#him being a movie guy must be 1) NOT FORGOTTEN 2) utilized more

[epiphainie]

the no fear one fear meme i'm lazy to put together right now and the blank space in between is "9-1-1 forgetting tommy is a romcom lover"

[ehstarwar]

by chance or natures changing course (1/1)

Dating had never been an area where Rey excelled.

And it had been made unfathomably harder when she met a certain Mr. Darcy-esque man. Her beautiful, sweet, unattainable roommate, Ben.

-

Based on @reylo_prompts: Rey joins tinder after a long long dry spell due to her flatmate Kylo’s derision, they argue about why and in a fit of jealousy Kylo screams out ‘use me instead”.

-

Rating: Explicit 

Word Count: 5.4K

Read on AO3

A/N: thank you to @reylo_prompts for this amazing spark of inspiration!! we stan two (2) idiot space babes who just wanna get freaky ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

-

The echo of her footsteps in the hallway is loud even to her. She’s not stomping, she’s sulking. Shitty Date #7 is only one in a never ending list of spectacularly awful experiences Rey has been forced to endure as of late. 

#7 was late, a picky eater, of the ‘forgotten his wallet’ variety, had breath that smelled suspiciously of rotten eggs, and had STILL attempted to get her to come home with him. Rey would have loved to utilize the feminine rage that had accumulated through a life of womanhood, but her kind demeanor still prevailed. A meek ‘oh, I can’t! I’ve got an early start tomorrow!’ was given and semi-accepted before shuffling off to the bus station before he could give the whole ‘we should do this again’ spiel. 

It was disappointing, to say the least.

Not as disappointing as #2 who had been an excellent candidate up until she found out he was the head of the Young Republicans of Chandrilla or #5 who didn’t show up until the movie was halfway over and at the rest of her popcorn. 

Dating had never been an area where Rey excelled. 

And it had been made unfathomably harder when she met a certain Mr. Darcy-esque man, who liked to cook, to clean, to debate her favorite TV shows until they’re both blue in the face, went to the gym and didn’t post about it, actually tipped when ever they went out to eat, used better shampoo than any female in her life. Her beautiful, sweet, unattainable roommate, Ben.

Ben, who didn’t even flinch when she closed the front door too hard or tugged her scarf off with too much force. He just continued standing over the pot on the stove, rhythmically stirring whatever was creating a delicious aroma though the house.

“You’re back early,” He states, still not turned. Rey humphs indignantly and sits at the bar, watching him work.

“A dud,” She says, “an utter dud.” Rey can see the muscles in his back shift and she just knows he’s smirking.

“Someone probably should have warned you about that.”

Rey sighs and rolls her eyes. “Just because Kaydel suggested I go out with him does not warrant suspicion. She has impeccable taste with her boyfriends!”

Ben adds a bit of a spice she cannot pronounce before taking the pot off the stove to cool. When Ben turns around he’s wearing the smirk Rey knew he would be, and a dish cloth tossed over his shoulder like he’s the young, innovative chef at a restaurant that will gain tons of clout on instagram. 

“Kaydel’s boyfriends are always top notch because she keeps the good ones for herself. If she sets you up with a guy that has even the possibility of being worthy, it will have been a missed opportunity for her. So,” He gestures, “you get the scraps she doesn’t want.”

“Kaydel is not that cold hearted.”

“She’s an opportunist; it’s different.”

Rey sighs. Ben wordlessly grabs too bowls from the cabinet and pours each of them a generous helping of what looks to be tomato soup. Rey doesn’t have to have a bite to know it’s delicious.

-

They eat in relative silence before making their way to the couch. Rey only kicks off her ‘fancy shoes’, still clad in her date attire, but Ben is wearing his daily uniform but still looks like he could’ve walked right out of a Ralph Lauren spread. It would be more infuriating if he weren’t so good to look at.

They watch some inane comedy that neither of them particularly enjoy the content of, but rather the vicious comments they can make on individuals lives that will in no way affect the world around them. 

“That hair looks like it’s come straight from the 80’s.”

“He must have really stretched his resume when he added ‘singer’ on there.”

“I make more in a day than what they clearly spent on their entire CGI budget.”

It’s a good way to unwind and get out all the venom without actually damaging anything. On occasion, there is a seemingly bad movies that actually end up giving the small bit of joy and thoughtfulness that makes them actually enjoy it for the content, but those are less fun. 

But this particular movie does give Rey a devious idea. 

“I should do that,” She say, after a few minutes of silence. Ben continues to watch, but does look confused.

“Do what?” He questions.

“Get Tinder. Try to find a good lay the up-to-date way.” 

Ben immediately shifts to glare at her. 

“Do be unreasonable.” 

Rey faces him, confused.

“Unreasonable?” She repeats. 

“You don’t need Tinder.” Ben turns back to the TV and adjusts his sitting position. 

“I’m not sure if you’ve been made aware, but I’ve just been on the worst dating trend I’ve ever been on since I’ve started dating! In all honesty, it’s a little unreasonable I’m not already on there!”

Ben scoffs. “Tinder is finding someone to fuck, not to date. There are too many weirdos who just assume its for hook-ups.”

“There are plenty of weirdos out there already! I’ve even been on dates with them! I can handle a few creeps on an app.”

“At least the guys you’ve gone out with have been known and recommend by friends, so they’re not total strangers. You meet a guy off a dating app and there’s no way to make sure he’s who he says he is.”

“I’m not gonna end up on Catfished, Ben. There are plenty of normal men looking for a quick romp before being on their way, and this may be the path I use to find them.”

Ben dramatically rolls his eyes before standing up and stalking into the kitchen. Rey quickly follows him, determined to get to the bottom of his reluctance of her plan for some unknown reason.

“Why don’t you think getting Tinder is a good plan, give me an honest answer,” She asks him once they’re in the kitchen together. Ben has started clearing their plates and cleaning them in the sink with more force than necessary. 

“I’ve just given you my reason, I don’t think I need to repeat myself,” He scoffs, making Rey see red.

“It’s not a good reason, but whatever. If you think friend recommendations are so much better than Tinder, then tell me who you choose.” Rey all but stomps her foot as she glares at Ben who has his eyes trained on the soapy water in the sink.

“I don’t have any good recommendations,” He says through gritted teeth.

“That’s ridiculous, Benjamin. You work for First Order! It’s practically bursting with young, ambitious men who I just know would be down for a one night stand!”

“The people who work at First Order are monsters,” Ben says. A hard scrub on one of the bowls makes a splash of water drench his shirt and get soap in his hair that had fallen in his eyes.

“What about Armie? What about you? Do you really think you’re a monster?” She practically shouts at him. 

Ben’s head snaps up. “Yes I am.” He says it with such conviction that part of Rey’s heart aches.

It’s clear that this conversation has devolved into something much deeper and Rey isn’t sure either of them are in the right head space to continue down the path before them. Instead, Rey opts to roll her eyes and lift her arms in defeat. 

“You’re not a monster, Ben but you are a bit of a dumbass. All I want is to get fucked to relieve some of the tension that has clearly infiltrated this conversation, and you can’t even offer one measly name up to help you ‘best friend’ out. I just don’t have-”

“Just use me!”

The air in the house stills. 

Rey stands in the middle of the kitchen, feeling a bit in shock, staring back at Ben who seems equally surprised. He doesn’t speak any more, not to take back or clarify or say ‘ha! made ya look!’

They stand there, in silence, letting the words hang in the balance. 

“…What?” Rey finally asks, voice light and low and for a moment she’s not sure he even heard her.

“Use me. If you want,” He says, still not moving.

Rey has to avert her eyes, because looking at Ben right now is too much. Ben, who cooks her food when she comes home from a bad date. Ben, who covers her part of the rent when money is too tight and never asks her to pay him back. Ben, who is so beautiful it hurts to look at but still somehow believes he’s a monster. Ben, who just offered himself up to Rey on a silver platter after she spent the better part of the last 10 minutes yelling at him.

“For sex?” She asks redundantly.

“For sex.” he responds. 

Rey picks at her finger nails, eyes still downcast. 

“Rey,” The way he says her name feels different now and makes her look up, “do you want that?” Ben is good at hiding his emotions, aways shrouded behind a mask of indifference or anger. Right now, his face seems impassive as he waits for her to respond, but Rey can tell there’s fear there. It’s subtle, and Rey may be the only person in the galaxy to recognize its presence, but it’s there.

She nods. A small breath of relief escapes his lips. 

Ben resumes washing the dishes, confusing Rey. She stands there, looking at him putter around the kitchen until it’s clean enough for his standsrds, then walks right past her and down the hall. Like a new puppy, she follows him, trailing him and stopping at his door that he’s walked into. 

It’s open and Ben sitting on the edge of the bed removing his shoes. Rey stands awkwardly in the doorway, not trusting her voice enough to ask him what was going on. 

She looks at his bed, large and imposing (much like it’s owner), and a new sensation trickles down her spine. He’s going to fuck me on this bed she thinks. It’s only then she notices how the anticipation just from the last few minutes has made her… damp. 

“Rey, are you going to come in?” He asks her, standing again. 

“Do you want me to?”

He smirks.

“Get on the bed.” It’s a command, not a question. She does as he says, pulling herself on her knees in the middle of the bed, still fully dressed. She stares back at Ben as he watches her climb. When she stills, he speaks again.

“What are you comfortable with?” He asks. Rey bites her lip as she tries to think of anything Ben could do to her now that she wouldn’t welcome with open arms. She comes up blank.

“Anything.”

He cocks his head as he appraises her, making Rey feel like her skin is on fire and the wetness in her underwear become significantly greater.

“Anything?” He repeats. She nods. “Then why don’t you tell me what need me to do to you.”

“I need you to fuck me,” She says without hesitation, gaining a small chuckle from him.

“That much I know. What else?” He pulls his shirt off in one swift motion, leaving his chest bare and still slight damp from where the water splashed on him. Her mouth goes dry. “Use your words, Rey,” He chides as he goes to unbuckle his belt.

“Your fingers…” She begins as she watches the digits maneuver with elegance out of the metal belt buckle.

“What about them?” He asks as his pants fall and he steps out of him. Only his underwear is left now, and Rey can see the more than impressive bulge held behind the black material.

She thinks of the dildo she invested a whole months worth of income in that she theorized was the exact size of him. She was wrong. 

“I want you… to get me off. With your fingers. And your…” Her cheeks flame as she is unable to finish the sentence. 

“Say it, Rey.”

“I want you to get me off with… your cock.” 

Ben looks all too smug for being the least dressed in the room. She can see the thrill of satisfaction he got from hearing her words and it in turn thrills her as well. His eyes rake over her again and she’s suddenly self conscious. 

“Take off your dress,” He says. She follows instantly, tossing it to the side of the room, leaving her only in a bra, panties, and stockings. They’re black and sparkly and Rey hopes it makes her look more enticing to him. 

Ben’s hand grabs her by the ankle when she’s done, and gently pulls her closer to the edge of the bed, where he still stands. 

“So… my fingers, my cock… what about my mouth?” He asks, using his pointer finger to trace up her leg, over her hips and stomach, around her pert nipple that sticks out through the fabric, and up to her chin.

“That too.”

“Where?” He whispers, lowering his face right in front of hers.

“Anywhere,” She breaths. 

His lips connect with hers in the next breath. Soft, chaste kisses, planted neatly on her lips as her arms come up to his shoulders. She pulls him closer as he deepens the kiss, tongue slipping into her mouth with no resistance. Ben kisses her like he’s dependent on it to breathe, like his whole existence was conjured so that he could be in this exact position. There is teeth clashing and nose bumping but it only make the kiss that much hotter. 

He guides her further onto the bed, pulling her up with him as he spreads out above her. Her legs have parted naturally, letting him slot between her. She feels the warm boxer fabric rub against the tension of her stocking and wishes that he’d told her to get naked. She whines into his mouth, but he swallows it up.

His hands go to the elastic of her stocking and attempt to pull them off her legs. They’re hard to get off when you’re full attention in on them, but now it seems impossible. They catch on the swells of her hips before Ben tears them off her.

Oh well, she think, they would’ve gotten a run in them anyways. 

His hands run up and down her legs, palms nearly encompassing a whole thigh in one. His lips move to the column of her throat, planting wet, hot kisses down to her chest. Rey lies boneless beneath him, letting Ben do what he wills. His thumb traces the crotch of her panties suddenly, making her jump. Ben shushes her as his body comes over hers like a weighted blanket.

His fingers tease her soaked undergarments, making Rey whine for more. She arches into him when his hand falls away, and she chases his touch.

“Ben…” She cries, sounding pathetic even to her own ears. 

“Hmm?” He makes a noise into her chest as his tongue traces the outline of her nipple through the scrappy material of her bra. 

“Want… more… said you’d… fuck me…” She mewls. All at once, Ben pulls back from her, but keeps his hands on her torso, holding her down.

“And you greedy little thing said you wanted my fingers and my cock.”

Rey full on pouts, using everything in her arsenal for this one.

“Then why haven’t you given me one of them?” The smugness from Ben’s face drops as his lips crash on hers. Rey feels his hand go to cup her core before ripping off her underwear just like her stockings.

Well… they were impractical anyways.

Fingers trace her folds, always managing to avoid brushing over her clit with a precision that is making Rey crazed. She’s about to chide him, taunt Ben for not giving her what she’d been promised when he sticks one into her the same time his thumb pushes on her clit. Rey has to bite the inside of her cheek from screaming too loud. 

“So wet for me… dripping all over yourself like a little whore…” He says. Rey could cry. How does this man know the right buttons to push? How can he say exactly the right thing that makes Rey loose it? She can’t think of how he knows she likes this because he’s pushing in a second finger just behind the first.

Ben moans against her lips. “If two is a stretch… my cock might ruin you.”

“Please,” She begs, “… want you to ruin me.”

Ben grunts as he works faster, rocking her on his fingers just like it would be if he was fucking her. Just like it would be when he’s fucking her. He’s promised, hasn’t he?

Rey feels all the tell-tale signs of an approaching orgasm, in significantly less time than it takes for her to get herself there. It would be a little humiliating if it didn’t feel so. fucking. good. 

“You’re gonna be a good little whore for me… right? You’re gonna… you’re gonna come all over daddy’s hand? Hmmm?” He questions into her skin. Rey’s nails dig into the meet of his shoulder, brought to the brink of nirvana when she hears the name.

“Yes… Yes daddy… gonna be so good… good for you..” Her voice is breathless and light and her body feels like a live wire. His thumb works incessantly on her, and when the third finger breeches her opening, Rey is lost.

Her hands grip any part of Ben they can find purchase on, her chest bowing into his, head thrown back and eyes closed in ecstasy. Her body trembles beneath his, but his fingers still push into her in a rhythmic pattern. He works her through it, muttering praises and endearments like ‘so good for daddy’ or ‘take what you need sweetheart.’

Rey thinks this must be what it feels like the first time you experience a hard drug. An addiction blooms in her body with the first taste, and she hasn’t really even touched Ben yet. 

Ben lays her on the bed, adjusting her so that she’s on a pillow and her hair is fanned out. Rey feels her cunt pulse, and knows that despite her organs, her body is no where near done. Ben looks like he feels the same.

His hands massage her body, running from the tips of her toes to her hair line. When his paws come up to the only piece of fabric still adorning her body, Rey places her hands on his.

“No these, please… bra’s are hard to find…” Rey tells Ben. While he seems displeased that he’s not able to display another manly bravado of ripping more clothes off her, he does resign himself to reaching under her, unhooking the fabric, and guiding her out of the bra. When he tosses it off the bed, Rey snatching his hand and brings it to her mouth, placing sloppy kisses on it in lieu of thanks.

The scratchy material of his boxers rubs agains the side of her thighs, where he’s resting between, remind them both that there’s one more thing to shed. Ben looks at her, waiting for something, but Rey keeps laving his hands with her wet kisses.

Something grows dark in his eyes when he speaks again.

“If we do this…” he starts, “it can’t be undone.” It’s a loaded statement that is able to say so much with so little. A talent of Ben’s that Rey will forever be in awe of.

“I know,” She whispers against his skin. 

Whatever he was waiting for, that must have been it. Ben quickly stands, rids himself of his boxers and climbs right back between her legs, like he never left at all. 

If his cock was impressive though his underwear, it was a damn knock out without them. Rey really doesn’t mean to stare, but my god, Ben is packing. 

“A stretch?” She questions, eyes lifting to his. Ben nods. Rey gulps.

Her hand tentatively reaches out, fingers tracing the light dusting of a happy trail that leads to him. He’s hard, achingly so. Tip red and angry and Rey wants so badly to suck him, but she knows that’s not what tonight is. Her fingers gently tap on his head, feeling the small drops of precome gathered there, watching the tacky fluid stick between her fingertips. 

Ben’s hand goes to wrap around his base, holding himself as his cock twitches beneath her touch. 

“You can play with it, or I can fuck you,” Ben challenges her.

“Not both?” Rey teases.

“Not right now.”

She leans back, looking up at Ben and admiring him like he had been able to do so much. She considers herself, debating whether pulling him to orgasm with her hand the same way he did to her would be as satisfying as him doing the thing that brought them here in the first place. She decides that not right now will mean that later tonight she can have her fun, so she opts for the second option.

“You did say you’d fuck me.”

“I did.”

“I think you should do that… for now.”

Ben grins. His hands dart out to her hips and pull her around so that she’s on her stomach, ass pushed in the air. The sudden movement causes the air to be knocked out of her lungs, but it would’ve escaped anyways when his palm strikes her ass. 

“That’s for making me wait,” He tells her. Rey can’t help to moan when she feels his palm go to soothe the reddened skin. She pushes her ass towards him, hoping that he’ll take the hint.

“You’re gonna be a good girl for daddy? You’re gonna let me fuck you full of my come?” He says. Rey bites a pillow as she just barely refrains spinning around, shoving him back and dropping down on his cock. 

“Words, sweetheart,” Ben reminds her.

“Yes!” She squeaks out. “I’ll be a good girl for you, daddy… please just- just-”

“Tell me,” He says as she feel’s his cock trace her outer folds. Her hips angle back trying to make him enter her.

“… Please fuck me, daddy.”

Ben pushes into her as soon as the words leave her mouth. He’s slow, letting her adjust to him when he finally bottoms out. Rey bites into the pillow even harder. She can hear Ben’s pants above her and can feel the tension in his hands that now hold her hips.

“… Tell me when you’re good, baby.” Ben sounds as breathless as she’s sure she would if she had the capability of speech at the moment. Ben is deathly still within her, but Rey adjust and wiggles herself, earning choked moans and growls from him. 

“Good, daddy… so good,” She finally says, earning a sigh of relief from Ben as he instantly begins to move. His hips rock into hers, shallow at first, before setting a steady pace. She mewls beneath him, trying to move her hips to meet his in time. 

Ben falls forward, chest falling onto her back, and his mouth going to her shoulder. Rey snakes a hand up towards his head, fingers curing themselves though his hair. His mouth kisses and bites at her shoulder as his hip begin to move harder, making a slapping sound with every thrust. 

“You’re gonna… come for me, okay? You gotta come on me, baby. I gotta know what it feels like,” He mumbles on her skin. Rey nods as her other hand goes to hold over his on her hip, and guide it to her center, just above where his cock is sliding into her. Ben instantly gets the message, finger dexterously going to circle at her clit.

Rey feels her knees shake with effort as his cock moves so deeply within her. He’s the biggest she’s ever had, ever will have, and he reaches parts inside of her Rey wasn’t sure existed. His whole body rest above her, not crushing her, but holding her. Making her feel safe within his embrace so that he could do whatever he wanted to. The feeling of being under Ben as pounds into her is delicious and exhilarating and terrifying all at once.

Her head is such a mixture of emotions and ecstasy that Rey almost doesn’t recognize the orgasm as it approaches her. She gasps when she realizes that the tingling sensation starting to spark at her fingertips mean that she’s nearing the peak again. 

“Daddy… Ben… I’m… I’m gonna…”

“I know, Rey. I need to feel it, please. Come on me, baby, please…” Ben begs. 

Her whole body clenches when she comes, forcing Ben to make a choking sound at the sensation of her cunt squeezing the life out of his cock. He comes almost in time with her, spilling hotly within her. He grunts and holds her as tightly as possible as he pumps the last of himself within her.

Rey can feel the sweat of their bodies coating her back, but she feels his face rest on her upper back and plant kisses along her spine. It seemed almost too intimate of a moment for her brain to process, and she’s almost grateful that she wasn’t eating Ben come. Seeing that while feeling it would throw Rey off a cliff she didn’t even know she’d climbed.

They hold their positions for a moment, letting Ben give the rest of his come to her waiting cunt. Rey feels his hands move again, maneuvering them to lay on their sides, Ben still firmly planted within Rey.

His hands stroke her sides as their breathing returns to normal. 

Rey can’t remember a time when she ever felt this safe after sex. Like there was no where else in the world Ben wanted to be other than right here. It was intoxicating.

After a while, she’s worried he’s fallen asleep (or that she would if she remained sedentary any longer), so she calls out for him softly.

“Ben?”

“Hm?” The vibrations from his voice reverberate down her spine.

“Are you awake?” She asks.

“… Yeah.” She can hear the small smile in his voice.

“Good… I didn’t want to wake you when I…” She trails off, trying to think of a not-gross way to phrase this.

“When you got off my dick and let my come spill out of you?” He provides. Despite what they’ve just done, Rey blushes.

“Yeah.”

Ben adjust them so that she’s back on her front, and he’s sitting on his haunches. He slowly pulls out his softening cock, and Rey clenches hard so that the mad rush of fluids don’t coat his bedspread. There’s also a small voice inside her head thats saying ‘he want’s you to keep it’ but Rey totally ignores it. 

“Stay,” Ben commands, getting up from the bed. She ears the flick of a light switch, the running of water, before he comes back getting back onto the bed, and stroking her puffy core with a warm cloth.

Rey relaxes as he cleans her, stroking her cunt with such care and kindness, you almost wouldn’t believe he was the one pounding into it with abandon not so long ago.

She feels him get off the bed again to dispose of the cloth before sliding next to her and practically holding her body up to turn her. He settles them down, him lying on his back with Rey draped over one side of him, legs spread between one of his. Her head lies in the crook of his neck, hand holding onto his chest and his plays with the ends of her hair on her back. 

They lay like this is what they do every night. With such normalcy and established routine that makes Rey’s chest feel fuzzy. There is a gnawing question on her mind, so she’s asks him before he actually does fall asleep.

“How did you know what I was into? I mean… some of it’s pretty common but others are… not,” She says, fingers tracing the muscles in his chest.

“You read fan fiction in public settings, including on our couch, beside me. I didn’t have to pry too hard,” Ben tells her. His voice vibrates though his whole body, making her buzz in a delicious way.

“… I didn’t know you could see that…” She mumbles. Ben laughs lightly.

“It has been very… informative.” Rey scoffs, making him laugh further. When the settle down and the silence returns, Rey can tell there’s something on the tip of his tongue. 

“Ben?” She asks.

“Yeah?”

“You can ask me anything, you know.”

More silence.

“… Is this… something you wanted? You can be honest,” He tells her.

“I think I’m actually the one who asked you, if I recall correctly.”

“No, I mean… with me. I know I wasn’t exactly what you were hoping for tonight and I-”

Rey shoots up to look at Ben. It’s the first time he’s been below her all night, and Rey is able to stare down at his breathtakingly beautiful face, glowing in the moonlight. He’s beautiful to her, always is and aways will be, but there’s a vulnerability in his face right now that makes Rey realize that she’s in control right now. That this is one of those life-altering moments that will inevitably change the world in ways she can’t fathom depending on what she does.

“I may have hoped for something else in the beginning,” Rey starts, “but, Ben, you’re exactly what I wanted.”

The smile that breaks across his face melts Rey and she knows she’s made the right choice. 

-

Brunch is never a dull affair with their friend group. They keep it interesting with gossip or life-changing announcements or the occasional group activity. This particular brunch Ben and Rey are attending is par for the course, going smoothly at the groups favorite eatery in Chandrila. Rose, Hux, and Kaydel are currently arguing over which breakfast carb is superior, pancakes or waffles. Phasma is checking emails while flawlessly being able to keep up with every conversation at the table. Poe, Finn, and Jannah are discussing if the couple two tables over is breaking up or just fighting. 

It’s the normal routine for everyone. 

Except, of course, Ben and Rey. 

They’re sitting next to each other, which my itself isn’t totally unusual, but instead of Rey wishing she was the fork Ben grasps so tightly or the glass that gets to feel the plushness of his lips, she’s content where she it. Ben has his hand holding onto her upper thigh, just teasing at the hemline with his finger tips. His shoe knocks into hers, calves brushing together. 

They’re sitting so close, she can feel the heat radiating off his body. She’ll blame that for the blush staining her cheeks. 

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Kaydel suddenly squeals, making Rey stop mid bite of her waffle/pancake/french toast combination that Ben said was ‘ungodly.’ “Rey, I totally forgot, but how was your date the other night with… um, what’s his name…” She tries to think of #7’s name. It takes Rey an embarrassing amount of time to remember it herself. 

“Ugh, you mean Snap? It went… alright, I guess,” She tells the table, now all eyes on her. Ben squeezes her thigh harshly for a moment. 

“Oh, you poor thing!” Kaydel says. “He seemed like such a nice guy. Why didn’t it work out?” She questioned further. Rey didn’t have to look at Ben to know he was smirking.

“Um, I was… he just… not my type, ya know?” Rey deflects. 

“Then what is your type? I’m sure Kaydel would like to know so she can curate her recommendations better,” Ben says. Rey slaps his stomach.

“Actually, I don’t need anymore… suggestion.” The energy at the table shifts, and Rey gets a devious idea.

“Oh my god, peanut, did you find someone?” Finn asks, garnering the attention of everyone, even Phasma who tries to stay out of this type of conversation as much as possible.

“Yeah, I did.” 

Squeels of joy erupt from around the table as a barrage of questions suddenly spill from everyones lips. 

“Does he live here?”

“Is he rich?”

“Do we know him?”

“What’s he do for a living?” “Tell us about him!”

Rey smiles. “Well, I really like him but there is one problem.”

“What?” Ben barks up, suddenly. She turns to look at him, giving him the sweetest expression she can muster, the one that makes him melt like butter.

“He’s got a really small dick.”

Ben chokes on his grits. 

—

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[uterusclub]

I can’t say for sure how we initially stumbled upon the brilliant idea of having a ‘clown party’ but approximately three years ago, it’s magnificence was born.

If I had to guess, I’d hypothesize the concept spawned from a casual night of sitting around discussing terrible horror movies featuring clowns which (naturally) snowballed into designating an all-clown movie marathon of sorts. But that wasn’t enough. We needed elaboration. But how? With what? Food? Yes, of course, food! And so, it was decided, traditionally speaking, that ‘clown food’ would be incorporated into our parties. Last year we got a little overly-ambitious and made the entire day a marathoning of clown foods included pancakes, burgers, pizza and cake which we discovered to be too much a. time b. effort and c. food. So now we stick to the basics: pizza and cake. Generic party food? Yes. But not in the way we fashion them…

Clown Cake | Year 1

Clown Cake | Year 2

The pizza. The first year we arranged our clown party, I used my expert, investigative skills and discovered a pizza place called Little Clown Pizza. I was in awe. It couldn’t have been more perfect. Or could it? Because in our minds this still just wasn’t enough. What if . . . what if we requested they make a clown pizza? Yes! Each and every year, we fatefully ordered a ‘clown pizza’ from a nearby restaurant and awaited the potential horror or delight of their interpretation. First year? Our pizza was practically inedible. I recall there being mustard and ketchup involved (dear god, why?). Last year? Last year was a slight step up – although they did incorporate black olives which is a huge no-no for us. But it was definitely progress.

Clown Pizza | Year 1

Clown Pizza | Year 2

And as for this year…

Friday the thirteenth. We had been looking forward to this day for weeks now and our game-plan was set. First, start the cake – then, walk to Rex Tavern down the street to take a photo (explanation on this soon), after that – order pizza while cake cools, then – start movies and finish decorating cake during intermission. Solid plan.

Having already, anxiously accumulated our baking gear earlier in the week, Sharon began making our clown cake utilizing some freshly bought skull pans she’d purchased. Our shit was going 3d this year! I had my doubts, though. I honestly felt this was just way too ambitious for a bunch of amateurs. I mean, fondant? Yikes! This was a whole other playing field of baking. But Sharon was convinced we had this in the bag. Or rather, she did. I was mainly planning on watching (and drinking).

As the cake pan came out of the oven to cool, we headed out down the street to a nearby bar called Rex Tavern in Jefferson Park. Now this is generally not a part of our clown party tradition, however, we had both seen (on several occasions), the bar’s elaborate Halloween decorations which entailed a huge, creepified clown hanging in their front window. This was a must for our party! Walking over, our Moscow mules were in full effect. Perhaps I had made our drinks a tad bit strong earlier. In any case, there was no way we were sitting down for a drink – especially when we could as easily walk back home and have more, free drinks! So instead of actually going inside Rex’s and being good patrons, we skulked outside for a couple, quick pictures before heading back to the apartment at which point, we happened upon an additional window display featuring a clown. What are the odds? And with a snap, snap – bonus photo!

Rex Tavern | Chicago, IL

Jefferson Park | Chicago, IL

Back at the apartment, we began that most pleasant of activities: the ordering of the clown pizza. It was, conveniently, at this point when Sharon’s PTSD from last year kicked in.

“It’s your turn to call” she insisted.

I obliged immediately – for I have no shame. And for added dramatics and pleasure, we video recorded the entire phone exchange – although thanks to Sharon’s mom calling mid process, the recording cut out after being placed on hold. But to summarize, we called the Bacci’s Pizza joint down the street from us and explained our ‘situation’ before placing the order which, as anticipated, was met with delightful silence. Shortly thereafter, I was asked to be placed on hold to run our request passed the restaurant manager. Ten minutes later, our request was underway! Apparently the ten minute delay was the result of waiting on several cooks attempting to pull up clown images on their phones for artistic reference. We laughed, requested no olives, and were charged the price of a pepperoni pizza.

Now back to that cake.

Having finally cooled, Sharon commandeered the cakes from the skull pans with minor difficulty and coated them with a crumb layer of frosting for further refrigeration before covering with fondant. So, what now? It was movie time! On our agenda this year was Killer Clowns from Outer Space and a more recent flick simply titled, Clown. We began with KCFOS for no particular reason but I’m sort of glad we did. If you’ve never seen it, first off, how? If you have, well, you probably know where this going. Killer popcorn, cotton-candy cocoons, the excessive usage of ‘buddy’ and ‘pal – I mean, this movie has it all, really – not to mention the pizza-delivery scene! What perfection!

Once pizza arrived, I suggested to Sharon we video record the reveal to which she enthusiastically agreed. For dramatics, I slow-motioned the entire thing which tech-savvy Sharon said she could just edit on her phone. She’s fancy.

In any case, this year’s pizza was, I’d say, par from last year’s. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t anything impressive either. I feel fairly confident that if the tables were turned, I could knock out some super impressive clown artwork. But, that’s all in the fun – the not knowing. Perhaps next year we’ll brief the restaurant with images from past years – give them some idea as to the type of standards we’re working with. Wouldn’t take much to up the ante at this point.

After pizza was consumed and KCFOS was over, we reverted our attention back to the clown cake. Sharon rolled out some white fondant and covered the skull head quite impressively while I covered a cake ball with red fondant for a nose and two additional balls with white fondant for eyes. And while our clown cake was only loosely based on the ‘It’ clown, Sharon had come across some vampire-teeth candy corns to use and as such, found herself doctoring up a mouth hole. We then skewered the cavities into the mouth using toothpicks – all the while knowing we had no actual intention of consuming any part of this sugar-coated death-trap. Sharon smeared on some red lip coloring while I attached a jumbo red nose and two ridiculously bulky eyeballs topped with gummy pupils into the eye sockets.

“Ah, I think the balls are too much” Sharon replied.

“Yeah, it’s a little ‘AHHHHHHHHHHH'” I laughed.

So, we removed the eyeballs and reattached the gummy pupils. Much better. And now for the eyebrows. Fortunately, I had already decided earlier that morning to wear my ‘It’ t-shit so I was Sharon’s point of reference. As she stenciled along, drippage began – followed shortly by panic. Luckily, the drippage was short-lived but unfortunately, my suggestions were not.

“Are you going to do anything under the eye?” I asked.

“You think I should?”

“I mean, I think it’ll stand out more.”

And that was the beginning and end of my terrible ideas. Sharon did her best to outline the entire eye but ended up dripping into the pupils which had to be replaced with fresh gummies. By the time all was said and done, I had much regret. But the project was still not finished! Hair! This clown needed hair! Since day one Sharon had been going on and on about buying a cotton candy machine so we could make hair for this but I outright refused. Total waste. And cotton candy is awful. Regardless, I had gifted Sharon a bag of cotton candy last Easter that she had apparently forgotten all about. Poor guy had just been sitting in our cabinets collecting dusk and dreaming of the day his destiny would fall upon him – dreaming of becoming clown hair. Several toothpicks later, we had hair-plugged the shit out of this cake and it looked . . . well, actually, pretty decent. Still – there was no way this thing was being consumed.

“What should we do with it?” I asked.

“We can throw it in the river?”

I busted into laughter.

“What? . . . . what did you just say? This isn’t a dead body, Sharon!”

“No, didn’t they do that in the movie?”

“Uh . . . let’s just sleep on this one . . . ”

I later came up with an awesome master-plan of bringing the cake to a nearby restaurant I love called The Big Top and leaving it in the parking lot after hours as it would be super ironic and mysterious (not to mention creepy)! But after I called the restaurant to check their hours, it appeared the timing would have been quite impossible since there was no way we were going out after 9pm on a Sunday!

The night wrapped up with our final movie viewing: Clown. Now there isn’t really too much to say about it. Short synopsis: guy finds old clown suit in his house and puts it on for his kid’s birthday party ; guy can’t get clown suit off and finds out it’s stuck to him and eventually turns him into a demon (hate when that happens); guy eventually gets killed by his wife. And that’s about it. It was pretty gory, to say the least. It was also unamusing since we were both super exhausted that late at night and barely paying attention anyway. When we finally did turn in for bed, Sharon bid me adieu.

“I’m probably going to dream about clowns tonight” she proclaimed.

Scuffling off to bed I wondered if the Bacci cooks were all anticipating the same.

Clowning Around I can't say for sure how we initially stumbled upon the brilliant idea of having a 'clown party' but approximately three years ago, it's magnificence was born.

[maris457vbucks-blog]

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Plenty of completed players appear down their noses at Fortnite, the best way, perhaps, that some jazz and blues diehards, in 1964, dismissed the Beatles. The dances, the alliterative put-names, the dearth of true postapocalyptic menace: these can point out an absence of seriousness that to some would seem spell-breaking. A classmate of Gizzard Lizard’s, ZenoMachine, a gamer for more time than looks plausible (he began taking part in Crew Fortress 2 in kindergarten and now develops his have game titles), is the eighth grade’s resident Fortnite Scrooge. “To begin with, I’m not a fan with the polygons,” ZenoMachine instructed me. We had been on a park bench, immediately after faculty—a exceptional hit of sunlight. “It's a Hello-res texture but minimal-res polygons.” Gizzard Lizard experienced warned me that I wouldn’t understand ZenoMachine, but I gathered that he was critiquing the game’s aesthetics. He preferred a realer search. He objected to selected inconsistencies. The pickaxe, for example, which players use to demolish partitions and buildings, triggers Pretty much no harm to other players to be a weapon. “How can that be?” he reported. “I see why a great deal of folks like Fortnite. It targets gamers who aren’t seasoned. But it surely violates the legislation of consistency.” He reported that the first time he played he received—by hiding out right up until Every person else had essentially been killed off. This is named tenting, and is also frowned upon by common gamers. “If something so simple as participant preference impacts the other players’ practical experience, you’ve bought a style flaw,” ZenoMachine stated.

ZenoMachine develops his personal video games using a System known as the Unreal Motor. Fortnite, as it takes place, is crafted within the Unreal Motor, as well. The sport would be the creation of a business referred to as Epic Video games, based outside Raleigh, North Carolina. In 1998, Epic released a first-individual shooter called Unreal, which loved only moderate results but which, Practically accidentally, had an enduring influence within the evolution of online video online games. Epic utilized Unreal’s underlying architecture, plus some of its sections, to produce what arrived to become often called the Unreal Motor, a basic platform that supports all method of game titles, be they shooters, brawlers, platformers, or sandbox R.P.G.s. It’s essentially a suite of equipment that builders can use to style and Create games and other simulations. Rather than starting from scratch in, say, C++, the popular graphic-coding language, unbiased developers as well as other firms utilize the Unreal Motor to create their particular video games. (The licensing of the engine, subsequently, offers Epic the funds flow to commit time and means to the development of hit games like Fortnite.) On a yearly basis, Epic works by using current online games, some of them all but forgotten, to soup up the Unreal Engine, to make sure that it could possibly tackle an ever much more sophisticated assortment of requires. Fortnite was the main Unreal Motor four release. Among other matters, Epic needed to adapt the engine to help you its servers accommodate the massive quantity of details that must be processed instantaneously when a hundred players are competing in a single Struggle Royale spherical. The dilemma of which actions affect Many others, and from what length, on this huge storm-sieged island—the outdated if-then dilemma—is far more challenging than it would seem.

“Imagine Fortnite as a visual method of media,” Jamin Warren, the editor of your lifestyle-and-gaming journal Kill Monitor, informed me. What ever Fortnite’s allure as being a activity to Enjoy, It is additionally evidently the most beguiling 1 to view. As movie-match spectatorship fills arenas, and siphons a technology faraway from genuine sports, Fortnite is becoming quite possibly the most considered activity on YouTube—by March, there had been Nearly 3 billion sights in the an incredible number of classes that gamers had uploaded—and the top match on Twitch, the streaming platform. Viewing isn’t only for spazzes any longer. “It’s created A sort of world arcade,” Warren stated. “Rather than a few Children hunting in excess of the shoulder of the new-shot more mature brother or regardless of what, down at the shopping mall, you may have numerous persons watching, and the individual playing the sport is a millionaire.”

The medium’s breakout star is recognized as Ninja. He is a former Experienced Halo participant named Tyler Blevins, who's got said that he helps make over half a million dollars per month by streaming his Fortnite periods, and his free-associative commentary, on Twitch (that's owned by Amazon). His YouTube channel has in excess of 10 million subscribers. Last thirty day period, he hosted a Fortnite Event in Las Vegas, in an e-sports activities arena, and Just about 7 hundred thousand people tuned in to his Twitch stream. I’ve listened to a lot of teenagers make reference to him as The united states’s most significant entertainer—which isn't as hyperbolic as it sounds. In April, Ninja rated higher than any athlete on earth in “social interactions,” a measure of social-media likes, responses, shares, and what to spend v bucks on fortnite views. Cristiano Ronaldo was No. 2. In March, Ninja consented to a Fortnite session with Drake.

Blevins, that's 20-6, emanates from outside Detroit and lives near Chicago (he won’t say where) with his wife, who handles his company affairs. He streams ten to fourteen hours per day, typically from about nine A.M. to 3 P.M. then from 6 P.M. till When. All advised, he logs about 300 hrs a month. What 1 sees is his recreation display, together with his avatar in no matter what skin he has decided on, and, in an inset, a perpetual shot of Blevins himself. A ninja headband girds a Bieber-ish shock of hair that he dyes unique colors: emerald environmentally friendly, platinum, yellow. He’s a lean, boyish guy who seems to make an work to take care of some semblance of a smile constantly. His spiel is goofy, caffeinated, and reasonably cocky. He does impressions. In March, he was mumbling some rap lyrics as he played, and someway the term “indica” arrived out as being the N-word. Amid the backlash, he apologized, kind of, and, when it came time for me to speak to him past 7 days, his manager’s 1 problem was that I not check with him about it, as he’d previously claimed what there was to mention, which was, partly, “I assure that there was no mal intent (I wasn’t even looking to say the term—I fumbled lyrics and received tongue-tied within the worst possible way).” A scrupulous journalist may have named off the job interview, but the teens I’d been speaking to about the match have been so impressed that I'd talk to Ninja that I caved. At the last minute, while, Ninja bailed, declaring ailment. Melt away! (“I’m quite absolutely sure which was BS,” one of those teens texted me. “I think he was streaming now.”) At any level, Ninja’s sensitivity is an indication that gamers like him are moving into the mainstream. They've got to observe what they say.

Onscreen, the millionaire maintains the environs with the gamer boy. The digicam normally takes in an acoustic-tile ceiling, wall-to-wall carpeting, bare drywall, and also a fourposter mattress. There’s a framed Detroit Lions poster propped towards a wall, alongside a mini-fridge stocked with Pink Bull. Ninja is really a lifelong gamer, but he can make a degree to remind his lovers, lest they get the fall-every thing bug, that he did perfectly at school, performed soccer along with other athletics, concluded college or university while holding down a position at Noodles & Firm, and even appeared, together with his loved ones, on “Household Feud.” The sport skill is legit. He wins a little something like fifty percent from the hundreds of video games he performs each individual 7 days, against all comers. He’s a crack shot and it has a nose to the substantial ground. As typically as not, It appears he’s hardly paying attention. He’s reading through followers’ messages out loud, similar to a talk-radio host, or jabbering with Yet another Fortnite star, which include Dr. Lupo or KingRichard, should they’ve teamed up for any video game or two: “The recoil on this matter is stupid”; “You stated you experienced a complete defend, ass”; “So keep my dick”; “That person was seeking to consume a chug jug. What a noob.” All accompanied by occasional bursts of gunfire. “To any person watching the stream, I hope you men are enjoying the information, person.”

Gizzard Lizard’s shoot-out in Tomato City befell on the last evening of April, which was the last evening of Time three. Anticipation was operating high. Among the ingenious innovations of Fortnite should be to introduce seasons of about two months, as on the cable-television sequence, and also to combine new plot and video game features. (Final week, within a crossover masterstroke, Thanos, the indestructible villain of The brand new Avengers Motion picture, dropped in on the game—that is definitely, gamers could undertake a Thanos skin—and so, for quite a while, the Fortnite set gleefully schooled various Thanoses in a way which the Avengers couldn't.) On April 30th, a comet that were hovering in excess of the island was purported to strike following midnight. For times, meteors had been showering the game. Teasers—the most recent currently being “brace for impression”—had impressed a raft of speculation and conspiracy theories. At first, men and women predicted the comet to hit the crowded city placing known as Tilted Towers, but some clues led Other folks to forecast, effectively, which the comet would wipe out Dusty Depot, which was thereafter to get known as Dusty Divot.

It absolutely was hard to do homework on a night like this; Gizzard Lizard returned to the sport. He played over a Computer system he’d designed at school. It didn’t Possess a graphics card. He’d never ever been a giant gamer—his parents were being relatively stringent about screens and experienced never ever consented to an Xbox or perhaps a Wii—while he’d performed Minecraft for a while. This standard of obsession was some thing new. He noticed on his obtain-your-pals bar that lots of schoolmates were participating in, so he FaceTimed a person who goes by ism64. They teamed up and hit Blessed Landing. Gizzard Lizard wore an earbud below a set of earphones, so that he could talk to ism64 while listening with the seem of approaching enemies. From a length, it appeared that he was conversing with himself: “Let’s just Develop. Be careful, you’re gonna be trapped under my ramp. I’m hitting this John Wick. Oh my God, he just pumped me. Appear revive me. Build close to me and come revive me. Hold out, can I've that chug jug? Thanks.”

I’d been struck, observing Gizzard Lizard’s game titles for a few days, by how the spirit of collaboration, amid the urgency of mission and danger, seemed to carry out some thing approaching gentleness. He and his buddies did favors for one another, watched one another’s backs, supplied encouragement. This was a thing that I hadn’t witnessed Considerably of, say, down on the rink. A person could argue the outdated arcade, Along with the at any time-current menace of bullying and harassment along with the challenge of professing dibs, uncovered A child to the globe—it’s character-making!—but there was a thing to generally be explained for this kind of refuge, although it did entail assault rifles and grenades.

Then the John Wick was on him. “Oh God! Oh God!” Foiled all over again.

A John Wick was an achieved participant who experienced attained a skin that bears a resemblance to your character performed by Keanu Reeves in the “John Wick” films. (Officially, the pores and skin is called the Reaper, presumably in order to avoid licensing charges, but gamers contact it John Wick.) It absolutely was available to anybody who experienced attained all hundred tiers of the sport in Year 3—a mix of accomplishment and expertise which would have demanded playing for involving seventy-5 and 100 and fifty hours.

As the final hrs of Season three expired, players scrambled to reach Tier a hundred, and acquire their John Wick skins. Gizzard Lizard was nowhere near. He’d commenced the year for a noob. Arrive the next early morning, Working day Among Time 4, he experienced a want to put from the hours to get to Tier a hundred. It would consider major determination. For The very first time, he purchased a thousand Fortnite V-bucks, for $9.99, with which to obtain skins. He went Along with the Carbide, a smooth one that introduced to mind a wetsuit. This was The 1st time he—or, a lot more to the point, his parents—experienced at any time invested something but quarters with a activity.