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A guide to naming your children: NHL edition

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In recent days the NHL world became aware of the existence of Malkin Crosby Long, a young Pittsburgh Penguins superfan named after two franchise greats.

It’s a cute story about the strength of fandom, but it’s also a premise that’s poorly executed upon. Malkin Crosby just doesn’t pass mustard as a name despite its good intentions. As a result, here at Puck Daddy we’ve decided to provide you the best superfan names for your children made from combining the last names of players on each team.

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If you must name your child to honor your favorite hockey team, here’s how you do it:

Anaheim Ducks – Manson Silfverberg

Silfvervberg is too cool a last name to pass up here and Manson has plausibility as a first name with a touch of absurdity to boot.

Arizona Coyotes – Rieder Perlini

Rieder looks like a bad misspelling of an already-unforgivable first name while Perlini sounds like someone failing to improvise a type of pasta. Together? Magic.

Boston Bruins – Spooner McQuaid

Spooner McQuaid seems like a tragically unsuccessful outlaw in the Old West. This name could help your child get cast for a minor role in Westworld.

Buffalo Sabres – Baptiste Fedun

This name has the kind of cultural ambiguity that will make people more interested in your kid, even if that interest is unwarranted.

Calgary Flames – Glass Stone

With this pair of nouns you can make those around you wonder if you even understand the concept of names. That has to be a bonus.

Carolina Hurricanes – Skinner Slavin

With this assassin/boxer name people will leave your kid alone on the playground.

Chicago Blackhawks – Bouma Wingels

Realistically, anything with Wingels is good.

Colorado Avalanche – Compher Kerfoot

Nothing like presenting every person who ever meets your offspring with an intermediate-level tongue twister.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Sedlak Jenner

The Jenner name is worth something nowadays, so why not slap it on your kid with a little Eastern European spice to boot.

Dallas Stars – Benn Johns

This sounds just off in every direction which makes it perfect.

Detroit Red Wings – Green Frk

This name sounds like a classification of Frk which could be animal, mineral, or vegetable.

Edmonton Oilers – Nurse Malone

Naming a child after a profession gives them a real sense of purpose, while the name Malone gives them the out to be a gangster if nursing doesn’t suit them.

Florida Panthers – Weegar Malgin

Definitely some kind of alien ambassador.

Los Angeles Kings – Quick Forbort

This one sounds like an oxymoron. A Forbort certainly doesn’t sound quick.

Minnesota Wild – Spurgeon Dumba

Dumba has to be in there and Spurgeon is close enough to sturgeon to sound disturbing as a first name.

Montreal Canadiens – Schlemko Scherbak

It’s got a ring to it. Not a good ring per se, but a ring.

Nashville Predators – Josi Salomaki

If you squint hard enough it looks like it could be a kind of sushi, which is really all you can ask for in a novelty name.

New Jersey Devils – Wood Butcher

This kid is going to wear a lot of plaid and make his living in the forest.

New York Islanders – Prince Nelson

Whether it refers to  a wrestling move or a member of a royal family, Prince Nelson is a solid option.

New York Rangers – Holden Fast

Holden Fast would be a stubborn, unyielding sort and those are arguably good qualities. Arguably.

Ottawa Senators – Dzingel Oduya

Dzingel Oduya seems like an exceedingly ill-advised character name in an unpublished sci-fi novel. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a good fit for your kid!

Philadelphia Flyers – Hagg Raffl

No one wants to participate in a contest where they have a chance to win old crones, but they might want to meet someone named after one.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Rust McKegg

While Malkin Crosby just sounds silly, Rust McKegg sounds dignified and powerful … and silly.

San Jose Sharks – Heed Burns

Why not make your kid a human PSA? Burns can’t be ignored, they need to be heeded.

St. Louis Blue – Sundqvist Bortuzzo

Sundqvist Bortuzzo almost sounds sophisticated. The key here is “almost.”

Tampa Bay Lightning – Point Johnson

As if Point Johnson isn’t going to be a great hockey player. Make it pre-ordained.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Borgman Rielly

Borgman is a fantastic first name and there’s huge bonus points for the name sounding so much like Morgan Rielly.

Vancouver Canucks – Gaunce Biega

Gaunce sounds like a hit man/globetrotting professional poker player. That’s what everyone wants for their kid. Right?

Vegas Golden Knights – Stoner Hunt

It’s never too early to decide where your child stands on the War on Drugs.

Washington Capitals – Beagle O’Brien

Crime solving dogs never get old, nor do names that sound like they belong to them.

Winnipeg Jets – Little Wheeler

Eventually your kid might be big, but that’s a problem for future you.