#holiday lunar bake-oof

[phobidawg]

Holiday Lunar Bake-Off; Episode 1, Introductions and Welcomes

A hot new portscreen series (Hosted by Iko!) where some of your favorite celebrities (including Emporer Kaito, Queen Selene, and Ambassador Winter Hayle-Blackburn and more,) compete to win the title of Lunar Bake-Off Champion! 

(or a *really* cringy crack fic where Iko throws them all in a baking competition and none of them know how to bake. It gets funnier in the later chapters, I promise. Also excuse and grammar or editing mistakes, I know there are many but I started this a long time ago and don’t want to bothering going through all of it again. I will be updating this once a week until I run out of prewritten chapters!)

Iko: *bursts onto screen in a flurry or glittery snowflakes* I just love the holidays! Lots of friends, family, presents, cute outfits..... and supposedly best of all, the food! *mumbles something under breath about not having taste buds*

Anyway, Welcome to the Holiday Lunar Bake-off! We've selected eight celebrity contestants from all over Earth and Luna to compete for the grand prize, 50,000 univs!! Enough to buy over 300 amazing outfits! Without further ado, the contestants!!! *throws arms open wide gesturing to side door of Kitchen*

*nothing happens*

Iko: I said, the contestants!!!

(off-screen Cinder) Iko, you have each name individually!

Iko: I do? Well then, *looks at paper in hand* our very first contestant is Luna's very own, Selene Jannali-Blackburn, aka Cinder!!

*Cinder emerges from side door, looking annoyed*

Cinder: Why am I always first?! First to be shot at, first to be enlisted to overthrow a queen, first to bother *cough*Thorne*cough*...

Iko: *cutting of rant* So, Cinder, tell us about yourself. *sticks mic in Cinder's face*

Cinder: *leaning away from mic and taking a step back* Um, well, I used to live in New Beijing as a mechanic...

(Off-stage) Kai: The best one there was!

Cinder: *shooting glare at door* And anyway then I found out I was a missing princess of a rock in space and saved a bunch of people from a tyrant and turned Luna into a democracy. So yeah. *feeble jazz-hands*

Iko: *swooning* And most importantly, your now engaged to dreamy Emperor Kai! Tell us, how does it feel knowing you'll be married to Kai soon?!

Cinder: I thought we were here to bake, not gossip!

Iko: I don't know about you, but Kai's smile definitely bake's my wires *cheesy wink*

(off stage awkward coughing)

Cinder: *ignoring horrible pun* By the way, would you mind showing me how to work that complicated fondant roller in the back because I really don't want to lose my other hand too....

Iko: Next up we have Scarlet Benoit of Rieux, France!

Kinney the Cameraman (off-screen): Um, Iko? My portscreen's battery is running a bit low...

Iko: Shh! We're filming!

Kinney: But...

Iko: The show must go on! SCARLET! Scarlet: *kicks open double-doors* Bonjour mon ami. (hello my friend)

Iko: Bonjour! Est-ce nous parlons en francais? (can we speak in french)

Scarlet: *Shrugs* D'accord. (sure)

Kinney: *coughs* Um, bless you?

Iko: Kinney! For the last time cameramen don't talk!

Kinney: *mumbles something under breath*

*Whole screen tilts sideways toward ground for a moment, before righting itself*

Iko: Kinney!

Kinney: *mumbling* whoops.

Iko: So Scarlet, you are probably the most accomplished baker in this whole set of people, and most likely the only one who knows how to use an oven! Where did you learn?

Scarlet: My grandmere taught me a while ago, when I was young. Our favorite thing to make was lemon cake, so I make on the anniversary of her birthday every year.

Iko: How sweet! Maybe even sweeter than sugar ;) *wink*

Cinder: *standing awkwardly off in corner* So....should I just leave?

Iko: *flapping hand in general direction to her right.* There's an exit somewhere around there. Now, I have a baking show to run!

Cinder: *to herself* Time to go get lost in a celebrity kitchen. Fun. *starts wandering off to try and find exit*

Iko: SO Scarlet, tell me more about this lemon cake. Is it sweet and tart, or tart and sweet?

Scarlet: *Looking confused* Ummm....

Kinney (off-screen): *cough* ten minutes of battery left *cough*

Iko: TEN MINUTES! Well, thank you Scarlet, good luck finding the exit.... *nudges a supremely confused looking Scarlet in vague direction* Next we have Captain Carswell Thorne!!

Thorne: *throws open doors, beaming blindingly* Finally, my time as a reality tv star has come! *pauses to consider screen* Wait a minute, we're filming with a portscreen?!

Kinney: Got a problem with that?

Iko: FOr the last time, cameramen don't speak! Now don't worry Thorne, this video will go viral soon enough.

THorne: Well, a camera's a camera. *smiles blindingly again*

Kinney: Eww... *turns camera not so subtly away from him*

Thorne: *noticing* Keep the camera on me!

Kinney: *reluctantly turns back at Iko's glare*

Iko: So, Carswell, it is said that your smile hides a shady past. What do you have to say on this?

Thorne: *sending a furtive look over shoulder at entrance, where a hint of a blond head suggests Cress peek out from door* All I have to say is that my ways are changing, and when I got together with Cress I even made a list... *starts digging around in coat pocket* it's in here somewhere.. I always keep it on me...

Iko: *starts fangirling* OMS that's so cute!!! However, we have a time limit *sour look at camera* so speaking of Cress good luck with the competition and finding the waiting room bye!

Thorne: Wait, what? You're kicking me out!

Iko: Cress! You're on!

Kinney the cameraman: Thorne if you're not gonna leave... *shifts camera so Thorne is out of frame*

Thorne: Fine! I get the picture! *makes a point of stomping away*

Cress: *pops onstage with a worried look in Thorne's direction, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, avoiding gaze with the camera.* Hello Iko.

Iko: *once again happy and bubbly* Cress! Welcome to the Holiday Baking Championship! Are you ready to bake?!

Cress: Um, yes?

Iko: I'm sure you can be a bit more confident than that!

Cress: *casting furtive look into the direction where Thorne disappeared, looking for help. Hesitates, and decides to remove the 'um'* Yes?!

Iko: That's better! Nothing like holiday spirit right?

Cress: *blushing nervously to be onstage* mhm.

Iko: Well, what's your favorite part of baking?

Cress: *pauses, and appears to being pulling herself together. Is actually envisioning herself as a famous chef (shh I didn't say that)* I love decorating the most. *newly confident*

Iko: Me too! I absolutely love cookie decorating, although a certain someone always steals the cookies when I'm done! *glares at camera aka Kinney*

Kinney: Hey! You don't even have taste buds, so how could you eat them anyway?!

Iko: That is so beside the point! What if I wanted to give them as gifts or something?! And just because I don't have taste buds... *trails off*

Kinney: Would you like to finish that sentence? Because I'm actually interested to hear what you might have to say.

Iko: *snaps* Cameramen aren't allowed to talk!

Kinney: Talk about being beside the point.

Iko: *fuming*

Cress: Uhhhhh..... Are you okay Iko?

Iko: I'm fine, just fine.

Kinney: *crisp* 4 minutes left.

Iko: AHHH! *looking murderous at Kinney's interruption*

Cress: *looking scared* Iko... *seeing Iko can't be helped* I'm going to leave *slips away*

Iko: *takes a calming breath*

Kinney: *wisely decides not to comment*

Iko: Wolf and Jacin, on stage! *looks very smug at having the smart idea to add two at a time*

Wolf + Jacin: *enter*

Iko: Hello and welcome to the Holiday Baking thing, merry Christmas, ect. Ect. ect. Ok we're on a time crunch so I'm going to start and end with a basic question. What ingredients do you like to use most in baking? Jacin, you're up.

Jacin: I don't bake.

Iko: Aw, come on, just list any ingredient you use for baking then that's nice.

Jacin: Fine, flour.

Iko: *confused* flour?

Jacin: Flour. It's used in pretty much every baking recipe, so that makes it a logical choice. As a bonus, it is bland and tasteless.

Iko: Well then. Wolf?

Wolf: *instantaneously* tomatoes.

Iko: *under breath* why am I not surprised *out loud* Tomatoes?! How do you bake with tomatoes?!

Wolf: Easily! Tomato muffins, tomato pancakes, tomato cupcakes...

Iko: *looking queasy* For once I'm glad I don't have taste buds... I mean that sounds delicious! Good luck in the competition! *under breath* You'll need it. *louder, and much more excited* Next up, former princess Winter Blackburn Hayle and the dreamy Emperor Kaito!

*Kai and Winter wander onstage, Kai looking bemused as Winter rambles to him. Iko swoons*

Iko: Best for last! Don't tell anyone I said that though *wink at screen* Welcome to the Holiday Baking Championship! My first question is for Winter. Wherever did you get that dress?!

Winter: Oh, this? Well, it's pretty isn't it? *giggles and twirls, making her flowy dress swirl* I don't know really, it just seemed to show up in my room this morning!

Iko: I don't know about you, but I have a listed inventory of all my dress', so nothing ever randomly shows up in my room ;) Now Kai... *turns to Kai, who grins cutely/winningly*

Kinney: *cough*one minute*cough*

Iko: *snaps out of adoring reverie* 1 minute! Well Kai, Iloveyou--I mean Good Luck and welcome to both of you!

Kai + Winter: Thank you. Good night! *look at each other in surprise before turning and leaving*

Iko: *talking unnaturally fast* Well that's it for today folks! Please share and repost, and Happy Holidays y'all! Keep a lookout for Episode Two, Christmas Caking! Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Hanuk-

*screen goes dark*

[phobidawg]

TLC Holiday Lunar Bake Off- Christmas Caking

Episode 2 of The Holiday Lunar Bake-Off, where the crew starts baking. Their first challenge, Christmas cakes! As expected, this leads to many funny mishaps and mistakes. 

(Yes I promised to post these every week but I got lazy I’m sorry!) 

Like the first, my apologizes for typos and grammar mistakes, I wrote this two years ago, and some of them I just didn’t bother to correct for “comedic effect” in my cringy young mind. I figured that this would provide some amusement in quarantine, and it does get funnier in later chapters (as my comedic understand develops.) Enjoy!

Iko: Welcome to Episode 2 of the Holiday Baking Championship, Christmas Caking! Contestants you may enter!

*there is some shouting backstage, a voice calls “No. I refuse to wear it.” and after a struggle, another voice saying “I don’t want to be here all day so get in single file or I swear on all the stars I will shoot you!”*

Kinney: Should I alert the Captain of the Guard? Maybe they should go deal with that… *he looks hopeful*

Iko: Aren’t you the Captain of the Guard?

Kinney: Yep.

Iko: *scowls at Kinney’s tactics, but there’s something adoring about it*

*Group files out of doors perfectly in order, with Scarlet in back, a hand on her waistband*

Iko: *looking super excited* OH MY STARS YOU GUYS LOOK SO CUTE!!! *squealing as she sees everyone wearing matching pink flowered aprons*

*kinney skillfully zooms in on Thorne wearing his pink apron, snickering*

Iko: *gushing* You all look wonderful! Oms! *fails to notice how badly the apron fits Wolf, or how awkward and broodingly mad at situation Jacin looks. Cress and Winter look at their aprons adoringly, whereas Cinder rolls her eyes at the pink. Scarlet is still wearing her red hoodie, so she’s fine, Thorne wears his proudly, and Kai keeps giving Cinder a nervous glance, hoping she doesn’t judge him.*

Iko: *getting over her love of the outfits* Our first challenge today is cake! Each person will have to make a cake including and starring a secret ingredient, and favorite among the holidays… *Tressa pushes a cart with a decorative cloth and a silver platter a top it*

Tressa: *quietly* Do you like the aprons?! I sewed them myself, and forced them into wearing it. *winks at Iko*

Iko: They’re perfect Tressa, as always! *secretive smile is shared*

Tressa: *lets go of tray in front of Iko before waving at camera* Hi Liam!

Kinney: *camera shakes violently as he waves back*

Tressa + Iko: Watch the camera!

Kinney: *muttering* a guy can’t get a break around here.

Tressa + Iko: *simultaneously again* shh!

Cinder: Iko, as you were saying before?

Iko: Oh yeah! Tressa could you do the honors?

Tressa: Really?! *super excited*

Iko: Oh course! *super dramatically* and the mystery ingredient is…

Tressa: *slowly and equally dramatically lifts top* Apples!

Iko: Yay! Thank you Tressa for your marvelous performance! *starts to applaud*

Wolf: *growls at apples threateningly*

Cinder and Scarlet: *give Wolf a glance before sharing a knowing look*

Winter: I love apples!

Jacin: *looking slightly worried* After Levana’s stunt I’m still wary about apples petites and apples in general…

Thorne: Oh, don’t be such a worrywort. *claps Jacin’s shoulder* There’s nothing wrong with the candy! That was one time! Apples themselves may be a bit questionable, but I eat the candy all the time and there’s nothin’ wrong with me. Ever since Winter introduced me, and Cress found a store in the middle of Utah that sold some, I’ve been eating non-stop, and I’m fine! Great even! *flexes arm* Ain’t that right Cress?

Cress: *blushing profusely*

Cinder: Which part? The candy or the part about you being fine? Because I think I know which one you’re correct about, and it’s not the one that involves you flexing shirtless in front of the Rampion mirrors every morning.

Thorne: *shrugs* What can I say? I have a great bod.

Cress: *blushing even redder*

Wolf: Cress are you okay? You look like you’re about to turn into a tomato!

Kai: You mean like that movie where the girl turns into a blueberry and gets to be rolled out of the factory?

Cinder: *surprised* You’ve watched Charlie and the Chocolate factory?

Kai: What! Being an only child in a huge palace can get boring.

Scarlet: You mean the one where the kid wins a ticket in a chocolate bar? I used to love that movie!

Winter: *singing* who can take a sunrise?

  Sprinkle it in dew?

  Cover it in chocolate,

  And a miracle or two?

Scarlet, Winter, Cress, and Kai: The candyman,

    The Candyman Can.

    The Candyman can

‘cause he mixes it  

with love and makes

the world taste good.

Cinder + Jacin: stooooooop

Cinder: You guys do realize that song is like literally 100+ years old? Talk about not being on top of pop culture.

Jacin: Hear, hear.

Cress: Um, you do realize I was stuck in a satellite for the last few years? I didn’t even learn how to use a microwave until yesterday.

Thorne: *looking proud*  I showed her.

Cress: *giving him a look* Wait a moment. As I was saying, being on top of pop culture is the least of my worries. And I like this song!

Winter: What’s a microwave?

Wolf: Stole the words right out of my mouth.

Scarlet: Horrible devices that are ruining good home cooking.

Cinder: Oof. My life is a lie.

Wolf: Ew. Also Scar, could you teach me that song you were singing later? You sound beautiful when you sing it.

Scarlet: *smiling* Oh, we’re totally watching Willy Wonka later.

Cress: Slumber party with 2nd Era movies anyone?!

Iko: Count me in!

Cinder: *sighs* I guess I’m coming to then, I’ll dragged there whether I want to or not.

Winter: Yay! Dear Selene your going to love it. Can we watch Snow White and the Seven Dwarves from Disney as well?

Cress: I love Disney! Especially Tangled. I can totally relate relate to her hair struggles ;)

Thorne: I got the popcorn and candy!

Winter: Jacin?

Jacin: No way in spades am I watching a movie about a bunch of kids eating chocolate and singing.

Winter: *pretty pleading eyes* Pretty please? With a bow and sour apples petites on top?

Jacin: *averting eyes carefully* fiiiiine.

Kinney: This is fun and all, but aren’t we tapping a show? I sacrificed my netdramas to keep this thing plugged in all night!

Iko: Oh yeah! Anyway, what were we talking about?

Cinder: Apples.

Thorne: Huh?

Cinder: *annoyed* Apples!

Thorne: Is your battery running low again? Because I have no intention of opening your control panel ever again *shivers squeamishly*

Cinder: No! That’s the last thing we were talking about you dolt!

Thorne: Oh, that makes more sense. Thank goodness.

CInder: *rolls her eyes*

Thorne: *throws an arm around Cinder shoulders buddy-like* Oh, you know you love me. *rubs his knuckles in her hair*

Cinder: *groans* Get off me you oaf. *shoves his arm off and pulls now even messier ponytail higher*

Iko: Okay! So on three, everyone grab a bag of apples and… GO!

*Everyone except Wolf and Winter, who are still standing where they were*

Winter: Oh, are we starting? *giggles and twirls over to grab some apples*

Wolf: *angry* I refuse!

Scarlet: *coming over with her bag* Come on, it’s just a competition…

Wolf: No! I refuse to insult tomatoes in such a way! These upstart apples, what do they think they are… *glares at Scarlet’s bag angrily*

Scarlet: Calm down, it’s not that big a deal…

Wolf: *getting worked up* Not a big deal? Not a big deal! Apples are taking over! Everywhere you look, there’s apples! Apples pie, apple muffins, apple waffles… not tomatoes, never tomato pie, or tomato muffins!

Scarlet: *placing a hand on his shoulder* It’s okay, I’m sure you can work with apples this once…

Wolf: Work with the apples! Of course not! You know what, I’ll show them, I refuse to use the tomatoes.  I absolutely won’t  bend to the norm of today’s world! Tomatoes will always be #1, no matter what anyone else thinks. SO you know what? *not waiting for a response* I’m going to use tomatoes instead! See how they take that! *purposefully marches toward pantry*

Cinder: *coming over to meet Scarlet* What just happened?

Scarlet: *rolling her eyes, but there’s something loving about it* Stars only know! Now, we need to get started.

*the two walk over to their stations*

*screen follows Iko as she walks over to Kai, who is gathering supplies, his brow furrowed in concentration*

Iko: Watcha doin’ Kai?

Kai: *jumps, dropping supplies* Oh, um, *bending down to pick up dropped stuff*I was thinking of making apple crumble, something that I used to make with my mom when we were little.

Iko: Aw! Have you ever made these yourself before?

Kai: Uh, no? But I’m confident in my abilities. *puts on a fake confident smile*

Iko: You don’t seem confident. But that sounds amazing! Good luck, I have my money bet on you winning! *smiles flirtatiously*

Kai: *smiles gratefully, completely not noticing Iko’s flirting* Thanks Iko!

*camera follows Iko as she walks over to Cress*

Iko: Hey Cress! What are you working on?

Cress: Hi Iko! I’m working on apple cinnamon cookies with honey drizzle.

Iko: *surprised* Wow! That sounds really advanced!

Cress: I’ve never made it before, but I would watch baking shows in the satellite and read up on different pastries in my free time.

Iko: That sounds like a smart strategy. Well played Cress!

Cress: Well, I didn’t exactly know I was going to be on a baking show in the future, but thanks. Also, best of all, I’m going to be able to use my newfound microwave abilities!

Iko: Awesome! Good luck Cress!

*camera floats over to Thorne who’s next to Cress*

Thorne: Um, Cress?! I’m supposed to put 22 cups of flour in here, right? Or was it just 2… ?

Cress: *peeks over from her own cookie supplies, where she sees Thorne with a huge bowl of flour, flour spilling all over the edges. He is covered head-to-toe in white flour, and he looks like a ghost.* Oh, Captain. *she Smiles, pecks his flour-covered cheek, and starts to wipe of his face.*

Iko: *swooning, one hand on her heart, the other at her side* awww!!!

Kinney: Are we going to interview him or not?

Iko: Stars no! I’m not getting flour on my new dress! More importantly, I’m not interrupting my ship in action!

Kinney: *groans*

Iko: What if you take the camera around while I stay over here and fangirl?

Kinney: *grumbling but the camera slowly starts to move around room*

*zooms in on Jacin and Winter, who are working side by side*

Winter: I love Christmas!!! *throws green and red glitter in air, covering both her and Jacin*

Jacin: *ducking and covering head with arms* Ah! Cut that out! *smiling to himself, but trying to hide it*

Winter: Aw, come on, have a little fun! *smiles micheviously, and throws more glitter on Jacin, who now resembles a sparkly christmas tree ornament than a person*

Jacin: *scowling* uuuugh. *scowls down at his pink apron and the glitter, cringing majorly.* I have no words to describe how bad this is.

Winter: You look like Christmas dear Jacin. *humming to herself, she starts to pour sugar and flour into a bowl, but some sugar spills out* Oops! *giggles*

Jacin: *sighs affectionately* You really are nothing but Trouble.

Winter: Thank you. *starts to clean up sugar* This apple petite cake is going to be yummier than Scar’s macaroons!

Scarlet: *looking up from her work. Playfully competitive* Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. My apples macaroons are going to blow everyone else’s desserts out of this galaxy.

Winter: What about you Jacin? How is your dessert going to compare?

Jacin: I don’t know, they haven’t been judged yet.

*camera leaves and travels over to Wolf, who has a workplace ahead of him filled with nothing but tomatoes*

Wolf: *has five plates for all of the judges ahead of him. On each of the plates, there is one chopped tomato, one smashed tomato, and a plain tomato.*

Wolf: Perfect. Yum. *reaches to each a little bit of smashed tomato, but stops himself* No, it’s for the judges. ;(

Wolf: *goes over to blender with tomato in hand*

Kinney: Ewww *moves away to Cinder’s station*

Cinder: *tries to wipe a bit of apple of her cheek, but only spreads it more* Kai, pass me the vanilla extract.

Kai: What’s the magic word?

Cinder: *groaning* pleeeaase.

Kai: *tosses her a small bottle, and notices the apple on her face with a small smile, before turning back to his stuff*

Cinder: Hey Kinney.

Kinney: SHh! I’m not here… *waggles fingers in Cinder’s face mock mysteriously*

Cinder: *smirking* Hello Not Here.

Kinney: Just no. *leaves Cinder’s station to stick camera in Kai’s face*

Kai: *leans back a bit* Um hello?

Kinney: *no response, put finger to his lips*

Kai: *nods* Okay. *turns back to his work*

*camera zooms in on the bowl with sugar covered caramelized apples*

Kinney: *camera shakes a bit as he nods, impressed*

*suddenly, camera slips and falls into bowl of apples*

Kai: *off-screen* AH NOT MY APPLES!

Iko: *off-screen* AAH KINNEY NOT THE CAMERA!

Kinney: *off-screen* oops.

*everything comes back into view as Kinney picks up camera, but everything in blurry because of the carmel sauce on the lens*

Iko: *coming really close the screen to inspect it* Ugh. It’s going to need a new lens. Kinney!!!!!!

Iko: *over her shoulders* FIFTEEN MINUTES BAKERS! *to camera* Okay, so we’re going to get a new lens, so until next time, Happy Holidays, and please like, repost, share, and stay tuned for next time, where we’ll see who wins Challenge One, Christmas Caking! Love you! <3 ;P