#his whole thing. with hello neighbor was cool af too

[the-acid-pear]

Man the Ben and Ed ARG truly was Bersgamer peak

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 

[mintyjin]

neighbor au: choi youngjae

when you moved in, many of your new neighbors came by your apartment to say hello

you tried your best to remember their names and faces, but you just couldn’t

there were too many people and each meeting was exactly the same

“Welcome to the building! Are you a student? Oh, how interesting! Well, do stop by for tea someday soon!”

monotonous, boring, blah

you do remember one person, however 

about a week after you moved in, you were waiting on the elevator to take you back to your room when suddenly, a cotton ball attacked you

and then it barked 

ok, so it wasn’t a cotton ball, but a small, fluffy white dog

and it was adorable. like really. you almost started crying in the lobby 

“Coco, NO!” you hear, and then two hands reach down to pick the tiny dog up 

you’re like nononono it’s fINE i love dogs so much

but then you look the owner in the eye and woah boy 

you thought the dog was cute? the owner is giving you a religious epiphany 

he apparently doesn’t notice your jaw fall a little bit at how angelic he looks, especially with such a cute dog next to his face, and just says, “I’m trying to train her not to run wild as soon as I let her off the leash... it’s not going that well.” 

you pull yourself together and laugh and say, “She’s so cute, though! You can’t get that mad at her.” 

he’s like ugh,,,,,, you’re right... I would die for her

and he’s trying to act annoyed and scowl but his stern expression melts when his dog licks the side of his face 

the elevator doors slide open with a ping! and you both step inside, pressing your respective buttons 

the elevator is the slowest thing on the planet and for once, you’re grateful, because now you get more time with cute thing 1 and cute thing 2

“Um, I’ve never seen you around before,” he says, “Are you a new tenant or just visiting or???”

you tell him you’re new, that you just moved in last week

“Well, maybe I’ll see you around, then? I’m Youngjae, by the way. This is Coco.” 

“I’m Y/N! And yes- just let me know if you ever need a dogsitter because I just met her and I love her so much, it kind of hurts.” 

he laughs and he’s like ah, maybe you can walk her with me someday?

and as the doors slide open and you walk out, you tell him that sounds delightful, that you’re in 509 and are typically there after 6pm, so he should feel free to drop by 

with his dog, of course

and as the doors slide shut, you hear him yell, “See you soon!” as he waves goodbye with coco’s tiny fluffy paw

and you don’t really expect to see them again soon, but a few days later, you run into them in the hall

youngjae holding coco on a leash

and the little dog bounces up to you, pawing at your leg

you die. she’s sooooo cute is she real? youngjae are you sure she’s real? 

he’s like yes I’m sure cause she peed in the kitchen last night and it was disgusting 

but not even a minute later, he’s cooing over her as she flops on the ground for belly rubs 

you’re like youngjae, my man, make up your mind

another day, you were in your building’s laundry room when youngjae came in, toting a laundry basket 

as soon as he saw you, his face lit up

but you were like... no coco? 

he’s like unfortunately, she barks at washing machines

and while you’re there, both of your machines stop working 

you’re shaking yours and cursing under your breath

“stupid fucking sonofabitch machine-”

and he’s like hold up, new tenant, i’ve got this 

and he raises his palm and smacks the machine right in the middle of it’s lid with a loud cluak! sound

sure enough, it starts working

he does the same to his and again, it kicks back up

and he does all of this like it’s the most normal stuff in the world

as if you’re not astounded he knew the exact location to hit the washing machines 

and you’re like... hey youngjae,,,,, can I get your number in case the machines ever break on me and I have two broken hands and can’t hit them

he’s like,,,, sure, but if you have two broken hands, just ask me to do your laundry for you, ok???

and that’s so endearing awh omygoodness this boy is so cute 

he sets his name in your phone as “coco’s human” 

and instead of hanging around being bored while waiting for your laundry to finish, youngjae is like... wait here one sec... and then he dashes out of the little room 

comes back a few minutes later slightly out of breath with a bluetooth speaker in hand

“Let’s do karaoke!” 

“Youngjae, we’re going to get kicked out.” 

“I don’t see anyone else in here!” 

and that’s how you end up jumping around the laundry room singing into your phone, which you were holding like a microphone 

feeling a little silly because it turns out youngjae sings like a goddamn angel 

“This isn't fair, you’re so much better than me at this,” you joke

“Practice makes perfect, Y/N.” 

“Listen here you little-” 

he just runs away, laughing his butt off

and when your laundry is finally done, you’re actually kind of sad about it

but you pile all your clothes into your basket and youngjae walks you all the way back to your apartment

and a few days later, you get a text

“You seemed to really like Coco, and you offered to go on walks with us, so... do you want to right now?” 

yes, you do

“Great! You’re in 509, right? We’ll come get you.” 

he leads you out to this park near your building and the sun is only just starting to set and the scenery is so beautiful that it breaks your heart a little bit

youngjae just points out his favorite trail up ahead and coco is trotting at the edge of her leash, eager to go and explore 

and at first conversation is kind of spaced out and awkward, neither of you really knowing what to say to each other, but then it gets so... easy

you’re showing him the scar from that one nasty fall you took as a kid, explaining the rather stupid story behind it 

he tells you his own weird childhood stories about that one time he talked back to a teacher and like, instantly regretted it

and when he laughs, he laughs with his whole body. like a lot of work goes into those laughs that you can’t help but join in on

and sometimes if you tell a particularly good joke, he’ll just lose his mind and run around in circles for a bit 

it’s kind of adorable you can’t lie to yourself 

and once he accidentally dropped coco’s leash and she wasn’t even that far ahead of you guys but he FreAKEd oUT

“COCO!” he screams, hauling ass to chase her down

kicking up dust behind him like road runner in looney tunes

diving like a professional goalkeeper in a soccer match to catch her

and then he picks her up like he did when you first met him and he’s like, “I nearly had a heart attack don’t ever do that again-” 

you’re just laughing and playfully teasing him for the way he sprinted after his little fluff ball 

“Yah, Y/N. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t run after her.” 

you’re like... you have a point.... she’s precious and needs to be protected at all costs 

he’s like yes, I’m glad you understand 

and you tell him that you were a little unsure about moving at first because what if you ended up not liking the apartment or the neighbors???

and now, as you stand on a small bridge over a slow stream, looking over to your side to see youngjae looking ethereal in the setting sun, you’re thinking that moving was the best decision you’ve ever made 

you don’t tell him that, of course, instead saying, “...Anyway, thanks for being so nice to me!” 

and you’re walking so all you can’t see his face but you notice his ears go bright red 

“Um, actually...” he starts

“...Is something wrong? Did I say something weird?” 

“No! Nothing like that. I was just thinking that um, since me and Coco both think you’re cool, do you maybe want to...” and then you can definitely see a blush tinting his face 

“Youngjae, I’d love to go on a date with you,” you say, smiling 

and you can tell he’s kinda dying cause he is bright red and he’s smiling like a maniac and trying failing to hide it behind his hand

the rest of the walk is filled with shy smiles exchanged between the two of you

and many blushes 

and when you get back to your building, he once again walks you back to your door 

“So,” you say, “when do you want to have that date?” 

and he’s blushing all over again as he says, “Um, tomorrow?” 

and you just nod, feeling your smile take over your face

but it’s late af and you gotta sleep so you lean up to kiss his cheek and say, “Goodnight, Youngjae!” 

and he’s just standing in front of your door long after you’ve closed it, staring at the air in front of him, his hand on his cheek 

and then he just looks down at coco and says, “Holy shit...” 

needless to say, the date goes great