#hippo inspector

[inkwell-intermission]

i dont think droog's ever been high before and i think he cannot handle it at all

[hippoinspector]

[bellysfromthefarside]

6 of 7 - Burger King Remake - “My….belly ….is…. so…. bowed…. out!”

At this rate of stuffing, it didn’t take long for all of the burgers to disappear. Mr. Cleberg placed his hand on the mountain of belly before him and said, “Now, that’s a good job of eatin’. I knew I’d be able to get rid of all of the burgers!” Mr. Cleberg turned away from Travis and picked up the now empty tray. He then left the end of the trailer and went back to the preparation area to clean off the tray and put it away. Tommy looked at the hugely bloated young man lying still on the makeshift bed. Travis’ face was bright red and he was moaning after the vigorous belly stuffing he had just endured. The burger swollen gut was obscenely rounded and bulged in every direction. “You look like a pregnant horse,” Tommy suggested as he began to gently pat the top of Travis’ belly, “I ain’t never seen a dude’s belly stick up so far!” “My….gut’s…. gonna….explode!” Travis struggled to say and then put his hands on the sides of his ridiculously protruding belly balloon, “My….belly ….is…. so…. bowed…. out!” “Man, you’re gut’s so much bigger than a beach ball. And your skin is all stretched out and shit…I don’t think anything could be more stuffed than your gut is now!” “The….pressure….is…. so…much…I…can…barely… breath,” Travis noted and started gently rubbing his huge stomach with both hands. Cleberg walked into the back of the trailer. “OK, boys, its time to go. We’re ready to let the inspectors check out the place.” Travis tried to lift his much heavier body off the makeshift bed, and was not able to do so. Tommy and Cleberg had to help the burger blimp up and into a standing position. For several seconds, Travis stood in the middle of the room, slowly rocking back and forth as he tried to establish balance. “Dude, you’re so front heavy,” Tommy said, watching Travis try to steady himself, “Its a wonder you don’t fall forward!” “Okay guys, here’s the plan. I’m going outside now and meet the inspectors. You two come out a minute or so after I do,” Mr. Cleberg described, then continued, “Then we’ll let them come inside here and look around. They won’t find any burgers in here.” Cleberg laughed and patted the huge burger storage facility that Travis had become as he walked away. Tommy carefully studied the incredibly gorged young man, still trying to steady himself. Travis had to lean way back to support the huge gut he was now sporting. His muscular upper body still looked like it belonged to a competitive athlete, but the amazingly rounded belly seemed more appropriate on a overfed hippo. “So, how does it feel,” Tommy asked, placing his hand on the ballooned gut, “You’re fuckin’ gigantic!” “I…feel…like…like…the Goodyear blimp has been inflated inside my stomach,” Travis looked down at the enormous round protrusion, “The pressure is fuckin’ unbelievable!’ Tommy realized it had been a couple of minutes since Cleberg left. “We’d better head out,” he suggested, “Are you gonna make it?” Travis put both hands on the side of his over-inflated belly and began to slowly steer it towards the door. “Yeah, I think I’ll make it okay.” Tommy was the first out the door and down the short set of metal stairs. He took a few steps over to where Cleberg was standing and turned back to check on the progress of Travis. An amazing site greeted Tommy as he looked back. Travis was trying to act casual as he strode down the stairs, arching his back to support the incredible weight of his belly. He had put on his ball cap and a pair of sunglasses, trying to look cool while still displaying the larger-than-keg sized belly that proceeded him. His boots were loud on the metal steps, then on the concrete as he slowed strutted/waddled over to where Tommy was standing. Before Travis could say anything, two middle aged men in dark suits and sunglasses seemed to appear from nowhere. They spoke briefly with Cleberg then went into the trailer. Each one gave Travis a second look as they went past.

Source

Travis final belly shots, as he staggers out the Burger van, coming soon!!

See you rounder! Tom

[transgenderswagcompetitions]

Okay! So I don't have an official bracket yet, but I finally got every character written down and determined who will be automatically going on to Round 1 and who will have to compete in preliminaries. Everyone automatically moving on to Round 1 had more than 1 submission, while everyone in the preliminaries only had 1 submission.

I will put together an official bracket tomorrow, but here's the list of competitors!

The characters automatically going on to Round 1 are:

Alex Fierro from Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard (4 submissions)

Shi Qingxuan from Heaven Official's Blessing (2 submissions)

Cheery Littlebottom from Discworld (2 submissions)

Nimona from Nimona (2 submissions)

Elle Argent from Heartstopper (2 submissions)

Eolo from The Raven Tower (2 submissions)

Anthony J. Crowley from Good Omens (2 submissions)

Kade West from Wayward Children (2 submissions)

Kel Brezon from Machineries of Empire (2 submissions)

The characters that will be competing in the Preliminaries are:

Rafe from Viscera

Rafe from The House of Whispers

Ash from DIE

Ash from Girl Haven

Jerico Soberanis from The Toll

Nadir from The Thirty Names of Night

Holly from The Mellification

Petrichor from Saga

Kazuhito "Kirito" Kirigaya from Sword Art Online

Aster Vanissen from Witch Boy

Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock Holmes

Vess from Invisible Kingdom

Tonkee Innovator Dibars from The Broken Earth Trilogy

Ben Van Brunt from Horseman: A Tale of Sleepy Hollow

Shuos Zehun from Machineries of Empire

Villy from Basil and Oregano

Valentine Weis from World Running Down

Howl Pendragon from Howl's Moving Castle

Hero from Something's Not Right

Dominic Seneschal from Terra Ignota

Firestar from Warriors

Enjolras from Les Miserables

Beatrice from Umineko no Naku Koro Ni

Axolotl from Wings of Fire

Isa from Transmuted

Inspector Javert from Les Miserables

Addy from Basil and Oregano

June Egbert from Homestuck

Alto from Your Mind is a Terrible Thing

David from Dark Currents

Monique from The Worm and His Kings

Viola Carroll from A Lady for a Duke

Will Avery from Names for the Dawn

Qven-and-Reet from Translation State

Syd from The Heartbreak Bakery

Claire/Claude from Baker Thief

Cersei Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire

Will Treaty from Ranger's Apprentice

Starflight from Wings of Fire

Yadriel from Cemetery Boys

Zila from Aurora Cycle

Kaladin Stormblessed from The Stormlight Archive

AR/Lil Hal from Homestuck

Zoe from Sleepless Domain

Sera from Angela: Queen of Hel

Max Owen from Magical Boy

Jonathan Harker from Dracula

Diana Wrayburn from The Shadowhunter Chronicles

Abraham Van Helsing from Dracula

Never from Skulduggery Pleasant

Benji/Benjamin from Hell Followed With Us

Brick from Warriors

Sidra from Wayfarers

Sascha Vykos from Vampire: The Masquerade

Penfield from Future Feeling

Sallot Leon from Mask of Shadows

Ieshwi from The Stormlight Archive

Vriska Serket from Homestuck

Orlando from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Spencer Harris from The Passing Playbook

Jane Crocker from Homestuck

Lupe from Four Leaf

Trina Goldberg-Oneka from The Seep

Cassandra Igarashi from The Wicked + The Divine

Aya Burnstein from Dancing in the Devils Auditorium

Lucus from High Class Homos

Merlin from The Left Handed Booksellers of London

Nightheart from Warriors

Sol from Dead Collections

Max from Magical Boy

Artemis Fowl from Artemis Fowl

Teo from The Sunbearer Duology

Wanda from The Sandman

Tal Smithson from Time to Orbit: Unknown

Petey the Cat from Dog Man

Captain Artemisia Blastside from Piratica

Rosa from Threads That Bind

Alter Boi from House of Whispers

Wegg from Be Kind, My Neighbor

Loki from Loki: Agent of Asgard

Scorn from Emergent Properties

Alanna of Trebond from The Song of the Lionness

Marcia Overstrand from Septimus Heap

Sage from Strawberry Seafoam

Jules from The Chromatic Fantasy

Peter Parker from The Amazing Spider-Man

Razia Khan from Stealing Thunder

Dipper Pines from the Gravity Falls comics

Mel from Something's Not Right

Hero Shackleby from American Hippo

Kino from Kino's Journey

The Marquis de Carabas from Neverwhere

River Runson from The Melting Queen

Jonathan Morgan from All the White Spaces

Leigh Hunter from Grey Dawn

Xada from LoveBot

Ienaga Kano from Golden Kamuy

Viola/Cesario from Twelfth Night

Silas Bell from The Spirit Bares Its Teeth

Let me know if I accidentally have a character on this list twice! Also let me know if you see anything misspelled or under the wrong book or series. Basically, let me know if I've screwed up lol

Thank you all for your continued patience!

[whisker-biscuit]

The Lines We Cross - Chapter 7

Bentley Comes Through

---------------------------------

See you met me at an interesting time And if my past is any sign of your future You should be warned before I let you inside

---------------------------------  

The pit stop turned out to be a tiny store in Nebraska an eight-hour car drive away, sandwiched between a tattoo parlor and a private attorney's office on a quiet street in a quiet town. “Wiseturtle Tech” was emblazoned over the front. Sly stared up at the blocky, faded lettering and was thoroughly unimpressed.

“I don’t understand why you don’t just ask your boss for a new weapon,” he said for the hundredth time since they’d started the impromptu detour. “Seems a lot easier than going out of your way to a podunk place like this.”

“Shock pistols aren’t manufactured en-masse,” the cop admitted. “They’re custom weaponry that only higher ranks like inspectors can have. I didn’t want to ask Barkley for a new one right after he gave me so much expensive equipment already, and it would have taken a while for them to ship a new one, anyway.”

“What about a regular gun, then? Doesn’t Interpol have those?”

“They do…” Her lips thinned. “I just don’t like using them.”

“...Right.” He gave the storefront another once-over, then turned to look at her holster where her broken pistol was tucked safely away. “So, what makes you think some random tech guy can salvage a mess like that?”

“You'll see.”

Inspector Fox pushed open the door to let them both inside. A little bell overhead chimed in response, but no one was actually at the desk to greet them. The counters behind the desk were covered in dismantled machinery – phones, laptops, kitchen appliances, and a million other things Sly couldn’t identify. The one intact computer sitting on the desk had a screensaver of a little green turtle head bouncing aimlessly off the edges of the screen.

There was a wall offering various tech and accessories, so the raccoon wandered over that way. “Great customer service. Really selling me on this place.”

“Oh, shush.” She stepped up to the counter and rang the service bell. “Hello? Anyone home?”

A large pink hippo in a gray uniform shirt poked his head out of one of the back doorways. His eyes widened and a big goofy grin grew on his face as he recognized the person who had called for him.

“Hi Miss Fox!”

“Hi, Murray,” she greeted him with a warm smile. “Is Bentley here? I could really use his help.”

The hippo nodded emphatically. “Yeah! I’ll go get him right now for you!”

He disappeared from sight again, and she gave Sly a smug look, who only shrugged and went back to studying the wall of stuff. It was a bizarre mix, really – half of what was on sale looked brand new, state of the art and built for the latest tech trends, while the other half looked like it had been lifted from a RadioShack in the eighties. Even if the single camera he’d noted in one ceiling corner was just for show, nothing here was really worth taking. Not for his needs, anyway.

There was a clatter as Murray bounded back out from his hiding place, followed by a tiny turtle with giant spectacles and a little red bowtie over his shirt that matched his coworker’s. He climbed onto the chair across the desk from where the cop stood and only gave Sly a brief glance.

“Hello, Inspector Fox. It’s been a while,” he said in the most nasally voice the raccoon had ever heard. “Is your computer having issues again?”

“No. I’m here for something else today.” She lifted her ruined shock pistol and placed it carefully onto the counter.

Bentley’s mouth fell open. “What did you do to it?”

“Work-related. It was overloaded with electricity, but I can’t really share any more details than that,” she hurriedly dismissed with a wave of her hand. “Do you think you can fix it?”

“I can…certainly try.” The turtle picked it up by the handle between two fingers, as if afraid it might explode. “You know, every time I think I’ve seen every way someone can destroy their tech, you always manage to surprise me.”

“I will take that as a compliment!” She shot a glare at Sly when he snorted. “So, how long will you need?”

“A few hours at least. And that’s if I already have all the parts to replace anything damaged beyond repair. Otherwise, it could be anywhere between a few days to a few weeks.”

The inspector grimaced and shook her head. “If you can’t fix it within the day, don’t bother. It would be faster to get a new one.”

“Alright.” His gaze flickered over to the raccoon, who stared back impassively. “I’ll, uh, give you a call when I know for sure what the time estimate will be.”

“Thanks, Bentley.”

As they left the store together, Sly met Murray’s curious gaze. The hippo gave him a smile as wide as he had Inspector Fox, and Sly couldn’t help but give an awkward attempt at one back.

“Well, it looks like we have some time to kill,” he said the moment the doors swung closed behind them. “What’s the plan while we wait?”

She chewed her lip. “I need to figure out which member of the Five to go after first. And you still haven’t given me that evidence yet, Ringtail.”

“I will, don’t worry. Just wanted to make sure you didn’t high-tail it out of that apartment and leave me stranded.”

The two of them got back in her car, and the fox gave him a long, searching stare. “You’re really going through with this, huh.”

It wasn’t entirely a question. He’d let his emotions slip a little more than he’d wanted the other night, and she had seen his conviction because of it. Even so, he’d had a day and a half since then to think over his decision to rub shoulders with a cop – one from Interpol, no less – and although he had plenty of misgivings, Sly still believed it was his best option for now.

He might know where most of the Five were holed up these days, but that would only get him so far on his own. She had resources, and a seemingly genuine interest in seeing justice served, and it would be so much easier to let her blaze through their hideouts and move stealthily in the chaos she created than trying to break in by himself – especially once they realized he hadn’t been arrested like the rest of Muggshot’s goons. The last place they would ever expect to find him was at the side of the cop who was out to bust them all.

And, after seeing how she had miraculously won a one-on-one battle against the bulldog, he almost dared to believe that he’d be safe with her even if they did find him.

“Yeah, I am,” he answered, honest for once in his life, before pulling out the precious information she so desperately wanted. “Here. For your peace of mind.”

The cop grabbed them and began reading immediately. Her lips moved without sound as she did so; it was a small, almost endearing detail that made his mouth twitch just a little bit upwards.

“These are emails,” she finally said in hushed excitement. “Emails between some of the Five. Muggshot, Sir Raleigh, and Mz. Ruby. But…why would he print them out?”

Because they always wipe their communications but Muggshot has the memory of a gnat, he didn’t say out loud. “Probably because he doesn’t know how to tell the difference between print’ and ‘delete’. You’ve met the guy.”

Inspector Fox hummed, only half listening. Her nose was buried in papers. Sly had already read them while waiting on the roof of her motel, and he knew what she was going to find. He pulled the car seat back until it was nearly horizontal, flipped his hood up over his eyes, and laid his linked hands behind his head like he was going to take a nap.

“The most recent communications are between Muggshot and Mz. Ruby,” she mumbled to herself, “from the same day that I busted him. And the ones between him and Sir Raleigh are from two weeks ago. That’s interesting.”

“Mhm.”

“They all seem to be talking about the same thing,” the fox continued, in a slow, thoughtful tone. “Some kind of special package they’d been ferrying back and forth. Raleigh to Muggshot, and then Muggshot to Mz. Ruby.”

Sly stared at the tiny threadbare stitching of the inside of his hood.

“But…” She tapped a line on the page. “It looks like the latter two settled on a transfer date that’s still another week away. Whatever they were smuggling between them, it never made it to the alligator before Muggshot was arrested.”

He was so still he was barely breathing. “Doesn’t seem like it.”

“I wonder what that package was. These emails are so vague, all I can really tell is that it was probably fragile and priceless, and with all the stolen stuff we found in his penthouse, almost anything could fall under those categories.”

“Well, no use getting our tails in a twist over something they’re never going to get their hands on again,” Sly said, a little curter than he meant to.

She shifted next to him, obviously surprised by his blunt brush off, but then went back to reading without saying anything about it. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, the cop straightened in her seat.

“We’ve got locations!” She exclaimed. “The last transfer point was in Wales, and the next scheduled one is supposed to be in Haiti. That must be where Raleigh and Mz. Ruby are hiding out right now. I wonder what kind of awful schemes they’re involved in. Everyone had been speculating that the Five had gone into hiding in some kind of criminal retirement, but these clearly indicate otherwise.”

“I dunno a single thing about any of that, but between Wales and Haiti, I vote we go to Haiti first.”

“Why Haiti?”

The raccoon finally lifted the fabric from his eyes to look sideways at her. “Two reasons. Number one is that Haiti is way closer to the States than Wales is, and if Mz. Ruby hasn’t heard about Muggshot’s arrest by next week, then you have a chance to catch her at the exact time and place she’s planning to make that exchange with him.”

An exact time and place he was going to avoid like the plague if he could help it.

“Number two is that Mz. Ruby has premonition. The longer you leave her out there, the more likely she’ll look into the future, see her own arrest and disappear, or see her partners’ arrests and warn them to disappear. Then you’re screwed either way.”

“That’s true, but –” she paused suddenly, and narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. “Wait. How do you know about Mz. Ruby’s powers?”

“Are you kidding? It’s one of the things she’s most famous for besides literally summoning the undead. Just because Interpol has its special top-secret info doesn’t mean some stuff doesn’t reach public knowledge.”

Sly held her gaze without blinking until she backed down with an acknowledging nod. Her wariness was frustrating but understandable, especially because of how she wasn’t wrong to have it.

Just for all the wrong reasons.

“Okay. Haiti, then.” Inspector Fox pulled out a tiny notebook from her jacket’s front pocket and began scribbling down notes as she scanned the printed emails again. “That’s going to be about a long flight, so I need to book plane tickets for the earliest possible flight I can find for two people.”

He must have let something show on his face about that, because she huffed and gave him an impatient look.

“What now?”

“Nothing. I just – I didn’t think we’d be flying.” As soon as it left his mouth, he regretted it. She stared at him like he was an idiot.

“How else are we supposed to get there, Ringtail?” She asked sarcastically. “By car?”

“No. I just…I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. You don’t have to be crappy about it.”

The cop began to open her mouth again, and he just knew she was going to pry into things she had no business knowing. With an irritated sigh, Sly readjusted his seat into something actually vertical again so he could be level with her in more ways than one.

“I’m just not the biggest fan of flying, alright?”

The sharp retort prepared on her tongue vanished in the wake of confusion. “You’re not? How come?”

“Consider it a phobia. It paralyzes me.”

She squinted at him. He met her eyes without hiding anything. The truth was the truth, and he could see her defensiveness easing away as she realized it.

“Oh. Well, I’m sure we can get you something to help. Over the counter anxiety meds, maybe.”

The raccoon let out an audible snort. “Nothing short of Klonopin is going to help me with that. Trust me, I speak from experience.”

Before the inspector could respond to that, her cell phone suddenly went off. She answered it immediately albeit with a sharp glance his way, as if to say their conversation was far from over.

“Hello? Oh! Bentley, thanks for calling back, I – okay. Okay. But you – you can? Great! Thank you so much! Yes, we’ll come back later.”

Sly picked at the seams of his gloves, waiting patiently until the fox ended the call.

“He says most of the damage was in the charge port, and he has the spare parts for it,” she told him the moment she hung up. “But it’s going to take the rest of the day even if he skips the other projects that were in line before mine.”

“All day, huh? Pretty sure we’ll have figured out a route to Haiti way before then. That’s a lot of time to kill.”

To his surprise, she shook her head. “Not for me. I have to check in with my superiors about my plan to go after Mz. Ruby first, and get an update on the evidence they’ve been sorting through from the bust on Muggshot. If there’s any new information about his cohorts, I need to know as soon as possible.”

“Sounds…fun.”

“That’s one way of putting it.” The cop gave him a particular look that he decidedly didn’t like. “But it’s all confidential, and I can’t risk you eavesdropping on my phone calls again.”

“I thought we’d already established that it wasn’t actually eavesdropping if your boss was yelling so loud I could hear him across the room.”

“Regardless,” she continued, irritation seeping into her voice, “you can’t be around me for that. I’m not risking it happening again.”

Sly sat up straighter in his seat, not liking at all where this was going. “What, so you’re just going to kick me out of the car for the next six, seven hours ‘til you’re done? What am I supposed to do – sit on the curb with my chin in my hands all day?”

Inspector Fox began working her jaw; a tic he was starting to notice meant she was deep in thought instead of merely frustrated. Her eyes drifted up and down his hoodie.

“How prepared are you for a long-term trip?”

And that was how Sly found himself standing in front of a general merchandise store, watching his cop companion drive away, with the two-hundred US dollars she’d handed him in his pocket and explicit instructions to buy everything he needed for travel.

It didn’t bother him that she could tell he didn’t have many belongings to his name – the fact that he was still wearing the same clothes nearly two days after they’d first met had probably clued her in – but it did bother him that she seemed to think he didn’t have any money. It made sense, because to her he was just a civilian who’d probably been robbed and then captured by Muggshot’s men, but it still smarted his ego as a thief.

With a huff, the raccoon entered the store, grabbed a shopping cart, and made a beeline for the aisle with portable suitcases. Then he made a beeline for the clothing section.

It had been a long time since he’d been able to pick out things for himself. Clothes were always a necessity provided for him by the Five, and only when his previous stuff was starting to get threadbare. A few new shirts, and pants, and a pair of shoes if they were feeling generous. The hoodie he was wearing was courtesy of being stuck in stormy Wales for nearly a month before he’d come to Mesa, because as much as Raleigh hated spending money on the “orphan waif”, he hated having to deal with a sick orphan waif even more.

Even with his newfound freedom, Sly found himself following the same patterns he’d been forced to follow for over half his life; three shirts, three pairs of pants, and a single new pair of shoes were all he put in his cart. He only realized what he was doing when he compared the amount of clothes to the size of the suitcase he’d chosen. There was still far too much space left even if he added his backpack and what he was wearing.

That realization prickled his fur and made his cheeks burn, and so he doubled back and forced himself to pick another two of each despite the voice in his head screaming that he was being greedy for it.

Next up were toiletries.

The raccoon’s toothbrush was already safely tucked away in a side pocket on his backpack, something he’d always done just in case there was ever a chance for him to make a break for it, but everything else had been left behind when he’d been unexpectedly forced out of his room. He began pulling things off the shelves at random as he saw them – toothpaste, shampoo, a fur brush, nail clippers, a pack of razors, and so on and so forth. At one point he passed a jumbo first aid kit and added that to the growing pile as well, knowing that if he got hurt, he would have to rely on himself instead of the cop. She probably didn’t even know how to properly pack a stab wound; much less reset a broken bone or build a makeshift splint.

After that…Sly wasn’t really sure what came after that.

Inspector Fox had promised to be back to pick him up in a few hours, but he still had quite a lot of time to kill. He’d already gotten all the essentials he needed, and there was really nothing else to get that wasn’t wasting space and money.

For a brief minute he toyed with the idea of swinging by the pharmacy and swiping someone’s anxiety prescription meds if he could find something strong enough to last him the upcoming plane ride he was already dreading, but quickly nixed the thought. That was a particularly scummy thing to do even with his skewed ideals. He’d just have to suck it up.

He ended up wandering store aisles, looking at things that held no interest or use to him. So many frivolous, stupid things that people bought. Why buy a toaster and a toaster oven? Why get more than one bed spread unless you absolutely needed a new one? Why spend money on three different kinds of the same food?

Muggshot and Raleigh both loved to do things like that. Sly had lost count of how many times he’d watched the frog import wine worth thousands of Pounds a bottle, or the bulldog order glitzy chandeliers to hang from the ceiling of every room he spent more than an hour in. As a kid who had lived middle class until the night his world was shattered, it had confused him. As an adult who had spent the last eleven years surviving off what little he could get, it infuriated him.

At least Inspector Fox didn’t seem to be like that. Her accommodations were cramped, and a little dingy, but he would take it over glittering fakeness any day of the week. Well, except for maybe that shiny red convertible. That thing stuck out like a sore thumb and he very much hoped she’d ditch it before getting any further in this case.

Something caught his eye in the electronics section.

It was a digital camera, small enough to fit in his hoodie’s front pocket, advertised for taking quality pictures for scrapbooking needs and family vacations. SD card and charger port sold separately but at a bargain, it claimed, and the raccoon didn’t realize how long he’d been looking at it until he noticed an employee approaching him from the corner of his eye.

“That’s a really nice camera,” the deer said, giving him a smile perfected for customer service. “Are you interested? I can take it out of the case for you.”

Sly looked at them, then at the price tag. Two-hundred dollars with all the added accessories. He had nearly four-thousand from what he’d swiped from Muggshot. This would barely put a dent in that. But it still made him hesitate.

Greedy little thing, hissed the voice in his head, a familiar croak with a British accent. Always asking for more than you deserve.

“Yeah, actually, I am interested,” he said louder than necessary, ignoring the weird look the employee gave him as a result. “I’d love to buy it.”

What was he even going to use a camera for? No idea. But it shut up the stupid voice in his head for the time being and that was all that mattered.

When Inspector Fox pulled up to the sidewalk twenty minutes later in her dumb fancy car, Sly was waiting for her with a mostly-full suitcase, turning the camera over and over in his hands. She helped him load his luggage into the trunk alongside her own and all the strange cop stuff she had – was that a jetpack? – and appeared to be distracted by something that she didn't share.

“Why don’t we get something to eat?” She suggested.

“Sounds good to me.”

They ordered takeout and ate in her car instead of inside, at her request. It was quiet for a few minutes as she seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

“How’d your check-in go?” He asked after a while, surprising them both that he was the one to break the silence first.

“Good. It was good.” She hesitated. “They haven’t found anything useful for my case, though. Just stuff to help put Muggshot away for a very long time. That’s as much as I can tell you.”

“’S fine. I’m not really interested in all that cop mumbo-jumbo, anyway.”

“I figured you wouldn’t be.” There was another heavy pause as she studied him.

“Something I can help you with?”

“Sly…” The use of his first name made him tense. “Did you…”

The inspector stopped, took a deep breath, and steepled her fingers together. The look on her face was pinched and intense.

“I think we need to clear the air before this goes any further.”

Sly slowly brought his fork down from his mouth and eyed her cautiously. There were only a few things that would warrant a statement like that, and all of them made him nervous. “Uh, okay. You have something specific in mind?”

“A few questions.”

“Ask away,” he said, leaning back in his seat as nonchalantly as he could manage. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”

“Okay. First question, then – you said you didn’t live in Mesa. Where do you live?” Before he could open his mouth, she gave him a sharp look. “Honest answer, Sly. I want to know.”

The raccoon tapped one finger against his thigh, thinking for a moment. “Honest answer? I don’t have a place.”

Her brows furrowed together in an expression he couldn’t read. “You’re homeless?”

“I mean, I’d personally describe it as ‘between homes’ right now, but…yeah. Essentially.”

The strange look morphed into something that he definitely recognized as pity. He would have challenged it if not for wanting very much to keep his cool as she worked through…whatever it was on her mind.

“But you don’t live in Mesa.”

“Nope. Was just passing through. Really unlucky timing on my part, I guess.”

“Fair enough. Second question – do you have any family you could go back to?”

Sly blinked. “No. I don’t.”

“Any living relatives at all?” She pressed. “People who will worry about where you are or what happens to you?”

“Does it look like I do?” He snapped, tail curling around his ankle. “What’s with the twenty questions all of a sudden, huh? Having second thoughts about this whole thing?”

The cop held up her hands placatingly. “I didn’t mean to dredge up anything! I just wanted to make sure this is really something you want to do.”

“I’ve already told you twice that it was.”

“You did,” she conceded. “You’re right, you did.”

“What’s this really about, Inspector? You were just fine this morning and now it sounds more like you’re trying to come up with an excuse to get me off your back. Did –”

A thought occurred to him.

“…Did you tell your boss about this deal of ours? Did he tell you to ditch me, or persuade me to quit?”

She shifted uncomfortably, clearly called out, and a spike of icy fear shot straight through Sly’s heart.

“What did you say?” He demanded. “What did you say about me?”

“Nothing specific,” she was quick to say, watching him in that very peculiar way again. “I told Bar – my superior that I had found a civilian consultant who could help me get to my next target faster than expected. I didn’t tell him your name, or your species, or anything else. But I had to tell him I was traveling with someone, Sly!”

“Why? Is he your dad? Got a curfew you gotta follow, too?”

“He’s my boss, Ringtail. I have to be transparent in this profession or else no one would trust me. I know you have a weird – thing about the police, but I promise you I didn’t share anything that you didn’t consent to.”

He had most certainly not consented to being put on Interpol’s radar, but he kept that rebuke clamped down under an angry locked jaw. He should have expected this from someone like her; of course she would be as by-the-book as possible. The raccoon folded his arms and pointedly stared out the front windshield.

“What did he have to say about your little escort?”

“To do a background check on you and make sure you knew the danger you were getting into,” she told him. “So here I am, trying to do both before dragging you out of the country on a wild goose chase.”

He wondered if she’d tried to do a formal search on any raccoons named Sly. If she had, he knew without a single doubt that she would not have found anything.

“You want a background check? I’ll give you a background check.”

“That’s not –” she started to say, but he cut her off hard.

“I have no living relatives. My parents died when I was young and I’ve been on my own ever since.” He pulled his forged passport out of his backpack and flashed it just enough so she could see what it was but not the full name on it. “I can travel globally anywhere I want. You can do a search on me but you won’t find anything because I don’t have a criminal record. I don’t have any ties to any family, or friends, or anything in this country, so you don’t have to feel bad about ‘dragging’ me along.”

“Sly –”

“And since you’re wondering how I got those emails – because I know you’re wondering – I got them well before you saved me. I went snooping around in Muggshot’s casino while he was clearing out the locals and stumbled onto them right before those mutts you met came across me. They decided that I needed a full tour of their handiwork of the city since I obviously wasn’t scared enough of them and they were too fucking stupid to actually search my backpack because I gave them all the money I had on me when they demanded it.”

Inspector Fox was staring at him with wide eyes. He kept his chin held high.

“Well?” The raccoon challenged. “What do you have to say to that, Inspector?”

Her body seemed to catch up to her brain, because she suddenly leaned forward and locked her gaze with his, searching for deception. He didn’t even flinch.

“…Okay,” she finally conceded, backing down both physically and mentally. “Okay. Thank you, Sly. I’m sorry for putting you on the spot like that, but I appreciate the honesty. Honesty is important if we’re going to work together for the foreseeable future.”

It was a foreseeable future he was already starting to regret, but he wasn’t ever going to let her know that.

“Yeah, well…I’m just glad you’re satisfied. It’s not every day I spill my guts like that, especially to –”

“To cops. I know.” She finished for him, and there wasn’t as much annoyance over the barb as he would have expected. “You’re starting to get predictable, Ringtail.”

“Am not,” he grumbled, without quite as much bite in his voice. The confrontation had drained all his energy and left him tired more than anything else. “So did you get a flight planned out, or were you too busy gossiping about me?”

“Yes and no. I was mostly setting up hotel accommodations and making contact with the local Haitian police so we could jump right into work once we get there.” She checked her phone. “We’ve still got another hour to kill before Bentley estimated he’d be done, so there’s plenty of time to look at flights.”

“Great. I can’t think of anything more fun than that.”

---------------------------------  

At 5 PM on the dot, with a route established and a flight to catch the next day – which Sly was pointedly not going to think about until he absolutely had to – the two of them reentered Wiseturtle Tech to see Bentley putting the finishing touches on the now-fixed shock pistol. Murray was sitting on a stool nearby to watch him work, idly swinging his legs and making the seat rotate back and forth.

Both employees looked up at the jingle of the doorbell, and both waved. Inspector Fox returned the greeting while Sly just nodded his head.

“I’m almost done, I swear,” the turtle mumbled as he went right back to crossing wires. “I just want to be sure I’m not missing anything.”

“Take your time,” she replied. “I’d rather you triple-check everything than rush a job.”

Her eyes trailed over to the wall of tech, then to Sly, then back. She grabbed his hand very suddenly, startling him.

“Come over here,” the fox said, leading him towards a row of simple flip phones. When he looked between them and her with a raised eyebrow, she sighed as if greatly inconvenienced. “Pick out a burner phone.”

“Why?”

“Since it’s clear we’re doing this together, we’ll need a way to communicate in case we ever get separated, and something tells me you don’t already have one of these.”

He gave her a flat stare, but she carefully avoided looking at him or any aspect of his appearance by gesturing to the electronics instead.

“Go on. It’d make me feel a lot better if I’m going to take you with me.”

Rolling his eyes without any heat behind it, the raccoon picked the cheapest one he could find. The thought of picking a more expensive one since she was paying for it popped up for about half a second, but he squashed it right away. There wasn’t any point in taking advantage of her generosity and potentially making her resent him.

Greedy, hissed Raleigh.

Sly gritted his teeth and practically slammed the phone onto the counter, making Bentley jump and Inspector Fox give him a disapproving look.

“I’ll take this one, please,” he said to the hippo, who had scampered back to his post as an actual employee so he could ring them up for their charges.

“Is this your first ever phone?” Murray asked, sounding strangely excited about the concept.

“Maybe,” he answered warily, watching out of the corner of his eye as Inspector Fox pulled her wallet out while Bentley handed her the fixed shock pistol. “Why?”

“Can I be your first phone number?”

Sly swiveled to look at him, confused. “Uh…why? I’m a stranger to you.”

“Well, sure, but – I mean, the first number in your phone should be someone you can rely on, right? And you can always rely on us to help, no matter the problem!” The hippo started playing with his hands, gaze dropping to the ground. “And – and it’s just…you seem like a really cool guy, too.”

That was…not anything he’d expected to hear at all. Sly blinked, completely caught off guard by the compliment and its sincerity, and didn’t immediately respond.

“...Sure,” he finally said, if only because Murray was starting to wilt like a dying flower as the seconds ticked by without an answer. “I don’t see why not.”

He doubted he’d ever call the guy, or even remember he had his number, but there really wasn’t any harm in letting him plug it in, was there?

The hippo beamed at him, wasting no time in doing so, and then passed the phone along to Inspector Fox, who deftly did the same thing with her own number.

“There.” She handed it to him with a smile. “Now we’re both all set.”

Sly watched her set her fixed weapon back into its holster, and thumbed the new device that was now hiding in his hoodie pocket right next to the camera. “Guess we are.”

“Thanks again, Bentley! And you too, Murray.” The fox waved goodbye to them, and this time the raccoon did the same.

“Bye! Don’t be a stranger!” Murray called after them enthusiastically. His turtle coworker watched them go with a pinched, pensive brow.

The moment they were outside, Inspector Fox pulled her pistol out to weigh it in her hands. She seemed satisfied by whatever she felt, because it went right back where it was supposed to without any further fanfare.

Sly watched her, still feeling the weight of the phone on his person. He’d never had a phone before. He’d never needed one before.

“Okay,” she said, turning to him, and all the levity she’d shown in the tech shop disappeared under determination and anticipation. “Next stop: Haiti.”

“Right.” He could do this. He was ready for this.

“Right after a six-hour flight.”

“.......Right.”

Or maybe not.

---------------------------------   

---------------------------------  

A/N: Transitional chapter is important but still a transition. Hopefully a cameo by our favorite boys makes up for it!

A few notes on this one: 1) I did not mean for Sly to get so hostile near the end there. It was just supposed to be Carmelita questioning him to put her many misgivings to rest, but he apparently decided to take it personally and I wasn't about to tell him otherwise lol.

2) I've always had the headcanon that Sly enjoys photography either because of or separately from doing so much recon. It's such a neat hobby and I feel like it fits his introverted nature. We'll just have to see whether he uses the camera in this verse.

3) It was very fun (and kinda sad) to think up what life might have been like for Bentley and Murray if they had never crossed paths with Sly. While I do think he's the glue that pushed them all together, it's still very likely that the more "mundane" versions of them may have still built lives working with each other. Here specifically, Bentley is the tech guy and Murray helps him with deliveries and heavy lifting. Even so, they've both always felt like something was still missing...

Once again, thank you for reading!

[legendarywolf2022]

The Letter to Pierre Perifel

(To @tbgmoviecoverage from my friend)

🧡💛🧡💛🧡

Dear Mr Perifel,

First, I want to say I'm your biggest fan of your latest movie The Bad Guys. Also, I am really happy to know that you also worked as an animator on other projects such as the Kung Fu Panda franchise, Rise of Guardians and even Monsters vs. Alien (honestly I think those last are underrated gems).

Anyway I want to apologize for bothering you like this, but since the tumblr "tbgmoviecoverage" canceled "submit and post" section I had no choice, but to ask you directly. Like I said before I really love your movie The Bad Guys. It has everything, charming anthropomorphic characters, heists, action, heartfull moments, really funny jokes and animation style like from manga comic. It's really amazing. But I couldn't help but notice some similarities with another concept I am familiar with. I am not talking about Zootopia, or Robin Hood, heck even not about Lupin the Third or Ocean 11 or any Tarantino's movies. No. The truth is that those similarities don't come from movies. They actually come from the more or less well-known video game franchise Sly Cooper.

Believe it or not there are so many similarities you could even imagine. There are heists, some car chases, foxy love interest on the side of the law (who is pretty much combination of Diane Foxington (be a fox, sassy, flirty with protagonist, sometimes quick to judge but understanding) and Police Chief Misty (temper and similar police status as inspector of Interpol), hero's narrating to us, side character who pretends to be good guy help protagonists until the reveal of him(or her) be the main antagonist who betrays them and put them in jail, villain who pretends to be a samaritan, villain who tries to prove be the greatest thief (there are many villains with different goals so that's why I mentioning it thrice). Some cutscenes have really great comic style, except Thieves in Times, that one is more cartoon style, but it's still cool.

The only difference I think they have (aside from location) are instead of 5 typical stereotypes of villain animals like snake, tarantula, shark, wolf it's actually 3 animals like turtle, hippo and of course a raccoon (who is actually a stereotype for a masked thief). And they only steal from others, because and I quote: "There's no honor, no challenge, no fun in stealing from ordinary people."

Fun fact: 6 years ago there was supposed to be a movie adaptation, but due to Ratchet and Clank movie failure, it never happened. Then there was a tv series idea, but it also ended up forgotten and as for the next game, nothing since Thieves in Times came and that was 9 years ago and it's only a speculation now considering the 20th anniversary is coming this year. But after the success of Sonic The Hedgehog 2 and of course The Bad Guys, being the two of the top movies at the box office in weeks, maybe there is still a chance.

So I am asking you only two questions:

1. Was Sly Cooper one of your inspirations for your movie The Bad Guys? (If you know about this game of course)

2. If there would be a chance of making a movie or tv series adaptation of Sly Cooper, would you take a chance working on it as a director? (Because honestly, there is no other who I would trust with this but you. Like I said, your movie is a great example of how to make a great animated heist movie.)

You don't have to answer that second question if you don't want to. But I still want to know the answer to the first one. Again I apologize for bothering like that, but I assure you this will be the only e-mail you get from me. I just only want to know this. And the rest of my knowledge of Bad Guys production I will learn from a blog on tumblr I just mentioned.

So for final words: Congratulations to your successful movie The Bad Guys and wishing you good luck for future projects like sequel or tv series. You, Aaron Blabey, Damon Ross, Rebecca Huntley, Etan Cohen, all actors, editors, musicians, choreographers, animators, everyone who worked on that movie, you all deserved it.

Sincerely, one of your fans.

P.S. So Long Suckers!🐺😎

🧡💛🧡💛🧡

Please share this to everyone who will get this letter to Mr Perifel himself to see it!

[akay4]

Hey Master Thieves! As a Sly fan since I was a kid I gotta ask, which is your favorite of our four protagonists?

[dailyproblemsleuth]

Problem Sleuth, page 1,460

Hippo Inspectors: Ascend to Godhead.

The four PIs are beckoned by their Creator. GPI fondly regards his beloved children.

Author commentary: It is a creation myth as old as time. God summons four hippo versions of himself, and tells them to get to work becoming the entire universe retroactively.

[brookston]

Holidays 4.8

Holidays

Aerosol Day

Baghdad Liberation Day (Kurdistan)

Colorism Awareness Day

Counter Stool Memorial Day

Cushing’s Disease Awareness Day

DAB Day (Draw A Bird Day)

Day of Silence

Day of Valor (Araw ng Kagtingan; Philippines) 

Dog Farting Awareness Day

Draw a Picture of a Bird Day

Geranium Day (England)

Grand Ivy Day

Grand National Ladies Day (UK)

Hammerin’ Hank Day

International Bird Day

International Day of Pink

International Feng Shui Awareness Day

International Pageant Day

International Romani Day (a.k.a. International Day of the Roma)

Martyrs’ Day (Tunisia)

Milk

More Cowbell Day

Mule Day

National All is Ours Day

National Arcade Day

National Best in the World Day

National Catch and Release Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

National Pygmy Hippo Day

Peanuts-Kids-Baseball Day

Polling Day Eve (Samoa)

Pygmy Hippo Day

Rex Manning Day

Rumenians’ Independence Day (Sweden)

Sealing the Frost (Cuchumatan Indians; Guatemala)

Shiba Inu Day (Japan)

Step into the Spotlight! Day

Trading Cards for Grown-Ups Day

Tutor Appreciation Day

Twin Peaks Day

World Mixed Martial Arts Day

World Neurosurgeon’s Day

Zoo Lovers' Day

Food & Drink Celebrations

Milk in Glass Bottles Day

National Bass Day (UK)

National Empañada Day

2nd Saturday in April

Baby Massage Day [2nd Saturday]

Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse [2nd Saturday]

Slow Art Day [2nd Saturday]

World Circus Day [2nd Saturday]

Independence Days

Australis (a.k.a. Grand Duchy of Australis; Declared; 2020) [unrecognized]

Feast Days

Ædesius (Christian; Martyr)

Anne Ayres (Episcopal Church (USA))

Apollonius (Positivist; Saint)

B. Albert, Patriarch of Jerusalem (Christian; Saint)

Buddha's Birthday (Mahāyāna Buddhists)

Constantina (Christian; Saint)

Cornelius de Heem (Artology)

Day of Amon-Ra (Pagan)

Dionysius of Corinth (Christian; Saint)

Feast of the Hummingbird (Aztec)

Feast of the Three Days of the Writing of the Book of the Law begins (Thelema)

Geronimo Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Hana Matsuri (Flower Festival on Buddha’s Birthday; Japan)

Julie Billiart of Namur (Christian; Saint)

Kanbutsu-e (Buddha’s Birthday; Japan)

Kiki the Rattlesnake (Muppetism)

Nuzzle Quran (Malaysia)

Perpetuus (Christian; Saint)

Red Wine Day (Pastafarian)

Saturday before Easter (a.k.a. ... 

Black Saturday (Philippines)

Easter Saturday (Fiji, Papua New Guinea, Seychelles)

Holy Saturday

Walter of Pontoise (Christian; Saint)

William Augustus Muhlenberg (Episcopal Church (USA))

Zoo Day (Pastafarian)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Nēmontēmi, Day 4 (of 5) [Aztec unlucky or fasting days, taking place between 4.5-4.18]

Sensho (先勝 Japan) [Good luck in the morning, bad luck in the afternoon.]

Unlucky Day (Grafton’s Manual of 1565) [19 of 60]

Premieres

All the Old Knives (Film; 2022)

American: The Bill Hicks Story (Documentary Film; 2011)

The Boss (Film; 2016)

The Century, by Peter Jennings and Todd Brewster (Book; 1999)

The Clash, by The Clash (Album; 1977)

David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell (Book; 2014)

Destitively Bonnaroo, by Dr. John (Album; 1974)

Father Noah’s Ark (Disney Cartoon; 1933)

Fever Pitch (Film; 2005)

From Russia, with Love, by Ian Fleming (Novel; 1957) [James Bond #5]

The Gambler (TV movie; 1980)

Hanna (Film; 2011)

Inspector George Gently (UK TV Series; 2007)

Just Dance, by Lady Gaga (Song; 2008)

Killing Eve (TV Series; 2018)

La Gioconda, by Amiliare Ponchielli (Opera; 1876)

Mr. Right (Film; 2016)

Sea Salts (Disney Cartoon; 1949)

The $64,000 Question (Radio Quiz Show; 1955)

Smash by The Offspring (Album; 1994)

Soul Surfer (Film; 2011)

Toys in the Attic, by Aerosmith (Album; 1975)

Twin Peaks (TV Series; 1990)

The Unusuals (TV Series; 2009)

Where Did Our Love Go, recorded by The Supremes (Song; 1964)

Ye Olden Days (Disney Cartoon; 1933)

Today’s Name Days

Beate, Rose-Marie, Walter (Austria)

Lazar, Lazo (Bulgaria)

Diogen, Dionizije, Klement, Timotej (Croatia)

Ema, Emanuel (Czech Republic)

Janus (Denmark)

Julia, Juuli, Juulika, Lia, Liana, Liane (Estonia)

Suoma, Suometar (Finland)

Julie (France)

Beate, Rose-Marie, Walter (Germany)

Lazaros (Greece)

Dénes (Hungary)

Alberto, Dionigi, Walter (Italy)

Dana, Danute, Dziedra, Edgars, Žanete (Latvia)

Dionizas, Girtautas, Julija, Skirgailė (Lithuania)

Asle, Atle (Norway)

Apolinary, Cezary, Cezaryna, Dionizy, Gawryła, January, Radosław, Sieciesława (Poland)

Agav, Irodion, Lazar, Ruf (Romania)

Alla, Anna (Russia)

Albert (Slovakia)

Amancio, Dionisio, Julia (Spain)

Hemming, Nadja, Tanja (Sweden)

Gillian, Jill, Jillian, Jolyon, Julia, Julian, Juliana, Julianna, Julianne, Julie, Julien, Juliet, Juliette, Julio, Julissa, Julius (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 98 of 2024; 267 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 6 of week 14 of 2023

Celtic Tree Calendar: Fearn (Alder) [Day 21 of 28]

Chinese: Second Month 2 (Gui-Mao), Day 18 (Bing-Shen)

Chinese Year of the: Rabbit 4721 (until February 10, 2024)

Hebrew: 17 Nisan 5783

Islamic: 17 Ramadan 1444

J Cal: 7 Aqua; Sevenday [7 of 30]

Julian: 26 March 2023

Moon: 93%: Waning Gibbous

Positivist: 14 Archimedes (4th Month) [Apollonius]

Runic Half Month: Ehwaz (Horse) [Day 14 of 15]

Season: Spring (Day 20 of 90)

Zodiac: Aries (Day 19 of 30)

[brookstonalmanac]

Holidays 4.8

Holidays

Aerosol Day

Baghdad Liberation Day (Kurdistan)

Colorism Awareness Day

Counter Stool Memorial Day

Cushing’s Disease Awareness Day

DAB Day (Draw A Bird Day)

Day of Silence

Day of Valor (Araw ng Kagtingan; Philippines) 

Dog Farting Awareness Day

Draw a Picture of a Bird Day

Geranium Day (England)

Grand Ivy Day

Grand National Ladies Day (UK)

Hammerin’ Hank Day

International Bird Day

International Day of Pink

International Feng Shui Awareness Day

International Pageant Day

International Romani Day (a.k.a. International Day of the Roma)

Martyrs’ Day (Tunisia)

Milk

More Cowbell Day

Mule Day

National All is Ours Day

National Arcade Day

National Best in the World Day

National Catch and Release Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

National Pygmy Hippo Day

Peanuts-Kids-Baseball Day

Polling Day Eve (Samoa)

Pygmy Hippo Day

Rex Manning Day

Rumenians’ Independence Day (Sweden)

Sealing the Frost (Cuchumatan Indians; Guatemala)

Shiba Inu Day (Japan)

Step into the Spotlight! Day

Trading Cards for Grown-Ups Day

Tutor Appreciation Day

Twin Peaks Day

World Mixed Martial Arts Day

World Neurosurgeon’s Day

Zoo Lovers' Day

Food & Drink Celebrations

Milk in Glass Bottles Day

National Bass Day (UK)

National Empañada Day

2nd Saturday in April

Baby Massage Day [2nd Saturday]

Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse [2nd Saturday]

Slow Art Day [2nd Saturday]

World Circus Day [2nd Saturday]

Independence Days

Australis (a.k.a. Grand Duchy of Australis; Declared; 2020) [unrecognized]

Feast Days

Ædesius (Christian; Martyr)

Anne Ayres (Episcopal Church (USA))

Apollonius (Positivist; Saint)

B. Albert, Patriarch of Jerusalem (Christian; Saint)

Buddha's Birthday (Mahāyāna Buddhists)

Constantina (Christian; Saint)

Cornelius de Heem (Artology)

Day of Amon-Ra (Pagan)

Dionysius of Corinth (Christian; Saint)

Feast of the Hummingbird (Aztec)

Feast of the Three Days of the Writing of the Book of the Law begins (Thelema)

Geronimo Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Hana Matsuri (Flower Festival on Buddha’s Birthday; Japan)

Julie Billiart of Namur (Christian; Saint)

Kanbutsu-e (Buddha’s Birthday; Japan)

Kiki the Rattlesnake (Muppetism)

Nuzzle Quran (Malaysia)

Perpetuus (Christian; Saint)

Red Wine Day (Pastafarian)

Saturday before Easter (a.k.a. ... 

Black Saturday (Philippines)

Easter Saturday (Fiji, Papua New Guinea, Seychelles)

Holy Saturday

Walter of Pontoise (Christian; Saint)

William Augustus Muhlenberg (Episcopal Church (USA))

Zoo Day (Pastafarian)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Nēmontēmi, Day 4 (of 5) [Aztec unlucky or fasting days, taking place between 4.5-4.18]

Sensho (先勝 Japan) [Good luck in the morning, bad luck in the afternoon.]

Unlucky Day (Grafton’s Manual of 1565) [19 of 60]

Premieres

All the Old Knives (Film; 2022)

American: The Bill Hicks Story (Documentary Film; 2011)

The Boss (Film; 2016)

The Century, by Peter Jennings and Todd Brewster (Book; 1999)

The Clash, by The Clash (Album; 1977)

David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell (Book; 2014)

Destitively Bonnaroo, by Dr. John (Album; 1974)

Father Noah’s Ark (Disney Cartoon; 1933)

Fever Pitch (Film; 2005)

From Russia, with Love, by Ian Fleming (Novel; 1957) [James Bond #5]

The Gambler (TV movie; 1980)

Hanna (Film; 2011)

Inspector George Gently (UK TV Series; 2007)

Just Dance, by Lady Gaga (Song; 2008)

Killing Eve (TV Series; 2018)

La Gioconda, by Amiliare Ponchielli (Opera; 1876)

Mr. Right (Film; 2016)

Sea Salts (Disney Cartoon; 1949)

The $64,000 Question (Radio Quiz Show; 1955)

Smash by The Offspring (Album; 1994)

Soul Surfer (Film; 2011)

Toys in the Attic, by Aerosmith (Album; 1975)

Twin Peaks (TV Series; 1990)

The Unusuals (TV Series; 2009)

Where Did Our Love Go, recorded by The Supremes (Song; 1964)

Ye Olden Days (Disney Cartoon; 1933)

Today’s Name Days

Beate, Rose-Marie, Walter (Austria)

Lazar, Lazo (Bulgaria)

Diogen, Dionizije, Klement, Timotej (Croatia)

Ema, Emanuel (Czech Republic)

Janus (Denmark)

Julia, Juuli, Juulika, Lia, Liana, Liane (Estonia)

Suoma, Suometar (Finland)

Julie (France)

Beate, Rose-Marie, Walter (Germany)

Lazaros (Greece)

Dénes (Hungary)

Alberto, Dionigi, Walter (Italy)

Dana, Danute, Dziedra, Edgars, Žanete (Latvia)

Dionizas, Girtautas, Julija, Skirgailė (Lithuania)

Asle, Atle (Norway)

Apolinary, Cezary, Cezaryna, Dionizy, Gawryła, January, Radosław, Sieciesława (Poland)

Agav, Irodion, Lazar, Ruf (Romania)

Alla, Anna (Russia)

Albert (Slovakia)

Amancio, Dionisio, Julia (Spain)

Hemming, Nadja, Tanja (Sweden)

Gillian, Jill, Jillian, Jolyon, Julia, Julian, Juliana, Julianna, Julianne, Julie, Julien, Juliet, Juliette, Julio, Julissa, Julius (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 98 of 2024; 267 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 6 of week 14 of 2023

Celtic Tree Calendar: Fearn (Alder) [Day 21 of 28]

Chinese: Second Month 2 (Gui-Mao), Day 18 (Bing-Shen)

Chinese Year of the: Rabbit 4721 (until February 10, 2024)

Hebrew: 17 Nisan 5783

Islamic: 17 Ramadan 1444

J Cal: 7 Aqua; Sevenday [7 of 30]

Julian: 26 March 2023

Moon: 93%: Waning Gibbous

Positivist: 14 Archimedes (4th Month) [Apollonius]

Runic Half Month: Ehwaz (Horse) [Day 14 of 15]

Season: Spring (Day 20 of 90)

Zodiac: Aries (Day 19 of 30)

[inkwell-intermission]

october 18th as per request: droog reacting to a hippo staring at him with its massive sopping wet eyes

[hippoinspector]

THE HONG (sprite edition)

[mspaintripventure]

[withastolenlantern]

This time last year we were exploring the southern coast of Africa; the rocky beaches and rolling veld and scorched rain-shadow deserts. We met creatures great and small, fierce and gentle; we walked with giants and fed near-dinosaurs from our palms. We learned about man's earliest homes, and his propensity for expansion, and violence, but also for unity and greatness. As I sit here, nearly alone in my office, stressing about pandemics and quotas and exhaustions, I remember. I will never forget this place and the lessons it taught me.

[whisker-biscuit]

The Lines We Cross: Chapter 26

A Strange Reunion

--------------------------------------------------

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

--------------------------------------------------

Murray had no idea what time it was when his phone startled him awake. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, hand reaching blindly for the thing that was blaring like a siren on his nightstand. Squinting at a number he didn’t recognize, the hippo silenced the call before laying it back down, then rolled over towards the wall in the hopes of falling back asleep quickly.

No such luck. After barely twenty seconds of blessed quiet, the phone lit up again just as obnoxiously loud as the first time. Murray groaned in irritation as he realized that this was still that same strange number and they weren’t going to go away any time soon. What kind of telemarketers called multiple times in the middle of the night?

The most stubborn ones, apparently.

Against his better judgment, the hippo answered it with a groggy “hello?”

“I need to talk to your coworker right now.”

“Whuh…” He sat up with a frown. That voice was vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t for the life of him place it. “I’m sorry, what? Who are you?”

“It’s Sly – the, the raccoon with Inspector Fox. You gave me your phone number, remember?”

It took a few moments for him to remember the quiet guy who had come in with Miss Fox several weeks back. He sounded impatient and stressed, and that made Murray sit up in bed just as much as recognizing the caller did.

“Oh, uh, yeah, hi Sly, it’s good to hear from you? Why are you calling in the middle of the night?”

“It’s not night where I’m at right now,” Sly said, still impatient although now he seemed a little apologetic about waking him up. “Look, I need to talk to your coworker. Do you have his number so I can call him?”

“Uh…”

The hippo glanced at his shut bedroom door. He and Bentley were roommates, and it was more than likely that the turtle was still awake and working, but he wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea to tell this stranger. Everyone always told him he was too trusting for his own good, and that it wasn’t polite to share personal information about other people without asking them first.

“…Why do you want to talk to him, exactly?”

Sly let out a loud, frustrated huff. “It’s really important. I need – I – it’s – Inspector Fox and I were working on a case together, but she’s in danger. I can’t help her without your friend’s help.”

Murray’s eyes went wide. He clutched the phone closer to his face. “Wait, Miss Fox is in trouble? Is she okay? What happened?”

“I don’t know if she’s okay.” The stress in the raccoon’s voice was even stronger now. “I can’t tell you what happened, but the more time I waste, the more likely it is that she’s – that I can’t help her. So I need to talk to Bentley. Please, Murray.”

He bit his lip and began making his way to the door. “Okay, um…hang on just one second, okay?”

Sly made another noise, like he was being strangled, and that got the hippo moving even faster. If it was true that Miss Fox was in danger and only Bentley could help, then he couldn’t waste any time!

He headed down the hall to his roommate’s room and was relieved to see light filtering through the crack under the door. When he knocked, he heard Bentley jump in his chair.

“Murray?” The turtle asked as he opened the door to squint at him. There were large bags under his eyes beneath his glasses and he looked like he hadn’t even tried to go to bed the whole night. “What are you doing up this late?”

There would be time to scold him for not sleeping later, after they dealt with whatever scary thing Miss Fox and her friend were involved in. He shoved his phone into Bentley’s hands, making him blink rapidly in surprise.

“That raccoon guy who was with Miss Fox just called me,” Murray told him as fast as he could. “He said she’s in danger and he needs your help! You gotta help him, Bentley!”

“I – wha – hold on…” He put the phone to his ear. “Hello? This is Bentley. Why did you call Murray in the middle of – what?”

The hippo watched, anxious, as his friend’s expression changed from confusion to shock to concern in seconds.

“Well, that’s awful, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to…her tech? You’ll have to be more specific; I don’t even know what you have – okay. Uh huh. Shock pistol and a…a jetpack? What model? You need to find the serial number! It – yeah, it should be somewhere on there.”

Murray twiddled his thumbs while Bentley began talking about special technology and how to use them and other things that just went completely over his head. He tried very hard not to shuffle in place, afraid that it might distract him.

“…Okay, that covers everything, I think,” the turtle finally said after several minutes of back-and-forth. “Are we finished? Cause I’d really like to go back to bed. I know you’re worried about Inspector Fox, but I’m sure you’ll be able to – pardon?”

He got quiet very suddenly, eyes growing wider and wider over whatever Sly was saying.

“You want to make a – hang on, hang on, I need to –”

With one quick, nervous glance at his roommate, Bentley turned around to disappear back into his room, still on the phone. His door slammed shut before Murray could join him. The hippo stood there in shock for a minute, unsure if he should follow or not, before deciding that his friend had closed the door for a reason and probably wanted some privacy.

Why he wanted privacy was a mystery, but there were a lot of things the turtle did that were mysteries to Murray.

Almost half an hour later, Bentley finally came out of his room. He trudged over to the tiny kitchen where the hippo had started making a midnight snack while he waited, and gave the cellphone back with a glazed look in his eye.

“Uh, Bentley? Everything okay?”

“I sincerely hope that was a trusted coworker of Inspector Fox,” he said, slow and anxious, ���because if he isn’t, I might have just done something incredibly illegal.”

Murray gasped. “You mean he might have stolen her stuff and you just helped him figure out how it all works?”

“No. Well, yes, but also…”

Bentley gulped.

“…I just helped him build a bomb.”

--------------------------------------------------

Sly watched the Panda King turn his back and leave the medical room without looking even the slightest bit upset, despite the fact he had just dropped a bomb on the raccoon’s life and destroyed it in a single instant. He should have known not to trust one of the people who had attacked his home and killed his family, who had helped kidnap him, but after all these years, he’d thought – he’d hoped – that things had changed. He’d really thought that the panda would protect him when it came down to it.

He should have known better. He should have known that the Panda King was just as much of a monster as –

“You cry over false hope.”

The kit froze with tears still streaming down his face.

He had not forgotten who had perched in the far corner during that fight, but that presence had not felt like the most pressing threat while he had been pleading with King to delay his fate. Now, as his wide eyes slid from the door to the yellow gaze burning straight through him, he felt very stupid for ever thinking otherwise.

“The Panda King was never interested in your wellbeing, and you are foolish to have ever believed otherwise,” Clockwerk continued. He had not moved a metallic muscle from his spot since speaking. “There are no allies for you here. Even his daughter, who you thought cared for you, has turned her back on you. She was the one who told me that you had fled. She is the reason you were caught.”

Sly didn’t dare protest; he didn’t even think of doing so. This creature had always cut to his core by speaking only the truth. He had taken great pleasure in it on the night he had told the raccoon that he belonged to the Fiendish Five, long before he fully understood what that meant. Even now he could feel it – under the hatred still radiating off of his metal shell, the monster bird was delighted that the few people Sly had cared for in this nightmare had betrayed him.

He took a deep shuddering breath and did his best to remain perfectly still. His chest ached horribly under its bandages. The owl studied him in silence for several agonizing seconds.

“Our conversation from here out does not leave this room.”

It was a statement, not a command, and the boy swallowed alongside a stiff, terrified nod. Seemingly satisfied by the agreement, Clockwerk stepped forward until he was standing at the foot of Sly’s bed. He had to hunch heavily forward, too big for the room’s ceiling; it made him loom even more over the tiny, trapped subject of his attention.

“As the Panda King said, you will join the rest of my team in their criminal exploits beginning next week. The consequences have already been laid out for if you refuse, or attempt escape again. These parameters will always remain in place.”

The raccoon didn’t close his eyes in despair like he wanted to. He continued to stare at the monster, paying attention for all he was worth.

“It is clear how much you despise us. You would run from us again if given the chance. The only reason you will not is that as much as you hate working for those who killed your parents, you fear death and pain even more.”

Clockwerk leaned down until his beak was an inch from Sly’s face. Now, there was nothing but hatred in those terrible eyes.

“Make no mistake, Sly Cooper: your survival from my attack was deliberate. I could have killed you as I did your father, and no one – not the Panda King, not the rest of the Fiendish Five, not anyone – would have dared to stop me. You despise all of us, but it is nothing compared to the loathing I have for you. Your name, your blood, your heritage, everything. You live by my word alone, and you will die by my claws. Sooner or later, you will become bold enough to retaliate against the others, or think you are capable enough to slip out of their grasp. And even if it is neither of these things, you are not infallible. You will eventually outgrow your usefulness to my team. They will tire of your presence, and they will ask me to relieve them of the burden that you are. It is not a prediction; it is a fact.”

The child could feel his breaths coming out faster, shallower, but it was as though all his panic was locked deep in his body as he stared into that yellow gaze while the owl told him exactly what his fate would be. He couldn’t flee, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even blink as the words sank into his brain and his heart. All he could do was clutch the blanket in his lap for all it was worth, waiting for things to end.

Finally, miraculously, Clockwerk pulled away, giving just enough space for Sly to feel in control of himself again. He let out one single, quiet choked sob, trying desperately to keep his body from falling apart for how much it had started shaking. Never once, though, did he take his eyes off of the threat still standing before him.

“There is one exception to this outcome, however.” The monster shifted so that he could lift one of his clawed feet into the air. Sly’s eyes locked onto the Cooper cane he was holding. “I told you, five years ago, that we would see how well you would measure up to your father. The Fiendish Five all believe that this referred to how useful you would be to them as a criminal, but that is not my true intent. Only you will have that knowledge. You have made yourself known as a Cooper, now, and thus you have earned my utmost honesty. Do not take it for granted.”

The raccoon gave another stilted nod, unsure if he was even supposed to respond but not willing to risk it.

“You see, I play a very different game than the rest of them. When we stole the Thievius Raccoonus, they saw it only as a means to an end; they have been using the book as a mere tool without understanding what it truly does. It does not simply give you a better way to achieve your criminal goals, but instead makes you a better criminal. The fools in your bloodline have flaunted this book of secrets, of betterment, for centuries upon centuries with no struggles in their lives. They inherited it through the ages, as if not thieves but kings, until this chain of arrogance and ego was finally broken with your very existence.”

Clockwerk placed the cane on the bed in front of Sly. He leaned forward again, scrutinizing the boy as if daring him to take it. The kit didn’t move.

“Let’s make a deal, Sly Cooper. You and I,” the owl said. His tone was unreadable. “I want to see what becomes of a Cooper who is forced to rely on his own raw talent instead of the Thievius Raccoonus. I want to see if you can keep up with the Fiendish Five, but more than that, I want to see if you can surpass them. I want to see if you can prove that a Cooper is worth more than the falsehoods and thievery that they are known for.”

He tilted his head, and the expectation was clear. Sly Cooper picked up the cane.

“I want you to steal back your Thievius Raccoonus from every member of my team. If you are caught in your attempts to do this, it will be treated as a betrayal, and we will kill you. However, if you succeed in restoring the book completely…you will be free. Free of the life you are living, and free of the name that you carry. Do you accept these terms?”

The very idea of freedom from all of this made his heart beat out of his still-bloody chest. He thought about the deal this monster was offering. This monster who had killed his father – the strongest person he’d ever known – and had hurt him so terribly. He was no more trustworthy than the rest of the Fiendish Five, and yet…

And yet, what other choice did the raccoon have? He was condemned no matter what. At least in this way, there was the tiniest bit of hope for a future he no longer dared to have.

Sly Cooper took one deep breath, then another, and held the cane out towards Clockwerk. His voice, thin and raspy from screaming, did not waver.

“I accept.”

Clockwerk took the offered hook by two talons. He shook it with deadly honesty, gentle as could be, then released it and turned towards the door.

“I have left my portion of the Thievius Raccoonus here with the Panda King to give you a sporting chance,” he said, staring at Sly as though he was a powerful rival and not an injured child. “My home is in the Krakarov Volcano, but I do not expect you to make it that far. In fact, let us assume that the only time you will ever see it is if and when you fail in this game we have begun. I think it would be a fitting place for the death of the very last Cooper.”

--------------------------------------------------

When Carmelita woke up, it was to the loud, constant hum of machinery.

She groaned as she gingerly sat up, aching from head to toe as if she’d just been hit by a car. The ground beneath her was metallic, but deceptively warmer than she would have expected. When she looked up, she was surprised to see the slightest reflection of light in front of her. She did a slow three-sixty to the exact same sight at every turn.

She was in a large, glass…thing.

The inspector pressed one hand against the glass. It felt warm as well. Realization set in that it wasn’t just the container that was like this; the very air itself was thick with heat, despite the room she was in having no obvious source for it beyond the half dozen computers and their ridiculously-sized monitors lining the walls. From every top corner, four cameras were trained on her, and she could see heavy-duty vents embedded all over the floor outside her odd cage seemingly at random.

The single exception to all the fancy technology was one wall-to-ceiling mirror, which mocked her as she stared at it and her own face stared back. Her winter coat was in tatters – probably ripped to shreds by the talons of whatever had carried her off. Her hair was a knotted mess of a braid, and there were tiny grey flecks scattered about in it that was definitely not snow. Carmelita began lifting her arm to investigate and immediately regretted it as her body protested with pain.

She pulled up the rim of her shirt, mysterious hair dirt momentarily forgotten, and grimaced when she found a dark purple bruise wrapped around her entire midsection. It was visible through her fur, in the exact shape of the crushing grip that had stolen her breath and knocked her unconscious. Holding back the full-body shudder that threatened to overtake her at the memory took more willpower than she would ever admit.

Aside from the bruising, she was unharmed. The fox viewed it as a silver lining in this terrible situation she had found herself in, and next began cataloguing what she had available for escape.

Her jetpack and shock pistol were missing; it took a moment to remember that she had removed them while talking Sly down from his near-homicide and hadn’t picked them back up before finding him outside of the observatory. Taking them off was something she didn’t regret, even though she kicked herself for her lack of foresight after the immediate threat had ended. The only thing still on her was her radio, but, as she scrambled to turn it on, it was a hope quickly dashed when all it spit out was static.

Without the radio working, she had no way to contact Interpol. Her GPS tracker had been left in the truck with most of the rest of her stuff for the sake of mobility and speed over anything else. None of her team knew where she was; she doubted any of them had even seen her get carried off. Clockwerk – because it had to be Clockwerk, who else would it have been? – had ambushed her and Sly so silently that she hadn’t even heard his approach until it was too late. No one else would have thought to look up while they were preoccupied with securing the Panda King’s fortress. The inspector was on her own when it came to getting out of here.

She had the thought, for a moment, of her former partner – and then firmly pushed it away before it could give her false hope. There was a good chance he had no idea where she’d been taken, and even if he did know, he was terrified of the Five’s leader. Expecting him to follow her to the ends of the earth with his worst nightmare waiting there was expecting far, far too much.

Even if he didn’t hate her anymore.

Mind made up, Carmelita began testing the glass to see if it was thin enough to shatter with her feet or even the radio. It didn’t give no matter how much force she hit it with, so instead she turned to the floor where it met metal. There wasn’t the slightest weakness she could find in the entire circle. The glass rose high above her, capped by a metal cover, but the diameter of her container was too wide for her to climb up the cylindrical walls.

Frustrated and sweating up a storm, she began taking off her shredded coat, then paused as she realized there was a slight weight to one of the pockets that she hadn’t noticed before. The inspector pulled the thing out quickly, hoping it was something she could use.

It was Sly’s camera she held in her hands.

Carmelita’s mind stalled with surprise. She hadn’t seen this thing since Wales. She remembered it, of course – the raccoon had gotten it somewhere between the USA and Haiti, and she’d often catch him taking pictures of just about any novelty he saw while they traveled, which had been a lot.

In hindsight, maybe she should have taken more note of the fact that he considered mini-marts and migrating birds to be among such novelties.

Thinking about Sly and his terrible lot in life made a rush of righteous anger flow right through her. The fox tucked the camera safely away back in her coat, deeming it a mystery to solve at a later time, and turned towards the open room beyond her odd prison.

“Hey!” She yelled up at the ceiling. “Is anyone there? What’s the meaning of this?”

There was no response except for that continued, constant hum of machinery. Carmelita worked her mouth before taking a step closer to the nearest barrier.

“I know you’re watching me. I can see those cameras. What do you want? Is this a ransom for Interpol? Some kind of retaliation? What demands do you have?”

Still nothing. The inspector let out a frustrated growl and kicked at the reinforced glass. All it gave her for her troubles was a smarting toe.

“You’re Clockwerk, aren’t you?” She called out one last time, hoping to get a reply through that. “Kidnapping doesn’t fit your known MO. Is it because I’ve arrested all your colleagues? If you were afraid of getting caught too or wanted revenge, why not just kill me?”

The cameras all stared at her in mocking silence. She bit her lip, running over the few facts she had. Clockwerk didn’t do things like this. He worked in the shadows, never revealing himself except to help his fellow Five escape at the very end of a heist. The bird was as elusive a criminal as Conner Cooper had been.

Cooper.

Inspector Fox stiffened as she remembered that night in Kunlun. Sly, dejected and certain his life was over. Offering to let her arrest him because he thought it was the only choice of fate that he could make for himself. The pure horror on his face as he looked up at what had felt like the grim reaper bearing down on them both, and then even worse – the resignation that he had clearly fallen into without even trying to run.

She thought about Jing’s story of his failed escape and the price he had paid for it. His strange shift from just wanting to get away for good, to going back over and over to steal his family’s book back for no rational reason.

“This isn’t about me at all, is it?” She asked, as much to herself as to her absent captor. “It’s about Sly Cooper.”

It was like the name alone had flipped a switch of a long-dormant machine. The computer screens all over the room turned on, and Carmelita was suddenly, finally, face to face with the dark silhouette of the leader of the Fiendish Five.

“It has always been about Cooper.” The giant owl said. His voice was cold. Emotionless. Robotic, even. It sent a shiver up her spine. “From the very beginning to the very end.”

“But why?” She questioned, understanding the actions but not the motive. “You killed a rival criminal in Conner Cooper, and then kept his son alive because he was useful. But why the – why toy with him all this time? I know he was trying to take back what you’d all stolen from him, but…he doesn’t actually care about that, does he?”

Clockwerk didn’t respond. He simply stared at Carmelita, his yellow eyes the only detail she could fully make out in his shrouded visage.

“I asked him why he kept risking getting caught by you guys, and all he could say was that he needed to get his book back. He told me right before you attacked us that he had to do that, and then he’d be able to ‘escape for real.’ It sounds like someone obsessed with fixing their family’s reputation, but that’s not what was going on at all, was it?”

Her voice came out louder and louder as the revelation hit her in full, terrible force.

“All he’s ever wanted was to be free, but he knew you’d come after him. He’s terrified of you because he fully believed it wasn’t possible to escape while you were out there. You made him think that you – that you’d let him go if he stole his book back? That you wouldn’t chase after him if he, what, if he humiliated your team enough? Is that what this is all about?”

The owl’s head twitched to the side in a perfect forty-five-degree angle. “I suppose I can indulge in this thread you’ve managed to untangle, just this once. It has been a very long time since someone who wasn’t a Cooper discovered one of my plans, after all, and you are certainly not in a position to do anything about it for much longer.”

Carmelita suppressed another shiver, and refused to look anything other than the confident, collected Inspector she had become over the course of this entire affair.

“While it is true that I allowed Cooper to believe he had any fate but death waiting for him by recovering the Thievius Raccoonus, you are only half-correct about my motives. I do not care about such shallow, insignificant things as the Fiendish Five’s reputation. Any failure on their part to protect their stolen pages of that book was entirely on them, but I would never allow the world to assume that I would let Cooper go if he were successful. It is not possible for him to succeed, you see. Even though the rest of my cohorts disappointed me, I expected it. I planned for it.

“I wanted to show the world that without their precious book, the Cooper line was nothing. It has been their crutch for thievery for as long as I have known them, and now that I have taken it away, the proof of that is known to all. Sly Cooper was not even able to get this far on his own; he was so weak that he was forced to seek aid from you.”

The dark glee in his voice made her skin crawl. Her tail twitched without consent while she absorbed his twisted words and motives.

“I don’t understand,” she said, very slowly, as every alarm in her mind suddenly went off at once. “You keep talking about the Cooper family, like – like you’ve been around as long as they have. How old are you?”

Clockwerk regarded her for a long, silent minute. Eventually he tilted his head in the opposite direction, almost as if amused by the inquiry – or perhaps deciding she was worth an honest answer for her part in the game he had been playing without anyone else knowing.

“Perfection has no age,” he finally said. “I have kept myself alive for hundreds of years with a steady diet of jealousy and hate.”

Carmelita couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “What are you saying? That you’re…immortal?”

“Revenge is the prime ingredient in the fountain of youth. I have been patiently awaiting the day when I would finally eclipse the Cooper family’s thieving reputation.”

The glee was gone. All that was left was the darkness and the spite. It was so powerful that the inspector nearly averted her gaze even though she wasn’t the target of it.

“Those arrogant Coopers dared to claim they held the title of master thieves, but they were always inferior. I am a master thief. I was the master thief. The original. The antecedent. And I have proved it, time and time again.”

“How…how would you prove something like that?” She asked, dreading the answer but compelled to learn.

“By achieving the ultimate crime.”

Soulless yellow eyes burned into hers. The eyes of a predator.

“To steal the lives of such master thieves – that is how I prove my superiority.”

Carmelita recoiled, appalled and horrified by the thing she was talking to. “Criminal” was too kind a word to describe him, even among his Fiendish companions. He was nothing less than a monster.

“How many?” The question came out in a whisper against her own will.

“Nearly all of them. Those who did not succumb to sickness, or injury, or unfortunate circumstances. I hunted entire family trees through the generations. I diluted their sprawling lineage across the entire world, narrowing it down meticulously until only one pitiful, struggling bloodline remained. I nearly completed my goal with Conner Cooper, but he evaded me for too long and became too well-known through his exploits and his book. So, I found fulfillment in his son instead.”

She finally let herself shudder. Sometime in their “conversation”, her fur had begun standing on end and hadn’t stopped. It was no wonder Sly had believed himself out of options the last time she had seen him. She had no doubt that if she hadn’t intervened, he would not have survived the trip to wherever Clockwerk had taken her.

That thought gave her pause.

“…What about me?” The fox dared to ask. “I stopped you from doing what you wanted to with him, and now I’m…here. Why let me live when I wasn’t even your target to begin with?”

“Your actions are inconsequential. Your life is inconsequential. You are alive only because I found a use for it.”

“And what use is that?” She demanded, drawing her shoulders up as high as she could to hide the way her fur was still puffed out in fear.

“Bait.”

The word caught the inspector completely off guard. Her bravado faltered just a little bit in the wake of confusion.

“I’m…what?” She blinked. “For Sly?”

Clockwerk’s answer was the slightest tilt of his head back to a vertical position. Carmelita would have pretended to scoff if not for the sick pit growing in her stomach.

“That’s not going to work. We were only partners for a month before I found out who he was, and I’ve been trying to arrest him since. He hates me.”

“Does he?” It was asked with something actually bordering on an emotion other than hatred and delight; the first he’d shown. The fox had been starting to wonder whether he was even capable of it.

And yet, that emotion was one she couldn’t identify at all.

“Of course he does!” For some reason, convincing Clockwerk of this suddenly felt very important. “He nearly killed me in Wales. And – and in Kunlun, I tried to gun him down when we ran into each other again.”

She pushed the last interaction they’d had out of her mind. Even if they had made some tentative form of reconciliation in the moment, it wasn’t enough to repair the chasm of hurt she’d caused him. Surely not enough for the raccoon to risk his life for her.

“If you truly think so, then perhaps I’ll simply kill you right now.”

Carmelita froze. The owl continued.

“You won’t survive either way, of course, but maybe a different lure would work better if you’re so certain you won’t be enough to draw him out. Considering the Panda King was the only of my former colleagues he had any attachment to, and has since been…compromised, his daughter may be an ideal substitute.”

“Don’t you dare harm that girl!” The inspector slammed her hands on the glass in thunderous, instinctive fury. “She has nothing to do with any of this!”

Clockwerk cocked his head. “What a peculiar response. I would have thought you’d beg for me to spare your life if I were to switch your places.”

“I will not let you threaten an innocent person,” she growled. “Not her, not Sly, not anyone.”

He chuckled. It was a low, terrible sound. “It’s too late for empty platitudes, Inspector Fox. We shall see whether Sly Cooper is willing to come and save you. If he does not, then I will dispose of you and find a better lure.”

And with that promise made, the ancient leader of the Fiendish Five disappeared from every screen. Carmelita collapsed to her knees, knowing she was still being watched but pretending otherwise as she stared at the giant mirror across the room and wondered whether it was worse to wish for Sly to save her or not.

Eventually, almost without thinking, she reached for her discarded winter coat and found the camera within. She ran her hands over it but didn’t turn it on, thinking over everything that Clockwerk had just confessed to. Her mind spun over the utter depravity of the creature she was trapped by. Knowing that Sly, or Jing, or any other number of people would be at his mercy was as bitter a pill to swallow as knowing that regardless of what happened from here on out, her life would probably not last long enough to witness the aftermath.

For the first time in a very long time, Inspector Carmelita Fox felt well and truly helpless.

She didn’t know when she finally began looking through the camera. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, but at some point, her brain snapped out of its stupor long enough to realize that this inconspicuous little device was all she had left of her former partner. She didn’t know how it had gotten into her coat pocket, but she didn’t care – right now it was the most precious thing she had ever owned, right next to her lost shock pistol.

At first, they were exactly as she expected: pictures of stores and streets and cities, pictures of scenery, pictures of the occasional oddity that stuck out more than usual. But as they moved from the U.S. to Haiti to Wales, she began noticing herself popping up more and more. What had started as a sporadic appearance of blue hair or orange jacket in the background started moving to the foreground, and then became the focus completely.

There were pictures of her admiring the street vendors at a farmer’s market; pictures of her arguing with an officer over whether her parked car was a registered police vehicle; pictures of her up close, clearly looking at Sly behind the camera with a bemused yet open smile. Almost every single one was without the fox knowing the picture was being taken, and the few that weren’t featured the same slightly confused, honest happiness as Past-Her seemed to find it funny that her partner had wanted photos of her.

She’d had no idea. All the time they’d spent traveling together, that month or so of his snark and irritability and gradual trust, she had thought he surely couldn’t have felt the same way about her as she had started to feel about him. Whether he was aware of it or whether it was a subconscious thing, Sly Cooper had gone from seeing her as the cop who could be his means to an end, to someone he seemed to truly care for.

Carmelita cycled through all of them slowly, drinking in every detail so that she could commit them all to memory as she sat curled up against the wall of her glass prison and waited for her fate to be decided. This camera and its contents had been a candid snapshot into the raccoon’s mindset; she wanted to hold on tight to the feathery feeling in her chest every time a new picture of herself came up for as long as she possibly could.

And then, very suddenly, all pictures of her were gone. It was back to scenery and cities again, as it had started out, although she recognized very few of these locations. The personality he had started to grow in his photography – both with her as the subject or without – disappeared just as abruptly. All the new photos were almost clinical; no longer snapshots of lives and what it was like to live, but simply back to the basics of seeing something and taking a picture of it just to show he did.

Understanding hit the fox like a freight train, but she still gave the new batch her full attention. There were hundreds of them stored on the thing from when Sly had first bought it all the way to Kunlun; she recognized some of the scenery at the base of the mountain as the exact same that she had passed with her Interpol team probably days later. By the time she reached the end, her throat was dry from lack of water and her muscles nearly cramped every time she shifted.

And then, she came to the last one.

It was Sly – the only picture of him across the entire gallery – sitting on a bed, in a room that Carmelita didn’t recognize. He had his chin propped up in his hand and he was staring out the nearby open window at the night sky, obviously unaware of the camera aimed his way. There were bags under his eyes and he looked both contemplative and melancholy.

She could see historical Chinese décor all over the room, and the reason for the picture clicked in her head – as well as how the camera had ended up here with her. Either the raccoon had left it out where Jing had gotten ahold of it, or he had given it to her directly. She wondered when the teenager had slipped it into her coat pocket and couldn’t help but be impressed for not noticing it. Clearly, she had not been lying about learning a few things from her surrogate brother regarding sleight of hand.

Just as the inspector began working her way through the photos a second time, the screens in the room booted to life again, startling her to her feet in preparation for fight, flight, or another harrowing conversation.

This time, Clockwerk did not waste any time before cutting to the chase.

“Sly Cooper is here.”

Carmelita swallowed and flexed her hands at her side. She fought the icy panic and the dangerous hope that were both creeping across her mind, pretending instead to be indifferent to the announcement.

“He knows you are alive, but not where you are. I am curious if he will be able to find you before my security measures overpower him.” If the owl had seen through her bluff, or was worried that Sly would succeed, he did not show it. His metal countenance was as unreadable as always.

“I believe in him. He’s made it this far on his own,” she dared to say over the fear that her captor would take it as a challenge that he was underestimating her former partner.

“Indeed, he has. His luck has certainly held out longer than expected.”

Clockwerk leaned forward, and she very much did not like the sudden gleam in his eye.

“But this time, Inspector, you are not going to be his savior. You are going to be his doom.”

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A/N: I love villains. I love monologues. I love villain monologues. I may love these things a little TOO much because I think I made Clockwerk awfully chatty compared to canon, oops. The cat is finally out of the bag, the truth is finally revealed, and now we know exactly why Sly was so single-mindedly obsessed with recovering the Thievius Raccoonus instead of simply disappearing into the dead of night.

Also, kudos to everyone who predicted that Bentley and Murray would make another appearance! There were quite a few of you and I was delighted at how many remembered that Sly had a way to contact them.

[slycooperandcarlosfox]

The cooper gang decide who should do the belly dancing minigame

Bentley: Okay, time out. Here's what we should do. Let's take a vote.

Carmelita: Fine.

Murray: Okay.

Sly: All those in favor of Carmelita doing the belly dancing minigame, say "aye".

Sly + Bentley: Aye.

Bentley: All those who think Murray should do it?

Sly: K-K-Keeping in mind that you (points at Carmelita) don't get a vote.

Carmelita: Why?

Sly: Because you're the police officer who chases us. you're not one of members.

Bentley: All those who think Murray should do it say 'aye'

Murray: No, Carmelita gets a vote.

Sly: No, she doesn't!

Carmelita: Of course I get a vote!

Bentley: All members for Murray belly dancing, say "aye". All people who are part of the cooper gang who are for Murray, say "aye". All people who are part of the Cooper Gang who are for Murray instead of Carmelita say "aye".

Murray:*glaring* Aye.

Bentley: Two against one! Oh, well. Looks like Carmelita going to shake her hips for those guards over there.