#his brother snd he doesnt care what that takes

[evenmoreofadisaster]

Regarding the last ask my interpretation of two and he and one’s very umm messy dynamic is that I don’t think two really would want to understand that one loves him. Like there’s huge messy mistakes and hurts caused by both side that make it hard for either one or two to understand love in general let alone acknowledge it.

But.

But. How I’m perceiving two in how he’s been presented to us is that even if it (one loving him) could be pointed out to him in a way he understands I think he’d refuse to acknowledge it because atm he holds so much resentment and bitterness and hate* towards one that having it pointed out that one loves him would not be something he could handled because then it would be like forcing him to realize the hurt he’s causing someone who loves him and it would force him to grapple with the fact that the feelings he holds for someone that loves him are not necessarily good or healthy and that in turn would probably make him feel flawed and like the monster the hidden city believes him to be and I don’t think he could handle those feelings and so he just…wouldn’t. He’d deny any evidence of one’s love solely so he didn’t have to deal with what it means and his own messy complicated feelings

(* when I say hate i don’t mean two hates one we know he loves him back but I mean like there is hate and it does get projected on one a little maybe but it’s more hate about the lack of respect and lack of equality and hatred of the situation and ranks and how one enforces it just as strongly as Draxum like I could see two saying he hates one but it’s misplaced it’s not actually hatred of his brother it’s more hatred of the messed up dynamic they have and since that was set up by Draxum it’s easier and safer to blame one then it would be the commander)

The flip side is I have a lot of thoughts about one on this too because he’s is obviously not like without his own set of issues and mistakes that he brings to the dysfunctional relationship between them but the ask was more about two so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s my take on how twos being written so far and I could be way off so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!

Anon I really like where your head is at. This actually made me think of some important things we have to figure out before s1 part 2

Ok so i really think you’re onto something. Two doesn’t understand that One loves him not because he hasn’t noticed but because he doesn’t know what it is. For Two, everything he and One do is a product of their mission and purpose as Draxum’s experiments. That’s his understanding and just generally how he sees his life, including his relationship with One. Here’s where it gets tricky. I know in the ask you’re referring to i said Two doesn’t understand that One loves him, and that’s true on a technical sense. I think on some level Two understands that One cares about him because Two cares about One too. As much hostility and mistrust as there is between them, theyre still very close. That relationship is just tainted by a lot of bitterness, so much so that I think Two has lost that feeling of caring and trust that they used to have as children, pre-rank. But he hasnt forgotten about it entirely. Its why one does what he does snd probably part of why two’s so angry all the time.

I love your thoughts on Two reacting to this all being spelled out to it bc, like I said, he doesnt’ actively recognize where One’s motives are coming from, since hes blinded by his anger rank and desperation/commitment to draxum’s mission. If he was told One loves him, itd probably come as a surprise. He wasn’t aware that could even HAPPEN. Two barely remembers behaving like a child and being so carefree, likely assumed that One shed the empty “brother” and “family” mindset like he had, and “woke up,” so to speak. But I actually think that realizing that would just make him angrier. How could One “love” him but still treat him as an inferior? He’d probably think of it as pathetic and weak and just an excuse or maybe simply dismiss it as not true. Underneath that, though, he’d probably panic a bit (fueling his anger), and yea maybe wondering why they’re so different, which honestly could either make him feel insecure or more isolated from One. But that side of it probably comes out in season 2 :)

Two and One’s relationship is super messy and it absolutely infuriates Two most of the time. I really loved hearing your thoughts they made me think a lot about Two’s internal feelings and thoughts :)

Also, we would love to hear about your thoughts on One, if you're willing to share!

[ciaossu-imagines]

Dunno if i am still on for the "talk to me i feel bad" show but you remember my varia boys right? You remember my oc Ava, Squalos lil brother who may be a lil obsessed?

Yeah i just recently realized that if he was a character in a dating sim two of his bad endings would be related to Squalo. Either the MC becomes a danger to Squalo/hurts him and he cuts them down or just stabs them

OR

they get TOO CLOSE to his brother and Ava ends up slowly (torturingly) choking them to death while saying how much they do not deserve to be by his side bc that is HIS brother and he will be the most important person in his life, fuck you.

Also since I am rewatching reborn, I've had thoughts.

So SOMEONE has to run the varia while the officers and boss arent there during the ring battles, so Squalo (bc xanxus cant be fucking bothered) puts Ser, Lorenzo, Leo and Ava in charge until they are back. Ava is ofc not happy about not being actively there to see his brother fight but ah, he'll take it since they get live transmission on a big screen!

And then Squalos fight occures. First shock: Squalo loses his fight.

Second: he gets eaten by a shark.

And thats when i realized. One of the reasons Dino FUCKING JETS TO CONFIRM SQUALO IS OKAY AND ALIVE would be because

Ava would've lost his mind and likely obliterated the entire remaining Varia. Its not like there are many strong enough to actually stop him when there is NOTHING he has left to lose. Usually he doesnt go unhinged, he doesnt have a reason for it snd as a swordsman he knows to have control over himself and his emotions. But if he loses SQUALO, his ONLY tether to sanity, all bets are off.

So Dino makes sure to save Squalo, not just to find out what actually is going on, or because they are old friends but bc DINO OFC KNOWS AVA, HE IS SQUALOS BROTHER AFTER ALL, THEY MET! and just thinks "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, I HAVE TO MAKE SURE SQUALO IS ALIVE BEFORE WE GOT A MASSACRE ON HAND!!!"

Meanwhile the situation at HQ is fucking tense as shit. NOBODY dares to say anything or even move at first as they stare at Ava whose eyes are still glued to the static of the screen. Lorenzo, hand slowly to his weapons, is already getting ready to interfere once Ava snaps and Sergey very cautiously just goes

"A-Ava...?"

And then Avas phone rings. He mindlessy takes the call and Dino just loudly blurts

"Ava, he is alive!! We got Squalo and are getting him into medical care right now!"

"Dino...?"

"Yes! Yes, Ava its me! I made sure my men would get a hold of your brother, so you dont need to-- he's alive, okay?!"

"Ah... I see... Thank you, Dino."

Sergey slumps back in his seat, Leo leans against the nearest wall and exhales and Lorenzo relaxes, hands now off his weapons and crossed in front of his chest.

Cavallone better not lie about this, or Ava is going to go for him next.

"Dino." And Avas voice turns cold in a way that is very clearly not very mentaly stable.

"Please make sure that he stays alive and recovers properly."

And for a second everybody tenses again.

"Y-yes of course! Don't worry about that, everything will be allright!!"

The call ends and Sergey feels the cold sweat still on his back.

"Ava, you're fucking terrifying for a 16 year old, you know that?"

--

I just thought its a funny thought. So often the Varia is haled as this organisation of almost superhuman assassins, but it cant just be the main officers and the boss who are absolute maniacs.

You’re still on for that, but gosh the way you put that makes me feel both called out but is so incredibly accurate. I honestly do love how straightforward you are in things and as a person; it’s one of my favourite things about you 😊 Also, oh my good god, can I just say how happy I was to read this and that you sent it in as an ask so all my readers can read about these boys?! The Varia boys honestly have my heart and I adore them!

I love that you thought out what the boys would be like in a dating sim, because that’s just such a cool thought pattern and it’s also something that I love thinking about! It’s just a lot of fun figuring out what the routes would look like for characters, especially people like your Varia boys, where dating definitely isn’t the utmost importance to them and Ava’s bad endings sound heartbreaking and brutal but like things I would playthrough and find cheat guides for just to see them all played out. Also, how goes the rewatch? How far along are you?? Any episodes you were really glad to see again or arcs that you feel aren’t as much your favourites?

Also love your thoughts! The Varia’s missions and base being left to the most elite of the underlings makes perfect sense, especially these boys where they’re all very much trusted by the commanding officers. But at the same time, I feel so bad for Ava because I know he would have killed to be able to be there to see his brother wipe the floor during the Ring Battle and to finally wear the completed Rain Guardian ring…or you know, that’s how everyone figured it would go. All of your thoughts were just so lovely and I had so much fun reading them! Thank you for the smiles and the ‘holy, that’s so interesting’ moments 😊 Also, you write dialogue so well, just saying!

[redmemoirs]

the coronation arc is probably when i became a izana fan, especially this scene... lives rent free

[batz-zzz]

please explain fnaf lore to me i want to know i dont care if it's bad

OKKKK FASTEN UR SEATBELTS ( @cottagecorexboy tagging u bc bc u told me i could spam u w fnaf lore <3<3) HERES MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE FNAF LORE!

tw for like. kidnapping. and murder. lots of murder. and gore. also spoiler warning obviously

IM GONNA TRY TO MAKE THIS AS COHERENT AS POSSIBLE!!! ALSO FAIR WARNING A LOT OF THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMPLETE NONESENSE BC THATS WHAT IT IS!!! THIS LORE IS FUCKING STUPID! i love it tho <3

fnaf timeline:

fredbears family diner

fnaf 4 (1983)

sister location ( somewhere between '83 and '87)

fnaf 2 (1987)

fnaf 1 (likely 1993)

fnaf 3 (around 2023)

freddy fazbears pizza sim

fnaf help wanted

fnaf security breach (approx 2024-2029)

ok so all this shit started with a diner which was opened by william afton and henry emily in 1967. it was called *ahem* fredbear family diner!!!! and featured the brown bear mascot!! neither henry nor william had money at the time to hire someone, (also they were both busy studying; henry studying comminucation and business admin while william studied engineering) so the mascot suit was normally worn by henry during working hours

3 or 4 years go by and fredbear family diner starts to pick up more business! to help it grow, william designed bonnie, the yellow rabbit mascot to go along with freddy! how cute! after they got a bit more successful snd earned some more money, william designed the first 2 springlock suits, bonnie and freddy <3 so now the lineup we have are the freddy animatronic, the freddy and bonnie springlock suits that double as a suit an animatronic, and a marionette puppet that kept an eye on the children and rewarded them when they won arcade games

explanation of how springlock suits are operated (fnaf 3)

also! outside of work, good ol willy met a lady!! who is unnamed. n e ways! they got married and had 3 kids! the oldest son (michael❤️), daughter (elizabeth) and another son (not officially named, but widely recognized as evan/crying child)

OK NOW ONTO EVENTS THAT HAPPENED IN THE ACTUAL GAMES. LOL. HAHA. HAHAHA.

ok! um. ok. so. cut to evans birthday one year. 1983 to be exact. he has his party in fredbears family diner! great right? WRONG. evan was terrified of the animatronics. and his older brother michael and his friends decide its a good idea to SCARE EVAN by SHOVING HIS HEAD INSIDE OF ANIMATRONIC FREDBEARS MOUTH. take a guess how that turned out :)

basically evan gets his head CHOMPED! but he doesnt die there! in fnaf 4, u play as evan, recovering in the hospital after the bite trying to survive the nightmarish versions of the animatronics he was so afraid of. but he dies on the last night. lol rip evan

one afton down

william afton, distraught over his sons death vows to "put him back together" as seen in this screencap from the ending of fnaf 4! (william is,, talking to evan through a fredbear plush that has cameras in it,,,,, but we'll get into that later lol or not)

anyways,,, mr afton decides to take the phrase "put you back together" very seriously and uh. starts doing research on an element called remnant which is basically. large amounts of human agony condensed into a metal??? that can. help souls to possess inanimate objects. this is only mentioned in the books and i think its kinda wacky tbh. some people speculate that he did this research to gain his own immortality which is totally valid but i like to see it like this bc it helps fit the story together anyways we'll get back to that. maybe

moving on

after evans death, business wasnt exactly booming,,,. so! henry and william decide to sell all rights to the diner/animatronics to a bigger company that turns it into...... *drumroll* ......... freddy fazbears pizza!!!!!! (and the overarching fazbear entertainment). freddy fazbears pizza finally opened later in 1983 with a lineup of the man himself, freddy fazbear, bonnie, chica the chicken and foxy the pirate

also another springlock failure happens that isnt really touched upon, but after said failure, the springlock suits are deemed "too dangerous" to be used in performances! and they r stored in the back storage room!

one day, during a birthday party at the new and improved freddy fazbears pizza, a child was MURDERED! outside of the building, unable to get in and ask for help. the child then went on to possess the puppet, as it followed her outside and was there as she died, unable to help her. guess who murdered her lol! YEP! MR WILLY AFTON! he was tried in court but never found guilty due to...... lack! of! evidence!

um alsoo like,,, william kills more kids lol. he got into the storage on the old springlock bonnie costume and and lures 5 children to the back rooms and murders them!!!!!! and then in an attempt to save the children, the puppet stuffed each corpse inside rhe 4 core animatronics + golden freddy. this caused the childrens spirits to inhabit each suit lol (golden freddy now having 2 spirits possessing it; evan and the new child called cassidy) anyways since the bodies were hidden in the suits, detectives never found them and william afton was never caught. freddy fazbears pizza closed down after many complaints about the foul odor and mucus oozing out from the animatronics and after outsiders found out about the missing childrens incident

anyways! mr william afton is up to bigger and better things! in order to like capture more kids in a cool way he creates circus babys pizza world!! a smaller pizza place under the control of afton robotics featuring improved animatronics like circus baby! funtime foxy and freddy, bonbon and ballora! mr creep afton created each animatronic to capture children! each one has specific,,, abilities and design choices. for example, all of them are much taller than they should be, circus baby being 7.5 feet and the rest being over 6ft. funtime foxy has abilities like

parental voice sync and replay??? mhm. and same with funtime freddy

voice mimic/luring? storage tank?

yea,, thats a child. in the storage tank

however uhh circus babys pizza world closes on the first day bc. um. circus baby. eats. elizabeth (williams daughter). yeah..... william tells her to stay away from baby bc shes dangerous but she didnt listen!!! so she got herself snatched up and her soul went on to possess circus baby. lol. heres a clip! the actual death is at 2:35

second afton down! and both killed by williams own inventions! how poetic. anyways after circus babys pizza world closes, willy boy opens an underground facility titled 'circus babys rentals and entertainment' for the purpose of rentibg out his child kidnapping animatronics to different parties and events <3 cute!

anyways!! time for the events of the third game in the timeline and 5th game overall, sister location! michael, our beloved eldest afton son travels to circus babys rental and entertainment at the request of his father to "put [elibabeth and unnamed wife] back together" which he does! but he gets his skeleton innards scooped out in the process. lol.

yea so turns out, baby, ballora, funtime freddy and funtime foxy dont wanna be trapped in the rental facility, being forced to kidnap and murder children anymore! valid! so, in order to hide amongst other humans, they scoop put their own endoskeletons, fuse them together to form ennard, and use michaels body as a flesh suit :)

scooping room cutscene

and they succeed! for a while. after a while of being a flesh suit for a big robot thing, michaels body starts to decay! as bodies do. so, ennard decides to. leave. the body. bc its no longer habitable! leaving michael (whos still alive for some reason) as a rotted, skeleton-less corpse person!

and at the very end of the game, michael has another cutscene where he's kinda talking to william? but not rly bc william isnt there. hes talking to himself but to his dad. here loamso

cutscene at the end of the games true ending

ANYWAYS!!!!!! A NEW FREDDY FAZBEARS PIZZA LOCATION OPENED UP IN 1987!!!!!!!! with new and improved "safer" animatronics! consisting of toy freddy, toy chica, toy bonnie and mangle! this is the setting of fnaf 2, the 3rd game in the timeline! where, instead of michael afton, you play as jeremy fitzgerald! also, william comes back and murders 5 more kids in the new location!

also, the infamous bite of 87 happens here! and the victim is *drumroll* 🥁🥁🥁🥁 YOU! JEREMY FITZGERALD!!!!!! u get ur frontal lobe bitten off by the mangle animatronic! anyways, new location closes the same year, toy animatronics are SCRAPPED! and william afton was arrested, but there was no evidence proving that he was the murderer again

OKAYYY!!!!! FREDDY FAZBEARS PIZZA REOPENS (again) BUT THIS TIME, IN THE OLD LOCATION THAT THE FIRST MISSING CHILDRENS INCIDENT TOOK PLACE IN! ITS KINDA OLD AND BROKEN DOWN LOL! william afton tries to disassemble the haunted animatronics bc yk. theyrw obviously out for revenge on him. but accidentally releases their spirits into the living world. in a bout of fear, he runs to his old safe room (thats hidden from security cameras) and hides in his old springlock bonnie suit! hahaha! hes safe! except hes not. since the building is old and broken down, there is a water leak from the ceiling! and yall know what water does to the springlock suits!!!!

cutscene from the game

fanimation of the springlock failure (gore warning)

but he survives bc ofc he did. and hes left in that backroom until 2033 :) no one came to find him, because that backrooms have been sealed off and employees were told not to go back there or mention them to anyone outside the company!

slay!

anyways, the year is now 2003 and this is when fnaf 1 happens! at the end of the gamey freddy fazbears pizza closes for the final time </3

but fear not! 30 years later in 2033, a haunted attraction called fazbears fright is preparing to open in the same building! crazy how that happens. anyways, the managers of fazbears fright found william afton (now known as springtrap) in the back rooms and somehow doesnt realize that he is a decaying corpse inside a rabbit suit so! they use him as their only animatronic prop since the ogs have all been scrapped! this is where fnaf 3 starts- you play as security guard michael afton again, where hes finally found his father. the game ends with michael burning fazbears fright to the ground with springtrap still inside <3 slay

anyways, moving on,,,, after all the tragedy thats happened at freddy locations, fazbear entertainment hires a game developer to make a bunch of games meant to make light of all the deaths (this is the fnaf game devs self insert basically). to complete their coverup story, they hire a bigger company to make a vr game!! in fnaf vr: help wanted, u play as a game tester pretty much. however, the game was taking a while to develop, so fazbear entertainment sent a bunch of circuit boards to be scanned into computers in order to make the game faster

however!!!!!!!!! and heres the funny part: a virus known as glitchtrap (which is basically william afton... as a computer virus...) gets scanned into the games code! and after a while, glitchtrap successfully infiltrates the mind of one of the other game testers named vanessa, who becomes his unwilling successor known as 'vanny'. in help wanted, u have to help test the game while finding vanessas prerecorded tapes which have glitchtrap saved onto them. after finding all the tapes,,,, u accidentally set him free lol...... yea.

ANYWAYS NEXT GAME! FNAF 6, FREDDYS PIZZERIA SIMULATOR! this game was meant to tie up any loose ends left in the story, which it absolutely did. u (again) play as michael afton, who is tasked with salvaging old animatronics and keep them in the building. this is so at the end, old pal HENRY EMILY!!!! can make his badass comeback and burn down the building with everyone inside (including springtrap whos still alive not surprisingly) and it has the coolest ending cutscene imo

and after that, the extra game ultimate custom night is released, in which u play as william afton, trapped in hell- a neverending loop of trying to survive the very spirits u murdered. it was a really good ending to the story

but of course. it doesnt end there. because WERE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE GOOD THINGS IN THIS FANDOM APPARENTLY. sigh. no. after this game comes the most recent, fnaf security breach! in which u play as gregory! our dearest beloved homeless kid whos trapped inside the mega pizzaplex and enlists in the help of freddy fazbear to help get u out! in the true ending of this game, u and freddy travel below the pizzaplex to..... THE LOCATION FROM FNAF 6???!?!?!??? yea. they built the mega pizzaplex on top of the charred up building. and guess whos still alive???????? william afton. but he looks BUSTED and DUSTED to all hell

.... yea..... this is peepaw willy.........

anyways! um. in the final battle u set him on fire.... again... but this time guess who shows up!!!! molten freddy! who is basically ennard but without circus baby. anyways molten freddy snatches up peepaw willy and kills him im pretty sure, while gregory and freddy make their great escape

AND THAT BRINGS US UP TO SPEED! I WILL NOT BE GETTING INTO THE BOOKS BC I LIKE TO PRETEND THEY DONT EXIST ❤

[marshmallowprotection]

Man I should’ve done V’s route before Ray’s route because doing Ray’s first gave me all sorts of pain with V’s. It’s like someone grabbed my heart and crushed it right in front of me to watch Ray slowly spiral down and become so desperate for MC’s attention and validation. Going as far as to say when MC says they like V, he just goes “I don’t care if I’m second place, I don’t care if I’m last. Please don’t leave me. Hurt me if you need to, don’t go” AAAAAA

V’s route was just painful for me😭 Day 10? Just pain and only pain, like I was sobbing. I literally can’t fathom nor believe that Ray really reached a point to conclude he wasn’t deserving of love and happiness after Mint Eye disbanded. Like he wasn’t deserving of a second chance. It truly did hurt to run away with Saeyoung after saving V. AND THOSE TIMES RAY SND SAEYOUNG WOULD INTERACT IN CHATROOMS?! RAY TELLING SAEYOUNG “Please don’t hack anymore…” AND HE JUST DOESNT KNOW HES TALKING TO HIS BROTHER JUST HURTS. it just makes sense in the way you write VAE Ray as someone a bit more frazzled and easily overwhelmed bc of everything that happened. It just hurts, I only ever want what’s best for this boy. If VAE Ray would let me, I will validate and love him unconditionally for the rest of my life.

But yeah I recently finished V’s route and it broke into my house and beat me up 😔 and Saeyoung finding out Ray “died” was the finishing blow. I knew he was alive bc spoilers, but for some reason I was still grieving?? I’m rambling bc ut was such an emotional experience and maybe if I did V’s route first and then Ray’s my heart wouldn’t feel this demolished.

Yeah, for anyone that can play those routes for the first time now, I would always suggest that you do V first. Even if you don't like him most, it will save you a lot of emotional turmoil if you do his route first. When I was playing, I didn't have that choice because I was playing when those things came out in real time. So, I can definitely understand the emotional turmoil that you're going through right now because it's still haunts me very much to this day.

Can you imagine living through those months before the after ending came out and we didn't know what was going to happen to him? Those were the worst months of my life. I really did think they were going to try to do a narrative foil situation, flipping what happened in the secret ending. Like, V living but Saeran dying instead of him. I'm glad that's not the case, but it was something that did haunt me at the time.

At the very least, you know that Ray is okay and though it will take time... he'll find peace in his heart. Watching what happens emotionally to Saeyoung is the most painful thing. I try not to reply that after ending simply because watching him breakdown hurts me too. I think it's normal to go through this stage of grief even if you know the outcome, because experiencing what happens in that situation in real-time can only hurt you emotionally. I know that I have a hard time listening to the phone call from day 10. There's just so much on that route that is going to hurt you.

In VAE Ray's case, I'm glad that you feel like he feels true to form. There's a reason why he's so skittish and tends to be wary of everything around him. He lost everything and everyone in a matter of seconds and it broke him. He's managed to make sense of his pain but it took a long time to get there. He still has a lot of trauma and a lot of fears that linger inside of him. He's almost always going to be afraid of loud noises and he's going to prefer Solitude at the end of the day. He doesn't think he's worthy enough for anything good, but he lets himself be happy with his brother and V. He may be able to find sense of something in his life, but it's going to take him a while to get there. It's why he's such a fun character to explore after what he went through. At least now you can read the Maid Fic and have context for the pain!

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Sometimes my brother stays in the house all night. And annoys my kid.

But after tonight i see why.

He had to register his hands as militant weapons. He said militant. lol.

He was in karate all through elementary minus some years and some high school.

He knocked me out with two fingers once then started crying cause he thought I was dead. My mom didn't care. She told him good job.

My little brother paralyzed my arm once by jabbing it. That shit hurt. It was temporary but my arm was sore for days.

So obviously neither are afraid. They have skills,i always believed out powered my own.

I woke my brother up to open a jar but he couldn't either so soon after he went to his home. He said for some,reason no one was outside.

He knows Jesse i know he does cause we used to work the same gas station. Jesse and Stewie are the same but I call him stewie after the Family Guy baby cause he always tries to kill his mom.

He went to ministry school for college and has all kinds of degrees in philosophy and church and all that.

Anyways stewie got a job with my brother at nights and my brother got him fired.

I got him banned but our boss was a bitch thinking about her pussy.

Anyways. So he gets those feels when,there is dumb asses thinking they got a brain.

Me and my kid do too but its different. We don't live by them.

Usually she comes out for a little while with me but she said tonihht she had a feeling she djdnt want,to.

But I know at home,she gets them. Because one of us will sleep,at different times and one of us is always awake.

Thats whn i knpw some type monster you wish only lived under beds has been outside,

I dont say anything. But I think we both know.

.....

I went out again, this time with the light off and smoked. 4th cigar later and my sinus feel great!!

....

I could hear joints pop. Starchy grass being stepped on. And a chain.

I could feel a vehicle's presence. One with people in it.

.....

I heard the truck start drive slowly up,the north mesa. I could hear for so long i knew they were stopped.

...

Random dogs had barked. First in the yard then one 3 acres away. Then in the yard again.

I listened to how many birds chirped and how.

....

I knew someone was there when i moved my foot there was another sound... When you concentrate on doing something and you focus on it... I didn't hear the sound until i had already focused to move..its a random thing but always valid. If i move my foot someone else is moving theirs.

Its a constant.

......

I said shhh to the dogs. I whispered a loud hey that echoed to the weakling that couldn't stand still on the other side of the fence.

No one appropriately responded.

.....

I heard the there's a mother fucker there bark.

....

So i went in and as soon as I did that coward ass took off running to his waiting truck.

.....

I unfortunately can feel people's emotions. So i felt him being terrified. I also felt his chest heaving after running when i went in.

I feel his backward heart hurt the last two nights.

.....

#fbi he wants to kill me but he doesn't know how. Hes wanted to for 20 years after he believed jesse James killed my kids. That's why other people call him Jesse. Ive admitted to be fuddled about certsin things and barely have a glimpse of things. He had me,take an abundance of pills once to over dose. Right after the babies were murdered by their grandpa.

And hes tried to kill me and Annie multiple times.

The only person he has a right to kill is himself or anyone that is trying to kill him -- except when he decided to kill them first. Like me. Because I will kill him.

But if someone like wanted to mug him and had a gun then its okay to defend yourself as best as you can. The goal being to get them away from you and disarmed if possible. But not always death is the answer dependin on who it is.

.....

And since he collaborates with Denise, she focuses him on killing me. So he has a right to kill her to shut her up. Becsuse this is an extreme 20 plus year issue. Its not an issue for every one. Its not always the answer.

But in this case it is.

......

Stewart often has someone drop him off where i am,then he walks where I can see him. Then he has them pick him up.

Lately I've honked at him and given him the bird. Just so he knows i see him and i still hate him and i will kill him.

Denise was driving today so i couldn't but i yelled my hate at him,anyways.

.....

Weird was when i got,to the gas station there was a black girl in the back seat of a red SUV with huge eyes like she was a victim of human trafficking. But I always see cops there. And all the Windows were down. IDK why people look like that. Last,time they were worrief about my tire. Windows were down some,dude was outside smoking. She could had screamed. She seemed to be the only one there,

Just a random thing.

------

I was really worried about him going through the,gate. Because they wantef me to sit where I was safe and could see through the fence. But i was super close to the gate and i could hear him within the outer fence. Theres like 4 fences and shit... So he was within the half yard where I was but outside of,the porch fence.

So trespassing. New Mexico law is i can fight back with an equal or lesser weapon. Since he uses needles... And I'm handicapped. I can use a broom, chair, table. Pretty much anything i want but a gun. I could use a knife cause they're close to needles. He uses insulin so a big butcher knife.. Since I'm diabetic ... Insulin won't bother me much but he does use extremely high doses which would cause me to pass out. So then i would be able to equalize that with a stun gun which i have, pepper spray which i have. And blood loss from a butcher knife will cause him to pass out.

Now here I'm not suppose to equalize his crime and kidnap him.

But since I know he wants to kill me, has kidnapped me, etc....

They asked me what i would say if he ends up missing.

I don't care. That was my answer. I don't fucking care. Ive been complaining about him for years.

He tried to kill me and my daughter Annie. Hes constantly harassing us. He follows us. There's records.

If i go through the trouble of disposing him. Dude. They already fucking know where he is. They fucking watch me. They can push rewind on the dam satellite,

So seriously. I go through the trouble of disposing him myself or with my family don't fucking say shit but thank you snd pay me a reward.

Call me,crazy but im fucking telling you. So PREVENT IT.

Or don't bother arresting me or asking where is currently 50 extra pound ass is.

Lets not play dumb, here. Get someone smarter than you if you don't understand, #FBI

Self defense. Hes a threat and has been. Hrs fucking crazier than me,

We all know i can go sociopath, psychopath, serial killer. I can do them all all day any day.

Yes he is crazier than me because he can't go sane.

And despite me sounding crazy. I am actually sane.

......

So. He is terrified of me. He asked me about a year ago to let him help me load my groceries on the black tread at the store. He was shaking like a leaf. I was PISSED because he came up behind me and squeezed next to me,to,get in front of me.

They're all he doesn't have his black bag!!!!! He wears a fanny pack to carry his insulin.

THATS WHAT I DONT GET.

hes scared yet he wants to kill me????

What the Hell. Stay away from me.

Then he will sit where he knows i should be able to see him and he eats candy and smiles all big showing his teeth like he just ate out some ones ass..

Telling me hes gonna have to have his needles out soon.

........

But they tell me he doesnt have his bag.

.....

He will and has tucked them under his dick on his nut sack. And pulled it out in front of me and my child.

.......

I will fucking kill him before he can get his stupid hands in his pants,

I do not fucking care.

Hes lucky i don't have a gun. Because h3 would already be dead.

That's why i don't have a gun.

I almost got one a few years ago.....

But i don't want to go to jail. So if he is close enough for me,to,touch on private property not belonging to him.

Hes a dead man.

........

Anyways so i was concerned for him to go thru the gate because I wasn't feeling the kill rage. So i felt like i wasn't ready so i was weary.

And i kept on although everything else was telling me,he wasn't but to my right,

So my left ear started buzzing like crazy and i was all fucking shut up i can't hear..

But duh. I didn't need to listen at the gate.

So god was there talking to me. Telling me he was there and ready to help me as i need.

To help me as i need.

Once i got the understanding then the buzzing quit.

And I knew to focus my ears to my right.

....

I wasn't alone and,had a lot of support and understanding from a legend. She was really awesome in being curious and understanding. It was pretty awesome. She has a clear and strong voice. I bet she will be a guardian angel one day and i know she will be awesome at it. I was starting to wonder if she was dead because she was so good.

She's not but yeah i was like whoa. I could trust her. Its unusual.

Just because she was awesome doesn't mean she's near death, its just an Earth skill.

I trust the dead most because they can go anywhere even under water.

And i felt i could trust her just as much as a spirit sent from Heaven.

.....

I can hear stewart again.

......