#holding onto heartache is a cleanser

[thelastattempt]

‘You said I’m holding onto heartache, you said I wear it like a crown, it’s gonna drag me down’; how far do you need to push someone before they find comfort in pain? when you’re so familiar with glass between your ribs that you start treasuring your trauma, feel the tear in your lungs with each breath and know it’s the only evidence that you’re still alive. when you agree that yes, ‘I’m holding onto heartache’ because there’s not a whole lot else left. when someone has to tell you that they see you burning, they see you hoarding up your chewed nails, that you’re still clenching tight even though the impact hit years ago.

‘I still have dreams about it’ because what ifs are whispering from the walls and even though it never could have lasted, even though it was always unsustainable and unrealistic, when it flickered out with a whimper it created a permanent black hole in me. and the stolen maybes ‘keep me drifting back to darkness’ every time I take a step forward because it didn’t need to be this way and I am forever in mourning for who I could have been.

I am my own worst critic, my own saboteur, my own cyclical nightmare. ‘To be honest I’m not easy on myself’ and I will put myself in situations that hurt me, I will see you and I will yearn and crack and break, because everything always always ‘comes flooding back’, like a tidal wave, like a monsoon, like I’m doomed to tread water and never take a full breath again.

‘You should be staring at the sky, the birds just passing by love’. In a parallel universe, I would have been reclining in a field with daisies on my fingertips, beautifully ignorant of my own capacity to endure but here, today, it’s become a choice. ‘Time will always heal you, if you let it make its way into your bones’; Today I’ve tortured myself worse than anyone else, I wear the scars of ages, the burns from coals and the lashes from tongues. Today, I step out of the darkness.

I’d like a little peace now.

[harrywritingsbyme]

I Love You

A/N: Cute and Cliche is all i have to say🥰🥺 It has an underlying theme of Sunflower Vol.6🌻  Enjoy🙃

You and Harry had been friends for years. Neither of you could really explain what drew you to each other, but you knew that you couldn’t live without each other. You both had been through almost everything together. You Harry’s person and he was yours. He was the one you called at 3 am when you couldn’t sleep. You were the one he called when he got home to talk about his day. Sure the both of you had other close friends, but the relationship you and Harry had was unlike anything either of you had ever experienced.

Especially you. Normally you wouldn’t be jealous when one of your friends had a girlfriend. Nor were you fuming when your friends ex broke their heart. But you were all of these things when it came to Harry. When Harry and Camille broke up, Harry was completely heartbroken. And you were the one who helped put him back together. There were countless nights where Harry laid his head in your lap and just cried. Every time he did, you so badly wanted to grab his phone and send her a strongly worded message, letting her know how much she hurt him. You wanted her to know how she affected him. But as much as you wanted to, you didn’t. You just decided to refocus your anger on getting Harry back to his happy self. Eventually he did, and the two of you went back into your normal dynamic.

Not too long after, you went through your own breakup. Except you were the one who was doing the breaking. Your relationship was going great until you realized that it wasn’t. Things started going south when you realized your true feelings. You came to the realization that your heart didn’t belong to them anymore, but it belonged to Harry. You knew that at the end of the day that if it came down to Harry or them, you’d choose Harry in a heartbeat. You couldn’t live with yourself knowing that you were in a relationship with a person who had feelings for you, but you didn’t feel the same. So you decided to end things to save you both from the heartache. 

“We broke up” you sigh through the phone to Harry

“What!?” He says in shock, trying to mask the underlying feeling or happiness and excitement he had towards your current situation. “I though you guys were good” his voice drops a little, trying to hide any possible indications of him finding happiness in your misfortune. 

“Yeah, I guess things didn’t work out” you sigh, deciding to leave out the whole part about you breaking up with them because you were in love with your best friend, and how you weren’t ready for things to get extremely complicated.

“Y’want me to come over?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave the door unlocked for you” you smile through the phone. You were supposed to be feeling sad right now, but you couldn’t stop the smile from creeping onto your face. 

When Harry finally gets to your place, the two of you cuddle up under a mountain of blankets on the couch and you guys just watch movies for the rest of the night. You rest your head against his shoulder and you guys watch whatever Harry chose, the both of you indirectly agreeing to not talk about the break up. You were enjoying your much needed escape from reality. You were too engrossed in the movie, that you didn’t even notice Harry gazing down at you. 

He didn’t know what changed, but ever since he found out that you were no longer in a relationship, it was like your name was written over and over again in his head with hearts around it. He’d been best friends with you for years now, and his feelings for you were for most of them; he just didn’t know it. When you’d gotten into a relationship with your now ex, he felt different at the time. It was as if you were taken away from him and he lost his chance with you. So he moved on. He met Camille and things were great. You were in a relationship and so was he. It allowed him to throw all of the feelings he had for you into someone else. That is, until they broke up. He loved her, he really did, but he also loved the distraction she gave him. Being in a relationship gave him a reason to not think about you, it allowed him to focus in on something or someone other than you. He loved you as his best friend, but now he realized that he loved you in a way that was more than what someone should feel towards their friend. 

The days turned into weeks and neither of you told each other how you really felt. Neither of you wanted to ruin the friendship so you both rationed that keeping your feelings to yourself was the only good option. The two of you went along with your normal routines, talking to each other every night on FaceTime and hanging out together during the weekend. You both did these things like you normally would, but all you could think about was the idea of you doing these things as a couple. Harry thought about being coming home and cuddling in bed with you while he listened to you talk about your day. Or cooking together in the kitchen while dancing to the playlist you made together. Every night the two of you were on the phone, both of you were holding back from saying the three words that weighed heavily on your tongues. It’d be something as simple as grabbing lunch together. Both yours and Harry’s hands just itched to reach across the table and intertwine your fingers.

“I wanna come over and make dinner tomorrow. I found this recipe I want to try and I think you’ll like it” you mumble, rubbing in your facial cleanser.

“That’s fine with me. Y’need me to get the ingredients on my way home?” He was almost amused as to how you still managed to be the most beautiful person in the world, while being in the most unflattering state. 

“No, I went and bought everything on my way home today.” You rush out before leaning over into the sink to rinse your face off. When you come up and dry off, you look down towards your phone to find Harry smiling dreamily at you through the screen. “Harry? You good over there” you act suspiciously. 

“I’m fine I just-“ I just love you so much, is what Harry wanted to say. “-remembered a joke Jeff told me today” he manages to cover up. 

“So this is the part where you tell me the joke” you egg him on to tell you the supposed joke. 

“I’ll tell you tomorrow. I -“ love you, is again, what he wanted to say. “ -I’ll see you later”

“Alright” you huff and hang up the phone. For the rest of the night, all the two of you could do was lie awake. The both of you thinking about one another, and how you didn’t know how much more longer you could hold out on your feelings. 

The next day was the same as any other day of the past few weeks; you and Harry constantly thinking about each other. Fantasizing about a life where the two of you were more than friends; a life for just you and Harry. Since you were going over to Harry’s house to cook, you decided to leave work a little early so that you could get all of your ingredients from home, and so that you could grab some flowers on the way to his place. 

When you finally get there, you use the spare key he gave you and you let yourself in. You knew that you had some time before Harry came home, so you decided to play some music to keep yourself company. You plug in your phone and you start the playlist that you and Harry randomly made one day. It was filled with both yours and Harry’s favorite songs, along with a few songs that you both snuck in that reminded you of each other. You prance around the kitchen a little while longer before a deep voice behind you brings you back into reality.

 “I see you’ve started the party without me.” He chuckles, flashing you a little pout.

“I wanted to come a bit early and surprise you”

“But I wanted to help” he pouts. He moves to sit at the other side of the counter in front of you and he begins to mindlessly finger at the petals of the flowers you bought over. “Soon everything in here is going to be yellow if y’keep commin’ around” he chuckles looking down at the sunflowers in front of him.

“Stop complaining, you know you love it.” 

“I do” he whispers, dreamily dazing at the bright flowers in front of him. He wished everyday could be like this. He so badly wanted to come home to you. Even if he came home before you, just knowing that you’d be coming home to him made his heart swell. 

“You said you wanted to help me. Are you going to help or what?” Harry’s broken out of his thoughts to find you smirking at him on the other side of the counter. He comes around to you and you assign him a small job to help you out. A comfortable silence then falls over the kitchen. The only sound coming from yours and Harry’s movements, along with the music playing from the small speaker in the kitchen.

The silence was only comfortable for the sole reason that neither of you didn’t feel the need to make conversation, simply being in the company of one another was enough for both of you. But there was an aspect of this silence that wasn’t comfortable at all. All you wanted to do was pull Harry down and plant a kiss against his lips. You were dying to know how it felt to have his lips pressed against yours. You needed to know how it felt to be on the receiving end of his love and affection. You needed to feel what it was like to be his. 

Once dinner is cooked, you and Harry sit down and eat. The both of you talking about subjects ranging from your projects at work, to Harry contemplating repainting the living room. Meanwhile, both of you are thinking about each other and how you so desperately wanted to tell the other how you felt. 

The evening was finally coming to an end and neither of you had made a move; that is until now. You and Harry were almost done cleaning up the kitchen when Harry couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing how you were about to leave and go home, leaving him alone with just the mere though of you sent him over the edge. He drops the the towel he had in his hand onto the counter and he swiftly makes his way over to you. 

He snakes his arms around you from behind and your heart instantly begins to pound relentlessly in your chest. You turn around in his grip and you look up to see a dopey smile spread across his face. Before you get to question his actions, Harry is already at face level with you and his lips are pressed against yours. Your shoulders tense at the sudden kiss, but you instantly relax, realizing that you were finally getting what you’ve been wanting for the longest time.

 The kiss was better than what either of you could have imagined. It was soft, yet full of passion. It calmed you, but it made you need more. Neither you or Harry wanted this to end, it made both of your heads spin, in the best way possible. It was everything you’d hoped your first kiss with Harry would be like. You wrapped in his arms while yours around his neck. His lips pressed against yours. And your favorite songs playing in the background. As cliche as it was, both of you would consider this to be a dream come true. Just as you were about to deepen the kiss, Harry pulls away from you, resting his forehead against yours. 

“So beautiful” he sighs. He’d never been this close to your face to really see all of your features. He knew you were beautiful, but seeing you now, this close, not to mention right after a mind blowing kiss; it was as if you were the most breathtaking sight he’d ever seen.

“I could say the same” you gaze up at him, not believing the fact that the love of your life, your best friend just kissed you. 

“I love you so much” he mindlessly whispers. At that you push your lips back onto his and you cup the sides of his face, pulling his lips tighter against yours. 

It was almost as if this kiss was better than the last. Knowing that the man in front of you loved you back, was like the missing puzzle piece you were looking for. And now that you found it, you were complete. You pull away from his lips, just enough for you to whisper one last thing to him. 

“I love you too” 

Masterlist

[welcometotheheartbreakhotel]

whenyoulovesomeone

Pairing: Ateez Mingi & Y/N

Genre: fluff, angst(?)

Word count: 2921

summary:

after a long night of staying up, waiting for your boyfriend to get home from yet another late practice, you take notice of just how tired and run down your boyfriend mingi looks and it breaks your heart knowing what little there is for you to do than to love him and stand by him. 

it wasn’t rare for mingi to be home late. it was quite the norm, really, but today was peculiar. he always made it home no later than 1am, and it was well past that right now. you knew the boys were preparing for a comeback and were probably working endlessly to master choreography. they were always persistent, a trait you greatly admired.

you knew that mingi wasn’t too keen on ou staying up so late waiting for him, but with each minute he wasn’t home, the more anxious you become, worry filling your mind. you plopped down on the sofa, turning the tv on to fill the silence of the empty room, flipping the channel to an old rerun of the notebook.

at around 3:15am, the familiar sound of keys jingling and the lock switching signaling the arrival of your boyfriend interrupted your lazy viewing of the movie. you watched as he tiredly nudged his sneakers off, his shoulders drooping in a mix of emotional and physical exhaustion. your lips formed a small pout as you heard him sigh loudly, having struggled to slip his left shoe off due to the tight laces.

“you made it home.” you mused, as you called out to him from your place on the sofa.

“you’re still awake.” he stated matter-of-factly, as he made his way to the living room.

mingi, without much warning, let himself fall face-down onto the sofa you were currently seated at, his head on the pillow on your lap.  your lips curled into a small smile, your hands reaching to comb their fingers through his soft, ebony hair. you felt him sigh against the pillow, his shoulders rising slightly, and he gently nuzzled your hands, signaling you to keep doing your previous minitrations. you obliged.

“long day, huh?”

‘mmhm.” he answered, his voice muffled. you idly combed through his hair with your fingers, hoping to bring some comfort to him. 

you leaned down to press a kiss to the back of his head. as soon as your lips touched his head, your nose caught the heavy smell of wintergreen, and your lingering eyes found what you could easily identify as pain relief tape peeking out from the collar of his shirt. he must be so sore and tired, you thought..

“you guys practiced a lot today.” you said.

“mmhm,” he hummed.

“your body must be hurting from how sore it is.”

you felt mingi shift his body around so that he could look at you. dark circles pooled at the bottom of his eyes. his eyelids appeared to weigh tons as they struggled to open whenever the closed. your heart ached at the sight before you. you wanted to support mingi in the pursuit of his dreams, but having to watch his body and health deteriorate whenever the group had a comeback made you heart hurt.

“im okay, though.” he smiled, tiredly. “it will pay off.”

“im sorry.” your voice was soft, you felt that if you spoke just a bit louder your voice would break and you'd cry from the heartache.

“why are you sorry?” his tired eyes widened, just a little, as they gazed up at you, trying to gauge your expression.

“because i can’t do anything to make you feel better.” you looked down at him, your hand gently caressing his cheek. you could feel tears at the brims of your eyes, but you didn’t dare let mingi see them fall. “the only thing i can do is just be here.”

“and that’s more than enough.” his hand took yours in his and pressed it against his lips. it was something so small, and yet that gesture brought some ease to your heart.

“let’s get you to bed, okay?”

taking his hand, you led mingi to your shared bedroom, but not before leading him into the attached bathroom to help him wash up. he pouted as you lathered facial cleanser on his face to remove any makeup he had on for the day.

“the water’s too cold~” he shivered, as you splashed a handful against his face to rinse the soap off.

“baby, its warm.”

“but it still feels cold.” he looked up at you with the most heart-wrenching pout and puppy dog eyes..

“im done, though.” you said, patting his face dry with a soft towel.

“hmmm….”

you applied some night cream on his face, taking your time to make sure his face was entirely covered and moisturized. every now and then, you noticed him nod off and you took advantage of one of those quick bursts of sleep to briefly walk out of the bathroom to retrieve some of his sweats and a clean tee from the drawers in your closet only to come back to find a very sleepy mingi pouting, as he looked longingly at you.

“you left.”

“i just went to get you clothes, baby.”

“but i was alone.”

“baby, i was literally gone for 10 seconds.”

“10 seconds is 10 hours in mingi time.” he said, matter-of-factly.

“im sorry,” you gently rustled his hair with one of your hands.” now, come on. let’s get you out of these clothes and into something more comfortable for you to sleep.”

you had to do most of the work, mingi being too tired to even open his eyes, you started by slipping the flannel off of his broad shoulders.

“arms up.” you told him, and like a child, he sleepily raised his arm above his head, allowing you to slip his t-shirt over his head. you nudged for him to stand up, to which he whined quietly.

mingi practically forced himself to stand, but just barely. his legs wobbled from how tired he was, and ultimately, you had to put his hands on your shoulders for him to stay upright. your fingertips lightly touched his tummy as you tried to undo the button of his jeans.

“babe, i’ll never say this ever again in my life… but i’m too tired to-”

“song mingi, i can’t let you sleep in jeans.”

“hm?” his tired eyes blinked at you, confused.

you chuckled. “‘i’m trying to take off your pants so i can change your clothes, not to get freaky.”

“why not?”

you rolled your eyes. he was always like this when he was tired. just a giant baby, even if it was abut something as unchildlike as having sex.

“you just said you were tired.”

“i can drink coffee if you want me to.”

“what i want is for you to rest.”

you managed to get him out of his jeans without much struggle. he took the sweats from the bathroom counter, and put them on, wobbling a bit. you got his t-shirt to help him put it on, but he took it from your hands, and again, much like a child, he put the shirt on arms first, getting his head somewhat caught in the neck hole. 

with a small smile, you helped him pull the shirt down, coming face to face with him, his cheeks flushed. you took his face in your hands and pressed a small kiss to his lips. you could feel him tense up a bit from bewilderment, but nonetheless, met your lips with equal pressure.

taking his hand again, you led him out of the bathroom. both of you took to your designated sides on the bed, mingi wasting no time to plop himself onto it, sprawling his long arms wide, motioning for you to come into his embrace, and you, almost too willingly, obliged.

being in mingi’s arms was a feeling like no other. it was one of your most favorite feelings in the world, your most favorite being was every time he told you he loved you. being in his arms made you feel so loved, without him having to say anything. so protected, without having to be in the face of danger. so warm, without being cold. 

“what are you thinking about right now?” he asked, his voice soft.

“my favorite place..”

“oh? and where’s that?”

“right here,” you said, wrapping our arms around him tightly, looking up at him with a smile.

“that’s so cheesy.”

“and what about it?” you rose an eyebrow. “if im cheesy, you’re wine-y.”

you looked up to steal a glance at him, only to catch him cracking a smile as he tried to hold back laughter. a small bubble of a giggle emerged from his lips, and the sound brought you to laugh along with him. his laughter was small compared to his usual booming thunder, but it was still enough for his eyes to turn into the crescent ,moons you loved so much. 

it was moments like these, where you’d catch him being so innocently happy that made your heart twinge in absolute happiness. he was so beautiful when he smiled, and he had no idea just how breathtaking he was. you were so in awe of his beauty, you hadn’t realized you’d gone silent.. 

mingi looked down at you, curiosity in his eyes, and for a moment, that’s all there was. just the two of you, silently staring at each other, with the faint traces of smiles on your faces.

“why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, quietly.

“”you’re so pretty.”

“no~ really.” he rolled his eyes.

“i’m serious.” you lightly caressed his face with your hand. “you’re the prettiest when you smile.”

a soft blush tinted his cheeks and he looked away for a moment to try and gain some composure.

“that’s my line.”

“it’s mine now.” you smiled. you hesitated a bit before continuing. “i want you to always smile and be happy. every time i see you so tired and sad, it makes me want to take you far away so that i can make you happy and keep your smile.”

“babe…”

“i know, i know.” you sighed. “you’re already doing what you love and what makes you happy. i just wish that it wouldn’t get tough for you and that the company wasn’t so hard on you guys about constantly having to work and practice. you already work so hard. i wish they could see what i see. how tired you are when you get home. how swollen your feet get from all the dancing. remember when we had to cut your shoes off because of how swollen your feet were? or how you had to go to a physical therapist because of how stiff your back muscles had gotten from all the knots caused by stress? seeing you silently suffer like that made me so sad. all i want is to take that all away. there are times when i wish for it to be me going through your pain, so you won’t have to.” you looked up at him again, but his eyes were focused on the wall across the room. you could tell that they were glassy and beginning to tear up.” oh no… baby, no. i didn’t mean for you to cry.”

“i’m not.” he lied, rubbing at his eyes. “i just… i didn't know you felt like this.”

“it’s all i can think of sometimes. especially when i wake up and i see you’ve gone to practice early, or like tonight and you come home so late. you don’t see yourself, but you’re all i see, so believe me when i say that it kills me to see you tearing yourself apart to give your best.”

he stayed quiet for a moment, thinking about what to say. ”i want to show the world that i can do it. that i can be great. that i can be everything that they said i couldn’t be. i honestly don’t care about what i have to do or what it takes. i can forget how hard it is for me, or how much i’m hurting as long as i have you by my side. just the thought of you is enough to get me through the day. i want to be able to provide for you and make you proud of being by my side. i want… i want to be the man that has the privilege to love you, that deserves to be with you, because babe, i honestly don’t deserve you.”

“do you really think that?” your eyebrows knit together. you’d always had it backwards. it was you who didn’t deserve someone as amazing as mingi.

“mhm.” he nodded, wiping a stray tear from his cheek.

“baby, no,” you tsked, “you are so great. so much greater than you even think you are. this world isn’t even ready to see just how great you are and can be. if anyone doesn’t deserve anyone, it’s me.” you sighed. “ you’ve got so much going for you. you’ve got your rapping, your dancing, you can even sing, for fucks sake! you’re handsome to top it all off, and it’s kind of unfair just how much of a full package you are.”

“stop~”

“no, but i’m serious. you’re everything i could ever want and beyond.” you gathered his face in your hands, making him look at you. “don’t you know how amazing you are?”

his eyes were wide like a child, so innocent and beautiful. he shook his head no, and the image made your heart swell. you pressed a kiss to his lips once more, the second of the night. it was the smallest of gestures, but you wanted to show him how much you loved and cared for him. you wanted to show him that as chaotic as the world might be, you’d be there to shelter him from it all. to protect him and bring him peace. you wanted to make his world easier to live in, so that he wouldn’t have to struggle anymore.

you felt him hesitate before he returned your kiss, the pressure he provided being needy, but not in a lustful way. no. in a need that wanted you closer. closer than the contact of skin on skin could provide. you felt one of his hands reach up to touch your face, the other that had been resting around your shoulders pulled you in closer.

“always be with me, hm?” he asked. “can you promise me that no matter what happens, no matter how early i leave or how long i stay out to practice, or how often i might miss important days, or how tired i might be to give you the attention you deserve, that you’ll always be there for me to come home to?”

“mingi…”

“will you be my home, y/n?” he waited eagerly for your answer. “please?”

“baby, of course you know i’ll always be. you’re mine.” you knew just how big mingi’s heart was, but it always leaves you in awe just how tender and soft-hearted he really was. he was someone filled with so much, so ready to give it to the world. you touched his face, gently rubbing your thumb under his eyes, hovering the dark circles that pooled beneath. “baby?”

“mhm?” 

“will you promise me to rest more? if you don’t, you’re going to end up getting sick, or worse.” you felt him stiffen, about to protest, but you quickly cut him off. “this is all i ask. i need you to be healthy, and here for me to stay and wait for you. as long as you do that, and take care of yourself properly, i will always be here to welcome you with open arms and take care of you if you need me to.”

“hmm…” he thought for a moment, before he stuck out his pinky finger. “deal.”

you giggled at his childlikeness, and curled your pinky finger with his. “deal.” together, you both kissed your thumbs, sealing the promise. “ come on. let’s see if we can get  you to sleep for a few hours, hm? you must be tired to death.”

“it’s okay,” he mumbled. “i love talking to you any chance i can get. these were words i needed to hear. this was the strength i needed.” he slid his body to lay horizontally parallel to yours.

you wrapped your arms around him, and began to comb your fingers through his hair.  you could feel mingi relax in your embrace. his steady breathing tickling your neck. softly, you began to hum a lullaby. one that was familiar between the two of you, that you both knew all too well. 

it was the song you two had danced to at the party where he had confessed to you. when he had told you all the feelings he had been harboring for you for so long and how he promised to give you the world if you’d be willing to give him the chance.

since then, the love you shared grew. so much so, that it overflowed onto moments like these. only two people as in love as the two of you would have an emotional discussion about not resting enough and about just how much you loved each other. as mingi’s soft snores began to fill the room, you realize just how much you wouldn’t have it any other way. it was amazing just how much you loved him and how you’d do absolutely anything and everything in the world and in your power to make him happy. it was in these moments, just before you joined mingi in his slumber, that you realized what an odd and amazing thing it was to love someone because this is how it is.