel. it lasted literally an ep.

i literally just realized that all of the ships i talked about are out of sync in one way or another and i’m like …. yeah my type are middle aged couples who have communication issues but would literally die for the other.

11) talk about your favorite first kiss

i have literally just now forgotten all of my otps first kiss…. technically river/doctor have two first kisses ….. and philinda’s actually was like really good….. ummm harry/ginny’s actual first kiss in the book is Iconic tbh. ummmmmmmmmmmmm 

y’know let’s talk about hanleia’s actually. because han and leia’s first kiss is still *chefs kiss* 

i loved it so much when i was a kid (and now i’ve realized that hanleia has been my otp longer than i’ve even known what shipping was and i’ve loved them since i was like 3-4 lmao so that’s actually my first otp whoooops) but now that i’m older and i understand the tension and frustration between them it is just so much better. because leia and han play with each other. no leia’s not concerned or angry that han is leaving at all even though she’s the one who chases after him when he’s just about to leave. no han doesn’t get all sappy eyed whenever leia enters the room… except he does.

so when they finally have that moment in the falcon where he’s not trying to impress her (he still acts like his wannabe smooth self tho) and she’s not trying to be in control. it is just. so. nice. like honestly i don’t think anything will ever and then jj had to try to cheapen it by making their son a fuckhead and no i will never not be mad about that THEY HAD TWO GOOD CHILDREN IN THE BOOKS DAMMIT

17) talk about a pairing you’ve stopped shipping romantically

this one was really hard because i’m normally like someone who doesn’t let go of ships????

and i literally just can’t think of one??? at all??? i guess like i’m gonna go with olic*ty because yeah i liked them like at times but the fandom really turned me off to them with how they treated …. basically every other female character who even breathed in oliver’s direction. acually olic*ty isn’t a good example because i always had my issues with them. but i did ship felicity with barry allen and they were cute af but i’ve moved on from that. so yeah felicity/barry. 

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It

Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff . i> It is, ostensibly, a tale. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings . A Kirkus reviewer likened him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie testified it a notebook that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would adore, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of likenes are incapable of contradicting because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey , i> I am confident in affirming it the literary equivalent of renal failure. Amazon div > To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s countless wrongdoings against the English usage( he truly likes alliteration ): Evading the viscount fad of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas . i> Criminal dab and according personality crusts, bound together by dough . i> This goat-backed lioness began to howl like a bruxism bedevilled banshee . i> 1 The( Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense Perhaps the only situation you need to know about Penn’s book is that the summary firstly period, about three elderly people coming murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s inspected up every single oath in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He exploits pointless expressions, then renders 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary calls, because he assumes that his books aren’t at his stage of intellect. In a direction, he isn’t wrong. Here’s a ordinary sentence, in such a case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare . i> Penn is of the view that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes romances like they’re a high school essay he’s hopeles to pad. Read Next Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN So, about those murdered old-time parties. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious on certain aspects of modern American life. Bob cultivated in waste management, and while selling his assistances in Iraq during the course of its American residence, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual rationalization, because Penn has taken the artistic approaching of not making his hero any personality or idiosyncrasies. Penn then boldly parodys the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes murderous, and sacred shit you guys, some people may have profited from that acts of violence. It’s an interesting see if these are the first words you’ve spoke since 2003. div > Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to essay the Iraq War, right? ” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace, ” then specifies a footnote that clarifies he represents “the Pentagon.” From there, we learn that the American administration looks threatened by age-old people who don’t buy fairly branded commodities. The only real plot pitch is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a assortment of conservative groundworks are working together on these old-fashioned people assassinations because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment permits businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s questions manager on, Sean Penn. After agreeing to help the government kill old-fashioned beings for no good reason, Bob’s drifts of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the marvelous realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad more . i> So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while extricating his 20 -something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent indignant tweets about America, then pulled them out to novel segment with shit like this TAGEND div > Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with unauthorized soupcon. Bob checks this. Detects fucked by his own face . i> 2 Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is The idea that the government is killing age-old parties doesn’t have a quality; it’s only there, because it’s something bad parties would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole bible is full-of-the-moon of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their breathtaking intricacy and reached judgments like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about ! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you ? What if legislators … sometimes lie ? And engineering … could it have … downsides ? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials TAGEND div > Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob find from feline millennials the disseminations of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one “ve spoken to�� anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human pas … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional copulation, it seemed of them that they recognise scarcely between an active orgasm and an acted one . i> Wow, sick smolder. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two clauses on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is good to long stretches during which good-for-nothing happens and no quality is met. It’s as if Penn thought that hurled verse is the fruit of getting one’s penis hurled in a car door. He likens people who buy substance( nothing in particular, exactly substance) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t going it, certifies: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about sell, Sean? “Branding is being! Labelling is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without boasting about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant TAGEND div > Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree! ” Ouch exits the human mind. Out reaches the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind subject to Newtown, spews bile aplenty, to bitch us all down . i> So numerous statements haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was labor. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord, ” before swearing “Sir, I request you to struggle. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and inadvertently referred tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because … 3 Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs Bob Honey isn’t some splendid subversion of republican Americans. It’s a jog polemical for how Penn watches America, mixed with the incisive equivalent of chewing a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super huge that the only Mexican references are drug dealer who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass hems and use jolt guns. div > Nothing answers profound commentary of modern America like “What if a knot of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful turn? ” The Guinean leader speaks events like “Caught me a client of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva, ” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that proficiency was a mistake. There’s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and only being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that argument when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I rationalize in advance to like eight different groups of beings for exposing you to this TAGEND “You trying to kill me because I don’t actually believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity? ” Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and ethnic issues without descent innuendoes like you got a bulk slew on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part. 4 Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Publishes With Women Penn has a long autobiography of alleged domestic ill-treatment ,~ ATAGEND and while I’m not said today he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose supernatural still whorishly specters his bed.” In including references to a pitch-black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her elegance and the enticement of her shaved and shapely cinnamon puts standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the valour to destroy America by expending makeup: “Had she sold the mythology of her quietnes for cosmetic self-awareness? Going older in America is tough on a woman; discovering what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.” Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose attributes include being great at making cock from Bob and actually liking Bob. She has no personality , no passions , no rulings. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never riled himself to those used distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a tone, she signs it: “My love and vagina( on your squad ). “ div > Other female courages include a bad young baby, a volunteer who gets suck on the number of jobs, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac, ” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who nearly shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while precipitating overboard and get gobbled by “fifty frenzied sharks( adios, amiga ), ” in one of several instances of Penn exploiting cases of violence against women for the purpose of humor. I study I’ve detected Penn’s fetish, and it’s wives getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t previously turned off, allow me to perpetually devastate gender for you with Penn at his most erotic TAGEND What a magical vagina, Bob foresaw, after inquiring it for hours . i> “Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” ( Greenback: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair .) Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup . i> Now here’s a merriment excerpt from the, ugh , five-and-a-half-page rhyme that culminates the novel TAGEND Where did all the chuckles go ? i> Are you out there, Louis C.K .? i> Once critical conversations Kept us on our toes ; i> Was it actually in our interest div > To stomp Charlie Rose ? i> And what’s with this ‘Me Too’ ? i> This infantizing period of the day … i> Is this a toddler’s crusade ? i> Reducing crime, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s comedy ? i> A pulpit for accusation immunity ? i> Due process has lost its sheen ? i> Again, there’s no irony here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a story that he clearly made less time to write than most people devote crafting SpongeBob memes, and expended a half-second deliberation, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76 -year-old millionaire was shot for frequently molesting dames? ” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical collision and feed. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I feel, is because … 5 Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart The New York Times called Penn’s book “a problem wrapped in an mystery and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something smart to be collected from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and comments Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most ruffling Facebook acquaintances, he thinks that knowing their lists of smart beings stimulates him smart by proxy. div > This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly alone because it entitles Donald Trump fat. The particularly reality that it was published at all is the eventual lesson of pointing on a arc. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the adventurous political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who thumped it was better called it happens like “brave” or a misfired account. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn recognizes this record as some kind of daring statement against branding is the high levels of hypocrisy and arrogance. This work is on shelves merely because Sean Penn is a “brand.” I realise the absurdity now, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t really a commentary; it’s a notice. Don’t buy this volume because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this notebook out of melancholy curiosity. Taunting documents sent by serial gunmen have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only beneficial thought we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking babe. If I still haven’t persuaded you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman TAGEND “As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find abides. Get it? Sikh! Get it ??? ” I know you’ll do the right thing. Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s . Guess we’d be remiss not to relate “youve got to” where you could purchase the book, so here it is if “youve been” demand it . b > i> Support Cracked’s journalism with a tour to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you . b > i> For more comical personality literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Hear About Donald Trump Reading His Books . b > i> You certainly should be following us on Facebook . b > i> Read more: http :// www.cracked.com/ blog/ sean-penn-wrote-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it / http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/06/08/sean-penn-wrote-the-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it/

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Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It

Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. It is, ostensibly, a novel. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings. A Kirkus reviewer equated him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie declared it a book that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would love, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of comparison are incapable of disagreeing because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey, I am confident in declaring it the literary equivalent of renal failure.

Amazon

To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s many atrocities against the English language (he really likes alliteration):

Evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas.

Criminal crumbs and corresponding celebrity crusts, bound together by dough.

This goat-backed lioness began to hoot like a bruxism bedevilled banshee.

1

The (Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense

Perhaps the only thing you need to know about Penn’s book is that the brief first chapter, about three elderly people getting murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s looked up every single word in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He uses unnecessary terms, then provides 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary terms, because he assumes that his readers aren’t at his level of intelligence. In a way, he isn’t wrong.

Here’s a typical sentence, in this case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare. Penn thinks that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes novels like they’re a high school essay he’s desperate to pad.

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Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN

So, about those murdered old people. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious of some aspects of modern American life. Bob worked in waste management, and while selling his services in Iraq during the American occupation, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual explanation, because Penn has taken the creative approach of not giving his hero any personality or traits. Penn then boldly satirizes the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes violent, and holy shit you guys, some people may have profited from that violence. It’s an interesting observation if these are the first words you’ve read since 2003.

Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to critique the Iraq War, right?” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace,” then provides a footnote that clarifies he means “the Pentagon.”

From there, we learn that the American government feels threatened by old people who don’t buy enough branded products. The only real plot point is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a bunch of conservative foundations are working together on these old people murders because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment allows businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s problems head on, Sean Penn.

After agreeing to help the government kill old people for no good reason, Bob’s wanderings of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the incredible realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad too. So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while rescuing his 20-something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent angry tweets about America, then stretched them out to novel length with shit like this:

Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with surreptitious soupcon. Bob sees this. Feels fucked by his own face.

2

Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is

The idea that the government is killing old people doesn’t have a point; it’s just there, because it’s something bad people would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole book is full of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their incredible complexity and reached conclusions like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you? What if politicians … sometimes lie? And technology … could it have … downsides? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials:

Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob felt from feline millennials the transmissions of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one spoke to anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human traverse … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional sex, it seemed of them that they distinguished little between an active orgasm and an acted one.

Wow, sick burn. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two paragraphs on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is bad to long stretches during which nothing happens and no point is made. It’s as if Penn thought that slam poetry was the result of getting one’s penis slammed in a car door.

He compares people who buy stuff (nothing in particular, just stuff) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t getting it, declares: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about marketing, Sean? “Branding is being! Branding is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without bragging about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant:

Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree!” Ouch goes the human heart. Out comes the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind man to Newtown, spits bile aplenty, to bitch us all down.

So many words haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was working. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord,” before declaring “Sir, I challenge you to duel. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and accidentally sent tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because …

3

Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs

Bob Honey isn’t some brilliant subversion of conservative Americans. It’s a rambling polemic for how Penn sees America, mixed with the satirical equivalent of eating a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super great that the only Mexican characters are drug dealers who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass skirts and use blow guns.

Nothing says profound criticism of modern America like “What if a bunch of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful twist?” The Guinean leader says things like “Caught me a case of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva,” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that literacy was a mistake.

There’s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and just being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that line when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I apologize in advance to like eight different groups of people for exposing you to this:

“You want to kill me because I don’t really believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity?”

Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and racial issues without dropping slurs like you got a bulk deal on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part.

4

Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Issues With Women

Penn has a long history of alleged domestic abuse, and while I’m not saying that he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose ghost still whorishly haunts his bed.” In reference to a black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her beauty and the lure of her shaved and shapely cinnamon sticks standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the audacity to destroy America by using makeup: “Had she traded the mythology of her modesty for cosmetic self-awareness? Getting older in America is tough on a woman; seeing what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.”

Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose traits include being great at taking dick from Bob and really liking Bob. She has no personality, no desires, no opinions. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never bothered himself with those distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a note, she signs it: “My love and vagina (on your team).”

Other female characters include a bad young mother, a volunteer who gets drunk on the job, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac,” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who almost shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while falling overboard and getting eaten by “fifty frenzied sharks (adios, amiga),” in one of several instances of Penn using violence against women for comedy. I think I’ve discovered Penn’s fetish, and it’s women getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t already turned off, allow me to forever ruin sex for you with Penn at his most sensual:

What a magical vagina, Bob thought, after exploring it for hours.

“Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” (Note: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair.)

Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup.

Now here’s a fun excerpt from the, ugh, five-and-a-half-page poem that ends the novel:

Where did all the laughs go?

Are you out there, Louis C.K.?

Once crucial conversations

Kept us on our toes;

Was it really in our interest

To trample Charlie Rose?

And what’s with this ‘Me Too’?

This infantizing term of the day …

Is this a toddler’s crusade?

Reducing rape, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s play?

A platform for accusation impunity?

Due process has lost its sheen?

Again, there’s no satire here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a novel that he clearly took less time to write than most people spend crafting SpongeBob memes, and spent a half-second thinking, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76-year-old millionaire was fired for repeatedly harassing women?” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical hit and run. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I think, is because …

5

Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart

The New York Times called Penn’s book “a riddle wrapped in an enigma and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something clever to be gleaned from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and references Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most annoying Facebook friends, he thinks that knowing the names of smart people makes him smart by proxy.

This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly solely because it calls Donald Trump fat. The very fact that it was published at all is the ultimate example of grading on a curve. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the bold political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who slammed it still called it things like “brave” or a misfired statement. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn sees this book as some kind of bold statement against branding is the height of hypocrisy and arrogance. This book is on shelves only because Sean Penn is a “brand.”

I realize the irony here, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t just a critique; it’s a warning. Don’t buy this book because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this book out of morbid curiosity. Taunting notes sent by serial killers have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only productive thing we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking child. If I still haven’t convinced you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman:

“As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find remains. Get it? Sikh! Get it???”

I know you’ll do the right thing.

Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s.

Guess we’d be remiss not to link you to where you could purchase the book, so here it is if you really want it.

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For more bizarre celebrity literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Learn About Donald Trump Reading His Books.

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