#his long hair looks soooo goood too like let me live

[woe-is-tuli]

This man.

[jaehwn]

how i died

OK Y’ALL READY TO READ HOW I DIED!! sorry this took so long but I wanted to make some gifs to make this rollercoaster experience more real. this is going to be long (I already know it) so sip on some drinks coz dis gon’ be wildddd! disclaimer: I also got a little carried away with this post.. um.. idk why..

also, please don’t repost my gifs. they were made using videos I took at the concert :)

I originally had some rants here but I don’t want any negativity on my blog so I deleted like an entire paragraph of rant lels.. and I figured this post was getting way too long and no one would read it so yea.. OKEY OKEY let’s get onto the exciting stuff 🎉

MONSTA X AUDIENCE

BOYYY AM I SHOOK! they looked so good!!? ok basically they walked in and introduced themselves as a group and individually in english. Then they had to randomly choose to do a mission kinda thing. Wonho ended up doing one of jooheon’s rap and it was LIT!! 🔥 and he was like “feels bad for ended it like that” so he got Jooheon to rap as well 🙌🏻 LIKE WONHO BLESS YOUR SOUL 💖and then it was hi-touch time 🙂

WANNA ONE AUDIENCE

OMG I WAITED LIKE OVER 2 HOURS IN LINE UNDER 37 DEGREE WEATHER! but it was worth it 😍 I GOT SUCH A GOOD SPOT for audience. Like they walked to go on stage and I was like standing right there where they were walking. I EVEN HAD MY JAEHWAN SLOGAN OUT! idk if he saw tho tbh ; ; rip but I’m pretty sure woojin saw hhehhe 🙈 So the same happened - introduced as a group and as individuals in english. I GOT JAEHWAN’S INTRO ON VIDEO ewlkjqewhre I DIE ⚰️ then it was straight to hi-touch (lowkey annoyed they didn’t get to do the mission thing 🙁)

RED CARPET

Red Carpet was pretty cool. All groups except for Wanna One came out one by one. Fans took photos. They said some comments about being in Australia and the concert.

CONCERT

OK this is going to be a long section lels. There was a bit of a pre-concert where Kevin came out as mc to introduce a few dance groups. I was legit shocked at how good these dance groups were. Now onto the actual concert HEHEH Monsta X Jooheon and Shownu started off the concert with a rap and dance collab stage and OMG they were amazing!!! Their stage honestly lifted the spirits of the entire audience ; everyone was just screaming. it was some lit shit 🔥 Daehwi, Daniel and Minhyun came out to mc for a little bit. Minhyun was being dumb and as like saying he can’t see the audience and had to walk a few steps forward and then he was like ah alright alright sweet 😂 Then Daehwi asked them what KCON meant to them. I forgot what they said but Daniel mentioned something about culture and honestly, it was just them being cute af 😍 I LOVE DAEHWI for just leading the whole conversation in english ; bless his soul 😇 so they introduced the next act which was WJSN covering Kylie Minogue songs. They killed it and the choreography was HOT AF!! They’re all so pretty like I can’t even- MAJOR HEART EYES. 

Next was SF9 and Up10tion’s performances on after the other. All I can say now is I AM A FAN!! Just their stage presence, and choreography and all the lighting and atmosphere was just amazing! After SF9′s first song, they like teased about being hot and asked if they can take their jackets off 😂 SUCH FLIRTS~ Dawon got teased about about his hair looking like ramen hehehe ; and OMG INSEONG IS HE CUTE OR WHAT!? He was the one that spoke the most english and was kinda of the group representative. 

Also bless Up10tion for their fan interactions during their performances, it was SO CUTE 🙈 Legit both groups are SOOOO GOOD LOOKING!!! The visuals are no joke 👌🏻 SF9 performed Easy Love, Fanfare and Roar. Up10tion performed Runner, So Dangerous (and one other song I don’t remember). 

After that, Changkyun and Kihyun came on stage as mc. They played this “game” where they play snippets of kpop songs and the audience dances. Tbh they were both just goofing around on stage ; it was so cute ~~ After WJSN performed Secret and Happy (plus one other song). Being the only girl group there, they really played their part in fulfilling the concert. They were like everything - pretty, cute, sexy. Their performances had a brighter vibe compared to the boy groups which was really nice 😊 

They next stage was Wanna One. THIS IS THE PART WHERE I DIED 🙃 They performed Energetic, Burn it up and Wanna be. THE FEELS!! Like I don’t even know what to say bc I’m just asdlfjakh just thinking about it. I honestly cannot even function properly thinking about their stage again ; this is how bad they ruined me. ok let’s just talk about Jaehwan bc like can he not be so rude and make my heart nut 😤 HE FULL DID HIS LIKE LIP BITE AND WINK THING AND IT IS NOT OK!!??? They played this little game on stage where the hyung line had to act cute and the maknae line had to act sexy. JAEHWAN WAS DOING THIS HEART DANCE (punch me bc he’s just being a dumdum) and then Jisung was doing a pouty face ; it was so cuteeeee ~~~ Ong was like sitting on the edge of the stage and waving at fans ; honestly rip the fans that was right in front of him. Minhyun did his signature butt dance ; MINHYUN IS THE ACTUAL SUN AND NO ONE CAN ARGUE WITH ME! Danik as himself is just cute hehehe 🙈 and Sungwoon is just a cutie 24/7. Now for maknae line. Woojin and Baejin was just being rude and Guanlin and Daehwi chose to lie on the floor - like kill me now. Hyung line rushed over, trying to stop them 😂 Jihoon actually had the guts to try and take his shirt off! Not that he would, but he did the action. 

After Wanna One performances was Monsta X. Not gonna lie, they had the best stage presence and live stages. They performed like 4 songs? HERO, Shine Forever, Ex Girl and Beautiful (I think..) All of the stages were SO GOOOD!! EVERYONE in the audience was just enjoying the vibes and omg the close up shots of them on the monitor was like DSLFKJSDFDS ; they glistened under the lights 🌚 They even proposed to a fan as part of the game!!!! Changkyun was like hey angel ; me aaldjfhldaf on the floor. Kihyun serenaded her and omg he has the most beautiful voice 😍 Then Wonho! O M G HE WENT DOWN TO HER AND HUGGED HER AND TOOK A SELFIE WITH HER!!!! *me flips table then sits in corner and cries bc i’m jelly* Now it’s end of the concert and all the groups came out one last time (i’m getting emotional again ; someone send help) Monsta X actually stayed on stage and bowed to the audience~~ and WONHO UNZIPPED HIS SHIRT and was the last one to go off stage!! He knows how to end a concert on a high note ASFGDLKJG ; honestly Monsta X really knows fan service and treating their fans well~ anddddd that is the end of the concert 🎉 

read more about my Jaehwan feels below 🙃

But Jaehwan didn’t even walk over to my side of the stage 😫 I MISS HIM SO MUCH!! My heart literally hurts. Seeing him in person actually ruined me ; and I’m not even joking. @ Jaehwan please return my heart 💔 ok I don’t want to scare anyone and have people think I’m crazy so I’ll stop there.

If you read up to here then I LOVE YOU ❣️❣️❣️

[band-blogging]

iRobot

Request: Could you do one-shot with Josh Dun based by song Irobot by Jon Bellion?I thing you would do amazing because because the one with alien was soooo goood… (I hope my grammar was good😂)

Characters: Josh Dun x Reader, Tyler Joseph

Warnings: Talk of anxiety, cursing, death

Josh remembers you so clearly, every detail, even now. Even after everything that’s happened.

He remembers your smile, even though it took you a while to show him how beautiful it was. He remembers how carefully you chose your words, how each one held meaning no matter how insignificant they may have been to anyone else. He remembers your lips, how they looked, the way they moved when you spoke. How they felt.

He never imagined you would turn on him. But he should have known.

He remembers your shaking hands as you held a gun in your hand, the barrel pointed towards his chest. You were silent in the moment and he can still see the tears brimming in your eyes. You were never heartless, even though that’s what some people assumed. You were just broken, maybe more so than himself. 

But you refused to open up to him or to anyone. Not fully. Your eyes weren’t full of life like other’s were. They seemed dull, and he hated that he knew why.

He remembers the slight rasp in your voice. How it was never perfectly smooth.

He thought it was beautiful.

But you spoke to him more clearly then you ever had when you were about to kill him. He could tell you were doing your best to keep your voice from shaking, but he could still hear it. He had learned to pick up those little things about you.  

“I’m sorry.” 

The only thing he doesn’t remember clearly is when you pulled the trigger. The bullet shot toward him and everything happened in an instant. He was on the ground, bleeding, gasping for air that wouldn’t come no matter how hard he tried to fill his lungs. 

He remembers your last word, the last word he heard from you, at least. A broken sob that sounded like his name.

Then he remembers seeing flashes of his messed up life, going in between memories and a blackness that he had never experienced. He didn’t think things could get that dark. 

That was the day that Joshua Dun died.

You remember the first time you pulled the trigger. It hit the target that had been set up in front of you near the edge and you remember the disappointed sighs of the people who thought you would be a better shot.

You remember the face of the first man you almost killed, and you remember collapsing in front of him, dropping the gun with tears streaming down your face, trying not to acknowledge the fact that oh my god, I almost killed him.

You remember the first time you pulled the trigger. The first time you took someone’s life. You remember the second time and the third time and you remember their names and the reason they couldn’t live and what they looked like and you remember all of the nights you’ve stayed awake because when you close your eyes, they’re suddenly in front of you again. They’re crying and they’re asking you things: why did you let this happen, why did you do this to us, why did you put us through this, why did you put yourself through this-

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t knowIdon’tknowIdon’tknow-

You remember torturing yourself night after night because of the horrible things that you have done, yet you still do it because you have to. You’ve dug yourself into a hole and you’ve been finding that digging in is much easier than climbing out. 

You remember trying to tell them that you couldn’t do it anymore. You could feel yourself slowly going insane and you knew that if you kept going you were going to break. 

It’s not easy, you knew that coming in.

They told you there was no way, they tried to be decent and not tell you what would really happen. 

And you didn’t realize what they meant when they said they knew you wouldn’t leave until you saw her picture on a screen. She was their leverage, that one little detail that was actually the most important thing in your life and they knew they had you moving in the direction they needed you to move. 

That’s my sister.

It was an obvious move. You’re not a pawn, they haven’t degraded you to something that insignificant. You’re more like a bishop, and you’ve sacrificed yourself trying to protect the queen. Your queen.

The only person that’s ever mattered. 

You’re going to do what we say, no questions asked.

And you nodded because you’ve been in this long enough to know that bluffs don’t exist. They know where your sister lives and they know where she works and what she looks like and you know exactly what they would do if you were to walk out. They know how they would make you the first person to find out that she’s gone. They know exactly how to break you and they’ve done a great job so far.

You remember thinking of him as a distraction at first. A distraction from everything horrible and wrong in your life. You remember feeling something for him a few weeks after it started…something real, and thinking what the hell have I done when you realized that maybe you actually wanted to be with him. 

You remember Josh the same way he remembers you. 

Both of you were just out of reach. 

You go to the same coffee shop at least once a week, just to make life seem somewhat normal. More normal than it really is. 

You sit in the same booth everyday, in the back corner of the shop, hidden from prying eyes. 

You pull out your phone, sighing when you see you have a few texts.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to have a text from an unknown number telling you that they wanted to meet with you at some random location. Your number has been distributed so that people can contact you if they have certain things that need to be taken care of. Things that they can’t do if it means having blood on their hands. 

You’re in too deep and wouldn’t it be a waste of energy, all that digging, to just stop with no way of climbing out. Better to just go deeper.

Then, under the vague text from the stranger that has every intention of making you kill someone, is a text from your sister. 

Y/S/N: Hey! I was wondering if you would want to come over tonight. I want you to meet my boyfriend

You smile, remembering when your sister told you about this perfect guy that she had met the other day. You had told her how happy you were for her, I can’t wait to meet him!

Y/N: See you tonight!!

Y/S/N: Awesome! He invited his friend over too, so you’ll get to meet them both

She doesn’t know. 

She doesn’t know about the job and the innocent people that you’re forced to kill. But she knows that you’re struggling and she knows that when you show up at her house, tears in your eyes and guilt evident in your expression that all you need is someone to sit with you so that you know you’re not alone. Because that’s something that you desperately need to be reminded.

She thinks you have anxiety. She thinks that’s the cause of your shaking hands and your nightmares and constant paranoia, and maybe that’s part of it. Maybe that’s what has developed over years of killing innocents. Goddamn anxiety. 

But your hands only shake when you’re not holding a gun and you’re only paranoid when you’re around her because, oh god, what if they’re here? What if they take her from me?

You’re fine other then that, you smile when you know people expect you too and act like a normal, excited sister when she tells you about her boyfriend. 

He’s perfect! Oh my god, what if we get married? What if he’s the one? Y/N, he’s amazing!

She never stops talking about him. This perfect boyfriend that tends to her every need and seems to care more about her then he cares about himself. 

And he can sing and play piano and his friend plays drums and they want to start a band, how hot is that

You hold your phone in one hand, ringing the doorbell to her two-story house with the other, hearing her footsteps quickly approaching. 

You smile softly at your sister, who is looking at you with messy hair and wide eyes that tells you that you may have interrupted her and this perfect boyfriend of hers. 

“Do I need to have the sex talk with you that mom never had?” 

She rolls her eyes and takes your arm, pulling you in the house. 

“Can you keep your voice down?” she scolds, smacking your arm. “He’s here you know.” 

“I can’t, actually. And I also don’t care,” you say, smirking at her. “So, where is he?” 

“In the living room, so hurry up and take your coat off, I want you to meet him.” 

“Stop rushing me.” 

Once you’ve put all your stuff down, she takes your arm again and pulls you through the kitchen, into the living room where her boyfriend is waiting on the couch with his hands in his lap and his face flushed.

“Tyler,” your sister says, getting the brown haired boy’s attention, “this is my sister, Y/N.” 

You smile, giving him a little wave as he stands. 

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Tyler says. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

“Oh man, you must hate me already,” you say, making him laugh.

“I only told him the embarrassing stuff.” 

“Fantastic.” 

Tyler laughs at the two of you and you take the opportunity you have.

“Well, I’ve heard a lot about you,” you tell Tyler, almost laughing when your sister tenses next to you. “Musician, singer, extremely attractive.” 

Y/S/N’s eyes widen and not long after you feel her elbow connect with your hip, making you gasp. 

“Jerk.” 

You laugh along with Tyler, who walks up to your sister and wraps an arm around her waist, planting a kiss on her forehead. 

“You’re so cute, babe,” he says with a laugh, looking down at your pouting sister.

Another knock at the door interrupts your laughter and Tyler perks up.

“That’s probably Josh, I’ll get it.” 

Once Tyler is out of the room, Y/S/N looks at you expectantly. 

“He’s alright,” you say with a shrug, trying to force the smile off your face. 

“Oh, come on,” Y/S/N groans, “you’re being difficult.” 

“Am I? I didn’t notice.” 

That earns you a punch in the stomach and you double over, surprised at how strong your sister has gotten.

“Unnecessary.” 

“Yeah, man, it’s good to see you,” you hear an unfamiliar voice say in the hallway, making you force yourself to stand up straight, shooting your sister a glare. 

“This my friend, Josh.” 

In and out, remember?

Don’t get caught.

A gas station seems a good enough place to kill someone. You wouldn’t know, you’ve never killed someone in a gas station. 

The tv is running in the background, a bit too loud for your liking. You hear it running through commercials and you suddenly feel the need to take your gun out and shoot it from the painful irony of the words it’s spitting at you. 

Are you ready for a change?

You keep your hands at your sides as you make your way through the short isles of chips and candy, back towards the bathrooms. 

The newspaper stand is set up in a rather convenient spot, just out of sight of the cashier and the limited number of customers. 

You pull your matchbox from your pocket and light one, looking over your shoulder before letting the match light the small pile of newspapers. 

“Fire!” you scream, rushing out from the back, waving your arms frantically to get everyone’s attention. “There’s a fire, everyone get out!” 

Screams erupt from the few customers as they run from the shop, the cashier getting out as well. You go to the men and women’s bathrooms and bang on the door to both, shouting the same thing. 

“There’s a fire, get out!” 

People rush from the bathrooms and you wait by the doors, taking the arm of a familiar man when he rushes out of the men’s bathroom, stopping him by the flaming newspapers. 

“What the hell? Let go of me, you crazy bitch.” 

You scowl at him and wait for the few men in the bathroom to run out, their actions frantic and fast, so fast that they don’t notice you holding the man back against the wall. 

“Who the hell do you think you are? We have to get out, can’t you see the-” 

“Shut up,” you growl, pushing him back into the men’s bathroom with your arm across his chest. 

“Don’t make any noise and this will go a lot easier for both of us.” 

You pull your gun out and hold it against his stomach, making him freeze. He looks down at you with wide eyes, but keeps his mouth shut. 

“Do you know this man?” you ask, pulling out a picture of your boss from your pocket.

Your boss is known by a very limited number of people, and he happens to know of a certain journalist who is starting to gather information on him to write an article. 

This journalist is currently shaking in your grip, trying to convince you to spare his life. 

He takes one look at the picture in your hand and his eyes widen. 

“That’s a yes, then.” 

One twitch of the finger. One little tick that has the power to end someone’s life. 

You remember his face. Of course you remember it. You remember his face, his name, the reason, the location. You remember everything, just like all the others. 

There wasn’t much you needed to do to dispose of the body, that would be taken care of for you. 

There are perks to lighting a fire at a gas station.

You remember those dreadful words, the ones you had been hoping she would never say to you. 

“You guys would be perfect together.”

No we wouldn’t you want to scream we wouldn't because I’m an assassin but, hey, thanks for the effort. 

Y/S/N has been trying to set you up with someone for as long as you can remember, claiming that you need to get out there and have fun and do dumb single stuff with her (not anymore, apparently), and you’ve turned every offer down. 

There’s not much harm in spending time with your sister in her home, where nothing can happen and you could protect her if something did. Outside of that, it’s too open and there are too many people and not all of them could be who they say they are. You figure you’re better safe than sorry. 

It’s the same with getting attached to anyone else, which is why you would much rather stay out of the dating pool. 

“And I knew you were going to say no, so I already set it up. You’re meeting him at that coffee shop you always go to at six.” 

“Wait- you what?” 

“Please don’t be mad, I just feel like you need someone there to, you know… support you.” 

She’s looking at you with sympathy in her eyes and you want to scream at her.

No, I’m not struggling with anxiety that’s not what this is.

“Look,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose, “it would be a lot better for me to just stay single, okay? I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, despite what you think.” 

You know she doesn’t believe you, she’s told you before that she doesn’t think she can trust your judgement because of the anxiety that you apparently have. 

I see your hands shaking, Y/N. I know about the nightmares and I know that you cry yourself to sleep sometimes. You need help. 

“Please, just…just go on this one. This is it, if it doesn’t go well, then you don’t have to go on anymore. Please, for me.” 

You think it over; pros and cons.

Pro: You would make your sister happy, which, at this point, is the only thing you’d willingly do without feeling immense guilt afterwords.

Con: You would put this person in danger.

Pro: Your sister wants you to.

Con: Just more blood on your hands.

Pro: Your sister wants you to.

“One date,” you say with a defeated sigh. “One.”

“Of course.”

You should have expected it. You walked into the coffee shop and wanted to laugh out loud when you saw a familiar puff of yellow hair on a head that was turned away from you.

“Josh?”

He turns around, his smile falling when he sees you.

Glad I can get those real reactions from men.

“Y/N?”

You chuckle as you sit across from him, wrapping your hands around the coffee you had ordered when you first arrived at the shop.

“Don’t look too disappointed,” you say with a forced smile pointed towards your coffee. You may have been very against going on this date, but you still have feelings and Josh looked pretty disappointed when he saw you.

“No! No, God no, that’s not…I just didn’t…I didn’t think this would be with someone I knew.”

“Did Y/S/N force you into this?”

Josh chuckles, holding his own coffee, one size larger than your own.

“Yeah, kinda…” he says sheepishly. “She told me it was a perfect mach.” 

“Yeah, well, she says a lot of things.

You both laugh, but yours immediately stops when something on the tv screen in the corner catches your attention.

Yesterday at 5:00pm there was an explosion at a gas station in Columbus, Ohio. Investigators say the explosion started inside the store and a body was found in the bathroom. The body cannot be identified, police are still investigating the scene.

“Are you alright?”

You turn your attention back to Josh, meeting his concerned gaze, watching him glance at the tv screen behind him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just, um…it’s sad, you know? That man that died at the gas station.”

“Yeah, it is.”

The rest of the night is spent talking about things that you haven’t talked about with anyone for a long time and you don’t want to admit it, but it’s so refreshing to talk about this with someone and you don’t realize how late you’ve stayed talking to Josh until the barista tells you they’re closing. 

“Hey, um…do you want to come back to my place? I’ve had a great time and I’d love to talk some more.” 

You shouldn’t. You can’t. But it sounds so inviting and you haven’t talked to someone like this in so long and at this point you figure might as well, we’ve talked for this long. What’s the harm? 

What’s the harm?

You know from a lot of experience that those words are very dangerous. 

“No way,” Josh laughs, throwing his head back.

“Yeah, I swear it happened. Y/S/N shoved me into him and he spilled his coffee all over me, then said he ‘didn’t think it would work out’ and left.” 

Josh bursts into laughter, doubling over on the couch. You giggle along with him, waiting for him to stop laughing.

“Okay, your turn.” 

“Alright, um…” he pauses, trying to think of another breakup story he has, “Tyler and I went out one night and he introduced me to this girl and apparently I looked like this guy that had cheated on her and she was pretty drunk, so she gave me a mean right hook, then poured the remnants of her drink on me.” 

You burst out laughing, almost in the same position Josh was from your story. 

“Are you serious?” 

“Dead,” Josh laughs. “To this day, Tyler still brings it up around all of our friends. ��Hey guys, remember that time Josh was almost knocked out by a drunk chick?’ ‘Do you guys remember when Josh was mistaken for a cheater?’ It sucks sometimes.” 

“I bet it does.” 

You and Josh laugh until your stomachs hurt and you hate that you’re having such a good time. 

“Well, I should get going,” you say after about an hour of telling the best stories you can come up with. “I…had a really good time.” 

You feel like a lovestruck teenager and you hate it.

“I did too,” Josh smiles. “We…um…do you want to do it again?” 

No, I don’t. I really, really don’t. Don’t you dare say yes, I swear to God if you say yes-

“I’d love too.” 

Dammit.

Josh smiles and leans forward, pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

“See you soon.” 

“You were out for hours,” Y/S/N squeals when you walk through the door, jumping up from the couch that she was obviously waiting for you on. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to come back until tomorrow morning.” 

You smack her arm and take your coat off, trying to fight the smile off your face. 

“I except him to kiss me before anything like that happens.”

“Wait,” Y/S/N freezes, “He didn’t kiss you? That pussy.” 

“He kissed my cheek, but we both know that doesn’t count.” 

She laughs and you smile at her, but it falls when your phone begins to ring. 

“I should take this…” 

You sister gives you a concerned look, but nods, stepping out of your way so you can answer the call in the makeshift office she has set up, closing the door behind you.

“Hello?” 

Was it you?

You close your eyes when you hear the familiar rasp of your boss’s voice, anger evident in his tone. 

“What are you talking about?” 

You know what. You were the one who caused the explosion at the gas station, that’s how you decided to carry out your most recent job. 

“What’s wrong with it? You gave me a job and I did it.” 

Don’t be a smart ass, Y/L/N. You were careless. Stupid. Don’t slip up like this again or I swear-

“I know,” you say, peeking out to make sure your sister isn’t listening, “I know, you don’t have to remind me.” 

Don’t screw up like this again. I’m not going to be the one busting you out when you get your ass thrown in prison.

The line cuts off and you sigh, pulling the phone away from your ear, feeling it tremble in your hand. 

“No, stop, stop, stop,” you whisper, trying to steady the shaking. You can’t help it. You’re terrified.

“Y/N?”

You wipe your eyes and walk out of the office, smiling at your sister.

“Is everything okay?” 

You nod, but your sister immediately looks down at your hands. 

“You’re shaking, Y/N, you’re obviously not okay.” 

You shake you head and ball your hands into fists so she can’t see them begin to shake harder.

“I’m just going to go, okay?” 

“Who was that on the phone?” 

You shake your head again and push past her, ignoring her shouts for you to tell her the truth. 

“Who was on the damn phone, Y/N?” 

“It was my boss, now let it go!” 

“Who the hell is your boss? Why do you let him scare you like this?” 

I love you, and if I tell you now I’ll be betraying you.

“I’m leaving,” you mumble, despite your sister’s protests. “I’ll see you later.” 

He kissed you. He leaned forward and kissed you and god, he’s such an idiot but he wants to kiss you again and again until all you know how to do is attach your lips to his. 

“How could you let this happen?” he can hear Tyler ask him as he moves his lips against yours, his arms wrapping around your waist. “This wasn’t the plan.” 

Screw the plan.

Screw this and screw that and screw him and just screw it.

Tyler doesn’t know what he’s talking about. 

He kissed you and kissed you and kissed you and he should regret it but he doesn’t because, God, it felt good. 

You kissed him back and he wrapped his arms around you tightly, hoping you wouldn’t slip away from him. 

“I have to go,” you told him after, leaving him with wet lips and a heavy heart because he wishes it wasn’t you. This would be so much easier if it wasn’t you. 

You left and he knew he couldn’t let it go any farther. He needed to end things and finish what he started.

“You let this happen,” Tyler said, rightfully so. “You did this to yourself.” 

Months go by. Months before Josh knows that things have gone on for too long. He’s in too deep and, yes, you’re everything he’s ever imagined, but he’s afraid Tyler might do the job for him if he doesn’t do it soon.

“You’re such an idiot,” Tyler kept telling him. “How could do this?” He doesn’t know.

His relationship with Y/S/N might have been for show, but yours never was. It was the one thing that he could hold onto when he had nothing left. That was his reason. You kept him fighting. You gave him hope that one day he could be happy and he didn’t want to let that go.

“You have to break things off with Y/S/N,” he told Tyler.

“I already did. I hope that encourages you to move a bit faster.” 

Don’t you get it? he wants to scream, I can’t.

He’s falling. He’s falling hard and by the time he hits the ground he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get back up.

Better to end things before the ground gets too close.

You get a text from a mysterious number telling you to meet them at their address, per usual. Nothing out of the ordinary.

You stuff your gun in its holster, ready to get this meeting over with so you can see Y/S/N. She’s been extremely upset these past few days.

You show up at the address the text from your next client told you to meet at with your gun in your bag- just in case- and walk in quickly, trying not to draw too much attention from outsiders. 

“Hello?” 

The house is silent and it makes you feel uneasy, but you continue walking, going through a hallway that leads you to a kitchen. 

You close your eyes, letting out a sigh when you feel a gun pressed against your back. An all too familiar feeling.

You reach towards your holster slowly and whip around, pointing your gun at whoever is behind you. 

“Josh?” 

You stare at him, the man you had considered giving your heart to, standing here, ready to put a bullet through it. 

He doesn’t say anything. 

Better not to say anything then let words get in the way.

“What is this?” 

You should’ve known. You should’ve known that your happiness could never have been real. 

It was nice to pretend.  

“This is the job. You should understand,” he says, “you know where both of our priorities lie.” 

You know exactly what he’s talking about. His weakness, like yours, is another person. Another human being who’s being held hostage by another sick, sick monster. 

“Who is it?” 

He chuckles, humorless and full of remorse and regret and so much guilt. 

“My sister. Just like you.” 

You shift, switching the gun from your left hand to your right, keeping it pointed at his chest. 

“I’ll explain it to you,” he says, his words soft and calm, as if he isn’t holding you at gun point. As if he isn’t being held at gun point. “My boss is one of your boss’s biggest enemies. What better way is there to beat him then to kill the person who does all the dirty work?” 

“You make it sound so simple.” 

You almost see a smile, a slight twitch of his lips, but its gone before you can confirm it was ever there.

“I don’t have a choice.” 

You don’t think you’ve ever felt so angry at anyone in your entire life. 

“You’re sick,” you spit at him. “You let me fall for you…why? So you could rub it in my face?” 

What makes you think I didn’t want you as bad as you wanted me.

“That’s not what happened.”

You shake your head at him, not believing that this is real.

“And Y/S/N? Was it ever real with her and Tyler? It was all just part of the plan, right?” 

“We had to, you have to understand-” 

“She texted me a couple days ago. Said he broke things off, didn’t even give her a reason. Just up and left. They were together, what, five months? And we were together for four, right?” 

“You know as well as I do that you would’ve done the same thing.” 

“I wouldn’t have fallen for the person I was supposed to kill! That’s cruel! T-to both of us. Even after everything, I still have some decency, and I’ve done some pretty messed up things, you have no idea.” 

Josh nods, and you assume he knows what you’ve done. 

“You should’ve made it quick. Just put me out of my misery the minute you got me alone.” 

“That’s what you would’ve wanted?” 

“Over this? Yeah, I think so.” 

He nods, his gun still pointed at your chest, in the same spot yours is pointed at his. 

“Then I’m sorry.” 

You scoff and shake your head. 

“You shouldn’t have dragged Y/S/N into this.” 

“Maybe not,” Josh says, keeping his eyes locked with yours. “It was Tyler’s idea.” 

“She thought he was the one, you know. She told me,” you inform him. “Does he feel guilty at all?” 

No answer.

You stare at him, watching him walk closer to you. You tense and thrust your gun towards him, making him stop.

“I swear, if you take another step I’ll blow your brains out.” 

“I guess I’ll stay here, then.” 

You consider asking him if he’ll let you call your sister, just to tell her you love her. You might not walk out of the house, and if Josh is going to be the one to kill you, maybe he’ll be sympathetic enough to let you talk to her one last time. 

But you wait, keeping as still as you can as you try not to tremble.

“Was it real?”

It’s a fair question. All of those nights spent talking and kissing and telling each other that everything’s going to be okay, even though neither of you knew what “it” was. All of the unspoken words and claims of affection that may or may not have been true. 

“It wasn’t supposed to be.” 

You scoff and shake your head again, watching his rigid demeanor start to crack, his regret showing through. 

“What do you mean ‘it wasn’t supposed to be?’ how is that supposed to justify-” 

“I made a mistake,” he snaps, silencing you. “A huge, idiotic mistake, because I wanted to believe that I had a chance at feeling what I felt with you. Happiness. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

“And, believe me, I tried to stop myself from falling for you, but you were everything and I couldn’t help myself.”

You stare at him, wanting to tell him that it was the exact same thing for you, but not wanting to give him the satisfaction of a heartfelt response.

“Are you going to shoot me?” 

“That depends,” he pauses, taking one risky step closer to you. “Are you going to be the first to pull the trigger?” 

Tick tock tick tock, times running out. Better be the first, better be the one to walk out.

“Does it scare you?” he asks suddenly.

“What?” 

“Holding someone’s life in your hands and deciding to pull the trigger.” 

It terrifies you. 

“You know I would be lying if I said no.” 

There’s a silence, a long, painful silence that makes everything good and pure about Josh and your time with him rush back in that moment.

“Should I say something to you?” you ask eventually. “If one of us is going to die, what are we going to say to the other? Those ‘last words’ that everyone makes such a big deal about.” 

He thinks for a moment and you’re terrified that his choice of last words might be something that will make you drop the gun and tell him to put you out of your misery. 

“I-” 

“I swear to god, Joshua. Don’t you dare.” 

He smiles, a small tug at the corner of his mouth.

“How about…I’m sorry.” 

Good enough. Better than the alternative.

“That works.” 

He nods, content with his words.

“Your turn.” 

“I’m sorry too.”

You pull the trigger a second too soon because he had a look on his face that told you he wanted to say something else. 

The bullet leaves your gun and it’s too late to do anything about it now. It hits him with an all too familiar bang that’s gotten louder every time you’ve pulled the trigger and the ringing in your ears is so loud that you can barely hear anything else. It’s all just background noise.

But you hear Josh gasp for breath. You hear him say your name. You don’t hear anything after that, falling into something that could be classified as shock. 

You’ve never had to kill someone this close before. 

But, in the end, it had to be done. You know that. She would’ve died if you hadn’t because your boss would know you let yourself die at the hands of an enemy. He would’ve given you what he believed you deserved. 

“J-Josh…” 

Maybe you shouldn’t have done it. But you shouldn’t have done a lot of things that day. You shouldn’t have thought so selfishly when you pulled the trigger, your thoughts of your sister as you did so. You shouldn’t have called an ambulance on a dying man to make yourself feel better about shooting him.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love. 

But Josh was just so perfect and he was there all the time, when you had your night terrors and when your “anxiety” acted up. And you were there for him in the exact same situations. 

You should have given him better words to die with. 

You shouldn’t have gone to see your sister in tears barely an hour after it happened, making her think your anxiety was at its worst. You suppose it was, in a way.

And, months later, you shouldn’t have been doing the exact some thing you were doing before, but that was where you were and there wasn’t much you could do to change that. 

And who knows? Maybe you shouldn’t have opened the mysterious blue letter addressed to you with a stamp that looked suspicious enough. The single slip of paper with a few simple words that you shouldn’t have read. 

But, God, are you glad you did.

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. -J

(x)

[the-last-airbadger]

Get To Know Me Questions

Ok so I reblogged this thing a few days ago, and even though nobody asked me questions, I’m still going to answer them, because I really like doing these things and maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there that’s actually interested in my answers to these questions but was too shy to ask me or didn’t see the post. But now the answers will be in my personal tag forever. Yay ^-^

(please beware this is a very long post these are 125(!) questions! It took me three days to finish!)

I hope you enjoy these questions and my answers to these questions!

1. What is your full name? Skylar Elliott (Dutch last name). (I’m not sure if I wanna post my last name on tumblr…)

2. What is your nickname? I don’t really have a nickname… everyone calls me Sky though, I guess that counts…

3. What is your zodiac sign?   Gemini! 

4. What is your favorite book series? Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I have never enjoyed reading a book as much as I enjoyed reading these books.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? I don’t know? I’d like to say I believe in aliens and ghosts but there’s always this voice in the back of my head that tells me that it’s “cool, but they don’t actually excist because it hasn’t been proven”. Although I do believe that aliens must be out there somewhere I mean the universe is so big we cannot be the only life forms. I just think aliens are so much more different than we humans can even imagine.

6. Who is your favorite author? Rick Riordan! Very sassy, author of my favourite book series and cares a lot about representation in books which is very gud.

7. What is your favorite radio station? I mean I don’t really listen to the radio but I kinda like skyradio because it has part of my name in it and I also love npo2 between christmas and new years eve because they play a top2000 of music that you can vote for and it’s really fun. (These are both dutch stations I believe, so if you don’t recognise these stations, that’s why)

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? Usually strawberry. Strawberry ice cream, strawberry sweets, strawberry sauce, strawberry lemonade, strawberry tea, strawberry smoothies… I love them all.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? “Awesome” or “cool” 

10. What is your current favorite song? Heaven - Troye Sivan ft. Betty Who Prove me wrong - Fireflight Escape - Fireflight They share the first place so I listed them all. I literally cannot choose. 

Heaven makes me feel much lgbtq+ pride and happiness, as well as sadness and determination to change the world. Plus I can really relate and let my emotions out by listening to this song

Escape is a very good song about overcoming fears and, again, I can really relate to this song. I really like the refrain because when singing it I can really throw my emotions into this and let them out. Again, this song fills me with determination to change the world and the way I handle problems. It makes me feel stronger. And the ending is really reassuring and beautiful.

Prove me wrong, I can also really relate to. It’s about being insecure about yourself but then someone else helps you see that you are actually a really nice person. It reminds me of my friends.

11. What is your favorite word? Ethereal -  “Extremely delicate and light in a way that seems not to be of this world” 

12. What was the last song you listened to? Heaven - Troye Sivan ft. Betty Who (listening to it right now)

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Brooklyn Nine-Nine because it’s hillarious and very progressive and inclusive and the characters are very lovable.

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Probably just any Harry Potter movie. They never get old.

15. Do you play video games? Sometimes. I’m not that big of a fan of videogames but I like games like life is stranger or all the harry potter games and I sometimes play mario with my brother.

16. What is your biggest fear? I’m afraid of my house setting fire and I’m kinda afraid of all bugs but I think my biggest fear is wasting my life and dying unhappy and unfulfilled. 

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I’m a very positive person and I have and okay face and I make bad jokes (that I secretly think are hillarious). And I always try to learn and improve myself and become the best person I can be.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? I’m insecure about EVERYTHING and I overthink every move I make in life and that makes me feel like I’m failing everything and everyone especially the people I care about.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats! I think dogs are very cute but irl I kinda shy away from dogs because I’m still lowkey scared of dogs but cats are so cuddly and cute and I want

20. What is your favorite season? Probably fall. Because of Halloween and the leaves FALLing (get it? Fall, falling. haha) from the trees and the colours and the wind and the whole leadup to christmas. I also like that the temperature isn’t to high or to low. Winter’s too cold and summer’s to hot and spring is okay but not that special.

21. Are you in a relationship? Nope. But right now I’m only interested in friendships anyway so I don’t mind. (also being both ace and trans I kinda feel like it’s impossible to find anyone who’d actually want to date me so I kinda just… don’t bother. Transition first, relationships later)

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? I miss that I was so social and talked to everyone without restraint or fear. And I miss having the time to read.

23. Who is your best friend? @asiandutchgirl @the-official-pentacorn  They’re both two of the most wonderfull people I’ve ever met don’t you dare make me choose

24. What is your eye color? Brown. There’s some green in them somewhere too if you look really closely but it’s mostly brown.

25. What is your hair color? Also brown but I’ve been thinking about dyeing it for a long time… but usually I can’t because my acting class won’t allow it.

26. Who is someone you love? My siblings, my parents, my best friends, my grandparents, my household, my pets (although pets aren’t really people but I LOVE THEM OKAY)

27. Who is someone you trust? My siblings and my best friends. I could tell them anything.

28. Who is someone you think about often? I hope this doesn’t sound weird but My best friends. They make me happy and they’re a big part of my life even though I don’t see them nearly as often as I should. And I guess, because of that, I just miss them often. 

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? I’m in the middle of the process of legally changing my name and gendermarker! I cannot wait to see them on my new ID!!

30. What is your biggest obsession? At the moment definately VOLTRON (season 2 was so guddd)

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? I used to loooooove Zack and Cody. And after that I started to enjoy ICarly and Victorious a lot. I used to spend whole weekends watching these shows. 

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My best friends and my sister.

33. Are you superstitious? A little bit. I mean I know it’s bullshit but somewhere, in the back of my mind, I still believe bringing “lucky items” to stressfull situations will help me somehow.

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Uhh… not really? I mean the only thing I can think of is that I cannot sleep in a room with, for example, my mom, because I know she snores and then I am so afraid that it’ll keep me awake that I cannot sleep… -_-

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? I prefer to be in front of the camera because being behind the camera makes me responsible for the final product while being in front of the camera comes pretty natural to me. My granddad always films every important family event and I grew up with a love for acting and being on stage so… I like that.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Watching a show that is soooo goood you just have to binge it and being on the edge of your seat the whole time and just getting lost in it basically. 

37. What was the last book you read? A book for school. “Two women” by Harry Mulish. I didn’t really like it. *spoilers* a lesbian main character was killed in the last two pages just as I thought she’d live happily ever after -_-

38. What was the last movie you watched? Iron man… I think… yeah I watched that the day before my brothers birthday when his friend stayed over.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I play the piano! I’m not that good at it but hey, I enjoy it.

40. What is your favorite animal? I really like Lions. They’re like big cats and also super majestic.

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? the-official-pentacorn, asiandutchgirl, hagraeven-side-blog, slytherin-bookworm-guy, relatable-pictures-of-pidge… I think…. there are much more, I’m sure, but these are the first ones I came up with and they all have a special place in my heart.

42. What superpower do you wish you had? I’d love to be able to fly, but, as a trans guy, I think shapeshifting would probably make me the happiest.

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? In the cinema. Just comfortably sitting in a chair with food. My only responsibilities being watching a movie, keeping my mouth shut and eating. Perfect.

44. What makes you smile? Music, My friends, A happy scene in a tv-show or book, a very bad joke, realising how much I love the people that matter to me, having an actual nice social interaction that wasn’t in any way awkward, gender euforia, doing something I love.

45. What sports do you play, if any? …Have you ever seen me trying to exercise? 

46. What is your favorite drink? Fresh Lemonade. I had some in Greece and it was literally the best thing I’ve ever tasted… Why don’t we have that in the Netherlands :’(

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Probably sometime when I left the house to get some groceries and didn’t know when my dad would be home so I left him a note on the table

48. Are you afraid of heights? It depends. If I’m walking next to a very deep drop I’m terrified I’ll fall, but in a rollercoaster, on a plane, or even a on bus that’s driving on narrow roads next to a massive ravine, I have no problem with heights. I guess I just don’t trust myself at great heights because of my clumsiness. 

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Whenever I’m trying to concentrate on something I cannot handle it when people ! start ! to ! eat ! crisps ! or ! nuts ! or ! something ! VERY ! LOUDLY !!!! Somehow this mainly happens around my mom and sister and not really anyone else but sometimes it gets so bad I literally have to leave the room. Also snoring… because if someone starts to snore I will not be able to sleep for hours unless I have my phone and some earbuds nearby.

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yes! I’ve seen Al di Meola (when I was six, with my dad), Lissie, Maria Mena, Delain, Within Temptation (twice), Vanessa Carlton and K3 and I’m gonna see Lindsey Stirling in March!

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? Nope! But my dad is vegan so half of the time the only meat I eat is the sausage on my sandwiches.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? Cassier, Artist, Inventor, Archaologist, Game-Designer, Actor, Writer, Idfk. All in this order.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? I’d love to live in the world from Avatar: The Last Airbender because it’s basically the same as ours only with DRAGONS and BENDING and all other kinds of cool animals and cool stuff.

54. What is something you worry about? In a week and a half I have test-week and then in a little more than a month I have another test week and then in May I have my final exams and I have SO MUCH LEFT to study and SO MANY PROJECTS left to do and SO MANY BOOKS left to read and I worry I will never pass and die in the process and start hating my life. (which I already kind of do because of school, but hey, only four months left… only four months left…)

55. Are you scared of the dark? Depends. Around 8pm I have no problem with the dark but around 11pm/12pm/1am I am not a fan of walking down two sets of stairs to go to the toilet.

56. Do you like to sing? YES. Omg I absolutely love singing!! I sing everyday and I’m also in a choir (that has been founded for trans people specifically so I don’t have to worry about my high voice) which is super awesome and I love it.

57. Have you ever skipped school? Nope. At least not without my parent’s permission.

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Probably just any cinema or my home. They’re both places I can just feel at ease and eat.

59. Where would you like to live? Tbh I am perfectly happy in the places I live right now and I don’t think I’ll ever move far away from here, but it would be supercool to live in London!

60. Do you have any pets? Yes! I have two guinea pigs (who are both supercute and cuddly) and a cat (who is supercute, but anything but cuddly)!

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl. Mornings are for sleep

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets because sunsets happen around my favourite time of the day, and I only see sunrises if I have to wake up very early or if I’ve pulled an all-nighter and I hate both of these things. Like I said, mornings are for sleep.

63. Do you know how to drive? No, I don’t. I will probably start lessons next year though!

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? I prefer headphones because of the sound quality, but after I’ve worn my headphones for an entire day they always start to hurt because they press my glasses against my head and when I’m going outside earbuds are a lot easier to take with me. Same when I’m trying to listen something calming to fall asleep, earbuds are easier. 

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes, I’ve worn braces for about nine months when I was thirteen

66. What is your favorite genre of music? I don’t really have a favourite genre, but I really enjoy soundtracks, rock, some pop and some dubstep songs.

67. Who is your hero? I don’t really have a hero. There are a lot of people I look up to but I think that if I’d have to choose someone right now I’d choose Thomas Sanders because he’s just the nicest human on the planet and I aspire to make people laugh and smile like he does.

68. Do you read comic books? No, not really. They don’t really grab my attention the way books or tv-shows do and I always end up skimming the pages and spoiling myself.

69. What makes you the most angry? Ignorance. Whenever someone refuses to be open minded. Whenever someone claims to know something better than I do and refuses to listen to me. Whenever someone tells me how I should be feeling when they don’t even try to understand what I’m feeling. Whenever someone even tries to shit on my community, friends and interests. 

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? I prefer reading a real book because books never run out of power, smell good, and just give me that nice reading vibe. And because my e-reader is slow as heck and I have to wait ages for the pages to turn. 

71. What is your favorite subject in school? My favourite subject is probably Ancient Greek. I really like learning the ancient greek language and culture and I’m also pretty good at it. Plus my ancient greek class is a very nice group of people and we have an awesome teacher.

72. Do you have any siblings? Yes! I have a sister who’s eightteen and a brother who’s fourteen and I love them very much.

73. What was the last thing you bought? Last monday I bought myself crisps, cola and some liquorice candy because I had a sore throat. (edit: and today I bought some more crisps, some more cola, and candy’s agains coughing… they didn’t help)

74. How tall are you? Last time I checked (about nine months ago at the hospital) I was about 165 cm tall which is about 5’5″

75. Can you cook? … I can make eggs… and pancakes… and really easy pieces of meat that you basically only have to heat up in a pan…. And I can warm up soup from a can… and that’s about it I guess lol

76. What are three things that you love? Time for myself, watching tv-shows, rain. 

77. What are three things that you hate? playing sports, homework, stress.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Definately more female friends. I can’t relate as much with cis men and I don’t have that many trans people that are actively involved in my day to day life. Plus girls are amazing.

79. What is your sexual orientation? I identify as asexual. I don’t really understand what sexual attraction is exactly… and like… I do not understand how you can associate people you actually know in your life with sex without being creeped out? And the idea that people that are in a relationship are having sex with eachother just… really boggles my mind. Especially because to everyone it seems so normal? and then I’m just like “why would you do that…”

80. Where do you currently live? I have two houses (divorced parents) and I live in both a small city and a big village. They’re both about half an hour away from Rotterdam in the Netherlands but I’m not sure if I wanna post the exact places I live on tumblr…

81. Who was the last person you texted? My brother. He asked me which one of us would buy banana’s and chocolate. I said he should because I was still at school.

82. When was the last time you cried? Last sunday. I was super stressed out because of school. I had to finish a project and I had two hours left but my brain was dead so I kinda crashed.

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Phil Lester (AmazingPhil), Dan Howell (danisnotonfire), Sean McLaughlin (Jacksepticeye) and Chase Ross (uppercasechase1). Dan and Phil always make me laugh and make me feel appreciated and I love them and their video’s and their dynamic a lot, Jack feels like one of my closest friends and he’s such a nice and funny guy, and Chase has helped me so much with transition-related problems. They’re all amazing and I cannot imagine my life without them.

84. Do you like to take selfies? Yes, I do! A lot! Whenever I’m on a trip or I look good or I just feel like trying on some new clothes and stuff, I always make selfies.

85. What is your favorite app? Probably the tumblr app. I spend half my life on there. Nothing is better than using my tumblr app to avoid social contact.

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Really good. My mom is a very warm person that I can tell almost anything to. She’s very understanding and her hugs are very soft. She values my opinions a lot and is always there to listen to what I say. With my dad I find it harder to tell him everything but that’s probably because I get the feeling that he expects a bit more from me? Idk if that’s true though, might just be my imagination. But he’s a very chill and self-assured person and I like that it’s always so calm at his house, whereas at my moms house things can be very chaotic and sometimes stressfull. My dad is very open and very accepting and he keeps surprizing me with how much he’s okay with.  Overall my parents are really really nice. They support my transition and my life choices and they just want me to be happy. I couldn’t have wished for better parents. 

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? I really love scottish it’s amazing. A gift to humanity.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Japan!! I really wanna go there it seems so awesome!!

89. What is your favorite number? 13

90. Can you juggle? I can’t even aim, throw or catch a ball of course I can’t juggle

91. Are you religious? Nope

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer space. There are so many things left to discover and it’s so big!! It feels like everything is possible in space. Also it’s very pretty.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Not really. Whenever something scary happens, I’m out. I’ll run away as fast as I can.  I do really like rollercoaster and stuff though and I’d love to try and sky-dive or bungee-jump… but I guess that’s because I’m not the one who’s in control in these situations.

94. Are you allergic to anything? Not that I know…

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yup.

96. Can you wiggle your ears? A little bit

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? I try to always admit it when I’m wrong about something. It’s a very decent thing to do and it prevents conflicts from happening or escalating. Plus you won’t really gain anything by refusing to admit you’re wrong about something.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? The forest. I hate the beach. It’s either way too hot or way too cold and there’s sand everywhere I hate it.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? I don’t know. I can’t really remember all the advices I’ve ever been given, and I don't think that one piece of advice alone can have that much impact. It’s the combinations of all the advice you’ve ever had that really makes a difference. If you can combine different people’s experiences and advices you’ll figure out what to do by yourself. But I guess if I had to choose one piece of advise that I value, I’d say: “It’s good to think about others and help other people, as long as it isn’t at the expense of yourself. In the end, you are the most important to yourself. You are the one that has to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You shouldn’t always put others before yourself because you are important too and you deserve love and kindness and happiness too. You deserve to be happy” (I think most of this advice I actually got from markiplier, from his most recent believe in yourself video. It’s a very motivational video, go and watch it!)

100. Are you a good liar? Yes I am. I used to lie about everything to fit in with the cool kids and keep them as my friends. It was like second nature to me. I guess I did learn something from acting class…  I still lie a lot to my acting friends by the way, just because they party every week and I hate parties but if I tell the truth they think I don’t like them, which isn’t true at all. I like them! But I really hate parties… and they can be a bit draining to be around.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true And unafraid of toil

102. Do you talk to yourself? Yep. Pretty often. Whenever I’m home alone I just sorta narrate my life. Sometimes I make it a musical!

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert. Interacting with people is fun but after a while I really need time alone, it really drains my energy, especially when I am not feeling well anyway. The only interactions with people that actually give me energy are interactions with my closest friends and family.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? I keep a transition-diary to write down the important moments related to transition, so I can read it back when I’m older and I won’t forget anything.

105. Do you believe in second chances? Yes. If someone is really willing to better themselves and are working hard to improve I think they deserve a second chance to give them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. 

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Probably leave it. I woudn’t want to go through either the trouble of handing it in or the guilt of not doing that, so I’d probably place it somewhere more noticable and let someone else decide what happens with it. 

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes. People go through all kinds of things in live and they keep learning and bettering themselves. If a person really wants to change then I believe they can, no matter how long it takes. They’ll get there.

108. Are you ticklish? Yes. Very. If you tickle me I start screaming and kicking and I sometimes fall on the floor. It’s my weakness…

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Eight times. To Rome and back, to portugal and back, twice to greece and back.

110. Do you have any piercings? Do earrings count? Because I wear earrings sometimes.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Aang. I feel like we would be pretty good friends and our world really needs the avatar tbh.

112. Do you have any tattoos? Nope. But I do want one. I just cannot decide what I would want on my body forever… probably either something avatar related (like the air-nation logo or something, because that’s really cool) or something transition-related because it’s such an important part of my life and it’s something about me that will never change.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Coming out and contacting the hospital to start my medical transition. Because without that, where would I be? I’d be the unhappiest little shit ever.

114. Do you believe in karma? Nope

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? I’ve worn glasses ever since I was eight years old. I will never wear contacts. ever. They freak me out! Why would you put something in your eye.

116. Do you want children? I don’t know. I always wanted kids, but ever since I found out I was trans and realised that I couldn’t have them naturally, I’m not sure anymore, because I don’t know if I want to adopt. I think it’s really gonna depend on if I have a partner or not and what the possibilities are… we’ll see. Babies are very cute though… and I think I’d love being a dad, even though I’m very afraid of becoming a terrible father. If I have kids I want them to be happy and decent humans. My sister will definately have kids though because she really really wants kids so I’ll definately be an uncle and maybe that’ll be enough for me. Who knows? And mayble I’ll get a partner with young kids and help them raise their kids… I think I’d prefer helping someone raising kids and giving the kids good life advice and do fun things together without being the one who has the most responsibilities.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? My sister has a friend who scored really well in school (an average score of around 90% I believe), who now studies both medical science and classics, plays the piano flawlessly, and is also a very nice person. She also won a price in an ancient greek competition, she was the best of the country!!

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I was ten years old and I had a friend who was a pretty big bully and I really wanted to stay her friend so I kinda just went along with it. One day I thought I was being cool and asked said friend to place a folded airplane on the bullied guy’s table that said something like “idiot” on it.  The guy then proceded to tell the teacher who told the entire class and demanded to know who had done it. I was terrified! Then my supposed friend ratted me out. I wanted to dissappear!! My teacher at the time was kind of my hero and I did not want to dissappoint her at all. I then proceded to lie that I just wanted to give the guy a folded airplane because I knew he liked them and didn’t know that it had the word “idiot” on it. I said that the word idiot wasn’t directed toward the guy and that I didn’t turn myself in because I was to scared the teacher would be angry at me. She believed me and everything went well but damn. This is the memory that still haunts me at 3am when I’m trying to sleep.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Yes. A lot. Always at sleep-over parties. I used to really love pulling an all-nighter but now… not so much. When it’s 4am, I just want to sleeepppp.

120. What color are most of you clothes? Most of my clothes are blue! I have a lot of dark blue sweaters and hoodies.

121. Do you like adventures? Meh. I used to, but now I just want to go home and watch a movie.

122. Have you ever been on TV? Nope, but I’m probably gonna be! Right now there is a documentary in the making about my choir, which will be on TV and I’ll be in it!

123. How old are you? I’m 17 years old and I’ll turn 18 on June 4th 2017.

124. What is your favorite quote? I really like the entire songtext of escape by fireflight, but I can’t really put an entire songtext here, can I? The part of the song I love most are: “You are not hopeless. You are not worthless. You are loved. Don’t give up. This is your time” and “We don’t want to save ourselves”  But if I had to pick an all-time favourite quote I’d probably pick the following quote from Dan Howell: “And at the end of the day, if something makes you and other people happy, that’s what’s important”

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory. I really like sweet foods from time to time but I am always craving savory foodsss ohm yg od

So there it is, I hope you enjoyed these questions and getting to know me a bit more! I really enjoyed answering these questions and they also kinda helped me study, because I only allowed myself to answer ten questions after finishing a certain amout of homework, so that’s good…

I hope you liked this and have a nice day!