#hi it's me I make sad playlists for my characters to make myself cry

[magnus-sm-writes]

WIP Re-Intro: Lessons in Humanity from a Future Physicist

Genre: Literary Fiction, Coming-of-Age | Status: Rewriting | Playlist | Pinterest

Way back in the day—I think on my old account, which I lost the password and the email for—, I wrote a WIP intro for Lessons in Humanity from a Future Physicist. Looking back, it’s not up to the standards that I hold now, which is a sign that things have changed for the better. Things have also changed since then. 

Lessons in Humanity is my oldest work. This year, it turns ten years old. That’s older than 3/4 of my sister’s kids, older than my relationship, and older than even my own name. It’s crazy to think that I’ve been writing this book for almost half of my life, and crazier still that I keep changing things about it. These are characters I made when I was a lonely, angsty tweenager who was feeling weird things about my gender and place in the world.

The first draft of Lessons in Humanity, which was called We’re All Dead After All, was a disaster of depression that honestly concerns me, looking back at it. I was deeply sad at this time. Things have vastly improved since then, though I still do like a tragic story every now and then.

It’s no longer a story drenched in my own pre-teen depression; it’s a story about growing up and changing. I think that’s what makes it so personal to me; that I’ve been changing things about it as I’ve grown up and changed.

Lessons in Humanity is about Kam Suzuki and his best friend Zach Amsel as they begin their first semester at Miami University (in Oxford, Ohio). While there, Kam has a difficult time adjusting to the change and finds himself crumbling under the weight of some issues he has yet to deal with. 

A more literal way to put it is: Kam experiences the absolute Hell I went through (mentally) when I graduated university.

It’s more of a literary fiction character study than something with a big, overarching plot. Think My Year of Rest and Relaxation literary fiction versus The Secret History literary fiction. Nothing big and grand happens in it. It’s a quiet story about a guy slowly wearing himself into nothing and then building himself back up (with the help of his friends). There’s a romantic subplot that I only ended up adding because it felt natural.

I think what makes Lessons in Humanity so important to me isn’t just that I’ve been working on it for almost half my life. It’s also that, whenever I go through a difficult time of change, I come back to it. Case in point: I’m writing this update right now because, in six weeks, the American branch of my company will lay us all off. Lessons in Humanity brings me comfort when I feel directionless because Kam feels the same way. Dare I call it my comfort work.

As a (likely-autistic) trans guy myself, Kam was me before I was even me. For all the time I’ve been writing him, Kam has been a way to understand myself and the things I felt. Of course he’s like me. 

My biggest hope with this book is that it does for others what it’s been doing for me. I love Lessons in Humanity when I’m feeling unsure and afraid of change. If it can comfort other people in those times—or any other time—, then I consider it to be a success, no matter what. The idea of Lessons in Humanity from a Future Physicist being someone’s comfort book makes me want to cry.

I haven’t done a full rewrite of Lessons in Humanity since 2020. Since then, I’ve gone to university and gotten (part) of the full experience, and I’m going to add quite a bit of realism to what wasn’t accurate before.

(My husband and I are going to go on a small trip to Oxford, Ohio in October once the layoffs are finished so I can get a little bit of a refresher on the town. I haven’t been in two years, and that was back when I was doing Doordash.)

Kam Suzuki

One of my first ever queer characters, Kam will always hold a dear place in my heart. It’s not that much of a joke when I say that Kam is my self-insert character. When you list out our traits, we look almost the same. And yet, I do take some steps to make Kam a little different from me. I take aspects of people in my life that I love (which I do for all of my characters) that are far different from me and put them in him.

Despite being obsessed with his physical fitness, Kam is someone who doesn’t deal with his problems. He locks them in his chest and lets them claw away at him until he can’t stand it anymore. Unfortunately, that happens to him during the events of Lessons in Humanity. There’s some stuff he’s been holding in for far too long, like his trauma from walking in on his twin brother’s suicide attempt, along with his general hatred of things changing and fear of abandonment. 

Kam’s lifelong dream is to work for NASA. He’s been obsessed with space and science since he was a small child, so of course, he’s a Physics major. He’s also the type of person who works himself to the bone for success. (In this way, we are the same.)

Zach Amsel

Something I love about Zach is that it feels like he’s the other part of me. What Kam didn’t get, it seems like Zach got. Zamsel is the type of indie soft boy that I easily catch crushes for, with my “anxious but slutty bisexual” energy and unruly curly hair.

When it comes to Zamsel, I would just like to say: his playlist is composed of a lot of The Front Bottoms. He’s a sad boy who gets into a lot of bad situations with toxic romantic partners that take advantage of him. While I’ve changed the timeline of a couple relationships of his, the fact that he’s willing to get with almost anyone who shows interest in him is equal parts depressing and frustrating. For both everyone in the novel and myself. 

Bad taste aside, Zamsel is a sweet guy with an incredible competitive streak. He and Kam have been competing with each other for years now, and they still push each other towards success.

Nikki Espinosa-Jasso

Nikki is a Mechanical Engineering student who shares an art class with Kam and Zamsel. She’s a year older and wiser, a bit jaded, and overall, a little abrasive on the surface, but she has a heart of gold. I think we’ve all met a person like her. Her main love languages are acts of service and getting food together.

She’s receiving what is pretty much a total overhaul. Where she used to be a quasi-mother figure to Kam and Zach, I’ve decided to make her a little more feral and a lot less maternal. Nikki needs to be a more interesting person outside of the boys.

Vic Suzuki

Kam’s brother who is still in high school since he didn’t skip a grade when Kam did. When I first created him, he was your typical 2014-era emo, which has now become a 2024 Tiktok alt boy, I guess. Blue hair, lots of piercings, black hoodies under leather jackets, bold tattoos, bisexuality. He was my gender goal when I created him, and honestly, I’m pretty damn close to it right now.

In the past, Vic was depressed to the point of attempting suicide, which Kam walked in on and was traumatized by. Vic doesn’t know this. He’s gotten better since then, and has far better coping mechanisms. Honestly, he has some of the best mental health in the book, which is a huge change from how he was in WADAA. 

He has goals now (that don’t include being dead). Vic is trying to line up a tattoo apprenticeship when he graduates high school. 

Gerard Shimmish

Kicked out of his parent’s house for being gay, Gerard has been living with the Suzuki family for about a year and a half. He’s Vic’s boyfriend and best friend, and a general ray of sunshine. We don’t see as much of Gerard as we did in WADAA, which is a shame. Gerard is a character I pour a lot of my optimism into.

His big thing is helping people. He wants to be a social worker or a psychiatrist. Something where he works with LGBT youth like himself. 

He’s getting some minor character edits to make him a little more interesting, but overall, I think Gerard’s a sweetheart. I might borrow some traits from my husband to give him some more depth.

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@aritany, @reininginthefirewriting

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[blitzwhore]

Okay I have some song recs for the stolitz playlist.

The Simplest Words - The Narcissist Cookbook (feels very Blitz perspective of the self hating)

Howl - The Family Crest (This song feels very horny and top energy. The definition of I'm going to make you fall for me. Side note it also feels super omega verse, lol)

So Alright, Cool, Whatever - The Happy Fits (This is aggressive yearning. Oh my lord I could see it from Stolas or Blitz perspective)

Rises the Moon - Momoru (Lovely male cover of this song. For some reason I imagine it as a sad Blitz cover. Like almost this was a lullaby that Tilla would sing to him.)

Functional Poetry - The Narcissist Cookbook

I think I am going to leave my phone at home tonight- The Narcissist Cookbook (cute Blitz or Stolas perspective)

Casualty - Lawrence (Blitz perspective)

C'mon Baby, Cry - Orville Peck (Good cowboy sounding song about letting people in and having your guard down. When Blitz wants to cosplay as a cowboy)

The Curse of the Blackened Eye - Orville Peck (This is a really good song about depression)

Dirty Imbecile - The Happy Fits (Could see from either perspective)

Self Esteem - AJJ (Blitz perspective)

Goodbye Optimism - Pedals on Our Pirate Ships (Super edgy Blitz)

Self-Loathing - Days N Daze (Blitz)

I'm Not a Good Person - Pat The Bunny (Super edgy Blitz)

Horseface Pirate - Blind Mountain Holler (Title is self explanatory. Song just feels Helluva Boss coded)

Next to You - Jon Vincent III

Moments - Micah Edwards (sleepy)

Notice Me - acoustic - ROLE MODEL

Goodbye - The Altogether (sweet goodbye song 😭. Kinda feels apology tour coded)

Painkiller - Ruel (kind of a vibe and a jam)

I recommend some that I don't think you have yet. I have a huge playlist myself for edgy romances. I hope you enjoy 😊.

So many recs! Thank you! ✨💞

The Simplest Words - oh this one is going right into the Blitz playlist, damn. It's so him it hurts. Love how it sounds, too!!

Howl - oh hey I actually already have this song saved, I think an irl friend recced it. And yet somehow I never stopped to pay attention to the lyrics and realise just how well they fit Stolas holy shit. Especially the first half! Wtf. 🤣 I've added it to the Stolas playlist now! (and, yeah, the second half of the song is so omegaverse coded 😂 I love that shit)

So alright, cool, whatever - love it! The rhythm is a bit too upbeat, but I think the lyrics at the beginning are sad enough to fit in the Stolitz angst playlist, so there it goes!

Rises the moon - love how it sounds! I like your idea of Tilla singing it to Blitz, but while I was listening I couldn't help but imagine a sad and lonely Stolas singing it to himself as a way to self-soothe. I feel like the moon imagery and the poetic language fit his character very well. (and how cute and heartbreaking would it be if the song Tilla sings to Blitz is the same song Stolas sings to himself? 😭) added to the Stolas playlist!!!

Functional poetry - the lyrics fit both of them at different parts, so yeah, this one goes to the Stolitz playlist! I really liked it!

I think I'm going to leave my phone at home tonight - the first half of the song fits Stolas so well, I feel! And I like the second half, I have a very soft spot for spoken poetry in the middle of songs (Nightwish songs my beloved), so I think I'm gonna save it to the Stolas playlist!

Casualty - yup, 100% Blitz lol, added!

C'mon baby, cry - oh hey, I already have an Orville Peck song in the Stolas playlist (recced by @stolitzsings!). Despite the cowboy vibes I feel like the lyrics of this song also fit Stolas better, so his playlist is where this is going ❤️

The curse of the blackened eye - saving this one to my likes because I really enjoyed it but I haven't decided if it fits any of my HB playlists!

Dirty imbecile - I think this one might go in my Blitz playlist! Gotta listen to it a couple of times to see if it sticks :)

Self esteem - the lyrics fit Blitz so well! Pity the song is so short!

Goodbye optimism - super edgy indeed! I don't think this one fits my style but I can see Blitz in it!

Self loathing - same as above

I'm not a good person - damn this is so Blitz 😳 how sad is it that the only lyric that doesn't fit him is "I'm asleep all day in my room" because he doesn't have a room? Anyway, this is going in his playlist!

Horseface pirate - loving the way this sounds! It's going in the Blitz playlist methinks :)

Next to you - I'm saving this one to my personal likes because I'm not sure it fits any of my HB playlists but I really enjoyed it!

Moments - this is so pretty 🥺 I can imagine Stolas singing it about Blitz. I'll add it to the Stolitz angst playlist!

Notice me - might keep this one in the Blitz playlist :3 I have to listen to it a couple of times

Goodbye - 😭😭😭 *adds to stolitz angst playlist*

Painkiller - loving the way this one sounds. I'm gonna save it to my likes for now and maybe it'll make it into a playlist after I've listened to it a few times!

Thanks SO MUCH for these recs, I loved so many of these!!!! 😍

[shhh-secret-time]

Hello!

Two questions:

One: where do you get your inspiration for writing?

Two: who's you're favorite south park character?

I love you! Drink some water!

Hi! Thank you for reminding me! Twizzlers and a Coors Light Beer is not dinner, but it is a good intro to this answer haha!

For the first question that's a tough one so I'm going to warn you all, BIG RANT AHEAD!

My biggest inspiration for the reader inserts are you guys. There's a reason in my ao3 I leave those kind words and words of affirmation after every story. I need every single person who reads my things to know that I care about you guys.

You read it all the time that story tellers, artists, and musicians are nothing without their audience. And it's absolutely true. I cannot stress enough that even though you know nothing about me, and I know nothing about you, doesn't mean I don't care.

I love people so very much. I think we as humans have the greatest gift this universe could have ever given us.

We have the compacity to love so much. With so many different ways to love!

It could be romantic, platonic, familial, whatever! We have it. That's so fucking awesome!

So if I can express that love and make you feel better, just a little bit, by writing these situations where you are loved. Then I'm going to do it.

As for the scenes and settings, I usually carry a outrageous, over-the-top, bright pink notebook around with me. It is so ugly and atrocious, but I remember it because of that. I write down thoughts I have throughout the day and things I see.

Aside from that, I take in the works of others. I let it show me a different way of thinking and perceiving situations I wouldn't have otherwise. There are artists on this website that absolutely blow me away and keep me humble. I've got much to learn, and I'm so excited to do it!

Music honestly it the biggest source of this. I have so many Playlist of moods for scenes and emotions I need to tap into. (That's another thing that makes humans so fucking awesome)

Like. As an artist you need to invoke a feeling using colors and shapes. If you ever stop to think about that, that's so amazing. A little circle shaped and molded to make you feel happy. Melancholy. At peace. Nostalgic.

Like holy fuck dude.

A storyteller does the same with words and moments like this.

I think a thing a lot of creators, including myself, tend to do that keeps their work from their absolute best. Is the fact that we want so badly to take the image we have in our head and the feelings in our hearts and put it in our work and hope you get that exact feeling!

But I think letting the person enjoying our work and coming to their own feelings and conclusions at times is what puts the spice in a really good dish!

For my Pomegranates and Honey story, that's what I'm trying to do. I have experiences and emotions that I know other people have felt, or they need help feeling. You know when you listen to a sad song so you can cry and feel a little better, I want to capture that but with the pains of growing up.

People are going to move on. There are some that are going to change and grow with or without you. It sucks, it hurts, but you have to accept it. Grow at your own pace, find something that works for you. Things that get you through this frustrating world.

For me it's writing. For me it's love.

So yeah, that's my inspiration. Veeeeery long winded answer, short.

As for my favorite character?

It's a tie between Stan and Kyle. Kyle because I love that little dude, I love what the Fandom has let him grow into. The fact that this community took these circles and went, "Yeah this is awesome."

Kyle has character traits that I admire in a human being. The will to just go. That temper of his is funny don't get me wrong, but I admire that so much. What I would give to just feel anger like that, to express my frustration so freely. He's caring to those around him, and he had a strong sense of morals. He isn't afraid to stand up when those morals are put into question. He's not afraid to defend those he loves, even if they may not always be in the right!

Stan is my favorite because everything about him I feel. That fear of not being good enough for anyone, so you try to pull the spotlight on you. Real talk, I used to be a very self-absorbed person growing up. I would actively deny ever wanting it, but if I ever found out my friends did something without me, I'd feel hurt. The need to be wanted so very badly is still there, but I'm better about it. Stan struggles with depression, we all know that. But the feeling of watching everyone you know move on while you're stuck in this fucking pit, and sometimes it feels like it's too much. Yeah I feel that. I love Stan because I want to see him get better, I wanna see me get better.

So, thank you so very much for these questions. I love, love, love things like this! Please feel free to ask more. It's never a bother!

[harringtonstilinski]

Always The Babysitter - Chapter Seven: The Bathtub

Author: @harringtonstilinski​ Characters: Steve Harrington x Olivia Henderson(OC) (eventually) Word Count: 4,349 Warnings: lil’ bit more angst, fluff if you squint Smut: no | yes; A/N: Hi, friends! We get more Dusty in this episode!! If you like this chapter, please do not hesitate to reblog and give some feedback, whether it be in the reblogs, comments, or my inbox. As always, read at your own risk and enjoy 😊

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I sighed as I sat in the driver's seat of Steve’s car, trying to control my breathing. Once I heard three car doors shut, I looked over at the passenger side, seeing Steve’s beat up face. I didn’t wanna cry in front of Carol and Tommy, so I just started the car and drove to the nearest store that I knew sold medicine and drinks for Steve.

Once we made it, Tommy and Carol got out. After they went into the store, I let a couple of tears roll down my cheeks. I heard Steve sigh before he quietly said, “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve been saying that a lot,” I whispered, looking down at my fingers.

“I keep dragging you into things–”

“But it’s my choice to be there for you.” I looked at him, another tear going down my cheek. “You’re my best friend. I miss you. I–” I stopped myself from saying what I wanted, so I just went with the next best thing. “I can’t go back to the station. I can’t do that to my mom.”

“What do you mean?” Steve asked. I could hear the confusion in his voice.

I sighed. “After we… I don’t know, I guess ‘broke up’, I started sneaking out and getting into some trouble. Hanging back at parties that the cops had busted, stealing a carton of Marlboro Reds, stupid shit like that. My mom came and got me every single time. The last time I was up there, they told me that I wouldn’t make it home, but instead a jail cell.”

“What did you do?”

I was quiet for a moment before I decided to speak up. “I stole a VCR.” At Steve’s silence, I looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me, but instead his own fingers.

“Yeah. It was pretty bad. I broke into the back of the store and stole the newest model they had. Wasn’t my best moment.”

After a moment, he asked, “What made you do it?” I looked at him and whispered his name, tears lining my eyes. He looked at me for a moment before asking me what made me want to act out like that.

“You don’t remember?” I asked.

He shook his head, eyes cast down.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, preparing myself. “It was the night I called you and asked if you wanted to hang out before school started the following week. I guess I was deaf to the girl on your end moaning. You ended up lying to me, telling me that your Grandma was in town. The girl moaned louder, announcing her… climax, and I just– I hung up. My mom was already asleep and so was my brother, so I snuck out and met up with some of my so-called friends at the time and I just… broke into the store and stole.”

He was so quiet, I thought he had stopped breathing. I watched as he blinked, a tear falling from his eye. He brought his hand up to his face, about to touch his hurt eye when I reached over and gently pushed his hand down.

He looked at me, sadness in his features. Opening his mouth to speak, I shook my head, “If you say that you’re sorry one more time, I swear I’m gonna cut your hair off.”

We both chuckled before I looked back at the store, wondering what was taking Tommy and Carol so long. Looking back at Steve, I tilted my head in the direction of the back of the car. “Come on. Let’s go sit.”

Getting out, I breathed in a deep breath of fresh air before shutting the door and walking around the back of the car, giving Steve his keys back. We sat on the trunk of the car in silence. Carol came out first, a small smile on her face.

I scrunched my face in disgust, voicing as such. A couple minutes later, Tommy came out, tossing a bottle of medicine at Steve while trying to hand him a Coke, while saying, “You owe me $1.20.”

As Steve dry swallowed his medicine, Tommy said, “Don’t worry. He’ll need more than aspirin when we’re done with him.”

“Yeah, if the creep ever gets out,” Carol said.

I rolled my eyes as Steve leaned his elbows on his knees, looking back at me for a split moment before putting the Coke can up to his head. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I felt his shoulder relax a little.

“The cops should lock him up forever. Did you see the look on his face?”

All I heard was Tommy laughing and Carol punching him.

“He probably had the same look on his face whenever he killed his brother, right?” Tommy said.

Steve knocked his knee against mine, knowing my sisterly feelings towards the Byers boys. Picking my head up, I sighed before hopping off the car.

“Oh, god, I just got an image of him making that face while he and Nancy are screwing,” Carol said.

Steve and I locked eyes for a minute before I looked down. I didn’t expect the events that would happen next.

“Carol, for once in your life, shut your damn mouth!” Steve said.

I looked at him, not expecting that.

“What?” she asked.

“Hey, what’s your problem, man?” Tommy asked.

Again, Steve and I locked eyes before he looked over at Tommy and Carol, looking at the both of them.

“You’re both assholes, that’s my problem,” Steve said, getting down from the car.

I took a step back as Tommy asked, “Are you serious right now, man?”

“Yeah, I think he is,” I said. “Something I’ve been saying since the beginning.”

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Steve said, walking to his side of the car. 

“Done what?” Tommy asked.

“You know what!”

“You mean call her out for what she really is? Oh, that’s funny because I don’t remember you asking me to stop.”

Anger took over me as I stalked over to the boys, pushing my way in between them and pushing Tommy away with everything I had. “I should’ve put that fucking spray paint down your throat.”

“What the hell, Liv?” Carol asked.

I looked at her and said, “Don’t call me that. Ya’know, neither of you ever really cared about Steve. Or Nancy. You never even liked her, or Steve. Because she’s not miserable like the two of you. They actually care about other people.”

“The slut with a heart of gold,” Carol said.

“He said watch your damn mouth!” I felt two arms around my middle before I was shoved against Steve.

“Hey! I don’t know what’s gotten into you, man, but you don’t talk to her that way,” Tommy said.

“It’s me talking, zit face!” I yelled.

Tommy went to grab me by my jacket, but Steve shoved me away before he could, making Tommy grab him instead.

“Or what?” Tommy asked.

Steve started fighting against Tommy, who asked, “You gonna fight me now, too? Because you couldn’t take Jonathan Byers… so, I wouldn’t recommend that.”

Still flooded with anger, I got in between Steve and Tommy, shoving him off Steve again. Staring Tommy down for a moment, I even breathed in anger before I turned to Steve, who was already looking at me. “Come on, let’s go.”

He didn’t say anything. He just opened the door and started to get in as I quickly walked to the passenger side of the car, getting in as Tommy said, “That’s right. Run away, Stevie boy!”

Steve quickly backed out of the parking spot and sped off down the road. 

I didn’t wanna say anything, so I just looked out of the window. Steve cleared his throat, so I looked at him before he started speaking.

“Look. I know I’ve been an asshole to you the last couple years. But I felt like I had this… reputation to uphold. I guess I took the whole King Steve thing a little too seriously.”

“It’s okay to want to live up to the last King,” I said. “You just didn’t need to be an ass about it. People call me Queen Olivia. That alone feels weird.”

It’s almost like he knew to take me home ‘cause I recognized the turns he was taking.

“Do you remember when we were kids, how we’d play that Kingdom game?” he asked.

I chuckled, nodding my head. “I do remember. It was one of my favorite games to play.”

“It’s almost like that game,” he said. “Me being King, ruling over the Kingdom of Hawkins. You as my queen.”

“I was more of a princess or peasant when we were kids.”

“Now you’re my queen.”

I looked at his profile. “Best friend.”

He looked at me for a moment, a small smile on his features. “Best friend.”

When he pulled into the driveway, we both got out, meeting at the front of the car for a much needed hug.

“Call me later?” he asked.

I nodded, pulling away. “Like old times.” I walked to the door, turning to see Steve waiting at the road before pulling off after I waved. When I walked inside, Mom was sitting in her chair, Mews in her lap. 

“Oh, Livvie,” she said. “Dustin called. He asked if you could meet him and the boys at the junkyard.”

“The junky– oh, no,” I said, turning back out of the house and getting on my bike. I pedaled as fast as I could towards the junkyard, wanting to make a stop first. 

Walking into the house, I stopped and looked at the display of Christmas lights that was still up. I heard Nancy talking, so I followed her voice to Will’s room, seeing her, Jonathan, Joyce and Hopper. Uh oh.

As soon as Hopper saw me, he walked up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. “You and I are gonna have a little talk when this is all over.”

At Nancy’s last attempt at getting Mike to answer the walkie talkie, Hopper walked over to her and took the device from her hand, putting the mouthpiece up to his mouth saying, “Listen, kid, this is the Chief. If you’re there, pick up. We know you’re in trouble and we know about the girl. We can protect you, we can help you, but you gotta pick up.”

I took the device from him, speaking into it, “Dustin! You know I’m never on these things unless it’s an emergency. So, please, one of you, for love of all that’s good in this world, pick up the damn walkie. Do you copy? Over.” I set the device down on a dresser near me, asking the group, “Anyone got any other brilliant ideas?”

“Yeah,” Mike said through the device. “Yeah, I copy. It’s Mike. I’m here. We’re here.”

“Oh, thank god,” I breathed.

~~~

“I don’t feel good about this,” I voiced. “I don’t feel good about this!”

“Hopper’s going to get them,” Joyce said. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Hopper made me stay at the Byers’ house while he went and saved the kids. I protested and told him that I wanted to go with him to get my brother, but he quickly walked outside and left.

I got up and started pacing after Joyce rubbed my back for a moment. At the sight of lights in my periphery, I looked out the window, seeing the car back outside. The four of us, Joyce, Jonathan, Nancy and myself, all ran outside, Nance and I saying our brothers names, and running to give them hugs.

“I was so freaking worried about you,” I said into Dustin’s hat. 

“Yeah,” he replied. “Me, too.” He turned his head over his shoulder for a second before turning back to look at me. “Look who we have.”

I looked in the direction he turned his head again, seeing Eleven. Smiling, I let go of Dustin to go to El, the small girl sharing a smile. Immediately, I engulfed her in a hug. We let go of each other when Nancy asked, “Is that my dress?”

I moved out of the way so that Nancy could get a better look at Eleven. Moving back over to Dustin, I put my arm around his shoulder, guiding him into the house.

~~~

Once we were all inside, Mike took it upon himself to explain the flea and the acrobat scenario to Joyce, Jonathan and Nancy. I think Hopper was listening, but I really didn’t know. All I did know was that I could feel his eyes stabbing daggers into the side of my face.

I looked at him and gave him that what? look. He pointed at me and said, “We’ll talk later.” He turned his attention to the boys, asking, “Is this gate underground?”

“Yes,” came Eleven’s soft voice.

“Near a large water tank?”

Eleven nodded and said, “Yes,” before looking down a little. I moved closer to her, putting my arm around her shoulders.

“H-how’d you know all that?” Dustin asked.

After a moment, Mike said, “He’s seen it.”

“Is there any way that you could… that you could reach Will?” Joyce asked. “That you could talk to him in this–”

“The Upside Down,” Eleven and I answered.

Joyce whisper-repeated our words, Eleven nodding in confirmation. 

“And my friend, Barbra?” Nancy asked. “Can you find her, too?”

Five minutes later saw all of us standing or sitting at the dining/kitchen table, Barb’s picture and Will’s walkie talkie on the table, Eleven sitting in front of it. Static came from the walkie talkie, El’s eyes closed, moving side to side behind her eyelids.

The lights flickered before the static went down on the walkie. El opened her eyes, looking in Nancy’s direction, a look of sadness crossing her features as she said, “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Joyce asked. “Wh-what’s wrong? What happened?”

Voice breaking, El replied, “I can’t find them.”

“Aw, sweetie,” I said, moving to kneel beside her. “It’s okay.”

She moved her seat back, quickly making her way through the hallway to find the bathroom. I heard the tap running before Dustin and the boys started talking.

“Whenever she uses her powers, she gets weak,” Mike said.

“The more energy she uses, the more tired she gets,” Dustin added.

“Like, she flipped the van earlier,” Lucas added.

“I’m sorry,” I said, eyebrows shooting into my hairline. “She what?”

“It was awesome,” Dustin said, smiling.

“But she’s drained,” Mike added.

“Like a… bad battery.”

“Well…” Joyce said. “H-how do we make her better?”

“We don’t,” Mike said. “We just have to wait and try again.”

After a moment, Nancy said, “Well, how long?”

“Nance,” I said, softly.

“I don’t know,” Mike answered.

Eleven’s quiet voice came from behind us as she said, “The bath.”

Joyce turned around to look at her, asking “What?”

Jonathan turned to look at her as well as everyone else as Eleven continued, “I can find them. In the bath.”

We all discussed how we were gonna make a bath big enough for how big Eleven was talking. Dustin decided he needed to call his favorite teacher to get the answer to the question we were all wondering; how to build a sensory deprivation tank. It was quiet on our end of the line before Dustin said, “Fun,” and almost made me bust out laughing.

Again, silence before Dustin said, “You always say you should never stop being curious. To always open any curiosity door we find. Why are you keeping this curiosity door locked?”

He sat down with a notepad and a pencil, writing down everything Mr. Clarke was telling him. “How much? Yep, alright. Yeah, we’ll be careful. I’ll see you on Monday, Mr. Clarke.” After hanging up the phone, he pointed to Joyce with the end of his pencil, asking her, “Do you still have that kiddie pool we bobbed for apples in?”

“Yeah, I think so,” she answered.

“Good. Then we need salt. Lots of it.”

“How much is lots?” Hopper and I asked.

Dustin looked at the notepad before looking up at Hopper. “1,500 pounds.”

“Where are we gonna get that much salt?” Nancy asked.

“The Middle School,” I answered. At that, we piled up into Hopper’s truck and Joyce’s car, making our way to the middle school.

~~~

After we made it to the middle school, we all hopped out and got to work doing our respective jobs. I was on water hose duty with the Wheeler’s.

Once Nancy broke the lock with a big ass rock after Mike tried to shove his way in like in the movies, the three of us went inside the little building and got the hoses. 

As we were walking back, Nancy decided to ask, “What does she even eat?”

“What?” Mike asked.

“Eleven.”

“Oh. Candy, leftovers, Eggo’s… she really likes Eggo’s.”

“I like Eggo’s,” I voiced, softly.

“I knew you were acting weird, I just… I thought it was because of Will,” Nancy said to Mike.

“I knew you were acting weird, too. I thought it was because of Steve,” Mike replied.

“Hey..” Nancy said, putting the wheelbarrow down. “No more secrets, okay?”

I kept walking, not really wanting to be a part of this conversation, but knowing I had to because the moment Nancy realized I was gone, she said my name, telling me that what she said also applied to me.

“From now on we tell each other everything.”

“Okay,” Mike and I said. “Do you like Jonathan now?”

“What? No. No, it’s… it’s not… it’s not like that.”

“That must be your phrase of the day,” I muttered.

Looking at Mike, Nancy asked, “Do you like Eleven?”

“What? No. Ew. Gross,” Mike said. 11 year olds. Insert eyeroll here. 

They both looked at me and asked, “Do you like Steve?”

“Aaaand this is where I walk away because that’s the most ridiculous question I’ve ever heard,” I said, turning around and walking back towards the gym. After I dropped the water hose off, I went in search of Eleven and Joyce, not having seen them when I entered.

Searching for them in the classrooms, I found them in a Science Room, Eleven’s hands clasped in Joyce’s. I walked in as soon as Joyce said, “I am going to be there with you the whole time.”

“And so will I,” I said, moving to squat beside Eleven.

“And if it ever gets too scary… in-in that place, you just let us know, okay?”

“Yes,” Eleven said, softly.

I placed my hand on her back at the sad look on her face. “Ready?”

She looked at me, breathing trembling before she answered, “Ready.” When we got back to the gym, everything was set up. Eleven took off her shoes and socks, and Mike’s watch, putting on the duct tape covered goggles Joyce had made.

Joyce and Hopper helped Eleven get into the pool, or bathtub, before she walked a few feet to the middle where she sat down and then began to float.

I was kneeling beside Dustin, watching her as the lights immediately started to flicker before shutting off entirely. I’m not sure how much time had passed before Eleven said Barbra’s name. She started breathing heavily, the lights once again flickering for a second before shutting off again.

“What’s going on?” Nancy asked.

“I don’t know,” Mike answered.

Looking back at Eleven after having looked around, Nancy asked, “Is Barb okay? Is she okay?”

As if she were trying not to cry, Eleven answered, “Gone. Gone. Gone.”

Nancy started crying at the loss of her best friend. I felt bad for her, at losing someone that was so close to her.

Eleven kept repeating the word gone as Joyce and I both told her that it was okay, both of holding each of her hands and arms.  She started to gasp, Joyce telling her, “It’s okay. We’re right here. We’re right here, honey. It’s okay. We got you.”

The grip Eleven had on my arm was one of grounding. I guess she was making sure that I wasn’t going anywhere, and I’m sure it was the same way for Joyce. 

“Don’t be afraid,” I said, calmly. “We’re right here with you, sweetie.”

“It’s okay,” Joyce added. “You’re safe. You’re okay, honey.”

Eleven’s grip on our arms loosened, her arms going back into the water to continue floating on her own.

Joyce and I stayed close to the edge of the pool to be close enough to her if she needed us again. I was still close enough to Dustin if he needed me, as well.

“Castle Byers,” Eleven said.

I immediately looked between Joyce and Jonathan, knowing exactly what Eleven was talking about. A little shack/fort in the woods not far from the Byers home that Jonathan and Will built not too long ago. It was counted as Will’s safe space since he had decorated it to fit his needs.

A few more seconds went by before Eleven said the name that made Joyce gasp. “Will?”

“You tell him… tell him I’m coming,” Joyce asked of Eleven. “Mom is coming.”

Tears immediately welled in my eyes at Will’s sweet voice coming through the walkie talkie. “Hurry.”

“Okay. Listen, you tell him to… to stay where he is. We’re coming. We’re coming, okay? We’re coming, honey.”

We all could hear Eleven through the radio, whimpering before she quickly sat up, taking off the goggles. She quickly backed up to Joyce as I put my arms around Dustin, not wanting to ever let him go again.

Joyce kept reassuring the young girl that she was okay and that she had her. Eleven started crying once Joyce told her that she did so good. 

I stuck my hand in the water, a tear streaming down my cheek as I told her, “You were so brave. I’m so proud of you.”

She looked at me, her eyes telling me that she was exhausted, but thankful.

A few minutes later, we got her out and started to gently dry her off before putting her socks back on her. We wrapped the towel around her and had her sit on the bleachers with Mike, Dustin and Lucas, her head on Mike’s shoulder.

I was standing with Hopper, Joyce and Jonathan as Hopper asked, “So this fort. Where is it?” as he put on his jacket, his hat already on his head.

“It’s in the woods behind our house,” Joyce said.

“Yeah, he used to go there to hide,” Jonathan added.

Hopper walked off, Joyce grabbing my hand to follow her and Jonathan. All of us walked outside when Hopper turned around, pointing to the door and saying, “Hey, go back inside.”

“What– are you insane?” Joyce asked, her hand still holding mine. “No, I’m–”

“Look, if something happens to me, I don’t make it back–” Hopper said.

“Yeah, but then I go, you stay. Are you kidding me? He’s my son, Hop. My son. I’m going!” She turned to Jonathan, letting go of my hand, telling him that he needed to stay here.

I looked at Hopper as he was looking at the ground. To relieve the tension I felt in the air, I leaned forward just a little bit and asked, “Since she called you Hop, does that mean that I–”

“Don’t push it,” Hopper said. He went to the driver’s side of his truck, opening the door and shouting Joyce’s name.

Jonathan was protesting his mom’s directions, but when she told him that she’d find Will, she backed up a little as Hopper was basically telling her that it was time to go. Joyce turned to face me, giving me a quick but tight hug as she repeated her words to me.

Jonathan and I watched as they backed out and drove off, standing there for a moment. From my periphery, he turned his head to face me then back in the direction Hopper’s truck went. “We’re not gonna stay here, are we?”

“Have you known me to stay put?” I asked.

We walked back inside and saw Nancy sitting on the wall across from the door. Walking over to her, I couldn’t help but feel awful at the thought of her grieving over her best friend. Jonthan sat down next to her as I sat across from them, sitting with my legs crossed.

All I could do was look at Nancy, sighing softly before saying, “I’m so sorry, Nance.”

“We have to go back to the station,” she said, directing it at Jonathan.

“What?” Jonathan asked.

“Your mom and Hopper are just walking in there like bait. That thing is still in there.”

“What thing?” I asked.

“The monster. The one in the picture with Barb.”

“The Demogorgon?”

“We can’t just sit here and let it get them, too. We can’t.”

After a moment, Jonathan asked, “You still wanna try it out?”

“Can I throw my suggestion in there somewhere?” I asked.

“I wanna finish what we started,” Nancy said, looking in Jonathan’s direction. He looked at her before they both looked at me.

I shrugged before saying, “Let’s kill the son of a bitch.”

~~~

Nancy, Jonathan and I all went to the station. There was only one guard working and he never paid attention to anything. So, I led the way into the Hopper’s office where they stashed their monster hunting equipment.

“How are you so comfortable here?” Nancy asked.

“Trust me, I’m not,” I said, walking towards the table. “I’m just used to being here.”

“What about that officer?”

“If he saw me, he probably thought to himself, she's here again? or she’s here to see the Chief.”

“Why have you been here so much?”

I sighed and turned to her, monster hunting box in hand. “My two best friends left me, so I did some questionable things; stealing, breaking and entering, being out past curfew, not leaving a cop busted party.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, softly, after a moment.

“It’s okay, Nance. Now, let’s go kill this son of a bitch.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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season masterlist

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~~~

A/N 2:  hi, friends! i have no excuse why this late. i really don't. but, please do not hesitate to reblog and give some feedback, whether it be in the reblogs, comments, or my inbox.

Additional Note: there's kind of a deleted scene in this episode where hop and liv talk. if y'all are interested, i can write that scene for you!! also, i know that some of y’all are waiting to see your requests, and i promise i’ll get to them. the writer’s block hit really bad with them. atb is the only thing i have motivation to post for at the moment.

~~~

Forever / Everything Taglist: @stiles-o-dylan24​​ @stixnstripesworld​ @fandom-princess-forevermore​​​ @quanticobae​​​ @mischiefandi​​​ @kellyashcroft @lauren-novak​​​​

Steve Harrington Taglist: @madaboutjoe

If you’re tagged and didn’t want to be, please let me know.

~~~

*Please don’t post my writing anywhere else without my consent. The author of this work will always and forever be @harringtonstilinski​.

All characters, story lines, and plot aside from y/n and her storyline & plot, are all of the work of The Duffer Brothers.

*These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited.

No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher.

Posted on December 19, 2023

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

ghostbur for the bingo :)

YAYYYY GHOSTBUR!!! :D

I have cried over Ghostbur. I have cried. This probably doesn’t sound like much, but I personally hardly ever cry. It is a Momentous Occasion if I shed a tear—which I have done for my love Ghostbur <3 His story is so unbearably tragic and sad and much of it fills me with anger, and just… he really makes me Feel Things. A lot of things.

At this point I sorta wish Ghostbur was my OC 😭 Because then I could give him a canon happy ending that does not involve Limbo or merging with Wilbur. Like. I dislike Both of those things with quite a passion. I want Ghostbur to be mine I want to give him canon soft blankets and canon soup and canon hugs with Friend and canon happiness & healing :( I also get very easily upset over Ghostbur takes that I don’t like, or when I see people mischaracterizing him, and I just feel so protective lol EVEN THOUGH I know he’s not my character! He is simply… so special and dear and beloved to me. I want to protect him :(

Literally my Ghostbur playlist is like 30 hours long okay I am not even joking. If I listen to a song, there is a High chance that I associate it with Ghostbur—a high chance!!! And this isn’t just with music either; I see sweaters, I see blue flowers, I see sheep, I see red hats, I see many many things, and I think of Him <33 My obsession over this little guy is Boundless and I could probably make anything about Ghostbur if I were to think about it enough. I’m half-convinced that every single AJR song could fit Ghostbur.

IF GHOSTBUR WAS REAL- 😭 IF. IF HE WAS REAL! I WOULD WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH HIM SOOOOO BAD!! I WOULD WANNA HUG HIM!! I WOULD WANNA LISTEN TO HIM RAMBLE!! I WOULD WANNA LISTEN TO HIS BEAUTIFUL STRANGE THOUGHTS!! I WOULD WANNA TALK TO HIM!! I WOULD WANNA GO ON WALKS WITH HIM!! I WOULD WANNA HEAR HIM SING!! I WOULD WANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! I seriously want to be friends with him so very badly. I am not joking about this.

I really don’t project onto characters that much, but oh. Ghostbur 😭 He’s already an extremely relatable guy to me (a rarity, I hardly ever find characters I relate to) and he’s also become very important & special to me, and I’ve… really accidentally found myself projecting 😅 I did not mean to do this!!! What do you mean he sneezes when he looks at the sun. What do you mean. I didn’t do that. That’s how he came in the box. I’m telling you. Believe me.

His yellow sweater is soooooo <3 I have been wanting to find and buy a yellow sweater that looks like his but I CAN’T FIND A GOOD ONE!!! MISERY!!!

*clings to the one-and-a-half Ghostbur streams that we ever got* Aksgajsgajsgjafs I know he showed up in a lot of other streams, but we didn’t really get much Ghostbur-centric content. A few good things, a few important things, but mostly he was there to talk to others/be friends with others/etc. I wish we could’ve gotten a few more streams because I want to see what his facial expressions were :((

Oooooh boy, snazzy indeed. Yes.

Ghostbur has an entire section of my brain all to himself lol, that’s what it feels like XD I have Other Parts Of My Brain and then I have Ghostbur. He lives there now. He does not pay rent but I don’t care because I’m happy to have him <3 I love this man.

*points* BEAN!!! He is soooo sweet and adorable I just <333

I cannot even tell you how many awful rancid Ghostbur takes I have seen 😭😭 Like… oh they make me angry. They fill me with so much rage. I will rant about these things. Likeeeee it’s super rare for me to find a Ghostbur fan who actually gets his character; most Ghostbur enjoyers have really strange, incorrect ideas about him. It makes me upset :(

HUGS!!! HUGS!!! GIVE THE MAN HUGS!!! LET HIM HUG HIS SHEEP AND BE LOVED!!!!!!

I have so much Ghostbur Knowledge stored away oh my goodness!! <3 I could go on and on for hours about this man, he Does something to me that cannot be contained. I love Ghostbur.

HE REALLY FREAKING FILLS ME WITH THINGS HE MAKES ME FEEL A LOT OF EMOTIONS HE IS SO BRILLIANT AND BEAUTIFUL I JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

But oh my gosh he got so much crap in his canon story and with the fandom oh my gosh. And his ending??! Please. I hate his ending with my whole being it makes me so genuinely upset and I hate it. Very AAAAAAAAH y’know.

[writer-freak]

Comfort after losing a pet

Characters: Steve Harrington, Nancy Wheeler, Eddie Munson and Robin Buckley

Warnings: Obviously talk about losing an animal, gn reader, in general just some thoughts about the characters comforting you, haven't proof read it and it's maybe not that organized

A/n: So I recently lost another cat of mine unexpectedly and this was just something that I wrote down for myself but why not post it for you guys as well. Also for Halloween I'm planning to post my Dead by Daylight drafts and maybe write a little Halloween fic but we'll see

Comments, likes and reblogs are always appreciated and really motivate me to write more 🖤

Steve Harrington:

Steve immediately notices that something is off with you he's very perceptive especially when it's about you 

He offers a listening ear, but not in a pushy way he knows when to give you space and when to be there for you.

He will bring you ice cream and I mean lots of it. 

Steve believes that ice cream can help with almost anything, and he will bring you so much of it.

He shares stories about his own childhood pets and the goofy things they did. It's a way to make you smile and remember the good times.

Steve is surprisingly good at comforting words, even if he doesn't always show it.

He tells you that it's okay to grieve and that you can take as much time as you need. 

Even if someone thinks that you are grieving too much over an animal, he will always tell you that your feelings are valid

Nancy Wheeler:

Nancy is incredibly empathetic, and she can sense your sadness from a mile away.

She's been through her fair share of tough times, so she knows that sometimes you just need someone to be there for you.

Nancy suggests taking a walk in the park or a quiet place where you can talk just the two of you

She shares her own experiences with grief, and how it took time to heal, but the past memories will always be something to cherish

In general Nancy's presence is just very calming and she will be next to you no matter if you're crying, or just in need of comfort

Eddie Munson:

Eddie is practical and caring, so he immediately notices your sadness and wants to help.

He makes you a hot drink for comfort and even brings you his favorite blanket, to help you feel cozy and secure.

Eddie knows that talking about your pet can be painful, but says that you could try and tell him about the good memories that you made.

He's a great listener and offers a lot of reassurance 

He reminds you that it's normal to feel bad about something like this and he will always tell you that your pet knew how loved it was

He will try anything to just comfort you even if he knows you won't feel better immediately he just wants to try and not let you drown in your grieve 

Robin Buckley:

Robin just knows how to make you feel understood no matter the situation

She shows up with a playlist of your favorite songs and suggests that you just hang out together, no pressure to talk.

Robin might bring over some art supplies, knowing that creating something can be therapeutic.

She would suggest maybe making a collage of your pet together just trying to bring something positive

She is just easy to be around and with her, you don't feel like you have to talk if you are not ready for it

She just makes you feel understood and tries to get your mind somewhere outside of your grief

Divider by : animatedglittergraphics-n-more

[what-gs-watching]

If you wanna break my cold, cold heart...

It’s become very clear to me that I’m extremely lost in The Tortured Poet’s Department which I absolutely expected and it’s no fucking wonder my two hyperfixations are colliding. Because after ugly crying through it the first few handful of times about my own life, I’m now just telegraphing that emotion onto a tv character, which is super healthy. 

Seriously though,  is anyone else imagining Crowley somehow becoming obsessed with this album  while he’s still trying to work through Aziraphale fucking off back to heaven?! Baby girl full on alternately sobbing and manically laughing  in the back of the Bentley while Taylor Swift makes him feel hella seen? Compiling his own playlist of the tracks that just strip him raw?

Which, in my mind, have got to be - 

“Down Bad”

For a moment I knew cosmic love�� / Now I’m down bad, crying at the gym / Everything comes out teenage petulance / Fuck it if I can’t have him. / I might just die, it would make no difference. / Down bad waking up in blood / Staring at the sky, come back and pick me up / Fuck it if I can’t have us / I might not just get up, I might stay down bad…

Obvi the go-to track when he just wants to wallow in it. Just like drowning his sorrows in that pub after the angel was discorporated during the first Armageddon, ‘fuck it if I can’t have us’. Hard Crowley vibes.

“My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”

There was a litany of reasons why / We could've played for keeps this time / I know I'm just repeating myself / Put me back on my shelf / But first - pull the string / And I'll tell you that he runs / Because he loves me. / Cause you should've seen him / When he first saw me…

My boy only breaks his favorite toys / I'm queen of sand castles he destroys / Cause I knew too much / There was danger in the heat of my touch / He saw forever so he smashed it up / Oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys

I feel like this is their entire relationship; Aziraphale keeps him at arm’s length because it’s fucking dangerous but Crowley gets destroyed everytime.  ‘He runs because he loves me’ - what a devastating thought. They both do, gang, and that’s so sad.

“So Long London”

And you say I abandoned the ship / But I was going down with it / My white knuckle dying grip / Holding tight to your quiet resentment and / My friends said it isn't right to be scared / Every day of a love affair / Every breath feels like rarest air / When you're not sure if he wants to be there

So how much sad did you think I had / Did you think I had in me? / How much tragedy? / Just how low did you think I'd go? / Before I'd self-implode / Before I'd have to go be free

This one has gotta be for those times that he’s ready to fight back a little bit, and feels pissed about how much he tried to keep their shit together. Aziraphale thinks he gave up, he thinks Aziraphale gave up, and sometimes he thinks about fucking off from London too. But he won’t. Hopefully?

“Guilty As Sin?”

What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh / Only in my mind? / One slip and falling back into the hedge maze / Oh what a way to die / I keep recalling things we never did / Messy top lip kiss / How I long for our trysts / Without ever touching his skin / How can I be guilty as sin?

These fatal fantasies / Giving way to labored breath / Taking all of me / We've already done it in my head / If it's make believe / Why does it feel like a vow / We'll both uphold somehow?

What if I roll the stone away? / They're gonna crucify me anyway / What if the way you hold me / Is actually what's holy? / If long suffering propriety / Is what they want from me / They don't know how you've haunted me / So stunningly / I choose you and me … Religiously

Baby needs a song about longing. 6,000 years of longing. And uncertainty about whatever they are.  This one screaaaams Crowley’s questions about the group of the two of them. It’s so painful. Also, you know, the whole ‘sin’ thing. They spent so much time never touching, but y’all know Crowley feels that guilt anyway. Oof. 

ALSO, you know Aziraphale would be wrecked by this one too. I feel like the worst part about the two of them is they're both suffering the same thing, in agonizingly similar ways. They're both carrying that horrible guilt. It's gutwrenching.

“loml”

Oh, what a valiant roar / What a bland goodbye / The coward claimed he was a lion / I'm combing through the braids of lies / "I'll never leave" … / "Never mind" / Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire / Your arson's match your somber eyes / And I'll still see it until I die / You're the loss of my life

More sadness about Aziraphale’s departure. What a shit way to end things, what a cowardly path he took (in Crowley’s mind) after poor Crowley tried his absolute-fuckin’-best to put his heart on the line. Definitely 'the loss of my life.'

“The Black Dog”

Old habits die screaming / I move through the world with the heartbroken / My longings stay unspoken / And I may never open up the way I did for you / And all of those best laid plans / You said I needed a brave man / Then proceeded to play him / Until I believed it too / And it kills me / I just don't understand

Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes / And hire a priest to come and exorcize my demons / Even if I die screaming / And I hope you hear it

This one is definitely for those times when Crowley wants to scour Aziraphale from his existence but yo, a habit built over literally ALL OF TIME isn’t going to die just screaming. If it can even die at all. 

“Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus”

You said some things that I can't unabsorb / You turned me into an idea of sorts / You needed me, but you needed drugs more / And I couldn't watch it happen / I changed into goddesses, villains, and fools / Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules / All to outrun my desertion of you / And you just watched it

If you wanna break my cold, cold heart / Just say, "I loved you the way that you were" / If you wanna tear my world apart / Just say you've always wondered

Ya know our boy has guilt over letting Aziraphale go where he absolutely could not follow, and I feel like he’d probably spend a bunch of time trying to change a ton of things in his life  just to avoid ‘the desertion of you’ but yooo, what cuts right to the core is ‘I love you the way that you were.’  All this poor demon wanted to hear, wants to hear. 

“How Did it End?”

​​We were blind to unforeseen circumstances / We learn the right steps to different dances / And fell victim to interlopers' glances / Lost the game of chance, what are the chances?

It's happenin' again / How did it end? / I can't pretend like I understand / How did it end?

Definitely another one for wallowing. Have I found myself screeching out ‘how did it end?!’ everytime it comes up? Yes. And I feel like a drunk Crowley would too. ‘It’s happening again’ would definitely hit home to him, how many times have they been through this? 

“The Prophecy”

But I looked to the sky and said / Please / I've been on my knees / Change the prophecy / Don't want money / Just someone who wants my company / Let it once be me / Who do I have to speak to / About if they can redo / The prophecy?

I'm so afraid I sealed my fate / No sign of soulmates / I'm just a paperweight / In shades of greige / Spending my last coin so someone will tell me / It'll be ok / Please

At some point it’s likely he figures out all of this was definitely always going to happen, right? Little snake has always been at the whims of the inevitable (ineffable), and all he ever tried to do was make his own choices but he’s stuck in circumstances he absolutely cannot change. This one is all about pleading. Bargaining phase, you know. But ‘just someone who wants my company’ absolutely kills me. Somebody tell this demon it’ll be okay.

And so yeah I’m imagining the Thin Dark Duke is just playing ALL of those on repeat forever, until he finally gets to this place: 

“Imgonnagetyouback”

Whether I'm gonna be your wife or / Gonna smash up your bike, I / Haven't decided yet / But I'm gonna get you back

I  hear the whispers in your eyes / I'll make you wanna think twice / You'll find that you were never not mine / You're mine

Bygones will be bygone eras fadin' into gray / We broke all the pieces but still want to play the game / Told my friends, "I hate you but I love you just the same" / Pick your poison, babe / I'm poison either way

Because you know it’s SO Crowley to be absolutely fucking furious at the end of it all, but resolved to get Aziraphale back under any circumstances. I love him running around with the energy of ‘Whether I'm gonna curse you out or take you back to my house, I haven't decided yet’ but he IS resolute in seeing his stupid angel again. This is as positive as he’s gonna get, and I love that for him. 

Did I spend way too much time writing this out for absolutely no reason? Yes. But gang, I have to believe Taylor Swift can reach anyone, even ethereal entities. Joiiiiin the Tortured Poet’s Department, Crowley, you know you want to…

[notasapleasure]

Stupidly long playlist to go with the stupidly long fic. In short, it follows a kind of meandering path from Icelandic youth to swaggering mercenary behaviour on the continent, to service in the Varangian guard in Constantinople. It is very much in an order I chose, and should be listened to in order. I designed it to have them coming closer together and parting ways at various points, and it follows a very rough outline I have for three 'books'' worth of adventures.

Bit more info about each track under the cut, but basically it's Weird FolkTM, Icelandic rock, a smattering of prog, and some entirely self-indulgent pop picks.

Sumer is icumen in - you may know from Wicker Man soundtrack? Everyone's go to creepy folk song because it's one of the oldest. Included because of cuckoo theme. Kólbítur - Icelandic term for 'coal-biter', a character type in medieval stories and folk tales. Usually a lazy boy who rolls around in the hearth ashes as a child getting in the way of the women. After some trauma he is usually revealed to be a great hero, who just needed a bit of goading on. Vísur Vatnsenda-Rósu well known Icelandic ballad, full of longing and intertwined personhood: 'mine was yours and yours was mine'. Nitlayokoya - kind of a spoiler for the fic, but Cassian isn't actually a 'skraeling' (Norse name for the American peoples encountered around Newfoundland), he's from...way further south. This song has the same title as poem by Nezahualcoyotl, meaning 'I am Sad', though this wasn't composed until the fifteenth century. Get Out of My House is based on The Shining, so there's the link to Native American land, and there's shapeshifting in the song too. Seems a good angry bb Cassian song. Filthy Game a stranger and a good man gets drawn into the locals' 'filthy game'. The Devil & the Huntsman mainly for the Sam Lee, but also a rollicking banger from the King Arthur soundtrack. Vibes. The Dark general foreshadowing and vibes. Don't Say No - there's a lot of Patrick Wolf on there, this is early Patrick Wolf urging us to run with our instincts :)) and teeth. Shapeshifter there's also a lot of Richard Dawson in various iterations on here because he does Weird Folk like no one else. Shapeshifter so impressive he's even handing out potatos pre-Colombian exchange. Pagan Poetry best fucked up Björk song everrrr. 'He makes me want to hurt myself'. To Try for the Sun just boys being lads, sharing coats and hanging out on the streets, nothing to see here. Teardrop this is how you do a cover. Theseus 'A black sail billows, the sun hits your blade / And you are hungry, you are hungry for you'. Jolly Bold Robber I love the way Nic Jones sings this. A 'jolly bold robber' attacks a young sailor who's just come ashore with his earnings and they fight - moral is don't fight a desperate sailor who wants to spend his shore leave well. But the way Nic Jones sings 'like lambkins they've stripped' sure is something. And the apology in the sailor's voice for killing his attacker. Feels very Cassian. Two Brothers - any folksong 'and they were brothers' me: 'what if they were ""brothers""?' Here with wrestling matches, bruised egos, pocket-knife stabbings and regret. The Best Excuse in the World I remember seeing this live and David Rotheray explained it as being about a gay man realising he has 'the best excuse in the world' for not loving his wife, but the way Jim Causley sings it erases any of the triteness of that, it's gorgeous. Go Your Way classic 'I love you so much I'm letting you go' folk song. Nonantzin another Nezahualcoyotl poem, this one asking mother to cry for her child when he dies. Crown Shyness is just one of my Brassian songs. Growing up together but not quite being brave enough to reach out to each other. Raincatchers ditto, also shut up I love it.

We used to be the raincatchers And we couldn't see what we were running from You made me feel like Nothing really matters Here in my dreams, we're raincatchers Come back to me like it was before You made me feel like Nothing really matters, nothing really matters If we let this run Caught on a river Everything that we left unspoken Will never be said Revenge of the Bear instrumental, for the title mainly. Who could it refer to, you ask? Animalia whaaaat it's from the soundtrack to my favourite film, also fucked up love and animal imagery. Daring Highwayman getting into the Norwegian/continental mercenary/troublemaking part of their careers now, Cassian definitely makes robery seem cool. Hare Spell he also makes shapeshifting seem cool. Because it is. Stendur æva is about nine minutes long but it's essential I'm afraid. Played on a glockenspiel made from Icelandic rock, I usually LOATHE your man from Sigur Rós and his squeaky voice, but he sort of sounds like a seagull in this, and it features the then head of the Icelandic folk singing club, who has a lovely voice. It's all bullshit medievalism about 'Odin magic' but it sounds fucking amazing. VIBES I SAY. Trøllabundin this is tumblr, you all know about Eivør Pálsdóttir here, right? Ogre more Richard Dawson! But this time the community is not so happy with the outsider figure on its edges. Twa Corbies is a pan-European folk song with pretty old roots. Pov: you are a corvid observing the body of a dead knight. Villon Song high medieval roots for this poem about all the cool things you can do to break the law. Bwganod Richard Dawson AND FRIENDS this time. The title is Welsh for 'scarecrow', which doesn't really have any bearing on things, but the following lines are just relevant, ok Always jokey-woking ‘Til the shit hits the fan Spray my face in fertiliser Grow a mos-toosh Hairy pits Super fit Built like a brick shit Wearing leopard-print Fishnet underpants

I’m on the run, Barely began Gathering sun, but I’ll take my time I’m overrun The damage is done Everyone’s gonna sink into the slime Hellismanna kvæði for the 1990s girl rock!! Also it's an outlaw song. Strákarnir á Borginni means 'the boys on the town' and is a camp tango about the hypocrisy of 1980s homophobic farmers in Iceland. I've posted it here before, it's iconique. Fin Cop a more tragic outlaw song. Nobody loves a troll. Escape oh just for the Vibes, because Plunkett & Macleane has the energy I want my outlaw saga to have. The Night Safari much more recent Patrick Wolf about love not being enough to stop self-destructive tendencies. Also shapeshifters. Excuse me While I shift shape The ocelot Slips the bowline knot But soon falls to prey As a boy I worshipеd the thunder Now it's just a sky under I wait for to fall No why only whеn Still Too Soon to Know yes yes blorbo got on the playlist. Pleasingly few pronouns in this. After all they've been through, surely Brasso would know? Á Sprengisandi is a jolly Icelandic folk song about riding across the highland interior on the main path. There's unclean spirits! Outlaws! Elves! All those fun guys. Ten Thousand Miles just another nice travelling song :)) Oh come ye back My own true love And stay a while with me If I had a friend On this Earth You've been a friend to me Dodona more recent Patrick Wolf going through it. Night Ride Across the Caucasus I'm not sure yet precisely what route they'll be taking by this stage but you've gotta have some Loreena on a medievalish playlist. Anyone But Me what pining would be complete without some jealous misunderstandings? This is such a sinister and sexy song of obsession and it's a fave. Ivy to go with the general move towards the cradle of ancient civilisationTM this is more Richard Dawson (and DIFFERENT friends, these ones Finnish metalheads) this time telling Dionysus's story. Hey Matt if you can take me at my best you can take me at my Darren Hayes-est, gay angstiest: Hey Matt The water carried all my secrets Sifting through the muck I saw my dirty little grievances And the memories I killed All the shameful feelings spilled Lay bare on the asphalt Broken parts I thought I'd drowned real good Oops! I Did it Again it's a Cassian song, ok? Nikitoa last of the songs with a title matching a poem by Nezahualcoyotl, this one about the transience of all things :)) Móðir mín í kví kví what if we made this lullaby into a girl screamo track? Vibes, I say again. Feet of Clay more on the topic of not being able to make a move despite wanting to. Whispering Light the version with Willy Mason. Distance, mark of distance Your burden is your brilliance There's a vessel A hiddеn vessel in the stonе Difference, not indifference Your passion marks you different And you wrestle And how you'll wrestle to come to know The Gates of Istanbul more Loreena! Constantinople, but, well, I don't need to quote They Might Be Giants. Shim El Yasmine It might not be Istanbul but let's get some Arabic language angst about leaving your boyfriend behind in anyway. Last Polar Bear it's about the long overdue proliferation of contemporary queer folk singers actually. Also bears. From the north. Make you think of anyone? The Moon Shone on my Bed Last Night sneaking some more Sam Lee in for the 'muckle ballad' about being with your lad no matter what. Stál og hnífur this is what happens when you leave the pronouns out, Bubbi! Steel and knife is my symbol, the symbol of travelling workers. Yours was mine and mine was yours while I lived among men. Fire Light soothing. Good vibes. Hopefuly. Probably a happy ending, through I'm a long way from knowing how I'll achieve it yet. What is the medieval equivalent of a Death Star? Over Again haha is it all a flat circle? Or once free to be together to they just go out robbing and causing trouble again? :)

[aromanticgarbage]

Hi!!! What do you honestly like about our boy Joji? What got you into him? Favorite song? Favorite quote from him?? Cool blog BTW. ❤️

Hiiiii <33333

Putting this under a read more because it got long af.

God i think part of the reason why im so obsessed with him is the duality of his character and artistic expression. He used to describe himself as conflicted a lot, especially in his earlier interviews and that pretty much hits the nail in the head i think. I love both his music and filthy frank a lot but I wouldn't be so fascinated with the person behind either of these things if they weren't made by the same guy. I just think he is a fascinating character.

What got me into him? I'm honestly pretty late to the party, i stumbled upon slow dancing in the dark on some random playlist at some point mid 2023. Slow dancing in the dark got famous for a reason: its so fucking good, i was playing it on a loop for weeks. Later i stumbled upon pretty boy, once again by pure chance. I was playing it on loop for a looong time as well. I hadn't even noticed that both of these songs were by the same artist at the time.

Fast forward a few months later, someone i follow here on tumblr dot com rebloged a post that expressed ops utter bafflement that filthy frank had turned his career around so dramatically and that he was a "sadboy musician now". The term slursona was thrown around. The ballads 1 album cover was included in the post and i recognised it imediatelly but i also recognised the name filthy frank.

You see, back in the day my older sister was a huge fan. She was really into this era of youtube bless her heart but ff was one of her faves. She had showed me human ramen AND hair cake back then but i was pretty young and I didn't really speak english well enough to fully understand what was going on. Nonetheless, i was morbidly fascinated but i never got into ff myself. Still i knew who he was.

Finding out that i was listening to his music a DECADE later from a random tumblr post gave me the whiplash of my fucking life. I genuinely got so scared i went and removed sditd from my character playlists and spotify liked songs lol. I let that revelation shimmer within me for a few months until one day i finally decided that i should do some research on the matter. I think i watched the slow dancing in the dark mv first and it completely blew me away. Then i watched the weeaboos video and it made me cry from laughter.

Somehow i ended up listening to his entire discography and watching Every Single filthy frank video ever made. At some point i discovered the notorious filthy frank exposes himself video and that once again blew my mind. I realised that he was the one who accidentally started the harlem shake trend back in 2013. Blew my mind. I listened to pink season ans i realised that the help song ive been seeing around since forever was a pink guy song. Blew my mind. I went home for the holidays and i talked to my other sister about my newfound obsession. Turns out she knew him from glimpses of us. Blew her mind too. Talked to my brother, he knew him from glimpses of us as well. We were all screaming about it for a few days.

This whole phase of mine started at some point in March and its only been getting worse. I don't know how we got here but im not complaining.

If i had to choose a favourite song.... sanctuary is my most listened to song of the year so far, so i probably have to go with that but also sditd, you suck Charlie, like you do, pretty boy, yukon, Mr Hollywood, no fun, demons, see you in 40, nightrider, modus (just to name a few)..... they all hold a very special place in my heart... I just love pretty much most of his songs a whole lot.

As for favourite quote im afraid I don't have a super serious answer to this question fjdksdks. "I just wanna make people sad and horny" is a strong one but also "sorry for being An Fag" and "fucking everyone smokes weed in central park...." fascinate me to no end.

Thank you so much for your questions !! <33 its always nice to have an excuse to ramble tehe.

[writingjourney]

Hi! Thank you for the new chapter of IKNBS! I just can't help but share some thoughts after reading😅 It just warms my heart! The way the reader starts to trust Sybil and feels comfortable with her.. Special respect for her character! Sybil is amazing💫 And I never cease to be moved more and more by Copias postcards and other sweet acts of his! And I love that you don't rush them and give them that golden time to just lie together and cuddle!

And after reading Copias words "Will you hold me in your arms when I get back? I can't promise to let you go." I can't get Helloween's song "Hold Me in Your Arms" out of my head💘 I hope you enjoy it if you listen, because there are heartbreaking lyrics and I associate them with your story now.. I don't know if you have a playlist for this fanfiction. Maybe I missed it, but if there is, I'll listen with pleasure!

It was also very interesting for me to read about the paintings on postcards. (I also love the quotes you use as an epilogue. They definitely include a mysterious vibe) Aaand it just so happened that I'm from Moscow... And I thought, what kind of painting would Papa choose in the AU if he visited the Tretyakov Gallery.. There is Vrubel's painting "The Demon Seated". It's so mystical, scary and alluring at the same time that I can't help but think about it in that context! ( Hah, it would be great if Ghesties from other countries share their fantasies about this, isn't it? 🙃

Sorry if this is too long and off topic.. And thank you again! Wish you all the best and kindest things 🙏🌷

you know I was having a real sad evening and your ask just made me cry haha, I swear I am normal, I just cry super easily.

Thank you so much, I know i just keep repeating myself but I'm so so grateful you are all loving this story. It means so much to me, they mean so much to me, and all the support means even more to me. The story just hit 500 kudos and 8k hits on Ao3 last night which I never thought would happen when I started writing it and I truly often don't think I deserve AT ALL. So yeah, thank you ♡

I do not have a playlist – or well, I do have one just not one that I have shared. I could definitely make a public one if there is any interest!

Thank you so much for the song rec! It's a great one and you're so so right, the lyrics hit me right in the feels when I just listened to it. It's perfect and I immediately added it to my playlist ♡

As for the art! I would absolutely love to hear more ideas for what he would have chosen for other cities. I absolutely love your choice ♡ In my mind I was thinking of sending him through Eastern Europe as well and of course the rest of the world, which no doubt he will at some point of course, just maybe not in THIS story because it was already hard enough having him gone for two weeks lol.

I really wanted to send him to Hungary since I have family from there but alas, I really needed him to go to Spain for de Goya. Since I'm German you obviously already know my own choice, though it was hard and I would have loved to send him to many more of my favorite German art museums. Alas, I had to choose.

Again, thank you so much, I appreciate it so much ♡♡

[ssoheartbreak]

Tag people you want to get to know better~

Tagged by @oneiro-nautical Milllllooooooo!! tyy for the tag <3 I love doing these c:

last song: Inkpot Gods - The Amazing Devil. Only recently found them but this one song fits one of my dnd characters so I put it on his playlist and I gotta check out more from them

favourite colour: I like to think of it as an electric purple #bf00ff and it's fun to say bfoof :3, also loving this kind of dark green #1E2A21

currently watching: DnD videos about multiclassing/and just dnd stuff in general. ALSO my friend is streaming the new Alan Wake 2game to me through discord c:

last movie/tv show: Absolute latest would be Rick and Morty (I know I know, but it's kinda fun ;n;) But recently I've been making my way through Black Clover, it's fun and 170episodes long so I'm hoping to catch back up by the time they start production back up

spicy/savoury/sweet: Spicy all day!! If i'm not crying I'm not livin!

relationship status: Vibing aka single *insert shaka hand emoji*

current obsession: Nothing quite "obsessed" with currently, but I did just recently calm down from this one anime: "Welcome to the NHK", it became like one of my top 3anime instantly. It's a little dark and super heavy, like there are sad anime that people call depressing but this was truly depressive.

And I loved it. I wish I could experience it again for the first time again. It's about a Japanese hikikomori (think shut in NEET but to the extreme) and it deals a lot with his social anxiety, depression, inability to work. It's so real and relatable and I love that it was serious but had moments/episodes for comedy.

It got me reading a lot about hikikomori which sent me on a whole deepdive of discovery. But yeah...nothing right now lmao

last thing googled: pelican spiders; because I had to see that for myself and they are just lil guys, exactly what they say they are

tagging: the usual suspects I tag ^-^ @nothing-lasts-forever27, @reasonscome-reasonsgo, @retaliatesfirst, @richvampire, @phantomkinoc13

[toast-tales]

I’d like to thank @nebbynebbu for one question they asked in particular earlier, which led to me figuring out that Nathan can play the guitar, which led me to remember that Christopher plays the piano, which led to me looking up guitar/piano duets, which led me to find the song Oh My Love by John Lennon. *sobs incoherently at my desk at work* 

[multistan-247]

AFFLICTION

Characters: Husband!Hanma × Fem!reader, Draken × Fem!reader

Tags: User discretion is advised. MDNI, hurt, heavy angst, mentions and descriptions of miscarriage, stalking, emotional abuse, vivid imagery about miscarriages, trophy wife, runaway wife, hiding, strong language, slight yandere themes, panic attacks, grabbing, mentions and descriptions of sex, regret, mentions of Emma, mentions of divorce, one-sided love, a desperate Hanma, brief moments with Kisaki, too many messy emotions in general

🏷️: @4dtk @novaresque @cosmicyeager @frogtits1 @shinsoru @lilolpotato @mightyknighty17 @animexholic @tirzamisu @cinnamonruts @tisiphoneee @a--nonymousse @sassyglassesbunny @https-amara @smoothy-ve @chibibeby @the2ndl @kuncitizen @takeomisbitch @geltears @vktoraa @no-name-jack @rinny-babe @erza-uzumaki @jhohannamae @barbiekatz @bluemoonhana @jmtherula @wakasa-uwu @angelmitsuri @bachibachibee @serenity-loves-red @etheralyonn @sakusins

Damn. This took hell lot of time ngl (╥﹏╥) It was worth it tho. I took almost three months to complete this because of all my exams and tests in between and was busy balancing my own schedule and concentrating on making myself better. I really hope y'all like it. I felt like I went overboard with the crying here and there but that is justified, afterall, after what Y/n was put through. This the last and final part btw. Enjoy! I'll link a smol playlist I made for this. Listen to it in order, music makes the reading experience way better, trust me.

| Part 1 | Part 2 |

By the time Hanma had collected his bearings, leaving the mansion in pieces as the aftermath of his shock, he notices the blue crockery set on the table, laden with food.

He's shocked.

After some examining, he realises that there was food, and lots of it, and by judging the copious number of boxes in the refrigerator, there was enough to last for one week.

He doesn't know what to feel.

Guilt eats him alive.

"What have I done?"

He asks himself, repeating the sentence like a broken record.

Hanma sinks to his knees, hands clutching at his head, as the taste of tears register to his tongue.

The only person who stayed constant for the longest time was gone.

Just like that.

Like the first flash of thunder; beautiful in its own fearful way.

The onslaught of emotions he felt at the reality of the circumstances catching upto him was overwhelming. Overwhelming as the events of the day he lost everything grip his mind.

This was the first time he was being frank with himself. The first time he let himself to feel, to kneel on the ground and finally let out the tears which needed to fall. To finally let himself feel the weight of the loss, to revel and bathe in the pain.

To let the burn of abandonment reduce him to the ground and feel what he loved to inflict upon others.

To finally let her see what was underneath the mask of indifference he'd lived under his whole life.

But the thing was, she wasn't here.

She wasn't. And by the way her voice seemed to break more and more with each word on the recording...she wouldn't ever look back.

She wouldn't.

Hanma was scared.

One of the many firsts which he was going through tonight.

Scared of losing Y/n forever. Scared that she would never come back, that she'd left for good. Scared that he'd never get to hear the gentle caress of her voice, that he'd never get to touch or perceive the mold of her body, her presence.

I deserve it, he told himself.

What surprised him the most was the fact that he wasn't angry or betrayed; it was the fact that he felt harrowing sadness embedded into his existence.

It was far from anything related to anger.

It was loneliness.

Hanma didn't have the best people around him while growing up, he knew that, but he chose to live with it.

The strongest ones always survive in the end, right?

No.

No, they didn't.

In the end, when the high of the drugs, the sex, the power and money faded, he knew he'd have nothing.

Yet, he still chose to follow the fading high of it.

Chose it over his own wife.

Chose to ignore her silent pleas and tears as she sat in a pool of blood.

And in the end, it came to bite him where it hurt the most.

His heart. One he didn't know he possessed.

I deserve it for being a bastard, he told himself, chuckling at the irony fate had arranged for him.

He deserved it.

He knew it.

He also knew that he wouldn't be able to survive without her.

So if looking for her made him bad, then so be it.

He was selfish since the very beginning.

Hanma searched high and low for a sign of his wife for three months, desperate for any lead, like a lunatic.

Three months of non-stop searching for nothing.

She was nowhere to be found.It was like she had disappeared from the surface of the earth.

Where could she be?

Where could she hide that none of his men were unable to find a tiny trace of her?

Where are you, Y/n? Where are you?

Are you happy without me, your tyrant of a husband?

Are you happy now?

Hanma doesn't register the hard kick to his chair delivered by Kisaki and sputters at the sudden movement, knocking him out of breath.

"Why you-"

He purses his lips when the chair is turned around and Kisaki proceeds to put his leg on the armrest and breathes into his face with a cold smirk.

"Listen, dickwad. Go find your wife and stop being an emotional wreck. Don't add on to our work if you can't complete it."

"You don't know anything-" his voice rises by an octave but it's cut off by his boss yet again.

"I know everything, Shuji. We've known each other for too long and you too know that I have my sources. I know about the shit you pulled, too. Even got their numbers. So stop being a fool and for fuck's sake-"

"You say that as if you'd know what I'm going through. Tetta, you don't have a semblance of the dilemma I'm going through-"

"Yes. I don't. And I don't care. It's your shit to pick up, not mine. I may not be able to understand, of course, but I do know that you haven't been fair to her. I have other men to replace you, so go."

"You talk too much for a bastard who fucks whores day and night." Hanma chortles, standing up and bumping his shoulders as he walks to the door.

"Says the one who found comfort in other women when his woman was waiting for him back home. I wouldn't go behind others if I had one of my own, Shuji. Stop being a brat and scoot."

Kisaki is gifted with the finger and proceeds to laugh at the man he'd known since middle school.

"And don't come back until you find her, grovel at her feet, beg for forgiveness and pray that she forgives you, which I doubt will happen anytime soon."

Kisaki continues, and shoots his famous wide-toothed grin.

Hanma stares at the wall for a second until he gives him a firm nod and closes the door shut.

The distant clap of thunder wakes you up from the nightmare your mind was doused in.

Your breathing threatens to seize, beginning to go back to the day you lost everything.

Scenes of red blood staining your nightgown, the putrid smell of the hospital rushes into your brain, making your knees shudder, blowing off the attempt to stand and fetch yourself a drink of water.

It hurts, says your mind.

You whimper, body shaking incessantly and draw your legs into your cold form. Silent tears run down your cheeks.

The memory of the feeling is etched into your brain, remaining unforgettable.

For a solid 15 minutes, you don't let out a single sound except for the sharp intakes of breath your lungs take in greedily.

Finally, torment settles in the back of your mind, and you find yourself going numb again. Hands and feet as cold as ice, and the tips of your ears tingle.you struggle to get up, and when you do, your soul almost leaves your body, a scream tears past your lips when on seeing a figure resting on the armchair.

Hanma Shuji.

Definitely the last person you wanted to see.

"N-no. I must be dreaming- I'm simply dreaming-"

You mumble, holding onto the side of the bed for much needed support.

"You're not."

The depth of the voice was the same.

Familiarly unfamiliar.

A great sob escapes you, hiding your face under shaking hands.

"No."

Your voice shakes like a dry leaf, full of denial.

When thunder flashes in the sky, it illuminates his frightful yet striking face, devoid of emotions.

A face you'd come to loath.

His head was perched on his palms, elbows resting on his knees, as he stared at you with those shrewd golden eyes.

The sound of thunder rumbles, making you jump slightly, and he rises to his feet, the knock of his shoes tapping on the wooden floor.

“NO!-"

A shrill shriek from you has him stopping in his tracks.

"Y/n-"

"No. You are going to stay right there-" you tremble, your body switching into high-alert, pointing a sharp finger to him.

"Let me expla-"

"I d-don't want to hear it." You shake your head furiously, climbing onto the mattress out of pure panic, trying to get away from him, the source of your torment.

"Please."

He requests quietly, and you see his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, running his hands in his overgrown hair.

Your heart stutters when his face comes into the light.

He looks the same except for the emptiness in his countenance and the dark rings around his eyes.

The ego he carried with his stance was missing.

"I can't- I can't go back to that. I've been trying so hard to forget....and it- it won't go away."

You wail, rubbing at your eyes furiously to stop the incoming tears.

His shoulder rolls back, head drooping and his whole facade drops.

For the first time, he was truly and fully vulnerable.

"I'm sorry."

He mumbles, in this forbearing tone, running his hand over his face, shocking you with the heaviness that begins to fill your chest.

But, you use this chance to bolt to the door, taking advantage of his emotional state.

Maybe you could run out of your house and call the neighbours?

Or if not that, use the phone in your kitchen island and call the cops?

A hand shoots out to grab your arm, another going for your other wrist and you're forcefully pulled into an embrace, back pressing into a powerful chest, muscles rippling underneath his clothes when you flail around in his arms in horror.

Your lungs begin to constrict again.

There is difficulty in breathing, and it's not just Hanma's hold. Your chest heaves as a loud cry resounds into the room, a heavy breath following with a cry, words failing at your tongue, babbling pleas into his unyielding form.

You hit, punch, slap and tear at his hands now wrapped around your torso, effectively trapping and restricting your mobility.

"I'm sorry."

He says, leaning into you, but you don't stop.

The sound of your wailing reaches your ears and you blanch at it, but you don't stop.

You have no idea of how long this continues, frail hits to his arms not making any difference to his hold over you.

"I'm sorry."

He says again, his grip loosening a little.

The tone of his voice is just above a whisper, but you hear his voice nonetheless.

Your cries never cease at his apology, and you're amazed at how your tear glands still had the capacity to produce tears, most of them falling on his encircled arms, dampening his tattooed hands as your head falls under the weight of agony.

"Please- Hanma. Please let me go." You beg, sniveling, asking him in the most soft voice you could muster in your exhausted state, giving up fighting against him.

"I can't." He utters, helplessness glazing his words.

"W-why not?" You simper with the same helplessness, why was he doing this to you?

"Because I can't live without you."

You can't believe your ears. Was he lying straight through his teeth again?

Was this all a ploy to get you back so that he could treat you as his married housemaid again?

"Y-you're lying. You're l-lying to me again."

"I'm not." He sounds exasperated, tired even.

"N-no. You just want me back so that I can l-look after your house and w-warm your bed. You're l-lying." You nod profusely, more tears streaming down your face, repudiating his words.

"N-no, baby- Never."

"Please, let me go. I'm n-not worth your time." You utter, hiccuping, trying your best to push away the hands circling your waist.

"That's not true."

The broken whisper of his words make your heart palpitate.

A tendril of hope seems slither into your broken heart, trying to hold it together and heal it.

You don't have it in you to turn or face the man who brought you so much grief.

You're numb.

There's nothing left anymore; no fear, no pain, no feelings, nothing.

You'd let him do anything he wanted to without protest.

"Why did you find me?" You ask, "I'd- I'd finally learnt- learnt to forget."

A laugh bursts from your lips before you could stop it.

And it's not in a good way because he flinches a little, his hands around you loosening.

You push his hands away. Hating how easily he could bend you to his will.

Treating you like a pushover.

And how you'd let him.

You clutch the end of the island beside you and partially lean onto it, having no energy to support your weight on your legs.

"I've searched for you day and night for the past three and a half months. It wasn't fun- not even a bit. It was hell- Y/n. Hell. I've never- and I mean it when I say that I've never, never felt so empty and out of place in my own body my whole life."

Your breath catches at the last sentence, and hear the sound of something being lowered.

"N-never."

He confesses. It was only after a few moments that you realized what the erratic, uncontrolled sounds of breathing meant.

You steel yourself before turning around gingerly. Your eyes widen, stinging with new tears and lips form an 'o' at the sight in front of you.

Hanma Shuji was on his knees, folded into a Dogeza.

"I want to apologize to you, Y/n. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such an awful h-husband. I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me. I'm sorry for being ignorant, for being a fool, for being a bastard, and for c-cheating on you."

His head was touching the ground,

"You deserve so much better. But I'm selfish- I've always been too selfish, Y/n. Please forgive me."

Two palms push his shoulders, making him rise his head to look into your eyes.

"G-get up, Hanma. Get up. Don't apologize like that- get up." Hurried breaths and words are spoken to his ear, as you help him stand on his two feet.

"I've already forgiven you." You whimper, your small hands holding his big, calloused ones.

"Can't bring myself to hold a grudge against you. C-can't. Don't think I ever can."

His hands are brought to your chest, and he could swear that he felt the thumping of your heart rattling his bones.

"Y/n."

"Yeah?"

Your voice is like melting wax, melting his troubles, melting the walls of his heart.

"Please come back home with me. I promise to treat you better."

This time he's the one clutching your joined hands to his chest, to profess his fondness for you.

"H-Hanma. I c-can't." The lone tear rolls down your cheek, crushing his dreams of rebuilding his home with you.

"I can't go back there. Not after what I've been through. You may never understand what I've been through, Hanma, you will never understand."

He wasn't allowed to breathe a word as your hands dropped, curling into fists.

"To this day, those sheets haunt me."

His chest stutters, his breath catching when he gazes at the emptiness in your eyes.

"I lost my baby. My baby, Hanma. The only thing which felt like a blessing in this pathetic life of mine."

The membrane of his eyes were burning again, watching you take laboured breaths pumping out from your mouth.

"The hospital? You never once glanced at me. Walked out of the door as if I wasn't worth a damn other than carrying a child."

"I'm so sorry-"

"You DON'T KNOW the pain of losing a child, Hanma. You- you will never know how it is to lose a child, how traumatizing it is to have an extension of your soul stolen."

"You never will."

You were unrelenting with your words, like hits of poison to his blood, reminding the mistreatment he'd put you through.

"Remember that party? Your associate, K-Kiyomasa? Almost assaulted me- if not for Kisaki."

Rage had taken over you the moment you decided to revive the moments of the past. Gone was the weak little trophy wife.

"He's dead and reported missing for three months. Tortured him for a week and he didn't have the luck to see the light of the next day."

His words are solemn, but you could detect the hints of bare fury in them.

"What do you want?" Is your response to his statement, feeling reasonable after the satisfaction took you by surprise after hearing about your assaulter.

"Come back home. To me. To us." He pleads.

"There was no us the moment you decided to walk out on me, Hanma."

His golden eyes flicker bright, catching under the dim moonlight, knowing you were right, that he had no right to speak after the sins he committed.

He laughs. His 6'2 figure shakes as empty laughter fills your ear.

His shoulders are hunched, shaking as his eyes close, his laugh cracking at the end, like a fissure in his being, eyes glazing over with a torrent of hot tears as he bites his lip and dissolves into another peal of frayed laughter.

A large tatted hand runs over, wiping away the streaks of water and the mussed up dual tone hair from his face. And then he moves, a mild patter against the floor.

Step.

"I'm sorry, Y/n….I'm so fucking sorry."

Step.

"I'm so fucking pathetic. So fucking pathetic."

Step.

"Don't fucking deserve you. Or your tears."

Step.

"But no, I'm so fucking selfish. I'm so fucking selfish that I want you back. P-punish me, hate me, scream at me…..Hit me, if you must, but-"

Step.

"Come back."

Step.

"Please."

His voice is a whisper and it's beyond your understanding when you're backed up against the wall, one of his arms shakily pressing against the coolness of it, as he finally meets your eyes, shame written all over his gaze.

"I can't d-do without you." His voice breaks into a half-whimper, eyes closing as your own fills to the brim with tears yet again.

"I'm a fool. I'm a fucking fool for you."

And when he rests his eyes on you, you know he's telling the truth.

You know he's telling the truth as he tucks his bottom lip into his mouth to stop sounds from escaping his mouth, the look in his eyes nothing short of chagrin and tenderness.

And then slowly, very slowly, his head tips forward to yours, the small, intimate gesture of vulnerability from him conveying a million statements.

"I love you, Y/n."

Your lips part, wondering if you caught the words properly.

"I always have. Your absence from my life was what it took for me to realise that."

"You're joking-"

"Believe me when I say that I never joke about things like this. Hell, I've never loved a person before you came by. And it took my dumbass so long to realise that and I almost fucking lost you."

A shaky hand cups your cheek and you can't help but lean into it.

"I've missed you."

And there you are, bursting into another fit of tears, and as if on instinct, lugged him by the collar and mold your lips to his.

Funny how the bout of ire you'd held onto in the time of your grieving became fleeting the very second your lips moved against his, dissolving in this flickering torrent of passion, this unquenchable thirst scratching the back of your throats. Words left unsaid to him to remind him of the trangessions he'd committed were long forgotten by the time you registered the fact that you were in the same position as before, during your "honeymoon".

It was your choice to go back or stay here.

Yours.

When his swollen mouth connects to the thin skin on the column of your neck, you gasp at the delicacy of tingles running down your spine.

That's it, you think.

I give in.

And you did, tumbling face first into the feel of his kisses which left you feeling drunk, almost feverish as his fingers glided over your bare thighs finding the tight little ball of pleasure, rubbing slow but firm circles, and you're surprised with the desperation which quells in you, needing, craving more, prodding at some part of you relax and forget everything.

It kept on prodding at you, wanting to forget, to forget and relive the peak of climax again and again, the one he gave you with no intention but infatuation, golden hues colored a dark amber.

It came quicker than you thought it would, crying out his name like a plea, choking on your sobs when you pull at the long mop of his hair and kissing with this ferocity he all but accepted; both of you moaning in synchrony, the prick of salt in your kisses adding another dimension of pleasure as he parts from your lips, still joined by the transparent thread of saliva breaking when he shuffles off his pants.

The sound of fabric hitting the floor wakes you from this stupor of desire. Your eyes are still hazy as he meets yours, and hovers over you, covering your form with his warm one.

It finishes as soon as it starts.

Your walls are spasming around him in the span of minutes, loud breaths and moans of his name filling his ears as he praises you all the way. He hands flit over the marked patterns on your skin, appreciating the smooth lines as he hits the deepest parts in you. His hips rut in this comfortable rhythm that has your head spinning, mouth open and more moans of his name as the wetness between both your bodies forms a cool layer on your skins, a contrast to the heat buzzing inside the both of you like a volcano.

The volcano soon reaches its limit and erupts, painting your vision and your inner walls white, sonorous grunts and a few praises are kissed onto your forehead.

Cool air blows, and Hanma hugs you closer into his nakedness.

"Shuji?"

"What is it?" He asks, pressing a kiss to your nape.

"I have to tell you something." You say timidly, biting down your lip, a nervousness beginning to spread over the warmth in your chest.

"Then tell me, doll. I'll listen to you." Are his words and he nuzzles in your neck, causing you to stiffen. You're not sure he noticed but he did.

"I'm moving out from Japan, Shuji. I don't know when I'll be coming back. Not anytime soon."

Those two sentences break him completely.

He can't even find it in himself to get angry. The things he did to you were irreparable.

"Why?"

He sounds out of breath, and he is. It feels like someone was inserting a dagger over and over into his bled out heart and was twisting it.

"It's for myself. Therapy. I need a change of environment to forget and heal completely. That's it. I want to forgive you and forgive myself completely if I want to be normal again."

You're turning towards him, to show him the complete effect of what you've experienced.

He can't speak either. He too knows that he must let you go if he has to be worthy of you again.

But,

It hurts.

It hurts like a bitch.

It hurts more than any fight or brawl he's been part of.

Hell, they weren't even comparable to the heartache he was undergoing.

"When do you go?"

His voice is patient for your answer, internally cringing at his heart breaking when you speak again with the inhale of a breath.

"Tomorrow night."

"Where to?"

"I can't tell you." You whisper, looking away and hugging your arms, and it was for a good reason.

Both of you knew that he'd end up tailing you and it wouldn't be good for anyone.

Hanma sighs, tears rolling down the hardened bone of his cheek and laughs, not wanting to know anymore of your plans. It was justified, afterall. He was receiving his punishment.

He's the one to initiate touch towards you as you turn to the side at his seemingly cold chuckle.

"Let's just sleep, Shuji. I'm tired. So tired of living like this." You mutter, and he catches your drift.

"C'mere. Let's just sleep for now, yeah? Or do something you like?"

Guilt lays heavy like an anchor on his chest as he pressed into your familiar curves, falling asleep to the summation of your shared warmth.

When the morning comes, he has to go.

He doesn't want to.

And so didn't you.

"Should I come to drop you off at the airport?" Hanma inquires, adjusting his shirt as you make the bed.

You freeze.

"Are you sure you want me to heal?" Because if you come, i don't think I'd want to leave, you want to add, but all you hear is his bitter chuckle.

"Will you at least remain in touch with me?"

"No. I don't want anyone from my family or anybody finding out. I want to grow out of this."

You say, smiling at him, as he stands at your doorstep, but it's not happy.

It's far from it.

"I love you, Y/n." His large hands are cupping your face, tugging it upwards to peck your lips.

The ones he would remember every time he shared a bed with another woman. To forget.

To forget the spell you'd lulled him into.

To forget the duress of emotions you put him under each time he saw your figure trailing on the floors of his house, like the lonely figure of a maid on an aimless ship.

The very house where you believed you could find something.

"Me too."

And he leaves, closing the door with a slow click before his eyes betray him again.

3 years later

The door suddenly opens and a small giggle interrupts the serious discussion between the two executives.

The giggle resounds in Hanma's ears.

No.

There's no way.

There's no way she's back.

And even if she was, why would she come here out of all places?

"Ken! Our wedding invitation is- oh-"

The enthusiasm in the woman's voice is cut off immediately and the dark haired man behind the desk stands, looking between the two people.

"Babe- I'm so sorry I forgot to inform you. I had a sudden meeting rescheduled with one of my partners, Shuji Hanma. If you could please wait for me outside….."

The rest of his words are drowned out when your eyes land on each other.

Golden eyes are widened with shock. They never leave the figure of the radiant woman in the room, who was desperately trying to ignore the burning stare trained on her.

"Let's drop the act, Ken. I'm done running away from the past." Your words are soft as a small smile stretches your facial muscles.

"Y/n?-" He turns to Draken with a shocked, accusatory glance, but then he falters.

Oh, so this is how fate was punishing him till date.

Fate was a cruel bitch, alright.

"Yes, Hanma. I hope you're well. It's been a while." Your sweet smile makes the words on the tongue die down into a small nod as he forces himself to smile.

"I hope you're well, Y/n."

"You too."

God, you look so good.

That sundress did little to cover your radiance, and he couldn't blame the look of utter devotion in Draken's eyes when he side-eyed him.

He couldn't help but pity himself.

This was the woman he missed out on.

The one he ruined and made her so miserable that she lost the shine in her eyes, the very same shine which had him infatuated.

I deserve it, he tells himself.

She needed someone like Ryuguji.

Someone reliable, kind and understanding.

Someone who'd cherish every part of you, the feelings in Draken's dark eyes as clear as the day when Hanma saw him gazing at you.

He hated the man but he couldn't help but see how patient he was with you, and how comfortable you seemed to be when Draken brings you to his side.

It was time to drink until I forget, eh?

"Hanma….I have no other way to put it….."

Look at you, understanding the stiffness in his shoulders, lowering your voice when you notice his glare on the hand on your hip.

The hand which wasn't his.

"I'm getting married to Ken. And I've never been happier."

So this is why people die out of heartbreak.

"And about the divorce papers- Thank you…. you know, for understanding."

He could notice your discomfort now. Phrasing those words out loud is difficult for any person, specially for the one who suffered.

Hanma wanted to push himself off a cliff.

None of you say anything for a split second and it's almost sorrowful at how his heart seems to want to jump out of his chest and bleed onto the floor for you. So by deciding to be the nice person you are, you speak.

"I want you to come to our wedding."

"Y/n, what are you saying?-"

"Ken, let me speak, please. I've forgiven him."

This was it.

He merely suppressed a groan at the jab in his conscience.

The last three years without you was like a endless pool of gloom.

He'd come home, and would start to search for you. He'd look around for you, for the food on the table, only to find it empty and cold.

And your food- he almost shot a bullet into the chef's head he'd hired to replicate the taste of your cooking.

He's snapped out of his reverie when you argue with Draken in a small voice, a sigh leaving his lips, giving in because you manage to convince him and push him out of the room and close the door.

"Sorry about that. He can be really…." you tell him, "overprotective."

"I can definitely see that." He says, chuckling, but there's just so much of heartbreak in that laugh, your expression falls.

"Hanma, I'm sorry you had to find out like this-"

"Stop apologizing, doll. It makes me feel worse than I already feel."

You want to object at the choice of nickname but you don't. Not when you see the guilt on his face like wet paint.

You weren't lying when you said you were happy.

Because you were.

Draken had given you that.

He gave you enough time to forget and healed the both of you.

You finally let go of your little angel and moved on.

He saved you.

You'd stumbled on him at the airport, and it turned out that you both were going to the same place, in the same plane.

So when it turned out that you both shared the seats next to each other, you knew you couldn't avoid his inquisitive gaze for long.

You ended up telling every single detail about it.

One of the good things about first class tickets is the fact that you have complete privacy.

In the span of fourteen hours, Draken, your high school flame, knew your life story.

You didn't know what compelled you to tell him, his eyes, his kind countenance, the maturity in his face, the warmth in his hold, you didn't know.

You felt safe and as any human would, you held onto the thing which left you sane.

Fast forward to 3 years, and here you were, becoming a newer and a better version of yourself, and ready to tie yourself to the man who actually wanted you since the start.

You can only give him a small smile and hand a freshly printed invitation card to your ex.

A black card, with Draken and your full names in dainty lettering, classy yet fancy.

"I'll be leaving then, if you don't mind. I still have to distribute these. Please attend if you can, I'd like it if you do."

You're over him, of course. You don't feel a thing when you remember the time you spent with him.

And that, makes you more happy than you should be.

The wind in his lungs is knocked out when you briefly hug your ex-husband and pull back just as quickly.

It lasted for mere seconds.

He still loved you, he realised, when his heart picked up by a few paces.

You're already out of the door, closing it behind you before he could get a chance to speak.

The day of the wedding

He knew it was too late to turn back as he found himself standing outside the venue of your wedding.

It was a garden. A garden transformed into a paradise of white and pastel colours, like a fairyland. He could see the appreciation in the eyes of the guests and their chattering.

Hanma doesn't know what to do anymore.

Drowning himself in copious amounts of whiskey and vodka, hadn't worked, obviously, because that ache in his heart had become more apparent and throbbing.

It was like something was tearing him apart, piece-by-piece, like a jigsaw puzzle blown out of proportion. There was this weird, lung-crushing pain that got inside him, ate him inside out and ripped him apart.

He's standing behind the seats, hidden from most people when you arrive.

Bedecked from head to toe in pure happiness, your eyes are brimming with tears, with love, with devotion so pure that he himself is moved to tears. Your pure white gown wraps around you like a glove, hands shakily clutching the bouquet of white roses in a strong grip.

You've never been so sure of yourself.

As the music plays in the background and he's the only one you can see.

The love of your life.

Draken.

You'd loved him when he was a teenager, and it almost felt like redemption when he was pushed into your life by the hands of some unknown benefactor.

You were determined not to let him go or push him away just because of the mistakes one man had committed.

He didn't deserve it.

Not after the nights you spent awake with each other, curled up into his chest as he simply rubbed your back and took away the fear of your nightmares. Not after the kisses he pressed to your temple, hardened black eyes softening when you prodded at him. Not after the endless amount of tenderness he showered in you, not after the lone tear which slipped down his smooth cheekbones when you told him about your sweet, rainbow baby.

Not after he uttered the words "I love you" in the most soul-crushingly pained voice as you both got soaked in the sudden rain during one of your 'book dates', when you weren't even sure about the tight and mellow feeling in your chest.

You weren't sure if you were ready, but he showed you.

Showed you what you were capable of. Held your hand and guided you away from your darkness, like a lighthouse guiding an almost sinking ship to the solid ground. Towards stability.

He saved you.

Each passing day, since the past three years, Hanma hoped you'd come back, return to him, hoping everything will get right one day only to lead him to open another door of disappointment as the sun greeted him like a rude, burning slap to his face.

He couldn't do anything about it anymore. Everything had become so dull, lifeless and cold and he'd gotten tired and fell asleep to pain buried in his soul, ebbing away his mind, smothering it.

He can only watch as a spectator as you finish your vows, dried tears on both your cheeks, throwing your arms around Draken's neck and press your lips to his sealing the bond with a kiss.

The next passing second is filled with people rushing inside the venue to cover themselves from the rain.

But there you are, giggling, as you and your now husband kiss without a care for anything and the guests can only fawn over your lovestruck behaviour.

He still has questions.

And answers he'll never get.

Hanma Shuji has never felt more agony as water soaks him from head to toe. Heavy gold earrings swishing as he shakes his head at the realization hitting him like a truck.

That's it.

She's happy. She's the happiest I've ever seen her and she deserves it.

"I'll be going now, Y/n. Take care of yourself for me."

The sound of rain and the beats of his heart intensify.

You're still kissing him.

"Letting go means coming to a realisation that some people are a part of your history but not a part of your destiny."

These were the words Draken had told you one night, when he was talking about his ex, Emma.

And you stood by it. And stuck to it.

Because you believed you deserved more.

"Have a great life, doll. You deserve it all."

He was already out in the rained-soaked streets, reliving the memories of you for the last time, before he closed the sole glacé chapter of his life.

You'd waited to see if your ex had arrived, but after a while, you decided that whether he'd come or not, this was your special day. This was your day with your man. You were not going to let any reminders of your past hinder your current happiness and decided to fully indulge in the presence of your friends and family.

The most difficult aspect of moving on is the fact that the other person already did. They no longer care or crave for you the same way they did.

Or at times, you were too late, like Hanma over here.

Too late because by the time you finally came to your senses, the person whom you love no longer needs you.

Love and loss are two faces of the same coin.

Where there is love, there is also loss. And vice versa.

If letting go means the happiness of your loved one, then so be it. They deserve it afterall.

It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Because sometimes, leaving is for the better.

© 2022 all rights to multistan-247 - don't copy or modify

[enchantinglyjade]

Milk & Honey - Ch. 17

Austin!Elvis x Black!OC

Masterlist

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Summary: Honey tries to learn how to carry on without her love

Warning: BIG SAD, Depression, character death, loss of parents, car accident

Song: Maybe - The Chantels

Note: Y’all gone hate me for this one

Playlist

-

Maybe, if I pray every night

You'll come back to me

It had been a lonely number of weeks, my family and job continuing on like nothing had changed. I felt like a broken record, stuck doing the same routine every single day. My goal to save money dwindled. Save money for what? Move out to be even more alone? So I could cry ANYWHERE in my house in peace while I longed for him? I stopped singing, all passion I once had had been torn from me. I barely talked, I never smiled. I was a shell of myself.

I sit on the couch, dull, empty, staring at the TV with Pearl who has been obnoxiously quiet the past few weeks.

I had been avoiding exposing myself to any media, the news, the radio, music, the newspaper, everything. I could barely get groceries without seeing his face somewhere. Everything was a constant reminder. I’ve been trying to challenge myself recently, looking at a picture of him and telling myself to feel nothing. I had to strengthen myself back up. I don’t know how many more breakdowns in aisle 6 I could take anymore, or that the grocery store would allow. On the bright side, Elvis and I were long forgotten news and I could actually make it to the grocery store again without someone following me for a picture of me and my juvenile delinquent activities. I was back to being a nobody.

So here I am, back at home watching the news.

So far it was fine, no mention of him, just regular weather and advertisement. But right as I started getting comfortable, BOOM, there he was. Cut hair, green Army suit, and the last thing I ever prepared myself to see, a woman hanging on him. She was younger, white, rich. She had long, luscious dark hair, a smooth, innocent face, with glistening eyes. Nothing but eye candy under his arm.

I felt like I was going to throw up. Not from jealousy. No, that was too simple of an emotion. In my heart surges grief, longing, betrayal. I felt like a bug that just got stomped on repeatedly. Days of trying to build up immunity absolutely demolished from one short clip of him on TV.

My heart quickens in panic and my eyes fill with tears. I feel like I can’t move. God, I feel sick. Just then I race to the bathroom.

Okay, maybe I’m actually gonna be sick.

I clean my mouth, hanging over the sink to clear my head and compose myself before I go back out into the living room.

“Honey…are you alright?” My mother asks standing in the doorway.

I take a quick glance at her before looking back down into the sink saying nothing. I haven’t spoken to her in days.

She takes a deep breath. “Baby, I’m sorry. I just- I didn’t expect your daddy to come into the picture either and it’s been a lot for me too. Raising you on my own all these years, then having him come back in with another kid. I knew you were stressed about it too, so when you was goin to see Elvis I knew you just needed support. I tried to just let you be happy, but it’s hard havin to let my baby go and be an adult now. Especially when it means watching you get involved with the law.” She sniffles, wiping a fallen tear from her face. “I was so scared and tryin so hard to figure out what to do about you, your daddy, and Pearl that I exhausted myself, but I still shouldn’t have been ignorin y’all, and I’m so sorry bout the hurt I put you through.”

I lift my head up from the sink, tears brimming my eyes. “Mama, I missed you.” I say, before meeting her halfway for a hug.

She rubs my back, laying kisses down in my hair. “I’m sorry about Elvis. I know how much you love him and I see everyday how much it hurts you. I’m here for you, baby.”

Now I’m just a crying mess. I sob into her shoulder. “Thank you.” Only once I get a hold of myself do I break away from her. She gives me a weak smile, while I close my eyes, rubbing away tears. When I open them again I see Pearl standing behind Ma. She looks at me, guilty, playing with her hands. Ma notices a change in my face and turns around.

“I, um.” Pearl starts, swallowing. “I’m also…sorry…about Elvis.” She clears her throat. 

I scoff, walking past Ma to her. “He was sent to the other side of the world because of what you did. Don’t talk to me.” I warn.

And Maybe, if I cry every day

You'll come back to stay

Oh, maybe

Another restless night.

I creep out of my bedroom, careful not to wake Pearl. I tiptoe tiredly down the stairs to switch the TV on, turning the dial down to its lowest volume, then sitting on the couch.

“Can’t sleep?” A voice calls from the kitchen. Dad steps around the corner, coke in hand and a sentimental look on his face.

I shake my head, turning back to the TV. He quietly walks across the wooden floor, sitting down next to me with a groan. The light from the TV flashes on our faces in the otherwise dark room. He takes a sip from the cola, sitting in silence while I hug one of the couch pillows.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask, chin still resting on the pillow. No point in staying angry with him. He sits up. “What was life like in Alabama?”

“What? You want me to tell you my life’s story or somethin?” He asks with a smile.

I hug the pillow insecurely. “Yeah…Ma never told me anything.”

His smile turns soft. “You wanna know everything?”

I nod, smiling like a little kid while I turn sideways on the couch to face him.

He chuckles, running his hand through his blonde hair, same color as mine. “Well, grew up on Maw and Pa’s plantation. Was always a real rebellious kid. You must get that from me.”

My smile turns into a toothy grin.

“When I was a teen, my folks hired a maid, your Mama. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and woowee did she have a voice. I’d sneak out with some of the sharecroppers, listen to ‘er sing. I was in love. I used to purposely break things just to get her alone in a room, sneak her little kisses. One day, we got caught. Pa put me in jail, thought som’ was wrong with me. I was in there for 2 years, Pa passed halfway through my sentence. When I got out, Maw told me your Mama ran away. I could never stop thinkin bout Loretta, but I tried to do what I could to make Maw happy, she was all alone then. Even tried marrying another woman. Betty. She was a lovely woman. Gave Maw the white grandbaby she always wanted, thought I was ‘cured’ or som’. When Pearl was ‘bout 7 years old, Betty passed. It was just me, Pearl, and Maw up until a few months ago. Maw passed over the summer, Pearl was gonna be turning into an adult soon, so I finally took it upon myself to sell the plantation and start lookin for your Mama again. Then I found out I have you.”

I sit, processing all the information. I always wondered where Pearl’s mother was. I figured divorce or something, I had no idea she passed away.

He sighs. “I’m sorry bout the way I been actin, ‘specially with…Elvis. It’s just- I thought I lost ya.” He takes a deep breath. “I lost nearly everyone I love and the thought of finally findin you just to have you taken from me scared the shit out of me.” He shakes his head, hiding his tears with a smile. “Pardon my language, but it really did. Them cops they- They won’t hesitate to hurtcha, or worse…” A desensitized face stares back at me, knowing and full of stories and experience.

I smile weakly. “I never meant to scare the both of you so much, I just- I loved him so much, Dad. I known him my whole life. He was my best friend and now he’s gone. I miss him so bad.” I cover my face, tears threatening to spill.

He leans over, bringing me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Honey. I never should have made you feel so bad about it. I just didn’t want you to go through what your Mama and I did or worse with all his fans and reporters. I just want you safe. The world can be real cruel when it sees things it don’t like.”

I pull away with a deep breath, before shooting him an understanding smile. Of course it wasn’t that easy to forgive everything he said just like that, but I’m too low on energy and love to care enough to keep this grudge up any longer.

“Can I ask you somethin now?” He raises an eyebrow at me, waiting for my answer with a smirk.

I giggle. “What?”

“I don’t know what went on between you two, but can you and Pearl TRY to get along? It breaks my heart seein you go at it all the time. I know it sounds hard to believe but she does really look up to you, but she thinks that coming here means I’m gonna forget all about our family and her mama and that none of it meant anything. She feels…abandoned. I tried talkin to her some, but from the sounds of it, you two have some talkin that needs to be done too. I just want my two little girls to be sisters.”

Ugh. That’s the last thing I wanna hear right now. But, I admit, knowing a little bit more about her does help me understand her better, so for his sake-

I sigh. “I’ll try.”

Maybe, if I hold your hand

You will understand

And maybe, if I kissed your lips

I'll be at your command

A few days later I find that when Ma said she was stressed about Dad coming back in, she really meant she was scared about the love coming back.

From my bedroom window, I watch. In the Green Chevy parked out front, sits my parents. I was wondering what the hell they could be talking about that they didn’t want Pearl and I to accidentally hear. They sit in there for a good while, just talking, and right as I get bored and start pulling away, they kiss. 

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I knew they had something going on. I’ve always known Ma missed him, which is why it was so hard for her to talk about it, but I didn’t think they’d actually go for it again, especially with Pearl in the way.

Ma pulls away, eyes closed for a moment, still dazed from the kiss. Had I not known better, I’d think it was her first kiss. Her lids flutter open, love sparkling in her eyes and a big grin plastered on her face. They hug, holding each other tightly, finally getting the peace to love like they always wanted.

My heart stands exactly 3 more seconds of this scene before it causes me to burst out into absolute tears.

At least one of us got our happy ending.

I've cried and prayed to the Lord

To send you back my love

But instead you came to me

Only in my dreams

“Ooo, where you goin?” I ask Ma with a smile, looking at her getup. First time I had ever seen her so dressed up.

Dad comes rushing downstairs, taking her arm into his. “We’re goin dancing.”

I smile, fighting through the sting in my eyes. Come on, Honey. You can’t let everything remind you of him. “I hope you have fun.” But I can never hide anything from Ma.

She walks over to me, holding my face in her palms to examine me. “You okay, baby?”

I nod. “Yeah, just stressed still. I’m fine.”

“You sure? You look pale?” She looks over my cheeks, rubbing them with her thumb. “Is this about Elvis?”

I sigh. When isn’t it? “Yeah.” I answer in a whisper.

Her smile turns to a frown, bringing me into a hug. “Oh, baby. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but maybe it’ll be for the best. Maybe someone even better than you could’ve imagined will find you.” She pulls away, holding my face once more. “You’re a strong woman, Honey. You’ll get through this.”

“Your mama’s right. You’re a real strong girl, Honey, but maybe you should try gettin out sometime too. Get your mind off things for a second.”

I smile into Ma’s palm, looking between the both of them, before pulling away. “Yeah, maybe I’ll have to try that sometime.” I chuckle lightly.

He smiles, taking Ma’s arm once again. “Alright, we’ll be back later. Two of you be safe now.” Dad says waving to Pearl and I as they step out the door.

I spent most of the night in my room deciding to try singing again. My voice had gotten rusty from barely being in use for nearly 5 months now. It’s everything but motivating, but I know past me wouldn’t want me to give up, no matter how hard it may be to keep pushing on right now. 

Eventually I tire of singing tand lay down on my bed. I stare at the wall, tracing the patterns with a sigh. Things will get easier. They have to.

The next morning I wake up with that usual stomach ache. Damn stress has been getting to me so bad that I make myself sick most days.

I go downstairs with the intention of grabbing a coke, hoping it will settle my stomach. Pearl’ sat on the couch with a bowl of cereal and the TV playing its usual news in front of her. I scan the living room and kitchen finding no sign of Mom and Dad. “Are they home?” I ask Pearl from the kitchen, peeking around the corner.

“No.” She says, not looking up from her bowl.

Okay..? “Where’d they go?”

She shrugs, “Never came back.”

And she’s not worried by this? Weird they never said anything… “Did they call?”

She shrugs again with an annoyed sneer.

I roll my eyes, going back over to the fridge. Maybe they called when we were asleep, decided to stay out late and got a Motel or something. I try shrugging it off. Just glad they're both happy again. I bring a coke over to the counter, grabbing a bottle opener, the TV filling the silence between us.

‘An unfortunate accident just on the outskirts of Memphis-.’

“So, I saw you watching American Bandstand the other day, do you like to dance?” I ask, attempting to make small talk with her like Dad’s wishes.

She doesn’t answer.

I roll my eyes again, popping the lid of the drink and watching it fly across the counter. It ain’t any easier for me to pretend to like her, but the least she can do is play along for Dad’s sake. “Pearl?”

She doesn’t answer again.

I put down the bottle opener in frustration, marching into the living room. Between my stomach ache, and now headache from her, I had about enough. “Look, Pearl, I know that-”

I pause. She stares at the TV in horror. Her shaking hand loses grip of her bowl, letting the glass slip from her fingers and shatter across the wooden floor. My heart drops at the scene alone, my whole soul dies when I glance over to the TV.

The man’s voice completely tunes out of my head. The only thing I see is the sight of a familiar green Chevy smashed into little pieces.

Maybe if I pray every night

You'll come back to me

And maybe if I cry every day

You'll come back to stay

If I thought life was tough before, I had lost every sense of myself now. I felt like I finally lost that last bit of childhood happiness I tried clinging onto while the world crumbled around me. This is what being an adult is like; Loss, sacrifice, disappointment, working so hard for such little results.

I just started getting things right with Ma and Dad. I never even got to tell Dad I loved him. And now I lost them. It’s just me now. It’s a new beginning I have no choice but to accept.

I locked myself in Ma’s room, letting Pearl have mine. I went through all of her things, hugging her clothes, putting on her old jewelry, until finding myself hunched over, crying into a box tucked in the back of her closet. In the box I find some of my old clothes and baby dolls. I take out a cloth article, a pull toy falls out from underneath it, rolling across the floor. I unwrap the fabric, discovering it’s an old baby dress Ma sewed for me. I hold it up, eyeing its every detail before a rot takes over my gut.

My hands shake and I breathe in a panic as I realize. The stomach aches. The night he left. No, no, no. That can’t be right. I can’t- This can’t happen to me right now.

The dress falls from my hands, as I prop myself up on a wall. I hold my belly as I try to keep my stomach in from the pure fear I felt.

I’ve been so stressed I didn’t even notice.

I hadn’t bled in three months.

Oh, maybe

Maybe (Maybe, maybe, maybe)

.

.

.

- Taglist -

@tearupmyhead @chouetteschaussettes @il-giardino @theliterarybeldam @re3kin @anangelwhodidntfall @felicityroth @crash-and-cure @mama-pankow @tzillas @wonderlandlovelove @mirandastuckinthe80s @queenslandlover-93 @coconutessential @pumkiinpasties @buckybarnesbitch00000000 @biafbunny @darkestbeforethedawn16 @dollfaceyourfear @adoreyouusugar @hails-schae @spacegh0ul @im-lame-irl @sargspiderbarnes @whisperily @whatawildone @lukasdreamland @carioquisse

[bluewinnerangel]

Pierrot but make it queer rockstar space clowns

I'm pretty positive, a pretty solid 82% positive, Harry's choice for Harryween night 2 to go with a Pierrot costume was at least in part fueled by David Bowie's portrayal of the character. I think Harry has shown his Bowie influence countless of times, more recently with his whole LOT uniform being a Bowie fit for one, and both Modern Love and Suffragette City being part of his current preshow playlist. I mean, I don't think the choice of this outfit was just that, but also that. I think he's a clown too. Just a clown. Being a joke. We're all a joke. I also think he's referencing just Pierrot alone without whatever other artists have been doing, wherever else it's been references (and it has been all over). But why not go here too, I mean why wouldn't he be influenced/nodding all of this, this this is Harry Styles we're talking about, so I wanna go to Jobriath as well. And I'm not saying Harry's influence extends from there too although he did was the first openly gay rockstar and my god with his need to reference everything gay in existence I wouldn't be surprised but I tumbled a lil too deep down the rabbit moon here to be going hey look I think there's a real intentional reference to this person specifically but regardless it's beautiful down/up here, so come join me. The Battle of the 70s Space Pierrots:

David Bowie - Threepenny Pierrot (1967)

Threepenny pierrot - we love you Threepenny pierrot - loves us too Pockets of gladness, gay time eyes Comical hero, threepenny pierrot

Happy little feet that dance all day Lonely little heart with lots to say Stepping footprints on your mind Offering thoughts of columbine

Bang the drum and blow the bugle call Pierrot takes the stage to play for all For here's a life his fortune rules Forsaken by his columbine

To tap his feet to greet dear harlequin The hearts of folks so keenly hard to win A patchwork frame of tears and wine The nectar for cruel columbine

The part of three and leaves the stage forlorn Puppets cold, their faces sad and drawn Relive each trial of rise and fall The love which lacks between us all

Threepenny pierrot - we love you Threepenny pierrot - loves us too Pockets of gladness, gay time eyes Comical hero . . . . . . threepenny pierrot

Also this post <3<3<3

Jobriath (1973)

Jobriath - Space Clown (1973)

You're so entertaining and amusing And God knows everybody loves a clown Boredom wails you can't refuse him O Pierrot where do you go when you come down A star shot across the sky and smiled Then vanished in a tear

Ah you're a space clown When you laugh you bring the house down When you smile you bring the walls down You're a space clown 'Cause when you cry When you cry you bring the sky down

This really just sounds like Life On Mars

Jobriath - I'm A Man (1973)

I maman So I'm an elegant man I'm a man Clara bowes and open toes Are what I am

Yes I maman Yea I'm a fragile man I'm a man Light of step and soft of touch A gentle man

You know I could love you But if I should love you Then I would love you The way a man loves a woman And live my life like been livin' it My body claims my mind and soul so let me be What I am An elegant man

Yes I maman So I'm a graceful man I'm a man Pierrots and spaceous clothes Are what I am

Yes I maman and I could love you

---------------------------- 'I’m Pierrot. I’m Everyman. What I’m doing is theatre, and only theatre. [...] What you see on stage isn’t sinister. It’s pure clown. I’m using myself as a canvas and trying to paint the truth of our time on it. The white face, the baggy pants - they’re Pierrot, the eternal clown putting over the great sadness of 1976.’ - Bowie interviewed in 1976. ----------------------------

Bowie - Pierrot (1980)

Vids/links below cut:

Another Jobriath read:

Summary of this article: basically he probably would've been a huge star but he was openly gay and the world wasn't ready for that.

There's probably loads more to this and I'm just scratching the surface here, but it's late and Bowie is a character (pun intended) that I'm nowhere near understanding let alone Jobriath. Hell I'm not even there on Harry and that clown owns way too much of my heart. Anyway I think at the very very least this gives a nice interpretation of pierrot and its symbolism in the eyes of two musicians, two people that in some or more regards have been living a life Harry can perhaps identify with.

[periru3]

An Unauthorized Tafadhali Vid Starter Pack

Today I was bored, and when I am bored I make lists. The list my brain has decided to make today is a list of my favorite of my sister’s (@tafadhali) fanvids. Except “favorite” was too difficult and too vague, so I started thinking of it in terms of what vids I would recommend to someone who had never seen her vids before. That still wasn’t enough structure for me, so I decided to give myself some categories to make sure I had a wider array of vids represented, and what I ended up with was sort of... vid superlatives? Anyway, I’m quite happy with my list, so I’ve decided to share it with you all. Without further ado, here is me shouting through a megaphone about how cool my sister is for no particular reason:

YouTube Playlist

1) Most On-Brand: I am a (Library) Scientist - Multi-Fandom (Horror)

If you want to get a very quick impression on what sort of vidder Taf is, and some insight into her interests, this is pretty representative.  Multi-fandom? Check! Horror? Check! Literally about her IRL profession? Check! An ideal get-to-know-you vid for Tafadhali. 

2) Special Interest Vid: We Kiss in the Shadows - Multi-Fandom (LGBT)

Love me a vid that’s basically like “hey, come look at this rarely-vidded thing I know lots about!” (admittedly, a not dissimilar category to the one above). Anyway, Taf’s love and knowledge of classic films and of queer film history come through beautifully in this (as well as the other vid in her Screened Out series, Masculine Women! Feminine Men!), and it makes me cry every time. 

Honorable Mention: Paperback Writer - Multi-Fandom (Stephen King)

3) Critical Vid: Fortunate Son - Star Wars

This vid is amazing because it both captures all that I love about Finn as a character while also highlighting and calling out the ways in which the character what let down and done dirty by the writing of Star Wars. Also truly amazing song choice and lyrical matches. 

Honorable Mention: Hail Satan - Stranger Things

4) Character Study: Patient Zero - Harry Potter

One of Taf’s earliest vids, this character study is one I come back to again and again for it’s beautiful and insightful portrayal of Harry’s arc throughout the series, with a focus on his relationship with fame, destiny, and some really complex parental figures.

Honorable Mention: California - Mad Men

5) Shippy Vid: Umbrella - Singin’ in the Rain

Yes, it’s a Cosmo character study, but it’s also the cutest darn OT3 vid in all the land, and it’s Taf’s most popular vid for good reason! It’s a total delight! It’s full of silliness and very well-matched-to-the-music dancing! And it uses a song cover inspired by this very movie, so that’s fun!

Honorable Mention: C’est la Vie - Doctor Who

6) Emotionally Devastating Vid: Achilles Come Down - Les Miserables

If you’re looking to cry, this vid is the one for you! Tafadhali seamlessly blends multiple adaptations of the same story into one heart-wrenchingly gorgeous vid (rendered all the more stark and affecting in it’s Black and Red iteration). This story and these characters are dear to the vidder’s heart, and it shows. 

7) Intense Vid: Man on a Wire - Hannibal

This psychological horror/thriller vid is definitely one to get the adrenaline pumping! The fast-paced song paired with the super sharp editing of this vid really do justice to the visually stunning source, and capture the fractured mental state of Will Graham perfectly.

Honorable Mention: Brutal - Yellowjackets

8) Comfort Vid: Waters of March - Multi-Fandom (Miyazaki) 

This is easily one of my most re-watched of Tafadhali’s vids. While in moments this vid is tinged with sadness or sort of bittersweet nostalgic feelings, by the end of it I always feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and like my heart’s grown three sizes, and a bunch of other sappy metaphors. 

Honorable Mention: Synchronicity - Sense8

9) Vid that Makes Me LOL: Whatta Man - George of the Jungle

Honestly, whatta vid. It manages to be genuinely sweet while also making me giggle like a mad man. The song choice is inspired. It truly captures all that is delightful about this ridiculous movie. Honestly just a good, silly time from start to finish!

Honorable Mention: Short Skirt Long Jacket - What’s Up Doc?

10) Dance Party Vid: Super Bass - Sense8

Also a valid category for this one: The Sexy Vid. Basically it’s just a fun, energetic, sexy, joyous romp of a vid and it makes me want to crank the volume and dance along to Nicki Minaj and the lovely cast of Sense8! 

11) I Don’t Even Go Here: Beautiful Dirty Rich - Columbo 

So when Taf made this, I pretty much knew nothing about Columbo (I’ve since seen a couple eps), but what I did know is I loved the hell out of this vid, and sometimes that’s just how it goes! Must one know who these people are? Is it not enough that a vid entrance you with its on-point editing and its vibes? 

12) Non-English Vid: La Noyée - Portrait of a Lady on Fire

This gorgeous vid, like the movie it’s for, is in French. I think some of the beauty of this one is that while the lyrical matching is perfectly done, if you want to first experience the vid without the distraction of subtitles, I think the visuals paired with the obvious melancholy of the music paints just as clear a picture whether you understand the lyrics or not. 

Honorable Mention: Desaparecida - Carmen Sandiego

13) A Gift for Her Favorite Sister: Sound the Bells - It (Miniseries) 

Look, I never claimed to be coming at this list from an unbiased perspective. And Tafadhali makes me vids all the time, whether in the form of actual gifted works, or just vids she knows I am the main target audience for, so this seemed like a fair category to include. This one in particular is for a fandom that is super meaningful to both of us, and it makes me tear up every time! 

Honorable Mention: Derry Jukebox/Castlerock Around the Clock - Multi-Fandom (Stephen King)

14) A Co-Vid with Her Favorite Sister: The Chosen One’s Lament - Multi-Fandom

Honestly, I couldn’t make this list without this category any more than I could make a list of my own vids without it. We love making vids together, and we’ve made quite a few! This vid is the first (and arguably best) in many categories that have since defined our co-vidding body of work - multi-fandom, meta, humorous, set to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend music, just to name a few. Also the need for the 11-way split screen in this is what got us both to finally transition to using Premiere instead of iMovie, so I’d say we both owe a lot of our subsequent vid quality to this one. 

Honorable Mention: Rose Bride My World - Revolutionary Girl Utena

15) Best In Show: Pynk - Multi-Fandom (LGBT)

I literally cannot praise this vid highly enough. It’s beautifully edited, beautifully curated (what a selection of movies!), beautifully structured. The sheer scale of this project (not to mention the fact that it was editing in iMovie, where organizing clips is basically impossible) is enough for it to warrant a spot on this list, but what really takes it from merely an impressive vid to a truly great one is the love of the subject material that shines through in every clip choice and edit. It’s an earnest celebration of girlhood, adolescence, femininity, and queerness, and watching it even for the hundredth time still takes my breath away. Watching this vid, I just feel so much - I feel awkwardness and the excitement and the angst of growing up, I feel the delight and the connectedness of those formative friendships, I feel the giddiness and the heartache of first loves, I feel the confusion and the joy and the defiance of emergent queerness. I just love everything about this vid and I can’t think of a better example of Tafadhali’s skills and strengths as a vidder than this. 

Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED Talk.