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onlynight-onlylight · 4 years ago

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The Dawn Before Sunrise is The Darkest of All

Words: 6,1K

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader / You, slight Namjoon x Reader / You, Jungkook

Genre: Fluff, Angst -- back and forth timeline, breakup, Namjoon & Jungkook are muscle bros, cute Jungkook for help

Summary: Small misunderstanding leads you to big mistake. You never thought it will make you lose him. He’s gone without a goodbye. It’s a bad bye.

Playlist suggestion: RM ft eAeon - Badbye, RM - Trivia: Love, Heize ft Giri Boy (Prod SUGA) - We Don’t Talk Together, Pink Sweat$ - At My Worst

Note: I want to try something different but I’m not sure if this is a success or failure. Lol. I put small amount of angst in here, hmm maybe a little too much compare to my other writings. But yeah, I’m trying new things. And happy birthday Yoongi! What Yoongi wants what Yoongi gets!

You sigh. You stand in front of your wardrobe. There’s visible contrast between your clothes and his. You can feel the pain on your chest. For the love you let go, you live like in hell for a month. You have no reason to live right after he walks out of your life. No calls, no messages, no news from him. You hate him. But then, you worry something might happen to him more. You grab the sleeve of his long coat.

“Where’d you go?”

[January]

“Stay” Yoongi whispers with his eyes closed.

“We have to get ready”

“Ten minutes. Just stay like this for ten minutes”

You grant his wish and stay on the bed with him. You lie patiently on your back. He sleeps while facing you, hugging you on the waist.

“When we arrive at your home, I will barely hold you for the next two days”

You caress his face and he leans to you.

“They know we live together, maybe this time they will let you sleep with me instead of staying in guest room”

“Nah, your father won’t let me”

“But he likes you”

Yoongi opens his eyes. His sleepiness is gone and leaves him with laziness.

“It doesn’t mean he wants a man to sleep with his daughter under his nose”

You laugh after hearing Yoongi’s comment. He always has something to say and it hits home. Your father indeed likes Yoongi. They can talk for hours while your mom and you are preparing food. But sleeping together or showing skinship are whole different things for him.

“Did he say something to you?”

“Hmm…”

Yoongi pretends to think. You know there’s something between the two men after your last visit. Both of them seem to want it staying as secret. He supports his head with his right hand and looks at me with serious face.

“You don’t have to know”

“Ugh. Did you guys plan something fishy?”

Yoongi’s face comes closer to you. Being together for a year doesn’t make you less affected by him and his aura. Even he looks so casual and cute after waking up, your heart can’t help but to beats faster.

“Yes. We plan something fishy like fishing on the sea next month without you” he whispers while teasing you.

“No way, Dad won’t leave me behind” you whisper back to him.

“Yes way” he says before kissing you.

It starts slow and steady. The ten minutes requested by Yoongi has passed but you don’t really care. You have enough time to get ready before 1 night and 2 days trip for Lunar New Year to your parents’ home. His fingers touch your skin softly under your t-shirt.

“Yoongs”

Yoongi stops kissing you and puts smirk on his face.

“We should stop, right? We can’t let your parents waiting” he says before kissing your forehead and gets up. You can hear his laugh when he walks away.

“Min Yoongi!”

You stay on your bed, looking at the ceiling. Somehow, you feel more tired after waking up. You may expertise in taking a deep breath now. It helps you holding in your tears. Your phone ringing shatters your scrambling thoughts. You don’t want to let your hope up but deep inside, you pray you’ll hear something from him in every single call or text anyone made to you.

“Hey, you’re awake?”

“Hmm. Any good news?”

You hear nothing for two seconds before he answers. You know he carefully picks his words.

“I’m sorry but I have nothing for that. But Mom tells you to come today. Dad just bought a fresh tuna this morning, randomly. So, we’ll have sushi party”

“Joon, I-“

“This is a compulsory, no refusal is accepted. I’ll come at ten so get yourself a good bath and breakfast”

“Okay, thanks Joon”

“It’s nothing. See you”

You’re not moving from your previous position for another 5 minutes before getting ready. You look at your pictures with Yoongi, smiling widely to each other.

“I miss you”

On the other side, Namjoon exhale a deep breath. He massages his temple. Honestly, it pains him to see you like this. You look soulless and pale, your smile never reaches your eyes. He keeps you on his watch because he’s worry, because no Yoongi is around for you. He sips on his morning coffee and open the message app. There’s one particular message that he keeps coming back to.

N: Do you love her?

Y: I do. You know I love her more than anything, even my own life

N: Then stop torturing her

N: If you can’t make her happy, I will.

Namjoon smiles when he sees you. He hugs you when you arrive at his car. He’s the one who knows the whole story between Yoongi and you.

“Come on, the tuna is waiting” he says, making you smile.

You and Namjoon are friends for the last 3 years. Joining the book club at the city library might be the best decision you made that year because you met Joon there. You were amazed at his choice on books and the thoughts after reading it. You always know he is the smartest man you’ve met. He surprises you more when he said he also makes music and writes his own lyrics. There’s no such thing as a perfect man in real life, it’s only happened in drama. But then Namjoon exists to prove you wrong.

You spent more time with Joon outside the book club. He treated you so well like the gentleman he was. After knowing each other for a year, he often took you to his studio. Just when you thought you have a crush on him, you met Yoongi. Joon were working on collaboration projects with two talented artists, Hoseok and Yoongi. You saw it somewhere in the online community website that the infamous three rappers would do a collaboration series by spoiler from RM. It was definitely huge thing and everyone was waiting with high expectation. As you figured that Joon was RM, you notice that Hoseok was J-Hope and Yoongi was SUGA. After that, you often met them at Joon’s studio and got closer.

“So, Mom and Dad are trying to be Japanese sushi chefs right now, with Jungkook as their assistant. Basically, they trust Jungkook and his youtube’s manual”

You laugh with him. You can imagine the situation of his parent’s house right now.

“He’ll be saying ‘you can trust me on this’ while watching how to slice tuna belly on youtube”

“That’s exactly what happened”

You feel thankful to Namjoon. He’s not giving you the pity looks that you’ve got from others. He’s the first person you ask when Yoongi went missing. But Yoongi is not in Joon’s studio or home. You also come to Hoseok’s place but he’s just as clueless as you.

“Welcome! Welcome!” shouts Jungkook when you step inside the house. You can’t help but laugh at him. Mr. & Mrs. Kim come out from the kitchen and strike a pose with Jungkook. They wear similar scarf on their head and black apron on their waist. You clap your hand excitedly and make them feel proud.

“Let’s move to the dining table before Jungkook eats them all. He keeps making excuses that the cutting line is not good enough before dump them to his mouth”

“Mom, I want to give Y/N noona the best sushi only”

“Do you believe that?” asks Joon to you.

“I highly doubt it”

Your answer makes Jungkook looks at you with his large doe eyes. Before he can protest, Mr. Kim rushes us to go and get ready to eat.

Y/N noona is fine. Looks tired but still fine. Hope you’re here with us.

Message sent

[D-30]

You sit lazily on his sofa, seeing he works hard through his back. You can hear him humming to his new song. You smile to yourself, enjoying this Yoongi. When you come to his studio, he always let you to hang around. He will ask your opinion to the music he made, but it’s never love songs. You, once, asked him why he never let you hear any of his love songs. You remember he smiled.

‘Remember when I accidentally stand behind you when you write? What did you do then?’

‘I tell you to not look because it’s not finished yet and… I’m too shy to let you, the source of my idea watching me work’

‘That works the same with my love songs. I can’t present it to you unfinished’

He is working on his mixtape which will be released a month from now. He wants it to be perfect so he does it very carefully.

“Babe”

“Hm?”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“Just order the food and eat here, okay? I’ll be finished soon” he says. But he has been saying the same thing for an hour and half now.

“Okay, but you’ll have to eat with me”

“I can’t, baby. I’ll eat later”

You stand and walk to him. He has no intention to get rest even for a minute. You know this is very important for him, but you don’t like to see him having lack of sleep. You know he’s been skipping meals on most days but he won’t tell you that.

“Stop skipping meals… at least when I am here, will you?” you say, almost whispering. You want him to do as you say but you don’t want to argue with him. Not when he needs much time to focus.

His fingers stop working. He sighs and turns his attention to me. He looks tired.

“I’ll try my best to eat and sleep between the breaks, okay?”

He tries to reassure you and you can only nod.

“I know Joon snitching to you, but he’s just exaggerating”

Yoongi stands up and opens his arms for you. You settle yourself on his embrace. He’s the one who sets you in worry, but he’s also the one who can put you at ease. Yoongi is your person. You never feel this way with other people including your exes. He is special.

“Let’s just go home, then eat and cuddle. I can always overtime start tomorrow anyway”

You just give him your bright smile as approval and making him showing you his gummy smile. You always think you are perfect for each other.

Sera waves her hand in front of you, pulling you back to the current time. The time with no Yoongi around you, the time that pains you much.

“Eat more, okay?”

“I will”

You take another spoon of rice and continue to eat. Your colleagues resume the conversation. You try to keep up with them and give responses.

“Will Namjoon pick you up again today?” ask Hyojoon.

“No, he’s busy. Why, you miss him already?” tease you to her. She blushes and it looks cute to you.

“It’s not like that” defends her.

You and Sera laugh, satisfied with her reaction.

“It’s fine. Namjoon is attractive man, it’s very normal to put your interest in him. I can promote him to you all day long if you want”

“Y/N~”

They know about Yoongi and they always try to help you in any way. Sometimes you can feel their pity but they try their best to hide it. You still feel grateful to have them.

“But honestly Y/N, have you and Namjoon, you know, crush on each other?” asks Sera.

“I think I admire him a lot since early of our friendship. But I don’t think we have that romantic feeling”

“Hmm you sure?” asks Hyojoon.

“Why are you asking? You really like Namjoon, huh?”

“I… I find him very attractive but I always feel he looks at you differently so…”

You only smile before responding to her.

“I have Yoongi, don’t you remember?”

[D-15]

Two weeks flies so fast for Yoongi, but feels so long for you. You barely meet him while living under the same roof. He is back when you sleep. Sometimes, you both greet each other in the morning, on the way to work for you and sleep for Yoongi. Other times, you don’t even talk. Yoongi often goes back to home looks annoyed. You can see his frustration and sour mood. He tells you to visit him less because he needs his full attention on his work. And now, he’s been sleeping on the studio for 3 days straight. You prepare his clothes and some snack so he can focus on working because you know how precious music for him. You want the best for him even though it may hurt you in the process.

You are a meter away from his studio’s door when it’s suddenly opened. You see Suran going out.

“Oh, Y/N!” Suran greets you cheerily, then hugs you.

“How are you, onni?” you ask. It’s been long time to see her after Yoongi’s first mixtape. You envy her for being great singer and work together with your boyfriend.

“I’m busy, but not as busy as your man”

We both laugh as knowing how Yoongi is.

“Are you working for this mixtape too?”

She shakes his head, and then stands closer to me.

“Yoongi is working another song for me, it will be on my album. But this is top secret so…”

She pretends to zip her mouth and asks me to do the same. She, then, cups my face and look at me so dearly.

“You’re so cute. Now, I won’t take your time, go lovey dovey with the lover boy”

You just laugh then wave at her. You punch the code of his studio’s door and come in.

“Do you leave something behind, noona?” ask Yoongi with bright tones. The tones that you haven’t heard for days.

You just stand there with a backpack of Yoongi’s clothes and other bag full of snacks. You try processing the studio’s appearance. You spot his jacket on the chair next to him, blanket on the sofa, cans of beer on the table with lipstick stain on some. To mistaken you for another woman mean you’re not the only girl who knows his password. The password he used to keep as secret.

As I’m not answering his question, he looks back and finds me standing awkwardly.

“Oh, you came? I’m thinking of coming home early today”

You try to be calm and not to dwell on things that might be not happened.

“Baby, are you okay?”

You put both of your luggage down. The tears are pooling on your eyes, threatening to fall. You can see Yoongi walks to you and you unconsciously take one step back. He stops and be on alert.

“I…”

Your voice won’t come out. The tears speak for you instead. Yoongi takes another step closer. You hold out your hand, telling him to stop. You really don’t want to hurt him with your harsh words when you can’t even think.

“I didn’t do anything that would hurt you, please don’t doubt me”

You try to stop the tears and listen to him but you’re too hurt to do that.

“We have to talk, I’ll answer all of your questions but you won’t listen to anything now”

Yoongi knows you very well. You both know you’re holding each other rage hidden to save this relationship. Fire and water. Yoongi is used to cool the hot-headed me down at most times. He puts my fire away when it becomes bigger and brings danger. But this time, it seems different. You can forgive anything but not cheating. You mention this to Yoongi on your early days together.

You look at him in the eyes, tears keep streaming down your face. You can see worry on his face but his jaw tense as if he’s angry. Is it your fault? Aren’t you allowed to be jealous?

“I’m going” you say walking back to the door.

“Y/N”

His voice stops your hand from turning the door’s handle. He sighs and speaks slowly.

“I’m not coming home tonight, or until you want to listen to my side of story”

You choose to leave him. You choose to not listen to him. The person who understands you the most, who loves you the most. You know you’ll regret it once you clear your head but your ego is too big to realize. You’re out of his studio without looking back.

You stare blankly at your window. The lights from the others buildings and houses feel so far today. You wonder, is Yoongi in one of them? Is he okay? Is he… happy? Single tear escapes your eye. You don’t want to give up on him, you don’t want to let him go. But if letting him away from you brings him happiness then you have no other options.

You sigh. Your phone buzz, a message from Jungkook comes.

Noona, hyung is coming back

(Heize Returns with “We Don’t Talk Together” Produced by SUGA and Featuring Giri Boy)

You open the news link as fast as you can. You read the whole article in seconds.

“You’re alive. You’re okay. Thanks God”

Your emotion is coming out at once. The relief, happiness, sadness, rage, and other unidentified emotions are becoming one. Your mental can’t bear all of them so you’re breaking down. You’re crying hard. It’s even harder than the day you fail university exam in your mother’s arms.

“Why don’t you say anything? At least read my messages. I’m worried to death, Yoongi”

You open the messages you sent to him. All of them are left unread, even until now. The world may not know what happened, but Yoongi has been missing from your world, from your life.

You keep crying until you tired and sleep on the sofa. You don’t know that the number 1 on your message has gone. Yoongi read all of your message while you are sleeping.

Namjoon’s thumb hovers over the call button. He wants to check Y/N’s condition after seeing the news. Heize is a big singer in the industry so it’s impossible to Y/N not knowing this. Part of him feels guilty for being greedy over her, but he just hate to see her being like this. He searches another name on his contact and dial the number.

“Let’s meet”

“Yeah, I have something to talk too”

“Where do you want to meet, Yoongi?”

Jungkook slams the door open. He looks at her brother with rage. How can his brother pretend to not knowing anything about Yoongi’s whereabout to Y/N when he knows everything. As he lives together with his brother for a year now, he becomes close to his friends. He knows his brother treats Y/N differently but he never think of another reason than Y/N is the only woman on their group. He’s sure his brother has another motive now. Is Namjoon crushing on Y/N? Is he the one who makes them separated? How can he stand seeing Y/N hurt like that? Jungkook keeps trying to contact Yoongi’s phone but it always fails.

“Explain to me, no excuses”

“Okay, but you need to calm down and sit”

Namjoon take a deep breath before explaining everything to his little brother. Jungkook respects him a lot as brother and musician, but he also see Yoongi as his mentor in music.

“Y/N and Yoongi got into big fight two weeks before D-2 was released. Yoongi stressed about the album, thought fight wasn’t really necessary. But Y/N thought Yoongi didn’t care about her and choose to shut her out from his life”

Jungkook listens intently, he doesn’t want to miss anything.

“It was just misunderstanding but it was critical for their relationship. Suran explained it to Y/N as she was the key of the fight but at that time Yoongi has gone missing.”

“But I work in the same industry, I know he’s there. I get his new number from the company. He comes to see Y/N from a far sometimes. But I don’t want to be involved further in their relationship”

“I loved Y/N, I did. I always tried to impress her, to make her laugh. But that was before she met Yoongi. The time I see twinkle in her eyes when she saw Yoongi, I knew the game is over”

“Is it really over, hyung?”

“I thought it would. I promised myself to be her bestfriend wherever she needs me. But when Yoongi gone and seeing her world broke apart, I couldn’t just sit and watch her”

Jungkook remembers the last song his brother release 6 months ago. The love song named Trivia: Love. The project collaboration with Hoseok and Yoongi. He still loves her. The feeling doesn’t stop in the past. It’s growing without his brother knowing.

I’m just human. You erode all my corners and make me into love.

Though the distance between I and U is long

F*** JKLMNOPQRST

I crossed all the letters and reached you

Look, mine and yours also sound the same

Though that doesn’t make me you,

I’d like to be a part of your book

I’d like to get involved in your novel

as your lover

“Why is my genius brother becoming an idiot?” ask Jungkook.

Namjoon just laughs. He thanks Jungkook in his head as he’s no longer mad. To be honest, Jungkook is his biggest supporter to keep doing music. If Jungkook turns his back to him, he thinks he can’t go far.

“I’ll talk to Yoongi. I’ll make sure he gives what Y/N deserve to get”

Yoongi sits in the meeting room with Heize, Giri Boy and marketing team members. They monitor the public response after the collaboration articles are out. One screen shows the comments on news portal and the other shows view numbers and live comments on the music video. The feedback is super positive and it brings relief to the team. Yoongi feels proud to himself. There’s one particular person he wants to share this feeling right now. Someone important in his life that is even more important than the life itself.

“The mixtape is getting the attention too, that’s great” says the head of marketing team. Yoongi offers them his shy smile.

“Exposure is indeed great, but I hope they like the music”

“I’m sure they will. This is Min SUGA PD we’re talking about” says Heize that supported by others.

“If this keeps going up, then we should really make another project” adds the manager.

“Okay. Let’s wrap it up now and schedule the team dinner on the next Friday”

The meeting is dismissed and Yoongi rushes to go to somewhere. He prepares himself for the worst but he won’t give up. He can’t give up. He will hold her hand until the end. He will run after her. He won’t do the same mistake. He arrives at the park not far from his old studio. Namjoon is there, waiting for him. Namjoon is his bestfriend but he is also Y/N’s. He will understand if Namjoon wants to beat him to death.

“Joon”

“Yoongs”

“I’m sorry I’m being a jerk this past month, but I… I can’t let her go. I can’t give her to you”

“I know”

[D-Day]

You keep monitoring Yoongi’s agency updates for his mixtape. Today, the countdown is supposed to be D-2. Two days before you can finally meet Yoongi and talk about everthing. You know your close friends are aware that something happened between you and Yoongi but you think it will be okay soon. You sleep less, hoping to see him coming through the door. You endlessly open and close your phone, waiting for his text or call.

You get new notification, informing the newest mixtape is out now. It’s quite a surprise but it means good news. You can meet Yoongi sooner than you expect. Out of happiness, you try to call him. This will be the first call after the fight, after two weeks.

“Please answer the call”

“The number you are calling-“

You keep trying to call him but you keep connected to his mailbox. You send some messages but no response. You try, and then you wait. You keep doing it, but you can’t reach him. You grab you purse and leave the home.

You stand in front of his studio. The bad memories come back at you. You push the pass code slowly, thinking Yoongi is inside. Thinking that you can finally meet him makes you nervous. The door is open and you rush yourself to go in. But no one’s there. No Yoongi, not even his equipment. He’s gone.

Yoongi arrives at the park not far from his old studio. Namjoon is there, waiting for him. Namjoon is his bestfriend but he is also Y/N’s. He will understand if Namjoon wants to beat him to death.

“Joon”

“Yoongs”

“I’m sorry I’m being a jerk this past month, but I… I can’t let her go. I can’t give her to you”

“I know”

“I really want to punch you when I see your text, but I don’t want to start a game that I know I’m going to lose. I should’ve gone to the gym with you and Hoseok back then”

Namjoon shakes his head and smile.

“The feeling is mutual. I stop myself from beating you up because I don’t want her to hate me more than she hates you”

They both laugh. They are brother after all.

“Thank you for being there for her. I’m ashamed to admit this but I don’t deserve her. I see how she’s not being herself and it pains me”

“She’s not giving up on you”

“I know and that’s why I want to come back with a better version of me. So I can tell people that I deserve her, I can give her happiness”

“You include me in that ‘people’ category?” Namjoon asks.

“Number 1 on the list” Yoongi answers with laugh.

Both of them sit in the silence. Too many things come across their minds. This will be the closure for Namjoon’s unrequited love, while new beginning for Yoongi.

“Just don’t do the same mistake, Yoongs. I’ll take her from you if this shit happens in the future and you, you’ll be the one who can’t see and hear anything from her”

“I swear I won’t repeat the same mistake so you can go and fall in love with someone else, not mine”

You open your eyes. The sun has risen so high to remind you another day has come. You thank God when realize that today is Saturday. You can avoid people from your workplace curiosity about your puffy eyes. You look at your phone screen. You really want to call him again but you’re afraid of the failure this time. You turn it on and open the lock. Almost every one you know sends you message but nothing from him. You have no energy to cry, so you just put it back and leave to the bathroom.

An hour later, you sit on your sofa again with you light lunch. You remember Namjoon always reminds you that whatever happens you have to stuff your mouth with food even when you don’t want to. You don’t aware that your phone continuously vibrates.

“Jungkook?”

“Noona, you’re home?”

“Yeah. Whats wrong? Are you… are you running?” you ask. Jungkook laugh and you hear his rush steps.

“Noona, meet me in front of your apartment. Hurry up! We don’t have much time”

“Hey, JK. If it’s one of your pranks I won’t fall for it”

“Noooo. I don’t do pranks again. Please believe me and come down”

You really have no energy to do anything yet Jungkook asking you to go out. You grab the black cardigan and layer it on your white t-shirt. It’s ends of June already but you always feel cold. Your wear glasses to hide your eyes. You bring your small bag and phone to meet Jungkook. If it’s nothing important, you swear you will give him a long speech. No more ‘I’ll forgive you because you’re cute’ again.

He brings you to the brunch café nearby. The café you used to visit with Yoongi. The last visit must be three months ago, when everything was still okay.

“Why we’re here?” you ask Jungkook who focuses on menu book. He doesn’t answer your question but calling the waiter. He orders 5 main dishes with 1 dessert.

“I want to try the dishes you recommend to me”

“All of them?”

“Yes, I can eat them all in one sitting. Besides, I have you here, so I have no worry on my plate”

“I’ve had my lunch” you say. Jungkook rises an eyebrow.

“Are you considering cereal with milk as your lunch? Oh please, noona. As the cereal mania, I’m offended”

You only laugh because you’ve got caught. You indeed just eat cereal for living these days.

Jungkook keeps babbling and you can only smile. You listen to his story and it does help to enlighten you. The food is coming one by one. When the last plate is placed, he cocks his head and look at you with his sparkling deer eyes. He asks me to eat with him and not to only watch him eating.

“Did you listen to the new song?” he asks. You stop for a while before looking at him.

“I slept early last night and woke up late”

“Would you listen to it?” he asks carefully.

You don’t answer his question and play with the food. You’re not sure if it’s the best choice to do.

“Would you give it a chance, noona?”

He begs to you with his eyes. He holds your hand, giving you strength to go on.

“I’ll be here. I’ll help you with anything”

Jungkook gives his phone and airpods to me. He encourages me to listen to it while he’s here with me. I take few deep breaths before click the play button.

I’m sorry, was I too harsh?

I’m way too fearless

I don’t know, I don’t know

Maybe I thought you’d comfort me

So I played hard to get

But when you’re not here

Everything crashes down

So with a blank face

I built a house

My footsteps are getting heavier

I can’t walk anymore

I can’t just let you go like this

But I can’t open my mouth

You listen to his melody. You listen to his lyrics. His song speaks to you. The key in relationship is communication but both you and Yoongi have failed. You two try to be considerate for the other person but it only pushes you away farther from each other. You look up at Jungkook, he gives you reassuring smile.

You’re back to the scariest place for you. His studio. Jungkook holds your shoulder from the back. You don’t realize that you are trembling. Your body remember the pain and it scares you.

“Everything will be okay” chants Jungkook repeatedly to make you believe him.

Your hand is still trembling and puts the code one by one. You remember what Suran tolds you.

‘We all know Yoongi is deeply in love with you so we kind of guessing his password. Then he officially tells everyone who is in the mixtape project including me for easy access. I’m sorry Y/N, I really am’

The door is open. Jungkook gives you another soft pat, supports you from behind. You take a step inside. You hear low sound of music. You can smell very familiar scent filling the room. All the equipment and decorations back to the room. You can see a figure sits on the chair looking at the monitor. You hold your breath. You’re scared that all of this is just your sweet dream.

“Y-Yoongi”

The man turns around. He smiles. Yoongi looks paler than the last time you saw him. His face looks thinner, dark circles appear more visible than before. He stands and walks to you.

“You came?”

“You’re here. You’re really here”

“I’m here. I will never leave again”

You really don’t want to cry. You’re tired for all the crying you did these months. He opens his arms widely, ready to embrace you again. He regrets to ever think leaving you will make you happier. He is in deep resentment to think he can live normally without you beside him.

“I’m sorry” says Yoongi softly. You hug him tight, you’re afraid he will disappear to thin air.

“No, I’m sorry”

Yoongi lifts my face to look at him.

“It takes me too long to be confident in being your boyfriend. I punish myself for being a fool to hurt you like that. But I just hurt you more”

“I shouldn’t doubt you that day. I can’t bear myself with the thought of losing you”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I should’ve told you everything. Do you forgive me?”

You nod and hug him again.

“We make mistake, but we learn from it. We will make a new beginning and be together forever”

Yoongi fills you in for the days he absents from your life. How he tried to focus on finishing the mixtape album, how he gave all the best that he can for Heize new song, how he barely lived without you. You don’t miss the chance to punch his arms or chest whenever you think he’s an idiot. He takes it all, he thinks he deserves more than just light punch from you.

“Honestly, I’m afraid that you won’t take me back. That you start to think Joon is better than me”

“Hey!” you slap his chest. He laughs.

“I trust you but I don’t trust Joon. He had crush on you before you meet me, you know. If we didn’t meet, maybe he is the best person for you to be with”

“It’s all in the past, right? I hope Joon meet someone who loves him sincerely”

Yoongi pulls you to him, pastes your back to his chest. He hugs you tight and doesn’t answer your question. He is actually very scared to lose Y/N to his bestfriend. He doesn’t want you to know that Namjoon is still crushing on you. He, once, thinks that Namjoon loves you as much as he does.

He kisses your temple every time you stop talking. You find it cute and crave him more. You turn your head to him and kiss him on the lips. He just smiles.

“I miss you”

“I miss you more”

“Not sure about that. I miss you more than you miss me”

You love this Yoongi. No, you just love Yoongi and being with Yoongi, whatever side or color of him he shows to you.

“Can I meet your parents tomorrow?”

“My parents? Why?”

You fully turn your body to him. You feel nervous and nausea waiting for him answer. You are the fire and he is the water. When you easily pop small tantrums, Yoongi is very calm and gives you another insight.

“I need to talk to them, it’s very important”

“Should I, I don’t know, prepare something or anything?”

“No. Your presence is enough”

You finally sleep in peace. No more nightmares or waking up in the middle of the nights. You sleep so comfortably with Yoongi beside you. Both of you made a promise last night, to communicate better so you can understand each other better too. You promise to yourself, to not give in to your negative thoughts. You leave Yoongi who sleep soundly to make breakfast.

You inform your parents about your arrival. Your mom and dad are home, waiting for you and Yoongi. You can see Yoongi is more nervous than usual. You think that he may still blame himself and feel guilty to your parents. As much as your parents love you and be very protective, they won’t interfere your love live. They fully give the freedom to you.

You sit with Yoongi in front of your father after settling the drinks for the four of you. Your mother only smiles, while your father gives his scary face. Yoongi sit politely with his two hands upon his knees.

“Have you thought about it?” asks your father.

“Yes, sir”

You look back and forth between Yoongi and your father. This is the secret, the one that you asked Yoongi before. There’s indeed something between the men that you don’t know. You steal a glance to your mom, asking for the hint. Seems like you’re the only person who clueless.

“Then?”

“Please give your daughter’s hands to me. I may make mistake and being stupid but I will make her happy as long as she stays with me”

Your eyes go wide. You open your mouth just to close it again. You have so many things to say yet you can’t say anything. Your father smiles, half smirking, to Yoongi.

“Take you long enough, son”

#bts fanfics #bts fics #bts x reader #bts x you #suga fanfics #yoongi fanfic #suga x you #yoongi x you #rm fanfics #namjoon fanfics #rm x you #namjoon x you #bts fluff #bts angst

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builder051 · 7 years ago

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Stay with me, we’ll take the night (MCU Captain America fanfic)

This is a re-post from AO3. I’m putting up a story (or a chapter) every day to share my already-written work with Tumblr.

This is part of my powers/no powers choose-your-own-adventure ‘verse. It’s up to the reader whether the characters are superheroes or just regular folks.

Trigger warnings: vomit

This is also a story about how much I hate the 4th of July.

___________________________________________________________________

Steve’s pulling the groceries out of his bike’s saddlebags when he hears it. A loud whoosh and explosive boom that’s much too close for comfort. He ducks instinctively and panics that he has just about nothing but a plastic bag of burger buns for protection before reality kicks in.

It’s Steve’s birthday. It’s the 4th of July. It’s a firework. Duh.

Now that he’s back in his driveway instead of in the midst of battle, Steve hears the high-pitched laughs of the kids messing around in the patch of grass beside the row of townhouses across the street. It’s all of about 2:30 in the afternoon, so Steve’s at a loss for why they’re doing this now.

None of my business, he tells himself as he extracts the last grocery sack from his saddlebag and starts for the front door.

But it kind of is his business. Steve’s already had his jumpy moment at the sound of a Roman candle. This is exactly why he’s not thrilled about tonight’s planned festivities.

“I’ll be fine,” Bucky had insisted. “It’s your birthday. We should do something.”

“I don’t know…I’m not sure it’s the best day to try to celebrate…” Steve’d hedged.

“We could invite Sam over. Have a cookout or something.”

And Sam had called Nat, who’d called Clint and Laura, who’d called Tony…

So five adults and two kids are supposed to come over to celebrate Steve’s birthday on what’s probably the worst day of the year for folks with PTSD.

Steve’s worried. The living room and backyard are barely big enough to house the small crowd, the mini charcoal grill Sam’s promised to bring over is probably an insult to masculinity in general, and Steve’s not good at letting loose. There’s probably one six-pack of Heineken in the fridge, so he hopes everyone either brings their own bottles or is ok with a dry night. He’s not eager to head back out to the store and try to carry a full bar back on his bike.

More than that, though, he’s worried about Bucky. And when he gets inside, he knows he’s right to be concerned.

Steve sets the groceries down on the kitchen counter and immediately sees what’s wrong with this picture. There’s a plate with half a sandwich on it and a big wad of crumpled plastic wrap beside it. The translucent silver roll is on the floor, and the box nowhere to be found. The kitchen radio is hanging by the cord, dangling off the counter and in front of the lower cabinets, the plug miraculously still in the wall. It’s emitting static over what sounds like Party in the USA.

“Buck?” Steve asks, quickly shoving the packages of burgers and hotdogs into the fridge and glancing around for Bucky.

“Hmph.” It comes from the living room, where Bucky’s face down on the couch with his arm folded over his head.

“Hey,” Steve says softly. He sits on the edge of the coffee table. Steve notices the trembling of Bucky’s fingers as they press over his mussed hair. “Can I touch you?”

“Huh.” It’s almost the same muffled sound as before.

“Ok,” Steve says. He kneels between the table and couch and presses gently between Bucky’s shoulder blades. “You’re safe, ok? You’re with me.”

Bucky heaves a deep breath in and out. He rolls onto his side to face Steve.

“Hey,” Steve says when they make eye contact. Well, barely, since Bucky’s squinting through his lashes.

“Hey,” Bucky groans.

“What’s going on?”

“Head fucking hurts,” Bucky says. “And I keep hearing shit…”

“Aw, babe,” Steve whispers sympathetically. “It’s the kids across the street. They’re shooting off their fireworks already. Probably breaking a million city ordinances…”

“Yeah, I figured,” Bucky says. Steve’s not sure he’s telling the complete truth, though. His eyes have that glazed flashback look even though they’re still half-lidded. “I think I broke the radio.”

Steve glances back into the kitchen where the radio is fuzzing. “Actually, it might be ok,” Steve says. “The tuner’s just knocked off, I think. Were you looking for your station?” He chooses not to remind Bucky that his preferred 60s, 70s, and 80s rock station is programmed into the pre-sets alongside NPR, ESPN, and classical piano, so there’s no real reason to use the tuner. Ever.

“Yeah,” Bucky mutters. “Every station’s playing fucking Justin Bieber…”

Steve tries not to laugh. Admittedly he feels the same way sometimes, which is why their radio has pre-sets…

There’s another sizzling boom from outside.

Bucky draws his knees into is chest and squeezes his eyes shut.

“It’s ok,” Steve soothes, as much to himself as to Bucky. “It’s those damn asshole kids.”

Bucky nods into the couch and doesn’t open his eyes.

“Do you still want your music? Or would that bother your head?”

“Yeah. Music,” Bucky grunts.

“Ok. I’ll get the radio fixed up here…” Steve pats Bucky’s shoulder.

It takes just a few seconds to get the radio back on the counter, adjust the volume, and select the pre-set for 104.7. Music fills the room.

Shootin at the walls of heartache

Bang, bang

I am the warrior…

“This ok?” Steve asks, hoping the lyrics aren’t inducing more flashbacks.

“’s fine,” Bucky says.

Steve turns to the half sandwich. “Can I put this away? Your lunch?” he asks.

“Yeah. Think the cling wrap’s broken too…”

Steve smiles and shakes his head. He rescues the roll from the floor, tears off a sheet, and neatly stretches it over the half-sandwich.

When he puts the plate in the fridge, Steve re-organizes the barbecue supplies. He separates the hotdogs and burgers, lines up pickles and condiments in the fridge door, and stacks buns on the counter. The fluffy white bread starts to look more and more hopeless under his hands.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve says, striding back into the living room. “We don’t have to do this.”

“Hm?” Bucky asks, cracking his eyes open as Steve squats in front of him.

“This thing, tonight. We don’t have to do it. I can call everyone. It might be better.”

“No,” Bucky says, propping himself up on his stump arm. “No, it’s your birthday. I’m gonna be fine.” He undermines himself by scrunching up his forehead and bringing his hand up to scrub his eyebrows.

“Hey, if you’re not feeling good—”

“I’ll be fine.” Bucky comes up to a seated position and slouches into the couch cushions. “We’ve got time.” He squints at the clock, but that doesn’t seem to be working, so he flicks his gaze out the window instead.

Another loud pop comes from the vicinity of the front yard. Bucky pales. “Yeah, I’ll maybe just go to bed for a while.” He gets to his feet and starts for the bedroom.

“Can I get you anything? Excedrin or something?” Steve asks.

“No, just, keep on, whatever you’re…” he trails off. “I’ll be fine, Steve. Stop worrying.”

Steve sighs as the bedroom door closes. He thinks about calling off the barbecue anyway, not for Bucky but for himself. He’s just not in the mood to celebrate anymore. He doubts he even was in the first place.

He’s halfway to pulling out his phone to call Sam when Steve changes his mind. Bucky’s determined to have this shindig, even if he has to screw up his eyes against his migraine and muddle through it. Steve owes it to him to try at least that hard. And Bucky’s right, they do have time before the gang’s scheduled to arrive around 7:00.

Steve digs a sharpie out of the junk drawer and tears a sheet of notebook paper out of a random spiral and scrawls: Please No Fireworks. PTSD. Thanks.

He tapes the makeshift sign to the front door and gives the kids a good glare before he retreats inside and locks the deadbolt. It might not do any good, but at least it’s something.

The radio’s long since dissolved into Michael Jackson, but Steve still hears the echo of Patty Smyth. I am the warrior…

Steve flops down on the leather couch, which is still warm from Bucky’s body heat. He’ll be fine. They have time. Steve closes his eyes and tries to relax.

Steve jolts into awareness when the doorbell rings. The orange light of sunset is streaming through the window, and the clock is showing 7:04. The 4th of July. The barbecue. Shit.

The doorbell rings again, and Steve stumbles off the couch to answer it.

“Nice sign,” Sam says when Steve swings the door open. “But not sure it’s helping.” He jerks his thumb over his shoulder at the herd of neighborhood kids, which has approximately doubled in size. They’re lighting off small fountain fireworks that are, blissfully, quiet.

“Yeah, well,” Steve grumbles. “Come on in.”

Sam follows him through the door. “You ok?”

“Yeah, sorry, I just woke up,” Steve admits. “Buck wasn’t feeling good, and I was trying to give him some space, but I guess I fell asleep.”

“Is he ok?” Sam asks. “We don’t have to do this if your boy’s sick.”

“I think he’s ok, he just had a migraine. Kids weren’t helping,” Steve explains. He eyes the grocery bag dangling from Sam’s fist and the mini grill under his arm. “You can dump your stuff in the kitchen. I’ll go wake him up and see how he’s doing.”

“Hey, you sure you’re ok?” Sam asks again.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just groggy,” Steve says. “I’ll be right back.”

He knocks on the bedroom door before turning the knob. There’s no response.

Steve opens the door with a creak. The quilt on the bed is crumpled from Bucky lying on top of it, but there’s no other sign of him.

A warm breeze drifts through the room, and Steve realizes with mounting horror the window beside the bed is open, and the screen is popped out.

Steve stands at the foot of the bed and holds onto his last shred of hope that Bucky’s still in the room. Perhaps he just wanted to let in the breeze.

A snap and a crackle float in from outside…Not loud, but unmistakable. Those damn fireworks…

“Bucky?” Steve calls. He peers around the door of the ensuite, but Bucky’s not there either. “Buck?” Steve checks the closet. More of the same. No Bucky.

The doorbell rings. Fuck.

Steve dashes back to the entryway where Sam’s letting Nat in.

“Hey,” Nat says, saluting Stave with the six-pack of beer in her hand. “I saw Tony. He’s trying to parallel park that monster SUV. And I think he brought Pepper.”

Steve doesn’t answer. He’s sure he has a panicked look on his face.

“He’s still not feeling good?” Sam asks

“No, I…” Steve starts. “I can’t find him.”

“What?”

“I—the window’s open. He’s just—he’s gone.”

“Huh? Slow down, start from the beginning.” Nat sets the beer down on the floor and grabs Steve by the shoulders, gently shoving him down at the foot of the staircase. She perches on the bottom step and balances his elbows in her palms. “Ok, tell me what happened.”

“Those jerks across the street, the kids,” Steve starts. “They’ve been at it with the fireworks since this afternoon. I left Buck to go to the grocery store, and when I got back he was all curled up with a migraine and probably a flashback or the start of a panic attack.” He bites the inside of his lip. “I mean, the sound was squirking me a little bit, I can’t imagine what it was doing to him. But Buck just kept saying he was fine, he just needed to lie down for a while.”

Nat hums out a sympathetic sound and rubs her hands down Steve’s arms.

“He went in the bedroom and I passed out on the couch for a while, and then Sam got here, and I went to wake him up, and now he’s…I can’t…” Steve trails off and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Ok, you’re sure he’s not in the house?” Sam asks.

“I didn’t check,” Steve admits. “But…he’s not.”

“Let’s give it one more look,” Nat offers.

She pulls Steve upright and they spend five minutes running up and down the stairs, opening closets, and shouting Bucky’s name.

The search is fruitless. Back in the entryway, Sam is greeting Tony and Pepper, and Steve and Nat are hatching a plan.

“We’ll split up and walk the block. We don’t really venture outside our little radius; he can’t have gone more than a mile or so…”

“I’ll stay in case he comes back. And for when Clint and Laura show up,” Pepper offers sweetly. She easily swings the cases of beer up off the floor and carries them to the fridge. “These’ll be nice and cold for when you bring him back.”

“Ok,” Steve sighs.

“Hey,” Nat says, squeezing his shoulder. “We’ll find him. Don’t worry about it.”

***************************************************************************************

Bucky trudges through the dusty grass and weeds of the empty lot and comes to rest with his stump arm and aching forehead against the warm brick wall of the pizza parlor. It’s creeping from dusk into darkness, and he’s lost track of how long he’s been wandering the outskirts of their DC suburb. Bucky just knows the pain in his head is ratcheting up into the territory of unbearable and the vision in his right eye is pretty much shot with neon white and yellow aura.

Pow! Sizzle…

The sound comes from several blocks away, but Bucky’s disoriented, can’t track the direction, and momentarily isn’t sure if he should move to dodge a bullet.

It smells like bread and tomatoes and cheese and garbage and smoke and gunpowder… Nausea filters up from Bucky’s stomach and down from his head, radiating into his jaw and down his shoulders. He heaves against the wall and vomits up something it seems like he ate a long time ago. Maybe back during the war.

Bucky’s hair falls into his face, and he retches again. He accidentally inhales his own bile and coughs explosively to clear his airway while neon colors swirl behind his closed eyelids.

“Are you ok? Are you sick?” The voice is high-pitched enough to grate on Bucky’s sensitive ears, but quiet and timid enough to keep from doing much damage.

Bucky dry heaves a couple times and turns his head to wipe his mouth on the sleeve of his T-shirt. The motion is dizzying, though, and he’s halfway to collapsing into his own puke when little hands latch onto his elbow and drag him a couple steps away from the brick wall.

Bucky lands on his hip and right hand, and he manages to seat himself and drop his head between his knees before the vertigo steals away all of his consciousness.

“What’s wrong with you? Do you need to go to the doctor?” The small hand pokes him in the shoulder. The left shoulder.

Bucky waits for the exclamation of panic that’s sure to follow the kid’s discovery, but it doesn’t come. Instead the voice just asks, “Does it hurt?”

Bucky grunts.

“Your arm? Or your, um…it hurts?” the voice asks uncertainly.

“No, my fucking head.” Bucky realizes he’s probably not supposed to swear when talking to this young-sounding person. “Sorry.”

“Is that why you barfed?”

“Huh?”

“’Cause your head hurts?”

“Hm. Yeah,” Bucky croaks out. He presses his thumb into his right eye socket in an attempt to mitigate the dizzying aura.

Another voice cuts across the empty lot. “Bella! Are you talking to strangers?” That voice sounds young too, but a little deeper.

The kid shifts on the ground beside Bucky. “What’s your name?”

“James,” Bucky says, anticipating the ear-splitting giggle that will come if he relays his nickname.

“No,” Bella shouts across the lot, away from Bucky’s ear. “I’m talking to James!”

It’s still loud, and Bucky flinches.

“Are you a homeless vet?”

“A what?” Bucky turns his head sideways on top of his knees so he can see the kid with his one working eye. She looks to be in middle childhood, with long dark hair and a red, white, and blue patterned sundress.

“Are you a homeless vet?” Bella repeats.

“No,” Bucky says, scrubbing his hand over his face again. “Well, kind of. No. I have a home.” Nausea’s starting to build again, and Bucky swallows the urge to retch.

“You should go home if you’re sick.” Sage wisdom from a kid.

“Yeah, well,” Bucky mutters. “I’m supposed to be at a birthday party.”

“You should cancel.”

“It’s at my house. For my…my friend. He, well, it’s actually his house.” Bucky’s not sure what he just said. Or if it’s coherent.

The kid’s way smarter than Bucky thought. “Your boyfriend?”

“Uh…”

“I’m eight, I’m not stupid,” Bella says defensively.

“I didn’t say you w—”

Another huge booming firework cracks through the quiet night air. Bucky throws his arm over his head and cowers under the explosion of pain. “Jesus—fuck…”

“What’s the matter? It’s just a firework.” She sounds matter-of-fact.

“God, I know,” Bucky says. “But it hurts. And makes me remember bad shit. Stuff.” The kid’s going to be thoroughly corrupted by the time she’s done talking to him.

“Like, the war?” Bella asks. “Like, Iraq and Vietnam, and like that?” The details aren’t quite there, but she’s essentially right.

Bucky nods into his knees.

“Is that how your arm…?” He can feel her hovering inches from his stump shoulder.

“You can touch it,” he says.

Little hot fingers glance off the hem of his sleeve and beneath it to train curiously across his scarred flesh. She quickly retracts her hand.

They’re quiet for a moment. Footsteps are running through the lot, toward the opposite end from where Bucky and Bella are sitting. Bucky squeaks his eyes open just enough to see a couple of kids, maybe a few years older than Bella, dashing around with sparklers in their hands.

“My big brothers,” Bella supplies, following Bucky’s squint. Then, “What’s your boyfriend’s name?” What is this kid’s endgame?

“Steve,” Bucky whispers.

“Does he love you?”

“Yeah,” Bucky sighs. If this is a guilt trip, it’s already working.

“Even with one arm?” Bella continues.

“Yeah…”

“Then he’s gonna love you even though you got sick on his birthday.” She sounds exasperated in a childishly adorable way.

“Yeah,” Bucky says again. “I know.”

There’s another shout from across the lot. “You gonna light one of these? Or just sit there like a weirdo?”

Bella looks carefully at Bucky.

“Go. I’m fine,” he assures her.

She gets up and bounds across the patchy grass and dust to join the boys. Bucky watches them for a second, then lets his eyes drift shut.

“Hey,” Bella’s voice says in his ear. Bucky ignores the pulse in his forehead as he looks up at her. She has a lit sparkler in each hand. “Here.”

She passes Bucky one of the illuminated sticks and kneels in the dirt across from him so their sparklers can almost touch.

*****************************************************************************************

“Bucky?” Steve calls as he jogs up the sidewalk toward the pizza parlor. There are kids playing with sparklers in the vacant lot beside the brick building. Steve’s about to ask them if they’ve seen a man with long hair and one arm, but as he scans their shadowy figures, he realizes one of the shapes seated in the dirt is a man with long hair and one arm….

“Buck!”

Bucky’s head lifts and turns toward Steve’s voice. His eyes widen in the dark, and the kid sitting beside him reaches up to snatch a sparkler out of Bucky’s hand so he can stumble forward into Steve’s chest.

Bucky’s sweaty and dirty and smells like vomit, but Steve doesn’t care. He swallows Bucky in his embrace, kisses his forehead, and whispers, “Hey, I’m so glad you’re here. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m…” Bucky starts. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine; it’s ok.” He squeezes Bucky closer. “I have to call Sam.”

Steve holds Bucky to him with one arm while he quickly gives Sam the good news and directions to the empty lot. As soon as the phone is back in his pocket, Steve moves so both he and Bucky can sit.

The little girl is still hovering, and after confirming that Bucky’s name is in fact James, she launches into the story of what happened. Bucky gives embarrassed cringes as the girl—Bella—emphasizes words like barfed and boyfriend.

“Yo!” Sam’s sprinting down the sidewalk toward them, Nat at his heels. Tony’s not far behind, and Steve can see Pepper, Clint, Laura, and the kids a few yards further back.

The adults collapse in a cluster around Bucky and Steve, and Lila and Cooper excitedly join Bella and her brothers with the sparklers.

Laura gives Bucky a thorough maternal shakedown, asking him how he’s feeling and pressing Excedrin and bottled water.

They sit there in giddy relief for a few minutes. Then, far down on the horizon, small bursts of red and blue start up. The fireworks display on the National Mall, huge as it is in DC, is tiny from their suburb up the hill.

The kids are pointing and oohing and ahhing. Steve can hear the booms, like rolling thunder in the distance. He glances at Bucky, who still looks sick. “Do you need to go home?”

Bucky’s gazing down at the faraway sparkles. He hesitates, then nods. “Right after the show...” He turns to look at Steve. “And happy birthday, by the way.”

#fanfic #mcu #captain america #powers/no powers choose-your-own-adventure #stucky #ptsd #migraines #emeto #sickfic #4thofjuly

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shitfics · 8 years ago

Text

One of These Nights (4/?); jongyu; pg

Jinki knows that he’s gay. What he doesn’t know is how to handle a crush on someone as entwined in the music industry as he is.

part 1 - part 2 - part 3

and here’s part 4! ^^ i’ll try and get this whole fic up on ao3 sometime soon as well. this part goes through hello era, up to swc 1, and ends with jongyu having to say some goodbyes for a while since shinee is beginning their japanese debut (2011).

also, fun note maybe: i imagine that in this au, jong got the inspiration for one of his early songs from the last scene -- i kinda wonder if it’s obvious which one, but hopefully y’all can enjoy it! there might be a bigger gap between this part and the next than there was between 3 and 4, because i haven’t started editing the next bit yet. ^^; but i’ll try to keep it MUCH shorter than the gap between 2 and 3 was, lmao.

***

Jinki can’t decide if he has the best luck in the world, or the worst.

The next time he goes to see Jonghyun, it's ten past ten at night, and Jonghyun isn't answering his door. Jinki sends another text message and stretches out his back, opening up a random phone game and prepares himself for a wait.

Two levels later, when the door finally opens, Jinki looks up from his phone, eyes going wide. His greeting is stuck in his throat, somewhere between the realization that Jonghyun is shirtless and the realization Jonghyun is wet.

"Sorry, I haven't finished getting ready yet," Jonghyun smiles, inviting Jinki inside. "I found a good melody, and I got caught up writing, and then I was humming the song to myself in the shower, and--"

"It's fine, hyung, I’m used to it." Jinki steps past him quickly. His nerves prickle at the extra warmth radiating off of Jonghyun's bare skin from the shower. He's always wondered if he'd catch Jonghyun half undressed, considering he’s usually behind schedule, but he hadn't expected it to be today -- or for him to be so far behind that he was only wearing a towel.

In an attempt to imitate his usual actions, Jinki takes a seat on the couch and leans over the coffee table, pretending to be interested in the new stack of books -- anything to avoid looking up. "How, uh -- how long do you think till you're ready?"

"Not long." Jonghyun trots in front of him, foiling Jinki’s plan to avoid looking at him, and glances down at the books. "Do you want to borrow one of these?"

Jinki grins stiffly. "No thanks. I can a probably read a few while you finish getting ready."

"I won't be that long." Jonghyun rolls his eyes and throws the towel from his hands over his head. "I just have to dry my hair and get dressed."

Jinki's eyes snap to the movement as if pulled by a string, face heating at every flex of Jonghyun's torso as he rubs at his hair. He tries to keep his attention up, on Jonghyun's face, or the little mole that rests between his collarbones, but the trail of dark hair leading from Jonghyun's stomach to the towel around his hips keeps pulling it downwards.

Jinki clears his throat and forces himself to look up, only to flush brightly when his eyes meet Jonghyun’s. He jumps for the first excuse he can think of for staring. "How is it that you work out more than I do, when I'm an idol?"

Jonghyun laughs, a pleased smile on his lips. "You're dancing all the time, you don't need to."

"Yeah, but that's cardio. You obviously lift, which I haven't really done much." Jinki sighs. "And Minho's convinced they'll want us to go shirtless for our next concept. I don't think I'll do it, but I'll still probably show my arms and shoulders more..."

"Hm." Jonghyun's eyes scan down Jinki's body. "You already have a good build right now."

Jinki flushes. "You think so?"

"Yeah," Jonghyun says. "I mean, if you're worried, you could always come work out with me -- I've been skipping way too many days to hang out with you since your rehearsals have started slowing down."

Jinki laughs. "I’ll think about it -- I’m just not sure I’d want to spend the time. I enjoy doing nothing too much."

"It's nice, isn't it?" Jonghyun grins. "Let me get dressed so we can get to drinking and doing nothing."

Jonghyun clutches his towel to keep it from falling as he walks back towards his room. Before he slips inside, he gestures for Jinki to follow, apparently not wanting to end their conversation. Jinki stops, hesitating at the threshold of the door until laughs. "You can come in, I’ll be dressing in the bathroom. There's nothing in here but my clothes and a bed."

That's the problem, Jinki thinks when he steps inside. My imagination has been bad enough without the details.

Even with that in mind, Jinki can’t help but look around the room while Jonghyun files through his closet. At least it keeps him from staring at Jonghyun while he’s shirtless.

The walls of Jonghyun’s room are dark, and the furniture is modern, the same simple mix of white and black that Jonghyun had used to decorate the rest of his apartment. An assortment of candles rests along the shaded window, with a select few placed on a small bedside table and the small set of dressers opposite the bed. If it were anyone else's room, Jinki might snicker at the deliberate sensuousness of the decorations, but in Jonghyun's, it just makes him smile as he imagines Jonghyun humming to himself as he pens new lyrics in the candlelight.

"Sorry again for making you wait," Jonghyun says, interrupting the image when he turns away from the closet back to Jinki. He throws a pair of jeans and a shirt over his shoulder and retreats to the bathroom. "I'll be right back, just have to put clothes on."

"Sure," Jinki says, throat tight as he watches Jonghyun leave.

The door clicks behind him, and he looks away from it quickly, unable to face it when he knows Jonghyun would be naked behind it.

He turns back to the rest of the bedroom. With Jonghyun no longer the center of his attention, Jinki's focus automatically shifts to the single point of color in the room, a large but simply composed photo resting on the mantle above the faux fireplace. The sunset shade of orange that predominates the image adds to the relaxing atmosphere of the room, but the subject of the photograph makes Jinki's heart race.

The picture is nearly close enough for Jinki to touch, but he has to do a double take of the image to believe what he sees -- the frame is predominated by the bare back of a shirtless man, resting on his elbow as he looks at what appears to be another topless man opposite him. After looking over his shoulder to make sure Jonghyun hasn't left the bathroom yet, Jinki steps closer to the picture and squints at the corner to read what he assumes to be a title: boys.

Jinki swallows. His English isn't the best, but he can understand that. His thoughts race ahead of him. Did the picture mean something? There’s hoping, and there’s being desperate, but...an image like that isn’t the kind of photograph he would expect to find as a centerpiece in a straight man's bedroom.

Jinki jumps away from the piece when the bathroom door swings open, turning quickly to Jonghyun and putting on an innocent smile -- he hopes he doesn't look guilty.

Jonghyun grins back at him. "I told you I wouldn't take long, but I decided to wear my contacts today, and that was a bit of a struggle. You all ready to go?"

Jinki nods absently, still preoccupied with his thoughts.

"Let's go then, I don't want to miss getting a good table." Jonghyun walks backwards toward the door, pointing at Jinki in challenge. "I'm going to beat you at billiards tonight, you should watch out."

Jinki shoves Jonghyun's shoulder, sending him stumbling. Falling back into their usual teasing should keep from thinking any longer about the photograph on the mantle. But when Jonghyun asks him to shut the door behind him, he steals one last glance, pausing to take imprint the bare shoulders of the boys into his memory.

It doesn’t feel real. He can't shake the feeling that tomorrow he'll doubt he saw it at all.

***

realjonghyun85: Hello~ Hello~

majingki: ...Hyung

majingki: How long are you going to use that joke TT

realjonghyun85: Until you make me stop!!

majingki: Well, I couldn't do that to you he he

majingki: I'm too happy you like the song that much ^^

majingki: You've played it a few times on Blue Night already, right?

realjonghyun85: Of course I've played it!!

realjonghyun85: My songs are still on that album too...

realjonghyun85: Promoting it benefits us both he he

majingki: You're so greedy hyung

realjonghyun85: Only because I want to buy you meals~

realjonghyun85: But you know I'm playing

majingki: I can always tell ^^

majingki: How are you hyung?

majingki: I've barely gotten to talk to you since our repackage promotions started TT

majingki: I miss you

realjonghyun85: I’m good

realjonghyun85: And I've missed you too Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: But you’re nearly done, right?

realjonghyun85: So we can meet more? ^^

majingki: Yeah we’re nearly done with our repackage

majingki: But I'm actually still kind of busy TT

realjonghyun85: Oh?

majingki: We're preparing something big...

majingki: I'm really excited for it

reajonghyun85: Something big?

realjonghyun85: Why are you being so vague...

realjonghyun85: Are you going to tell me what it is???

majingki: Hm...

majingki: Not sure

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah TT

realjonghyun85: Please?

majingki: No ^^

realjonghyun85: You can't just leave me hanging like that TT

realjonghyun85: You have to tell me!

majingki: Of course I'll tell you eventually

majingki: But I'd rather tell you in person

majingki: I want to see your face when I do~

realjonghyun85: Hmph, fine TT

realjonghyun85: I'll wait till then

realjonghyun85: But I'm not buying you anything until you tell me what it is!

majingki: Really hyung ... you would blackmail me like that? TT

realjonghyun85: It's not blackmail, it's incentive

realjonghyun85: So you should tell me whatever it is the first time we meet again ^^

realjonghyun85: You want something delicious?

realjonghyun85: You're hungry after your promotions, right? How about steak?

majingki: Fine hyung ... I’ll tell you right away when I see you

majingki: Let's meet soon

majingki: I really do want to tell you ^^

***

"You’re having a concert?" Jonghyun blinks at him, excitement already bubbling through from under his shock. "Seriously? SHINee’s first concert?"

"Our first concert," Jinki repeats with a grin, leaning over the table to whisper. "The first show will be in Japan, the day after Christmas."

"In Japan?" Jonghyun's eyes widen as he takes in the information. "Not here?"

"I don't really get it myself." Jinki shrugs and sits back in his seat. "I'm sure some people aren't going to like it, but I guess it kind of makes sense. We're launching our Japanese debut right after, and it's a good way to start things off."

"Mm." Jonghyun's finger runs a slow circle around his drink. "I keep forgetting that's coming up...or I'm trying to forget about it." Jonghyun sighs. "Even though you're usually busy, I've gotten used to having you around, you know? I don’t know what I’ll do with myself."

"Yeah," Jinki agrees in a quiet mumble. The excited buzz that had carried between them dampens, and Jinki watches glumly as Jonghyun traces his eyes absently around the restaurant. The pessimistic part of him is already convinced that leaving will put Jonghyun in the perfect position to find a girlfriend. Spending nearly a year away from home for their new Japanese promotions would be hard enough without that worry hanging over his head.

Thankfully, Jonghyun cuts the silence short. "Come on, let's not make this sad just because of what will come after -- you brought good news. Your first concert! Am I going to have to fight for tickets, or are you going to get me some?"

Jinki tilts his head, confused. "Tickets...for the concert in Japan?"

"I can afford to go," Jonghyun says with a shrug. "I'll just fly out and book a hotel for the weekend. Unless you'd rather me not?"

"No, it's not that. We're just having Seoul concerts a few days later, and those would be easier for you to get to."

"But the one in Japan is special, isn't it?" Jonghyun grins. "I figured you'd be having one here too, but I'd rather go to your first."

Jinki smiles. He doesn't want to encourage Jonghyun to spend that kind of money, but he's having a hard time hiding that he's pleased. "You're sure, hyung?"

"I'm really sure." Jonghyun reaches over the table to squeeze his shoulder. "Besides, I have a new reputation as a fan to maintain."

Jinki raises an eyebrow. "You're really getting invested in that, huh?"

"Of course," Jonghyun says. He leans forward, looking around the near-empty bar before he switches his voice to a dramatic whisper. "So, about getting a ticket..."

"I'll get you one, I promise." Jinki pushes him back with a wide grin. "You'll just have to worry about getting there."

***

Exhaustion weighs on Jinki’s bones the moment he opens his eyes to his blaring phone alarm. His knees are still protesting from the test of their stage entrance, and his arms are sore from the fall he had to break when someone had left a cord in a dark corner of the stage -- but it's not enough to keep him buried under the covers. The excitement of the upcoming concert takes the edge off his aches, and the knowledge that Jonghyun would be meeting him that morning has him jump out of bed to claim the shower before Kibum can even grab his toiletry bag.

After a quick rinse-off, Jinki rushes through drying his hair and doesn’t bother to style it with more than a brief comb-through. That would be taken care of by professionals later, anyways, and he doesn’t want to missing a minute with Jonghyun. He needs to make the most of the time he has left with Jonghyun before the months where his schedule will force them apart.

Jinki takes the elevator down the ground floor and steals a bench in the lobby. His leg bounces impatiently as he waits. A variety of guests filter in and out from the doors at the entrance, smiles and travel-worn frowns peaking out over their high collars and bundled scarfs that protect them from the chilly weather. Gusts of wind slip inside to his seat on the bench, and he shivers, readjusting his jacket as he peers out at the crowds. Jonghyun had said he'd get here about now...

A familiar leather jacket catches his eye, and he stands up, squinting through the small crowd at the entrance until he recognizes Jonghyun. When their eyes meet, Jonghyun’s lips pull into a grin. He pushes through the crowd, rushing meet Jinki at the bench, and stops just in front of him to catch his breath. "See? Told you I'd make it."

"I never doubted that you’d show." Jinki pulls Jonghyun into a hug. When he starts to pull back, he sees that the bags under Jonghyun's eyes are deeper than ever, and he can’t resist chastising him. "You didn't sleep at all, did you, hyung? You just stayed up all night before your flight."

Jonghyun shrugs. "I'll have plenty of time to sleep today while you're busy with rehearsals. I love Tokyo, but I've been here enough that I don't need to do sightseeing anymore."

"If you say so," Jinki says. He narrows his eyes when Jonghyun covers a yawn against his shoulder before stepping out of his arms. "...Just try not to fall asleep over breakfast, alright?"

"I won't, trust me! I'm starving. And I'm craving pancakes." Jonghyun fixes his bag over his shoulder and peers around the lobby. "Do you know where the restaurant is? They should have pancakes there...I did some research on the trip over."

"Yeah, we ate there last night -- I'll lead you there," Jinki says, eager to get out of the crowded lobby and sit so they can talk properly. Grabbing Jonghyun by the elbow, he steers him towards the restaurant, keeping his head down when they weave around the gathering bundle of travelers by the check out desk. He'd been so preoccupied with the thought of meeting Jonghyun he'd forgotten how public a hotel lobby could be, and he doesn't want to risk running into a group of fans without a translator to turn them away kindly.

Thankfully, they reach the restaurant without interference, and Jinki greets the waitress with his name and the time of the reservation he had booked last night.

"Wow, you planned ahead." Jonghyun's eyes crinkle in amusement, and he nods at where Jinki's fingers are still wrapped around his sleeve. "That excited to have me here, huh?"

Jinki snaps his hand back quickly, but can’t fight the flush that blooms on his cheeks. He doesn’t know why, but something about seeing Jonghyun in a new place is making it harder to keep his feelings in check and his hands to himself. His balance is thrown off, and in the lobby of the foreign hotel, the only tether to his usual life in Seoul is the pleasant buzz in his chest when he looks at Jonghyun. It's hard not to cling to that.

Now overly conscious of his movements, Jinki makes sure to leave extra space behind Jonghyun when he follows him to their seats. Jonghyun is his friend, and nothing more, so he needs to act like it -- he doesn't have liquor as an excuse this time, and he doesn’t want to ruin the memories of his first concert for a feeling he's already gotten used to ignoring.

But at the first smile Jonghyun gives him from across the table, Jinki's resolve weakens, and he smiles back despite the pinch it causes his heart.

After the waitress takes their orders, he places his hand near Jonghyun's to make sure he has his attention. "Thank you for coming to our concert. You know I wouldn't mind if you went to the one in Seoul instead, but you still came all this way...it means a lot."

"I wouldn't want to miss your group's first solo concert, Jinki-yah. It's worth it to me." Jonghyun leans forward and raises a brow. "And besides, I’ve heard rumors that you'll be singing some of my songs."

Jinki huffs and props up in front of his face to keep Jonghyun from reading his expression. "I'm not telling you anything, hyung. I want all the songs to be a surprise -- it'll be more exciting that way."

With a single finger, Jonghyun reaches across the table and tips down the front of Jinki's menu to stare at him until he's forced to look away to keep from laughing. Jonghyun grins victoriously. "Yeah, I can tell you're doing a song or two of mine. You're horrible at keeping things a secret."

"I’d say I’m good at it, actually." Jinki snaps his menu back up to hide his smile. Though Jonghyun probably expects that them to do one of the ballads he wrote for their last album -- and they were -- he probably wouldn't expect Jinki's solo song to be a cover of a song he wrote for a different artist years ago. That was going to be a surprise, he's sure.

The waitress returns a short moment later with their drinks and pancakes, and Jonghyun thanks her briefly. "How are you enjoying Japan? Are all the concert preparations going well?"

"We haven't really gotten to see much of Japan yet, we’re too busy," Jinki says. "And rehearsals are exhausting, but I’m not really noticing it as much as I thought I would. I'm too excited we're finally having a concert. I'm more bothered at spending Christmas night alone for another year...they always plan things right around it. I’d like to at least go see some lights or get a cake."

"You won't be alone though, right?" Jonghyun asks, plopping the strawberry perched atop his pancake into his mouth. "You'll probably still be rehearsing with your members."

"Yeah, I guess." Jinki frowns as he drenches his pancake in syrup. "But that's pretty much the same thing as spending it alone, you know?"

Jonghyun snickers. "Really? Spending Christmas with four handsome men can't be that bad, can it?"

Jinki freezes with his fork in his mouth. He stares at Jonghyun, then glances away, trying not to look uncomfortable as he hurries to finish chewing. It’s a joke, he knows -- Jonghyun had laughed while saying it -- but his pulse is still racing at the mere possibility that some part of him had given his sexuality away.

"Sorry, that was a bad joke, wasn’t it?” Jonghyun covers his mouth with his hand and clears his throat. “I shouldn’t try and be funny when I'm really tired. And the last person I talked to was my sister, and you know I have no filter around her."

"It's fine." Jinki shrugs, trying not to read too much into the wording of Jonghyun's apology. “I'm not offended."

Jonghyun looks up from his plate, stare suddenly serious. "You're really not?"

"Not at all." Jinki fiddles with his napkin in his lap to avoid Jonghyun's gaze. It's irrational, he knows, but he's afraid if Jonghyun looks at him for too long he'll realize the flush on the back of his neck is because the joke hit a little too close to home. Everything about the way Jonghyun had said his last question made it sound like a test.

Jinki fumbles for a change of subject. "So, hyung...you're heading back to Seoul right after the concert?"

"Yeah, the morning after." Jonghyun sighs. "I won't be able to go to your concert there, unfortunately. It cuts too close to Blue Night, and we're doing a New Year's special, and I have to do it live."

"That's fine, hyung. You coming here is more than enough. But you're at least coming to the afterparty, right?"

Jonghyun blinks. "Am I allowed to?"

"Of course you are! I’m inviting you." Jinki smiles. "I already told them I'd have a friend coming. My parents are going to the Seoul concert, so it really isn't a problem."

"I'll be there, then.” Jonghyun grins. “I can't stay too late, but I don't want to miss seeing you all excited after your concert...I'm sure that'll be fun."

***

Somehow, the lights in the hallways backstage feel brighter than the ones they had performed under. Jinki blinks away his last image of the crowd as he tries to adjust to the glaring white walls and drags a sniffling Kibum along with him back to the dressing room.

After bowing at a dozen staff members, they finally reach the quiet room, and Jinki pulls the rag out of his pocket to dab at the the tears still on Kibum’s cheeks. "You going to be alright, Kibum? Don't cry too hard, we have to sing again in a few days."

"I'm fine...just happy we made it here." Kibum laughs and wipes at his eyes. "Shit, I hate crying like this."

"We deserve to get a little teary." Jinki squeezes his shoulder. "Better to get it out now than when we're celebrating."

"Yeah. I still can't believe we--" Kibum yelps when Minho and Jino suddenly surge up behind him with linked arms and grapple him until he's forced into the middle of their hug. With little luck, he tries to squirm out of it, but only manages to pop his head up from between them with a scowl. "What the hell is your problem?"

"You're crying so much, we wanted to comfort you." Kibum's expression softens slightly, and Minho lets him go with a grin. "We're going to sneak out the back soon with the managers. They already reserved that restaurant for us, so we just have to get in the van."

"It's gonna be great." Jino swings out of their huddle, but keeps one arm around Minho's waist. "We're going to drink so much."

"Hopefully." Jinki pulls out his phone and immediately pulls up his chat with Jonghyun. "We’re going to the same restaurant they were talking about last night, right? I wanted to invite Jonghyun along with us."

"Yeah, it's that one." Jino leans towards Jinki's phone to try and get a peak of his screen, but gives up when Jinki tilts it away. He sighs. "I still can't believe he came out all the way to Japan for our show, even if we are doing some of his songs. How'd you get him to do that?"

"You know we're friends...it’s not like I had to drag him here or anything," Jinki says, trying not to flush. "Working with SM just opened up a lot of opportunities for him, so probably means a lot to him that we were doing his songs live."

"Well, we'll sing them again for him once we're drunk. He'll never get a show like that in our concerts."

Jinki rolls his eyes, choosing to ignore that comment when he hears a ping from his phone to let him know that Jonghyun has responded. With the verification that Jonghyun will meet him there shortly, he tucks his phone away and allows the other members to drag him away to the van.

As the adrenaline of their concert fades from his system on the ride to the restaurant, his nerves take over, and a part of him begins to worry that Jonghyun hadn’t yet given his opinion of the concert for a reason. What if he didn’t like the arrangement they’d used of his songs? Or thought Jinki breathed in the wrong parts? Or that his voice was too warm for the old song he’d chosen?

By the time they arrive, Jinki’s palms are sweating, and he grabs the first seat he sees that will give him a good view of the entrance. Taemin sits next to him and chatters away, apparently not noticing Jinki’s nerves or the fact he keeps one eye on the door, but his presence is comforting enough that when Jonghyun finally arrives, Jinki manages to greet him with a smile.

Jonghyun pulls off his hat and gives him a small wave, then circles his way around the table to say hello to the other members and staff. After finishing his last introduction, he pushes his way back to Jinki to squeeze into the seat across him. "Looks like everyone already got started with the drinking, huh?"

"Most of us, yeah." Jinki reaches for the nearest bottle. "You want me to pour you one, hyung?"

"Sure, thanks." Jonghyun unwraps his scarf and pulls off his jacket. "Hopefully it'll warm me up. It’s about to snow outside, I can feel it."

"It'll help." Jinki keeps his eyes on the cup as he pours out the drink, still nervous -- Jonghyun still hasn't said a word about the concert. When Jonghyun’s fingers brush against his as he takes the cup, his stomach does an extra flip, and he finally meets Jonghyun’s eyes with a heated flush across his cheeks.

"Sorry for not talking about the concert yet, I wanted to wait to see you in person--" Jonghyun turns his head to take the drink in one quick swallow, then sets down the empty cup and grins widely. "You were amazing. The whole concert was incredible. I might have cried a little, at the end...and when you did my song. You didn't warn me about that."

Jinki shrugs, trying to play it off, and refills his glass for him. "I figured you'd know, since it was one of the ballads, and you already guessed that we’d be doing it."

"I expected you to sing one of my songs from the last album, yeah -- and you did really well at that -- but you know I mean the one you did for your solo. Why didn’t you tell me?"

"Oh, that one..." Jinki bites his lip. He's been anxious to hear Jonghyun's reaction to that one the most. "Did I pull it off well?"

"I loved it." Jonghyun beams at him. "I really never imagined you singing Love Belt, since I wrote it before I thought I had a shot at working with SM artists, but it was a perfect fit for your voice. You should have asked me before using it, though."

"Why? Are you going to sue me for it, hyung?" Jinki teases.

Jonghyun laughs. "No, of course not. I'm honored you did it. I just wish you had given me the chance to make a special arrangement for you.”

"Next time, maybe?" Jinki smiles, heart fluttering when their gazes lock, but his attention bounces quickly back to the table when he sees his drink move. He frowns at the hand on the glass, recognizing it as Taemin’s, and pushes it back. "Really, Taemin? You're going to steal my drink while I’m distracted?"

"If you're not going to drink it, I don't see why I can't," Taemin says. "You let me drink back at home sometimes."

"Yeah, but that's different -- we’re in a different country right now. I don't want to start our Japanese debut with a drinking scandal," Jinki says, fully aware that Jonghyun's watching the exchange. He's not sure if the amused smile Jonghyun's wearing is for him, or for Taemin, but seeing it softens him up -- it probably wouldn’t hurt if he let Taemin drink a little.

Jinki sighs and pushes the glass a subtle inch over towards Taemin. "I changed my mind -- you can have some. Just don’t make yourself sick."

"I won't." Taemin grabs the glass with a grin. After turning his head to drink, he sets the now-empty glass on the table with a loud clink and coughs, mouth staying open as his face puckers from the bitter taste.

When Jonghyun laughs, Jinki grimaces, already regretting his decision. "Please don’t drink at that rate. You’ll definitely get sick."

"I'm just trying to catch up with everyone else." Taemin huffs. "I drink almost as well as you do."

Jinki rolls his eyes, but decides not to dignify that with a response. He doesn't want to open up a chance for Jonghyun to talk about the times he hasn't handled his liquor as well as he'd promised. As if reading his thoughts, Jonghyun smiles at him knowingly from across the table and pushes his own glass towards Taemin. "Here, you can have mine too. I just realized I probably shouldn’t have much since I have an early flight tomorrow."

Taemin smiles, voice as polite as he can seem as he snatches up the glass before Jonghyun can change his mind. "Thank you, Jonghyun-ssi."

Jonghyun shakes his head. “You don’t need to be formal, since I’m close to Jinki. You can call me hyung."

A spike of jealousy stabs at Jinki’s gut. He pushes his foot against Jonghyun's under the table. "Hyung, do you want to go outside?"

A shout as Minho bests yet another manager at arm-wrestling snaps Jonghyun's attention away from him just as he blurts out his question. He blinks widely, then turns back to Jinki with an apologetic smile on his lips. "Sorry, what were you saying? It's a bit hard to hear."

Jinki flushes. Somehow having to repeat himself makes asking Jonghyun for a moment alone seem more serious than he had meant it to be. "I was wondering if you want to head outside for a bit? I know it's pretty loud in here, and I kind of want to see the city..."

"That sounds good." Jonghyun looks at him warmly and reaches back to grab his jacket. "A walk would be nice, and we can grab some street food. I'll slip out ahead of you."

Nodding in agreement, Jinki mumbles an excuse about the restroom to his manager and grabs his own jacket and scarf. Bundling them until he can hide them behind his back, he waits for the clamor on the other end of the table to distract the last of their managers before slipping outside.

When Jinki opens the door and steps outside, Jonghyun looks up from tugging on his gloves. "Not bringing anyone else?"

"No..." Jinki trails off shyly and begins to put on his jacket. "I kind of wanted some time alone."

Jonghyun laughs and steps away from entrance, putting them out of view from the inside. "A little tired of your members?"

"A bit, and I'll be stuck with them for the next few months." Jinki grins guiltily. "I've had enough of them in the past few days alone.”

"I can imagine, with rehearsals and everything. But it paid off, didn’t it? Your concert was incredible."

"You've said that already." Jinki laughs laughs as he pulls up his face mask.

"It's worth repeating." Jonghyun begins to walk, leading the way down the street towards a long line of food stalls. "It was really nice to hear you all sing the song I wrote live."

"You've said that already too, when we were in the restaurant with Taemin."

"Yeah, well -- I wrote it with your voice in mind, and you're my friend. So it means a little more just saying it to you."

Jinki stops in the middle of the sidewalk. "You wrote it for my voice?"

"I mean -- I considered the other members too," Jonghyun waves his hands defensively as he corrects his statement. "But you have a really distinct color to your voice, you know? It makes sense to focus on that when composing. Haven't I said that before?"

"Kind of, I guess," Jinki mumbles. "Maybe I'm just processing it differently because I'm drunk..."

Jonghyun laughs and wraps an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him tight enough for Jinki to feel it even through the thick wool of his jacket. "I know you're not that drunk, Jinki-yah -- you didn’t drink at all after I got there, and your tolerance is way too high for you have gotten drunk before I did."

“Maybe.” Jinki leans into the warmth of the contact just before Jonghyun lets go and sighs. He wishes he had gotten to drink more before they left, but he didn't trust himself to mix post-concert adrenaline and alcohol around Jonghyun -- considering they were alone now, he probably would have wound up doing something stupid.

"Is there anything you want to try?” Jonghyun says, interrupting his thoughts. “I'll buy you something, since your managers covered all the food in the restaurant. I think you'll really like yakitori."

"Funny, hyung." Jinki rolls his eyes. "I know that's chicken."

"Well, do you want it or not?"

Jinki bites his lip and looks into the small little alley. Even out here, he can smell the food, which is more than tempting -- he'd only managed to get down small one plate of appetizers at the bar before he had jumped at the chance to sneak away with Jonghyun.

Jonghyun already looks triumphant before he opens his mouth, and Jinki sighs, knowing he's only adding to the long list of times he's chosen his favorite food over trying anything radically new. "That sounds good, hyung. You lead the way."

"I thought so." Jonghyun bumps his shoulder against Jinki's before stepping into the alleyway. As he walks ahead, he hums the last song from the concert, and there’s a small smile on his lips when he ends it just as they arrive to the food stall.

Inside the tarped entrance, there's not much room for space between them. The heat from the grill makes Jinki sweat under his bundled clothing the moment they step inside, but it's a welcome relief from the chill of outdoors. Jonghyun orders for them both smoothly in Japanese and pays, nodding politely and passing over his change when the cook hands them their plates.

Jinki waits until Jonghyun passes him the skewers to switch back to Korean. "You speak Japanese, hyung?"

"Just enough to get around," Jonghyun says, smiling widely at Jinki's shocked expression and picks up a skewer for himself and pulls a small piece of the chicken from the skewer with his teeth. "I’m not fluent enough to write lyrics in Japanese, but I can sell my songs here."

"You could have helped me with some of it before I came here. You know how bad I am with languages..."

Jonghyun laughs, covering his mouth. "Would you really want to spend our time doing that? Instead of drinking and everything else?"

"I guess not," Jinki admits. He pouts until Jonghyun gives a nudge that lingers long enough to feel more like he’s being leaned on.

His heart flutters light in his chest when Jonghyun finally pulls back to smile at him. He doesn't think Jonghyun had anything to drink -- he hadn't seen him order a single beer -- but this is touchier than he usually is sober, and it only makes him want more. Jinki takes advantage of the cramped space to press their knees together under the counter as they finish off their meal, and Jonghyun seems to accept that, because there’s a hand on his knee a minute later that feels warm enough to burn his skin all the way up to his cheeks.

There's no excuse to linger after their plates are taken back from them, but Jinki is reluctant to give up the contact. He keeps himself close to Jonghyun when they finally squeeze out of the stall and back into the alley, and his fingers dance nervously in his pocket when they turn onto the street and he stays just as close, shoulder half-brushing against Jonghyun with every step. He waits for a question, or for Jonghyun to move into the new space in the sidewalk, but all he gets is shy smile that strikes him quiet as they continue to back out to the street.

Neither of them mention heading back. Jonghyun walks them in circles around the same two blocks, humming an unfamiliar melody that Jinki assumes is a work in progress. There’s words stuck in Jinki’s throat -- words he can’t say, like how Jonghyun’s hair looks beautiful in the mix of moon and street lights, and words he can, like how much he’ll miss him and how he’ll text him often -- but there’s not nearly enough need to express them to force them past his throat.

All they'll have over the next few months is talking to each other, and what he'll miss the most is the simple presence of Jonghyun besides him. He has that now, and he doesn’t want to disturb it.

When a snowflake lands on his nose, leaving it cold and wet, Jinki stops. He reaches up to feel his hat, yanking his hand away when he feels that some of the knit is already damp. "How long has it been snowing? I somehow didn't realize..."

"Damn, is it? I wanted to stay out a little more." Jonghyun looks up at the sky and sighs. "I guess we should take you back to the restaurant, then...I don't want you getting sick before the Seoul concerts."

Jinki buries his face down in his scarf, hiding a frown. He wants to argue that he'll be fine, but he already knows he wouldn't win -- Jonghyun is too much of a worrier to let him risk his voice for a few extra minutes together. He exhales loudly in annoyance. "Do you remember the way back?"

"Yeah, I led us around the same routes for a reason," Jonghyun says. "I know how easily I can get lost."

They head backwards along the same path they’d been traced several times now, until Jonghyun changes a single turn to bring them back to the restaurant.

“Here it is.” Jonghyun says. He pulls his phone out his pocket and dials a number. "You can head inside, I'm calling a cab to take me back to my hotel. It shouldn’t be too long of a wait."

"No, I don't want you waiting out here alone," Jinki says. He crosses his arms and joins Jonghyun by the curbside. "It’s too late for me to just leave you here."

Jonghyun opens his mouth to protest, but decides against it when the service he’d been calling finally picks up. After giving his current location and the name of his hotel, he hangs up the phone and sighs. "If you insist on staying with me, I won’t stop you. Just go inside if your throat starts hurting, okay?."

"Sure, hyung," Jinki agrees, attention already on the street.

At every cab that passes, Jinki’s heart clenches, expecting each to be the one that will take Jonghyun away from him for the night. When he finally takes his eyes away from the traffic to glance at Jonghyun, he freezes, caught off guard.

There’s an expectant look to Jonghyun. Judging by the fact his eyes didn’t have to move at all to meet Jinki’s, he must have already been staring, and his lips are pursed, hands shoved fully into his pockets as he blinks away the snow dusting in his eyelashes.

He smiles warmly, half-shy, and Jinki smiles back. Jinki’s stomach flutters with hope -- he’s never seen Jonghyun smile quite like that before -- but it twists into a bitter knot before he can even think to do something with the emotion.

He tears his eyes away, biting his lip as he tries to gather himself again.

If he were a girl, he wouldn't hesitate to confess to Jonghyun, and he's even considering it still -- it's heavy on his tongue, held back only by a fear of what he might lose if he says them -- but he can’t say a thing.

He forces himself to meet Jonghyun’s eyes again, and this time, the smile Jonghyun gives him is stiff.

Jinki’s heart tightens again, and he tries to console himself with what he already has. At least he can enjoy the longing. At least he’s able to stand two-feet away from the man that makes him consider the possibility of risking his career.

At least he doesn’t have to worry about rejected, since he’ll never try.

He’s pulled away from his thoughts when Jonghyun inhales sharply and rocks back on his heels. "So, uh -- how long till I see you again?"

"We'll be back for our Seoul concerts, and I'm staying with my family for a bit." Jinki says. He looks down at Jonghyun's feet as he kicks them against the sidewalk. "But then we have recordings, and photoshoots, and interviews...a bunch of performances, too. It's kind of like we’re debuting all over again, so we’ll be busy."

“Ah.” Jonghyun bites his lip. "It'll really be a while till you’re back then, huh?"

Jinki nods. He's tried not to think about it or put it into numbers -- he hasn’t wanted to imagine going so long without seeing Jonghyun in person, and he hasn’t wanted to imagine what Jonghyun might do with his time instead -- but it really will be months.

A taxi pulls up besides the curb. Jinki’s heart stops. And suddenly, there’s arms around him, and he’s being squeezed from all sides as Jonghyun wraps around him in a tight embrace.

"You keep reading, alright? Don't forget the books I brought you. I’ll send you more if you get through them."

Jinki laughs, grinning wide to keep himself from tearing up. "Yes, teacher."

"Don't be a smart ass," Jonghyun grumbles. He pulls back and forces out a smile as his hands linger on Jinki’s arms. "I'm going to miss you."

"Me too," Jinki chokes out. He doesn’t trust himself with more words when Jonghyun's eyes are already brimming.

Jonghyun lets go, and steps into the open door of the cab.

"It'll only be a few months," Jinki says, hoping to lift the heaviness already weighing down on his chest.

"Yeah." Jonghyun nods and climbs into the back of the cab, now avoiding Jinki's eyes. He dabs at his own with the sleeve that peeks through the end of his jacket. "Good luck with your concerts and your Japanese debut, Jinki-yah."

“Thanks."

The door of the cab snaps shut. Jinki bites his lip and steps back. The car takes off in an instant, and he watches the red lights of the cab with a hole in his chest until it disappears out of view.

#jongyu #hyung au #long fic #this is the SLOWEST slow burn i swear to god #JUST KISS...#those photos in jongs room are gay #and the photographer has a lot of other...similar photos #remember how proud he was sayin he decorated his room himself lmao

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