#him on his knees with his hands latched onto billy’s waist as he pleads

[simpfornegan]

can’t stop thinking about lactation kink with omega!billy and alpha!homelander…😵‍💫

[mourntheantagonist]

we all need someone to stay

Here’s an excerpt from something I have been working on for a while now. I would definitely appreciate feedback because I have been considering dropping this story. Enjoy!

read on ao3

The first time it happens Billy is mortified. 

The two had fallen asleep in Steve’s bed clothed in pajamas with a good one foot of distance between them. Steve was sprawled out on his stomach with his arms above his head on either side of his pillow, while Bill slept on his left side, facing away with his hands tucked beneath his head. Their only point of contact was at their feet where their toes gently touched one another. 

At some point in the night Billy abruptly wakes up from a nightmare. He doesn’t remember at all what it was about, but he can tell it was a nightmare judging by his uneven breathing and the dampness of the sheets beneath him. But oh god. It’s not sweat. The flannel pj’s are sticking to his thighs and he can feel the dampness half way up his back. Billy can tell by the temperature that it couldn’t have happened long before he had woken up. Oh god, oh god, oh god… Billy is panicking because he has no idea what to do. He can’t bring himself to move. He’s stuck. Tears are filling his eyes as he curses to himself and tries desperately to come up with a way out of this.

But then he feels Steve's body shift to move closer to Billy, and he all but sobs the words. “Stop Steve!” He says it loud enough that Steve is pulled from whatever half-sleep he was currently in. Steve doesn’t move after that, stuck in an awkward position of propping himself up on one elbow and the other arm hovering aimlessly. Billy can’t make the tears stop and he tries desperately to quiet them but it’s no use.

“Billy, are you okay?” Steve asks hesitantly. Billy continues to choke on his sobs and stays as still as humanly possible. Like if he’s still and quiet enough he might disappear.

“Get out.” It’s a quiet demand. It’s not harsh. It’s desperate. “Please.” Billy is sobbing louder and Steve is unmistakably not moving, and Billy has no choice but to plead. “Please Steve, get out. Get out. Get out.” He’s speaking at only a whisper now.

Finally he feels the bed beneath him shift but god dammit he’s not leaving. Instead Steve finishes the motion he had currently been frozen in. Billy is continuing to plead with Steve as he moves closer. Getting louder and louder until Steve’s knee makes contact with the sheet just behind his back. Steve is frozen again as the realization sets in, and Billy is holding his breath making silent wishes of death. “Oh.”

And that sets Billy off into a fit of sobs. Because now Steve knew. And Billy knew that Steve knew. “Please leave.” And finally Steve seems to listen as Billy can feel the dip in the mattress suddenly disappear. Billy’s hands are covering his face but he can see between the gaps in his fingers that instead of doing as Billy said, he crouches at the side of the bed near and looks at him with those damn sad eyes. 

“Billy can you please look at me?” Steve asks softly. Billy just shakes his head and continues to beg Steve to leave. However, Steve stays motionless. The only motion he makes is to slowly plant a soft kiss to the side of Billy’s head. “Billy I’m not mad. Please just look at me.” He whispers in his ear. And against his better judgement, Billy lifts his head slightly and moves his hands lower down his face. His eyes remain closed. Steve figures this is the best he’s going to get out of him. “Billy it’s okay. Accidents happen.” 

And god that was supposed to help but it stung. Billy wanted him to yell at him. Tell his he’s disgusting because he fucking pissed the bed. He wants him to yell at him for acting like a fucking five year old. He wants him to yell at him for how broken he is and throw him out. But he won't do that and it pisses Billy off.

Because of course Steve is perfect, and Billy doesn’t deserve perfect. He makes a final plea for Steve to leave that inevitably fails. 

Then Steve latches on to the covers that were the only thing keeping Billy from collapsing in on himself. He begins to pull them off of Billy and out of pure instinct Billy grabs onto Steve’s wrist hard and aggressive. His eyes are open now and they are staring at each other. Billy’s eyes pleading with Steve’s to stop, and Steve’s giving him the same sad eyes. Steve stares right into his very soul and says it again. “Billy it’s okay.” And for a moment too long he lets himself believe it and quickly the covers that protected his dignity were laid out on the floor. Billy was fully clothed yet completely exposed and he wanted nothing more than to just die right there on the spot. He wanted whatever bit of mind flayer that was left in him to kick in and have him explode into a pile of flesh. 

But Steve doesn’t run away from the sight. Instead he takes hold of Billy’s hand and gently rubs circles with his thumb. “Let’s get you cleaned up babe.” Billy has given up any fight he may have had left in him and lets Steve pull him up from the bed. Steve doesn’t let go of Billy’s hand as they make their way towards the bathroom. Every movement Steve makes is slow and careful. Steve gives Billy a chaste kiss before releasing his hand from Billy’s. “It’s alright” he says before taking hold of the bottom of Billy’s shirt to take it off. Once it’s over his head Billy’s arms immediately fold over themselves. Steve doesn’t know if it’s because he’s embarrassed, or if it’s to conceal his scar. Steve gives another kiss to his forehead before crouching down and working at the tie of Billy’s pajama pants. Billy can’t stop the tears from coming again. All he does is look at the ceiling and try to ignore what is currently happening. It isn’t long before he feels his waistband fall from his hips and a cool breeze meets his legs. He takes a deep breath and harshly shuts his eyes. 

He doesn’t open them again until he feels Steve’s hands on his hips. Some time while his eyes were closed Steve had stripped down as well. He pulls Billy towards the empty tub. After some shifting around Billy finds himself sitting in between Steve's legs and his head resting against Steve’s chest. Steve uses his foot to turn the shower on. It’s ice cold at first but quickly warms up. Steve has one arm wrapped around Billy’s waist, hand rested upon Billy’s own that blocks his scar. Steve’s other hand is gently brushing Billy’s hair back and out of his face. He spends the duration of the shower whispering affirmations into Billy’s ear. 

“It’s completely fine Billy.”

“I’m not upset.”

“It was just an accident.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Steve really wants to say “I love you” but he knows neither of them are ready for that yet.

Billy doesn’t remember when he started sobbing again.

It’s almost five in the morning when they get out of the shower. Billy’s sobs have subsided and his tears are masked by the water dripping from his hair to his face. Steve tosses him a clean pair of underwear along with a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. Steve leaves the bathroom, taking both of their dirty clothes with him. Billy waits until Steve has shut the bathroom door before he feels like he can move. He takes his time getting dressed. He doesn’t think he can look him in the eyes again. He is completely and utterly humiliated, as he should be. 

Finally Billy pulls the hoodie on and splashes some cold water from the sink onto his face before exiting the bathroom. The bedroom is empty and the bed is bare. All evidence of what took place was stashed somewhere else and Billy feels like he can breathe just a little for the first time since he woke up. But that’s quickly cut off by the sight of Steve entering through the bedroom door. He’s dressed now, currently drying his hair off with a towel. Billy is expecting him to bring it up again. He expects him to say something about the missing sheets or the fact that they’re both awake at 5 in the morning. But he doesn’t.

“You wanna go get an early breakfast at Benny’s before I have to go in to work?”

And they do. The drive over is as awkward and silent as the meal itself. They only ever speak to order their food. Billy nurses his coffee and avoids eye contact with Steve and they don’t bring it up. Billy hopes that they can just forget it ever even happened. 

It happened for the second time four days later. 

This time Steve realizes it before Billy. That’s because a.) Steve can’t sleep and b.) their sleeping position. Unlike last time, Steve and Billy are wrapped up in each other. Steve is spooning Billy. His arms wrapped completely around him, and his right thigh is wedged in between Billy’s. It’s around two in the morning when he starts to hear Billy whimper in his sleep. He can feel Billy’s heart as it begins to race and his breathing becomes uneven. He considers waking him up from the nightmare but is quickly pulled from that thought as he starts to feel a heat run down his thigh. It takes him too long to actually pinpoint exactly what was happening because Billy is finished before he can think about pulling away. 

Steve feels awful about this because he can’t even imagine how all of this makes Billy feel. He knows how embarrassing this must be and how emasculating it is and he doesn’t want him to feel that. Especially after everything he’s gone through. So instead of pulling away he pulls Billy closer. He pulls him into the tightest embrace he can manage without hurting him because Billy needs to understand that Steve is not going to run away from him for something he has no control over. 

Steve waits several minutes before attempting to wake Billy. He spends those minutes contemplating exactly what he’s going to say to ensure Billy knows it’s okay.

“Hey Bills,” he starts as he squeezes Billy just a little tighter. 

“Hmm?” Billy responds, still half asleep and blissfully unaware.

Steve nuzzles his head into Billy’s neck and plants a few soft kisses giving Billy a chance to come to. “You had another accident, but it’s okay.” Steve instantly feels Billy tense up but Steve just pulls him in tighter and tighter until Billy can calm himself down. 

“I’m sorry.” He finally chokes out because of course Billy’s started to cry and it absolutely breaks Steve.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.” Steve moves a hand up to stroke Billy's hair. “Let’s go take a shower alright?” Billy just nods his head and pulls himself from Steve's embrace and out of the bed. He refuses to spare a glance at the bed behind him. He simply makes his way to the bathroom on his own, expecting Steve to follow. 

He won’t look at Steve, because he knows that if he has to look at the pitiful look on his face he won’t be able to hold back the sobs that threaten to escape at any moment. He goes straight for the shower and turns the water on, letting it heat up before diverting to the shower head. He quickly strips off his pajama bottoms and underwear and gets in before Steve even enters. But it doesn’t take long for familiar hands to wrap around his waist. Steve rests his head on Billys shoulder and holds on tightly. While Billy has gained back a lot of his strength over the past month, he still struggles to stand for long periods of time. So the embrace is more than just an act of comfort, it is an act of physical support, and it makes Billy feel safe and protected, even now. Somehow after the first time the two were successfully able to ignore it. They could easily write it off as a one time thing that wouldn’t happen again. But now it did. Now it was a thing. Just like how the panic attacks became a thing, and how the passing out became a thing. Billy couldn’t handle another thing. Especially not if it’s this. But Steve was so good with all of the things that Billy had, and Steve had his things too, but this was entirely out of left field and Billy cannot seem to wrap his head around how good Steve is handling this too. 

“Why aren’t you angry?” Billy found himself asking. He didn’t mean to say it, but it just slipped out because for god’s sake why isn’t he furious? 

“What’s there to be angry about?” 

Was he being intentionally dense or did he really not know? For some reason that response made Billy angry enough to burn some confidence into him. “Steve I fucking peed on you! I am disgusting! How are you not livid!?”

What Billy did not expect in response was a laugh. A laugh? 

“William Hargrove, I have had your dick in my mouth. I have swallowed your jizz. You think a little pee is gonna scare me away? Not a chance.” Even with the vulgarity of it all, it was one of the sweetest things he could have said in that moment. But still Billy had to continue with his tour of self-deprecation.

“It’s- Steve. I’m weak. I’m pathetic. Can’t you see that? Look at me!”

Okay, now Steve’s angry. He forcibly turns Billy around so that he’s facing him and pulls him in for a bruising kiss. It’s quick and aggressive and it leaves Billy dazed. His head is still cupped in Steve’s hands, and he is forced to look Steve in the eye. Their foreheads are near touching. “You are not weak or pathetic. You are the strongest and bravest person I have ever met. This,” he points to his scar, “changes none of that.” He plants another kiss to Billy’s lips before he continues. “And neither does the bed-wetting okay?”

Billy winces at the description. Like yeah, that’s what it is but it sounds childish and the last thing that Billy wants is to be treated like a child. 

Steve sighs to shift his tone to one that is softer. “I know that you’re embarrassed but please try not to be. You have been through too much to be beating yourself up over something as small as this. We’ll work on it okay? Make sure you go before bed and avoid liquids. Because I don’t want to stop waking up next to you, and if it means I have to wake up in a puddle so fucking be it.”

And Billy is at a complete loss for words because he is falling in love with this guy. The guy who still wants to be around him despite all of the baggage that comes along with him. How is it that Billy gets to be this lucky? How is he allowed to be this lucky? Suddenly Billy realizes he’s started crying again for a completely other reason. All he can do is wrap his arms around Steve’s bare body and bury his face into his chest. Because he can’t say it out loud. But he loves him. And maybe if Steve’s able to deal with all his shit, maybe he loves him too.