#hitting two notches above my previous highest speed on the treadmill and then checking my heart rate and realizing it's not even that high
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dissociating at the gym is a great way to cope when you have a lot of nervous energy and/or emotions to process, but watch out bc sometimes the processing you need to do is cry
#i am still knocking loose emotions that haven't seen the light since 2017#it's weird. it's not bad. it's just. these emotional channels have been stopped up for ages and now i gotta flush the mold growing in em#also by “cry” i mean sit in the car n make kinda guttural noises because crying has never come easy to me and it's only gotten harder on T#OH YEAH that's the other thing#hitting two notches above my previous highest speed on the treadmill and then checking my heart rate and realizing it's not even that high#is such a mix of joy and frustration#it's like the fury I've heard adhd people describe when they finally get medicated and their brains stop fighting them#like yeah it's good but i wish it hadn't been so hard before#rrrrraaaaaaaaaagh!!!!#a few years ago before i transitioned or even really thought of it i was talking to a trans guy#who used to do a lot of welding. and he said something like. once he transitioned people stopped giving him shit/treating him like#he didn't belong in a welding shop#and it made him so angry he didn't want to weld anymore#which at the time i felt was kinda extreme. like if you love welding then who cares!#but. i kinda get it now. it's SO FUCKING INFURIATING to suddenly have things become easy#you kinda gotta take a minute!!!#(he did go back to welding btw)
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