#hi sometimes I have wild and dumb notions until I actually look closer at my research. lmao

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I briefly entertained the idea (and researched on Amazon, Discogs, and Merchbar) of spending $50+ on Voices Carry by 'Til Tuesday on vinyl because apparently the only vinyl versions that include "Are You Serious?" are the remastered, re-released versions from 2014 (or whenever). But then I realized, OH, DERP, "Are You Serious?" was the b-side of "Voices Carry"! So I just need to buy the single if I want to hear it on vinyl (and I do - very much so). Thank god I can save money if I just buy them separately.

[atrickstersfantasy]

Title: Until You Tell Me Author: MishasHipbones / atrickstersfantasy Words: 1,596 Tags: Kidfic, Cute, Fluff Warning: Mentions of child abandonment. Rating: T? Summery: Dean tells us all about the story of how he met his best friend. From the 9 year old little boy to the 29 year old man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I was nine years old when I met my best friend. He had been sleeping in the big drain tunnels down by the old creek behind our house. Me and Sammy would always go down and throw rocks at the old rotten tire hanging from the tree by the water. It wasn't deep enough to swim but we managed to entertain ourselves pretty good.   One day, a few days after my ninth birthday me and Sam packed up our bag lunches made by Mama, with love she always said, and hauled tail down to the rocky creek bed. Both of us more determined than the other to find the biggest, smoothest skipping rock for our next trip to the lake with Daddy, ya see him and Mama didn't live together anymore because he had a new family with a women named Kate. Mama says it was just not meant to be, but she'd never exchange what she got out of it. I knew she meant me and Sam.   Anyway, Sam had gotten ahead of me somehow and tumbled to a stop right in front of that big ole' gaping tunnel. Ya know, the big metal ones that are real dark and send the ants up your spine if you stare at 'em to long? Sam yelled for me to come look and when I reached him he was froze to the spot, to afraid to move in case the shadow that was curled up inside the lip of the tunnel took a notion to attack or somethin. I pushed Sammy behind me and told him to keep his gourd shut. As I crept up on the thing it started shakin and groanin'. It was makin the most god awful noise I had ever heard in all my nine years of life but I wasn't scared, no way. I puffed out my chest, pushed my shoulders back and walked right up to that shadow, nudging it with the tip of my dirty sneaker. It shifted and raised one if its lumps into the air, letting out another one of those wocked groans. Well now, I might have been a little bit scared at this point but I won't be tellin no one else about it. The creature moved into what looked like a sitting position before I noticed that the lump it had lifted when I kicked atbit was actually a head, complete with wild, brown hair, sticking up in every direction! The thing it was covered in fell down even more, laying stiff around its shoulders, to reveal a dirty face with tge bluest eyes I had ever seen in my life. I know that sounds girly but by God I've never spoken truer words. I was so out of sorts that I couldn't speak for the longest time. I just stood there like a fosh outta water, watching what I knew now was a little boy, staring right back at me from under some kinda dirty old blanket. I don't know how long we kept there, just lookin at one another but it musta been long enough for Sam to get worried that something was happenin to me because he came rushin in that tunnel like a bat outta hell, tryin to be some kind of avenging hero. When he saw the boy I think he might have been shocked just like I was, but Sam always has been the smarter of the two of us. He jumped right into action, kneeling in front of the other kid and checking him over. He asked all the right questions too, if he was hurt, how old he was. His name. I hadn't thought of any of that but here comes Sam, barging in and taking control just like hes good at. We learned that his name was Castiel, or Cas as I started calling him, and he was 10 years old, almost 11. His Mama and Daddy had went on a trip about a month before and never came back. The landlord had came knockin for the rent and Cas had ran. That was a whole week before we had found him. Turns out he had been stayin in different tunnels and under bridges all around town so he wouldn't be caught. Now my Mama must have been raisin me right because I couldn't just let this kid no older than me sleep out here in this grimey old tunnel. Instead I moved forward and helped him up to his feet so that we could look each other in the eye and led him by the hand out onto the fresh summer air. It was only a little after noon so me and Sammy weren't due home for another few hours. I gently pushed Cas down onto a big boulder and handed him my bag lunch. The look on his face was the kind that would break a grown ups heart but as a kid I don't think I really understood it so much. To me he just looked real hungry, so I did what my Mama would have wanted me to do. I fed him. His eyes lit up like the sky in the morning and for a second with the sun shinin behind his head like it was, kinda like a halo ya know, I thought that I was lookin at an angel. I knew even then that I hadn't ever seen nothin like him. I urged him to eat the ham sandwich and carrot sticks my Mama haf packed and when he was done I pulled him hack to his feet again and with Sammy trailin behind us lead him all the way home. Well, I guess it was destiny or somethin that lead us to that tunnel that day because once Cas stepped foot into out lives he never left. My Mama searched high and low for his parents, with the help of the police of course and Cas stayed in my bedroom while they trylied tracking them down. The police men wanted to take Cas away and put him in one of those group homes where kids who don't have parents go but Mama wouldn't let them. She said he was fine right where he was, with us, he was family now. For years we went on like this, just existing with each other. When you saw one of you knew the other wasn't far behind, even if he was a year ahead of me in school. Everyone knew that if you messed with sweet, little Cas you'd be dealing with me and I didn't take kindly to people messing with my family. Years went by and we just kept getting closer. Sometimes Mama would watch us while we did our homework at the kitchen table and she'd just smile one of her secret smiles. The one's she saced just for us. Sammy liked to tease us, but he was just a dumb kid, what did he know. Lord knows I had no idea, at 13 years old I was a blank as a sheet of paper, just waiting to be filled in. On Cas' 17th birthday I watched him walk into a closet with Meg Masters and felt my heart break for the very first time. I didn't know it then, I just knew that whatever this feeling was it hurt and I wanted it to stop more than anything, so I left the party and walked up a flight of stops to our bedroom, which held Cas' bed now too. I fell down on to the mattress of my own bed and I cried. Boy, I don't think I had ever cried so much about anything in my life. Mama must of heard me from her bedroom though, because she came in and set down on the edge of my bed while I gripped the bottom of her shirt and blubbered like a baby. She just ran her fingers through my hair and smiled sadly down at me. I begged her to make it stop cause I felt like this pain was gonna rip me in half and she said the one thing that I've kept with me since. She said "Baby, if you want that pain to stop you gotta hold your head up high and fight for that boy. Don't stop until he tells you he doesnt want it anymore." Do that ls what I did. I fought. The next year on my own 17th birthday I confessed my feelings to my best friend. Right in front of God and everybody. He looked at me with wide, careful eyes and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest like it was going to break free and flop around on the floor. Then he did something I never expected, he grabbed me up by the collar of my shirt and pulled me into the best kiss I had ever had in my life. All of our friends cheered and whistled and it felt like my world had just started spinning again. Today Im 29 years old, Cas here is 30 and I just married my best friend. It was a long, exciting adventure and I'm more than happy that I could share it with you Sweetheart." Dean smiles softly as he looks down onto the eyes of his husband and lifts the champagne shoot high into the air. "Here's to sharing the rest of this adventure with the you too. I love you Cas. Until you tell me you don't want it anymore and way beyond that."

[nicolasninenien]

Singaporean Paradigm

Statistically, Singapore’s education system has produced outputs of stellar academic results over the last few years, beating many illustrious international academic institutions. I must admit, the system is indeed an excellent one in providing a world-class education.

However, although it’s ranking in the international field is remarkably astounding, it comes with a heavy price upon those giving the end product. Not too long ago, I read an article about an 11 year old boy who committed suicide because he did not meet his parents’ academic expectation. This is indeed a tragic story; that young boy had a promising future ahead of him but it was taken away simply because of an ingrained culture that sweeps every Asian sub-conscience. Elitism 101.

The stress on excellent academic performance is crucial in Singapore. As such, this attitude spawned many ‘Tiger mums’ and ‘Lombardi dads’ to go crazy on their kids at a very young age, enrolling them to specialised tuition centres, music and art classes. In result, this emboldens the child’s capabilities and skill sets, enabling them to perform extremely well in schools. However, we must not neglect the silent few, the ones who can’t cope with such a system. Well, I was one of them.

I was a late bloomer. I was fascinated with cartoons and was rather mischievous in tuition classes (surprisingly, I was well-behaved in school though I do get punished in school at times). I was not interested in the Maths and sciences, I had no intention of even doing the assignments and homework given to me. I was a kid, I wanted to have fun playing with my friends. However, my parents reception to my behaviour was not well received. They placed me in many numerous classes, during the weekdays and the weekends. The tutors did their best but their efforts were futile, I still failed most of my subjects. As such, it really hit me and I thought that maybe I was dumb. I actually believed that I was stupid, incapable of thinking and logical rationalisation. In turn, my esteem was shattered pretty hard. When I was 12, I received my Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) results of 163. I still remembered the look on my mother’s face, a face I could not bear to see. A face that projected sheer disappointment and anguish.

The look on her face stirred my emotions quickly, without hesitation. I thought my life was over. “This was it, I’m such a loser”. Those kinds of sentiments rushed through my head, inside the wandering mind of a 12 year old kid. I felt lost and hopeless. However, that did not deter me. I gazed upon my mother’s face with a rousing determination: I made a bet with her. “I will enter the Express Stream”. She nodded without much enthusiasm.

As such, I entered secondary school with a drive to excel. I wasted no time with work. I wanted to be the best in all aspects, no matter what. Finally, at secondary 2, I was no longer in the Normal Academic Stream (NA). I was promoted to the Express Stream. It was glorious, a gamble I made that came true. I still remember the moment of elation when I received the news in the classroom. My efforts were not in vain.

Upper secondary came along, it was smooth sailing from the start. It seemed as though everything was in my favour, no obstacles, no barriers. As such, I was doomed from the start. My egoism mounted and my cynicism grew, I thought I could beat anyone in my class (or even the whole Express cohort). I wanted to prove what I was capable of, a former Normal Academic student. I wanted to beat them all. However, things came spiralling down. I was caught up with duties and responsibilities with my Co-Curricular Activities (CCA) in the Prefectorial Board and the National Cadet Corp (Land). I fought with my dear tuition teacher (Ms Yen) as I always made excuses for not accomplishing work given to me. I always feel guilty about that. Then one day, our amazing chemistry from lower secondary fell apart. I did not see her anymore. That’s where I made one of the greatest blunders in my whole academic life, I chose to join a class recommended by a friend of mine. That tutor, his name was Alvin Tan.

I came for his classes. He was so full of himself who talked about his academic achievements in the past, a braggart who manipulated feelings of his students to make them feel weak and useless, even to the extent of breaking friendships that altered and brewed tensions between former allies by creating unnecessary rivalry. I trusted him. He broke me to my very core. He told me I wasn’t suited for the A-level course. He was so wrong.

In the end, I got a raw score of 17 L1R5 for the GCE O-Levels and headed my way to Innova Junior College up north in Woodlands. I came with an idea of recreating myself, to forget the horrid past of Post O-Levels by establishing a wild and passionate persona. It did not go well. Well, things were easy at first. Then came along the real deal, the dreadful lectures and tutorials. Interestingly, as the months go by, my interests in the respective subjects that I was studying was reinforced while simultaneously dreading the work to be done. It was not a pleasant ride. I had a huge circle of friends at first which slowly deteriorated as the months go by. I fought with certain friends in the Student Council (not gonna state their names) and felt extremely vulnerable.

As such, the environment then felt very hostile as I felt alienated and isolated. I felt lonely, physically and emotionally. I was torn apart. Friends come and go, small talks here and there. Cliques everywhere. I felt as though I didn’t belong. What if Alvin Tan was right all along? Am I really not capable of conquering A-levels? Everything seemed so bleak, I did not have the answers. I mixed myself with a girl I thought I was in love with (dumped her in the end though, we were nothing much). It was all too much.

Until one special afternoon, a question that will forever change the course of my JC experience: “Nic, wanna go Wild Wild Wet with us?”. Everything blossomed, I got close with Asaad, Haziq and Ashleey (which at first seemed to unlikely) and they treated me like family. We laughed, we ate together, we played together, we studied together. Everything was doing just fine (well, not in the academic sense).

It was a long and winding road towards the A-levels, we (mostly Asaad and I) clocked in day in and day out in the library. Studying and mugging every concepts, notes, facts and abstract ideas for our essays. We were all sick and tired of failing (I received a rank point of 17 for Prelims) and we felt miserable. However, the company was great. Just the guys studying (sometimes productively) in the library towards one specific goal, conquering A-levels. That’s where we grew closer and stronger as we headed towards the final countdown.

This is where the story of my formal education ends. Well, you may ask how did I fair for the A-levels. I must say, not too good. I got a 60 Rank Point which was pretty average (though I couldn’t get into a local university). Believe me, A-levels was not easy. It was a suicidal course. However, I did took up the challenge where some may say I couldn’t do it (even Ms Yen doubted me). People may say that getting a 60 for 2 years of studying ain’t worthwhile. Well, I disagree. I’ve learnt so many things beyond the classroom. The notion of accountability and responsibility, the power of resilience and attitude, the will to smile through the times of hardships. I learnt that on my own. No teacher taught me that. Life was my teacher. It gave me a hard lesson these past few years in the Singaporean System.

I am eternally grateful to my teachers, those that were kind and patient, those that were brutally straight forward and honest, those that even question my very sanity. I thank them sincerely. Without them, I wouldn’t be typing this out. Throughout my academic life as a student in Singapore, I must say…

I was the victor and the victim. I had my moments of achievements and numerous failures. In these failures, I learnt the importance of humility because I know what it feels like being a complete loser. It sucks tremendously. It breaks your mind and soul, it leaves you in the dark begging for an answer to your perceived predicament. However, life itself is a dimension filled with endless possibilities. As long as you and I are still breathing, we can make the best out of our lives. As a kid, I thought failure was the end of the world. Everything felt like it was collapsing. Failure is an inevitable condition in the human experience. One must embrace it, one must remain calm and composed in the face of great adversities for life is a great big bubble of ambiguity. Our choices does not necessarily define you, it is what you do even when life seemed to be dead wrong. Respond difficulties with kindness and compassion for it shall be returned to the giver. What goes around what comes around.

Throughout this journey, I’ve met a lot of intelligent people. Oh, remembered the aforementioned 'Elitism 101’ nonsense? Well, there are those who were intelligent and there were those who mixed intelligence with blatant arrogance and disconcerting vanity. These people are those who belittle others, who mistreat them saying that they aren’t in the same level as them, in terms of intellectual capacity. Not the same level? That’s true. You know why? Intelligence is not solely got to do with numbers, concepts and statistics. There are different types of intelligence these elitist high horses need to comprehend. Schools test nothing about intelligence. They do not teach. They forgot to teach and thus we forgot to learn. We were instead forced to memorised in order to get an A for a damn certificate. People, don’t mix yourselves to these narrow-minded freaks. Don’t you dare say you’re stupid or whatsoever. You deserve everything in the world and what it has to offer, no one can tell you different. No one. Not even your parents, your siblings, your teachers and your friends. Intelligence and sheer memorisation, two different entities. Totally different things. You’re neither dumb nor stupid. You’re different and be yourself. Be original. Be you.

So, there you have it people, this is the Singaporean Paradigm, a perspective from a student and his great academic adventure from primary school to junior college, a great emotional rollercoaster that was worthwhile riding. It’s time to move along, to a next chapter of my life.

Thank you for everything, MOE

Sincerely, The Traumatised Teen