#hnnhan

[hel-yes]

[lu-nonno]

old time fav' pic!! cant get over this yet.. <3

[hel-yes]

The breaking of an intimate bond is like grieving a dead person except they are still very much alive and the decisions are being made to pretend the other is dead to you.

Strangers to friends and strangers again

[hel-yes]

[hel-yes]

[hel-yes]

God brings people in your life 

To bless you or 

To teach you a lesson.

Sometimes, 

They stay. 

Most of the time, 

They leave.

Other times, 

You choose to walk away.

Blossom and grow always.

[hel-yes]

I finally see myself, Unabridged and overwhelmed, A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell, But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell. And I finally see myself. I only want what's real I set aside the highlight reel, And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk; Worthy of love anyway.

Sleeping at Last, Atlas: Three

[hel-yes]

“Why are you bringing this up? The past is the past; there is nothing that you can do about it now. Let go of these negative feelings and move on, it’s better that way.”

For years, I have taken your advice. I have beaten your advice over my head repeatedly, trying whole heartedly to apply it so that I can let go of something that is incredibly painful to hold onto. By doing this, I was never able to truly process the situation. I soaked in every single ounce of hurt and betrayal from people who walked all over me. 

This pain and resentment is not yours to carry; it is not yours to simply decide that it has no place to be here. You have absolutely no right to tell me what to do with these unresolved afflictions and how I am choosing to process them moving forward.

Although, I’m sure that it would be easier for you if I did things your way, wouldn’t it? That’s a glaring similarity that you have with each person that hold some sort of responsibility for my trauma at 12 years old. If I just listened to your advice, there would be no trouble, complications, or problems for you or anyone else, would there? I am no longer going to shut my mouth simply because it makes you, or anyone else, feel guilty or uncomfortable. 

You were not there to experience what I did– you haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. Actually, mom, you weren’t really there at all, were you? I spent my teenage years crying most days with cuts on my body and you were clueless as to what was going on in your daughters life. In many ways, you’re not here even now. 

I was filled to the brim with shame, remorse, guilt, “dirtiness”, and brokenness and I felt at my very core that I deserved it. I brushed all of the ugly to the side and I never made a peep. I did what everyone wanted me to do: I obliged submissively and took blame for something that was out of my control from the beginning. I forgave people even when an apology was never given.

I have always chosen to show love and empathy for everyone else, especially in cases where it was undeserved. This time, I am making the conscious decision in choosing to unapologetically love myself. 

[hel-yes]

[hel-yes]

[hel-yes]

[hel-yes]

The severance of friendship soul ties (x3)

have easily been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I cannot begin to understand it-- I cannot seem to grasp the reality that soul sisters can make the unanimous decision to walk away from a decade+ of friendship so completely and effortlessly. 

EVERY SINGLE DAY I question it, multiple times a week I dream about it. I dream about the abandonment or I dream about joyful experiences only to wake up and feel broken all over again by the painful reality that you all chose to leave. The cold reality that you all gave up. God knows behind closed doors I weep about it. 

How was it so easy for you all to each make the decision that your life would be better with me out of it? Did I mean that little to you all? Or am I that terrible of a person? I can feel the abandonment to my core; it rattles my bones and gnaws at my insides. 

I was so sure of a few things in this life-- God is sovereign over all, and we were  going to be beside one another, through all of the ups and downs of life, through every chapter, until we hit our deathbed. Life can throw the most tumultuous and chaotic surprises but we had God at our foundation and we had each other at our sides. 

Yet the abandonment of one friend wasn’t disastrous and damaging enough, it had to be done ALL at once. All of life’s sorrows carries an even deeper level of pain because I am forced to experience this life without you all. All of this life’s joy has brought a subtle kick of grief to my gut because I cannot share it with you all. 

Can someone please teach me how to let go of soul ties-- how to let go of people who have long let go of me? 

[hel-yes]

[hel-yes]

Boston, July 4th week 2020

[hel-yes]

I will always cherish the memory of the bright Christmas lights of Georgetown as we walked along the harbor that overlooked Theodore Roosevelt Island. The taste of hot Eggnog Chai Tea Latte fresh on my lips almost successfully distracted me from the prominent swelling in my heart.

I will fondly remember the rush of excitement in physically being swept off of my feet on that cool, Winter’s night. We quickly went from walking with fingers clasped to my legs effortlessly wrapped around you– your face was caressed tenderly between my hands and I felt my heart pleasantly swoon. 

I will never forget the harmonious sound of our deep laughter that meshed so perfectly together as you spontaneously laid me across the grass in that D.C. park. You showered me with planted kisses as the oncoming biker smiled at our young love and my heart smiled too.

I don’t ever want to forget these D.C. nights 

(and you).