#hi momo i heard u ordered a serving of sad i gave u a side of pain too

[ashton-ryder]

Ashton didn't flinch at the outburst volume, but did wince at the substance of those words. It didn't change his question, compared to her, if she declared his out casting, would they really deny her? He didn't even have the answer to his question, what could they have done? Nothing, it wasn't their fault. He inserted himself into their lives and they owed him nothing. Instead, all he could say was what encapsulated his decision to keep quiet, "and she's family too, isn't she," Ashton started before steeling himself to look at JP's heartbroken face, "how could I do that to you, hurt you and make you choose between your family to turn against?" Telling Jeremiah or Charlie hadn't changed much of the status quo, even if Jer managed to quell her at times (in ways he rather not know and let the jealousy fester over) for Ash to last long enough till now. And he rather spare JP the hurt because he would be the one to hurt the most by this, and it still won't change anything.

He paused at the second painful question, eyes looking away before he even dare murmur, "well, you made it plenty clear you didn't want me there tonight." If he'd admit it, it hurt a little to barely be acknowledged, not during the fight, not as they shared words of love, not as they left the room while he picked up broken glass. He felt like he didn't belong in there, but so much worse for being the one to have caused it. Instances came in small doses over the years that unconsciously drew a line he knew he shouldn't cross; celebrating birthdays, family nights, JP protecting Sada, they were all small and petty and meant nothing individually, but piling them up together alongside Sada's constant torment of reminders for years was a bad recipe for his overthinking mind.

There wasn't enough time in the night to tell him all of it. But Ashton doesn't comment on that and instead opened the can of worms he can never close ever again. He didn't know if this was the right thing to do, he was so afraid of it being the wrong thing to do, but he was so stuck, what else could he do? Ashton let out a long, shaky exhale when he finally ran out of words, he couldn't do anymore of this tonight. When JP's voice finally calmed into something softer, anger dissipated, sharp edges no longer there, did Ashton genuinely look up to him from the floor, a small breath escaped through a ghost of a smile, "..it does," mirroring the complete opposite reply of the similar words of comfort he told JP earlier, greeting it with softness instead of rage. He was trying to bargain with himself that the moment he got his PhD, he had to leave New York, he couldn't do this for the rest of his life with Sada breathing down his neck, but even with that deadline approaching he wasn't sure if he had the heart to leave what had been a second home that welcomed him with open arms since day one. Not that it mattered any more, PhD not even in his sights right now.

It was a valid question that brought a sigh that came out half a laugh of the crude way it was asked, Ash was about to answer when JP decided to make a guess that caught him off guard, "huh-?" He hadn't been ready to think about that, even if JP had been teasing him about it and him denying it for years, suddenly it all felt too real within just days ago, and yet not real at all. It was.. confusing if only on a very miniscule level. Jer's words still ringing heavily in the back of his head as a reminder; there's Sada, there always will be Sada and that's never going to change. "No- no. I don't-- think so.." it was perhaps the first time Ashton actually hesitated debunking JP's theories about the two of them, always quick to deny because nothing ever happened between them before. A seed of doubt now wondering if Jer told Sada, but he quickly swatted it away, it was too soon for either of them to want to deal with that. He wouldn't.. right?

Ashton ran a hand through his hair ending up rubbing over his face, thankful for the darkness of the night that JP couldn't see him properly, "we- I mean.." So much truth came out today Ash almost kept going, stopping himself in time. But the sudden panic rose, "please don't tell her." JP could break his trust and run back to Sada with everything else, but not this one, "you'll probably actually find my corpse if you do," he tried to add an air of joke but in the end felt much more heavy as a fucking true possibility, and his deep blues glanced up with an underlying desperation, words uttered so softly but seriously almost as a beg, "..please." If JP wanted proof of good will of Ash trusting him with the truth, this was it. It felt like he was putting his heart in JP's hand and guess this was about to test who he really was to JP, compared to Sada.

"I really don't fucking know, I just.. I had a mission once in New York - I'm sure she's told you this already. It's just been so much worse since she followed us back here and we're essentially stuck in here together."

"You're fucking family!" he roared, reminiscent of his older brother. "That's what you are. And to the Roses, that matters. What do we have to do to make you believe that?" he asked almost rhetorically. Being accepted as one of them was a fucking honor that Ash should have just taken. He didn't have to keep doubting himself like he was and, mad or not, that broke John-Paul's heart. "Fuck Sada," he said surprisingly even for him, but he was pissed at her for keeping her mouth shut and even madder with the possible truth to Ashton's revelations. "When have we ever made you feel anything less than one of us?"

Why else would he have gotten so mad at him for keeping things from him. He had, for the most part, been honest and open with him. With the important stuff anyway. John-Paul didn't understand why Ashton felt he couldn't do the same. Or how he had been so blind to the fact that his friend had been suffering so badly because of the woman he considered a mother. What anger he'd felt at the party had, by now, dissipated into a self-reflective hatred. Had he really made Ash feel like he couldn't be trusted?

"All of it," he answered as if it had been a question when Ash scoffed. Then he shut the fuck up and let him talk.

His brow furrowed in deep regret when he fully realized he hadn't been the safe space he'd thought he was for him, the pain in Ash's eyes nearly fatal. Worse still he remembered overhearing Amelia say something about a break-in during a facetime call. And how, when he asked about it, it had been brushed off as misplacing her earrings. What Ash didn't know was that he'd asked Sada to use her connections just to check it out, worried about Amelia's safety, and he been reassured she was fine. Had Sada lied to him?

He gave a short, silent nod when he asked about his telescope - because yes he did remember Charlie trying to get some money together some years back. And how he'd given her most of what she was needing when he finally got her to admit why she'd needed it. However, he'd been given a story of Ash dropping it. John-Paul suddenly felt like he didn't know anyone anymore, each confession distorting the reality he once knew.

The realization of what an asshole he'd been was now painfully obvious to him. But how did he say sorry now. "If it means anything at this point I'm glad you didn't leave," he offered quietly. "You could tell me why she has such a hard on for you," he added crudely. "Is it over Jer?" he guessed, Ash's feelings for his brother unspoken knowledge between the two.