#his poor firstborn son like Why would I do that. getting beaten up is very unpleasant. i would personally like to avoid that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pocmothon · 5 years ago

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Solitary.

Folks generally do not like me. No, that’s not a whine for sympathy, it’s just a fact. First noticed when I was a wee bairn. At school, like most, I tried to fit in, to find friends. Even those who I had things in common with, however, made it clear I didn’t fit in.

I came from a poor family, two alcoholic parents. Money spent on drink meant often, I went to school almost literally in rags. I remember so often winters, when we had decent snow, standing at the end of the track waiting for the school bus, no socks, just wellingtons. Feet so cold they hurt, badly. Thing is, wellies weren’t allowed in school, so I’d to “borrow” gymshoes from someone else and I was mercilessly bullied for my appearance, for my heathen family, for my poverty, for being crushingly shy and reclusive....

When I would go home after school, if Dad saw me crying, he’d beat me. The pivotal moment came when a much larger than me girl beat me badly at school..I returned home trying to explain I could find no reason why, only remembering the other jeering, urging bairns watching, cheering every time she landed a punch. And a teacher walking past, ignoring the “dirty little heathen bairn”.

I was covered in bruises, crying in pain. Dad beat me then told me if I ever let anyone do that to me again, he’d give me more of the same. This was after the other girl’s parents turned up at the door with the police to complain I’d broken her glasses in the fight! (I *did* try to fight back but she was a lot bigger and harder than me). Dad, at least, stood me beside their daughter and said to the policemen “Look at the size of them. Do ye REALLY think my bairn’s the one that won thon fight?”

After that, he taught me to fight back. See, dad wanted a boy for his firstborn. He got me, a girl. (He was so disappointed, he walked out the birthing room in disgust). So he began to teach me things he’d have taught a boy.

So bearing in mind he was a hard hitting, hard drinking Highlander, I got taught poaching, fishing, hill walking/climbing, more poaching (for food for the table but because of it I learned more about wildlife than most folks do by watching documentaries about it...) and how to fight dirty, in a man’s pub brawl manner.

So the next time the same big girl picked on me, I punched her fucking lights out. And the next girl that tried to pick on me, I did the same. And after that, I was, finally, left alone.

Truly alone.

That isolation has lasted all of my life. I gave up a long time ago trying to make friends. Don’t get me wrong..I don’t go through life snarling at folks! I’m polite, well mannered, trained myself to hold decent small-talk conversations and so on. But friends? I have none, nor need them.

If they’d been able to when I was a child, I believe I’d be, like my daughter, diagnosed Asperger’s. So, isolation and reclusivity is where I “fit in”. Solitude is balm, peace and pleasure.

I haven’t been a recluse *all* my life. I spent time in a Viking Age reenactment group, studied field archaeology, travelled back and forth to Belgium with Frans, my husband, meeting his friends (who remain solely his friends, not mine, though I tried *really* hard, because, well, my hubs, y’know?)

And I used to run and admin an online Pagan forum.

I was told by my parents I was unwanted. I believed them, still do. I’ve been told by people there’s just *something* unlikeable about me. And, I’ve made my peace with it. I’m unsure if it’s undiagnosed Asperger’s (sometimes, like my daughter, I just want to hide away from the world and find it VERY difficult to communicate face to face with others) or if there’s some flaw in my personality that just makes folks back off from me.

When I was a child, and a teenager..particularly when Mam died, and I was left to be raised by Dad and Uncles, none of whom really gave a thought to what I needed, nor cared overmuch when or if I ate, what I wore, where I went, etc...just so long as I “looked after myself” (which in Dad’s books meant poaching to bring meat or fish home to eat, and fighting my way out of any trouble I inadvertantly got into), well, then I felt self pity for myself. I saw other girls in pretty clothes, makeup, at discos with boyfriends, living lives I could only dream about as too often, I would sneak out of the crofthouse at night when Dad and his friends got roaring drunk, and go hide in the woods. There was a rock with a flat surface among the silver birches I would sit on, shivering, waiting til daylight when I knew they’d be asleep. I was molested by more than one of his friends. When I told him, I got beaten for “leading him on”. I didn’t tell him anything else.

That self pity long ago died, along with my dreams of what life would be for me when I grew up and could get away, be out there on my own.

Fast forward some decades...I had three children, two girls and one boy, to that abusive ex husband. My son turned out to be transgender and because I stood by her, one of my daughters literally hounded us off the small Orkney island we were living on. Literally paid for us to go, threatening me with sending “some boys” round to “visit” if I spoke about it to anyone. I haven’t seen my grandchildren for many years now. I grieve the loss of my daughters and grandchildren but will NEVER regret standing by Alice. I’d have stood by whichever one of them it might have been. That’s what a mother does.

So sadly Alice, like myself, learned what it’s like when folks dislike you, and what it’s like to be truly alone.

And like I taught myself, I’m teaching her it’s ok to be alone. It makes you stronger than folks think. And you become accountable to no-one.

I was lucky with my husband, though I found him late in life. He had no qualms, no hesitation, in accepting Alice as his own daughter, in accepting me, weird quirks and all.

I hope Alice, one day, finds her soulmate too. Til then, I’m here for her, WE’RE here for her, as long as we’re able to be.

If you’re like me, then here’s a word of advice..you don’t NEED to be liked to be a valid, unique and important person in the world. Everyone has the right to exist, so long as they’re not hurting others. And if you’re not a physical fighter? Learn a few good old fashioned heathen curses. They work.

But, brutal though it sounds, my Dad did one thing right...he taught me to fight back. Don’t let those that’d put you down do so. Fight back until they stop. Fight for all you’re worth until they get the message that not liking who you are because you are different does NOT give them the right to mistreat you. That it says more about who they are, than it does about you.

And be proud of that.

#Ireland #heathen #isolation #fight back

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joshiesjourney · 6 years ago

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Pesach II

Part two!

First things first, here’s a vocab list for Passover

This post I would like to structure according to my plans for all holidays:

1. Summary:

Pesach (Passover) is a holiday to celebrate and commemorate the delivery of the jewish people from Ancient Egypt where they were enslaved, following the ten plagues God brought upon them.

2. What it’s based on:

The holiday is based on this story:

The jewish people were enslaved by the Egyptians while they were residing in their land. Moses, a levite, survives Pharaoh’s attempt to kill all newborn Hebrew boys as he is adopted into the family of the Pharaoh. He grows up unaware of his heritage, but when he rises to the defense of a Hebrew man who is being beaten by an Egyptian overseer and kills the overseer, he is forced to flee Egypt to the land of Midian.

God speaks to Moses through a bush engulfed in fire that is not burning and he sends him back to Egypt to lead his kindred out of bondage. He meets up with his brother Aaron, who acts as a speaker. Pharaoh refuses to let them go and increases their work load. Through Aaron, Moses and finally on his own, God performs ten plagues upon Egypt: All water becomes blood, a plague of frogs and then of lice occur, wild animals from all over the world stampede through Egypt, disease epidemics strike the animals, boils strike the humans, hail destroys the land, locust swarms consume what is left and finally the world is shrouded in darkness for three days and nights. The last plague is the death of the firstborn son of every Egyptian household, paralleling the killing of the Hebrew infants.

Moses finally can leave, leading his people out of Egypt, however Pharaoh follows them with his army. The climax of the story is the splitting of the Reed Sea, permitting them to pass through and getting the Egyptians stuck/drowning them (depending on translation and interpretation).

3. How celebrate:

Passover goes from 15th of Nisan to 21st/22nd of Nisan, depending on location and part of judaism.

Leading up to Pesach there is the custom some jewish people follow to remove all chametz (leavened bread) from their house and deep clean it to ensure they follow this mitzvah.

On the 14th (or 13th, if the 14th is on Shabbat) there is the mitzvah for the first born child to fast.

On the 15th (or 15th and 16th in some communities) it is custom to have a family Seder (order, arrangement). Here are some things about the Seder that I learned from this resource:

The seder follows an outline given by the Haggadah. Different haggadot exist and different denominations of Judaism will have different expectations at theirs.

The Steps of the Seder

- Order: the Seder has 15 steps, outlined by the Haggadah, same as the 15 steps leading up to the Temple. It is argued that following these steps brings you to a spiritual goal in the same way.

- The fifteen Simanim (Symbols): The system outlining the Seder is actually attributed to either the biblical commenter Rashi or Rabbi Shmuel Falasse. The steps are:

1. Kadesh - Blessing of the wine and the holiday of Passover, drinking of the wine 2. Urchatz - Rinsing of hands with water but without the bracha over washing hands being spoken 3. Karpas - Dipping a vegetable into saltwater and eating it 4. Yachatz - Breaking of the middle matzah (there are three matzot on the plate), leaving the smaller piece here and hiding the larger for a later step 5. Maggid - People are invited to join the Seder and the Four Questions are asked. The Exodus is retold, the mitzvot that make Pesach special are noted, thanks is given to God and another cup of wine is drunk 6. Rachtzah - Before eating matzah the hands are washed again, this time with the blessing 7. Motzi - Blessing (Hamotzi) of the bread while holding the matzah with all ten fingers 8. Matzah - Eating the matzah in a reclined position, indicating the splendor of this meaningful night 9. Maror - Eating of bitter herbs (generally a bitter veggie like horseradish) in rememberance of the bitterness of exile 10. Korech - A sandwich of matzah with bitter herbs is eaten, combining the bitterness of bondage with the glory of freedom 11. Shulchan Orech - Feasting time to celebrate the night 12. Tzafun - Meaning “hidden”, the matzah piece from earlier is brought out again, eaten as the last food of the night 13. Barech - Grace after meals, Bricat HaMazon is recited, drink another cup of wine 14. Hallel - A song to praise and thank the Lord, drink the last cup of wine 15. Nirtzah - The conclusion of the evening, to work towards new good things in the year to come.

- The Seder plate contents:

1. K’arah - The plate itself 2. Zero’ah - The roasted bone (customarily a chicken bone with some meat. Not eaten. At the times of the Temple in Jerusalem Korban Pesach (Pascal lamb) was roasted and the last thing to be eaten at Pesach) 3. Beitzah - (meaning egg) The Chagigah was customarily brought as the main meat of the Seder, today it is replaced with an egg (a symbol of mourning, for the destruction of the Temple) 4. Maror and chazeret - Bitter herbs, often maror is horseradish and chazeret is romaine salad 5. Charoset - Nuts, apples, wine, and cinnamon (aka allergy on a plate) as a reminder of the hard work the jewish people did in Egypt with brick and mortar 6. Karpas - A non bitter vegetable 7. Matzah - The unleavened bread, either right above or right below the Seder plate

4. Deeper Meaning

a) The Goals of the passover Seder

- Telling the events: It is a mitzvah to remember the Exodus and pass it’s knowledge on to the next generation. This story is said to have been told over and over from the time it happened to today - with even haggadot dating back to the middle ages having been found - It keeps the historic memory alive

- Instilling faith: Not only do you tell the story for history’s sake, you use the story telling to remind each other of God’s existence and presence, highlighting the divine intervention that is considered the basic foundation of the jewish belief in God. Through the Seder this knowledge and faith is handed on to the children. By hearing a story where God controls the world and nature rather than being a passive player or philosophically considering God, the divine presence becomes more grippable, more understandable to anyone. But what does it mean to have faith? It is interpreted here that in Judaism, simply believing is not enough, showing is important. In order to truly have a connection to God, as it is obligatory, you are expected to live it and express it. Judaism, from what I have learned and gathered so far, believes very strongly in actions over words, let alone thoughts. Your actions define how others perceive you and mold your spiritual experience in return. Confirming what you believe with actions feeds the faith in return.

-Experiencing freedom: In this feast, it is obligatory to consider the Exodus as if oneself had been part of it, making the story personal to each individual hearing it. This part, where we are obligated by Haggadah and Talmud to view it as if we personally had been part of the Exodus in spirit and soul, is where the idea of the jewish soul comes from: a concept where it is said that all jewish people, including those yet to be born, were present at Mt. Sinai and that people who are meant to become jewish will feel a calling. (Something that to some extend I believe I experience.) Back on topic, by making this a personal experience this source argues that there are two Exodus’ that occur during the Seder: the historical and the spiritual one that occurs every single year during Passover. It is meant to be an experience of the Exodus, allowing for redemption for all who participate.

- Thanksgiving: In light of the question “what if God hadn’t taken us from Egypt” a grim probability opens up; one where the jewish people dwindle out of existence. It is a sobering thought that inspires gratitude. By acknowledging what was done with Dayeinu (”Would have been enough”) it instills a kind of gratitude that is often missing: appreciation of what you have, even if you wish you had more. Appreciation for the existence of a jewish nation and the spiritual freedom God has given.

b) Making Seder meaningful

- Setting the mood: First of all, hospitality goes above all on Pesach. Customarily the poor and the needy would be invited in, today often a big celebration is made where people from family and beyond are invited. Make it special by using the best cloths, cutlery and plates that are specifically for Passover, reclining to demonstrate the freedom they have.

- Piquing the interest of the children: Quite a few things are different on this night than usual (no blessing before washing the hands the first time, hiding the matzah) and it is encouraged for the leader of the Seder to mix things up to keep the children asking questions, the most important thing of all. A curious child can learn. A bored child will not. This holiday is about passing the story of Exodus, the experience of Exodus on.

- The question and answer format: The question “Why is this night different from all other nights?” begins the Haggadah, it is there to make people question the Exodus. It is obligatory to ask it, even if one is alone, so that people start to think and question. Questions are a void that demands filling with answers, inviting learning.

- Tailoring education: The haggadah speaks of four children; the wise, the wicked and the one who does not know how to ask. They represent four ways of educating the next generation, four ways of learning. It is important to make the Haggadah accessible, picking a language everyone speaks and changing things up where needed.

c) Pesach Sacrifice, Matzah and Maror

Without the Temple, there is no Pesach Sacrifice anymore, so it was replaced with a piece of bone with meat on it. Matzah and Maror however are still very much part of the Pesach experience.

Pesach Sacrifice: It signifies the blood that was used to mark the door frames and make God pass over the Hebrew housings during the Exodus, but it also signifies thanks to God for the miraculous birth of the jewish nation. They chose God’s protection and followed God’s plan, leading them to the state of Exodus.

Matzah: Symbolizing the haste that was present when leaving Egypt, not even having time to let the bread rise. It’s unleavened state, which demands haste and enthusiasm to make rather than passiveness symbolizes striving for good and bettering.

Maror: Symbolizing the bitterness of bondage, Maror reminds of the bad that was left behind. The hardship though did form the jewish nation in the end, creating an environment and a people that were willing to accept the freedom, motivating them to pursue betterment.

d) The Four Cups of Wine

Mirroring the four stages of Redemption (‘I brought forth,’ ‘I saved,’ ‘I redeemed,’ and ‘I took’) the four cups represent the divine presence coming into the world and bettering it, changing it. Even in Eden there were four branches of the river, the number four having a lot of symbolism and significance.

There is a fifth cup that is not drunk during the Seder, the Cup of Elijah. It symbolizes the coming of the Messiah, cumstomarily the door is also opened to invite him in. This is the fifth redemption: the redemption in the future.

#jumblr #Pesach #passover #matzah #seder #holidays

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